2019-11-13: Live that Life

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  • Log: Live that Life
  • Cast: Lydia Seren, Riesenlied
  • Where: Dragon Roost Island
  • Date: 13th November 2019
  • Summary: Riesenlied and Lydia recuperate after the battle atop Dragon Roost.

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

Yikes! Things sure spiraled out of control there! Nevertheless, Riesenlied and OS set up 'camp' to allow Kaguya some time to rest before moving her further but ultimately OS is not a very talkative person. They seem happy to sit down by the fire and stare at Kaguya's unconscious body. They don't seem very talkative in general.

But after--after--after some time, OS closes their eyes. They murmur. 'Yes. No. This is negotiable.' Phrases like that, carrying on a one sided conversation but their own contributions are so minute that there isn't really much to garner from their side.

Eventually OS says, 'Very well.'

And their eyes open silver once more. Lydia exhales out a long breath and looks at the bandana she's been holding onto in her hand. She promptly flops to one side and stares at Kaguya. It might seem for a moment that all that has changed is the eye color of the beholder here because they also don't say anything.

"Whether I did the right thing or not... it's not really the question," She says eventually. "I can't, I..."

She pauses.

"...The worst part is the looks." Lydia says. "The 'oh its so tragic', the nervous stammering, the uncertainty where there once was certainty."

She rolls back onto her back.

"Well, whatever."

She seems to be in a mood.

<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.

Riesenlied looks rather exhausted, but she's keeping a stiff upper lip because she knows both of her daughters will need some support after that. She also fusses very gently about OS; cleaning her up further, doing a little spoil here and there and at one point even asking if she wants her little cape if she's cold (despite the fact that Riesenlied seems to always need it even in hot environments).

But she blinks as OS decides on something and--

She looks towards OS. No, not OS... something in her mannerism -- perhaps the flopping -- prompts her to ask, "Lydia?"

She reaches her arms forward, then pushes herself caaarefully out of her wheelchair so she can sit by her on the ground.

"The looks?" she asks. She pats her daughter on the shoulder. "We cannot all be expected to be fully confident at all times..."

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

OS politely declines the cape but does seem to appreciate the clean up, leaning in a little against Riesenlied. They remember to say 'Thank you'. Maybe they recognize that Riesenlied is probably going to need that cape more than they will. Momming the Mom Bomb Omb??

Still, Lydia does eventually come to the forefront. Or at least--

"Who's Lydia?" She asks. "I don't know what a Lydia is. I'm..." She struggles to express her feelings before ultimately settling on, "I'm not a dog, I'm just dog-shaped."

But even if that is so, Lydia is the only identity that she knows or has and she's not sure who she would be without being Lydia but--if you replace something completely with identical parts, are they still the same ship?

She fwumps into Riesenlied. "OS says we're sisters, but where's my say? I didn't ask for this. I never got a choice. It's so stupid, why didn't they let me choose? If it wasn't for their bullshit--"

She exhales. "...But Rachiel's right. Nobody gets to choose this stuff. but how can everybody accept them so easy? But look so -- even when it's me, it's like... like I lost everything. Like everybody's going through the motions but the heart behind it is gone. Maybe I'm just freaking out, I don't know. I can't really say Ethius is wrong either but I can't let him just...take out Kaguya."

<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.

Riesenlied looks down towards Lydia with a patient expression on her face; she has to think a little about her own thoughts, about her own feelings and words on the matter, however.

"I know. It is so difficult because... we did not choose any of this. It was forced upon us."

A pause. A longer pause...

"You helped me out with my own dissociation, you know, Lydia? And I am trying to work through this with my own experience. I might not be stepping the right way, I might not be being fair to you... and I am afraid of that."

She squeezes her a bit harder, hugging her.

"I was never born with a name. I always craved for one. I was just the 'Dragon Unit, Type R, Number One'."

Little Unit, who has a hole where her face is, desperately sifting her hands through a pile of masks. This one? That one?

"And when people gave me names... gave me identities."

A pause.

"And the times where things got so hard I pushed things into an alter. Because Nasrin is still living inside of me, and I wanted to be fairer to her. And at that time you rescued me from Alhazred..."

She looks a bit embarrassed and uncertain, shivering. "Sorry. What I am trying to say, um..."

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

Lydia doesn't really know all the terminology Riesenlied is using and she seems briefly confused, but eventually seems to get what Riesenlied is getting at when her eyes go from faintly cross-eyed to wide-eyed.

"W--woah hold on. OS isn't some... other personality of mine. And...ugghh...just saying that makes it look like I'm lying about my secret other identity that I have and that's why I have the identity and bluh bluh bluh bluh no! OS isn't me. I don't feel like they are me. I am absolutely friggin certain they aren't me. They don't even say they're me. I..."

She flumps backwards. "This isn't disassociation. I mean, if that's what you're getting at. I'm not sure it's what you're getting at or not. I mean, like Nasrin? Nasrin exists because you created her right? But I didn't create OS. Krelian did." She frowns briefly because the other guy who has this issue, well, that suggests something about Id doesn't it?

But Riesenlied hugs her and Lydia is pretty weak to those. She doesn't have the impetus to hug back right now, but her body does relax a little. The talk of Little Unit here, on the other hand, seems to be accepted. Lydia feels a bit more at ease.

"...Yeah I guess... starting out as some project number is something we've got in common." Lydia manages. "... I guess I don't know if that means I'm Lydia or if I should use some name people gave me but... I guess--your name, Riesenlied, right? The one you use now? Is that...like...a name you are proud of or...?"

She tilts her head. "What are you trying to say?"

<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.

Riesenlied hesitates for a moment, as Lydia corrects her.

"I... I know. I know it is not quite the same," Riesenlied expresses. "If that time where I was manipulated by Alhazred had created another identity within me... I feel I would have the same frustrations and angers you have right now too. Just--"

She bites at her lip for a moment. "OS is... they share your body, and you are dormant within that same body when they are active. And if--"

She hitches for a moment. "If I were aggressive to them, if I rejected them, if they take it poorly and try to harm themselves or be more of a danger to others... I might lose you too. I am not explaining this very well."

She hesitates. "I want to be fair to OS to protect you, but in turn that is not very fair to your feelings. It is confusing..."

But Riesenlied backtracks a moment. "I created Nasrin to keep her alive... when I found that she had taken her own life. I was very little, and did not know how to cope with that."

And when Lydia asks about names...

"I feel like... at first, Riesenlied was an identity I clung onto because I wanted to love and appease my father so much. But over time... because of you, because of Noeline, because of Wayside and Janey and Mikaia, I feel I have become more comfortable as Riesenlied. Like I finally started being able to call myself that for my own sake."

She trembles but smiles. "Like the Little Unit in me started being able to wear a mask for her own sake."

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

Lydia laughs and admits, "Yeah when you think about it, it really isn't fair at all. I'm not sure there is a 'fair' way to go about it." She looks down. "...So I guess the question becomes what's a good way to uh... if not be fair...to be as copacetic as possible. So--do you really want to adopt OS too?" She looks up. "Look I--eventually, I don't think I can live life with OS in my body. I'm not sure if there's a solution, but uh--eventually... I'm gonna want them out of me. I want to be in control of my own body. But okay, sure, I don't get to decide who a sister is though. so if OS sees themselves as my sister, your daughter, and you're okay with that--that's okay. I can accept that."

She exhales slowly because it's kind of difficult to think this way for a prolonged period of time. Or even a short period of time. It's like entering negotiations with an entity even Lydia barely understands.

"But... oof. I don't know." She shakes her head. "But I can't keep moping about it. If you're able to handle all this stuff, I should be able to too. That's the simple way to go about it."

She smiles up at Riesenlied. "I'm um. I'm glad you're able to...be proud of it. I guess maybe eventually I can manage that too. Right now, it's just kinda rough, you know?"

<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.

"It is true," Riesenlied admits with that small, very sad smile. "It is difficult for a situation like this to be fair." She pats her on the head for a moment, stroking at her hair. "So please do not think you need to be 'okay' right away, okay? You are hurting a lot more than I can imagine... and I want to be strong for you as your mother."

A pause. "What I do know is that the solution is to stop Krelian before he can hurt anyone else."

But that's going to be a while away. Solaris is mysterious and large; she doesn't even know where it is. But she knows that that is a confrontation that will have to eventually happen.

She listens to Lydia as well, regarding that eventually she doesn't want OS in her body, that she wants to be in control.

"... I know. I do not... know if there is a solution for the two of you either either -- you don't know me as technology mom, no matter how many astronomy books I keep trying to read," she admits bashfully. "But..."

She sucks in a breath. "I do think... if you are okay with it, I want to show her what is good out here. In the way you did for me back when I first arrived in Ignas, when we first met in Adlehyde. Like so many Hyadeans too, their first time into the world. And hopefully, they might come to a similar conclusion."

She looks to Lydia again with another hug, before letting go gently. "That OS might resist their orders because they find the world to be good... well, that is a me kind of resolution to hope for, is it not?"

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

Lydia smiles. "I want to be strong too, like you."

Yes Lydia thinks the frequently frantic horn drooping lady who has trouble moving outside of a wheelchair is 'strong'. Lydia has seen what Riesenlied has done for her people and is both impressed and inspired by it. She wonders if she could do the same for her own one day. And even regardless, Riesenlied has taken all the pain life threw at her and made a lovely life with it.

"Yeah..." She agrees. "And--yeah. We gotta stop him. Probably? I don't even know what he's...trying to do. But I do know if he knows how to do this to people, he can't be the only person who knows about this junk." She gestures with one hand. "So the information's gotta be out there somewhere."

If only the two ghost people in Seven Sages didn't pass on! It'd be so much easier!

"But...yeah. Lets show them what's good out there. And ... I'll try not to let it all get to me. Because you and I've got stuff t'do. RIght?"

She nods. "It's a great hope isn't it?"

She looks to Kaguya. "I guess I hope Kaguya too--I mean, I want her to be able to love this world one day. She used to, you know?"

<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.

"... something OS said bothered me. She said that I 'accelerated' the process by being a 'participant'. I would not put it past Alhazred to have collaborated with someone like Krelian, but I fear I might be being a bit too paranoid..."

Riesenlied bobs her head, horns wiggling for a moment. There it is! The horn wiggle. "But yes, I believe we can find it. And we can find a solution that... would make the both of you happy."

She squeezes Lydia's hand gently. "Mm-hmm. Thank you, Lydia. I would not be nearly as whole of a person as I am now without you, and..."

She looks towards Kaguya as well. "Yes. I promised her I would never give up. I can only pray she does not give out her own hope, with how difficult things are for her..."

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

"But Ethius is right too. She has hurt a lot of people. And--it's also true that sometimes--"

She trails off, shaking her head. "Well, it's not like I wouldn't try to stop her if she was hurting someone in front of me, usually. But she's still family, so--whether it's proper or not--I intend to stand by her. For as long as I can."

She smiles. "Well, you'd have to ask OS about all that. I guess I see some similarities, and I guess I could see those two working together even if Solaris working with the Metal Demons--I just don't see it. But uh--don't worry about it. I don't blame you for anything that happened to me. And I, uh, hope you don't blame me...for anything that happened to you!"

Pause. "Except the good stuff. I'll take blame for that." She grins with her sharp teeth. "And the same goes for you too. I can't imagine the Lydia-Minus-Riesenlied anymore. Heh heh heh..."

<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.

"... I know. It is why I was convinced I wanted to protect both of them," Riesenlied speaks softly. "It is why I had to take a stand at Djose Temple -- even if it upset and hurt her."

She lowers her head. The thought of her path and that of helping people to a path of atonement is difficult, and there are times where she falters, when the hurt and aggrieved do not believe they deserve a second chance...

"Noeline put it best -- that I am trying to fight for love," Riesenlied expresses. "Because a love that will not fight when their loved ones are hurting..."

That is perhaps a weak kind of love, to be certain.

She shakes her head, though, reassuring Lydia, "I do not blame you for anything that happened to me, of course. It has been made clear who we must resist, and keep resisting."

She beams brightly as Lydia says she can't imagine herself without her. "And the same to me too." She leans in and gives her a very light, motherly peck at her hairline, if she'll allow her. "I love you, my daughter."

<Pose Tracker> Lydia Seren has posed.

Lydia doesn't resist any displays of affection. Quite the opposite, shee smiles brightly at the mothering. Sure, if someone else were here, or if Kaguya were awake, she'd probably spaz out way more, but when it's just the two of them? There's nothing really that makes her feel guilty for ... being happy, apparently.

It's strange to be happy considering the circumstances, but sometimes talking tough things out with family makes it easier to bear. Lydia entered this conversation barely able to articulate her feelings and came out of it with a renewed sense of purpose and determination.

"Yeah... It's messy, but I think it's better that way. And your own desires--I think people can see what you're trying to do and even if they don't get every little bit of what you do end up doing--they know it's towards an end they can accept."

She smiles. "Love you too, mom."

And maybe one day, she can figure out a way to live that life herself--instead of just visiting it.