2019-07-28: The Clothing Crisis
- Log: 2019-07-28: The Clothing Crisis
- Cast: Lydia Seren, Ivan
- Where: Macalania
- Date: July 28, 2019
- Summary: Ivan makes a SHOCKING REALIZATION about Lydia.
================================<* Macalania *>================================= The Macalania region is home to two ancient, crystalline formations of unsurpassed mystery and beauty. The first is the Macalania Woods - a shining maze-like forest overseen by strange, ancient, birdlike Beastmen who speak in bizarre riddles and weave light like silk. The second is Lake Macalania - an eternally frozen lake surrounded by snowy crevasses, which one can just see the frozen Temple beneath. Macalania is a distant, remote region -- and full of its own dangers. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jz644GeAdE
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia TECHNICALLY NAKED BECAUSE THE ARMOR IS HER BODY Seren doesn't really have a place she sticks around much anymore. Luca is under Guard control and is uncomfortable at the best of times and Kilika is EVEN MORE under Guard control and somehow seems less safe despite not having been a warzone what with all the emboldened FIENDS and such.
Oh and the Mi'ihen Highroad is now the site of constant fighting and that's pretty familiar to Lydia who HATES IT okay and she doesn't want to get too involved in that.
And Guadosalam is honestly too depressing and boring for her so, well, she's in Macalania. Which at least is a forest. And has beastmen who seem pretty cool even though she has no idea what they're saying or what they do or what their deal is.
She sits down by the lake, minding her own business in her TECHNICALLY NAKED body that she seems WEIRDLY COMFORTABLE parading around in.
This doesn't mean she's really in her best mindset right now. All the fighting is kind of dragging on her and she's worried it'll be more like KislevAveh than GreenlandHyland.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan wasn't genuinely attempting to escape to Macalania to avoid civilization again, because now he knows better than that, but he was hoping it would be kind of... peaceful?
He is only mildly surprised to encounter a Lydia in the forest. If he senses that the narrator is trying to tell him anything important, it is perhaps only a vague nagging in the back of his mind.
"I had a feeling these woods wouldn't be empty this time either," says Ivan, as basically the first thing he does to announce his presence behind her. The second thing he does to announce his presence is sneeze.
He feels like there is kind of an unusually broody aura around Lydia, perhaps. Or maybe he's just projecting.
"...uh, were you here to be alone or because the trees are nice to look at? I can find a different spot if you wanted to be alone."
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia sits up quickly upon hearing the sneeze but upon seeing it's Ivan, she smiles faintly and lays back down. "Well everywhere that has a bathroom is conquered, a village in the middle of nowhere, or run by trees so..." Lydia says, still kind of laying down by the lake. "Er, not that I... am uh... Saying anything about that I'm just being uh fac...facetious?!"
Her eyes widen when Ivan suggests that he knows Lydia isn't just here to relax or--well--that he suspects that she is not in the best of moods.
"It's just... 'everything' going on, you know?" Lydia admits sheepishly. "I know your world isn't perfect or anything, but the food is good and it's very pretty and I'm worried all these wars that are happening are gonna ruin it and then we'll just have two dying worlds instead of one."
A thought occurs to her. "Are you sick again? If it's too cold here, we can move."
"How, uh, how've you been?"
he gloomy aura seems to be dissipitating mildly now that she's gotten the words out and has company.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan feels a bit awkward, as always, that Lydia is taking the conflict on herself more than he feels he is doing himself as one of its participants. He moves closer, kind of leaning down over her as his brain turns circles over whether it would be more normal to just sit nearby.
"You think we'll destroy the whole world?" he says, more doubtful and concerned about the possibility than offended. It seems like it would take a pretty big war to destroy the land itself, though there are plenty of terrible things to do along the way to that kind of scenario that would also be worth being concerned about.
Are you sick again?
"The ocean," he explains, instead of directly admitting to being sick. "I was trying to make peace with it, but I think it wants to stay enemies."
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
"No I--I don't know," Lydia admits. "You never really know if it's going to do something like that until it happens. Then it's too late. I don't even know what Yevon's got up its sleeve. I just hope it ends sooner rather than later. We've got two countries back home that have been fightiing for longer than I've been around and it's the most aggravating thing."
She pats the ground next to her as a suggestion to Ivan but she doesn't press it any further than that.
It's actually weirdly true that Lydia doesn't really have anything to do with this conflict and yet STILL she feels the impetus to 'do something about it' even as she's declaring she doesn't really want to be involved in it. It's like she's sabotaging her attempt to play herself. But this all comes screeching to a halt when Ivan claims he was trying to create a formal peace treaty between himself and the ocean.
"You were trying to swim? I took lessons but my mass is pretty, uh, it's not super conducive to it." as Ivan's seen. "Actually--" She looks out towards the lake. "I've been wondering if I could skate across that ice or if I'd smash through and sink."
She raises an arm and looks at the armored shell covering her arm. "Even if I reincorporate this into my body, it's still a part of it so I still basically weigh about the same."
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan is saved from his mental loop and manages to sit once he has an invitation, but chooses a patch of ground a bit further out from the one that Lydia patted. At her question about swimming, he nods, frowning at the memory.
"I had... sort of a... lesson to try to sort out what I've been doing wrong. But did you know that apparently the first requirement for learning how to swim is to relax?!" Ivan sounds highly scandalized by this realization. This face grows all the more exaggerated, and then he turns away and sneezes again.
Lydia tells him of her desire to ice skate and mentions reincorporating pieces of armor into her body, and Ivan blinks for a moment, the wheels in his head slowly turning.
He has thought about the fact that Lydia is made of metal before, it is true. But he finds himself with a Concern formulating about this fact that perhaps he did not have before.
"I guess I knew that your armor isn't really an armor," he says, kind of working it out as he talks through it, "But if you aren't in armor, then does that mean you're not really in... ... anything?"
He sits there, frozen and, increasingly reddening as this thought escapes into the world.
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia pats at her armor but it sadly does not really have pockets. she has a nearby bag which she rummages through. "Oh. Guess I don't have any tissue."
Does Spira even have tissues?? Questions that Lydia's player doesn't think about until moments like these but even if it did, Lydia doesn't seem to sneeze enough that she felt the need to restock sincce arriving back on Lunar. Or she just sneezes and rubs her hands on whatever she happened to be wearing at the time. Lydia HAS at least been wearing cloaks and such but that was largely less to keep from getting complaints from Spirans than part of her typical attire. In fact, she was kind of grouchy about having to wear it! It feels like hiding thet identity she just started to claim as her own.
"I know right?" Lydia says on the matter of relaxing. "That's such a bullshit instruction. If we could just snap our fingers," She snaps her fingers. "And relax!" She slouches suddenly. "We'd do it! Relaxing should be like step four or five. That would make way more sense."
She frowns thoughtfully at the lake. "Maybe I should give it a try anyway and----"
Her entire everything freezes because Ivan speaks of a way of looking at Lydia that Lydia hadn't even considered before despite it being kind of right there and in everyone's faces once you really think about it.
"..."
"..."
"..."
BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yick1M_StCE
Lydia turns and walks and hides behind a tree.
"I... I hadn't thought about that before...!" Lydia stammers. "Are you sure? Are you sure it's like that??? I was thinking like 'it looks like armor so it's basically armor right?' but now that you mention it I'm pretty sure Kalve would say something like 'No it's your body now do 50 pushups.' and I'd be like 'I hate doing pushups, Kalve!' and he'd be like 'It doesn't matter that you're naked do the pushups!'."
She places her hands on her head. "Oh Guardians, I've been wearing it like this forever! All my friends and family...! Ahhh, were they thinking I was naked the whole time??? Does everybody think I'm an exhibitionist????"
She covers her face with her hands. It's honestly impressive she hasn't done a Riesenlied and started getting droopy horns here. Perhaps she just barely avoided that fate.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"I have a handkerchief..." Ivan mumbles, feeling like he's admitting to having colds in general and this cold in particular by calling attention to it.
Lydia expresses indignation solidarity about the Rules of Swimming. Could... could Lydia potentially float if she relaxed? Ivan isn't sure if that much mind over matter is feasible, but he doesn't want to trample her dreams!
"Y-yeah, I bet all the steps after relaxing are really easy, putting relaxing in front of them is unfair to... ... anyone who has valid concerns about the ocean!"
But then, everything changes, as Ivan blurts out the idea that Lydia might not be wearing any clothing. She... she gets up and hides!! Wait, no, Lydia hadn't thought of it either?!? He has triggered a crisis?!
"No, wait, I take it back!!" But it can't be taken back!! It is free!!! Much like Lydia in her unclothed state!!
Does everybody think I'm an exhibitionist????"N-no, I mean... maybe I'm the first to think of it! Not that I'm thinking that!! I hadn't had time to think anything about it yet I promise! My brain is on lockdown, I'm not having any thoughts at all!!"
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia has managed to vaguely tread water but actual swimming techniques usually are more her throwing herself through the water than swimming through the water. Behind the tree, Lydia is rapidly shifting between outfits in a desperate attempt to no longer be naked (apparently) but it's kind of a horrifying loop because like even if she somehow materializes pants she's still naked because the pants are also Lydia! It's all Lydia! She didn't think about it like that! Now she can't not think about it like that! Each new outfit still looks vaguely 'techy' all the same too so that doesn't help matters. Naturally the situation means she can't voice her agreement about how unfair the idea of relaxing first is but never fear--it's true. She doe agree completely and maybe her current situation is evidence enough of that.
"It's too late!" Lydia says. "I can't stop thinking about how I HUGGED MY MOM in that me-armor! Is that why her horns are always droopy?? AHhh I'm so bad at reading people! What do I do Ivan?? The cloak's back at the Carakin and I mean realtalk that wasn't really super covery!" Her eyes widen. "And you saw me too, aaaaaaaaahhhhhh---" AND HIS SISTER TOO AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH "---Did you at least like it?? No wait that probably gives off the wrong impression???"
She peeks at the tree but it doesn't seem to have any answers and isn't helping Lydia leaf these thoughts alone.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan is trying not to watch the frantic cycle between new outfits that are also Lydia, but he can kind of get the jist of what is going on. He stands up and unfastens his own cloak, covering his eyes with one hand and offering it towards her with the other. It isn't a full coverage sort of garment itself, but there's enough fabric to wrap around herself in an emergency, which this seems to be.
"You can have this! Only if you want!! Maybe it would be better to try to find a way to think the situation back under control again!!" They thought their way into it, maybe they can think their way out of it?
"Can you... well... can you feel anything with the armor?"
That would be helpful as a datapoint in favor of the armor being treated like armor if the answer is no, but WAIT WHAT IF THE ANSWER IS YES.
Did you at least like it??
"Did I like it???? I... I mean, as armor goes... it was... ... ... this feels unsafe to answer!"
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia this time, at least, doesn't >Press the question of whether Ivan liked it because to be honest it probably is pretty unsafe to answer and Lydia got embarrassed by herself after she asked it. Also before she asked it.
Lydia hesitates, like feeling like maybe taking that cloak is admitting that she was in fact walking around in the nude for the past, like, 6 or 7 months.
She ultimately takes the coat with a quiet 'Thank you' and wraps it around her. It might be tough to tell whether it's the coat or Ivan's words of advice, but it does seem to calm her down noticeably. Maybe it's neither exactly and is just the gestures of kindness that kind of chill her out.
"I'm such a mess. I thought I was over it, mostly, haha. Made it me. Who I am. My body but I didn't even think about that."
She hugs the coat tightly for a moment before looking back to Ivan. She rubs at her eyes briefly and then back down at the coat.
She feels warm......
...but it isn't the coat doing it. Not exactly. She slowly shrugs the coat back off and offers it to Ivan.
"Thanks but--You need this to defend against the lake." She says even though the real reason is because Ivan has a cold and they are in the vincinity of a frozen lake so it's not exactly a great temperature to go out into while already sick and coatless.
"I'll just um... see it as me making my own clothes, if that's okay. I mean, if that doesn't bother you." Seems like she's taking the advice of thinking her way back out off it. IT's a dire trick but if Ivan can use it, so can Lydia!
She isn't sure how to answer Ivan's question. Can she feel anything? "Um, it doesn't like feel like skin, and the tactile response isn't very strong--like touching a nail, I guess? Not quite, but that's the closest I can think of?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
The cloak is definitely a very mixed solution; even Ivan realizes its potential to kind of lock in the idea that Lydia has retroactively been naked for an indeterminate period of time. But, perhaps it served its purpose more as a gesture of concern than a solution.
Ivan accepts it back, nodding gravely as she decides in her heart to think of it more as a superpower and less as a life-altering foray into nudism. She then implicitly places a very serious responsibility on his shoulders, which is Not to Be Weird About It.
It is...........so hard for Ivan not to be weird about things, especially things he has already been weird about.
He takes a steadying breath. ... ... and er. Sneezes.
He wraps the cloak back around himself and takes another steadying breath.
"It doesn't bother me," he says, in the least weird voice he can muster. The voice kind of wiggles around a bit unconvincingly, but the intention is there. He tries to look at her normally, but his expression twitches a little bit too, betraying him. Stop that, expression! Stop thinking Lydia is nude! She has MADE a DECISION.
He clears his throat. "If it feels like nails, then it -- then it AT WORST is like an exoskeleton. Crabs aren't naked."
This assertion about crabs may be rather controversial, but he seems able to hold this logic together more sincerely than his previous effort to just shove the thought back into pandora's box.
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia's body being Lydia's body is important to Lydia. If she had been asked, the odds of her being totally okay with a cool cyborg body is probably actually pretty high. But she wasn't asked. It just happened. Like an accident except not really. It was done to her for a reason and she still doesn't know what that reason is.
Part of her suspects the reason was 'to be cruel'. Another said it was to be a weapon. Maybe they decided they'd figure out her purpose later.
"When I was a kid, people thought I was a guy so I had to uh. Change my body then too. so it isn't like... the first time even, so. I think about it like that, right? I am just making it what it's supposed to be."
Her cheeks are silvering furiously but she seems to be calming down. When Ivan points out that CRABS aren't naked, even if the logic is kind of dubious, that seems to help Lydia--more than Ivan's initial attempt, even, since Lydia was actually kind of hyperaware of those twitches even as she was kind of withdrawing into her own mindscape.
But she says, "Butt...yeah, you're right. You're right!" She grins, pulling herself back from some kind of despair nexus. "It's like, uh, the shells are their home right? I even saw a picture once where like a crab shell had like a tiny little apartment in there sort of--" She pauses. "So it's like, um--this body."
She taps at it. "It's my home. A weird home but it's mine. So it's fine."
She lowers her hands. "Thanks. Sorry for freaking you out. I kinda wish we could go out on the ice. Maybe it's not thin ice..."
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Lydia tells Ivan about her past experiences with changing her body. His eyes widen and he blinks a little.
"Oh, really?" He hadn't heard of that exact kind of situation before but there are a lot of things Ivan hadn't heard of before he actually started... talking to people.
Lydia seems a little comforted by the parallel with crabs, which is good because that really could have gone either way. Not everybody probably likes to be compared with a crab.
"A home seems like a good way to think of it. Sorry, though. I didn't mean to create a crisis."
The exoskeleton metaphor is helping him to stop making weird faces because looking at someone's bones is just an eccentric and unusual experience, it's not a critical social taboo with confusing physical and emotional consequences like looking at all of their skin would be! ... these things are all quite arbitrary if you stop to think about it, so Ivan will probably need to try to not do that.
Lydia is wistful about wanting to go out onto the ice. Ivan squints at the ice, trying to figure out if he has any idea how to solve such a problem, but ice really isn't his area.
"If Talia were here she could add more ice on the ice so it would be thicker... ... ... all I can really do is melt it. Or stab it." ...Or do flips on it and possibly fall in. He grimaces at the thought. "Did you want to skate on it?"
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia is a beastman! Maybe that helps with being a crab. Or crablike. Or compared to crabs. It's certainly better than, like, being compared to a bug or someone running around buck naked.
"Yeah," It isn't exactly something Lydia talks much about but she's comfortable enough with Ivan apparently. "I guess I've always had trouble feeling 'Me'-ish." She laughs a bit again.
"Hey it's okay." She smiles. "Better with you than with some asshole. I'm okay now."
She seems determined to be 'okay' right now too, like just...moving on rather than dwelling on that weird moment of weakness. Actually what she really wants to do would probably make Ivan flee like crazy but helping someone through an anxiety attack shouldn't be rewarded with hitting THEM with an anxiety attack especially since her own anxiety seemed to hit Ivan with plenty of his own already. Even Lydia gets that much.
"Oh yeah I always think about her cool portal tricks I forget about her other tricks." Lydia admits. "But--yeah. They make these shoes with like blades underneath and you can use them to slide on the ice. I've never tried it but it sounds pretty tough. There isn't a lot of ice back home. Uh. I mean there's plenty in some places but not where I lived and I wasn't really thinking about skating in Elru with everything going on."
Her body is her home, Lydia thinks, it's honestly pretty silly but somehow that phrase, that line oef thinking, kind of makes her feel good about herself right now.
"Is there anything you want to do?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"It does seem like the world has given you a lot of difficulties in that area," Ivan says, of Lydia's ongoing efforts to establish a harmonized sense of herself.
Better with you than with some asshole.
Ivan points at himself questioningly, with raised eyebrows. But he IS just some asshole!
Regardless of whether he was the best person to trigger such a crisis, Lydia seems to be rallying into a calmer and more cheerful mood.
She introduces the concept of bladed shoes made just for skating on ice! Like roller skates, but sharper!
"Do you think anyone fights with shoes like that?" Ivan asks, contemplating inefficient murder methods and possibly ruining the joyful image of ice skating a bit. He wonders if Lydia could make blade-skates come out of her feet instead of wheel skates if she wanted to.
"It seems like it would be about the same as roller skating, difficulty-wise, but it also seems like if the ice cracked it would be absolutely the worst thing ever."
Ivan has no idea why ice skating would even have been invented because why would anyone wish to court death like that when there are a million other perfectly good flat surfaces to skate on with wheels that don't have horrible chilly watery doom waiting beneath?
He gives the ice an accusing look for trying to lure people in general and Lydia in particular to their dooms. "It probably isn't that great anyway," he says. "It's probably like regular skating except instead of flying over a chasm, the chasm might decide to show up underneath you." Now he is definitely ruining the joyful skating image.
Is there anything you want to do?
Ivan starts a little at the question and looks over at her. "Me? What? Why? I mean, generally...no?" he says, with the response coming out like a question.
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
She should've expected that answer!
"Ughhhhh..." Lydia exhales when Ivan tries to paint himself as some asshole tool which well might be true for some folks but hasn't really been Lydia's viewspace of Ivan since April (and she never really felt Ivan was the kind of asshole he pretended to be even on day one though at the time she didn't really differentiate. But it isn't a very serious ugghhhh and smiles about it because it was kind of a funny/cute reaction too.
"Well ice is slippier I assume so I don't think it'd be exactly the same...though yeah, I don't think even I'd want to suddenly tumble into the drink like that." Fire didn't seem to do good things to her and she wasn't sure what sudden temperature DROPS would do. She didn't want to test that out.
Lydia walks over to Ivan. It's frustrating in a way that such answers often end in a negative response though it's not as if Ivan doesn't like to do anything. Lydia is certain Ivan loves to do adventures, for instance, provided that adventure doesn't involve watery doom.
"Well if you're not sure..." Lydia says. "I know what I'd want to do."
She stands herself next to Ivan and then she takes Ivan's hand OH SHIT (but at least nobody's around to see it) and says, "I would take your hand and lean against you like this--"
She leans against Ivan, shoulder to shoulder, barring a reflex DC save and closes her eyes. "--and feel safe. That's what I'd do."
What was that about not giving Ivan anxiety attacks Lydia??
Well, maybe she thinks it's okay because nobody's around.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
While Ivan may still be a bit unsure of Lydia's breathing needs, he has definitely seen her react with discomfort to the cold, so he assumed that plunging into icy water would be a horrible experience even if maybe not technically a dooming one. But it could be dooming, too, like what if she was too cold to do some kind of super jump maneuver to escape the bottom of the lake and was stuck down there in and endless loop of being too cold to do anything? Ivan chooses not to vocalize this.
Suddenly, Lydia narrates her way into close bodily contact with Ivan! Oh no oh no what does he do! Out of fight, flight, or freeze, Ivan's central nervous system chooses... FREEZE.
"I, um. Wait, that's not. That's not a thing I just do... ..."
Yes, sure, there is some precedent here. But there needs to be a highly specific reason for hand holding. A FUNCTION. A PURPOSE.
...and feel safe.
Is that a reason??
"...You didn't feel safe before?" he asks, testing the structural integrity of the loophole, even as he continues to internally freak out. This is so obviously not a thing he should be doing or a road he should be walking down under any circumstances!
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia seems to have learned that moving in a kind of flow gets her more cuddle than she'd probably normally get but even if she likes to respect Ivan space she also is an individual who needs cuddle in her life. It's just how she is!
Did she not feel safe before?
Lydia is slow to answer that because it's a bit of a complicated answer. And it's also a hard answer since it involves things that are pretty difficult for her to even speak on let alone explain.
"Since the planning for Mi'ihen, I guess not really? I don't mean I felt unsafe with you before." She definitely doesn't want Ivan getting the wrong idea there! "You help."
It may seem a little strange that she said 'the planning of Mi'ihen rather than the actual battle of Mi'ihen but that's only because she isn't feeling unsafe because of Sin's presence but because of Master Krelian's presence there.
She doesn't even try to say it this time having failed enough times that it just isn't going to happen.
"But all of that can just go away for a while." Lydia says instead. "And it's nice. I--"
She trails off, finishing her sentence with a bit of a hand squeeze instead.
And certainly, Ivan has calmed her from enough panic attacks at this point it has some basis in practical reality.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Lydia's answer is specific and strange enough to confuse Ivan, buying more time, perhaps, to prolong the moment.
"The planning for Mi'ihen?" he echoes. "How come? Do you mean the big meeting or just... when they started saying it would happen?" He didn't even realize Lydia was at the meeting -- if she was, at all.
Lydia tells him he helps with the feeling of unsafeness. And, further, that it is nice to be with him, and makes her worries go away for a while.
He looks at her with open surprise and confusion, like he could have had no way to previously imagine that she might feel like this, despite... ... just about everything else that's transpired up until this point. The confusion gives way to the sort of worried expression one might have when examining a person for serious injuries after they had taken a tumble.
They say that poison is so dangerous because it takes the place of some life-giving substance that a person genuinely needs and impersonates it, without accomplishing what that substance was meant to do. Ivan increasingly worries he is poison for Lydia. Isn't he taking the place of a real person who could provide real comfort and protection?
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia presses more into Ivan when he asks that as if being reminded of something troubling. Luckily it's just Lydia's home doing this so it's all okay.
"The...big meeting." Lydia says. "I was kind of hanging back so I wasn't really involved but I saw someone there and they--"
She trails off, biting into her lip faintly. "I'm sorry. It's hard to talk about. I'm not sure I can..?"
Also a strange way to put it but there's a few potential explanations for that.
Lydia's own worry is that she is maybe not poison for Ivan but simply some kind of pain that's torturing him and maybe he'd actually prefer if she left him alone? But she doesn't voice that fear. It certainly helps she's seen some evidence that that isn't strictly the case but...There's that little voice, you know?
"It's not a 'that' specific thing though. I mean. I've felt unsafe in a lot of ways and you helped me through all of them. I can appreciate that, right?" She does sound a bit unsure, like Ivan might not let her or something somehow.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
There was a thing? A specific meeting? "You can't talk about it? It was really bad?" But something about the wording catches him. He remembers a certain incident she told him about earlier, where her will was overridden. The worry on his face intensifies.
"...You mean you can't-can't? Does it have to do with your kidnappers? Can you say if it did...?" Ivan doesn't know the will override rules!
"Do I need to stab someone? Or I can just punch them if you want. Can you blink once for stabbing and two for punching...?" Ivan that is almost certainly not a way around the rules!
Lydia suggests that Ivan has helped her feel safe a number of times in the past. Though Ivan has not forgotten these incidents, per se, he has mentally downplayed their significance and utility to the point where he is always surprised to find that she remembers them. She's right to worry he will somehow try to force her to take back her appreciation.
"I... ... I don't know. You don't need to, though?"
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia is fairly certain if she helps Ivan FIND THE GUY he will absolutely be destroyed by some hit squad or something worse and maybe, well, Lydia isn't sure what sort of mad science one would do to Ivan but whatever they do it certainly wouldn't be good!
Lydia blinks several times in response to Ivan's questions but she honestly is just blinking because she's kind of shocked at the offer and she isn't sure why she doesn't feel good about the idea of him being stabbed repeatedly but she can't even get words out for a while because she's just kind of internally panicking that Ivan will get himself hurt! SO MUCH FOR FEELING SAFE RIGHT LYDIA?
But then she realizes that this is the exact sort of thing she'd try to do if Ivan were talkinga bout his problems and she actually laughs at that, shoulders shaking uncontrollably.
"Need..?" She manages. "Maybe I do need."
Reality is kind of crashing in on her dream here. Like trying to ignore the alarms, she attempts to give Ivan a 1x hug.
"Just...be safe." She manages.
Maybe if she keeps the covers over her head they'll let her dream.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan counts the Lydia blinks. "Stab? ...Punch? Throw into the sun?" That last one wasn't on the menu but he needed to interpret extra blinks. Lydia starts to laugh, and tells him she may 'need' to appreciate him. Now it is Ivan's turn to blink. (who does Ivan want stabbed?)
She hugs him, and he seems to get a couple of inches taller as he tenses with surprise, not returning the hug or trying to escape the hug but just standing awkwardly within it.
"I'm sorry," he offers, like that's the appropriate reaction to prompting someone to hug you. He still feels as though he's perpetrated a long and particularly insideous con.
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia laughs again at 'throw into the sun'.
In the hug, "Are you standing on your toes?"
She steps back a bit to see if Ivan is or if it's just like his shoulders shooting up over his head somehow.
"You're forgiven," Lydia says distractedly as if she's both A) accepting the apology and B) Kind of doesn't find the apology necessary in the first place but isn't going to argue that point.
"I don't really know what I want done. If I ever figure it out I'll be the first to let you know and ask you to not do it anyway. I'm being pretty frustrating, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Are you standing on your toes?
"N-no!" Ivan sputters. Maybe he is a little. But mostly it's just that there is currently no slack in his spine whatsoever.
Lydia accepts his apology, which sort of underscores to Ivan that maybe he should have explained what he was apologizing for.
Lydia tells him that if she figures out what she wants to do, she'll be sure to tell him and not let him help with it.
"I'm being pretty frustrating, right?"
"Kind of," Ivan says. "If I can't really help I think maybe I should have run away from this conversation a few minutes ago." But maybe he is helping emotionally? Aaah but that's the opposite kind of help he wants to be depended on for!
"I know I got thrown into the ocean a couple of times and I haven't managed to assassinate anybody since you've known me, but I really am better at killing people than like... ... ... emotional...stuff."
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia's cheeks silver. "Geeze, just agreed with that." She kind of figured she was because she was sort of Ivanning back at Ivan and she was pretty sure Ivan would find that as frustrating as Lydia does sometimes but it was still kind of a hit to the ego there.
She does seem to be feeling better at least. And considering her situation, emotional help might go longer than physical help. "I don't really know uh right I want yet. I just--don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out but--" She shrugs both shoulders.
Lydia smiles at Ivan. "Well if that's true, then you must be pretty good at killing people." She isn't sure she is ready to accept responsibility for using Ivan like a gun. In fact, the more she thinks about it, the idea of sending Ivan to kill someone kind of sickens her even if it's out of like friendship or love or whatever rather than...whatever is going on between Ivan and Lubov. "Or at least you've got a knack for helping me out anyway."
She considers. "I don't think...um... I want to ask you to hurt people on my behalf. Because I don't see you that way?"
She looks sheepish then, rubbing at her arm. "Sorry. I know that's um, easier for you but... I wouldn't feel right. I don't think."
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
It somehow had not occured to Ivan in any way whatsoever that using Ivan to assassinate someone might make Lydia uncomfortable because she would be using Ivan to assassinate someone. It surprises him to hear that she doesn't want to for that reason, but it actually hits his heart a little bit funny, too.
There is a brief interval where Lydia will have to wait for Ivan to reboot.
"... ... I see. Okay. I'm not really sure why my emotional help has been helping at all, but. I guess it's not bad that it is. Or, maybe it is bad in a long-term sort of a way, but... I'm not sure what to do about it at this point, I think it's gotten a little out of hand... I probably won't ever come around in the way that maybe you're waiting for me to come around, so maybe this is leading somewhere kind of sad and disappointing?"
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
Lydia seems to be more certain of this the more she thinks about it. Sure, it would be awful convenient if Krelian died somehow but aside from not really personally appreciating murder in general, she feels like it would be a little weird and messed up to get her catharsis or whatever through murder. Does that actually help solve any of her problems?!
Then again, maybe there's the other reason to murder a Krelian and that's to stop him from doing anything so messed up to someone else ever again. That kind of murder Lydia can get more behind but even in that case... No. Ivan has had enough people in his life using him as a weapon. If she did that, she wouldn't be any better than them. Maybe even worse because she would also kind of wish to smooch the 'knife' here and only creeps do that. Nope. Ivan is going to be a person, Lydia has decided, even if it's only in her eyes.
But is it all leading somewhere kind of sad and disappointing? And does it matter to her if it does?
But on the other hand, Lydia has seen concerete proof (in her mind) that Ivan actually does like her back. He might not believe it or be willing to accept it but even so none of that really matters.
Lydia shrugs. "Don't know what to tell you, bud. It's not like I planned it, but if I give up on it'll be sad, dissapointing and maybe kinda pathetic. I've had failed relationships before. It's fine. I'll live."
She shakes her head. "But I don't think this is gonna be one of them." Of course didn't she think similarly of some others? Well actually for the most part she never even made a move before finding out they had a girlfriend already! And for the rest she did kind of figure they were doomed from the start.
"heh. It's actually kind of exciting to think I have a chance for once heh heh...."
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"You have??" Ivan doesn't know if she means failed relationships like ones that didn't quite happen or which did happen but ended up going awry.
But also!! Wh-what part of 'I'll probably never come around' turns into 'It's exciting to have a chance for once heh heh heh!'
Ivan makes a faint sound of distress, before turning away to sneeze again. "I think that now I absolutely have to run away," he says, backing up. But he hesitates a bit before he turns.
"Will you be all right?"
With the unsafeness? The sudden but predictable rejection? The siren call of an icy lake that possibly can't hold her weight?
<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.
YEAH HOW DOES THAT WORK IVAN?
Some part of Lydia worries that maybe it's just desperation on her part but the stronger part, really, reassures her with the SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE that Ivan does care even if, maybe, he will never admit it to anyone within this universe, but she's enjoying whatever it is. So ... it's fine.
"I'll be okay. You saved the day, ninja." She reassures him. Part of her feels that compulsion to show physical affection but she manages to resist this time. Ivan's hit his limit. It's fine. Granted it was kind of Ivan that made the day need saving in the first place but with any luck Ivan has forgotten that part by now.
"Um Ivan I--"
She cuts herself off. Gahh why is it so embarrassing to say it even now. "--Be safe, okay?" She settles that instead.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
As Lydia stifles her urge to more physical affection, Ivan hesitates in the awkward silence, too, a silence which does seem to beg for something to be said. But then Lydia fills it with: Um Ivan I--" Ivan braces for the sentence to end in some way he is currently unready to face, but she simply asks him to stay safe. He lets out a held breath and seems to deflate slightly.
"...you too," he says. "Please don't skate on the lake alone."
And then, in the fear that she will find the strength to finish her earlier sentence, he adds, "GOODBYE!" and zooms away with such fervor that he practically seems to teleport.