2019-04-04: An Ocean More Vast Than Any Other

• Log: An Ocean More Vast Than Any Other
• Cast: Xantia, Fei Fong Wong
• Where: Luca - Residential District
• Date: April 04, 2019
• Summary: Fei and Xantia have a chance to catch up, and discuss various pressing concerns on their minds. Then Xantia decides to experiment with her powers...

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======================<* Luca - Residential District *>=======================

The people of Luca live in the center of the city, where massive seawalls and dykes have kept the weather at bay. There are markets here, but they are smaller and less bustling affairs; these are places for locals to shop at, with predictable goods. Many of the stores trade in the official merchandise of Blitzball teams. There are also cafes, restaurants, and other amenities those from beyond Spira might be used to. The environment is cosmopolitan.

It is, however, dim -- not in cheer, but in lighting. Both stone structure and huge canopies cover the tops of the city, save for the Blitzball Stadium. This helps keep frequent rains from putting a damper on the city, and life here is as frantic as it can be elsewhere in Luca.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CIlRCYnZcg

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

"Alright, that's the last of them!"

With a quiet thud, Xantia sets down the large cargo crate she'd been carrying next to a market stall tended to by a fancily dressed dealer in exotic goods. Though he didn't actually help with the heavy lifting, there's plenty of sweat to wipe off his brow, likely caused by a mix of tension and being dressed in far too many layers of clothing for the sunny weather.

"Phew... you're a lifesaver, miss Crusader. I don't know what I would've done without you."

Xantia, having presumably helped with all four of the crates next to the stall, is all smiles as usual when she answers, "Probably wait until you could get the crane fixed!" That earns her a few chuckles from the onlookers, even though she probably wasn't trying to funny. "True enough," the merchant agrees, turning a small pouch over to the 'Crusader'. "For your services."

Xantia happily accepts, saying simply, "Thanks!" She stashes the pouch before executing a perfect approximation of the Yevonite prayer gestures. "Yevon be with you~"

Despite having little idea of what this whole Yevon thing is about or indeed what a Crusader is, Xantia is doing a pretty good job of single-handedly increasing their reputation. Carrying things, breaking up trouble, or just having friendly chats with people, Xantia is just being her usual self, embracing this case of mistaken identity mostly simply because it makes it easier to get along. Making some money along the way to spend on the local cuisine is a nice bonus.

This is next on the agenda, Xantia humming a happy tune to herself as she departs the stall, her mind already on the food that this money is going to turn into.

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Fei Fong Wong has not been helping the Crusaders with their reputation in the slightest. He has turned his efforts inward, largely, settling matters of his own mind...and of course reaching out to help Elly with her own wounds sustained from stopping K.K's dire plot. Not that...Fei really knows what they were trying to do, exactly, beyond maybe attempt to infect a Guardian with malevolence? For some reason? The why is very far afield from him. He has no idea why anybody would do such a thing.

But he does have to go into town sometimes to buy things like 'food, water, and clothes' so that is what he does. He has yet to do anything to disturb the culture of this place and has endeavoured to not particularly bother them beyond working for the basic neccessity. It is, ironically enough, a pretty monastic life all told. He hasn't even so much as touched a blitzball. Truthfully, there hasn't been much for him to do. He is not particularly interested in fighting the giant death whale.

Or joining the crusaders for that matter.

He HAS been looking for Emeralda but hasn't found her yet and isn't sure if she's even on this planet. He worries that she might be lonely by herself though despite her insistence of him to never disappear, she does seem to manage being on her own rather well. He just hopes she isn't too worried. They're okay, after all. And she should be okay too. Unless...um...the people here see her as a machina, but he imagines they'd think fiend first. ... That's not much better.

He ends up running into Xantia shortly after she gets her pay. Fei sets aside his worries for a moment and gives Xantia a big bright smile.

"Hey..." Fei says, waving a hand up towards his undercover sister. "It looks like you've been working hard. Been enjoying your 'vacation'?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia has not even once had an inkling of what K.K. was trying to accomplish all this time. It wouldn't have given her any pause if it wasn't for the change she noticed at the end. Giving her the sense that they were expecting to fail, maybe even wanted to. Which doesn't make it any easier to understand.

She couldn't think about it much at the time, because she went off to investigate the Sorcery Globe situation with Leon pretty much right after she got back. Even if she appears to have boundless energy most of the time, that must have been pushing it a little, but she said she was fine. She looked fine, really. Even after the battle and planetary transition that followed, she was in relatively good shape. Just following the usual pattern of somehow avoiding serious injury 95 percent of the time she does things that probably should have gotten her seriously injured.

Maybe the new armor will bump up that up to 98 percent. Does she even really need to wear that everywhere she goes now?

If Emeralda has been in the area, Xantia hasn't noticed, and may well have looked right past her, not at all having considered the possibility that if she sees a little girl with green hair, it might be Emeralda. If only she'd gotten to meet the girl beforehand. She's just had a lot that she felt she had to do since the Dazil Incident.

But now? Now she looks like she doesn't have a care in the world. She directs a smile in kind to Fei as well when she notices him, abandoning her planned course to bound over to her brother instead. "Feiiiii! Yeah, I think I am! This is how you vacation, isn't it? Am I doing it right?"

Well... it doesn't look like she's been breaking a sweat, at least. She does however frown, pointing out, "Hey, you didn't do it right." Pause. "Not the vacation, the greeting! They do this here, remember?" There's another prayer to Yevon from Xantia. From what she's seen, she just figures that's how people say hello around here.

That important business concluded, she does have to ask the obvious question, with obvious concern. "How's Elly doing?"

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

It is hard to keep a good Xan down.

Fei is probably intent on giving his sister a greeting level hug but is stopped short because Xantia starts....chastizing him! Fei blinks blankly in confusion as she explains what he is supposed to do. It takes him honestly a moment too long to get what Xantia is getting at.

"Oh! Oh right." Fei performs the most haphazard Yu Yevon prayer Xantia has ever seen.

He lowers his hands after. "You sure, uh, acclimated quickly. But I guess you've always been a quick learner about some things."

May be the first time someone has said that about Xantia not regarding ether use or fighting techniques but he does seem to mean it.

He smiles. "Judging by your smiles, I'd say you are doing a great job vacationing." Maybe he could learn a thing or two from her.

He is then, of course, asked about Elly. Fei's own smile flickers but...

"She is having a tough time." Fei admits. "But she is keeping to our training regimen and we ran into Riesenlied and Noeline, who is as sharp tongued as ever by the by. They had this white chocobo and Elly seemed to feel a bit better after that. I think Riesenlied might be joining us for physical therapy too."

"So what are the, um, Crusaders?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

You have to do things the right way at all times, it's important!! So important that Xantia forgets all about hugging. It's not every day she gets to be the teacher in any equation, but it seems that day is today. She might even be a vacationing teacher at this point?!

"Good! That's better!" That gesture of Fei's was basically nothing, but Xantia seems satisfied by the effort nonetheless. At least she's easy to please. Bring an apple to this teacher and your A+ is in the bag, guaranteed.

She only chuckles at it being pointed out how quickly she got used to things around here and how good she is at vacationing, looking pretty proud of herself. And wanting more validation apparently, since she proceeds to ask, "Are you proud of me?"

She has gotten quite a bit better at picking things up now that she has most of the fundamentals down. It's just best not to get used to it, so you won't be surprised when she utterly fails to understand something that should've been incredibly obvious somewhere down the line.

Really though, learning about Elly is what matters most to her in the end. Her expression goes from concerned to relieved after she hears that Riesenlied will be helping out. "That's good, I'm sure Riesenlied can help a lot with that kind of thing." Does she know what 'that kind of thing' even is? Regardless, she raises her hands, holding them in front of her as she flexes them a few times.

"...I don't know if there's anything I could do. Maybe there is. But I'm... kind of afraid to try." She means using her powers, of course. She understands their nature a bit better now. But it's pretty obvious she's afraid even without her saying so, it's written all over her face when she looks back to Fei. "I can... change things, in people's bodies. But if I don't know exactly what to do..." Those changes could be very, very bad.

Then she's asked what the Crusaders are, and she just shrugs. "Who knows?"

Really?!

"I guess they help people out, probably by fighting? They thought I was one because of what I'm wearing, so..."

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

"Every day," Fei promises. "But...yes, adaptation is a tough thing to pull off. I'm proud you've managed it." Even if Fei's own Yu Yevon prayer was pretty shit even he must acknowledge that it's better for him to pay the lip service than get dunked on by an inquisition or something. This doesn't stop him from giving Xantia a small hair ruffle with a hand. His fondness for Xantia is genuine and runs deep.

But he does have to get super cereal afterwards when the topic of Elly is stuck on. She cares for Elly a lot too, Fei thinks. They all do. It's honestly so familiar, and even a little frightening...though he is not quite sure why.

"Yeah, I think they really get along and are--and please avoid bringing this comparision up--birds of a feather." Oh because cuccos. and birds. and round birds. "I'm hoping it helps them beyond just recovery. I don't expect them to settle their problems with their fists or anything, but--it's self defense even so. I guess part of it is just making me feel like I'm doing something to help but...if we're lucky, they'll feel better and heal too."

Xantia mentions using her powers and Fei hesitates before shaking his head. "If you wanted to lead a class or something...But it seems you don't sound too confident in your powers just yet. And I mean...it's not as if there is a time limit, right? So for now--I think they could appreciate the chance to see how far they can go like this. But you're always welcome to join us. I know for sure being around friendly company will help them far more than forms or powers, don't you think?"

He smiles again and adds, "I'm...thank you for looking out for her. It means a lot to me, Xan."

Xantia admits she doesn't know what the Crusaders are. Fei is not that surprised.

"Huh." Fei says. "Well I'm sure they appreciate you helping out even if you aren't a member."

He considers Xantia's outfit.

Is...that what Crusaders wear? Does that mean he should...

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia lets out a pleased "mwee hee hee" at the praise and hairruffle, which... may be the first time she ever did that. She obviously knew what she was doing, and got what she wanted out of it. Something might have changed in her perspective, she's never really fished for compliments much. ...from Fei, at least. She made it pretty clear how much she cares about Id being impressed with her.

But it's not like she's suddenly gained a billion points in the 'figuring out the obvious' skill. That blank look says it all when Fei mentions not saying anything about being birds of a feather. It could be the expression being lost on her, or just not following why that would be a poor choice of words in Riesenlied's presence. At least the part that follows makes good enough sense, prompting a nod of her head. "It's better than just sitting there doing nothing!" She follows up that enthusiastic statement with a more subdued one. "I'm sure Elly appreciates it a lot."

Having to be idle, feeling useless... that sort of thing gets to Xantia in a big way. It's not hard to imagine Elly feeling much the same way she would. It's the whole reason why she's even bringing up the option - she's feeling pretty useless in this matter herself, even trying something dangerous would at least be doing something. It just wouldn't be a good idea, it doesn't take much convincing from Fei to get her to relent on that point. "I guess... It would be better if it's not necessary."

She blinks in confusion, then, wondering out loud, "Would it really help for me to be there if I'm not doing anything?" It's still weirdly difficult for her to grasp that just her presence could make any difference. Always has to be doing something that makes her feel like she's contributing. She's even more confused when she's thanked, to boot. "I... well, of course I try to look out for her. I just wish I could actually protect people, like you do..."

She leaves the Crusaders topic alone for now. That already makes all the sense it needs to, doesn't it?

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Oh no, Fei thinks upon seeing Xantia's expression. I have made a terrible mistake. But at least Xantia seems to get the gist of what's important here.

Honestly, after saving the world one...two...three times as of late? Well, Fei certainly doesn't feel useless, though he does feel a bit hapless. Sometimes it seems the winds of fate blow real hard and don't seem to have much care for where he ends up. Such as now. He wonders frequently how much longer he will have to battle for the sake of Filgaia. Will it be for the rest of his life? Longer? Forever? He doesn't like thinking about these things but it's become harder to just push aside those thoughts. Id has been silent since the encounter with the corrupted Raftina.

"Usually not so forward," Fei says to Xantia, which is about how much emphasis he puts on Xantia's changed behavior. He doesn't mind it, but he certainly noticed it. If a few months of recovery were all it took to live out a peaceful life, Fei would grudgingly accept it...but he's not so sure that's enough.

Fei hopes that he was clear that he is not interested in using Xantia's power to just fix up the problem easily because Xantia herself is uneasy about it. That leads him to being uneasy about it. If Xantia was wholly confident, he'd have to give it more thought. As it is, he lets that topic settle where it's at. "For now, at least." He says.

Xantia asks him a question though. Fei quirks his head to the left and adds, "Well, you wouldn't be doing nothing, exactly. I think Elly would just appreciate the company and sometimes being in a positive state of mind does half the work for you. I think you know that better than I do, right?"

But strangely, Xantia seems to believe that she hasn't been protecting people? Fei seems perplexed at the answer, now it is his turn for his expression to be puzzled.

"Um. don't you? Haven't you?" Fei asks. "I mean considering the number of times we tried to thrash our friends..." Fei exhales out a faint sigh. "Honestly I'd say you're already doing a better job than I am. And even then I think if it were not for you and Ida, Id may've had nothing to hold him back, really. You protected him, and everyone he wanted to hurt. That's how I see it."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia feels kind of the opposite. She thrives on going from crisis to crisis, it tends to be during the respites in which there's nothing that immediately needs fighting that she flounders, and starts feeling useless. She's said it before - she's not sure what place there would be for her in a peaceful world. There's nothing else quite like a fight with everything at stake that can make her feel like she's really making a difference.

For the time being, at least, she seems to be enjoying herself fine here. But how long will it last before those feelings start gnawing at her again?

"I'm always moving forward! Wouldn't make sense to go backward." And now she's saying things that could be explained multiple ways, and who knows how she meant it. Probably safest to assume the most literal possible meaning.

The fact that Xantia doesn't seek to press the issue of her power is proof enough that she didn't really want it to be considered an option to begin with. At least, not right now. Not while she considers the odds of messing up far greater than the odds of success. But the alternative is... weird, to her. You'd think that she'd realize the effect of a positive outlook, but the fact of the matter is...

"...I do?" Xantia questions and scratches her head. She never really thought about it. Being positive is just... what makes sense to her. She never considered that to have any kind of power. But she starts to get it when she thinks about a little more. "Oh, you mean like... making people smile when things are bad? I guess it's true that things seem a little easier when you can do that..." Deep thoughts.

To the point of protecting people, Xantia has trouble following Fei's point of view... and then he mentions Id. That was clearly a surprise. "I protected Id? Really?" She can't help but smile faintly at that realization. "That's... nice to hear. But, that isn't really what I meant."

She illustrates by suddenly hopping in front of Fei with her back to him, before speaking over her shoulder. "...Looks simple, right? Right now it's simple. But if, I don't know, someone was shooting at you? I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. There's always... something... that stops me from doing things like that."

In light of recent events, phrasing it like that probably calls to mind certain outside influences being a factor in this. Xantia has realized it herself, given the look in her eyes.

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Even vacationing for too long can make you antsy but Fei doubts there will be nothing to fight. He hopes she doesn't fight the giant death whale. That doesn't sound like a reasonable action from their one battle so far. Even Id seems fearful without his Gear. With it? Well, he's the guy who always says there are some things you can't beat with violence and power. Does Sin qualify? So far Fei has seen little else that qualifies more. Even Mother always felt... beatable though...she was beaten before wasn't she? Still, even if it's a matter of 'Calming' in both cases, Mother seems far easier to Calm right now than Sin.

"Yeah, like that." Fei tells Xantia. "When I've felt hopeless you pulled me out plenty of times. I know I don't always...advertise--express-- my feelings when I'm feeling like that so I can see why you might not've noticed. But you have. I don't think feeling positive does everything for you, and if you feel bad you should be allowed to feel bad too, of course, but sometimes shifting things to a positive outlook can help all on its own."

At first he seems relieved that he was able to help Xantia with her problem but it quickly becomes confusion once again when Xantia clarifies her position. Then understanding. Of course, he thinks, she means it literally.

God he's such a dumbass sometimes, Fei thinks to himself.

"I don't think I'd want you to," Fei admits. "And I don't think I do stuff like that for any good reason either. I'm just trying to spare myself some pain even though in all likelihood, it's not behavior anyone really needs from me."

He exhales out a faint sigh. "...But you're worried about your other you stopping you from making that kind of choice?" Fei looks up. "Is that it?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Of course, there's no way Xantia wouldn't run straight at the giant death whale if she saw it again. Then again, she did last time, one would think that surely she's learned her lesson. Surely. There's no reason why she would assume things will be different when she couldn't even scratch it last time. Well, unless she's learned new abilities since then. Or gained better understanding of her powers. Or got some new equipment.

Shoot, she's totally going to have to be held back from running straight at the giant death whale again, isn't she.

Xantia is better able to see Fei's point after being offered an example, nodding her head a few times. "Oh, ohhh, that's what you mean, I see. Of course I try my best to cheer you up when you look sad, but..." She thinks for a moment, then smiles and shrugs. "I don't know, I just like it better when you're happy." No complex motivations needed for Xantia. "If that's all I need to do, that's easy!"

Far easier than making what should be a simple decision in the heat of the moment. Something that some, like quite possibly Fei himself, simply do in an impulse. Yet it seems this may be different for Xantia.

"It's not like I want you to either," she grumbles a bit as she turns back around. "But you keep doing it anyway. And, it's not like I really want to get myself hurt either. But it should be a choice I can make. And it just... isn't."

She lets out a deep sigh, then pauses a moment, idly winding her hair around a finger. "...Maybe. I don't know. The thought just won't come to me at the time. And then later I think, but I really wanted to save them, and I could have, I was right there, why did I just stand there?"

She looks frustrated more than anything else. Even should this be caused by a will not her own, it still ultimately feels like a personal failure.

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

It's such an impulse one might think he is either desperate or it's just so ingrained into who Fei is that it happens before he even thinks about it. It's hard to say, but it doesn't seem to be a quality he thinks THAT highly of even if the results sometimes turned out okay. It could be seen as addictive as any drug. Sure, the initial results are great but sometimes...

"Heh," Fei says. "Me too. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't cry or shout when you feel like crying or shouting, alright? Sometimes that's the only way we know our friends need help."

Regardless, he clearly doesn't judge Xantia harshly for not jumping in the way of danger to protect others. That kind of self sacrifice doesn't come easy and that's for the best. After all, maybe your friend can deal with it. Or maybe it's better if everybody thinks more about how to avoid pain than how to take it for someone else in these sorts of encounters.

"Yeah." Fei admits. "But that doesn't mean it's a good habit of mine. But you're right. Sometimes it is the right thing to do and...you should be able to make that decision."

Honestly considering what he's seen Xantia SHRUG OFF, he's not sure it would really put Xantia in any extra danger.

Of course maybe it isn't her other self. Maybe Xantia just really likes fighting and doesn't think about the harm it can do until after the battle's over.

"It's not a question I can answer." Fei admits. "But if you ever find it, I'd like to hear it."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

As much as Xantia would like to have this choice herself, part of her wants to take that choice away from Fei. She could do without having to ever see him get impaled through the chest again. But, in a general sense, too...

"...It feels like I'm always the one who's okay in the end." It's not like she hasn't noticed. It's enough to start feeling a little guilty over. If she really can shrug off this much, why can't she use that to keep others from getting hurt? Leon is especially fresh in memory in that regard.

She casts her eyes skyward. "If I feel like this right now... I can't imagine how Id must feel." Everyone around you getting hurt is one thing. What if everyone around you dies? Even if she can't imagine it, doesn't want to imagine it, she does strongly sympathize.

She lowers her gaze back to Fei, expression almost blank as she asks a completely serious question in response to his words.

"How do you know when you feel like crying?"

Perhaps not a question anyone would expect to be asked. But, as she points out herself soon after, "I... don't remember ever crying. I've felt sad, and there were times many people around me cried. But not me. Why? Why don't I cry, Fei? That's not normal, is it?"

Though she's remained still and calm up to this point, there's a distinct rising level of distress in her tone of voice. She's really upset by this, more upset than she may have realized until it happened to come up just now. To the point where that worry is taking precedence, everything else ceased to matter for the moment, needing reassurance to be able to move past it.

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

She can't imagine how he must feel.

Normally around now, Id would throw in some sassy commentary, but he's been getting quieter and quieter, so quiet. Ever since encountering Raftina, it's like he's not even there. Surely, comments like this will get him to say anything. Fei reaches out, closing his eyes for a moment but...

...He still doesn't say anything. It's an empty feeling, like something is missing within him. He tries not to think about it too much right now. He has a hard time remembering exactly what happened at the end of that battle with K.K and Ragnell and that usually means he doesn't want to remember and, maybe, shouldn't.

What if everyone around you dies?

"I..." Fei says.

What if everyone around you dies, Fei?

"I don't..."

What if everyone around dies, Fei??

Fei squints his eyes tightly for several seconds. Maybe if everyone around him died he would want to kill off the rest of his bonds himself so he would never ever ever ever need to feel that way again?

But...he would. He would have to. So long as there's life on Filgaia, he might be able to find companionship in it.

But...

...Xantia hadn't actually said that question.

Why did you think it Fei? She hasn't asked you that question. Sure, it was implied, sure you got it, but she hasn't actually asked it.

Fei steps back a bit, turning his head. Turning his attention off Xantia helps focus his mind. He exhales out and says, "He must feel pretty shitty." He says. "He tried to spare Ruby from feeling that way, but his methods Xantia....Well, maybe I can't blame him but I can't agree with him. I just can't."

He manages to turn his head back onto Xantia. Whatever episode was there is gone now. He remembered something from someone stronger than him. He relies on her.

I'd want it to hurt-! I'd want it to hurt and hurt and hurt and I wouldn't want it to stop! I would never - WANT to get used to it!

"I'd want it to hurt." Fei says. "I wouldn't enjoy it. I wouldn't like it. But I wouldn't want it to stop hurting. And even if I get these memories back and I feel all the loss Id has, I would want to keep going. I wouldn't want to just give up even if it was super painful. I'd feel like I was letting you down, letting everyone who believed in me down. That's what I think."

But as strange as it is, that's the easier question. That's the question he was trained over and over for. The question that comes out of left field is about how he knows when he feels like crying? It's such a strange question but he can tell it's important to Xantia. He has no choice but to give an honest answer.

"Some people don't cry a lot." Fei says. "That doesn't mean their pain isn't real. They just process their grief differently. Me? I'm honestly kind of a crybaby. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying. I just do it." He smiles awkwardly. "I know you feel grief, Xantia. I've seen it in you. You don't have to show tears for it to be real. Even if there was some reason you couldn't cry, like there was some physiological reason for it...Feeling it is more important than showing it."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

What an odd reaction. Xantia couldn't possibly fail to notice something's wrong. That long period of hesitation, what seems like strained blinking. And then Fei phrasing it as 'he must feel'. Great Detective Xantia figures this mystery out pretty quickly. "...You can't hear him, can you?"

If she's upset by this - and taking everything into account, it's pretty likely - she isn't showing it. There's a lot going through her mind right now, it might take a moment to process. But she does nod her head at Fei's answer.

"I understand. I feel the same way. I want to support him, but I know I'm not always going to be able to do that. He knows that, too." You don't have to agree on everything to get along. As long as you have an Understanding. She lowers her head slightly, adding in a lower volume, "That's how it was with Ragnell, too." They had to be on opposite sides at the end, and that's... just how it was. Doesn't mean they couldn't still be friends.

Fei can see a good example of Xantia experiencing grief right now. But no tears. Never any tears.

The eventual conclusion that Fei draws, expressing the wish to bear the pain rather than bottling it up, or otherwise avoid it... that brings a warm smile back to Xantia's features. She can only agree with every word he just said. "You've gotten stronger, Fei. I'm proud of you."

You know what that means. Now it's Xantia's turn to give Fei a headpat. Is it weird to give headpats to someone who's almost a head taller than you? Xantia doesn't think so.

Given this, it's easier than it may have appeared to answer Xantia's question in a way that satisfies her. "Hmm, really? I thought everyone cried. Even Lily cries." Lily is apparently the ultimate example of someone she'd never expect to see crying. But she accepts the claim readily, concluding, "Okay, that's good then."

That's it? That's it.

But Xantia wouldn't be Xantia if she didn't move on from one strange beat to the next. In this instance, it comes after Xantia stares up into Fei's eyes quietly for a moment, before she suggests out of the blue, "Can I try to look for him?"

What does that even mean??

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

"Oh uh. No." Fei admits. "Something weird happened while we were pushing through those wards on the Anomalous Orb. He's been silent ever since."

It feels weird. Shouldn't he be happy about it? He doesn't really want to think too hard on this right now. It's still too fresh. He has to worry about Elly now, not himself.

"E-eh?" Fei says, cheeks pinkening when Xantia headpats him. It is honestly a little weirder when someone is taller than you, Xan. But he doesn't complain. "R-really?" He says, bashful. "Hiro'n'Ruby said the same thing... I hope I don't let you all down!" He has a long way to go, no doubt, but he has seemed stronger hasn't he? Thanks to words from Ruby, and--well--persistence if anything from Xantia.

"Well I've never seen Asgard cry." Fei points out. "Or a lot of Hyadeans come to think of it. Or the Guardians." MAYBE XANTIA IS A GUARDIAN.

Wait Xantia saw Lily cry? Maybe he better not push on that. It's Lily and Xantia's business. He does have to check in on Lily and it's not like it's totally unreasonable to imagine his friend crying so he has no reason to get super shocked by it.

"Well, I'm not an expert. I just do it, haha." Fei admits. "But hey, Xan." He says. "I've been wondering...why do you care so much about being normal? It's not just the crying thing... I don't know. Nevermind."

He shakes his head.

"Uh. Sure. Go ahead, if you want?" UNEASY FEELINGS.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

That... may be problematic. Xantia has no idea what exactly happened back there, or what the Anomalous Orb might have done that could have affected Id. Nothing worries her more than the unknown. That's why she's always trying to learn more. Whatever she learns couldn't possibly be worse than the uncertainty of not knowing.

She laughs, though, when Fei acts all embarassed at the compliment. "I'm sure you won't. When have you ever let me down?" That's not an invitation to go digging through your memory for times where you felt like you let her down, Fei. Even Xantia can ask rhetorical questions sometimes, even without knowing what they are.

Although, the examples Fei gives of those he's never seen cry might be letting Xantia down a little. Since, as she points out herself, "I... don't think any of those are anything like me." But who knows. There might be a Guardian of Punching. You can't prove there isn't one.

Yes, Lily has cried. It wasn't many tears, but Xantia saw them. Fei wouldn't have, he was passed out at the time, after the battle against the Beast of the Lost Land in Uzda Il-jam. It wasn't just Lily, that vision at the end made everyone cry. Except for Xantia.

Her answer to why she cares so much about being normal flows from the memory of that event. "Because, not being like everyone else... feels really lonely sometimes."

She's sure Id would understand. But where could he be? She has to know what happened. And since Fei agreed out of hand without asking for clarification... she just goes ahead and does what she planned to.

Abruptly, Xantia reaches up with both hands, clamps them down on the sides of Fei's head, and stares deeply into his eyes. Like she were trying to perform some sort of mind meld. But mind powers aren't, as far as anyone knows, part of her powerset, so that isn't it. What she's doing is even more unusual. After Dazil, she learned that she's capable of affecting the flow of Ether within other people. What she's attempting to do is to take partial control of Fei's Ether flow, as a method to try and feel out where Id might be.

Back then, that ability was much stronger, to the point where she was able to directly target Id using a backlash of Ether with pinpoint accuracy. She's not nearly as powerful or confident in this now, but perhaps there might be something that she can learn. Anything is better than nothing.

At least it doesn't hurt. Might feel a little weird though, to have someone effectively digging through your essence. Is this more or less disturbing than having someone directly read your mind...?

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

"...Yeah, I guess that's fair." Fei says to Xantia's answer. He feels lonely and there IS someone like him. In this, maybe she'd be better off talking to someone who really is one of a kind. He can't think of anything like that except, well, maybe Asgard if you get right down to it. He's never met anyone like him.

This really isn't all very important though because Xantia tries to directly control Fei's ether flow. Id, it should be noted, is not ether. He simply is a lot more adept at tapping into it than Fei is for unknown reasons. This other Xantia was able to disrupt Id's ability to influence it, to redirect it--but stealing it away? Taking control over it? Dive down into its depths? That's a different matter. It's like trying to hold an ocean in your hands.

"Eheh...this feels a little weird," Fei admits trying to stay calm.

Xantia finds her current seized up by Fei's. Even as she looks, she sees no land, she sees no Id, for all of Id's power, even for all his potential--he is not infinite actuality merely infinite potential. He is less than a dot in the sea of Fei's ether.

If.... If it IS Fei's ether. It shouldn't work like this. It shouldn't.

Soon it isn't just a matter of finding Id. It is a matter of not drowning in the sea, to not have her very being absorbed and consumed by the currents, the energies set before her.

But then--

--something grabs at her metaphorical leg and pulls her down. Deep down. Deep deep deeper.

And when her eyes open...

???

Xantia finds herself sitting in a wooden chair. An area is curtained off. There is no Fei present, but there is a cross sliding from side to side in the air. Xantia recognizes it as Fei's Nisan cross, the one he was wearing at the Photosphere.

Reality

"Xantia?" Fei asks--but she won't hear him. He jostles her a little. She does not feel it. He is too worried to remove her hands lest whatever is going on become unescapable.

Well this is a thing. The cross swings from overhead, swoosh swoosh.

If Xantia wishes to narrate she can but this definitely wasn't supposed to happen.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia wasn't entirely sure what she was expecting. As in many things, she was going mostly on instinct, being vaguely aware of how to do things, counting on practice making perfect. This is supposed to be just an exploratory dive, as it were. Take a quick 'look', see if there are any leads to follow, if so great, if not, well, there's always next time.

She is completely confused by what actually happens. She was supposed to be in control. Of just a tiny part, yes, but it shouldn't all have been so... vast. So nigh impossible to get her bearings at all. To retain awareness of her sense of self in this... ocean of Ether, with seemingly no beginning or end. In such a place, there are no destinations she can identify. No locations. What little she managed to grasp onto has no meaning. There's no way forward, or way back.

All she's done is establish a connection, and already she's hopelessly overextended herself. She can't do anything. She just flounders, barely aware of what's happening. She wouldn't be able to call for help if she even had the capacity to. Only her force of will, her unwillingness to give up no matter how impossible things may seem, is keeping her consciousness together. But she's not going anywhere.

Until she is. She realizes she is, and that it isn't her doing it. She couldn't fight it if she wanted to, but at this point it feels like anything that's making her go anywhere is an improvement. She's fine with letting this happen. For all she knows it might be Fei's doing, trying to guide her back. She has no idea that she's only being pulled deeper in.

Xantia opens her eyes. But she never closed her eyes. What an odd first thing to come to mind, now that she's capable of focusing it again. But it's completely accurate. Back in reality, she's still standing completely still, staring into Fei's eyes, her own unblinking. She certainly never sat down. But here she is, nonetheless.

"Is this a... chair? Why would there be a chair here?" She looks up, following the cross with her eyes for a moment. "...Where is here? Hello?"

Silence, other than the swinging cross's swooshing sounds. Xantia lowers her head. "It's... lonely in here. Not very different from how it is out there. It doesn't matter how many people are around. Could be a hundred, could be none. I'd still be alone, in a way. Will I ever understand normal people?"

She looks about again. For some reason, the thought to get up out of the chair won't come to her. But the thought that this thought isn't coming to her does. "Funny. Sometimes I just forget to sit down. I've never forgotten to get up before."

She still doesn't get up. Her attention is drawn to the curtained area. "Hey... are you there? Are you there, Id? Can you help me? ...Sorry you have to help me so often. I'm doing my best, but... I need you. Without you, I'll never be able to be who I want to be. ...That's just how I feel."

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

There is no answer in this strange place.

Not immediately. But eventually she can hear a voice. It's very soft. It says...

(Idiot, idiot, idiot)

Hey! Who is it calling an idiot?!

(Idiot! Idiot!! Idiot!!!)

The bloodsplattered boy phases in from nowhere and marches right up to the chair. Hair covers his eyes. He does not look directly at Xantia.

"You idiot.... Why do you people keep doing this? Don't you know how dangerous it is? ACTUAL Psychics have tried and died, but you keep trying don't you. Just over and over and over. What are you going to do if I'm not there to pull you out, huh? I hate it!! I hate people PEEKING INTO MY HEAD. I hate them digging around and pulling and twisting and getting their grubby little mind fingers all over it! Can't you people tell we hate it??"

He doesn't need air to rant in this place. This is the room of Damocles's Cross after all.

"I didn't do it." He insists, without clarifying what. "It wasn't me. I was just made to take the blame. For all of it. It's not my fault. I am not taking it anymore. I'm not taking the blame. If something bad happens it's not my fault! I've warned everybody. I've warned you, but you keep chasing after me. Why? Do you even know who you want to be?"

The boy looks back to Xantia. "Most people never know what they want to be. That's what's 'normal'." He didn't come out of the curtained area. He doesn't seem to care to acknowledge it.

"I don't want to be on this world. I don't want to be eaten by some fucking death whale." He says. "I don't have my Gear I--"

He grits his teeth and he says, "This is all the fault of those old men. Fucking with our heads. I should be allowed to kill if I want to. You should be allowed to kill if you want to. If they want to stop us, beat us, not this goddamn trickery. I hate it, I hate it...!"

He looks back to Xantia. "Do you know how close it was? How close you came to being consumed by the ether? You would have never woken up again. I had to take you HERE."

He quiets down a bit and adds, "...Why didn't I know you earlier. Why..." He sinks down, then flops over onto his back.

reality

If I pick my nose, Fei thinks, will Xantia know?

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

At least there's plenty of room to rant. Not just because of all the space, but because Xantia isn't saying anything. Nothing in her defense, in agreement, or anything else. She just sort of stares. Watches this boy as he goes on his tirade. Maybe she feels that it's better to just let him get it all out. Maybe it's just something about this place that makes her less prone to interrupting than usual. Perhaps a combination of those factors. Either way, she just stares.

Kind of like what she's doing out in reality. Can you really do such a thing with Xantia staring directly at you, Fei? Can you take that risk?

"...Sorry." Whoa, Xantia finally said something. Took her long enough. The boy had plenty of time to fall over and then some before she opened her mouth. And when she does, it's to apologize, and agree, "I'm... an idiot."

She probably would have protested more, normally speaking. But nothing about this situation is normal. Even if Xantia wouldn't tell outright lies, in here, it's still possible for her to be a little more honest than usual.

She actually smiles saying it, too. "It's my fault. I didn't know what I was doing. You know me, I just wanted to try something, so I did it."

She pauses a moment, looking pensive. Then she corrects herself, "Actually I take that back. I'm not sorry. Because it worked. I found you. So I'm happy."

She really doesn't seem to care how it happened, about the danger she put herself in. Or that this Id doesn't look like the Id she knows. It still makes her happy to see him, every time.

She finally rises from the chair. Raising her hands, she takes a moment to look at her palms, something she commonly does when thinking about her powers. "I guess... I guess it's because I'm not normal that I feel so sure that there's a 'right' way for me to be. There was something that was really important to me..."

She closes her palms and drops her hands to her sides, before placing them behind her back, turning towards the boy. "Actually I take that back again. I am sorry. But only for the things I did that you didn't like. I don't want to upset you. I never want to upset you. I don't know what old men you're talking about, but I do know that... making other people miserable won't make you any less miserable. So I want to find another way. So that you can be happy too."

She kneels next to the boy, treating him to her brightest smile. "Everything's going to be okay. I know people probably told you that before. But you can believe it when I say it. Because I'm pretty sure I'm the worst liar in both worlds."

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Fei stares at Xantia.

"I...I can't do it." He admits, lowering his head.

Cross of Damocles

"You should--"

'I actually take that back. I'm not sorry. Because it worked. I found you. So I'm happy.'

Id stares.

"...Yeah, I'm the idiot." He mutters, should've let you sit here for an hour.

He stares up at the ceiling.

"You can't be happy forever. Nobody can. Maybe I just want to sleep. Maybe I just want to be empty."

He doesn't clarify on the old men. He shouldn't have said anything about them in the first place, even if Xantia knows one of them very well.

"Sometimes you have to just let go. Not just for the sake of the future, but for the sake of 'a' future." Id says. "My brother's dead. If you died too, I wouldn't be able to stop. I would have to be stopped. I'm not the one allowed to be happy. It's not my role."

He stares up some more.

"Why do you need me to be you?"

A pause.

"I would not depend on my existence for yours."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia just continues to reply in the most Xantia way possible. "You don't have to be happy all the time. Just most of the time! At least some of the time. Sleeping is boring, it doesn't make anything happen."

At least she stops babbling long enough to let Id have his say afterwards. Right up until he mentions his role. That prompts a poke in the chest from Xantia.

"Now who's talking about what they want to be?" She wasted no time in hitting back with that one. "And don't say 'have to', that just means you either really want to, or you've given up. You're not just gonna give up, are you? Everyone deserves happiness! There's nothing you can say that'll convince me otherwise."

Jumping back to full height, she stretches out, calmly clarifying, "I've already decided, you know? Not because I have to, but because I want to. I'm going to find a way to make you happy. And I never give up, so it's happening. Just you wait and see."

Then she's asked a peculiar question. Why do you need me to be you? She doesn't seem to have an answer to that one. Is that what she's doing? It's not like she's trying to get Id to become just like she is. It's like she said, all she's trying to do is make him happy. Everyone wants to be happy, right? That's an objectively good thing. There's no way she can understand what he's trying to say.

She does have a reply to his final statement, though. "Why not? Because it's not a good idea? That's never stopped me before. ...You're not just going to stop being important to me, you know. It's not that simple." She looks away for a moment, adding in a softer tone, "I don't want it to be that simple."

Similar words to the ones Fei used earlier. It's the same sentiment - she's not going to give up just because things may be painful, or let previous pain hold her back in any way. Odd... if Fei can adopt that attitude, why can't Id?

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Id says, "Well that's reasonable but... I'm not... nghh..."

He doesn't want to explain. He hates admitting it and he doesn't want to share it--even if it means losing this quasi-argument. He accepts defeat rather than use a tool he'd rather not touch.

"I should just wait for it, huh?" Id says, looking up at the Cross suspended above his head. "You're the only family I've had that I felt was family in a long time." He says to the cross, but really to Xantia. "No matter what I did you kept after me. You're right. You don't give up, even when you really should, and somehow you make something happen anyway."

He sighs. Maybe he has given up on resisting Xantia, at least on this front.

It is strange isn't it? Fei CAN adopt that attitude, albeit it certainly wasn't easy. Why CAN'T Id? He just doesn't. He just stares up a bit longer.

"You said without me, you would never be who you want to be. What do you want to be?" He clarifies. "I don't... I don't get it."

Why not? Because it's not a good idea? That hasn't stopped her before. It really hasn't. Id laughs at the cross though he doesn't get up.

"You dork." He says, with genuine fondness. "You should probably get going soon. The other Fei is getting freaked out."

REALITY

My nose really itches, Fei thinks.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia smiles as Id relents, but she doesn't rub in her 'victory'. It turns into a more complicated expression when Id shares his feelings. Expressing her own feelings usually isn't hard for her. But she just... can't explain how she feels about Id. It makes what he's saying feel wrong. Fei is the one she can honestly say feels like family. She has no idea how to put her feelings into words about Id. He's just too... unique. Important in a different way from anybody else.

And Id pretty much confronts her on it. She certainly did say that she needs him to be herself, as she wants to be. Can she explain it any better than that?

"...I don't really get it either," she admits. "All I'm sure about is that when we first met, when we first fought, back in Old Petra... it felt like everything had changed. That's when I knew you were important in figuring out who I really am." And she's been hounding him ever since. Even though by now he's hardly the only Big Clue she's got anymore, Id never stopped feeling supremely important to her.

The moment for thinking about such things soon passes with her being called a dork, though. With a frown, she protests, "Heeey, that's mean. Besides, how am I supposed to get going? You're acting like I can just sort of--"

*POP*

BACK TO REALITY

"--bwah!"

Xantia abruptly releases Fei's face and immediately sinks through her legs, unable to keep standing. She feels like she just ran a marathon. Or five.

Still, she manages a faint smile as she looks up to... multiple Feis, her vision blurring. "F-found 'm," she strains to say, only managing to still add, "Gotta..." before her head sags, and she falls asleep right there and then. Leaving poor Fei with a number of unanswered questions.

Chief among which probably 'WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED??'

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Id sticks his tongue out at Xantia.

When she's gone, well and truly, he stares back out into space. "You're killin' me Xan... but... Thanks."

REALITY

Fei quickly lowers his index finger. "Xantia!" He says. "You're o--....kay?"

Xantia has fallen asleep.

"What?" He asks.

Then he looks up to the sky. "Why???"