2018-09-17: Rejecting Loss
- Log: Rejecting Loss
- Cast: Lily Keil, Xantia
- Where: Old Petra
- Date: September 17th, 2018
- Summary: Xantia worries over Lily's lingering injury. Despite differing viewpoints on loss, an agreement is made.
===============================<* Old Petra *>================================ Old Petra -- as it is now known to Adelyn locals -- was once a bustling colliery village back in the heyday of the iron rush. But as the veins dried up, rumors of unsavory business and thuggery began to drive people away from the village. Bandits and monsters became a more and more common sight around this desolate village, and eventually, there was no one left to care for it. It simply became one of the many ghost towns that dot the wild frontier. Most recently, Old Petra has been outed as a Metal Demon base and a climactic battle took place there. Now, the village lies as mostly a smouldering wreck, a reminder of how horrible war truly can be -- on both sides. However, a nearby mine appears to hang in the distance, rumoured to be a base for the Metal Demons... BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRzlHGmr_EE
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Finding Lily Keil today isn't all that difficult--she's made enough appearances in the refugee camps here for people to remember her, what with her bolstering security for the Tainted and those from Azado who remain here--looking after Riesenlied, keeping trouble from forming... though she hasn't exactly been friendly.
So asking about her among the prefabbed buildings and people wandering gets points farther along, where someone thinks they saw a woman by that description--
The path leads to the mine, and a little ways in Lily can be seen, dressed for work; her armored jacket is discarded on the ground beneath her satchel, and she wears a black tanktop, gray pants, solid boots; her strange circuit markings gleam brilliant blue at the moment, and...
Well, her hands are covered in ice and she's punching a pillar of stone, one-two, one-two, another; the sounds are... well, loud, as rock chips off into the air under the sorceress's strikes.
She isn't looking to the entrance to this side-room, but Dog is! Surprising Lily will result in meeting Dog first, who is just watching fairly gamely for anyone to approach, as directed.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Finding Lily Keil today isn't all that difficult--she's made enough appearances in the refugee camps here for people to remember her, what with her bolstering security for the Tainted and those from Azado who remain here--looking after Riesenlied, keeping trouble from forming... though she hasn't exactly been friendly.
So asking about her among the prefabbed buildings and people wandering gets points farther along, where someone thinks they saw a woman by that description--
The path leads to the mine, and a little ways in Lily can be seen, dressed for work; her armored jacket is discarded on the ground beneath her satchel, and she wears a black tanktop, gray pants, solid boots; her strange circuit markings gleam brilliant blue at the moment, and...
Well, her hands are covered in ice and she's punching a pillar of stone, one-two, one-two, another; the sounds are... well, loud, as rock chips off into the air under the sorceress's strikes. She looks better than back in Azado, back on the ship; she's wearing an eyepatch now rather than a set of bandages, and is only her usual level of pale, rather than ill-looking, though she looks a little different sweaty with her arms bared anyway.
She isn't looking to the entrance to this side-room, but Dog is! Surprising Lily will result in meeting Dog first, who is just watching fairly gamely for anyone to approach, as directed.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia did know where Lily had gone off to, but that was shortly after the second battle of Adlehyde. Since then, she's been pretty much all over Ignas. It made sense to ask around in Old Petra where Lily was now, but she wasn't expecting the answer to be 'just around the corner'. Probably just a weird coincidence. Lily wouldn't stay in one place for that long, right?
But the details don't really matter, what matter is that Lily is conveniently right here! Xantia wastes no time in heading directly where she's pointed. A mine, that brings back memories. Taking mining-related jobs used to be a common way for her to make some quick money. If it's about smashing rocks, she could get that sort of thing done in a fraction of the expected time. It didn't make much (mostly because she was getting ripped off without realizing it), but it was easy, and fun!
Following the noise leads her quickly to a figure inside the mine which she doesn't immediately recognize as Lily, but helpfully, there is Dog! If Dog is here, that's definitely Lily up ahead. She places a finger to her mouth, not seeing why Dog wouldn't understand and/or care about that gesture to stay silent. It only really matters in so much as if no attention is drawn to her, she'll wait a moment before her approach so as not to interrupt a good pillar-punching exercise, otherwise she'll just shrug and go right on ahead immediately.
"Looks like you're having fun!" is her first remark, grinning brightly. "I didn't know you liked to smash rocks with your hands too, I thought you'd just blow them up!"
Xantia looks the same as always, just about a universal constant no matter what happens. Though her expression visibly changes when Lily turns around. She's easy to read as usual - the way she stares at Lily's eyepatch with surprise and concern makes it easy to deduce that she naively believed a wound like that was going to heal just fine.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
It is unusual for Lily to stay in the same place quite that long, not even leaving for anything--but then, in theory she did need to recover, and there were a lot of tasks requiring her intervention... But the truth is she's getting ready to start moving again anyway, and this is part of that. So here she is.
When Xantia comes up, Dog looks up brightly at her, recognizing her even before she sees on account of smells. Her tail wags lightly and she barks once--not harshly, just enough that Lily strikes again and then--stops.
She turns towards Xantia at that, looking her over for a moment, and she sure spots the change in Xantia's expression--it's hard not to. A moment passes, and Lily lets out a breath, the ice on her hands fading into cold air and then nothingness. ...Her knuckles are still a little rough from all that though.
"Training," she explains. "I won't have the luxury of range all the time, and ice is my weakest element." She pauses, relents slightly, shakes her head.
"Don't worry. I'm fine. Here, if you grab my bag I've got some spare rations in it. What brings you out?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Don't worry Dog, you're just doing your job, no hard feelings. ...Probably no feelings at all, going by what Xantia said before. Nothing personal, at any rate.
Lily says that she's fine. Xantia looks unconvinced. This too is familiar. Xantia is generally so easy to convince of things, but the claim 'I'm fine' in particular never seems to do it. She might be wise to that one. After all, she's guilty of saying that instead of 'Something's bothering me, but I don't want to bother you', herself.
"...Training, huh?" Xantia's feelings on the ice element are known, but now she's thinking about it. It'd be a different kind of training if she did it, trying to get more used to the cold. Not that she even wants to do ice herself, or is looking to volunteer to have her hands encased in it any time soon. But, a thought for the future, perhaps. She's focusing on something else right now, after all.
"I need to do more of that myself, but with fire. I still haven't got it figured out." She's not used to needing to actually learn things. Everything else she can do just sort of... happened.
It remains obvious that she's still a little out of sorts from the fact that she doesn't immediately go for the food. Instead, she makes a very unusual offer, reaching into her cloak's inner pocket to retrieve an elongated tin. "How about a trade? You really need to try these." Opening the tin - decorated with the sigils of the Guardians of the four primary elements - frees the pleasantly sweet scent of home-baked cookies, plain-looking but extremely flavorful. Xantia holds it out expectantly, a lot more insistant than you'd ever expect her to be about giving away something that's good to eat.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily could help with endurance training, but Xantia probably wouldn't enjoy it much. ...In the meantime, Dog keeps up her guard duty as Xantia steps past, and Lily crosses her arms a moment as she looks her over. "Yeah, training. I've spent enough time resting. I need to make sure I have a counter for any given problem." Methodical, pre-planned; Lily is the type to prepare, after all, rather than just go with the flow alone.
"I can help you with that," Lily answers. "...We were planning to regardless, just got... sidetracked. Have you been taking the time to note how the differences feel? That's going to go a long way."
It's very clear that Xantia's out of sorts--Lily blinks in some surprise at the trade. She looks at it, it's a nice tin, and... "All right," Lily agrees, reaching out to accept one from the tin, "Thank you." She takes a bite, since, well, that's what you do when you're offered food, and--
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
--the cookie explodes!!!
Okay, not really. But you might call it a flavor explosion. Though the light brown dough overall tastes as sweet as it smells, there's also a subtle spicy taste to the crunchy treat that's difficult to identify. Probably a very specific mixture of some kind, a mixture that just... works. Whoever made this really knows their cookies.
Meanwhile, Xantia nods to the wise suggestion of having a counter for any given problem. "Makes sense! Punching does counter pretty much every problem." Aaaand she's managed to draw entirely the wrong meaning from what was said again. Is it even a surprise at this point?
She looks a little sheepish about the matter of sidetracking however, because, "I, um... I guess I also got kind of sidetracked. I haven't been practicing the fire thing much, I've just been, you know... doing what works." It's kind of demoralizing to keep doing a thing that doesn't work right, and you can't quite figure out why that is. In truth, she's been pretty much waiting until she could pick up training with Lily again. This is that 'not wanting to be a bother' side of her rearing its head, she wasn't about to bring it up when Lily's still recovering.
Which leads to the obvious convenient subject change, "What do you think? Best cookie, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily finds it surprising, the cookie; the subtle spice to it isn't what she'd expect, and she chews on it for a moment, thoughtful. Even cookies are serious for Lily, after all. But while she does, of course--
"I'm also trying to maximize how long I can keep up the ice." ...If Xantia looks, now, Lily's hands are kind of red--they are in fact very cold, as fits someone who's just had ice on them fairly well. She stretches out the fingers on her spare hand.
It's not really a surprise no.
"That's not unreasonable," Lily answers. "In a dangerous situation, you want something you can rely on, not to be figuring out why it isn't working. ...It's another reason to have a weapon with you."
Well, for her.
But--the question, "Yeah, it's very good. Where'd you get them?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia closes up the cookie tin in the mean time, returning it to the pocket it came from. She didn't even take a cookie herself, what is going on?!
"Huuuh. I never really thought about that before." Because she's never run into the issue of her lightning cutting out at an inconvenient time. If she knew anything much about how Ether actually works, she might find that surprising. Instead, she only notices the simple things, like Lily's hands. Looking at those is enough to make her own hands feel cold, prompting her to rub them together subconsciously. "Is that why you're not warming up your hands?" Having fire but not using it when you're cold, that's just weird.
Xantia perks up on the notion of having a weapon as backup, and pumps her right arm into the air, briefly manifesting that red energy blade from her bangle. "Good thing I'm never without one of those!"
Ultimately though, of course the cookies are the subject that matters most to her. She's clearly enthusiastic about those. "Hehehe... you won't find cookies that good in any shop! These, you can only get from one person in the Baskar Colony, my grandma!" She pauses. Scratches her head. Looks pensive a moment. "...I never told you about my grandma and grandpa, did I?" What a thing to somehow never come up.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
"...You learn caution on the war front." Of course, Lily's magic also cut out previously--and Xantia has already voiced what 'could' be a problem before. So maybe there are reasons to be careful. Regardless, sometimes the simple things are important--and Lily inclines her head. "That's right. But this is about as much as is reasonable without injury..."
Lily's markings shift red-orange, and a gentle warmth starts to suffuse her hands; this close, Xantia can feel it too, toasty but not searing, gentle heat. It sticks around for a time.
"Yes, good thing." She eyes that bangle for a moment. Just a moment though.
"Your--" Lily looks surprised for an instant, looks over Xantia's face again. "...Made by a grandmother... They say that's the best for any sweets." Lily pauses, and answers quietly, "No, you didn't. Would you like to?"
Lily gestures nearby, to a bench she rigged up earlier, and moves to take a seat.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's far more likely for Xantia to think about matters of caution in regards to Lily than she would herself. Right now she's failed to connect the dots on how important training like this could be for Lily's overall well-being, or she'd probably be encouraging it more.
Instead she just... reflexively extends her hands when she feels that warmth, to warm her own hands a bit. She's not even close to anything she'd term cold, but sources of heat are just... hard to resist. She does feel a little silly for it when she realizes it, awkwardly retracting her hands soon after.
The subject of her grandparents, yeah... that probably is something she should explain. Xantia nods quietly, following Lily's lead in taking a seat on the nearby bench. "You've probably guessed, but I'm not really their grandchild, that's just... what I call them." There's probably reasons why she's calling them that in particular - age may be inferred, for one thing - but that's all she explains about that directly. The reason why, that feels a bit more pertinent to talk about.
"Grandpa-- Jolen Crann is his name, he's the one who found me collapsed in the Aveh desert. I woke up in his home, his face is the first thing I can remember." Which explains the obvious fondness in her voice as she rattles on, "He's a shaman, and he's really big and strong! I wanted to see if I can beat him but he says he doesn't fight, that's a shame. He and grandma-- Martha, they took care of me for a while. Grandma can't walk on her own, but she still manages to make cookies, isn't that amazing? If I had to do that... well, I'd probably just eat the ingredients before they ever turned into cookies."
At least she's self-aware. Though if allowed, she might go on for a while like this, getting sidetracked every other sentence. Perhaps bringing some focus into things is a good idea.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily gets an expression that's like the ghost of a smile when Xantia tries to warm herself against the aura of heat--it appears at least that she doesn't mind. ...Lily herself can see enough of why it might be important to do what she's doing, though. So the explanation...
Lily sits such that Xantia is on her good side, watching her and listening. She nods along; grandparents or not, Xantia calls them that, and that's good enough. In the meantime, though... This is new. This is clear, really.
"I imagine you would at that," Lily admits about the ingredients. "They can still be your grandparents if you only met them that way; I was adopted, myself. ...And my mother can't walk, either. She was injured on a mission; she didn't get treatment in time to save her legs."
A pause. "So, were you found by the Baskar, then? ...I admit, I'm glad to know that you have some kind of... connection, that way, even if it's only since you woke up. I think it's good for you. And it shouldn't be discounted."
"Did they tell you anything about your condition, when you were found? ...Is there anything else you want to mention about them?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia nods a bit when Lily jumps in with some timely commentary, her earlier enthusiasm curbed before it gets too out of hand. More serious matters come up, which... Xantia doesn't understand quite as well. She honestly admits, "I don't... really know what 'family' is supposed to be, but Fei said that it looks like me, grandpa and grandma are family." So there's at least one person who's already met them. Of course that person would be Fei.
Lily's story has enough similarity for Xantia to get a little excited again, in spite of the tragic nature of this similarity. "Grandma was attacked by a monster, and grandpa saved her life! And I thought grandpa didn't fight, he totally did that time! When I asked about that, he just told me he made an exception. Why won't he make an exception for me?" She's actually pouting about this. Well, at least she's not in any danger of getting depressed over this unfortunate event.
She nods a few times when she's asked another question, confirming, "I actually know a lot of people in the Baskar Colony. ...a little bit. I kind of didn't stay very long after I felt good enough to leave. I feel bad about it now, but... at the time I just didn't feel anything was important except getting my memories back." Still priority 1 to her even now, make no mistake, but... she's since come to understand that there's value in making new memories, as well. And that she hurt people by leaving so suddenly. "I hope I've managed to make up for it a little..."
And then Lily asks a question which should be simple to answer. Should be... but when Xantia opens her mouth to answer, she slowly closes it again, looking increasingly puzzled as she thinks back. Her condition when she was found... "...I don't think I ever asked about that." Feels kind of like a huge oversight now that she thinks about it...
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
"You could be," Lily says. "Family... it's complicated. But they're people who take care of you. That's how it's supposed to be, at least. Not everyone is lucky on that front." Of course Fei's met them--and in this, Lily is willing to guess he might be right. Still--
"It's good that he was there." A beat, "I think I like your grandpa already. Who knows?" she asks about exceptions, though it's.. fun, to see the way Xantia talks about them. But this--
"Hmm," Lily says thoughtfully. "...I see. You've learned, since. I think the fact that you went back might go a long way. ...I can't imagine they don't understand, to a degree--you're not exactly a closed book."
A little blunt, but not mean, right?
As Xantia looks confused though, Lily sets her single golden eye to looking her over thoughtfully. "Hm. Well, consider it something to ask when you go back again. You're lucky--you have people who care about you, even though they don't have to. ...Remember that, while we're off doing what we need to. Now's a better time than any to think about that, while we're still gathering what we need."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Family IS complicated. Too complicated for Xantia to wrap her head around. It seems like everybody has their own idea about what it means. Things that don't have a single simple definition that always applies, those are things that she struggles with most. Which is the reason why she falls oddly quiet. Even her emotions don't give much of a clue of what she's feeling in that moment, lost in a sudden jumble as she tries and fails to determine what the 'correct' way to feel about this would be.
It's a moment that passes quickly, Xantia is soon drawn back into a genuine smile upon Lily's suggestion that she might like her grandpa. "I'm sure you will! He's usually all quiet and super serious, but you can ask him anything and he'll always have good advice." Can't blame her for thinking that might be somebody Lily could get along with, right? She might in fact describe Lily in that exact same way.
Not being a closed book prompts that familiar cant of the head that makes it clear that Xantia is vaguely aware of having missed something. The comparison of herself with a book isn't parsing. Still struggling with figurative speech at times. At least this way it's pretty assured that she won't think it's mean.
Regardless, the part that follows sums things up nicely, and she nods eagerly. "Don't worry, I won't forget. I won't forget anything ever again."
And then, out of the blue, she asks, "Lily... is your eye ever going to get better?" Just from the downcast manner of asking, it's fairly clear that she has her suspicions about the answer to that question.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily can't blame Xantia--truthfully, she isn't sure how she feels about family these days, how she feels about her family or the concept or... any of it. She still hasn't gotten those answers for herself. ...Anyone might find it difficult.
At least the matter of Xantia's grandpa is something to think on--and Lily lifts a black eyebrow as she hears Xantia's description. Familiar, is it? "That does sound like a sensible kind of man," she agrees with a nod, leaving the matter alone with some pleasantness. And--
Ah. Should she explain...?
'I won't forget anything ever again' is strangely... not comforting, though. Lily pauses, lips pursed, as if she might say something--but instead of whatever it would have been, Xantia's question brings a matter more pressing, a matter sensitive enough--she can tell just from that manner of asking alone...
"No," Lily answers, with a shake of her head. "I don't think it will. I heal from most injuries, but I've never... This is something more severe; it's not a broken bone, a burn, or even a laceration. The eye is delicate; once severed, the optic nerve can't be repaired through conventional means."
"...And I haven't been able to heal it magically. I can't seem to make magical healing work at all right now, though I still recover more quickly than most from wounds. ...Except for the eye itself..."
Lily glances away, to Dog, "The wound around it isn't even going to scar."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
She won't, though. Forget anything ever again, that is. It's a vow Xantia made to herself, which she fully intends to keep. And to be fair, she does seem to notice an awful lot, and tends to remember anything she paid attention to in minute detail, like she's going for some kind of amnesiac irony award. But it really only just makes sense to her. There's no way less memories could ever be better than more memories.
However, that, nor any other previous subject, is no longer remarked upon after she shifts the subject to Lily's injury. She's been worried about that this entire time. Although she feared the answer, she still had to ask. Looking away from the truth, that's another thing she's vowed never to do. She hears Lily out completely, before saying softly, "I thought so..."
And then in an instant, taking Lily's hands into her own, lowering her head and almost shouting, "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault!" Wait, what?
Xantia raises her head again to look Lily in the... eye, just making her feel all the worse about this. She explains her reasoning simply at first: "If it wasn't for me... if it wasn't for me, you never would've needed to get so close!" That's what it looked like from her perspective. She was right up in Sin's face, and Lily came right up there to help her. She even actively called Lily over - with the best intentions, to benefit from her Medium's power, but... she didn't think about any possible consequences. And now...
She releases Lily's hands at this point, raising one if it looks like Lily might interject. She has more to say. "It's not fair, why should you be the one to get hurt? I can't just leave it like that, we have to do something about this!" There's barely a moment's pause before she arrives at the conclusion: "Id. You have to see Id. He managed to heal my serious wound. I didn't see him do it, but he's the only one who could have. Ask him. Please. I don't know if I can fix this, but I'm sure he can!"
She's getting more agitated by the second. It just... hurts too much, to think that she's responsible for something like this. She'll grasp at any straw to try and make it right.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
She notices more than most, Lily would say--it certainly was an adjustment to realize just how much Xantia sees. ...For someone who tends to keep secrets, that's more than notable enough. But--
What Lily is expecting and what happens differ. Lily's hand is warmer now; the magic has faded. Too surprised to take back her hand, Lily does not want to snatch it back with Xantia in this state. So it is that Xantia can feel the too-smooth lines of circuitry on the back of that hand, the outer parts of her fingers, skin and not quite skin both. ...And Lily, once she's over her surprise--it doesn't take long--looks right back at Xantia. She listens, and indeed--she starts to interject. But--
Xantia has more to say, so Lily waits. Her expression is difficult to read, but there's something soft in it--something tense, too. "...Xantia," she says finally. "I--" She pauses, rethinks her words. "Id, huh? ...Maybe. We'll see if I run into him. But... hold on."
"It isn't your fault," the sorceress says with authority, shaking her head. "I deliberately drew that monster's attention. Close, far--it wouldn't have mattered, the way it launched those creatures at us. I got off the ship to buy the Fereshte time, and to find Fei. That we found you, too, is more than I even asked for. So this..."
Lily shakes her head. "It's all right. Sometimes victory comes with a cost. For Fei's life, and yours... That's a price I'm willing to pay. I've done worse to many myself."
...As Lily speaks, Dog turns, looks with some worry at Xantia for a moment, before she resumes her guard duty. A soft whine is her only answer.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
A soft whine is the only thing Xantia has to immediately offer in response to Lily's words herself, lowering her head. She has no reason to believe Lily would lie about any of that. But even being told it isn't her fault... she just can't manage to feel much in the way of relief. It's still sad, and unfair, and just... something she feels she should've kept from happening, somehow.
But, in the end, she does seemingly accept what Lily is saying by means of a simple, "I... I see." She's not sure if she really does. Simply because, "I'm not... sure I could do that."
Looking back to Lily, she at least seems to have calmed down, as obvious as it is how rotten she still feels about all this. "How can you be so... okay with this? If it were me..."
She trails off, and takes a moment to think, really think, about how things would have gone if it were her. And she can't help but laugh, a short unamused chuckle at her own expense. "...I probably would've been just fine. Because, if it were me, I wouldn't have thought to protect you at all. All I think about is fighting the threat in front of me, I don't even pay attention to anything else." It's a bitter realization to arrive at, but looking back at all the fights she's been in... it feels painfully accurate.
"...You should still see Id though," she insists. "And... not mention me, if you don't have to. He'll probably hate me for telling you about that." Even in this moment, that's still a part of her concerns.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily retains the same stoic demeanor throughout; even after Xantia answers her, Lily just looks back to her, watches her. Her single remaining golden eye gazes over Xantia's face, looks to her eyes--
Oh, it's clear. But that's the question. Not whether Xantia could, or would, but--How can she be so okay with it? Lily is quiet at that; when Xantia really thinks about it, Lily hasn't started to interrupt yet. She waits; she doesn't laugh in turn, doesn't show judgement... doesn't react at all, just has that quiet, quiet look about her. Bitterness, maybe, but...
"You are who you are. We all have our roles to play in battle. ...With you focusing on offense, that's good; it can keep an enemy busy. And if not... It's fine--it doesn't have to be your job, to take care of everyone."
"How can I be okay with it, is that how you put it?" Lily asks, and shaeks her head, looking away, looking just over Xantia's shoulder and into nothing at all. "...I've never cared about being injured," she says with a shrug. "Ever since I was young. Learning to control fire... I can't tell you how many times I burned myself. Awful, horrible burns, that I can still smell if I even think about it, all over my hands, arms... The hands, the fingers were the worst of it. Not just fire, either. I'd erase chunks of flesh by mistake, snap bones sometimes... Or cut myself on ice. It's just part of life; you get used to it. You stop thinking about it. ...And until now, all of it healed anyway. What does it matter, being hurt, when it doesn't last? When it doesn't affect you? Pain isn't something I care about. ...No, it's something that can drive me. Can make me stronger."
"...So I'm used to it. And this...? I don't know how I'm 'okay' with it, as you put it. It just... doesn't mean anything to me. I performed my task. I can still fight, can still do the things I need to do. So what does it matter, what happens to me? I don't really care."
Lily turns her gaze to Xantia again. She doesn't smile. "Thank you, for worrying. ...But you don't have to. I'm not." She pauses. "...I'm sure I'll see Id again. I won't mention you. Maybe it can be fixed, maybe it can't..."
"It doesn't really matter. I've lost my country, my family... My friends once, and again and again each time I've faced Kislev forces. What's one more loss? It doesn't sting as much as any of the others. So really... It's fine."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Lily seems to be okay with a great many things that... don't seem okay to be so okay with, from Xantia's perspective. Generally speaking, she doesn't argue with that. It's probably fair enough - Xantia tends to attribute that to having memories of an amount of years that feels unfathomably long to her. Even five years is over twice as much as what she has to fall back on. It's easy to convince herself that she'd probably understand a lot more given that much more time.
Xantia readily accepts Lily's judgment that it may just be her role to play in battle to focus on the offense. She honestly doesn't know any other way to do things. As much as she might want to pay more attention to what goes on around her, she just knows that if it came down to it, in the heat of the moment she wouldn't think about anything like that at all. Maybe that's something that is more okay to be okay with than it feels right now.
"...If you say so. I do feel that... well, not everyone can fight. I can, fighting is what I do best. So it should be my job to fight, so others don't have to." She does care about protecting people, very much so. This is just the best way she knows how. It's hard to feel like she's doing a very good job at a time like this.
Lily's judgement on pain and injuries... Xantia can't claim that doesn't sound familiar. Not so much that pain drives her, but she's very guilty of ignoring pain and injuries more than most would consider wise. And much for the same reason. It's been part of her life as long as she can remember, even if that's a much shorter time. She tends to heal quickly as well, with very few exceptions.
But what if it didn't heal? Would she be this okay with it then? She can't answer that question right now. It's more easier to answer when it's not her. When it's someone else she cares about. When Lily claims to not care about it, that it doesn't matter... that's where the line is drawn, and Xantia intervenes.
By means of a sudden hug out of nowhere. Because of course it'd have to be hug.
"Don't say that! You can't just say that it doesn't matter, that's not... that's not something you can decide by yourself! I think it matters! Losing anything is... well, it's really sad! And so many sad things have happened already... that needs to stop, doesn't it? We should try to stop sad things from happening, or try to make them better whenever we can, shouldn't we?"
That hug might have stung a little. Xantia wasn't holding back as much as she probably should have, as much as she usually does just to make sure she doesn't break everything she touches. Thankfully she releases before the pressure gets any worse, to look Lily square in the eye and declare, "You matter to people, Lily. You matter to me. So... make sure you don't lose anything else, okay? Even if you won't be sad, others will. I will. And I'm not about to just be sad about things, I'm going make everything better that I can."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
There's that, at least--that it's possible to show it's fine. Lily would rather not see Xantia beat herself up for something unlikely to change. ...But she can hardly claim not to have done similar things herself. On the matter of fighting, Lily inclines her head. "I feel the same way," the ex-soldier answers. "I became a soldier to fight so that the people I left behind didn't have to. ...I became a medic to watch over those who make that choice."
Lily and Xantia do have commonality--more, really, than either of them realizes. It's not an exact match... But it exists. It's just that Lily, this time, is the one to face the idea of something that won't heal--and even then, can she be sure? Could Xantia repair her like she did Lydia, and would Lily want her to if it were possible? Thy're all difficult questions. But Lily's contemplation as she listens is interrupted--
Abrubtly she's hugged, and Lily's eye widens as she goes stiff in an instant. Dog turns from her guard duty to stare at the two and tilt her head for a moment, as Xantia suddenly starts answering--
It stings a little, with as strong as Xantia is, but Lily just said she doesn't care much about pain. The surprise is more of it, as she gets her faculties back and quiets, remaining still until Xantia releases, looks her in the eye--
Lily is silent for long moments--and then offers a sigh that might just sound fond. "...That's a very 'you' way to look at this," Lily tells her, shaking her head lightly. "I don't think we can stop sad things from happening altogether. ...But I know that won't stop you from trying."
"I appreciate what you're saying. ...And what you mean. I'll do what I can, all right? To be careful. ...I won't promise not to lose anything. But I'll promise that I'll make sure what I buy with such a loss will be worth it. ...And I won't tell you not to worry."
"I'll try to avoid giving you reasons to be sad, hm? ...That's why I'm training, now. You won't have to try it alone."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
A medic... Xantia has considered it. Never more strongly than right now. Aside from her apparent gift for 'repair', in very specific situations, she does have the ability to at the very least accelerate natural healing. She's just hesitant to try it on others, given a few... mishaps. Let alone attempt something that would be well beyond anything that could be called natural healing. And if she messed this up... well, that's last thing she needs right now, then it really would be completely her fault.
No, not now. Maybe one day, she'll realize the full potential that Id saw in her. For now, she only sees Id himself as a possible answer.
Xantia certainly hasn't taken conscious notice of many of the commonalities here. Where it comes to that, it usually needs to be very obvious before she'll realize it. Like 'we both use Ether, because I was literally told exactly that'. Of course, if she was actually trying to see commonalities, she'd probably end up seeing some that may not even be there, but feel very real to her. Which is better, really?
By the end of the hug, Xantia looks... kind of like she's ready to fight something, anything. That's just how she deals with problems. There's got to be something she can punch to make things better. This mood softens a bit when Lily tells her perhaps not everything she'd like to hear, but enough to make her feel better. Especially with the magic word 'promise' involved. That prompts the reply, "Okay, then I promise to do everything I can to make sure you won't have to lose anything to make good things happen!"
Xantia always needs to feel like she's actively helping in some way, that much is obvious. Just making a promise like that seems to work wonders for her general mood. "Not everything needs to have a price, you know. You can get a lot of good things for free. Like cookies!" Yeah, that's more like Xantia, all right. Especially once she brings up, "Heeey, that cookie was supposed to be a trade, right?"
Didn't think she'd forget did you? It's like she said. She's not about to forget anything ever again.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Even without her healing magic, Lily knows how to handle wounds, how to help people recover, and save lives that would otherwise be lost. ...Throwing magic into the mix can make things more complicated; when you can change things with your will, what happens when you will the wrong thing to happen? Maybe some forms of magic are more foolproof, but...
Maybe Xantia can learn. Maybe Lily can help. Maybe not.
Better, worse; what is is what is, Lily might say. Right?
Lily remains calm, but she can see the agitation, she wonders about a way to channel it. But at least it does seem to help--and Xantia makes her offer, which prompts a nod in return from Lily. "All right. Then we'll make it work."
She is not so optimistic--but will she turn down help, demoralize an ally, just because she tends to assume the worst? Not at all. She wouldn't be much of an officer if she didn't understand that. But--
"Heh. That's true. Sometimes you can get things without it being a trial. ...Though somebody does have to make them," she points out, sensible as ever. But of course Xantia remembers, and Lily looks almost amused at her. "It was... though these aren't exactly homemade cookies," she points out, standing up and crossing the distance towards her satchel, and pulls out a little bundle--which she offers over to Xantia. "Here you go. One Rolance style ration. There's some pork and hard bread in there. I've got some coffee too, such as it is, but I'd have to make it up."
It's... definitely not cookies.