2019-01-01: Hope That So Often Feels Denied
- Log: Hope That So Often Feels Denied
- Cast: Fei Fong Wong, Neriah Parringer
- Where: New Petra
- Date: January 01, 2019
- Summary: In the wake of the Photosphere battle, Fei receives a visit from Neriah, who picks up Yarobeleedt's Stare Roe toy. They have a lot to talk about....
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei has been moving around a lot since he was revealed to be Id. He's been to Adelhyde, gone on some to be defined vacations with Elly, and then made his way to New Petra where he's been spending time with the Tainted quietly and gradually repairing that trust which has been damaged. That trust, of course, might be more regarding Fei's trust in Fei. He has had his belief in himself shaken precarious as it was and he's not very happy about that even if, it seems, his friends do still believe in him, as quiet as that faith has become.
He is sitting on a porch, looking down at a Nisan cross held in his hands. He seems to be minding his own business, he isn't harassing anybody else in the village nor, for the moment, is he offering a hand to them. He seems to be thinking, pondering perhaps what he is to do in the future, what he is to do tommorow or even a few months from now.
Sitting next to Fei is a Stare Roe plush. How ominous.
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
So lost in thought is the man with the cross that he probably won't spot the small speck of white on the horizon, even when it disappears from view between one blink and the next.
And then there's a light click of heel on wood, and a sound to Fei's side.
*squeak*
"This belonged to Mr. Garbles, didn't it," the visitor says, her voice low, tinged with sadness, and familiar.
Did Neriah just stroll right up? Did she appear out of thin air? Either way, she's standing to one side of Fei, holding the plush in one hand and looking down at it with lashes lowered just a little. She left her ominous Valmarian robe and gown behind and settled for arched heels and a simple white sun dress - what passes for casual for her.
She smiles a little, but the expression is small and sad. "I'm glad somebody kept this. Yarobeleedt... people never took the time to see that he was so full of fear and love."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei tenses sharply and starts to stand but in an offensive martial arts stands, hands held forward---but he stops halfway through and sits back down. "He was killing people and he wouldn't stop." Fei says. "But it seems you cared for him." Is that true, what Neriah thinks of Yarobeleedt? He can't really say one way or another. He never had an easy time communicating with him and, frankly, even when he tried his hardest he rarely understood. He died fighting for a Mother who didn't care about him. He couldn't bear to ask what Mother herself had thought of that.
"I kept that in case someone came who cared for him. If you want it, Neriah, you can have it."
He doubts Neriah would be saying those things about Yarobeleedt just to get her hands on a Stare Roe plush doll after all. Or call him Mr. Garbles. He's not really sure what that's about.
"Neriah, I..." Fei begins.
He looks at the floor. "...You know, now, right? About that other me?"
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
"In fairness to him, if someone broke into my house and tried to kill my mom, I'd kill them and not stop too," Neriah points out. "And sure, Mother didn't care about any of them. But sometimes you get attached to the only life you know."
Turning the toy over in her hands, Neriah closes her eyes, breathing slowly out through her nose. If she's being at all dishonest here, she's not showing any sign of it. "Thank you, Fei. That was kind of you. I'm sure he would appreciate that."
> Neriah got Stare Roe Plush x1
She sets the plush down with one last incongruous squeak before moving back around in front of Fei, her hands clasping neatly behind her. The question hangs in the air a moment as she looks off towards the rest of New Petra. The old one stands out in her memories; she was there when the Demon of Elru rolled up. And now, here's Fei, sitting on a porch.
"It's hard to reconcile, isn't it?" she asks with a sympathetic softness in her voice, looking back to the martial artist with a faint smile. "But yes... yes, I know now. And you're having a hard time with it, I bet."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"It wasn't us he was killing." Fei says. "He was killing the Tainted of the Gutter, other metal demons..." He doesn't stop her from taking the plush though.
It's hard to reconcile, Neriah is saying, and she's not wrong in the slightest. Fei shrinks, his arms pushing up as he stares down at the floor. Since that mysterious boy's visit, he's been able to hear him again. He woke up. He had a long nap, but he remembers what he said he did to Neriah. He remembers seeing it, his own hands reaching out and--
"Neriah, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for hurting you." His hands grip tightly along his legs as if he doesn't know what they'll do if he lets go. Fly away, maybe.
"I know...the gist of what he said." Fei adds. "But... we don't have to...we can fight it. Or maybe we can't. But we should try, right?"
His fingers dig in.
"They miss you. I know we weren't the closest but."
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
"The Tainted." Neriah presses her lips together.
There were more than a dozen Valmar cultists rampaging through the Photosphere. But none of them made it into the Gutter. Either they saw nothing worth killing down there, or Neriah had told them to leave Riesenlied's people alone.
For a long moment, the dark-haired girl is silent, watching Fei with her lower lip caught lightly between her teeth. Her right hand comes up, long fingers curling at her chin. A hint of a blush rises to her cheeks, lingering there as the martial artist makes his appeal to her.
"I don't think that's possible anymore," she answers, finally. Her voice is quiet, a little bit deadened, as if she's not sure what emotion to put into it.
The quiet smile that rises to her face is just the slightest bit bitter, though. "I remember what things were like before the other you punched me in the face. When I was there at Wayside, I was doing everything I could to remain in control. I'd practiced as hard as I could - even trained with Rosaline and Millenia to try and stay in control. And you know what I realized?
"That I was still weak," she says, her eyelids lowering a shade. "And I always would be, if I'd kept going that way. And in a way, you showed me that. The other you, I mean. And honestly, at first I wanted to kill you. But then I kind of realized you'd opened my eyes to something I needed to see."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Millenia?" Fei asks, surprised.
Why would she...
"...Why would she be teaching you how to control yourself?" Fei asks. "Isn't she also..." He trails off, but shakes his head. Now isn't the time to wonder at Millenia's motivations. Millenia isn't here. And it might be a while before you get to see her again, Fei! Best to focus on the person who is out in front of you.
"Power huh...?" Fei says. "Yeah that's what it's usually about, isn't it..." He looks down. "...Power never made Id happy. It's never made me happy. All it's ever done is make me feel miserable, like...well you know how it's made me feel."
He sighs faintly. "...So I really am...responsible, then...?"
He doesn't look so much as if he's been stabbed in the heart so much as the strings holding him up have been cut.
"There's nothing wrong with being weak." He says.
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
Neriah opens her mouth to say something, but she cuts herself off. She's not sure Fei would want to hear it. She's not sure it wouldn't start an argument, either.
"Millenia's a little different than I am," is all she says at first, brushing back a curl. "I'll have to look her up again soon. Maybe take her out for a meal."
Millenia's been scarce, though. It's troubled Neriah a little. She needs Millenia more than ever, now.
When Fei muses on the nature of his own guilt, Neriah sighs and circles around behind his chair. "You're so tortured by it," she murmurs as she rests her hands on his shoulders, squeezing a little. It's as if she could rub some of the bad feelings out of him.
Long lashes briefly veil the darker violet-red of Neriah's eyes. Fei can feel the soft breath leaving her, a little sigh. "It's not even necessarily just power. It's control. You knew me before this. I used to lose control all the time. At least now, I can do things deliberately. If it helps, you gave me that.
"But the truth is... if you're wondering if you could've somehow saved me," Neriah says more slowly, her tone growing a touch distant. "I'm not sure anyone could have. Being this way is just... my inheritance, Fei. It might just be that it's my role in life to bring about the Day of Darkness."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei nods slowly. Truth be told, he's never met Millenia himself, but she clearly has a way with the Ids And Neriahs of the world. He can guess a bit as to her nature from that alone. Neriah is stating what her role is, the role of bringing about the Day of Darkness, and that sounds ... uh ... it sounds bad. It also sounds like something he doesn't really know about, but judging from what Neriah has done 'on accident', well, maybe she can make something like that happen.
And if she does, Fei thinks, it will once again be his fault. He doesn't stop Neriah from squeezing his shoulders. Seeing Neriah inside of her, seeing that person inside of her now, it feels more like she'es rubbing the bad feelings in, but he tries to relax, he tries because the last thing he wants to do is ruin Neriah's mood even further.
Her inheritance. That does feel very familiar. Perhaps Id is just something that was passed down onto him. And every time he loses, every time he gives in...he proves Neriah right.
"I'm going to try anyway." Fei says quietly. "You understand that...right?"
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
Neriah has some problems with Millenia. Those cuffed boots, for instance, are absolutely atrocious. But by and large....
Some things never fade. While Neriah's done her nails in a dark red shade, she can't escape the life she lived before now: The calluses that came with the life of a young excavator, rendering her touch a little less smooth than it could be. She doesn't seem to notice, though, just listening to Fei and feeling him as he sits there.
"I know," she says, her voice lower. "I admire that you have so much hope in you. But it's too late for me. When that happened...."
She trails off. When what happened? What'd she do?
"...What will you do now?" Neriah asks as she lifts her hands away from Fei and begins to move back around the chair. The light click of her heels taps against the flooring. "I didn't see what Riesenlied did to you... but you were able to come back. Does that mean there is no more Id?" The smile she offers is small, just a bit sad. "Or is he still in there? I can see why you'd rather remain the Fei that you are. You have a lot of people who love you...."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei says, "I don't believe in 'too late for me. Even now I don't believe in it."
He shakes his head, still looking at the ground. "I'm sorry, Neriah." He gets the feeling that Neriah is trying to make him feel better about it, but he doesn't want to feel better about it. He wants to fix it.
Maybe he can't fix it.
"Riesenlied used Laevantinn to take a small group of Drifters into our mindscape. I'm not sure, but i think they could have died in there." He looks up to Neriah. "He's still here. He's quiet right now, but I don't think...I don't think he can die like that."
He closes his eyes for a moment. "Neriah, they love you too. Maybe it's not expertly, but they do. Maybe Riesenlied can help you too."
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
"Leave it to Riese," Neriah sighs, brushing back a curl from her cheek with a little pass of her thumb. "Is there anything she can't do? I mean, other than treat someone badly; I don't think that's humanly possible."
In lieu of a chair for herself, Neriah moves to lean against a table. Her gaze returns to Fei, her expression quieting. When he does looks up, for a moment, her eyes meet his.
Hers weren't always that colour. They weren't even that colour on Lunar.
"But I wouldn't be able to help her," Neriah notes with a tilt of her head. "Or Jay. Or Skylr or you for that matter. And they're not the only ones."
Eyes falling, Neriah folds her arms tightly under her breasts, almost curling into herself. The note in her voice grows a little tighter, as if she were pinching back bitterness and not quite succeeding. "You know what'd happen even if Riese saved me somehow? Ethius would murder me. Or Loren would, or Ida or Matilda or the Church of Granas. Or the people of Azado would get ahold of me and crucify me, saying nothing of the people of Three Cucco Spring. You said Id's still in you, right?"
Looking up, Neriah hesitates a moment, then draws in a breath. Then - "Besides... I made a deal. When the other you hit me, the only thing that kept me alive was the power.
"And if I lost it now, I'm pretty sure I'd die."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Well Loren might be--" Fei begins, but he doesn't have an answer for Ethius or Ida or Matilda or the Church of Granas. And for at least two of those he doesn't want to destroy at all. "We'd protect you." He says instead.
But Neriah made a deal. And if she reneges on that deal, she will die. Probably. Fei's eyes widen sharply, and then he looks down again.
He sobs quietly, that's all he can do in this moment. It is his fault, isn't it? He did it. He killed hope once again.
Hope that so often feels denied
But hope nonetheless.
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
The way Fei reacts honestly surprises Neriah. The dark-haired girl's eyes widen a little, and she blinks once, twice, twice more.
They're stronger feelings than she expected from him. The mask between he and his other self truly may be another person altogether. The id's impulse leads the rest to regret.
"Fei," Neriah sighs as she steps forward. For a being of darkness, her touch is surprisingly gentle as she brushes her fingers over his face, holding him gently for a moment. Parting her lips, she begins to say something, but she can't find the words. Not right away. They all sound trite.
"You couldn't have done anything about it," she murmurs finally, resting a hand against the back of Fei's head and patting softly. "Don't blame yourself, Fei... it would've happened one way or the other. I'm the one to blame."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
It is like they are actually different people.
Neriah can say they are not to blame, but he feels like they are to blame. Neriah says there's nothing he could have done about it, and maybe she's right.
But this is also a person who is comforting him now. In a fatalistic way, perhaps, but it is still an act of kindness of sorts. Fei takes in a few deep breaths. Gradually, very gradually he is able to steady himself.
FEI PSYCHO ... DOWN?
He takes in one last heavy breath before he looks up again. "Neriah." He says. "We'll still look for a way."
Perhaps in a small way he has changed. He experienced the pain, he let it flow through him, and because he let that happen--he can properly react to it, he can think about what to do next.
"Even if you don't believe in it, we will believe for you."
<Pose Tracker> Neriah Parringer has posed.
Slowly, Neriah pulls her arms away from Fei when it seems he's beginning to come out of that low.
Reading her face is like reading a book that doesn't match its cover. What she's become is someone who's shown no compunctions about killing indiscriminately, not only on Lunar, but also butchering her way through Metal Demons to get to Riesenlied. But there's quiet worry in her face, a sadness that seems to weigh on her like a thousand-pound burden draped around her shoulders.
"I wish I had the kind of hope in me that you have, Fei," she says with a low sigh. "If I'd met people like you earlier, it might've been different." But the truth is clear enough.
YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ONE OF THESE LIVES
AND YOU HAVE MADE YOUR CHOICE
All too aware of the Impetus she's built herself on, Neriah begins to turn away. She pauses, though, to pick up the Stare Roe toy and turn it over in her hands.
"I'm going to do things I can never take back," she says quietly. "There'll be darkness by the time I'm finished. But I haven't forgotten how kind you are. And if it helps... darkness isn't always evil."
It would be easier if everyone had been like Ethius. The hardest part of being Neriah is raising her hand against people who genuinely care and seeing them come back with love.