2019-03-29: What Is Love
- Log: What Is Love
- Cast: Lily Keil, Xantia
- Where: Luca - Residential District
- Date: March 29, 2019
- Summary: In which Xantia asks Lily to explain a concept that's always eluded her. Contains no singing - sorry to disappoint.
======================<* Luca - Residential District *>======================= The people of Luca live in the center of the city, where massive seawalls and dykes have kept the weather at bay. There are markets here, but they are smaller and less bustling affairs; these are places for locals to shop at, with predictable goods. Many of the stores trade in the official merchandise of Blitzball teams. There are also cafes, restaurants, and other amenities those from beyond Spira might be used to. The environment is cosmopolitan. It is, however, dim -- not in cheer, but in lighting. Both stone structure and huge canopies cover the tops of the city, save for the Blitzball Stadium. This helps keep frequent rains from putting a damper on the city, and life here is as frantic as it can be elsewhere in Luca. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CIlRCYnZcg
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Luca is lively, bright, and warm, the sea breeze notable through the port and through much of the city... But back here, in a quieter part of the city, there's a little less of the sheer excitement elsewhere that the upcoming tournament engenders. Oh, it's still there--but the visitors aren't over here as much. ...Lily, after all, chose a more long-term option back here. It was easier and a bit cheaper, given that the rooms near the Stadium are in much, much higher demand.
Right now, this sees Lily down in the lobby of one of those inns, seated and writing in one of her notebooks, Dog curled up at her feet. There is a small table in front of her, a chair across from her; by now, the innkeeper does not look so nervous at her as often, perhaps because she's using more local currency. Her attire... Well, it still stands out. Her thick Filgaian-style clothes, the red jacket, the layers that suggest Al Bhed styles more than otherwise...
But, she has black hair. And she isn't obviously a heretic. So it's... fine?
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia, by contrast, hasn't had much trouble winning over the locals. Her infectuous level of cheer tends to help with that, as long as she isn't doing anything too weird. Her cover kind of happened automatically, a little something like this.
"That's some fancy armor, are you with the Crusaders?"
"What's a Crusader?"
"Ha ha ha, you're so funny miss Crusader!"
...So Xantia is with the Crusaders now, as far as most people are concerned. She was perfectly ready to go along with the suggestion that she probably shouldn't correct that viewpoint, if it helps her blend in.
In spite of her usual wanderlust, she hasn't actually sought to go very far beyond Luca just yet. She remembers well what happened last time she ended up on Lunar, she does not want to risk ending up lost all by herself for weeks again. And besides, she has plenty of other things on her mind right now.
One of those things sees her returning to the inn where Lily and Leon have their rooms. A different one from the one she ended up staying at. Rooms are in limited quantity, so it goes. And with how hectic things have been, this is the first time in a while that Xantia spots Lily taking it easy rather than in the middle of something. Thus, she approaches with her usual enthusiasm, raising a hand and waving in greeting.
"Lily, hi! ...oh, I mean..." She stops and corrects herself, instead performing the gesticulations that involve the common local prayer. "Praise be to Yevon." She then giggles to herself, since that's still a little weird. But hey, it makes the locals be really nice to you if you do it, so she's doing it, even if she doesn't really understand it very well.
Finishing her approach to the table, she proceeds to immediately ask about what's foremost on her mind. "How's Leon doing? Are things looking any better?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily has been a little more tight-lipped--she's done surprisingly well at getting along with others, or maybe surprisingly given that she isn't expected to be diplomatic... but most of that work has been with the Al Bhed in town and by the docks, rather than with the general Yevonite populace. She is a 'traveller', and many know by now--well, 'know'--that she is a White Mage whose primary concern is a patient she brought with her into town. She is mysterious...
And kind of intimidating.
But now, hearing Xantia walk in, Lily looks up from her notebook and nods her way in return--then... Ah, yes. The prayer.
"Hello, Xantia," Lily answers, though she doesn't return the gesture at the moment. Instead, she gestures towards the chair to encourage Xantia to sit down.
"He's more stable," Lily answers. "It's going to take some time, but things are going well. Just now, he's resting."
"...How about you? You seem to be doing well for yourself."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Even if Xantia has been among the general populace more, it's probably a safe assumption that she doesn't actually know a whole lot about the greater picture. She usually doesn't put too much effort in learning anything beyond whatever she wants or needs at the current moment in time. Investigation isn't her strong suit. Improvisation however... well, it's gotten her this far.
Xantia, who might not even know what 'intimidating' means, clearly wouldn't have had a problem approaching anybody like that, even if Lily hadn't been someone she's grown to feel very close to. She also might never have actually sat down, if the chair wasn't pointed out to her. That's just how she is.
With the encouragement, she seats herself readily, nodding her head at the affirmation that Leon seems to be on the mend. "That's good... it looked really bad for a while there."
Asked about herself, she smiles faintly. "Oh, you know... I manage somehow. The people are nice here, and the food is good." All Xantia really needs to get by. But for someone who's seen Xantia quite a bit, it's plain to see when things are weighing on her mind.
The most immediate thing being what happened with Leon. Placing her hands together on the table, she looks down at them for a moment before returning her gaze to Lily. "I'd never forgive myself if Leon didn't recover from what happened back there... I was supposed to keep him safe." Not something anybody asked her, just a role she'd assigned herself. Granted she'd only just come back from the climactic showdown against K.K. and Ragnell, but far be it from her to use not being in the best condition as an excuse.
Even more important however, is what she has to say next, leaning forward as she urges, "Lily, when we get back..." When, not if. "You can't fight that Vinsfeld guy. He... what he can do..."
There's an involuntary shudder as she remembers how that moment felt. "He cut off my Ether powers, somehow. Just... entirely. I couldn't feel anything, it's like it wasn't there anymore. I'm fine now, it came back after a while. But, if that happened to you..."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
That's how Xantia is. Her changing too much for no reason would be strange--it certainly wouldn't be the somewhat comforting familiarity of a friend showing up. ...Lily doesn't talk about that kind of soft feeling terribly often, but...
"Mm. He was given some care at the time, and my magic can go a long way. I think we're past the worst... but I'm not going to risk it, either."
Lily sets her pen down on the notebook. If Xantia looks, it's all strange script--Lily has long made a habit now of recording her thoughts in a language few others can read or speak. "The food is good," she agrees. ...Then, she waits; she can tell there's something, imagines Xantia will tell her when she finds her bearings... And...
Lily's expression is her usual unreadable, through the first part. What Xantia did, and didn't do; what she was supposed to do. What happened to Leon. Lily is quiet, still, except--
Except that her eyes widen slightly at the instruction--the request. What Xantia describes. "What...?"
Lily's lips purse, and she shakes her head. "...We don't have to think about what would have happened, because it didn't. There's no need to dwell on that--that'll overwhelm you, eventually." Does she sound tense? Yes, she does. She hasn't looked back at Xantia yet. Even the prospect of what she says, naturally--
"...If that happened to me," Lily says, "Then I would be a liability." Her voice is quiet, and some of that frustration--fear?--whatever it is comes through. "I know. ...But still..."
"She lets out a breath, straightens her shoulders, looks back to Xantia. "But what option do I have? With how he hurt Leon--I can't just... let him go by. Let him do as he wishes. Maybe there's a way to block the effect, or avoid it, maybe there isn't, but..."
The sheer discomfort in Lily is frankly unusual for her--it's not the kind of feeling she shows at all. The closest to what she's shown is--
...Well, when she was ill. When she was unable to use her magic at all.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Even if Lily's reaction is unusual for her, it doesn't stand out that way to Xantia. She could see herself reacting in much the same way. Right down to not agreeing to what's being said, not matter how much sense it makes. Just being told she can't fight something would make her want to fight it more, really. But, more than anything... she wouldn't want to be useless, in any situation where others would be fighting.
Even so, she has to point out, "It's not being a liability you should be worried about, Lily..." Xantia knows like few others how dangerous that would be to Lily's health. Obviously not a risk she would want someone she cares about to ever have to take. But, even so... she understands the response.
"...I know," is the simple response to Lily stating that she can't just let this pass. "I hope we can find a way to block it. I'd sure feel a lot better if we could." She never said anything about not fighting Vinsfeld again herself, of course. Not ever wanting to feel the way she felt back there again isn't going to keep her out of a fight. It's not like she doesn't have options, it won't keep her from punching things really hard.
Failing that... well, the most she can do is share what she knows, as little as it is. "The beams he fires from his sword. That's what you have to watch out for. One of them cut through my attack, and when it hit me..."
Xantia falls quiet, not feeling like she could adequately describe the sensation. How do you describe something that doesn't hurt, but completely takes away what you've come to rely on as a fundamental part of your being?
Trying her best to take her mind off of that, she raises one hand to make a fist, promising, "Well, I'll do my best to make sure you won't have to deal with it. He won't be so tough if we take his magic sword away!" Not that she knows that for sure. She's just being optimistic, as usual.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
They do have some things in common--more than a casual observer might expect, for sure.
Lily hears what Xantia says there--and realizes what she means, what the others would likely say about it, more or less immediately. It's not as if she didn't think of the danger to herself, naturally, but even so, "Mm. I know. It came back after a while, for you. But it might affect me in worse ways, even if it operated on the same timeframe. We don't know--we don't know what it really is, what he was doing..."
But Xantia does get it. To block it--that would be an improvement. But Xantia has more options than Lily in that situation; Lily has other skills, but how well will she be able to use them? It means she'll need to train more along those lines, at the least.
"...The beams." Lily nods, thoughtfully. She doesn't need a description of the sensation, though--she has felt it before. It's not something she could easily forget.
"...Yes," Lily agrees. "We can work with this. If we know his capabilities, we can attack where he's weaker. ...Worst case, I... can contribute some other way, but..."
Lily's jaw sets, and she shakes her head. "...I won't lose him, Xantia. I won't. No matter what."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia nods slowly when Lily makes it clear that the way she feels is understood. As long as that's the case, she won't press the issue. Feeling like you have to fight even though, to put it mildly, the conditions aren't particularly good for you, she's no stranger to that one.
It's only that last statement that gives her pause. Not wanting to lose the people close to her makes complete sense, obviously. But she can tell that this particular case is something different, something more. She can tell... but she doesn't feel like she can understand.
It takes some time before she speaks again. Her eyes wander, and her chin ends up resting on her hand - it's clear that she's abruptly become lost in thought for the moment. Knowing Xantia, it won't be long before she shares what it is.
Indeed, soon after, Xantia's head raises, and she leans back in her chair. "You know, back in that place in Elru, that Guardian Sanctuary... all I was thinking about was fighting K.K. They had to be stopped, nothing else mattered. I mean, of course, otherwise the world would end. But, now that it's over... I just don't understand what it was all for."
She leans forward again to explain further. "K.K., and Ragnell too... it didn't feel like they thought that they'd failed. It was like they expected this to happen. So why? Why do all this?"
It's not a question she expects an answer to. Certainly not an immediate one, as she doesn't leave much of an opening for that before continuing. "K.K. said they wanted to give me an answer I could understand. But they just said that this was their purpose." There's a flicker in Xantia's serious expression. The word 'purpose' hits a nerve, even when she speaks it herself. She still couldn't say for sure what her own purpose truly is.
Yet she continues, arriving at the true crux of the matter. "They also said that while I fight with hope... they fight with love." She doesn't leave much of a pause for the growing dread one might feel about what she's going to ask next, before she actually asks it straight out.
"Lily... what is love?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily's been on the opposite side of that kind of conversation more than once. ...But this? Yes, it is... different than some other situations. It's something that is familiar to Lily, certainly, but...
Lily is willing to remain quiet for a while; indeed, while Xantia thinks, she closes her notebook, setting the pen down on top of it instead, and waits. Lily remains fairly straight in her seat; she waits with some interest, but she waits. And then... Back in Elru, with the visions--
"Yeah?" Lily asks, prompting Xantia to keep going--and there, there's the explanation. Her golden eyes remain on Xantia, her expression thoughtful, as she recalls. What they thought they had to do; what they did, knowing the outcome may or may not work...
Well, it's possible there was a deeper plan, but...
"...I see." Lily does not know K.K. well; she does not know Ragnell well. ...Well, 'didn't', now, isn't it? The ex-soldier laces her fingers together on the table, looking down in thought. She does not look up, at the question. She doesn't dread it, precisely. It's a complicated feeling, because once, it was simple, and now...?
"First," Lily says, "...I can't account, for sure, for what they thought. If they felt that what they did was their purpose, then it makes sense that succeed or fail, they would be fulfilled. ...If they'd meant to succeed, but had already faced death, then they may have simply done so with their heads held high. Maybe there was a broader plan... Maybe they really did find that either they succeeded, or that their opponents would pass this last 'test'. There's too many maybes; I don't understand it all, myself."
"But... Love," Lily answers, and lifts her eyes, looking up at Xantia again. "That..."
"Love isn't just one thing. There's... many forms of it, and sometimes, it isn't what it seems. There's a lot of ideas... but generally, philosophers have proposed an idea of certain 'categories' of love. I won't go into depth, but... The idea is that there's the love of friends, the love of family, the love of one's nation... That each of them are important, but also distinct enough not to be well-understood when they're overly conflated."
"But all of that... is just academic background. It's something you can look into, to understand better, but it's not the answer I'm going to give you."
"To me... Love is when you're prepared to put someone before yourself. Love is willingness to act--it's willingness to sacrifice. It's finding them more important than just standing by. It's... active. It isn't only a 'feeling', as people say, but a process, something done over time, continued, built."
"It isn't important, understanding it, compared to doing it. For me..."
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for Leon. No one more important. After him, it's the Wolves. It... goes on."
Lily shakes her head, a little distant--maybe rueful. "There may be things I still don't know about myself--more than I thought, once. ...But that, I do know. Love, and hate both--those, I understand."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
That's a complicated question Xantia asked there. She should have expected it to have a complicated answer. She asked it with the same innocent curiosity she asks most of her questions with, but considering the lengthy preamble, she must realize that this isn't an easy one. At this point it better not be, she's been trying to figure this one out on her own for quite some time. It's one of those things where everybody seems to act like it's obvious, and yet she feels like she wouldn't know love if it kicked her in the face.
Lily's theories regarding K.K. and Ragnell are certainly more than Xantia was able to come up with, but she can only agree with a wordless, helpless shrug that there's just too many maybes there. It's so frustrating to think that K.K. might have been able to tell her if only she understood more. To her, nothing ever feels like it would've been particularly impossible to understand, simply because many things make it feel like she doesn't understand as much as most people do. That feeling like you're missing something obvious applies here as well.
And the key in this case appears to have been Love. Love of what, or whom? That question doesn't even matter if you fail to grasp the entire concept.
She's read things, works of fact as well as fiction - not that she could tell the difference - that involved love. But that at best eventually causes her to just shrug and move on, and at worst have much the same effect as that part of Lily's explanation is doing. Just kind of makes her go crosseyed at all the possibilities of what it could be, and the big words that tend to accompany such theorizing. It's a good thing that wasn't the whole explanation, Xantia's blank expression shows that part isn't helping much.
The actual answer, Lily's own answer... this causes her to fall back in thought for a moment. Trying to think back to if she'd ever had a similar experience, as far as she can remember. One thing is making that particularly difficult, the first thing she points out after shaking her head. "I think it'd be harder for me to stand by than be active, no matter what's going on."
Xantia isn't unaware of the way she behaves. She also doesn't see any reason to change her behavior.
With a sigh, she leans back, disappointed that it doesn't feel like she understands any better than before. Lily said that it wasn't important to understand it, but understanding that isn't any easier. "Without knowing how I can tell, I feel like I either love everybody I know... or nobody. But that can't be right. Can it? It doesn't feel right. People always make love feel like something super special." Hate is no different for her, regarding those she dislikes.
Lowering her gaze, she pauses a moment, before admitting, "If it's about willingness to sacrifice, though... maybe that really is how it is for me. The way Fei keeps jumping in front of people to protect them... I couldn't do that for him, or anyone else. Even if I feel like I really want to keep someone safe, I just... can't get myself to do anything like that." Which is a big reason for her commonly feeling like she's incapable of protecting people. That direct level of protecting someone, willingly sacrificing yourself to keep others safe... for some reason, she hasn't been able to do that even once, even at those times when she was in the perfect position to do so.
"Some hero I am, huh," she concluded with a wry smile.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
There's something to be said for knowing one's audience--Xantia's frustrations with missing the 'obvious', but also her impatience for overcomplicated explanations. Lily can see that blank look--and it doesn't bother her, really. Maybe Xantia will look more into that later, maybe not, but here, and now...
"That's good to realize," Lily says of Xantia's counterpoint. "It shows a certain understanding of yourself, despite your difficulties."
Lily straightens her shoulders again, and considers. Can it? Well...
Lily waits, this time, for Xantia to finish coming up with how she might think, or act. There's context, here, and Lily remains thoughtful. "Hmm..."
"Well," Lily says, "It is possible to have some amount of love for a broad number of people. Riesenlied has it--she doesn't have to know someone, to love them, to value them. But most of us don't have such expansive hearts, no."
"It's possible, too, that you care for people you know, but it isn't 'love', as we would understand it otherwise. But I think it's premature to conclude that, particularly since we know that your behavior is influenced by factors of which you're not consciously aware."
"...Sacrifice, though, is one of the main indicates to me. You can sacrifice for people you don't love, sure. ...Sometimes, the sacrifice that someone you love wants you to make isn't one you're willing to do. But maybe..."
"I think, there's one more truth that might help you. Love... Love helps you to be better than the person that you were before. It was like that, with me, and Leon. Before I met him... I was angry, and isolated, and suspicious of everyone." So, now?? "...But after, things were different--he didn't make me change, he didn't ask me to change... But his support led me to anyway."
"So, sacrifice is one way... But change, another. You aren't the sort of person who could sit by and do nothing, as a rule. Maybe you can identify love when it gives you a reason not to act. Or maybe you can consider--"
"...What made it so important to you, to keep what you had, instead of going for the memories you wanted? What was so important that you wouldn't lose us?"
"It seems to me that that could be considered a sacrifice, too."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia certainly isn't the most patient. Imagine how she must feel still not having an understanding of this omnipresent concept that, for many people, seems to be the most important thing in their lives. It's maddening, especially when the circumstances make it feel like it's important to her on a personal level, and not knowing is holding her back in some way.
Theorizing is one thing, but being compared to Riesenlied? Xantia resolutely shakes her head regarding that one. "I'm nothing like Riesenlied, I'm pretty sure about that. Anybody can fight the way I do. The way she fights is... special." She couldn't phrase it any better than that, but anybody who knows Riesenlied should know what she means. It's questionable how appropriate it is to make this comparison suddenly all about fighting, but... that's just what Xantia knows best.
She no longer interjects after that point, and it's plain to see why. It's the moment when it's brought up that her behavior may not be entirely up to her own conscious choice. Guilt is written all over her face, and she can't manage to keep looking Lily in the eyes after that point. She still isn't able to accept that there isn't anything she could have done to stop herself. But... it is true that being unable to take the actions she really wants to suddenly doesn't feel so strange, when she puts it in that context. Not that the realization makes her feel any better about it.
This doesn't keep her from paying attention to the rest of what's being said. "Change..." she softly repeats. Her kneejerk reaction, especially in this state of mind, is to conclude that she hasn't changed at all. But... that's not true, is it? Lily hit the nail on the head. With time, her priorities shifted away from seeking her past memories and valuing what she has now more and more. Given recent events, she may actually have reached the tipping point, where she's started to feel more strongly about the present than the past. "Huh..."
She turns back to Lily, abruptly a lot more like her usual self again. "When you put it that way, that's true, isn't it? I mean, I still want to know about my past, but... I feel like the most important thing is figuring out how I can stop myself from hurting anybody. Hurting all of you. I don't want that to happen again."
She frowns, and crosses her arms. "But is that really sacrifice, or even change? It doesn't feel like it. It just... makes sense. Nobody enjoys hurting people you care about."
That might be the real problem here. Xantia Logic. Her way of thinking simplifies so many things in life, causes so many things to make sense-- to her, at least. But it has its limits. Some things, things like Love, just cannot be simplified like that. It may be best to not even try. Attempts to do that tends to make her think back to past situations that might apply, causing her to realize things such as...
"Come to think of it, I think the first time I really felt like something changed was when I fought Id for the first time."
This... may not be a great line of thinking she's arrived at.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily is not always the gentlest person when it comes to sensitive issues--this has been true in the past, and it's sure true now. Lily doesn't really stop at the point she sees it, though--for her, it's better to keep going, and to make things plain. Maybe it's not easier, but...
But Lily would've argued that, if Xantia had said she hadn't changed at all.
"Mm," Lily answers first, when Xantia--like her usual self--seems to get what she says. But when she frowns, Lily laughs faintly, shakes her head. Simplifying--sometimes it helps, but sometimes--
"Every time we make a choice between two contradictory things, we make a sacrifice. If we can't have both, then we necessarily have to choose which is more important--and thus, which is less important. Anyone would want to avoid hurting people they care about, sure. But not everyone would put that desire over one they'd worked towards so hard."
"...But he's not a bad place to start, either. Fei, Id--" Lily speaks of Id and Fei both more quietly, naturally, so that others don't overhear--"They're both clearly important to you. The details may be harder to grasp... But that's true, isn't it? So that may be a place to start thinking."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Huh," is Xantia's plain initial reaction once again, having never really thought about how much sacrifice is involved with choice. Of course she wouldn't have, given the ease at which she generally makes up her mind. And if she likes multiple options, she'd more commonly seek a way to choose them all rather than even consider them mutually exclusive. That's certainly led to a number of interesting situations.
That approach is so natural to Xantia, she can't help but wonder aloud, "Have I ever made a choice where I felt like what I didn't pick was a sacrifice?" Her mind just goes straight to food on that one, and nope - she's pretty sure that if she couldn't decide between multiple meal choices, she'd just eat all of it, every time.
Either way, she's not even close to understanding what could possess anyone to put the well-being of innocent people over whatever personal desires they might have. That's been true even before she decided to actively pursue the Way of the Hero. She doesn't feel like she has to understand a villain to beat them up. It's when they stop behaving like an irredeemable villain that things become complicated.
That being the case, it's even more weird that Id was somehow different to her. He sure acted like the worst kind of villain during their first encounters. Yet that still didn't feel unnatural to her at the time. Even now, she nods readily. "Of course they are. I'm always happy to see them. And... I feel sad that I can't see them both at the same time." That's the hardest thing for Xantia to accept about that whole situation.
She falls quiet for a moment, before she smiles once again. "Thanks, Lily. This is all very difficult still, but I can feel better about it if it's supposed to be that way." She chuckles, realizing, "Maybe I shouldn't worry about it that much. I'm probably just going to keep doing what I would've done anyway, and figure things out if they happen to come up along the way."
Of course in the end, she's going to choose to put the most positive spin on 'I just muddle my way through life'. It's been working out well enough so far.