2018-07-31: The Nature of Emotion and Memory

From Dream Chasers
Jump to navigation Jump to search
  • Log: The Nature of Emotion and Memory
  • Cast: Lily Keil, Xantia
  • Where: Vane - Residential District
  • Date: July 31, 2018
  • Summary: Noticing that Xantia has been strangely quiet after the events at Uzda Il-jam, Lily goes to check up on her. An exchange of concerns results.

======================<* Vane - Residential District *>=======================

According to the histories, the Magic City of Vane once floated above the surface of Lunar, providing magicians with a vantage point like none other to study the mysteries of their art and world.

Those days are gone.

The Vane of today is a battered, ramshackle ruin, with all but a few houses crumbled into rubble and disrepair. The outskirts of the city would be a looter's paradise if there was anything left to loot; most residents are either scraping out a bare existence with the Magic Guild or simply taking advantage of free real estate to squat in the less-toppled buildings.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_Vntv83fb8
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

The Wolfsbane is usually not all that loud--today isn't an exception. It's raining out, quiet in this part of the town, but there are still some people here. ...Particularly after all the excitement on the island.

Lily Keil happens to be one of them, having closed the door to her own room to walk thhe hall of the upper floor. She's dressed casually for the moment, anachronistically; long pants, boots, a shirt unbuttoned at the top to show the strange markings (Blue just now) at the base of her throat, no gloves. All in black, obviously. Her knife is at her boot, as always. ...And her golden eyes are bloodshot and red-rimmed. But she seems alert enough.

She's got her medical satchel, too.

A knock comes at Xantia's door. Lily is not rude enough to just walk straight in, because she values privacy. "Xantia," Lily says. "...Checking in."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

The Wolfsbane tends to be significantly louder than typical if Xantia happens to be around. But not this time. For a few days now, Xantia's spent most of her time in her room. She comes out to eat, of course. You'd probably need to start worrying about the apocalypse if she started skipping meals. But even then she's been on the quiet side, by her standards.

It takes her a moment to respond when there's a knock at her door. "...Lily?" Judging from the squeak followed by a thud, it sounds like she just sprang up from her bed. A second later, the door is thrown open by a concerned-looking Xantia. "Are you alright?"

The way she looks Lily over, lingering on the visible part of those patterns, it's pretty self-evident what she's worried about. Considering what she saw back at the ruins, that's only to be expected.

Xantia, for her part, looks pretty much the same as always. Except that this is one of those rare times that she isn't wearing her travelling cloak. Tied around her neck as it usually is, it's easy to forget about that big, uncomfortable-looking ring of gold-trimmed black metal that covers her throat, now on full display.

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Well, that's Xantia's presence. Lily, for all that she tends to keep to herself a lot, pays attention to the habits of the other Wolves; she hasn't paid social calls yet. ...But she's noticed; she's noticed that Xantia has been eating, but noticed that she's been quiet, too.

Lily is pretty attuned to whether people are loud, considering.

Squeak, thud. Lily is there at the door, looking over Xantia in silence for a moment to consider her condition. It is easy to forget about that ring of metal. But Lily certainly sees it, now. She also sees...

"I'm fine," Lily says. She doesn't look great, of course. "Just tired. I overdid it some, channeling that much magic near that sort of..." She considers the word, "Whatever it was. There was power there, is all."

She pauses, at that. "And you? You've been quiet." Pause. "May I come in? I'd rather not stand at the door discussing personal matters."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Has Xantia noticed anything out of the ordinary? Perhaps. But if so, she hasn't noticed it about herself. From her point of view, Lily coming to her has to mean that there's something wrong with Lily. It's what she asked after all - if there's something wrong related to those markings, come to see her. And with this timing...

But from what Lily is saying, it doesn't seem to be that, visibly confusing Xantia. "Really, you're fine? Are you sure?" She catches herself thinking 'then why are you here', but she stops short of asking that question out loud. Perhaps she doesn't need to, she's pretty easy to read. Nothing against Lily of course, it's just not something she would have expected.

When confronted with the fact that she's been quiet, she blinks a few times, then averts her eyes for a moment. "I... guess I have been? I didn't realize." She refocuses on Lily to ask the completely straight-faced question, "Do you want me to be louder?"

It looks like the question to come in was also unexpected, but Xantia readily stands aside. "Sure, if you want... what personal matters?" She still doesn't fully understand what this is about, it seems. That, or she's being coy, and you'd once again have to wonder if Xantia has been replaced with an identical looking clone or something.

Xantia's room isn't much to look at, she didn't decorate it at all. Her travelling cloak dangles off a hook on the wall, but other than that it's just the typical Wolfsbane bedroom, with an unmade bed. Makes sense, considering how little time she normally spends in here.

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

That doesn't immediately occur to Lily--not until she reads it from Xantia. There's a shake of her head. "...We can talk about me in a minute," she allows eventually, instead. "But the worst injury I had that didn't heal immediately was some burst blood vessels," she says with a shrug. Lily, of course, did keep to herself for the last few days.

Is it so strange that Lily would check on someone? (Yes. It kind of is.)

"No, no," Lily answers quickly, "You don't need to be louder. But you've been behaving differently, so I wanted to see if you were all right."

Have Lily's markings changed any? It's hard to say, given that Xantia saw them just recently. They might have stretched a little farther, but not much if so. But--

"...Your condition. My condition, if you keep insisting on asking."

Lily glances about the room, and turns around once she's farther in to wait for Xantia to close the door. It's not hard to spot her glancing at that band of metal on Xantia's neck again. "...So. Any injuries? Anything on your mind?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia doesn't pry further, only nodding when Lily says that can wait. Good enough for now, she supposes. Even she'd admit it's a bit weird that she has mixed feelings about this not being some kind of emergency. She should be able to just be glad about that, right?

Xantia freezes at the door when it's clarified that she's been behaving differently. It's true that she didn't notice. But when someone else says it out loud like that... yes, she probably has been, hasn't she? It's a wonder she's even surprised, her utter inability to keep secrets has made it pretty clear that she couldn't keep anything hidden from people to save her life.

Slowly, Xantia closes the door. A faint smile has appeared when she turns around, expressing. "It's nice of you to worry. But... I don't know if you can help me with this." With that, she motions to the single, simple wooden chair in the room, and makes her way back to the bed, where she takes a seat.

She's quick to answer, "No injuries, no," when asked about that, though she remains silent on the second question a moment. She runs her hand across the large metal choker she wears, though this may be subconscious - she's clearly noticed Lily looking at it. When she does break the silence, she answers honestly about what's on her mind, seemingly finding it hard to keep looking Lily in the eyes.

"When I told you I used to wish I wasn't so different from everyone else, and that I'm okay with it now... I was only talking about these powers I have. There are... other things, that make me different."

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

An emergency would be simple; it'd be easy to know how to feel about it. Maybe not that strange, really.

Lily, for her part, retains her characteristic calm even through Xantia's surprise, her freezing. Lily just waits through it--though when Xantia smiles, Lily glances to the side, frowning lightly. "...It's not about being nice," she answers. "You looked out for me, and I'll look out for you." Is... she a little defensive about being accused of niceness? The truth of course is that she does worry.

Lily takes a seat though when it's offered, and adds, "Try me. I might be able to."

No injuries; that seems clear enough, looking at Xantia. Lily, for her part, finds herself rubbing at her hand with her thumb, the circuitry on the backs of her hands gleaming as softly as ever. It might be a sign of concentration. ...Lily makes to make eye contact, but if Xantia won't, well--

She glances to the side, to make things more comfortable. "...Yes," Lily agrees, with want Xantia says. "Is it..." She considers. "Is it something you want to talk about?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

"That sounds pretty nice to me," Xantia points out when Lily tries to dodge the terrible possibility of maybe having a nice side. Considering the inflection when she says that, it's likely that Xantia didn't even begin to understand how what Lily said made any sort of difference. She has a simple understanding of things, but at times, that might just make it easier to see what's really important.

This particular matter, though... this is a complicated one. One that she's never really talked about, because... well, because it just doesn't feel like anybody could understand it, not from what she's seen. It makes her not just uncomfortable, but downright afraid of what people might think of her. Thus, her initial response is, "Not really..." Only to quickly correct herself, "Maybe. I don't know."

Not knowing is really the worst thing. But at the same time, she's afraid of whatever answers she might encounter. She struggles with those contradictory feelings every day.

After a pause long enough to wonder if she's going to leave it at that, she suddenly turns back to face Lily, starting, "You said sometimes you feel like you don't have most of your emotions anymore. But I... I feel like I never had all of my emotions to begin with. My reactions to things, they're just... not normal sometimes. I know that because... well, it's just obvious sometimes."

Getting up from the bed, Xantia turns towards a wall, as she thinks back to the latest instance. "Back in the ruins... we all saw the same thing, right? I know what that was, we saw parts of that Hellion's life, before it became a Hellion. I know that, but..."

She looks down. She looks sad, and yet... that emotion is at the core of the issue at hand. She turns her head back to Lily, concluding, "I saw you... all of you, how you reacted to that. You were all so sad. And I... I only felt... alone. Because it looked like I was the only one who didn't feel sad."

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

"It..." Lily would have an easier time if Xantia were actually trying to tease about it. "I guess." Xantia's lack of dissembling means there's little point in trying to focus on semantics about this. There's no sense in wasting the time or energy when Xantia sees the part that matters anyway.

Discomfort isn't hard for Lily to spot. She's patient about it. 'Not really' turns to 'Maybe', and Lily just nods. "It's fine," she says. "If I can't, I can't. I won't judge you for it, either way."

Lily waits, though. She waits, and Xantia starts talking; Lily turns her eyes back to Xantia in turn. She listens quietly; it's hard to tell what she's thinking, but on the bright side, it doesn't look like she thinks it's strange. She's seen Xantia's reactions, of course. "Sure," she allows.

The ruins... Lily thinks back to it, remembers. Xantia's sadness is clear, pure in a way. And so she remains silent for a time.

"...It makes sense," Lily says, "That you'd feel alone, in that. You see everyone sharing an experience... And you don't. So it isolates you. But that kind of difference..." She considers how best to put it.

"That kind of difference isn't that unusual, itself. Our experiences, our natures... They bring us to react differently. Each person who was sad could tell you a different reason that those visions made them sad--if they understood their own emotion at all. Many don't."

"...Let me give you an example. I think my reaction was more subdued than most; I was tired. ...I had a reaction to the Hellion, sure. But do you know what stuck with me most, for some reason? ...The sick girl, in the vision. I can guess at why, but that took more of my attention than the story of the Hellion."

"Xantia," Lily says eventually. "We are all different. And you are an unusual young woman; your abilities, your demeanor... Your perspective. They're all different from those around you, and to tell you otherwise to make you feel better... I don't think you'd believe it."

"...But I'm not much like most of those who were gathered there, myself."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

For once, it's hard to tell Xantia's emotions just by looking at her. Probably because that's what lies at the core of the matter, being unsure of her own emotions. Unsure if they're normal. If they're 'correct'. And of course, always in the back of her mind: if they would have been different if she had her memories.

She doesn't say anything while Lily explains. She placed a hand on the band around her neck, which slowly curls into a fist as the explantion continues. Then she starts pacing for a short moment, before she sits down again. Agitation is quite easy to tell now. The first reason for which is the first thing out of her mouth once Lily offers her conclusion. "So... it's different because of people's memories, isn't it?"

Of course she'd focus on that aspect. There's many things people experienced that, if she did too, she doesn't remember. Of course she would be agitated, focused as she is on, "If only I could remember... I'm different now, but maybe I wasn't so different before. I just..." She catches herself, staring at her open palms for a moment. She takes a deep breath, shakes her head, and looks Lily in the eyes again. "...Sorry. I know I can't get, you know... stuck, like that." It's hard, especially at times like this, that make her feel like the memory loss is the source of all her problems.

She falls silent for a moment, then casts her gaze upward. "Even then... does that really explain everything? I mean, it's not just that..." Her gaze comes back down, plainly admitting, "I've never felt anything for any animal."

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Lily tends to cheat, when gauging peoples' emotions these days; it's not as if she means to, precisely, but it's an ability that she can't turn off. She can't even always tell the difference between her own emotions and someone else's.

...But wondering if one's feelings are 'correct' is something she's done, too.

"Not quite," Lily says, though she does not interrupt Xantia to force the explanation. She waits through her agitation, through what she says, through what she wonders... Lily's gaze is patient, when Xantia does look back to her. She may avoid talking with others too much, but now that she's here she is at least doing her best. But--

"...It's natural, to be fixated on something you know is wrong." She pauses. "...I had a feeling. About you, and animals. I've seen it come up before, seen your reactions each time I was around for them. Honestly? No. This doesn't explain everything, or even anything. The only reason I mention it at all is as a reminder: you can let this isolate you... But I don't think you should."

She pauses. "...Experiences shape people, and memories are a record of that. But there's something about that. ...You don't have to remember an experience for it to stick with you. Whatever your life was before, whoever you were... It's shaped you in ways smaller and larger, I'm sure. And understanding the ways that you differ from others may be a clue about why you're different."

Lily pauses. "Not that I have an explanation about you and animals. I don't. But I have a feeling you were different before, too. An ordinary..." She looks down. She thinks about it, glances to the door, to ensure it's closed.

"...An ordinary person wouldn't be on speaking terms with Id, like you or me. I..." She trails off, thinking again. "Memory. ...I know... I have memories of things that never happened. Maybe..." She weighs something. "...There's something I can think of, a lead. But it's strange, and it may not go anywhere."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

The first thing that's plain to see in Xantia's eyes is guilt, when it's stated so plainly that she knows this lack of animal empathy is wrong. It feels wrong - at least, it does when she sees how people and their pets interact, and all she can think about is how hungry she is. When she realizes the only reason she doesn't try to eat people's pets is because she doesn't want to make the owners sad. The animals just... don't even factor into anything.

'You can let this isolate you... But I don't think you should.'

Those are the words that grab her attention. She never thought of it as isolating herself, just... something that isolated her, by definition, nothing she could do about it. Could it really be something that doesn't have to matter as much as she thinks? Now that she thinks about it, it's not like anybody's given her much of a hard time over it. That was all her.

But... if it's also true that if experiences shape people, even without their memories... what the heck did she experience to view Id the way she does? She can't even feel bad about it, because it's clear to see Xantia's eyes lighting up and a smile appearing soon after as soon as he's mentioned. "Id said... we're family." Probably another thing she shouldn't have told anybody about, but she's not even thinking about that now. It makes her unreasonably happy. Apparently she doesn't mind not being ordinary at all when it's about that.

The moment passes quickly, as soon as Lily mentions unusual memories, drawing Xantia's attention and curiosity. "You mean... fake memories?" A scary thought. She can't even imagine thinking she has her memories back, only to later discover they're not real. She'd be crushed. But also, absolutely want to get to the bottom of wher those fake memories came from. "What's your lead?"

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Maybe it's for the best that Dog isn't here right now. ...Dog never seems to hold it against Xantia either, though.

Lily watches carefully Xantia's reaction to her advice about isolating herself--and, seemingly satisfied with it, is willing to move on to other subjects. The smile about Id is strange, sure. It's not the sort of thing anyone should expect. But, "...Family, is it?" she asks. "I wonder about that. There's a lot I don't know about him..." She stops, and looks at Xantia again. Before she answers memories, after all, there is this. "The truth is... And this is something I don't want you to repeat to anyone. Not even to Leon. But..."

"I feel like Id is one of the people who understands me most. I'm not unhappy to see him, either. Though he never called me family, we seem to share a language."

Only then does she turn her head away from looking to a window, towards Xantia again. "Yes, fake memories. I have a few. ...Some that simply aren't mine, but that I believe are real to someone else... And some that I've confirmed never happened. The mind is... Strange. But that's what gave me the thought I have."

"...I..." She considers, closes her eyes. "I sometimes... feel, what others feel, when they're around me. Their emotions, without noticing it, I just... seem to pick them up. But Riesenlied does it much better than I do. If there's something strange with your mind, or your memory..."

"If anyone can help you isolate it, it may be Riesenlied. It's no guarantee, but I'd talk with her."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Lily, what are you doing telling Xantia something you don't want her to repeat to anyone? She's telling you something she shouldn't have repeated to anyone right now! At least she doesn't go out of her way to blab secrets to everybody, but... it's a gamble.

For the moment, that admission only prompts a gleeful reaction from Xantia, going on to say more things Id might have preferred if she didn't tell anybody else. "That's exactly how I feel! I think we can be good friends, though he doesn't seem to like that word, and keeps saying I'm probably designed to kill him." It's almost like she doesn't even hear what she's saying when talking about Id. She certainly isn't thinking about what she's saying.

On the matter of fake memories, she can't help but have the fleeting thought 'what if Lily has my memories', but quickly dismisses that as wishful thinking. Yes, that counts as wishful thinking, it'd be a lot closer to regaining her memories than she is now. Her actual reaction to the matter of empathic abilities is... quite matter-of-fact. "Oh, right, that. I don't think I have that, I just sort of... guess." She's strikingly correct about as often as she is absurdly wrong.

Either way, she clearly doesn't think it's particularly strange for Lily to have this ability. Superpowers that read emotions are a lot more normal and understandable to her than the actual emotions. Where it comes to Riesenlied, however... she looks uncomfortable for a moment, scratching her head. "I, um... I tried to do a mind thing with Riesenlied once. It worked, sort of, but then Cuccos appeared. Are you sure that's a good idea?"

No it's not you, it's perfectly normal to wonder what the heck she's talking about now.

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Clearly, sentimentality is messing with Lily's head. She was obviously right to try to keep her distance from the others.

"Really?" Lily asks. "...Designed to kill him is... problematic," Lily allows, taking that bit of data she doesn't know what to do with at the moment, "But I haven't exactly talked with him about trying to be friends."

Lily would probably know they were Xantia's memories, right? But--well, of course Xantia reacts normally to weird things, that suits the internal logic of Xantia just fine. "You're lucky not to," Lily answers with a shake of her head. "It's bothersome, and intrusive. ...Most people get on just fine by guessing." Xantia better than she should, frankly.

The discomfort readies Lily for... well, for something that isn't what she actually gets. Lily just blinks. "Cuccos... appeared." Deadpan, almost disbelieving. "...You know what maybe it is a bad idea. But it's the only one I can think of. The other beings I've run into that seem to have anything to do with memory or messing with your head are... less.... friendly, we'll say."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

What does Xantia have to say about talking to Id about being friends? What do you think? "You should, you should! Id needs more friends, he's killed and lost a lot of them." Xantia, just... just stop.

Thinking about the matter of super mind powers, Xantia is honestly fine with agreeing, "You're probably right, it doesn't sound like a very fun power." She'd rather get her own mind in order first. It's hard enough to untangle her thoughts as it is, sometimes. Like just a moment earlier, in fact.

In that regard, she seems much improved. The way she's talking now is a lot more like her usual self. Looks like her worries may have been dispelled, or at least not at the forefront of her mind anymore.

Xantia considers Lily's fair judgment on the Cucco situation, weighs it against the thought of bad guys with mind powers, and has to relent with a small sigh, "You're probably right about that, too. I'll think about it."

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

"I--" Lily stops, as if she's encountered a very bad taste, and closes her eyes. "No. I have too many friends as it stands. Too many loyalties to worry about." It sounds... pretty final, at least for the moment.

"I'm glad you can see what I mean," Lily admits about that power. Untangling one's own thoughts is hard even for non-Xantias--though it seems to Lily that the other woman is at least improving, some. It's not all as dour as it was. Still...

"Think about it, yes. ...I'm going to talk to Riesenlied again when I get the chance, myself. Maybe about all this... that's going on, maybe not." She starts to rise, "...Regardless, you seem to be feeling better. I think I should let you to yourself, for a while." She pauses, considers something.

"...It's good to have you around. I'll see you later."