2020-02-07: My Core Essence
- Log: My Core Essence
- Cast: Xantia, Id
- Where: Damzena Desert
- Date: February 07, 2020
- Summary: Xantia's 'promised day' has come, and she faces off against Id once again. A clash which holds many surprises, for both sides.
=============================<* Damzena Desert *>============================= The Damzena Desert is the northern, less tamed part of Meria Boule. In ages past, Meria Boule had to conquer the region and bring it under its aegis. Now, it is only the scattered large fortresses that suggest the wartorn history of this region. The desert has, in recent years, begun to expand -- much like other deserts across Filgaia. It offers the sorts of dangers that one might expect. Heat and a lack of water mean that the safest way to cross is either Under Traffic or a caravan. Monsters remain a problem, though banditry is rare -- Merian knights see to it that such cannot take hold here. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_gmgvAz8Ks
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"It's soon. You didn't forget, did you?"
An enigmatic message from Xantia, delivered to Fei through Memory Cube. It wasn't meant for him, though. Multiple times over the past few months, Xantia has said to Id, 'Soon. Don't forget.' The first time she said it, it was just after stating her intent to fight him once again. Given that, Id should know upon seeing that first line that this message is for him.
The rest of the message consists only of a time and a location, which is basically the middle of nowhere, in the desert due south of Damzen City. Obviously she'd want to make sure no one else gets caught up in this. And finally, the request, "Delete this message after you read it, okay? I don't want to worry Fei."
This is how Xantia planned this, it seems. For this matter to be just between them, trying to make sure that Fei doesn't have to be the wiser. She doesn't know that Id can just make Fei forget things - she tried to make sure he would take over before Fei reads the rest of that message by using a code phrase.
Thinking things through this much may not seem much like her usual self, but then again... Xantia has changed over time. She puts more thought into things than she used to. Perhaps not about everything she does, but where it comes to things that are important to her, certainly.
And now, Xantia, wearing her Id-inspired armor as usual, is waiting at the appointed time, in the appointed place. The middle of the afternoon in the middle of a desert. Nothing around but sand and various rock formations. She stands perfectly still, head raised slightly, eyes closed. From a distance, she seems relaxed, just standing there taking in the sun.
She is, however, extremely alert. She is quick to open her eyes and turn her head in Id's direction when he approaches, even if he makes no sound in doing so. She doesn't greet him with the usual cheer she displays when she sees him. She doesn't greet him at all. She gets right to the point.
"I admit, I don't know what you're thinking most of the time. But I think you underestimate how much I've learned. About you, and about me."
She crackles her knuckles, and loosens up her muscles with a quick series of stretches. "I tried to get stronger, you know. Tried to develop a new power so strong that even you would have to be impressed. I thought that was the way to convince you I'm strong enough to handle whatever it is you think I can't handle. But now I think I've been going about it all wrong. No matter what I do, I'll never be as strong as you. And that's fine. Even I can't beat you, I can still win."
With a confident smile, she gestures to take a position in front of her. "So, here's how this is gonna go. I'm going to show you what I've learned. Not just by fighting. I'm also going to tell you about the things I've noticed. You can fight back in whatever way you want. If you want me to stop, you're gonna have to beat me, one way or another. Same rules as last time. Make the opponent's shoulders touch the ground for three seconds, or have them give up."
She assumes her usual fighting stance, the smile replaced by a determined expression. "Either way, I want to fight you at your best. So if you're going to do your whole power-up thing, go ahead. I'll wait."
DC: Xantia switches forms to Hopeful Hero Hopeful Xantia!
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Fei reads the message. He sighs quietly. He lowers his head. "I guess...maybe it seems easy for me to do."
He closes his eyes for a moment. And he nods once. "...Okay."
Want me to take it out of your memory, Junior?
Fei shakes his head once and--
Id walks across the desert, shimmering in the searing solar light. He is, as always, in his flight suit, wearing a Death Waitress cap across his head.
He doesn't approach aggressively. He comes to a stop within conversational distance, arms slowly crossing.
"You are stronger than most, Xantia." Id says. "Fei is the one who is weak. Do you think Fei is the sort of person who cares about how strong or weak someone is? Perhaps, but only in so far as it keeps them safe so he doesn't have to carry the oh so painful burden of seeing them suffer and die."
"But suffering and dying is life. It is inevitable." Id says. "Especially for those that grow close to us. It is not our power you need to surpass if you wish to be safe from the burning fates that whirl around us."
"Is fighting us at our 'best' what you desire...?" The red aura crackles around them. "Is that what will satisfy you, Xantia?"
He removes the hat from his head.
"I have noticed you learning. Growing. Seen your other aspects struggle with you."
"Will you wake up, Xantia?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia is blissfully unaware that her little scheme didn't quite work the way that she'd intended, the way she thought things worked. She would've felt bad knowing that Fei read every word of her message. But as things are...
There is a brief flinch in Xantia's expression when Id calls Fei weak. She doesn't say anything to that immediately, allowing Id to say what he has to say, but what she's going to respond to first is already evident.
"You were there when we were talking about Solaris. Well, not there there, but I know you could hear. What Fei said there, about taking the fight to them, it was..." In spite of the seriousness of this moment, Xantia can't help but express with fondness, "...he was pretty cool there, wasn't he?" She clears her throat, going back to her previous tone. "He's not the coward you think he is. Maybe he was, once, but not anymore."
She regards Id as the aura surrounds him, knowing perfectly well what she's up against, but not about to back down. "What will satisfy me... is getting you to acknowledge me. You notice all these things, but you still don't think I can handle all the things you keep telling me about. You keep using words like 'inevitable', as if they're not just excuses for not trying to do anything to change things. Well then you should know..."
She suddenly moves with such speed, it may appear as if she vanished, and instantly reappeared in front of Id. "I intend to make the impossible possible."
She only seeks to deliver a single strike, though it's well-known the damage a well-placed strike with the palm of one's hand can do. Especially this time. During Xantia's most overt struggle with another aspect, she once struck Fei with a blow that directly targeted Id. This is similar - though she's more familiar than most with the limitlessness of the Ether potential she's dealing with, she is yet capable of disrupting the ability to make effective use of it.
Whether the strike lands or not, Id may realize either way - Xantia's request to do his 'power-up thing' was a trick. Disrupting the flow of Ether is much easier while it's actively being tapped into. It can't last, but it can delay. She's trying to draw this battle out, so that she can say everything she has to say.
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Id blinks once as Xantia reveals how Fei was 'cool' when he talked about taking the fight to Solaris. A small grin slowly creeps up the Demon of Elru's face. Xantia moves fast as an instant, sending sand spraying up into the air as she pushes into Id's space. A shift in the ether swirls the sand around Id and sends it spraying for Xantia's eyes. Xantia throws a palm thrust for Id's chest and it--hits an after image, disintegrating it even as the real(?) Id materializes to Xantia's sides. His hands are in his pockets. The sand underneath Xantia bursts out underneath her feet as if a cannonball struck it, threatening to send her up through the sky as if launched by a geyser.
"Now I know you didn't think that was going to work again." Id says. "But let me tell you a little something about how cool Junior's being."
He hops backwards as if he were on the defensive. Even as he moves, Xantia can gain glimpses of more 'other Ids' moving in a blur, mimicking not quite precisely the same movements following after him.
"There's some things I can't talk about, Xantia. You'll learn why I keep aloof eventually." He cocks his head to the right. "But you're forgettin' something about Fei's little moment of courage." He swings a hand forward, beckoning.
"If he knew what happened the last time he spoke like that...Heh, maybe you'd kill us where we stood. Wouldn't keep, but you'd buy some time."
"I see much of myself in you, Xantia." Id continues. "Imprisoned in your own mind by a well meaning old fool. Perhaps they are right to do such things to demons like you and I, but I don't care. When I fully awaken, I wonder what will become of that shadow."
"I don't deny the one you call Fei is getting a little braver, but he is a facade. His core essence remains cowardice."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia has enough time to realize 'he saw through it', but not enough to prevent sand in her eyes and missing the opportunity to keep Id's power level down to something that might start to approach being somewhat manageable. She actually did think she could pull that off again, given enough of an increase in speed. She also knows that she's not getting a chance to try that again.
She notices the sand geyser forming just a fraction of a second too late - she does leap back, but the force of the blast still catches her, causing her to flip end over end, landing face-down in the sand. She shakes her head, seeming groggy, and throws Id a look, eyes red and teary from the sand. It's a bit hard to read how she feels, which isn't usually the case for Xantia. She tends to be far more overt about anger or frustration. Perhaps on some level she expected this result. She spits out some sand before responding, taking her time in getting back up.
"...you think you have all the answers, don't you? You've seen the same things happen so many times that you don't think anything can be different this time, do you?"
She takes a deep breath, remaining knelt down. "I... don't know much about how feelings work. I don't think I completely understand half of what I feel, or what others feel. But I do understand one thing about them now. Sometimes, a feeling can be so strong, that any other feelings are just... overpowered. I know that, when you think about it, it would make sense to be afraid of you, or at least worried about what you might do when you... 'fully awaken'. I don't even know what that means. But I know it wouldn't matter. Nothing you say will get me to stop trying. Not even a little bit. That stuff doesn't matter to me, at all. This other feeling I have is too strong for that."
Suddenly, something very similar happens near Id as just happened near Xantia. It's obvious then why she stayed knelt down for so long. Her hands are pressed to the sand. The way Xantia's Ether works, she needs to be in direct contact with something to affect it. But the ways she can affect things can be extremely powerful. It's the first time she's manifested this ability in quite this way.
When the sand bursts out close to Id, it's formed itself into the shape of a giant fist, solid enough to pack quite the punch. It falls apart immediately after that single attempt, after which Xantia is immediately on her feet again. "What about you, Id? What's your core essence? Is it also cowardice, if you're this afraid to risk taking a chance? To try things my way?"
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Id is impressed with Xantia's growth. She used to be so wild in her own way, so direct. Predictably unpredictable. It doesn't show on his face beyond that faint smile.
"I thought that once. But you've all taught me that it needn't have to be that way. I must admit, I've had to do some rethinking. You have given me hope--heh, you might regret that one day. Maybe not.--but Fei declaring his little war against Solaris. That's the easy part. We'll see how the world is carried, how it turns."
The sand crashes against Id. It SHOULD pack quite the punch. The fist slams into Id hard enough that a shockwave explodes out from Id, a crater shattering underneath his feet that rapidly becomes filled with sand---sand from the fist that shattered upon cleaving itself against Id's body.
"I'd be a fool to not be afraid of them." Id says. "But I am no coward. I am not given that luxury..."
That aura flares up again around him. If he's afraid of Xantia's tremendous power, it doesn't lurk in his yellowed eyes at all as he hovers off the ground.
"You ask me my core essence! Then I tell you, Xantia! Just because it is you! My core essence.....!"
BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Nn_d4gR0Jg
"...Is that of a slave!!"
And then with a snarl of fury, he unleashes a twin pair of large cylindrical crimson blasts for Xantia, one aiming for her position, and another into the air and splitting off into several swirling energy tendrils that chase after Xantia no matter where she might slip off to.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Though she might not have succeeded in obtaining the new power she sought to battle Id with, Xantia's learning to use what she's got in more inventive ways. But that's not what this is really about. She's already said it: she knows she can't beat Id in a straight fight. This is a different kind of fight, which she's prepared for in a different kind of way. She's confident in every word she speaks, no longer intimidated by Id's counter-arguments like she used to be. This kind of fight, too, she's giving everything she has.
Even so, it's easy to tell how happy she is to hear that Id's been given hope. There's no way she'll ever regret that. And she nods when it's said that declaring intentions is the easy part. "But it's an important part. To say what it is you really want. You don't do enough of that. You just talk about your 'role', what you're 'allowed'. Just, forget about all that for a second, what I want to know is what you want."
She stops speaking when she feels a shift in Id's demeanor, shortly followed by shift in the flow of Ether. It's plain to see that he's winding up for something serious. Whatever's coming, she's going to need to be ready to run.
The first blast, the one coming directly at her, is one that she was ready for. Diving aside, she rolls across the sand, and quickly springs back up to her feet, in time to behold the second blast splitting in the air, and coming back down. Xantia grits her teeth, and then comes to a decision. This time, she won't run away.
"Then I'll just have to break your chains!"
BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31CqZn0DzIQ
Xantia breaks into a run, but she doesn't flee from Id's assault. She's running directly at him. Even with energy blasts crashing down all around her, even if Id were to add more into the mix, she's judging the arcs of the incoming attacks perfectly, subconsciously reading the fluctuations in Ether concentration to remain one step ahead, allowing for reaction times that could be rightly called inhuman.
She manages to clear a considerable distance, but there was never any way she was ever going to reach all the way to Id. It's like he said - some things are just inevitable. Eventually, the final energy tendrils all converge on her position, and impact all at once...
...with Xantia's bracer, held up as if to shield herself. This shouldn't work - wouldn't work, without the help of more than a little Ether. And yet, Xantia manages to hold the collected ball of pure energy, until she swings her arm, casting it aside, deflecting the attack meant for her back at Id.
Xantia stumbles after the herculean effort that took, but manages to keep her footing. "...I'm not afraid. I don't care if I'm a fool. I'll make sure they can't hurt the people I care about anymore. Fei. Elly. Emeralda. Lily. Lydia. And... you. I know I don't have to worry about you. But I still do. I don't know the full story between you and Solaris, but... I'll make sure they won't ever be able to have any power over you ever again."
By this point, she's recovered enough to get back into a fighting stance. "If you don't think I can do it, you can test me, as many times as you like!"
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
"I want my freedom. I want my body." Id says simply enough. "You say you will break my chains, heh... Okay. Sure. Let's go with that."
He observes Xantia's own unreal speed, raising an eyebrow as Xantia manages to deflect the beam away from her. He is surprised, but it's still his own ether. He dispels it and the beam dissipates around him. He is playing defensive despite his shouts, focused on protecting his body rather than pummeling Xantia into submission. It's the reverse of the kind of fights he usually engages in of true brutality. Maybe that is his way of saying how he feels about Xantia.
"Not too many years ago, shortly after Elru, someone sealed me away--much in the same way your gramps sealed aspects of yourself away."
"All you have to do to free me is to break that seal." Id says. "But I won't trick you into it, Xantia. Breaking that seal means you will likely never see the Fei you know again."
He doesn't strike at Xantia again.
"Still want to?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia's noticed something is different about the way Id's fighting. But that's alright, good even. It's not like she's been fighting the way she usually does. It was never that kind of battle. It was always about words.
As such, Id doesn't need to strike at Xantia physically. The words hit her hard enough to cause her stance to falter. Choose between Fei and Id? Is that even possible for her?
The answer to that question is... well, it's the same one she always comes to when faced with a choice where neither option is good. "...'likely' isn't the same as 'definitely'." Hope for a third option.
Xantia relaxes her stance entirely, not about to continue the physical fight if Id isn't. If this has been reduced to only words, then she's fine with that. It's what she was prepared for. Not the words themselves so much, but those will flow from her feelings.
"I know you're not lying. You never lie, you just say what you believe. But, I believe there's a way to save everybody. And I'm going to find it. You know why?"
Xantia takes a deep breath, casting her eyes skyward. "We all have times when we feel like things have to be a certain way. Back when I remembered nothing, I felt that way all the time. It was the loneliest I've ever felt. My life would've been miserable if I'd pushed away everyone who wanted to help. So... I'm not letting you do that. Whether you like it or not, I'm always going to be there. And I'll make sure that no matter what happens, you won't have any regrets."
Xantia lowers her eyes to meet Id's. And decides that, as confused by her feelings as she is, she should at least try to explain the full reasons why she's so insistent. And so she continues speaking on this, at length.
"I feel... differently about you than I did before. Have you noticed that? I used to get really excited about seeing you, looking forward to the next time I got to fight you again. But now, when I'm with you, I... I guess I'd describe it as... feeling at peace?"
She shakes her head, not dwelling on the complicated parts. "All I know for sure is that when I'm with you, I feel different than when I'm with anyone else. I think what it really is is that when it's you... I can feel okay with with who I am. I can feel... normal."
Does that sound weird, she wonders. It probably sounded weird. So she continues the attempt at an explanation. "And I think the reason for that is that... you know what it's like. To be so... fundamentally different from everybody else. Knowing that no matter how much people try, they won't ever be able to fully understand how it feels to be... whatever it is you are. How you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. No matter how similar or different we are aside from that, to me, what matters most is..."
"You understand that side of me. And I understand that side of you."
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Id drops down on the ground. That brief surge of anger seems to have faded quickly. Strangely, the demon doesn't seem to be particularly interested in hurting Xantia. "Well, maybe there is one. But I don't see it. I'm not even sure I want to save everyone. Fei isn't sure he wants to save everyone either. But even if we did...heh....well, the happy ending you showed me still ended with us dead." He closes his eyes for a moment and shakes his head. "But maybe it will be you."
"When you met Fei, it was so easy to take over. He didn't even notice it. I had driven him to his lowest point. He begged Elly to end it for him." He takes one step forward. "He resolved himself to do the bare minimum to survive, but then you--then Leon and Lily and Bart--you encouraged him to find his strength again. But you were the first. You taught him that he and Elly were not entirely alone in this world."
Xantia asks if he noticed. Almost uncomfortably, he admits, "I have. You've grown a lot Xantia. You used to be innocent, one who barely knew what words meant. Now, you are on the path to being a master."
He looks up for a bit and adds, "You know what it is like to lose memory, Xantia. Please do not get any closer to me. I do not wish for my memories to be stolen away."
He stares at Xantia for a long while.
Then the presence vanishes in an instant and Fei tumbles to the desert floor.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
As is often the case, Xantia isn't entirely sure that she fully understands what Id's talking about. Not trying or even wanting to save everyone that has even the smallest chance of saving is something that she could quite possibly never understand. It's just not in her nature to not see that as the thing to strive for. She has a brief impulse to question the 'happy ending' bit, because that sure didn't seem to be about her, but she instead shakes her head and smiles. "Only one way to find out."
If she worries about what might happen at all, she's not showing any signs. The power of limitless optimism.
Her expression saddens when hearing about Fei's low point, which she never fully realized the depths of. But she feels that she understands now why that happened, and how Fei managed to recover. "I often think about where strength - not physical strength, true strength - comes from. And now, I think I have an answer. True strength comes from being needed."
What she doesn't have a response for is Id's observations about her. Now she's the one who feels uncomfortable, looking away as she rubs the back of her head. She knows she's changed, that words are coming to her a lot more easily than they used to, but...
Her head turns back sharply when Id speaks those last words. Memories... stolen away? "What...? What do you mean?"
And then, no more Id. Xantia reacts quickly and impulsively, moving to catch Fei before he hits the sand. The words aren't coming to her now. Does Fei know what's going on? How is she going to explain this one?
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Fei is...
Well he's totally passed out. In Xantia's arms, he seems--for the moment--to be at rest. Id has relinquished control. No explanation is going to come--but Xantia may get the idea that that request was for her alone.
More mysteries.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
At least this prevents more awkwardness, when Xantia already has a lot to think about. Scooping Fei up in her arms, she begins to walk, back in the direction of Damzen City. There may not be any real point right now, but still, she feels the need to say something about the way she feels about Fei, as well.
"...I hope you realize how special you are. You're at the center of a lot of people's happiness. And that's why... I'll keep you safe. I want you to return to everybody who needs you, no matter what. So please, let me keep fighting at your side. Let me protect what is precious to so many... what is precious to me."
Though there may be no complaints from Xantia... Damzen sure is quite a ways to have to carry somebody. Thanks a lot, Id.