2024-02-25: Sympathy for the Accursed
- Log: 2024-02-25: Sympathy for the Accursed
- Cast: Redi Hayworth, Riley Arwell, Xander Lovell
- Where: Hilton
- Date: February 25, 2024
- Summary: Riley and Xander, given their experiences as the Fangs of Valmar, have advice for Redi in the wake of her recent difficulties with discovering who she is.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
It has been a day and a half since the unfortunate events in Hilton. It is now later in the day -- the first day after, Redi spent most of it sleeping and very little of it talking -- but she is up. That is progress, in a form.
She doesn't look great, though. Tired eyes, wearing just a button-up white shirt and plain brown trousers. Her hat, her coat, and the mailbag are in her room. She has talked to some of the others and managed to eat breakfast and lunch.
Now...
Now, she is going to talk to the Fangs. One of the rooms they got is a suite, with a common area. She had been in her room, taking an afternoon nap. Yulie and Hicalu are out -- something about dinner -- but she is up.
And she wants to stay up, rather than fall to temptation and sleep the day away. The door to her room opens, and she pokes her head out. She spots Riley and Xander, then lifts a hand.
"...Hi," she says.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley has been trying not to hover overmuch; it's been clear Redi needs some time to just... absorb the new reality. But still, the Fangs have kept close, spending some of the time exploring the surroundings with an ear out for any signs that rumors are getting around and the town might be turning hostile toward Redi. So far, things seem quiet, which is a small comfort. A very small comfort, given how glum Redi looks when she emerges from her room.
Riley gives an answering wave from where he's seated in the common room, smiling tentatively. "Hi... you hungry? I think the others are grabbing some food."
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
While Xander needed his own way to process the events of Redi's homecoming, it obviously was going to be a mere shadow of Redi's own struggle. His opinion was that she needed time, and that if she should wish to cease to exist for a few days, that was well within her right. She didn't need to be asked questions, prodded, or pried at.
So that Redi has come to them -- if exhausted and having abandoned little pieces of herself she held as core to her identity -- leaves Xander staring at her in blank shock.
Whatever liquid synthesis he's working on with his portable atelier nearly boils over in the moment he's balking, but as soon as he hears the volatile bubbles, he turns the flame down without looking. He glances to Riley, but doesn't risk trying to communicate anything with his face just yet.
"...Is this a hi hi, or do you need us to pretend we didn't see you?"
Maybe Xander shouldn't be so prepared to enable the temptations to hide from the world.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"I'm okay for now," Redi says. "I--uh--I ate earlier. Yulie made sure I had a late breakfast. And I had lunch."
She had a cupcake for lunch, courtesy of Hicalu. But, given everything, she thinks she is allowed to call a cupcake lunch.
"It's a hi hi," she says, with a look at Xander. She hesitates, before she walks over to one of the chairs -- and then looks at the atelier, the bubbling synthesis on it -- and back at them.
"I'm... trying," she settles on. "I don't think I can sleep much more."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley's wave slumps a little with Xander's suggestion that maybe she was hoping they would just ignore her. That hadn't occured to him. But... it seems she is actually trying to engage. Still, he feels uncertain and off balance. Riley may be the one who likes being around people, but as far as he's concerned, Xander is the expert on big feelings.
"Well, I think it's getting to be dinnertime now, but... no rush." There's a bit of hesitation as she explains that she's come out because she didn't think that more sleep will help her at this point.
"Did you want to talk about anything, or... ... have distractions?"
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
She's eating. That's a lot better than it could be. But with both Yulie and Hicalu, it's no surprise they managed to press the issue.
A 'hi' hi. Xander does not contest that.
He follows Redi's gaze to the atelier and back. "...I'm restocking medicine," he says, as if she might be thinking he were crafting poisons. Or a bomb. ...Look, he knows the dangerous looks he was giving people before they all retired to the hotel.
But as Redi settles down to sit, he rummages through his bag for different reagents and supplies.
Riley's asking the important questions, so Xander lets that speak for both of him. He is, tellingly, not protesting it. There's no exasperated look to be seen.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"Ah... we probably used a bit, didn't we?" Redi asks, looking up at Xander. He gave them medicine after the fight with the Veruni. It feels like it was ages ago, somehow; it was really only days.
She looks at Riley, then she nods. "I'll... I'll eat dinner," she promises. "With the group."
She promised Hicalu that she would, and it's good enough reason to make herself do that.
"Um..." Riley's question is a big one. Redi hesitates for a second, before she looks down. "...I--uh. I wanted to say thanks. For... for staying. And sticking up for me. And..."
She looks down. "...I don't know where I'm going wih that."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"Don't worry about it, we'd be running out pretty quickly either way. Sometimes I eat Xander's medicine just because it's tasty..." Riley, if you know that's a problem, why do you keep doing it??
Redi agrees to eat dinner with everyone, which seems like a good sign, and then... thanks them.
"Of course," he says. "I'm glad we ended up coming along. I admit I did think... something bad might happen when we got here." Not that they were able to stop it from happening. But somebody needed to be there arguing on her behalf, and the more voices doing it the better. He wonders if or when she'll be able to believe any of it herself.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
"Mm," Xander murmurs in the affirmative. He has no desire to rub the fact after previous events, and Riley provides a convenient out. "It's true. He does."
But he does pause to look back up as Redi promises to eat. "...There's no need to push it. Eat, but don't force yourself to make a production with everyone."
There is probably, between Riley and Xander, some balance of withdrawing to recharge and keeping from becoming a complete recluse.
Redi thanks them. Riley accepts it. Xander turns off his burner to let his concoction cool. They were not, in fact, able to stop the bad thing from happening. He opens his mouth, then slams it shut, thinking better of a number of phrases and statements that are on the tip of his tongue.
None of them will help Redi right now, no matter how right he is. Instead, a truth that means something moving forward:
"...You found good companions in Yulie and Hicalu."
So he does know their names.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"Is--is that safe?" Redi says, making a bit of a face about the idea of eating medicine because of the taste. The question, though, is asked of Xander.
She hesitates at his advice, though, and then she looks down for a moment. "I know," she says. "I'll try not to. Just... it beats... sitting alone with my own thoughts, asking myself the same questions over and over, and not finding an answer."
She swallows, then she nods. "...yeah, I did," she says, about Yulie and Hicalu. "They're... they're nice." Then, she looks at Riley.
She hesitates for a second. "I'm glad you were ready for it," she says. "I... wasn't. I--I mean, I think... I don't think they're lying. About... how I..." She swallows. Don't push it, Xander said; Yulie said similar.
"I don't think I'm--I wasn't the original Redi," she finishes, instead. "But I didn't... think it was going to go that way at all."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"...maybe not when it started," Riley admits. Now that he's made a habit of it, Xander's kind of had to make sure it's safe to randomly eat his medicine like candy. Sorry, Xander.
Redi says she doesn't think she's the original, and that she may really have done the things she was accused of. Riley takes a slow breath in and out, bracing against certain parallels among his own memories.
His eyes glance across Xander before going to the floor. "I don't think you need to feel responsible for things you don't even remember doing. Even if you aren't the original, it didn't sound like you were the 'you' you are now when all of that happened." He pauses. "And you're the only Redi I know, which is Redi enough for me." An apologetic shrug. He knows that isn't enough to fix the blow of turning out to not be yourself.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Riley isn't sorry at all!
"I took the necessary steps to make sure it was safe years ago." Xander lifts one of the syringe vials form his belt. "...It makes them less potent. That's why I have these... less appetizing alternatives."
Pause.
"... Which Riley has drank before."
He falls quiet again as he listens to Redi put voice to some of her struggles. If that's how it is... Xander has to concede it. No answers. In this situation, he wonders if there ever can be real answers.
The answers Redi's family have taken are infuriating. What if Redi isn't Redi? Parents can have more than one child. She remembers them raising her. Why isn't it enough for them?
Riley mentions that Redi shouldn't feel responsible for what she doesn't remember. At that, Xander does look away. He doesn't fold his arms so much as he hugs himself, as if the room had gotten a little colder.
Xander can agree on one thing: to Yulie, Hicalu, and Riley (and even Xander), there is only this Redi.
"It shouldn't have gone that way," he says, simple and decisive. Then he looks to meet Redi's eye. "You have your memories. You get to decide what they mean to you. It doesn't have to be now. Or soon. But no one else gets a say."
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"R-Riley," Redi groans. She sighs, putting one hand over her face. "Well... it sounds like Xander's making sure you don't poison yourself."
She looks back down, when Riley talks about the 'original' her. A phantom, from the sounds of it. Something she can't remember. She swallows, but she nods. "...y-yeah," she says. "Thanks."
Yulie and Hicalu said that, too.
"I don't... remember a lot of that," Redi admits. "Just... a gap from when I pushed Clara and got hit, and then... waking up, in Aquvy. When..." She stops herself from saying more. It doesn't sound very nice to herself.
She looks back at Xander, then. Her eyes catch his, then she swallows, and nods. "...yeah," she agrees. "I just... don't know what they mean. Or what comes next. I-I mean... I'll go with Yulie. And Hicalu. But..."
In a grander sense.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"...Do you see how beautiful the color is?" Riley gestures in frustration to the boldly purple, perhaps rather juicy looking liquid in the syringe vials. "How was I supposed to not taste them even once?" This is, alas, just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Xander's trials.
Riley nods as Redi explains the gaps in her memories. "I'm not quite sure why, but it seems like... you were almost sort of being born during that time. Or reborn. Or something like that." It seems like whatever being she was before took on its victim's identity wholeheartedly. Why? Did it need a host to live, sort of like other animals might need to eat other animals to survive? Does that mean she might have to do that again someday, and change identities a second time? But it would be cruel and unhelpful to say any of that speculation out loud...
The conversation turns to making meaning out of her memories. "It's probably a little soon to figure out the whole rest of your life," he offers. "Do you like being Redi? Do you still like the mail?" At least the mail doesn't care if you're a monster.
He notices that his comment from earlier sent Xander into a self protective posture, and reaches out for him, lightly grasping his arm.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
When Redi groans, Xander gives Riley a Look that means to say, see, someone agrees with me. And yet --
"Oh, no, I've never been able to stop him from poisoning himself," Xander says dryly. He plucks a different bag of candies out of his pack. They're green. "That's what these are for."
Such is Xander's life.
But Redi's life is an entirely different beast, no matter what similarities he and Riley had projected on her possible return home before. So many questions and so few answers, with everything of Redi's slipping away like it never existed for her to hold in the first place.
At Riley's touch, Xander unfurls again. He doesn't seem to realize he's done it. And Riley is making good points, but...
"I won't pretend like I know what you're going through. None of us here do. Everyone's going to want to give you platitudes, but you don't have to pretend like they're working. Not with us or anyone else."
Xander shrugs his shoulders.
"...But I think you should do whatever you want as you want it. No matter how small it is." He gestures to the general area, and how she emerged, despite everything. "Like right now."
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"I-I see lots of pretty colors and don't stick them in my mouth!" Redi groans at Riley. Then, she looks at the antidotes that Xander produces. She stares for a second.
Then, she looks back at Riley. "Riley!" she deamnds.
At least it gets her a little more animated?
She hesitates for a moment, though, at Riley's explanation. She hadn't really given it much thought -- in truth, she was mired in the realization that she wasn't who she thought she was. She never quite considered what caused that. Redi is quiet, as she considers it.
"That... that makes sense," she says, her voice quiet. "The couple of months I mixed up... I must have been..." Being born -- or reborn -- then.
She shakes her head. It's more than she can think of.
She looks at Xander, then she hesitates, before she nods. "There's... not a manual for this," she admits. "I... I guess so. It's just..."
Does she like being Redi? Does she still like the mail?
"...Yeah," Redi says, her voice quiet. "I like who I was. Before. And I loved the mail. But it's... I think about it, and I can't help but wonder."
Redi looks down. "Is it really mine to love? To want?" she asks, quietly. "I know--I know it should be, it's still my memories, but..."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"There are a lot of things in the world that should be tasted even if they shouldn't be eaten," Riley says tragically. And a bit incomprehensibly.
Redi agrees she still loves the mail, but suggests she might not have the right to love the mail. To be both Redi and the being that killed Redi... Riley cannot pretend to understand how complicated that might be.
"I think that might be sort of what Xander was saying... ... that you can decide that kind of thing. You could honor the original Redi by treating her stuff like it's not yours and trying to start over fresh, or you could honor her by letting her live on through you... or you could decide you don't owe her anything one way or another because you were born after she was already gone. But no matter what, you do deserve to have a life of your own and to... find the things that keep you going. Everybody does." Even monsters.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander gestures at Riley with Redi's admonishment, as if to casually second the sentiment. It's less exhausting to have someone else do it for him.
And it is good to see Redi slightly more animated and less like giving up on everything. Riley has that effect on people, Xander supposes. And Xander, of all people, would know.
As Redi doubts what is or isn't hers, Xander's gaze narrows. It's not so much at her as the idea of a world that might agree with it. He very nearly growls, but Riley offers a gentler version than what Xander's about to snap into.
It gives him a moment to be less... aggressive about it.
"...He's right. Loving and wanting is being alive. Born or reborn, Redi or not Redi, you're alive. So go ahead and live."
The possible problems of the murderous Fangs of Valmar telling Redi this are not lost on Xander, but that's who she's got in the room with her. So these are the answers she's going to get.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"Th-that doesn't make sense!" Redi groans. She looks at Xander and, at least, seems a bit relieved that he agrees with her on this.
She does flinch, though, when she catches how Xander's eye narrows. Maybe, she thinks, it was the wrong thing to say. Riley explains, though, and Xander points out that this is part of being alive.
Which she is, even if she isn't who she thought she was.
"Y-Yeah," Redi says. "I guess I... I don't know, yet. Which it is. But I'll... I'll try to not just give up the things I love."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley sighs and hangs his head. Perhaps the world may never understand the allure of eating strange and sometimes poisonous things...
But there are important matters concerning Redi's self and future to be discussed. Riley nods as she resolves not to give up on the things that matter to her. "And the more time goes on," he offers, "...the more things you'll have that are fully yours, and not sort of... shared with the other Redi." Time eases most wounds, but he imagines it's especially valuable for wounds that involve a recent sundering of your identity.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Riley may be right about time, but Xander still has his own half of the opinion.
"You don't have to know. You don't even have to smile about it. Scream and cry if you want to... just so long as you don't let go of it. Delivering mail. Those friends of yours. Even tasting things that shouldn't be eaten."
There are reasons, however exhausting Xander finds the habit, he ultimately does not stop Riley. (Xander cannot stop Riley and should not pretend he can.)
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"Yeah... more that's mine," Redi murmurs. "I've got a few already." Time will give her more. It's worth remembering that, especially whenit feels daunting.
She looks at Xander -- she blinks once, then she nods. "...Y-Yeah. I understand," Redi says. She doesn't have to put a smile one.
Which is something Redi tends towards.
"I'm... I won't let go of them." A beat. "Except I don't think I'll take up tasting random things, if it's all the same."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Redi wisely declines to take up eating things that shouldn't be eaten as part of her life reinvention. Riley gives a sigh. "If you ever do become interested in taking that on as a hobby, I'd be happy to teach..." He says serenely. What's there to teach exactly other than that you need someone like Xander close by?
"I'm glad you're starting to collect new things, though." Xander gives a reminder that it's okay to express her unhappiness, too.
"I... imagine it's going to suck for a while," Riley admits. "But hopefully happier times aren't too far off."
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
It's true Xander has no idea what Redi's going through right now. He's felt like he's lost himself, but he's not had his identity in question. If it were him, he wouldn't want to smile. Hell, he doesn't want to smile about as a third party. Why should Redi?
"Smart of you," Xander comments on not eating poison, cracking his eye open to glance to Riley. He takes back to his alchemy, where those new reagents went into a mix and...
...pours a cup of tea to offer Redi. He pauses. And then he gets one for Riley. Another relaxing mixture, sweet and vaguely fruity. Really, it's more to keep Redi hydrated if she'll take to it.
Only then does he return to his original alchemy, which has cooled now. And gelled into something semi solid for him to begin shaping. When he's in a hurry, he makes spheres. Since he's not in a hurry, he pulls off his glove and begins cutting out shapes with his clawed fingertips. Stars, crescents, sunbursts...
This man kills people.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"I... uh. I'll keep that generous offer in mind?"
If Redi sounds dubious, that is because she is.
She takes the cup of tea that Xander offers, taking a good sniff of it -- sighs happily -- and then she has a sip. "Thanks, Xander," she says, even as she watches his clawed fingertips cut shapes out.
There is a slight smile, then. She looks up at Riley -- and there's a moment's hesitation, but she nods.
"Yeah," she admits. "It... probably will. But... still. Thanks, you two."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley steals a candy that Xander has cut into a particularly cute shape, admires it in the light for a moment, and then eats it without remorse (unless Xander manages to snatch it away in time). Apparently the tea was not sufficient distraction... though he does take that up to enjoy as well.
Redi agrees there are many hard days ahead, but thanks them. Riley smiles sadly and nods. "Sure. I know it's not much but... we do have some experience with... unusual existences." Monster life...
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander pauses to look at Riley and simply watches him, challenging him to eat what is effectively a sticky gummy candy because it isn't even hardened properly yet! And of course Riley eats it. Xander sighs and hands him another one.
"Like I said, it's not quite the same," Xander echoes of Riley's sentiments. "But we've been to a few dark places."
He continues his candy shaping.
"...You're lucid sooner than I was. So give yourself some credit."
<Characters> Eleanor Klein says, "hmmm"
<Characters> Eleanor Klein says, "I'm adjusting kaguya sheet"
All channels have been gagged.
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"Mm. Yeah..." Redi trails off for a moment. She considers, for a moment, her curse -- if it can still be called that. It is different than the Fangs of Valmar.
But there is something to be said for someone who has felt like a monster.
"...I, ah. I know who to turn to," she says, looking between them. "When it comes to... unusual existences."
She sips her tea again. "I-I guess I... did get right to it," she says, looking at Xander. She smiles, though it's a little worn out still. "I guess I still do that."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"Yeah. You're taking it really well. But like Xander said--" Riley is rewarded for his candy theft with more candy, which he also eats, after taking a moment to sparkle at Xander in response to the challenging stare (and candy gift that followed it). Xander, you shouldn't encourage these behaviors...
"...if you get tired of putting on a brave face and want to scream and cry for a while instead, that's more than fair."
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
It doesn't matter if Xander does or doesn't encourage it and he knows that. Might as well let Riley be happy.
"Hm. True. Something tells me church girl's oddities are a different breed." Xander you can't pretend you don't know their names now! "Although... desert boy..." He looks to his clawed fingertips a moment.
Xander shakes his head, dismissing the thought. That's something to worry about later.
"You could afford to take that advice more often," he says instead.
[OOC] Xander Lovell says, "bluray avoid --> afford"
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"I'll... I'll keep it in mind. I'm about cried out. I... I mean, I don't feel like I'm taking it that well, but..."
She was always good at bouncing back. Or, maybe, Redi thinks, she is good at forcing herself to try to bounce back.
She does fall quiet at the mention of Yulie's and Hicalu's troubles. Hicalu mentioned the strange man who looked like him -- the man who, he said, had a part of Valmar.
She can't mention that to them, and it's a reminder.
Redi hesitates, before she smiles a little, and says: "Already forgot their names? Sheesh."
Then, she looks at Riley -- but she doesn't comment on his taking the advice to scream and cry at times.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley pauses, Xander's retort reminding him of some more important advice he thinks he has.
"...Giving yourself permission to feel happy is important too." This seems especially important if Redi feels like more tears wouldn't help. He looks down. "Sometimes that feels like the most decadent thing of all."
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Redi says she's about cried out.
"That's what the tea is for."
He grunts dismissively at the accusation of forgetting their names. No remorse, no shame...! What? They're not his friends. Neither is Redi, for that matter, as far as he's concerned. Not that he needs to go asserting it.
She's Riley's friend. Don't overthink it.
Remorse does hit when Riley counters back. Xander looks to him with a small degree of alarm, mouth open. He quietly shuts it and busies himself with pointlessly organizing candy shapes.
"...I suppose."
<Pose Tracker> Redi Hayworth has posed.
"O-oh," Redi stammers. "Right, rehydration, that makes sense." She takes a sip of her tea again, and looks between them both for a moment.
Permission to feel happy, Riley says.
She catches the start that Xander has -- the surprise at it -- and then she nods, before she looks at Riley. "Yeah," she agrees. "Yeah, I... don't want to give up on feeling happy, either."
Maybe it's a little nudge to both of them, too.