2018-12-26: Another Me
- Log: Another Me
- Cast: Fei Fong Wong, Xantia
- Where: Silver Coast
- Date: December 26, 2018
- Summary: During the journey back to Ignas after the events in Elru, Xantia and Fei discuss the things that have changed, and the things that stayed the same.
==============================<* Silver Coast *>============================== The Silver Coast is the name given to the northeastern coastline of Ignas. The origins of the name are lost to history, but residents of the area tend to assume it reflects either the famous white-sand beaches northeast of Lacour, or the region's distance from the desertification slowly spreading out from the continent's heart. The Coast and its surrounding territories are claimed by the Kingdom of Lacour, and contain a wide assortment of biomes, from plains to rocky hills and mountains to rolling beaches. Major roads between Lacour and its next two largest settlements - the Port City of Hilton and the Academy City of Linga - are heavily patrolled by the kingdom's soldiers, and are generally safe. The hinterlands, however, are plagued by monsters of all types; researchers in Linga can find a variety of uses for the body parts of monsters, and do a brisk trade with Adventurers seeking to protect the population and make a little coin to boot. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYbFnoRSW6M
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei Fong Wong honestly just slept for a while. SNOOOZE. He eventually woke up and was keeping mostly to himself, though he did take some time to talk to Lily Keil. The various crew of the Kraken has generally done their best to avoid Fei for, uh, pretty understandable reasons and Fei has taken on a habit of taking his food back with him to his room.
Despite this honestly coming off as a pretty sad state to be in, Fei doesn't seem to be particularly depressed or apathetic, he's just kind of in this chill state and though his mood isn't great, it is pretty much the best it's been since the assault on the Photosphere started.
He hasn't really been avoiding folks, though, just sort of letting them be apart.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia probably had to be pried away from Fei after The Incident, just continuing to cling to him after Id transformed back, honestly just content to take a nap right there along with him. Since then, as was probably expected, she has remained hovering around Fei a good deal of the time. No real break from the typical there, although one can imagine that considering the circumstances, there was a good deal more concern involved than usual.
Even so, she's kept herself mostly in the background. Mainly just letting Fei know she's there with a smile and a wave if he happened to look in her direction. At most, she made a brief attempt at smalltalk, without broaching the obvious topic of conversation. Which is very unusual for her - you know she must be about to explode with the questions she has about everything that's come to light. And there was definitely a time where she would have just fired off the usual bombardment of questions without regard for the topic being as heavy as this one. Even requests to give Fei some time and let him rest would have probably only been obeyed for as long as it took for Fei to open his eyes, because that's what people do when they're done resting, right?
In time, she has learned to be a bit more considerate about that sort of thing. It's a bit ironic considering that Fei hasn't really sent out the kind of signs that would indicate that he wants to be left alone, and yet Xantia hasn't taken that as an okay to tackle him out of nowhere like she might normally do. Was there some kind of non-verbal miscommunication going on?
Of course it was only a matter of time before Xantia would just go and see what happens if she, say, snuck into his room around dinner time, knowing that Fei would be going back there to eat. Just to wait for him and see how he reacts. She's already done eating herself by that time of course. If she actually tries to eat fast, things get a little scary.
She has no real plans beyond that. Just sit on the bed, wait for Fei to come in, try to at least wait until he sees her before going "Hi!" so he won't accidentally drop his food. See how things go from there.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei is covered and blood and junk, Xantia probably wanted to at least let him be washed off. He could get infected! But after his long sleep he seemed to be fully healed up.
Fei has seemed hesitant to approach Xantia but he's never been unfriendly. He has smiled and waved at her back, exchanged mild niceties, but he always managed to find a way to step away and step back into solitude. He appreciates Xantia allowing him his time for self reflection. He has a lot to think about.
Fei opens the door to his room and sets down his tray on the counter. He looks over to Xantia who says 'Hi!' to him.
Fei approaches the bed and sits down next to her. He doesn't say 'Hi!' back for a bit. Instead he seems to be mulling over his words even so far as to mull over 'Hi!'.
"Thank you." He says instead.
That's...it?
"I'm sorry." He adds after. "I guess I wasn't the lead you were hoping for. Not really."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Eh, Xantia was covered in a whole lot of quicksilver herself, being a bit messy is no big deal! She probably never even thought about wounds or infections at all. That sort of thing is so rarely an issue for her, it's easy to slip her mind that that's a thing to worry about.
It's a lot more easy to notice behaviorial differences from the norm. That probably prompted Xantia to make no fuss about keeping things brief before. But it was certainly difficult to put her worries and questions aside. Probably not a huge surprise that she would eventually just show up like this in a place that Fei isn't as likely to walk away from.
She didn't really picture any kind of particular reaction. But when even acknowledging a greeting seems to be difficult, it's easy to tell that this worries her. Not even so much about Fei's condition, but that she might have done something wrong by coming here.
Then the words finally come, and they're... not what she expected. She blinks a few times, not immediately following what Fei's saying. That's been far from the front of her mind in all this. Finally, she shakes her head.
"I don't know. I guess it's... kind of hard to still think our pasts are related the way I thought. But that's fine."
That's... fine? There sure was a time when little shred of hope meant everything to her. Looks like that's changed. Placing her hands on the bed behind her, she looks up at the ceiling for a moment before she continues.
"We're still pretty alike, I think. And would it really matter that much if we weren't? You're you. I'm me. Even if we're not sure who we are, who we are is still important."
She turns her head to Fei. "...Right? Did that make sense?" She's trying, but she's obviously not someone who has many answers.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Considering what happened to Ida ... yeah lets wash off okay?
Fei raises his head in surprise at Xantia's own reaction. Certainly, he expected their friendship wouldn't have suffered purely because of Xantia's wish to uncover her memories might not have been as connected with him as they thought (if even at all) but it was still something Xantia had been chasing after--hell it was the start of their friendship, for it to no longer be something supporting them...well...he could understand if she were bummed, way more bummed than this at least.
"You stopped us from making a terrible mistake." Fei says. "We became just what Siegfried warned us about."
He closes his eyes for a moment. Just a few breaths time.
And then he gives Xantia a hug. "Do you really think we're alike?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia knows what personal hygiene is, she just didn't see anything that looked like a shower in the Photosphere, gosh!
Really if Xantia were thinking about it, she might be more surprised herself. This development just kind of snuck up on her. It may still be true that anything or anyone that might have to do with her past can feel meaningful enough to create an instant bond, but it's not like that has to be the sole reason for the bond to continue to exist. Not anymore. Not everything is about recovering her memories anymore. Yet in this case... it's strange just how much it feels like nothing has changed.
Well. Something obviously has. But that's a whole different can of worms, which in her mind has nothing to do with how she feels about Fei.
"I just did like I said I would," is her simple reply. Which is true for both Fei and Id. She promised Fei she would stop him if it looked like he was losing control. She promised Id she would fight him if he did something she couldn't agree with. Neither are things that required promises - it's what she would have done anyway. The scale of things never meant all that much to Xantia. If there's anything she can do for the people she cares about, she'll just do it, without even thinking about it.
She receives a hug, which she is more than glad to return. Thankfully it's not like the hug she gave Id at the end of the battle. Usually she remembers to hold back her strength where it comes to such things.
"Don't you?" Xantia questions in return, letting the question hang there for a moment before clarifying. "We still have a lot of things in common. Our fighting style, the whole... thing, with the Ether..." She doesn't exactly use it the same way, but it's clear enough that the same thing lies at the basis of it.
She pauses for some time before finally asking one of the many questions that has been on her mind: "Could you... hear everything? What we said to Id... and what he said to us?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"I'm honestly not sure I really know what 'I' am anymore. Maybe I never did." Fei admits. Honestly that's not dissimilar from things Xantia has said herself. "I think I wanted to avoid finding out the truth because some part of me suspected this would be the answer." He shook his head. "I've never been great at listening to my own advice."
"So," He says. "Even if I may not be as much help as we thought, I'd like to help you find your own past. It's important to you, and I think you're very brave to look for it. And maybe one day I'll be as brave as you are."
Maybe nothing really has changed so much as a path has been opened to walk. It's up to him to take those steps.
"He showed me," Fei says. "He wanted me to see it. But I couldn't stop him. When Siegfried died, I'm not sure I wanted to. I just wanted to give up... But then...you guys knocked some sense into me." He grins a bit. "Some of it literally. Still, he doesn't seem to care as much about hiding things from me anymore. He's probably why I had trouble remembering his name or maybe I was just subconciously trying to pretend he didn't exist. But he doesn't want to hide anymore. He is quiet now, but he can speak to me. Whenever he wants, really."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia looks down. Yeah... in hindsight, pushing Fei to put more effort into searching for his lost memories wasn't really doing him as much of a favor as it felt like at the time. It's certainly a harsh way to learn just what kind of answers could lie buried in the past. One might expect that this incident dampened her own motivation a bit.
"I'm sorry," she finally says, looking back to Fei. "I should've listened to you, let you do things the way you wanted. I just... I couldn't understand how you felt, how anyone could feel different about wanting to know their past."
She breathes deeply. "But... I still want to know. There's so many things about myself that I still can't make sense of, that'll never stop bothering me until I can." Nope, doesn't look like her motivation is dampened at all, or at least not by much. She smiles, faintly.
"I think you'll be plenty of help, just by being there. Even if I look brave, I don't think I can do this alone. I don't want to do it alone. No matter if what I find out is happy or sad... I think it'll be better to find out with friends."
Xantia listens with obvious interest when Fei proceeds to explain the relationship between him and Id further. She doesn't understand how it works exactly, but she already made it clear while fighting Id - to her, the most important thing is that they're not the same person. She doesn't need to know how this sort of thing of possible, nor does she find it hard to accept that it is. She definitely isn't about to treat either one of them differently because of this. There's just thing about all this that makes it awkward. It already kind of slips when Fei mentions he can speak to Id whenever he wants, and she remarks, "That must be nice."
She corrects herself shortly afterwards, "Sorry, I didn't mean..." She just can't finish the correction because she isn't sure what she did mean. Well, that's not really true either.
"I... there's something I really want to ask you, but... I'm not sure if I should ask, if it's okay to ask. I mean, I feel kind of weird about it, and I don't know how you'd take it, even though I don't mean anything by it, and it's just something I really want to know because, well, it's important to me, but..."
She trails off there, realizing that she's babbling, but not really sure how to say what she wants to say without... well, actually saying it. Considering this is Xantia, known to ask all questions that come to mind without hesitating, this must be a pretty big question. Maybe Fei can already guess what it is.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei laughs. "Well, if he liked me as much as he likes you, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but I think he resents me. He isn't always screaming, or trying to hurt me. But I think he looks down on me. And it's hard for me to like a guy who..."
He pauses for a moment before saying, "Well maybe it's something we can work on. I don't know. But the truth is, so long as we are like this...we are dangerous to the world around us. We're a threat, not just to my friends, but to everybody."
Fei shakes his head. "I don't know. We could have both negotiated it better. But I think until I find the truth, I will continue to hurt people around me. I have to find it out no matter how painful it is because until I understand who I am, how can I accept Id...or myself? I thought maybe if I never found out my true identity, I wouldn't have to face the consequences...but now I have to. One way or the other."
Xantia wants to ask something. Fei tilts his head in confusion.
"It's not usual for you to hesitate to ask a question." Fei smiles, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Whatcha wanna know, Xan?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia looks like she reflexively wants to object when Fei speaks of how dangerous they are, but... well, it's kind of hard to argue that Id is dangerous. It just doesn't matter to her as much as it arguably should. So she has to amend that statement a little before she makes it, to something that she can definitively state as what she believes is refutibly true.
"You're not dangerous to me."
She means that both in the sense that she can't think of them as dangerous... and the sense that she doesn't believe they pose a danger to her. While Id could undoubtedly kill her if he really wanted to, she's convinced that he won't. When in his right mind, anyway. Yes, he has one of those, at least she thinks so.
What Fei says about finding it hard to accept himself... her own situation is hardly the same, but that much she understands pretty well. "I guess it was hard for you to understand how I felt, too. Now you do... I just wish it didn't have to happen like that. You shouldn't have to feel forced. Although I guess, in a way, I do too." Having a choice, yet feeling like you have no choice, not really. It's come up quite a few times.
Fei being so nice and understanding about the question she wants to ask... actually makes it even harder to ask. Xantia can't manage to return Fei's smile, turning her head away even. It just... doesn't feel okay to ask a question like that of someone you value so much. But, she's going to have to anyway. After all, Fei isn't the only one she values.
"...Is it possible for you to... let me see him sometime?"
She turns her head back to Fei, clarifying, "I know, it's dangerous, but... I just, I don't think he should be all alone. Well, I guess he's never really alone, but, you know what I mean, it's still, he's still a person, and I..." She pauses, and looks down. "...I still want to see him."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei doesn't agree that he isn't dangerous to Xantia. Even if Id won't kill her, he certainly seems to excel in many forms of torment beyond just physical torment. Of course, you're always your own worst enemy. Maybe his talent there is more limited when it comes to Xantia.
Still, it's a nice sentiment, so he doesn't argue.
A choice that's not really a choice. You'd be surprised at how many choices are like that. But sometimes, choosing that non-choice is still a choice. Not always, but sometimes. He continues to smile at Xantia, clueless as to what she may want to ask. That probably doesn't make it any easier either.
But Xantia does choose to ask, and Fei's smile fades. He doesn't frown, but he does look pensive. He doesn't answer immediately. Maybe that's not a great sign. "You and Ruby both huh..." Fei murmurs.
"I don't know." He admits. "I don't know if I let him out if he'd let me go back to being me. I don't even know if I can let him out. It's not like I want him flying around hurting people."
He looks up. "But I can pass on messages at least. The rest, I think we'd have to see. I don't even know how he wants to go about things after all that and he is sleeping now. I can't hear him at all."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"I... see," Xantia responds, trying not to sound too disappointed. She knows that nobody is going to understand what she's asking here, least of all Fei. She barely understands it herself. Why would anybody even think to ask about letting the Demon of Elru loose on purpose?
"...Sorry, I know this is... weird, that I'm weird for asking that," she phrases it as an understatement. If only there was a way she could explain it. She gives it her best shot. "It's just... you're not the same person to me, and I care about both of you. I wish I could see you both at once, but, since I can't... I can't pretend that I'd be fine with never seeing Id again, just like I wouldn't be fine with never seeing you again. It would hurt either way."
She rubs both hands through her hair, messing it up further than it already was. "Ahhh, I'm not explaining very well, am I? Is this even something you can explain? How confusing does this have to be to you, when I'm already this confused?" She shakes her head. "Be honest with me, Fei. How stupid do you think it is that I'd even want this?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Maybe something can be worked out," Fei admits. "But for right now, right this minute, I want to let him sleep. He seemed to want that. He remembered something he had forgotten and maybe..." He trails off, uncertainly. "...He also lost someone very important to him. I did too. And we need to process that. Both of us. But especially him."
He places a hand on Xantia's shoulder, smiling at her. "You're not stupid, Xantia. I can't say I understand it entirely, but you're not the only one who cares about him. You weren't the only one hugging him in the end, isn't that right?" It's true, Ida was there as well and even past that, there were those who tried to reach him, or Fei himself, through other means. "I understand you don't want him to be lonely. I ... I don't want him to be lonely either. The heart wants what it wants.."
Fei shakes his head. "But if we aren't careful, then he'll do something that can't be fixed. And if that happens--if that happens again...it will be that much harder to save him, you know?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
When Fei claims she isn't stupid, Xantia pouts a bit. "I feel stupid." Of all the things to be petulant about. But when Fei explains further, she relents a little, amending, "Maybe we're all stupid." She's smiling a little when she says that though. It does feel less stupid when others feel the same way.
She moves a hand to her shoulder, resting it on Fei's hand. "I didn't mean right now, anyway, it's... good if he sleeps a bit, I think. You said you can pass on messages, so, when you can... I just want him to know that he has somewhere to come back to. That there's someone who wants him to come back. He made a mistake, but... everybody makes mistakes, right?" A mistake that almost ended the world, but you know, it's fine. Xantia's not judging.
She turns her serious expression on Fei, emphasizing, "And that goes for you, too. I know I talk about Id a lot, but he isn't right about everything. He isn't right about you. So don't think you don't matter, okay? You're important to people. You're important to me."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei nods once to Xantia. He doesn't say by 'passing on messages' he really means 'think at him and hoping he hears it and answers him' but it's hard for him to be really certain about the future of Id himself. Still, having some hope isn't so bad, especially since Id's own memories seem a little hazy too.
Can it even really be argued it was a 'mistake' at all? Possibly, if his memories are as fuddled as Fei's are. Nevertheless, he says, "I'll let him know. And if he comes back, I'll be counting on you to let him know yourself."
ntia reassures Fei and Fei laughs a little bit, cheeks pinkening faintly. "Well..." He says. "I gotta admit I've been worried about it now and then, so it's a relief to hear you say that, Xantia." Fei smiles. "Sometimes even if you know something, it's nice to hear it again. Thanks. If you ever find yourself with another you, I hope you can show them the same kindness."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei nods once to Xantia. He doesn't say by 'passing on messages' he really means 'think at him and hoping he hears it and answers him' but it's hard for him to be really certain about the future of Id himself. Still, having some hope isn't so bad, especially since Id's own memories seem a little hazy too.
Can it even really be argued it was a 'mistake' at all? Possibly, if his memories are as fuddled as Fei's are. Nevertheless, he says, "I'll let him know. And if he comes back, I'll be counting on you to let him know yourself."
Xantia reassures Fei and Fei laughs a little bit, cheeks pinkening faintly. "Well..." He says. "I gotta admit I've been worried about it now and then, so it's a relief to hear you say that, Xantia." Fei smiles. "Sometimes even if you know something, it's nice to hear it again. Thanks. If you ever find yourself with another you, I hope you can show them the same kindness."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia laughs. "Another me? I couldn't even imagine another me. Even the times when another me actually appeared, it was the same me again, just in a different outfit with better powers." The Umbral Mirror, the mirror in the Fereshte village... they were both like that. You'd think she'd have a better imagination about who she might be. It's ridiculous to the point that even Xantia herself has taken notice of that. Even though the truth is closer to the opposite - Xantia can think of so many possibilities that she can't settle on any one ideal image. The only clear picture she has is of her current self.
It was enough to make her laugh, but that quickly fades. "...Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. I know this is serious. And..." For a fleeting moment, she considers telling Fei about what happened back in the Photosphere. About blacking out and not acting like herself. But she shakes her head and smiles. "Never mind. This is just the way I am, so... even if that happened, I'm sure it'd work out, somehow." No need to burden Fei with those kinds of worries. Her positive outlook on the matter is perfectly genuine. Even if she can't see how just yet, she's certain that it's all going to turn out just fine.