2019-12-15: I Still Have Something to Tell You
- Log: I Still Have Something to Tell You
- Cast: Avril Vent Fleur, Dean Stark, Rebecca Streisand
- Where: Honeysday
- Date: December 15, 2019
- Summary: Avril, at last, speaks to her friends about her deeper fears and concerns.
<Pose Tracker> Avril Vent Fleur has posed. <SoundTracker> Noriyasu Agematsu - I Still Have Something to Tell You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXIQu4ohI6A
Honeysday has more to its offerings than mere fields of vegetables or rows of fruit trees.
There are also fields of flowers. They're not grown on purpose, according to the villagers: the wind and the animals themselves sow them, along with too many weeds to mention. This field is left fallow for a year and then some, after all...
Which means returning it to Filgaia for that season, allowing the dying planet to replenish it anew.
It is allegedly some Baskar tradition around these parts, one that the villagers have clung to for generations even after the local tribes vanished.
This section is clumped with weeds as much as it is with small white and larger purple flowers, their petals dancing slightly in the soft breeze.
She'd asked to go on a walk with her friends after screwing her courage to the sticking place.
She'd led them both here.
Out here -- out in the quiet field returned to the wild -- where is no one else.
"There is something which I need to tell you both," Avril says, coming to a stop at long last. She turns to face them, and there can be no mistaking the look on her face.
She knows -- or thinks she knows -- how they'll react. What they'll say. Indeed, she wants to hear it.
But believing in her friends does little to quell the trepedation in her heart, nonetheless.
<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.
Looking around Honeysday and the surrounding areas, you'd hardly believe that the planet's dying--or that this area is under the control of the Veruni. It's calm, and beautiful, and peaceful, aside from that recent trouble with the Gobs, but they took care of that handily. The Gobs will no doubt still give Honeysday and other nearby towns trouble, but it'll be a lot harder with Drifters defending the area. Maybe they'll even give up and search for different pastures.
'Different,' since it's hard to imagine pastures greener than these. Or whiter, or violeter.
"Wow," Dean breathes as he looks around the overgrown field. "These sure are pretty flowers!" He even also means the weeds. Dean doesn't know the difference, much less why one is bad and the other is good. "No wonder you wanted to take a walk out here, Avril. Hey, have you ever made flower crowns before?"
But Avril comes to a stop, and says she has something to tell them. Dean sobers. She'd mentioned this earlier too, right before she'd collapsed at the Gob hideout, such as they'd made it out of the desecrated shrine. "What is it?"
<Pose Tracker> Rebecca Streisand has posed.
Rebecca has a similar reaction to Dean of the flowers around Honeysday- which is so different from the areas around Capo Bronco, and most of Filgaia she's seen really. "Whoa..."
... at least at first that is. However, she then coughs into a fist, "It's... pretty nice out here I guess."
Rebecca crosses her arms, trying to pretend to be unaffected by the field of flowers and mostly failing. "I mean - she probably wore actual crowns Dean." Rebecca says, "Though a crown of flowers is all we'd have to offer."
There's something in Avril's tone before that struck her when she first invited them out here, and now even moreso with the say she says that. Hearing her say it that way, she uncrosses her arms, allowing them to fall at her side, taking a deep breath, "Must be serious. Whatever it is."
She takes a moment to square herself up, then says quietly, "We're listening."
The way Rebecca figures - there's nothing that Avril can't tell the two of them.
She just hopes she isn't proven wrong.
<Pose Tracker> Avril Vent Fleur has posed.
"A flower crown?" Avril echoes, moments before she reaches the approximate point for which she is headed. "I do not believe so, no."
Under other circumstances, she might have laughed a little at Rebecca's retort to Dean. But right now--
Instead she comes to a stop and curls her fingers into fists at her sides, her gaze lingering first on Dean and then on Rebecca.
"I have come to better understand the sort of person I had been," she says, gazing at her friends. "There can be no mistaking it. I may yet remember nothing, but my body 'recalls' particular feelings and emotions. I know what emotions I felt. What outcomes I desired. What acts I commited. I was..."
She shakes her head, lowering her gaze. "I was no better than the Veruni are now. Perhaps, I had been worse. I do not know."
She lifts her head at last. "You must know this at this point." She pauses, briefly. "You must understand this as well. I..."
She is silent for a long moment, the only sound the distance chattering of birds in the abandoned field.
She glances off, towards the ground.
"I am afraid. I know not what it might mean for me should I recall who I had been."
"...Or whether I will still be 'myself'."
When she opens the door to that power she once had, it feels like she is riding a tiger -- or perhaps a lightning bolt. She thinks herself in control, but is she, really?
Is that part of herself truly only memory and power alone?
At times it even seems to speak to her.
Or, she thinks, reflecting back on Ashley, it almost seems to scream.
<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.
If the circumstances were different, Dean would suggest they try making flower crowns for Avril and for each other. He at least protests to Rebecca, "But flower crowns would be way lighter and easier to wear than regular crowns! Plus they'd look way nicer on her, don't you think?" But Avril has her important something to say, and so that matter gets set aside. He's got to listen to what she has to say. Both of them do.
He's not... really surprised by what she says, either. It's not something he knew, or even suspected, but learning it doesn't surprise him. And, well, before Kaguya, he'd had a very low opinion of the Veruni after seeing what they were doing to people--what they almost did to Chuck, even though he was innocent of any wrongdoing--back at that old mining town. He gets what she's getting at.
"Do you wanna stop?" he asks. "Trying to remember, I mean. It's your memories, after all. If you don't want to remember them anymore, no one else can tell you no."
He can't understand how much those memories, that power, might frighten Avril. That power's alarmed him a few times, too. If she decided she were better off not remembering, even though that was the reason the three of them started traveling together, he'd understand. It's not the ONLY reason, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Rebecca Streisand has posed.
The thought of what Avril looks in either Crown seems to fluster her a little. "I m-mean Dean-! How am I supposed to judge that until I've seen her in both kinds of crowns!"
"..."
'I was no better than the Veruni are now. Perhaps, I had been worse.'
Rebecca has this slow blink of her eyes, as she looks away painfully. Perhaps she does not remember everything that occurred that time between Riesenlied and Ida... but she remembers how it felt.
Her gaze is downcast, and one arm rubs the other with a sense of vulnerability over the statement, uncertainty.
She doesn't say anything as Dean asks his question. Though she doesn't wait for Avril's answer. As she feels there's something she should say before Avril answers.
"I get it." She finally says, and when she opens her eyes the first thing she's looking at are the flowers. "It's not like I didn't guess that it could be like that. And if you're scared..."
It's a hard decision. To say what she feels. Once upon a time she thought maybe being an adult meant swallowing such feelings, sucking it up, pretending not to have them.
Now though, she wonders. What is being an adult if she can't be honest here and now - when Avril is baring her feelings?
"I'm scared too. Though not for the same reasons. I'm scared of the Veruni coming and trying to take you away from us. Far away. I'm not scared that a switch is going to flip and you're going to just... turn back into whoever you were. Even if all those old memories came back - you'd still have these new ones with us right?" She says quietly, as her eyes trace a line back to Avril's, her upper teeth play with her lower lip for a moment.
"I told you once right - that I like you. Even the parts that... I can't see."
Rebecca's not exactly sure what that says about her - given what she guessed before - what Avril is saying now.
Yet all the same, "So whatever you choose Avril - whether you wanna stop - or you wanna keep going until you remember it all. I'll support your decision."
<Pose Tracker> Avril Vent Fleur has posed.
"Perhaps it might depend on the type of flower," Avril muses, regarding the little white flowers below. "I do not think these white ones would suit my hair particularly well." They would vanish against her silvery locks, for starters.
"However, they would suit you, Rebecca."
A few moments of lighter chatter, before all turns grimmer.
Does she want to stop?
At her sides, she curls her fingers inwards towards the palms, hard enough that they both shake for a moment.
"There are times when... I do think that," she murmurs, her voice quiet.
If she could just stop. If she could just carve out a life for herself in this world and live peacefully.
A part of her -- more than a part, she realizes even now, probing these feelings and coming up with a fresh well of them -- wants nothing more than that.
But...
"...But I cannot. Whatever I may risk in regaining my memories, or whatever I might fear... there are those who will use my absent memories against me."
She lifts her head, meeting Rebecca's gaze. The Veruni come to mind, certainly, and they're far from the only ones. There are forces at work in this world that, if they knew who -- what -- she was, her will to live her life as she pleased would be snatched from her.
"And I..."
But it's not the only thing.
The Trial Knight had spoken of it. To hide from a part of herself -- however parted in time and space they may be -- is to tear herself in two.
To quite possibly damn herself.
They've all seen it before, the wages of what comes of a fractured mind.
"..."
It's Rebecca who speaks into this moment, who reminds her that whatever might come of the old memories --
-- These newer memories should still exist, right? They're not nothing.
The person she is now is no hollow echo of what was before.
Her smile does not match the look in her eyes. For a moment, she almost might look like she's about to cry.
"Of course... I-- You're right, Rebecca. What I've experienced until now cannot simply disappear."
Even if she's swallowed up, even if she vanishes, there should be something. Something should remain.
It's not nothing.
"I'm... glad. That you like all those parts of me."
She steps forward then, towards both of her friends. Her hands at her side slowly uncurl.
"I have made up my mind. I will continue. I am..."
She'll continue. Not just because she has no choice--
But because even if she ceases to exist, what she's experienced -- is experiencing -- is real.
"...I am afraid, but I will not be alone."
<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.
"Awww," Dean says when Rebecca and Avril both harsh on his flower crown vibe. "Then maybe Rebecca could have the white flowers and you could try the purple!" It's just as well; they've got a serious talk ahead of them.
Rebecca brings up the fear of the Veruni coming and taking her away. Dean nods slowly. He knows he wouldn't stop fighting to the bitter end to protect Avril, but while they might be close friends, they can't always be in Avril's company. But like Rebecca, he's not scared of her changing into someone recognizable--albeit for a slightly different reason of his own.
He nods when Avril rejects his question and its implied proposition. But Rebecca speaks, and Avril tentatively accepts her words, and Dean smiles. He reaches out for her hand and, if Avril lets him, clasps it in his own. He'll do the same for Rebecca, too, not doubting for an instant that Rebecca and Avril will close the circle.
"I know sometimes your old self pops out. But... it's always when you were angry at people for being bad--trying to break their promises, or hurting your friends," he says. Hurting him in specific, honestly. But he's sure it'd be the same for Rebecca, too. "I think, even if the person you used to be did bad things, she isn't a bad person. She's still you, after all. And even if you *did* do bad things once, you can make up for them! We'll help you." Dean nods to Rebecca in confidence that she'll agree. "So you don't need to be afraid, either. *Because* you're not alone. Even if you remember your old self, I'm sure we'll be friends with her, too."
<Pose Tracker> Rebecca Streisand has posed.
Rebecca reddens when Avril says that they would suit her. And a cat has her tongue for a while. That explains why she can't say anything. Ordinarily she might have found a reason to be irked at Dean saying what he did after - as if by choosing what looks best for both of them, he's not actually making a choice. Or something!
But right now Avril saying that of her supercedes that, as well the image of Avril with purple flowers in her hair. Until eventually she stammers out a reply.
"T-They would complement my hair pretty well I guess... and I admit purple would look pretty swell on Avril."
It doesn't take long for the conversation to turn serious though, and necessity causes her composure to steady itself.
Avril brings up a lot of good points. That there are people ruthless enough to use the holes in her memories, her experiences against her. Mostly though she's just watching her face, trying to discern where she's at in this emotional journey.
Trying to decipher how she feels - in the way that her fingers curl, in the way her eyes look when she's saying certain things.
The moment Avril looks at her, her eyes are there to meet hers, and hidden inside of her mouth is the way those teeth meet her lower lip.
But as Avril says she's glad, something within her eases up, feels... lighter. "Yeah... I do. I'm sure I do." If someone asked her to explain why she does - she's not sure she could answer. Yet there's a certainty in that. As she steps forward, and slides off her glove with her opposite hand, as she clasps Avril's hand with her bare hand.
"Well... guess we can be scared - together."
She emphasizes the word together, as if to emphasize Avril's own point, that she will not be alone - trying to smile at her right now.
Rebecca looks sidelong at Dean, before she says quietly, "Dean's right you know. That's part of why it's easier not to be scared about that for me. Because... that side of you always comes out in a way that feels like... you haven't forgotten us."
She says in agreement, and perhaps it's evidence enough that Dean's optimism has finally started to affect her in what feels like them against the Veruni people - when the odds are so stacked against them. It's either fall into despair, or start to believe in hope. "So... I'm sure that he's right - that even if some things might change." Her hand's grip squeezes fractionally harder, "That that wouldn't."
<Pose Tracker> Avril Vent Fleur has posed.
"Hmm, perhaps so," Avril muses, on the subject of flowers. There is but one obstacle standing in the way of such crowns coming into being, of course--
And that is simply:
"How does one make a crown of flowers?"
Which is a matter that may have to wait for another time.
(Even if the white ones would look splendid in Rebecca's hair, one way or another)
Even if they're willing to stop -- if that's what she wanted -- she knows she can't afford it.
But even if you stripped the risks from the table, even if there were nothing else standing between her and abandoning her quest, there's still this essential drive that runs down to her core.
She has to reclaim her memories. In the same sense that she would not want to break a promise, she cannot falter here either.
...Perhaps because, when she gets right down to it, she has made a promise with herself.
But it doesn't mean that a part of her doesn't want to cut and run, to turn back and seek a quiet, small, every-day life.
"It..." Her gaze drifts sidelong, away from Dean. That's true. It comes out -- she lets it out, now -- because she's furious about a wrong that another has committed.
Because others have caused harm to those she cares about.
It may not have come out in regards to Rebecca, yet, but wouldn't it only be a matter of time...?
It's almost a small surprise when Dean approaches her then, when he reaches for her hand.
But only almost. She reaches for his hand in the same moment.
The same that he reaches for Rebecca's hand, as Rebecca -- sans glove -- reaches for Avril's own.
They can be scared together. "Oh... then, I will not be alone."
They will always be her friends.
"You would... be friends even with the person I used to be..." she murmurs, closing her eyes a moment. "...That is... very like you."
And even if she holds trepidation in her heart, even if she cannot help but fear, she still smiles at him. At her.
At both of them.
"If you will be my friends even if I turn back into who I used to be, then I have nothing to fear, do I?"
And if a small part of her will remain, even if the rest of her is swallowed up.
She smiles, and while there are tears in her eyes...
Perhaps these are tears of happiness rather than sorrow?
"Thank you, both of you."