2019-06-06: To Keep Helping You
- Log: To Keep Helping You
- Cast: Riesenlied, Xantia
- Where: Kilika
- Date: 6th June 2019
- Summary: Riesenlied recuperates from her near-miss with the Guard in Kilika, and Xantia speaks earnestly with her...
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Kilika was occupied by the Althenan Guardsmen very recently -- and Riesenlied had a pretty harrowing time, one that came close to her being scrutinised or possibly even being attacked if it weren't for Kaguya and Noeline's timely intevention! After that nice chat with her daughter, though...
But now, she's managed to get back onto her ship -- she still looks pretty shaken, looking over the railing at the deck of the Fereshte towards the town and seeing the incoming rush of the Guards. Most of the Outreach's workers have gotten back here.
The Hyadean hasn't changed much since arriving in Spira -- still in her wheelchair, it would seem, having experienced a great deal of duress since the events at the Forgotten Sanctum. She's hanging in there.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Speaking of harrowing experiences... Thanks to Marivel shenanigans, Xantia just sort of appeared on the deck of the Fereshte a few days ago. She had a bit of a rough time of it in Luca following the Maester's proclamation denouncing Crusaders as heretics. All because she just sort of ran with people's mistaken assumptions regarding her allegiance. And it's true that she kind of was among the Crusaders during Operation Mi'ihen, fighting alongside them. But who would have thought the Crusaders would get that kind of treatment after just doing what heroes would have done? Certainly not Xantia.
Either way, she no longer felt welcome in town afterwards, and needed a new place to stay, so... here she is. She wasn't hurt terribly during her own little incident, but her spirits have been noticably lower than usual, the normally energetic redhead acting more subdued and seeming less keen on traveling about or talking much for the moment. Which isn't to say that she doesn't want to talk. Something in particular has weighed on her mind for a while now. She just hasn't felt up to it.
Until today, when she climbs up to the airship's deck, and spots Riesenlied there, not appearing to be in very high spirits herself. Nothing quite like someone who appears to need cheering up to spur her into action.
Not directly announcing her presence with anything other than her footsteps, Xantia walks over to Riesenlied's side, to see what exactly the Hyadean is looking at. That might explain a few things. She's not exactly very happy about this development herself.
"It's going to get real bad soon, isn't it?" she questions out loud, shaking her head before turning to Riesenlied with a faint smile. "Are you doing okay? If I can do anything to make things better, you know you can ask me anytime, right?"
Seeing as this is Xantia, by 'do anything to make things better', she probably means 'punch somebody'.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied had briefly hard from Marivel that she brought Xantia here, but much like what Xantia experienced -- literally everything to do with Yo Mika's declaration of the Crusaders' exile and the subsequent response from the Guard had made everything a huge, hurried rush of fervour and activity and anxiety.
But Xantia is welcome here -- and a lot of the people onboard the Fereshte are those she's met before, back from Wayside, back from New Petra. They'd never turn her down.
"O-oh..." Riesenlied whispers, looking towards Xantia. She nods. "... I-- nearly got caught up in the Guards' march. Someone was suspecting me for my bounty with the Guard. If it weren't for Noeline and Kaguya, it might've ended worse."
She lowers her head. "... tempers are very high right now. We still want to continue with our job restoring Kilika from Sin's attack, but we may have to work around this..."
She bobs her head, the other way, but puts a smile back to Xantia. "I'm... doing okay. Still in the chair, I'm afraid, but I'm doing physical training to have walking days too. Are you... doing all right yourself? I'd vaguely heard from Marivel, but not the details. And yes, I'll be sure to ask if there's something..."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia frowns briefly when she hears about Riesenlied's predicament. She tends to easily lose sight of the bigger picture, but such smaller incidents, where people she cares about get caught up in all the insanity, those upset her. Which helps increase the motivation for 'doing something to make things better'. If only she knew who exactly she'd have to punch for that.
"I see... Kaguya, huh? I haven't heard that name in a while... I didn't know she was around." Or all that much about her, really. Not even her relation to Riesenlied. Can't be in the loop about everything.
Rubbing the back of her head, she admits, "I'm better at breaking things than rebuilding, and I don't really know what I can say to anybody to calm them down..." Far too happily, she adds, "I could scare them a little, though!" And then strikes a heroic pose to go along with her next declaration: "Those who obstruct justice will taste its iron fist!"
It may look like she's just joking around, but, again, this is Xantia. She takes the hero thing really seriously, and does she ever say anything she doesn't mean?
That done, she quickly returns to a calmer demeanor, acknowledging Riesenlied's statement on her condition with a nod. "I was surprised by that... I thought you already didn't need the wheelchair anymore. I hope you'll be okay again now." Xantia also has no idea about the nature of Riesenlied's condition. Even if she did, who knows if she would understand it.
When asked about her own condition, she hesitates, and looks away a moment before responding. "Yeah... I'm okay. People chased me, and a little girl threw a rock at my head. That's all." No big deal regarding her physical condition, which is how she's interpreting the question. But it's pretty obvious that the experience was upsetting. She shakes her head, however, starting, "I'm more worried about..."
There's an even more awkward pause this time, her eyes flicking towards and away from Riesenlied several times before she finishes that differently than she was going to. "Well... that's no problem as long as I'm here." She scratches her cheek. Even to people without the ability to outright sense that she's feeling majorly distressed about something, Xantia couldn't keep anything hidden about her feelings to save her life.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
"She's doing well. She was helping organise the Guard in this area... and she'd expressed her own reservations about the hastiness of Leo's own declaration," Riesenlied quietly expresses, looking the very part for a moment of a very proud mom who's happy her daughter's gone places.
She tilts her head up again and listens to Xantia for a moment longer... then scratches her cheek. There's a wince as Xantia says that people chased her away and even a rock was thrown at her. Well, Xantia is a very strong girl and Riesenlied isn't too concerned about the physical consequence--
But more the emotional ones, perhaps.
"If you'd like, there were some damagedparts of Kilika that needed to be demolished in order for us to rebuild. It might help relieve some stress, perhaps?" Riesenlied knows to advise Xantia with her perceived forte, though as the topic changes...
"Is there... something else on your mind, though?" Riesenlied asks kindly, patiently. She'd heard a little about the altercation in Dazil, but she's not sure if that's what's weighing on the martial artist's mind.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
As for Xantia, she just learned something new about Kaguya's affiliation. "Oh, that's good. I guess someone on their side speaking up about that would be more convincing than me trying to scare them." See, she does have some common sense. She just lacks the frame of reference to conclude anything mom-related from this. Xantia would not be able to answer the question 'what is a mom'. But that's not something that causes her any emotional distress, she has literally no idea what she's missing.
The incident with the townspeople though, that one cut far more deeply, emotionally speaking. These were people happy to see her before, welcoming people who were appreciative of the help she lent them whenever able. For them to suddenly turn on her like that... it's like the world had gone mad. Even after Marivel clued her in about the reasons, she still has trouble understanding such a drastic shift in attitudes.
And yet, even that is strongly outweighed by a certain uncomfortable feeling that she's had ever since her arrival here, at the Fereshte.
"Oh?" Xantia is briefly cheered by the prospect of something that needs to be broken, slamming her right fist into her left palm. "Well, if it's smashing you need done, you can always count on me!"
But as the matter turns to her true concerns, that brief spike of energy dissipates, and her shoulders sag. She's not about to lie about anything when directly asked about it. "Yeah... there is. I just feel like, well... I should warn you. About, uh..."
She pauses, and lets out an awkward laugh, not knowing where to direct her gaze for a moment. "About... me. It's a bit weird to warn somebody about yourself, isn't it?" It's certainly sounding like this is related to what happened earlier. But it's not necessary to guess, Xantia volunteers that much herself.
"You know, right? About... what happened in Dazil? I don't think anything like that will happen here, but... I could be dangerous. To you, in particular. I... I think." Despite the uncertainty, or perhaps because of it, it's easy to tell that this bothers her greatly.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
"Mmm. I'll let you know about what we might still be able to do for Kilika," Riesenlied answers, happy to at least be able to give Xantia a small comfort. She-- bobs her head, though, as Xantia speaks more about what's bothering her...
"I... I'd heard about it," Riesenlied says truthfully. "I was surprised, but... I'm-- well."
She sucks in a breath, but puts on a smile that she hopes helps with her attempt at reassurance as she says, "Xantia... if I might-- speak a bit frankly for a moment. Just a scant few months ago, Alhazred twisted me and took over my mind. He turned me into a weapon against you all. And I could only sit and watch as I... know I /did/ harmful and horrible things, against my will. ... it was only through everyone's words, everyone's memories that I was able to finally break free."
She pauses, and then adds, "I know it's not the same. I'm not saying what you're experiencing is the same, or that I can fully understand it. But I hope it rings a little true when I say I know the fear of hurting those that you care about, that you consider friends, family. And... I'll do as much as I can to help you through those difficult, scary moments, okay?"
There is a bit of a surprised look, though. "Why do you think it is more dangerous for me, or do you mean because..." She gestures to the chair. She knows she's no match for Xantia in a physical contest.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia got about as far as she could without feeling uncertain about how to put the way she feels into words. It doesn't feel like she can properly explain everything with just words. One would need to have experienced what she did, and she wouldn't wish that on anybody.
But... that's right, Riesenlied /did/ experience something very similar, didn't she?
Xantia remains silent throughout the description of that particular ordeal. She may not have turned into a dragon, and she doesn't know who, if anyone, is to blame for what happened, but... hearing the experience told by Riesenlied causes her eyes to widen in surprise. She hadn't considered it before, but when told it's not the same, she can only shake her head.
"...I think it's close enough to the same. Just... not being able to do anything but watch yourself do these things, needing everyone's help before you can finally stop yourself... That's it, that's exactly it. I... really wish you didn't have to know what that feels like."
This makes it easier to continue, and so she does. "Even before that happened... I knew something was wrong with me, I'd known it for quite a while. There were things I wanted to, but I couldn't do them. I couldn't even tell anyone, because that was one of the things I couldn't get myself to do. But..."
She falls silent. She lowers her head, and raises her right hand to her lips, biting one of her nails for a moment. Looks like this is a habit, giving that this nail, her ring finger's, doesn't match the length of the others. She doesn't look Riesenlied in the eyes when she speaks again.
"...I haven't told anybody about this. Only Lily knows, she saw it happen. But, in the Photosphere, I... killed a lot of Metal Demons. Not just the ones who attacked me. Every single one I saw. Even... those who couldn't defend themselves."
She abruptly raises her head, and continues speaking with far more emotion than before. "So, when I'm here, I'm just always thinking... if it wasn't for me, there would be more people here! And I'm just... I'm so sorry! I didn't want that to happen, but I still did it! And I can't be sure I won't do it again!"
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied probably has a lot of experience feelings things that words feel inadequate expressing. The myriad of complicated feelings she's had with -- people, with events, with the baffling wonders of both Filgaia and Lunar she scarce could fathom. She wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to put something into words.
"... I didn't either. But... I'm glad to have been rescued," Riesenlied admits quietly, that smile dampened a little.
Xantia continues; she speaks about what she feels like, the things she wanted to do, but couldn't. About telling people... she notices that tic of hers with her nail-biting. She often has her own tics too, the way she'd put her hand to her neck.
"I... Xantia..." Riesenlied expresses quietly, as she looks her in the eye and tells her of what she did in the Photosphere.
She's quiet for a while longer.
"... thank you, for telling me," she first expresses. "The Photosphere... that was... a very difficult situation for everyone. Battle often is. People don't have as much choice as they'd like. Even I, under that control -- I know I hurt more people than I would've wished to."
She reaches out to her gently, with the good, human hand that's not aberrantly twisted into a Dragon's.
"And... I know that fear, too. Not knowing what might happen in the future. Even now..." Riesenlied gestures towards the Medium grafted inside of her. It doesn't look natural, entwined and twisted within her scales and flesh.
"... all I can do is believe in the people closest to me -- people like Noeline, my children, people like you and Fei and Elly and Lily. That they'll do the right thing for me if a situation should ever arise, because..."
She glances aside. "Being alone... would make something like that impossible to deal with."
There is a quiet moment of rumination, then she looks back to Xantia. "So, just like you've helped me in the past... I want to help too. Help give you... a bit of assurance that even if it might reoccur, I-- we won't give up on you."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
One might expect that Riesenlieds words would offer comfort, in the face of an event that was undoubtedly traumatic once Xantia became consciously aware of it. But the initial reaction is one of frustration, Xantia looking at that outstretched hand with a confused expression.
"You always... do that. No matter what happens, you always keep being nice. You should get mad sometimes! Doesn't it make sense to get mad about this?" Xantia may also default to being nice to everyone she meets, but she has her limits. She's not sure if Riesenlied does.
Briefly rubbing her forehead as if nursing a headache, she shakes her head and sighs. Finally, the smile that she normally shows far more readily briefly appears once again. "...I'm glad that you still believe in me. I do want to keep helping you, too." More solemnly, she adds, "But, I don't want to put you in danger. Especially not if that danger is me. That's why I'm telling you this. So that, if there are any signs... you'll be able to stop me."
She pauses, before adding, "...You should tell Noeline too." Riese isn't exactly in great physical condition right now, and even if she was... well, it just feels like Riesenlied would worry about Xantia hurting her hands sooner than she would worry about getting punched.
Realizing she hasn't actually mentioned an obvious sign yet, Xantia brings a hand to her neck, tapping on the uncomfortable-looking black metal choker she wears. Since she's switched outfits, she's made sure it's kept in clear view at all times, for good reason. "If you see a pattern appear on this, patterns like Lily has on her skin... you should get away from me, but if you really want to help... then please, knock me out or something, do whatever you have to to make sure I don't hurt anybody."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
"... I know. I'm sorry. I... do wonder sometimes," Riesenlied admits sadly on the topic of if she ever gets mad. "Maybe it's something in the circumstances I grew up in... I--I'm sorry I don't get angry more often," she looks a bit bashful for a moment, horns wiggling lightly. Well, that's a very expected response from her, regardless.
"Often I'm scared that means I'm too forgiving, or I'll overlook things I shouldn't..." She bobs her head one way, glancing to the distance. It's clear it's something that bothers her from time to time.
"But..."
She lets out a deep, deep breath. "Okay. I'll tell Noeline... and-- ah--" She looks a bit surprised. "You mean like... the circuits?" she speaks in a more hushed tone. She quietly nods, though.
"I'll be careful. I've-- I've promised myself, above all, that I'll look after myself so I don't have to make everyone close to me worry so much."
She tries stammering out a joke as she adds, "M-maybe the Dragon can help, in that case. It's a lot more... big and metallic than I usually am."
Her horns wilt.
"Um, that's-- I mean, I will," as she tries to rally her thoughts. "We all will."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Of course that would lead to Riesenlied apologizing for not getting mad. Xantia should've seen that one coming. Her raised eyebrows seem to suggest that she didn't. Nothing new there, she can be oddly perceptive one moment and fail to predict the completely obvious the next.
Feeling a bit awkward now, she puts a hand on the back of her head. "Well, gee... I wouldn't know about that. I know I still get mad with people I could easily forgive if they stopped doing what made me mad. I even get mad with Id if he's trying to blow something up!"
'Even', indeed. Xantia may not be the best reference where it comes to Appropriate Response, in any sense of the phrase.
With a nods, she affirms, "Yeah... exactly like the circuits. They were yellow last time, but, well, I don't care what color they are, if you see them something's probably wrong with me." She has little basis for this, but 'better safe than sorry' seems like a good policy here.
Riesenlied then makes a joke about turning into a dragon, and... "Oh yeah, that's a great idea! If you turn into a dragon I probably won't be able to hurt you nearly as easily!" ...Xantia took it completely seriously. Typical joke effectiveness where she's concerned. At least she seems to be more relaxed now than before, so maybe it helped in that regard?
She nods, though, to the final statement, affirming, "As long as you're careful. You can count on me to help in any way I can, in the mean time." Frivolity returns to her voice as she asks, "Speaking of which, you were saying something about smashing stuff?"
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied is kind of glad the joke landed a little... even if Xantia seems to have taken it seriously. Anything to help reassure her a little that there are ways to avoid the worst outcomes. She also nods regarding the report of the circuits. She wonders for a moment what the relation between her and Lily might be... it's all a mystery to her still--
But right now, as Xantia asks, she nods with a big smile of her own. "Right! Down over there, our workers are having trouble demolishing the remains of the buildings where the tides consumed them, so we can build fresh new ones. Your hammer would be greatly appreciated..."