2020-02-14: Of Changes and Decisions
- Log: Of Changes and Decisions
- Cast: Lily Keil, Xantia
- Where: Sielje Icy Sea
- Date: February 14, 2020
- Summary: Lily and Xantia have a candid heart-to-heart about complicated matters relating to memories, feelings, and the Demon of Elru.
=============================<* Sielje Icy Sea *>============================= Far to the north, the mountainous major and minor islands that make up the Sielje Region are largely covered in snow and ice all year long, and travel by ship in the region must always be wary of roving blocks of ice. Here, the desertification of Filgaia seems terribly far away, but despite the unscarred land there is little life in this harsh locale. What life there is is quite hardy; from great bears and roving herds of other animals to rumors of terrible man-eating snow creatures, none should be underestimated by land or sea. There are some marks of civilization, however; a great bridge whose surface can be raised and lowered by machinery marks the largest structure in the entire region. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_gmgvAz8Ks
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
It is, theoretically, daylight aboard the Karsefni, the black ship that now houses the Wolves' operations at sea. But belowdecks, depending on where you go, that matters a lot less; out on the ocean, Lily Keil happens to be in an old room that was easy enough to use as a lab, tinkering away at some parts from Kattlelox thoughtfully; messing about with rewiring a panel here in specific at the moment, operating by tool and by magic.
She hasn't made a secret of spending a lot of time there when she doesn't have something else to do, so it wouldn't be strange to find her there. She's against the wall at the moment, sitting at a table that gives her a view of the doorway. The panel is obvious, as is a motor on the table nearby, small enough to put into a device. There's a book open on the other side of the panel she's working on, circuitboards and all.
Her hair is up, obviously. And this is where Lily can be found for the moment on this afternoon.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia hasn't been on board the new ship all that much, but that's not a big surprise. She doesn't usually stay in one place for very long; even if that is a place that moves around, it still only counts as one place. Her quarters went rarely used on the Yggdrasil, and her quarters on the Karsefni are much the same. It doubly stands to reason given that she's never been to Aquvy (as far as she knows) and knew little of it. Of course she'd be interested in seeing what everything is like in this new and exciting region.
What time she hasn't spent traveling around has been mostly spent training, having displayed a renewed interest in Getting Stronger, in whatever ways she can. But she naturally hasn't forgotten about her friends. It wouldn't be all that surprising if the timing of her showing up here now was entirely random. Her enthusiasm isn't lacking - Xantia is nearly to running speed as she comes barging into the room.
"Oh, Lily, there you are - oh wow, there's so much more stuff in this room now."
And instantly distracted, looking about at all the... spare parts? They look like spare parts. But only for a moment. Then she looks at Lily again with a smile, and heads onwards to the table. "What's all this about? Does it have anything to do with the things you've remembered about yourself?"
Of course she'd immediately go to the memory and identity-related factor.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily sometimes needs some time farther from civilization, and this one happens to include space for all the junk she's been collecting. Oh, and it's definitely junk. Regardless, she looks up as she hears someone approaching, and looks at Xantia, finding that in point of fact her coming up so quickly entirely tracks.
"There is," Lily agrees about the things laying around, and Xantia in that moment sure does see a lot of spare parts--panels, discarded tools and devices and mechanical thing--but Lily smiles back. It's smaller, it comes with a nod, but then, Lily was always a little more subtle.
"Yes," she answers. "It's just junk, really, but I'm working on learning more about it, seeing what I can put together over time. I thought it was a good way to get in touch with who I was. So far, it seems to be working out."
"Something on your mind?" There's a chair on the other side, not exactly at the table but close enough to use. It only smells a little like motor oil.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"That's great!" Xantia's reaction to getting in touch with one's past self is an immediate positive, who would have guessed. "I'm happy for you, I hope you'll be able to keep learning more and more things!"
She doesn't give much attention to the assorted parts after the initial impression - not so much because she's concluded that it's junk, but because that's not why she's here. It's pretty obvious that she was looking for Lily. Well, to everyone but herself, perhaps, given how surprised she looks when Lily asks if there's something on her mind. Briefly, before she smiles.
"Right, of course you could tell." Because Lily totally needed the ability to sense emotion to be able to tell that much. If by totally you mean not at all.
She can't possibly have missed the chair, but she remains standing directly behind it, rather than sitting down. "I was just wondering about that, actually. How the things you've learned have... affected you. How it makes you feel. If it's..." She pauses, looking pensive. It takes her a bit of time to formulate what's ultimately a simple question, if quite possibly not one with a simple answer.
"Do you feel like you've suddenly changed a lot?"
It probably also doesn't take any kind of special powers to tell that she's not just asking Lily that question.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
"Thanks." Lily of course could indeed tell that it's not why Xantia is here; she doesn't make any real effort to stick with that topic, either, for that reason, though she's hoping the same on that front. ...She thinks. It can be complex on its own, as these topics get, but to all accounts Lily is just pleasantly expectant.
Yeah Lily didn't need that particular ability here at all it's very true. She nods along, and listens through.
"Hmm..." How it... Well, it is a simple question in theory. Lily, though, immediately turns thoughtful--not distant, she's still focused on Xantia, but it takes her some time to formulate a response. What it means for her; what it means for Xantia.
"...Yes, and no," the witch answers, and puts up a hand briefly to forestall too much confusion. "I don't think it's that sudden, but I do feel different from the way I used to be. But I'm not so sure it's because of what I learned as that I learned as much as I have to begin with. There's a lot I don't know... But for a long time, I thought I would just find someone who had the answers, one day--track something down, find some cache of information, get explanations. Now that I have some of that... I know it's not that simple. I'm not going to meet someone who just 'knows' all of it, or who knows enough to tell me. ...No, the people who are old enough to remember didn't know 'me' that well, barring... Well."
"'He' doesn't exactly pass out information freely," Lily says, though Id has told both her and Xantia a few things in the past.
"I'm seeing the things I've done in the past, and I'm thinking about what that means. So yes, I think I've changed, and I think it really solidified recently, all at once. I don't think just 'knowing' has suddenly changed me, so much as that... When you start to see more about yourself, it gives you a lot to think about."
Lily shakes her head, and sets down her tools. "How I feel about it is more complicated. I know now, that I'm not likely to find anyone who just 'knows'. I know I created the thing that... killed my friends, even if it was co-opted to do so. But I have an answer. I have... someone, a name."
"Now it's just a matter of reconciling the now with the then. It's still ongoing. But I think it's inevitable, to change some when you get answers to questions that defined you--inevitable to change over time in any case. I'm very, very different than I was back at the Academy. The question isn't whether you change--it's how you feel about the change, whatever it may be. That's what I would say."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
That's certainly an uncomplicated answer to an uncomplicated question. Well, Xantia did ask, and obviously a truthful answer is important to her. But in the end, it's Xantia. Would she even understand an elaborate answer? Many would have sought to simplify things, make sure she got the gist of it, not worry too much about the details. The fact that Lily does not see the need to do this might seem to others as a failure to understand how Xantia's mind works.
When, in actuality, those who underestimate what Xantia is capable of wrapping her head around are the ones who are wrong.
It doesn't exactly show in her expression. But there are other things. As soon as she realizes that this is going to be an elaborate answer, she quietly lifts the chair from in front and sets it down behind her, sitting down and resting her chin in one hand. She pays very close attention to every word being said.
The mention of 'He' is the first time in this conversation where being able to sense emotions does make a difference. Xantia's expression doesn't change, but there was a sudden spike of... something. A jumble of emotion, not any one distinct feeling, but strong enough to stand out.
The second time this happens, it's easier to tell what Xantia is feeling, also because her expression does change this time. It's when Lily reconfirms that she created the thing that's responsible for so much death among people she cared about. It can't be easy to know that about yourself - Xantia sympathizes with that.
She doesn't interrupt though, waiting until Lily finishes to lean back in her chair. It's a lot to take in. There's at least one thing she feels confident in concluding. "...But you don't regret it. It's better to know than to always keep wondering. Right?"
She can't think of a way to respond other than that. It's not something you can easily respond to. Though she does add, "Thank you, for telling me. I know that wasn't an easy question." Oh, so she did know what she was doing. In fact, "I feel like... I've been asking a lot of complicated questions lately."
She has changed as well, despite being at best a small step closer to figuring out who she used to be. But unlike Lily, she can't begin to put her feelings about it into words. That's part of the reason why she asked. Hearing how someone else feels might help her figure things out for herself, as well. More specifically, her main concern lies in one aspect of it all, which she voices without looking Lily in the eyes.
"Do you ever feel like... you've lost control of yourself?" She turns to Lily then, quickly assuring, "I don't mean, you know, like... what happened before, with me. I just mean... that you're doing things without really knowing why, but you feel very strongly that it's the right thing to do?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily has had the time to learn more about Xantia than many people would assume is there to learn, and part of how she does it is just like this. She knows full well Xantia asked to get an answer, not to get some platitudes that would comprise what could be 'helpful' on their own.
Lily doesn't blink through that initial spike of emotion, but she registers it. She had a feeling that there would be a reaction there, and when she reasons out that it wasn't her own, it all makes sense. But sympathy...
To that, Lily inclines her head once, lets her expression soften briefly in acknowledgement of her friend's feeling there. Once she finishes, and Xantia makes her conclusion, Lily watches her. "Yes. For me, I wanted to know. And I plan to learn the rest, as I'm able. It's something I was looking for for a long time... Maybe to make sense of the ways my life had to be different." But part of that has little to do, she thinks, with her true identity as such. Unless it does. How much does he know?
"You're welcome. If you find it helpful, all the better. But I don't mind discussing it; it's been on my mind a lot."
Lily can be ruthless in her analysis, of situations, of herself, of many things. ...Whether she voices that ruthlessness or not. So it is that Xantia's question, avoiding Lily's eyes, does not avoid that calculating part of the witch's mind.
"Hmm..." She sets her jaw, looking into space and into nothing in particular as she considers it. ...There's a reason, too, she's sure--that Xantia asks this of her, instead of herself directly.
She almost hesitates to answer. Almost.
"...Maybe," she says after a while. "It's sort of like knowing something without knowing why, except it's knowing what to do, not some fact of recall. But that's not the only way I've felt it--the way you're talking about..."
"...I have a very hard time, sometimes, holding back. It was worse when I was younger, though. I'd fixate on something, and have to be reminded to think about the people in the way, who might be hurt by too single-minded an approach. Even now I have to force myself sometimes to show mercy. ...And when I adopt that other form, it's more. But on reflection, I don't think that's what you're asking, either."
"...No, I don't think so. I tend to know quickly if I've lost control of myself. If I lose control completely, my magic goes haywire. It takes a lot of focus not using it, most of the time. There are times when I feel an urge to do something, and I don't know why but I know it's what needs doing--but I still have the choice whether or not to do it. ...Mostly. Some days are harder than others."
"...On the other hand," Lily admits, "I can't say for sure. That sounds like the kind of thing you wouldn't necessarily notice until someone pointed it out to you. Maybe there are things where I'm like that that I can't identify."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia nods in understanding to Lily's response to the conclusion she reached. "I'm glad. That's what I want, too." Is she talking about Lily, or herself? Does she want this for Lily's sake, or her own? Those questions have a much easier answer: Yes.
Once again, she doesn't immediately respond to the answer she gets to her following question. She listens, just as quietly as before, her hands folded under her chin. But there's an undercurrent of agitation, this time. Nothing specific in Lily's reply seems to be triggering it. It may simply be that this is how Xantia's been feeling all along, but only now is it becoming pronounced.
Even so, she starts out speaking calmly enough, with a casual hand gesture. "That first thing you said, doing things without knowing why, without thinking... that's what I've been doing, all the time." Anyone who's spent an extended period of time around Xantia could probably tell that already, but realizing it herself - consciously realizing it, and feeling perturbed by that knowledge, that seems to be a recent development.
She rises from her chair, mulling things over as she walks to one of the room's sides, stopping near the wall. When she turns around, she's already more animated than before. "The second thing - no. I figured out how and when to hold back pretty quickly. That's not the issue with me."
By now it's pretty clear that it's herself that she's really been worried about. That's why she came to Lily - Lily has similar things to worry about, but she always knows the best way to deal with anything, from Xantia's perspective. Not Xantia, who now is clearly broadcasting strong sentiments of doubt as she starts pacing to the opposite side of the room, then back again when she reaches it.
"And oh - I noticed it. I know perfectly well that what I'm doing wouldn't make any sense to, I don't know, maybe anyone. It's like that all the time. People just smile and think 'That's Xantia, she doesn't know what's doing'. And, well, maybe that used to be true. But it's not anymore. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm going to keep doing it. It's not like I can stop myself. I don't even want to stop myself."
Abruptly, she stops pacing and turns to Lily, immediately apologetic. "...Sorry. What am I doing, you have no idea what I'm talking about." Then again. This is Lily. Xantia's expression turns curious as she cants her head. "...Do you?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
An easy answer, and one that doesn't need much more interrogation for the moment. Lily for one is comfortable with that.
Lily speaks as she goes, identifying responses as she goes. It starts calm.... But the first thing. Yes--
"...I see," Lily answers, waiting for Xantia to finish. She watches Xantia pace back and forth, and folds her hands for the moment as she keeps her attention on her.
"...Of course, I mentioned that I understand what it's like--doing things without knowing why. I was doing that for a while myself, in search of answers. I only really stopped after Krosse, and in Spira. When I had to question the reasons I was doing it--when I had to question what it meant, to find the answers I had."
"But before that--I was just trying to find more things that I 'knew' without knowing why. So, I may not know if you mean something in particular by that..."
"...But I know what it is, to know what you're doing, not know why, but still not plan to stop."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
The energy leaves Xantia quickly after that sudden outburst, not so much sitting down again as she just sort of lets herself drop back down into the chair. She's still listening to every word Lily says, but it's with a hunched back and bowed head, assuming a pose that is more fitting for someone who feels unsure about what they should do now.
So, Lily felt that she had to change her approach, to take her time to figure out the meaning behind what she'd learned. But when Xantia questions if this is what she wants to do too, she can give herself no definitive answer. She can only think of when she'd tried to think things over more carefully in the past, and all that really happened is that she started second-guessing herself all the time, not getting anything done. Maybe that's just not an approach that works for her.
Finally sitting up straight again, she brushes the hair that ended up covering her eyes aside, then places a hand on her chest, closing her eyes. She's taking a moment to figure out exactly what she wants to say. Her eyes slowly open, then she begins to speak, faltering slightly, yet confident in every word.
"I'm... not sure if I'm just after 'more' anymore, where it comes to my past. There's things that I want right now that I don't think I need to know any more about my past for. I'm okay just... doing them. Or, sometimes, keeping them. Like you. Or, the Wolves in general. I don't want to be apart from you anymore. I just, I can't. I'll do whatever I have to just so I can keep what I have now."
She pauses there and averts her eyes, bringing her right hand to her mouth. She's biting the nail of her ring finger again. Confidence vanishes into a myriad of emotions - Xantia has absolutely no idea how to feel at this point in time, her voice dropped in volume when she finally looks back to Lily and gets to the heart of the matter.
"...I fought Id again. Well. We fought a little. We talked a lot. And... he told me to stop. To stop trying to get closer to him. That he didn't want his memories taken away."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
It wouldn't be the first time that Lily and Xantia have had different approaches necessary, different things that they needed to do, just like it's not the first time that Lily has seen Xantia uncertain. Golden eyes stay on Xantia as she composes herself, then. And what she says...
Lily by contrast shows little in her expression; she nods, at the matter of staying with them--this much makes sense, is even good. But as Xantia's confidence wanes, what she says of Id...
Lily frowns. "...Keeping what you have now... Most of us would fight for that. That much is far from unusual. But Id..." She hmms lightly, eyes going distant in that way when she's calculating a problem. "Memories? The matter of fighting with Id aside, why would...?"
Lily shakes her head. "That seems like a complicated problem, then. You don't want to do as he asks," Lily presumes. "But, he claims it might harm him in this way, if you keep up what you're doing. I'm glad you were able to talk... But that's a dangerous position for you to be in, and potentially for more than you. Be careful. If you end up actively going against what he wants, you could run into a lot more trouble."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia looks kind of... small, sitting in the chair as she does right now. It's true, this is not the first time Lily has seen Xantia like this. It tend to happen when she feels overwhelmed by things that she doesn't understand. And most of the time, it tends to be Lily that she turns to at times like that. She's just who comes to mind first when in need of somebody who understands complicated things. Doubly so when it comes to complicated things that involve Id.
It's a bit disheartening to hear even Lily say that this is complicated. That probably means there is no obvious best solution. If this is something Xantia will have to decide for herself, then... how is she supposed to know what decision is the right one? Can she make that call, knowing that the wrong one could ruin everything?
Xantia lets out a deep sigh, deflating as she leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I don't care if it's dangerous to me. But if it's dangerous to him..." She closes her eyes, briefly. Then she leans forward again, her elbow hitting the table as she leans on her hand, looking miffed.
"Why does it have to be this way? Just because he has a lot of power, and isn't always able to control himself? That's no reason for anybody to be shut away and forgotten about. That's not fair. Being forced to be lonely like that. I can understand why you'd be mad at everybody for making you go through that."
She looks back to Lily, letting her hand drop onto the table surface. "I don't have your powers. I can't tell what he's feeling. But I'm pretty sure that... he's in pain. All the time. So I can't just.. stop, and leave him to deal with that all by himself. I'm not okay with just leaving things like this. He needs somebody to be there for him. And I, well..." She looks uncertain for a moment. Her emotions are still an absolute mess. But, even so, this kind of feels like a foregone conclusion.
"I want to be that somebody. It just... makes sense for it to be me. Right?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Bits and pieces of machines gleam silently on and around Lily's table, each once part of something that had form and purpose both. They were made for reasons, each one different. ...And Lily and Xantia both sit among them for now. Sure, Xantia looks small, but Lily doesn't really see her as such.
"Right. For you, you can easily make the call about putting yourself in danger."
But why? Xantia's hands drop, and she lays it out there. Uncertain as she might look, there's a certain certainty to the way the conclusion comes, anyway. So Lily is quiet a few more moments after the final question of the moment.
"I can't tell you why it is the way it is. There's a lot I don't know about him. But don't forget how dangerous to the world he's been. You and I talk with him, see something different... but it doesn't mean that the 'Demon of Elru' doesn't exist."
"I can see a logic, in what you're saying. If not you, then who? But what you need to answer for yourself is... Are your wishes more important than his, in this case? You can't help someone who won't accept the help. And his refusal in the end could spell consequences for more than yourself. Be that as it may, I won't tell you not to do it; sometimes someone who needs help resists it. Whatever you do, do it with your eyes open. There may not be a 'right' answer, just the answer you choose."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
The first reaction Xantia has to Lily's words comes immediately after the reminder that no matter what else he may be, Id is also still the Demon of Elru. It's a simple, "I know that." Simple, but underscored by a deep frustration. She dislikes to be reminded because it's such an inconvenient truth.
It kind of ties back to what she was saying earlier. About how she's become painfully aware of the way most others would see things, understands why they see things that way, feels that it makes sense that they feel that way... but not feeling that way herself, at all. She doesn't feel that this makes her wrong, just that it makes her fundamentally different from most people. It's a very lonely feeling. The same kind of loneliness that she sees in Id.
"I don't plan to let him do whatever he wants. That's all the more reason why I have to be there. If he threatens to hurt people again, I'll stop him. If I can't do with words, then I'll do it with my fists."
She's genuinely confident about her ability to do that, it looks like. She should know by now that she can't match his power. But she's gotten him to stop before. She knows she can reach him. She knows he won't kill her. Even though he's literally told her that he'll kill her one day. Just one of his many scare tactics to try and push her away, she's certain of it.
Lily's assessment of her conclusion, though... that prompts her to think. Crossing her arms, and closing her eyes, she lets out a 'hmmm'. Another inconvenient truth to be confronted with. It's very hard to tell how much of this is doing things for Id's sake, and how much of it is for her own sake. Can't it be both equally? When she really thinks about it, she probably wouldn't even be questioning things at all if it wasn't for one thing.
"I'm... worried what he said, about his memories." She opens her eyes, feelings of doubt and sympathy gaining the upper hand again. "He's always talking about his 'role'. How he's 'not allowed' certain things. So... I don't think he doesn't want this. I think he doesn't think he can have this."
She takes a deep breath, resting her head on both hands now as she leans on the table. "This is all so complicated. How can I decide, when there's so much I don't understand?" Her gaze flicks up, Xantia looking Lily directly in the eyes when she asks what sounds like a simple question.
"...How did you decide?"
Of course, nothing in this conversation is simple. Especially when Xantia adds to that question, "Why did you change your mind about following Id?" She wasn't there to see that moment. Id must have told her about it.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Inconvenient truths have a way of falling by the wayside sometimes. Lily knows how single-minded Xantia can be, though. That makes it all the more important to mention it, even if it does feed into what she was saying before. "..."
She'll stop him. Lily remains quiet at that one though. For the moment, anyway. Instead, she waits through. And she's given a question of her own, all of a sudden, her eyes widening slightly in surprise at it being brought up. Not that she shies away from it precisely...
But it's not something voiced, often.
"...So," she said. "I almost didn't," Lily admits. "There are... constraints, on him. It's related to it. He is the way he is, and I don't know exactly how he got that way, but it's more than just being old and frustrated."
"...What happened is that he reminded me that, however many similarities I hold with him, I'm not him. I'm not at the stage, that he is; I have things that he doesn't. Things that giving in just to my anger wouldn't solve. It..."
"...No, I suppose I do know, in a way. It's hard, sometimes. It's hard not to destroy. Hard not to eliminate obstacles, no matter who or what those obstacles are, hard not to take the most extreme solution I can find to be certain."
"But that's it--he reminded me that I still have a lot yet to lose. That while on one level I do want to do it, to just... make it simple... There are other levels on which I'm not willing to pay the price that would be necessary."
"You may end up faced with a choice like that, yourself. The only reason I didn't take it is that he told me this--that I didn't want to, not completely. This moment may be it. I can't answer it for you; our situations aren't identical. But that's how I decided. He showed me what I was really getting into, I guess, helped me see it... and so I stepped back. But it was a near thing. I'd rather you not be faced with a decision quite like that one, if you can help it. It's not a pleasant thing to face, realizing what you're capable of in that way."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia listens calmly, her emotions following suit. It's like that every time. When she can't figure things out about her own situation, it helps to shift the focus to somebody else. It's much easier to support others in whatever they've decided than it is to decide things herself.
She continues leaning on the table, interested in, even fascinated by this story. She only got the basic gist of it, she couldn't make much sense of the whole thing with just that. Hearing Lily tell it, she feels like she can understand how that might happen. It's not exactly the same, but it's similar enough to her own preference to take the direct route in solving whatever problems get in the way.
She's this close to voicing that thought, but wavers, then decides against it. After her feelings on Solaris changed so drastically following what she remembered about them, she isn't completely sure anymore whether or not she'd agree to extreme measures in making sure they stop interfering with Filgaia and its people. Especially since she also knows that they have something to do with Id being the way he is.
No, she decides she'd rather not bring up any of that right now. Instead, she rises from her chair, taking a few steps closer to where Lily is seated, and places her hands on the table. There's not a whole lot of point in lowering her voice when they're the only ones in the room, but somehow it feels right to be a bit more personal about sharing this bit.
"Id said that... he almost ruined you. You know he would never apologize for anything, but... he sounded like he was sorry, about what happened."
She straightens, and resumes talking at her regular volume. "Maybe it's stupid of me, to feel like I understand him at all. I know I'll never understand him completely, I don't think anybody could. But... I still feel like I understand him in the ways that really matter."
She turns away for a moment, considering. Then she turns back to Lily. "I think what I've decided is... I won't make a decision yet, not right now. I'll leave him alone for a bit. Maybe he'll decide to do something on his own that'll make it easier for me. Or something else will happen that'll make me more sure about what I should do. He knows that I don't give up easily. I think he'll understand that's what I'm doing."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily doesn't tell it often, doesn't talk about it all that much, but that doesn't mean she doesn't remember it well--reflect on it often. Lily, too, does have a habit of wanting to take the direct approach. It's just less obvious with her than with Xantia, maybe. Or maybe it's because Lily also has the whole cool and calm demeanor going for her...
With Xantia not voicing it, Lily doesn't respond to it, though. But she looks wry--and maybe a little fond--when Xantia relates Id's words. "Like him, to assume it was him doing it, I think. But I don't think so. I did that myself. He did the opposite, really."
Lily shakes her head. "If it is, then it's the same kind of stupid I have," she says bluntly, and then looks over Xantia. A decision...
"That's probably best," the witch answers her friend. "Patience can do a lot of good with things like this. ...Put another way, he's been the way he is for a long time. A little while going on like he is isn't likely to change things, I think."
"So, waiting, but not giving up. Yeah, good thinking. I hope it becomes clearer to you, soon. And I think... whether he understands in the moment or not, you'll find a way sooner or later to communicate it to him."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia shows a wry smile of her own, perhaps copying Lily subconsciously. "I think anybody would call me crazy saying 'he means well' about the Demon of Elru, but..." She doesn't finish the sentence. She probably doesn't need to.
She's not about to feel bad anyway, about being considered crazy or stupid for these kinds of things. If she's not the only one, even if Lily were to be the only other one, that's all the support she needs to feel that it's a perfectly valid stance.
Either way, making a decision, even if it's technically the absence of one, has removed all tension for the time being - Xantia seems much more like her usual cheerful self when she chuckles and shakes her head. "I'm really bad at patience though! You know that I only remember a few years, this is going to feel like forever to me!" Speaking so lightly about her memory loss sure wouldn't have happened in the past. Proof positive that she's starting to feel that the way things are right now isn't so bad.
Folding her hands behind her back, she nods to her friend, adding more sincerity to her voice. "Thanks, Lily. Talking to you always helps. Sorry for interrupting your, um... tinkering? That's what this is, right? I'll let you get back to that."