2019-08-06: The Dumbest Thing Kaguya Has Ever Heard

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  • Log: 2019-08-06: The Dumbest Thing Kaguya Has Ever Heard
  • Cast: Ivan, Kaguya Alathfar
  • Where: Luca - Port District
  • Date: August 07, 2019
  • Summary: Ivan asks Kaguya for some advice on how to redirect Lydia's feelings to someone else. Apparently feelings don't work that way??

===========================<* Luca - Port District *>===========================

Luca is the largest port and second-largest city in Spira, located the southern tip of the archipelago's largest island. Its location as the central port for Spira's surrounding islands has turned Luca into a thriving economic hub; Besaid, Kilika, and a dozen smaller islands all send their goods to Luca for sale, and even the Al Bhed are known to trade here from time to time.

The port district is an immense, bustling area. The largest port in Luca brings in ships from across Spira -- from small fishing ships from Besaid to Al Bhed salvage ships to large sailing vessels from Bevelle -- and a massive market to match. A large seawall keeps the waters at bay, with piers extending out past the seawall into the water.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CIlRCYnZcg
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

Ivan hasn't actually had a lot of treasure hunting to report to Kaguya lately because mostly he kept making trips to Mi'ihen caverns and he already told her about all the Filgaia-related clues there.

Regardless, having Kaguya as a treasure hunting boss has him in a rhythm of coming up to talk to her sometimes to report on his exploits, and it's only after he already got partway into gearing up to tell her things that he realizes he doesn't really have anything to tell her. He's been hanging out with his 'treasure hunting associate' a lot, sure, but it's mostly been ABSOLUTE NONSENSE like... playing sports....or... accidentally giving Lydia a life crisis because he realized she walks around naked. Or... ice skating...? How do these things that aren't business keep happening?

Wait, no, that time was kind of legitimate, they found a magic axe during that walk!

"Do you know how to sell a magic axe?" he asks Kaguya. "Also, do you know of anyone who I can set up with Lydia?" Aside from himself, apparently...?

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

It's fine. Treasure hunting is a cool idea and all but a war sort of gets in the way, and also, the easy-to-find treasure is already mostly hunted. It's sort of how it works. However...

...Kaguya knows all that so she's willing to be patient, and willing to hear the updates, since that's not the only purpose for it really. But, here--

Kaguya lifts an eyebrow. She's seated at the moment at a table, a few bits of machinery strewn about--circuitboards most notably--and just looking at Ivan for a moment. "I mean, I used to be a merchant, so, yeah I know how to sell some stuff." This is pretty deadpan.

"Generally you just find a buyer, tell them how great the axe is, and get their money. But this other thing--"

"Set Lydia up for what, exactly?"

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

Ivan frowns at the instructions about the axe. As he suspected, that sounds like it would take social skills.

"So you can't post a bulletin or something like 'please give me money and take my axe, and don't talk to me'?

Set Lydia up for what, exactly?

Don't make him use words, Kaguya! Ivan paces around a little in front of the table where Kaguya is seated, gesturing with his hands.

"You know, on like a date. Do you know anyone who's nice and her type and isn't seeing anybody else."

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

"You can do that if you want to get ripped off. Alternately, you can pay someone else to do it for you, in exchange for a cut of the profits. There's lots of ways--the world of business is a wide and varied one."

Kaguya frowns still as her question goes through though. There are other seats at the table, all of which are empty at the moment. And so he explains...

"I mean." Pause. "Are you asking me for advice on how to break up with my little sister, Ivan? Because we might have to have another conversation about that."

"Also I mean I don't, as a rule, know a lot of nice people. On a given daily basis I mostly talk to mercenaries or, say, assassins. For instance." Pause.

"Anyway no. You're not allowed."

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

...Uh oh. Wait! How is this about breaking up with Lydia?? Ivan never even agreed to (admit to) being friends with Lydia! ...And does Kaguya know he's an assassin?

Which of these situations is more dangerous right now?? Probably the Lydia one, like if Kaguya has known his deal, she's probably just known it since they met, because of Talia... right?

"Wait, no, we can't break up, we aren't together! I'm not trying to hurt her feelings, I'm trying to... safely escort her feelings to someone more qualified!"

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

Kaguya sent Ivan to murder Seymour Guado! He's totally an assassin. Does she know he's an assassin for somebody else though? Well.... She doesn't say. Instead--

Well instead Kaguya knows a lot of things as a general rule, and in this case, she knows to roll her eyes. "Oh, right, yeah, feelings, you don't have them, all that stuff. Okay so let's pretend I believe you and I don't think you two look good together or any of that."

"Do you.. Do you really think that feelings like that work that way? That you can just find somebody else and she'll be all 'hey thanks, this works fine!' and it'll be good for everybody?"

"Hold on. Before you answer that." Kaguya pulls a small device from her jacket pocket, hits a button, and sets it on the table. "Okay go ahead. Because I want a record of this."

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

"I mean... yeah, why couldn't it work like that? Don't record it, though!" He reaches for the device to try to grab it and turn it off if he can.

"My conversations are getting around enough as it is without being recorded to specifically use against me!"

He sighs. "I mean when I met her she was telling me about all these crushes she had at the same time, so she already likes other people! I just want to help her find someone who's available I guess."

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

Kaguya takes back the device and laughs. "Okay, okay. I just wanted to have a real example for 'dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life' on hand ready to show people, you know? Sort of a motivation thing." She taps a couple of buttons, and shows him a screen that--

Okay there's not actually anyway Ivan can read 'recording erased' in Veruni script, but the picture has a big X on it so maybe it comes across anyway.

"...Hmm. Yeah, that's true," Kaguya admits. "She does get into people pretty quickly. I mean, usually like, it's just--it's not transferable. Arranged marriages are one thing, arranged dating is like..." She gestures. "It's weird, unless you're into that kind of thing."

"But okay sure. You know how she obviously feels, that's not a secret. I'll drop the shit, just this once, because this is serious and my painkillers just kicked in."

Pause. "...Why are you looking for her to find someone else? Got a girlfriend, boyfriend back home, fiance, what?"

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

"How is that the stupidest thing anyone ever said to you!" Ivan protests. He slouches with embarrassment as Kaguya explains that you can't do arranged dating. It wasn't going to be like that! He was going to try to be subtle! (When has Ivan ever succeeded in being subtle about anything?)

Why are you looking for her to find someone else?

Ivan... pauses. People barely understand why assassin Ivan can't do regular life things. What reason does guard Ivan have not to do them? Is there even a point in making the distinction with Kaguya?

Maybe he should just pretend he's already with someone like she was guessing? Except then it would get back to Lydia and Lydia wouldn't believe it because she has seen him have a heart attack every time she makes eye contact.

"I'm married... ... to my work," he says, finally. It's one of the closer things he could have said to the truth, even if it makes no sense for the Guard work since Kaguya pretty much knows full well Ivan only takes his Guard duties seriously when someone's directly observing him and the rest of the time he's off on bullshit personal expeditions, some of them that she helps cover for.

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

"Oh it's fine, I'll just transfer her feelings to somebody else!" Kaguya does an Ivan voice except it comes out coming off more like Talia. "C'mon. That's not how anything works!" Pause. "Okay I'll be fair. It's not actually the dumbest thing. I think the dumbest thing is that someone asked me where I put the little man inside my radio that made it talk. But you know, like, excluding people who don't matter."

The layers of deception... can be tricky to manage.

Kaguya lifts an eyebrow at the answer, looking Ivan over a little. "Uh-huh," she says. She considers for a few more moments. Her scrutiny is not always... comfortable. But--

"Heheheh, I just had to take a sec, I realized I was basically being my sister there."

She shakes her head, and picks up a small screwdriver again. "If you really are trying to let her down easy 'cause you don't want to be with her, because you can't juggle her and your work, then I'm gonna tell you that sorry, there's no way to do it. It's gonna suck either way. So if it's not that, and you're just worried it won't work out and you'll hurt her..."

"Well, that'll happen anyway."

"You could try being honest with her about your feelings, life, and circumstances."

Kaguya says this with a completely straight face--and maintains it for about five seconds before she cracks up. It--it's going to be a minute before she stops laughing, actually. She's trying to talk, but it's not quite working.

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

"What's so funny! I already have been! Really honest! Like-- weirdly, horribly honest! I tried to let her down at the very beginning when she tried to give me a cake and somehow we've only been going backwards from there and getting closer instead of further apart...?!" He paces around some more.

"I mean not that we're close! At all! I shouldn't have said that thing about my sins... or invited her to do the treasure hunting thing but it was supposed to be business...! I guess it's all my fault!?" Kaguya may or may not have heard all of this because she may or may not still be laughing.

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

..Kaguya is definitely still laughing through the first part. Cake. Cake, of all things, and then closer, and closer...

She actually has to wipe away a couple of tears and sit back up by the time she finishes. ...They're a little pinker than they should be, actually. Probably not important.

"Okay so I wanna hear this thing about your sins, because that's gotta be great. Are you r--" She stops. She pauses, closes her mouth, decides not to ask someone in the Guard if they're religious.

"Anyway I'm sure it's not all your fault. Like, Lydia is super-cute and tends to be endearing, and is so bad at getting hints that maybe someone's a bad person or whatever. But mostly yeah like--"

"You are apparently really bad at letting somebody down. Was your next idea to give her a parting gift like a diamond ring or something?"

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

Ivan bristles. "No way, I'm not telling you about the sins thing, apparently it has a life of its own and traveled the continent without me, so you'll probably hear it eventually anyway! I'm sure it's in a book or something by now!"

Ivan looks... worryingly called out by the diamond ring thing. HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T GIVE HER A DIAMOND RING.

...BUT HE DID GIVE HER A STAR-SHAPED CHARM. He puts his head in his hands in defeat.

"I did sneak some jewelry into her pocket, what is wrong with me..."

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

"Awww." Kaguya siiiighs dramatically. "Okaaaaay. But yeah you're right I can probably nudge somebody else into giving me the deets." Yes, she says deets. That happens. "That'd be a funny book though. Man, maybe I should write books..."

Ivan does look called-out, doesn't he? Kaguya lifts an eyebrow. In that instant the factoid that she's a hundred and something may come to mind.

"Sorry. I'm gonna call it a terminal case of sap. The only cure is to stick a tap into yourself and leak it out like syrup."

Pause.

"I'm kidding. Don't actually do that, it's not some advanced secret medical technique, you'll just die."

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

"If you're looking for the stupidest thing anyone ever said, that's where you'll probably find it," Ivan says. In the fictional book where he said something about sins. Technically, the original quote attribution would go to Ragnell, but it only took on the full potential for stupidity when Ivan uttered it himself in full seriousness.

"Argh! What am I going to do! I'm not backing away at all! I'm going forward every time I go back! I'm not going anywhere!!"

Kaguya warns him not to literally tap himself for sap, which shows about the level of the impression he's making right now. "All right, well... I won't do that!"

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

"Now I'm real curious. Maybe I should devote some actual spies to this." She's probably kidding. She doesn't have spies. Right? Other than Ivan, anyway. Does he count?

"So there's something we do in science, y'know? When we reach that point. Where no matter what we do, it isn't having the effect we want it to have."

She waits a beat, "Good. Don't. So like, I'm not talking 'try again, but bigger' or 'check to make sure you didn't make a stupid math error. I mean--"

"...Take a break!" Kaguya nods firmly. "You're not getting anywhere; you're not backing off. But, you're not willing to go for it, either. So what if you just have a conversation and don't try to force anything next time?"

Pause. "Or just submit yourself to the inevitable. I mean, I blew up a statue of one of her gods, beat up her friends, recently stabbed one of her co-workers, and sent in my super Golems to help invade a city and in the process killed not only a bunch of soldiers but almost definitely some civilians with the later bombs, and she still keeps coming to hang out."

"But you know. Baby steps. Just try to relax."

"Though I guess I'd be giving you that advice about relaxing anyway, huh? Well it's fine. She's a big girl, she'll live another week without realizing that your sinful ways are inevitably a stain on her pure heart."

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

Ivan squints at Kaguya, contemplating her advice. He's not entirely sure what it would MEAN to take a break, and not try to force anything. Isn't that kind of where these weird encounters where they don't go on a treasure hunt but just kind of hang out are coming from? These encounters seem to be coming closer and closer to Lydia making some kind of definitive move on him. And then what??? ...He isn't sure. It's beyond the boundaries of the universe that he can imagine. Past that point, it's just white noise!

He supposes he'd just... run away? That's really the only option, isn't it?

He's not sure how to relax about it, either. Has he ever relaxed about anything ever?

She'll live another week without realizing that your sinful ways are inevitably a stain on her pure heart.

"Close," Ivan says, with a sigh. "It was 'it's the least I can do to compensate for my sins...' " ...It seems inevitable that she's going to hear it at this point anyway.

<Pose Tracker> Kaguya Alathfar has posed.

Kaguya could tell Ivan what goes beyond that. She's reasonably confident, even. And she's tempted. Oh, she's tempted. But no, no, it wouldn't helpful, and she actually cares, and while being super blunt would be funny...

"...Man," Kaguya says. "I was all prepared to just wait for it. But you really laid it out there. Wow. Just, right there, in everything." She looks--

...Impressed??

"High marks for drama, anyway. Like, I know a lot of girls who'd eat up that kind of broody thing. And then when you insisted it wasn't like that and you didn't want to burden them it'd be even more."

"Anyway nah that's all the shit I'm gonna give you about that line anyway. It's sorta like kicking a puppy to pile on anymore. But seriously--just, relax. Hang out. Talk about mutual interests."

"...Besides, I mean. One of my best days out with Lydia was that time we busted up a bunch of junk in November City with baseball bats with nails in them, and got chased around by the cops and some cool old lady. It was great, I actually threw a watchman. I think I also broke a couple benches."

"But I mean, maybe I'm not the best person to talk to about sins. Because if you read me off a list of all the awful things you've done, I'd probably give you a high five. ...That's a mark of approval in some circles, see."

"I mean, if you're really desperate, you can just take up alcoho..." Kaguya pauses, and frowns. "Oh, yeah. Nevermind. Sorry dude."

<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.

"Aaaah," says Ivan, because what else is there to say at this point! "I know you're kinda bad, and plenty of other people are bad too... or they've seen enough stuff in the world that they could get why I've done what I've done. It's like... everybody gets it!? Or could get it?! And maybe nobody being able to get it was like... just an excuse I thought I'd always have? I just... I don't know anymore! Aaah! I'm going to go find some fiends to smash or something."

And with that, Ivan flees the conversation. ...Good talk??