2018-08-23: An Ethical Dilemma
- Log: An Ethical Dilemma
- Cast: Xantia, Lily Keil
- Where: Vane - Residential District
- Date: August 23, 2018
- Summary: After managing to restore Lydia from little more than a metal skeleton, Xantia becomes worried about her powers, and turns to clearly the best person to ask for advice on the ethics of magic use: Lily Keil.
======================<* Vane - Residential District *>======================= According to the histories, the Magic City of Vane once floated above the surface of Lunar, providing magicians with a vantage point like none other to study the mysteries of their art and world. Those days are gone. The Vane of today is a battered, ramshackle ruin, with all but a few houses crumbled into rubble and disrepair. The outskirts of the city would be a looter's paradise if there was anything left to loot; most residents are either scraping out a bare existence with the Magic Guild or simply taking advantage of free real estate to squat in the less-toppled buildings. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_Vntv83fb8
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's been a few days since the climactic battle at Castle Rabenstein. To someone who's has firsthand experience with a previous instance, Xantia's condition before entering the dreamscape was undoubtedly familiar. There's actually only been the one other time she looked that drained while shivering uncontrollably. If questioned, she would only smile and say she would be fine, the universal sign of 'let's not talk about that right now'.
Ironically, going through a world of terrible dreams seemed to have been actually restful to her, given that afterwards she looked a lot better already, especially once food was added to the equation. With a general celebratory mood going, the matter didn't really come up anymore after that. She has indeed seemed pretty fine since then, so there may have been nothing to worry about. She certainly didn't look like she was worrying about anything. She wasn't, really, not at the time.
But now she's had a little more time to think, process what happened a bit more. Which brings us to the present time, where Xantia's approach can be heard a mile away, making a beeline for Lily's room at high speed. And just barges right on in. She has knocked, at times. This is not one of the times that she even thinks to do so, and one of the times where there probably would have been damage to the door if it had been locked.
You don't need to be a doctor to recognize panic, especially when it's this obvious. Xantia looks like she's seen a ghost, slamming the door behind her and leaning her back against it. Before anything else, she asks the simple but urgent question, "Lily, can we talk?"
Maybe a little late for politeness, but.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily, by contrast, has not seemed better-rested at all since the dreams and battles at Castle Rabenstein. In point of fact, she's been scarce despite being present, largely up in her room, and even when she comes out she doesn't exactly look at her best. Pale, drawn, generally quiet. ...But with the celebratory mode going, she's been in decent spirits, at least.
Well, and in spirits, so to speak. But that's not precisely unusual.
The present time finds Lily hearing a very quick approach, and so when the door opens one of the most obvious features of the room is the large knife in Lily's hand.
...That's not the only thing, of course; a large bed, a desk with a few books piled on on the other side of the room, a window with curtains drawn. Having left breakfast early, she's currently seated on the bed with said knife in a bandaged hand--
...And lowers it, when she feels the panic before she even sees it, sees Xantia just come right in and sighs for a moment.
Lily, not having expected company, has her shoes off and is wearing a tanktop and pants, which makes the markings obvious where her bandages aren't covering them over. She narrows her eyes in thought suddenly--
"Yes," Lily answers after glancing Xantia over, closing her eyes for an instant and moving her hand to the side--
There's a flash of orange-red as the lamp by the bed is suddenly lit.
"Come on. What's wrong?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Lighting things at a distance...! Probably an exercise that your average Ether user wouldn't even need to think about, but, well, Xantia can't do it, so to her that sort of thing is kind of an arcane marvel. She's a bit too out of sorts to pay much attention to that, though. Or Lily's state of dress and condition. The knife she probably wouldn't react to either way, because it's Lily, and that's just normal.
She approaches quickly once given confirmation, attempting to explain hurriedly, "I... I think I did a bad thing. I mean, I'm not sure, but it's, you're not supposed to..." Well, that attempt failed. With a sigh, she lets herself drop on the bed moreso than taking a seat, pausing to take a few deep breaths. She's not going to get anywhere like this.
"...Sorry, for coming by like this," she finally thinks to say once she's calmed a little, with a sincere apologetic look. She really would have preferred to let Lily get more rest. Resting doesn't happen enough as it is. "It's just... there's no one else I can talk to about this."
Thinking about things that Xantia would absolutely need to talk to Lily about probably narrows the subject down a bit already, even before she clarifies, "I used that power again." If even Xantia feels that's all she needs to say, she must think it's pretty obvious. It's not like she really knows what to call it, anyway. 'Glowy-fixy thingy' doesn't exactly have the proper gravitas. "But it was... different, this time."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily's not exactly at her best, but it's an old, simple task for her; control of flame, precision. ...She doesn't linger on it though, opening her eyes after, setting aside the knife. ...It is pretty normal for her to be a bit paranoid.
So Xantia approaches and makes an attempt, and Lily waits. "It's fine," she says at first. "Take your time."
Lily hears the apology, shakes her head lightly. "It's really not a problem. I can tell something is wrong. ...If I'm the only one you can talk to, then talk."
'That' power. The one that made Xantia cold, as Lily saw; one that is singular, stands out. Lily can make the guess easily, yes. She looks Xantia up and down to check for any physical aftermath... But maybe Xantia already recovered.
"If you can tell me the context, that will help me understand. What was different about it? What happened?"
Lily turns partway to talk with Xantia, eyes on her. ...Though she glances once at the door, and rises after a moment, walking slowly--carefully--to lock it again.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's probably no big surprise to see that Xantia appears to be in physically perfect condition. Count on her to recover in hours from things that should take days to recover from. And yet that's less magical to her than lighting things at a distance. It's all a matter of what's normal for you to do without thinking.
Mentally however seems to be a different story. Things don't always phase Xantia even when they probably should, but this time something has her thoroughly spooked. She was already not very comfortable about this power to begin with, not fully understanding how it works or how she knows exactly what to do with it. And now, it seems that she may still have been underestimating it.
She nods a few times to Lily's acknowledgements, and responds, "...I'll try," regarding the context. That's the hard part.
"Lydia, she..." Xantia begins, but quickly pauses, involuntarily shuddering when she thinks back to what happened. The name involved is probably not a big surprise - if it wasn't Lily she used that power on, Lydia would be the most likely. But that's not the problem. The problem is... describing it. She's not sure if she's even capable of properly doing so. Lily has plenty of time to lock the door, before she's capable of starting over. Best start at the beginning.
"...We were fighting Rosa. She was very angry. I'm not sure what happened... maybe it was because of that mirror. But she got huge, and, there was just so much fire--" She swallows. She hadn't been looking Lily in the eye so far, but she turns to do so now. "...Lily, Lydia, she... there was nothing left. Nothing, just... bones... But still I, I couldn't just leave it like that, so I--"
Xantia wraps her arms around herself. It was a disturbing sight, to put it mildly. She didn't even think about what she was doing at the time. But by now, it's probably clear why this has left her out of sorts.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Not in the least, though it's always a little surprising; Lily isn't used to seeing people who heal even faster than she does, frankly. ...Though Lily is still injured from those events. At the same time, conjuring a little fire is almost nothing to her. Maybe it is just a matter of that. But mentally...
Lily steps back when she locks the door, feet padding along the floor until she sits down beside the often-hungry young woman who's invaded her space for the moment. Describing--describing is difficult, but--
Frankly Xantia doesn't entirely have to; her feelings about it at least are clear, and with Lily focusing on her, it's easy to tell them apart from her own. She examines those as much as she's examining Xantia, considering what she saw of Rosaline, of the mirror...
She can imagine the sight as Xantia describes it, and Lily's gaze is steady and even when Xantia turns to look her in the eye. Lydia...
"It's all right, to be bothered. Something like that isn't easy to see. ...I was given training, practice, preparation to see things like that in the war. Even then, sometimes it was difficult."
She speaks slowly, evenly, carefully. "...Lydia heals like you or I do, but even moreso--differently, but powerfully. It sounds like you were able to empower that process... Likely because of her mechanical qualities."
"Did she recover?" Lily has to ask.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Mechanical..." It's the only word Xantia says for a while, looking down. Like she's clinging onto it to make it feel somewhat better. She never really parsed Lydia as anything but a regular Beastman. But maybe she needs to adjust that image. Particularly since, as she notes after a long pause, "...They were metal. The bones, I mean."
This makes it a little hard to answer what should have been a simple question. Did she recover? Xantia feels uncertain, settling on a slight nod. "It... looked like she recovered. It looked like she recovered really well." Exceptionally so. It's certainly true what Lily said, that this healing was... different.
Which brings her to her original concern. Which wasn't even so much related to seeing the state Lydia was in. That brings her eyes back to Lily, asking the serious question, "Was that... okay? I've read books on magic, they say that this isn't something you should ever use magic for. That it never ends well..." So what exactly Xantia's actual major concern? In case it wasn't clear already, she finally just asks it straight out.
"...Am I a Necromancer?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Mechanical. Lily... doesn't make a habit of sharing too many secrets, but in this case--ah. Metal bones. That doesn't really surprise Lily, frankly, who recalls the matter of Lydia's metal arm. Lily nods, in acknowledgement, and just... waits. It looked like she recovered well. That's a start.
"I see," Lily answers, and when Xantia looks back to her--is it--
...Lily blinks in surprise to be asked ethical questions about the use of magic, that anyone would think that she's the one to ask for something like that. "Ah--"
It's sufficient surprise that it takes her a few moments even after Xantia finishes, with Lily obviously thinking--
"...I don't believe so," she answers eventually. "And I think it was fine. You helped her; you didn't do some... Well, you didn't do anything to her soul, so far as I know. As for the books..."
Lily shakes her head, waves a hand to the side in a gesture. "Books say a lot of things about magic. The truth is, if I could revive the dead in that way? I would. Without question, I would consider it an extension of healing. 'Never ends well?' Maybe not the awful excesses of turning someone's body into a servant, of crude manipulations... but if it's really just restoring life when it's faded?"
Of course Lily would.
"...Hmm. I have a way to test it. But it may be dangerous. ...I... To be honest, I don't actually know how Lydia's body works. I only know that... We have some things in common."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Really, all that Xantia needed was to feel reassured that she didn't do anything bad to Lydia, or something to somehow doom herself or anything like that. Freely accessible books on magic don't tend to speak too kindly on the practice and consequences of raising the dead, who knew?
But thankfully, Lily says it's fine, so everything is fine! It's clear to see the instant relief in Xantia's expression. Honestly, she never realized she was asking anything ethical. She was just fact-checking. She may not fully understand what 'ethics' even are, any more than she understands what 'etiquette' is.
And those are far from the only things she doesn't really get, as evidenced in the verbal expression of her relief. "Thank goodness! I'm glad the books were wrong about that. They did mention the soul, but... I don't really know what a soul is. Or where it is. Is it like... in your head, or in your chest?" Those just seem like the two most likely places to her.
That's... really all it took to calm Xantia down. Lily's powers can verify - she's not faking her reassurance, that actually worked to reassure her. Lily's an authority on magic as far as Xantia's concerned, why wouldn't she believe everything she was told are facts? Already in a better mood, she sounds downright cheerful inquiring, "Test? What kind of test?" She glosses over the dangerous part. She always glosses over the dangerous part.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
It's so simple, really. Lily can't help but reflect on the difference; on how quickly Xantia seems to be relieved, how quickly it's just better. ...Would it be so simple for her? Definitely not.
"Books say a lot of things," Lily allows--she's the type to read a lot herself, but even so. "That's..." She pauses. What is a soul? She considers Xantia for a moment.
"It's a part of a person that isn't physical," Lily says. "It's not really contained in any 'part'. It's the spirit, the thing that makes you 'you' even if things change. Don't worry if you don't understand; it's complicated. ...People argue a lot about what it is, what it means. Just remember that it's important."
She pauses at the question, nods after a moment. "We wouldn't have to do it now--if it works, that ability takes a lot out of you. But if you're worried that you can do that... The way to find out is to test what you can do. To have you try healing one of these wounds," Lily suggests raising her hand slightly, "Or someone who's far gone."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Many things certainly do tend to be simple in Xantia's eyes. Perhaps inappropriately so. And at times she makes a big deal out of things that are of little concern to others. Maybe that's just something that can happen when you can't remember anything your parents taught you, or anything social interactions taught you at a young age. There's no way she would have been like that begin with... right?
Xantia is curious to learn, however. Understanding what a soul is like has always eluded her, and Lily's explanation doesn't really fill in all the blanks in a way that's easy to make sense of. Xantia crosses her arms, looking pensive as she takes a moment to think it over. "So you can still be 'you' even if you're not... like you used to be. That does sound complicated. I wonder if there's any memories in my soul..." Because of course that's the path that would lead her down to. At least it's a bit of a relief regarding Lydia.
The notion of the test... that makes Xantia look a little surprised. "Just... try to do things?" Not actually a whole lot of difference from what she usually does. It's how she discovered basically everything she can do. Well... maybe a little different. Previously she really have any idea what she was trying to accomplish exactly, mostly things just sort of... happened. Or they just clicked in her head all of a sudden, when the right situation came up. It tends to work better than when she actually tries to do a certain specific thing, if her initial attempts to make fire happen were any indication.
The surprise fades into light worry, Xantia uncrossing her arms to look at one of her own hands, slowly closing it. "...I guess I shouldn't stop trying things. But, it does bother me..." She looks back to Lily. "I already realized it when I used that power the first time, but... it would be really easy to damage things further. All I'd have to do is stop halfway, for whatever reason, and..." And she'd be leaving things in a disassembled state. While she doesn't understand all the details of how this works, she has a vague understanding of what that would do to somebody who depends on them. It's a scary thought.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Surely not. ...Though Lily doesn't remember much of her early childhood, herself, and is the way she is. ...Probably not the same kind of thing.
Lily is aware that her explanation isn't very detailed at least. But, "Yes, that's right. ...Maybe there are; but I think rather than retaining the memories directly... your 'self' is shaped by events, whether you can consciously recall them or not. It's... Well, there's not an easy answer."
Just try to do things--it's not so strange to Lily of course, who's learned and grown her abilities through exactly that process. Simply trying to make it work, feeling out what's possible. But Xantia's surprise makes Lily sure to look steady as she nods, noticing... Hearing her worry. She considers--
It's hard not to imagine what would've happened if Xantia had stopped partway through with her. Lily is quiet for a moment.
"...Yes," Lily answers instead. "That's something you can do too, then, I imagine. It's the same as I said; learning to use the same power differently, coming to understand it. It's a useful skill--but I wouldn't worry too much. ...The same is true of conventional healing, after all. With my knowledge of medicine, I could hurt someone badly rather than heal them if I chose. ...It's the same."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
The soul is a strange thing to consider indeed. Concepts like that are hard for Xantia to begin with, when there's nothing tangible about it. It's in the same box as Ethics or Etiquette that way. She'll just have to muddle through and see if the scattered things she learns about them ever end up forming a whole that makes sense in her head.
It doesn't really help that she often brings memory into things whenever it seems just a tiny bit appropriate. Lily tries her best to make that fit into things, but it's leading Xantia down another odd tangent. "Huh. So, even if I lost my memory again, I'd still kind of remember things, a little bit? Well that's a relief!" Well... at least she seems to feel good about that one.
The notion of using the same power differently... that quiets Xantia down for a moment. She opens and closes her hands a few times as she examines them. Briefly, they glow with the same colors of light that she employed when using her powers in that way before - one hand white, one hand red. Then she speaks, softly, as if thinking out loud, "Destruction, Rejuvenation... two sides of the same coin."
There's no way those were her own words. No prize for guessing who did speak them to her, given how obvious it's been that Xantia has a certain other red-haired individual on her mind quite often.
She finds her smile again when she raises her head and balls her hands into fists, suddenly motivated and full of energy, as per usual. "Okay then! I'll keep trying! I won't get discouraged just because I made a tree grow tentacles!"
That's an awfully specific example...
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily can mostly recall the different lessons she had on the same concept, the arguments, the debates...
She does try to make it fit, at least. "...Yes," Lily answers, nodding. "That's my experience. ...Though it's a different situation from yours, I imagine, what I've seen. Regardless I think it's true for you, too."
At least there's the concept of not having to start over?
Lily can feel the Ether for an instant as Xantia glows. Those words--
Id's words. They have to be.
"...Yes," Lily agrees quietly. "They are. One can easily become the other--one can lead to the other. Though..." She looks down at her own hand, sighs, shaking her head. What about her own?
"Yes, that's--" Lily pauses. A tree... grow...
"...Yes," she says, deciding that she doesn't actually want to ask. "I think you'll do fine. Are you feeling any better?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
If it's true that even now, on some level, Xantia still remembers some things despite her amnesia, she sure wishes her soul would make it more obvious! So she thinks, while completely glossing over the fact that this kind of has to be true, or she wouldn't be able to do the things she does. Being able to essentially perform nanosurgery using Ether isn't knowledge that just drops out of thin air. It's just not knowledge that gives Xantia any more certainty regarding the things and people she used to care about. In the end, that's all she really wants to know. If she's still anything at all like the person she used to be. In that respect, what Lily said about the soul is a comforting thought.
Though recognizing the awkward pause, and briefly glancing at Lily quizzically when that thought is broken off prematurely, Xantia doesn't pry. She really barely understands things herself - if something about this is confusing Lily, what chance does she have? No point to even ask.
Yeah... yeah the tree thing is definitely a thing that actually happened. A solid reason not to use her powers too frivolously. That time she only ruined vegetation, she'd rather not ruin anything else.
Even so, her confidence has clearly been rekindled, finding what she was told today predominantly reassuring. "I'm feeling a lot better, now that I know I didn't do anything bad! Thanks, Lily! I'm glad I came to see you!" Nothing disingenuous about that. Not that Xantia ever is.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Is it such a bad thing, to want to know where you came from? Lily doesn't know that herself. She doesn't know anything about her past before she was taken in by the Keils. ...So maybe she is inclined to be a little more helpful with Xantia for that reason, even if that's not the only one. Maybe.
Lily shakes her head at the strange look. She isn't volunteering whatever it was for the moment, just says, "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
She told Xantia she'd talk to her if something was wrong, but how can she talk about something she isn't yet sure about herself? "...I'm just thinking about something, is all. If I come up with something I can share, I'll tell you."
Some questions are just... better left unasked. It's probably fine.
"Good, I'm glad to hear it," Lily answers. She doesn't smile--she rarely does--but she does watch Xantia for a few more moments thouhtfully. "...Well, feel free to come back if something else happens, all right? I think for my part I'm going try and get a little more rest."