2020-04-11: Truth is Rarely Satisfying
- Log: Truth is Rarely Satisfying
- Cast: Xantia, Fei Fong Wong
- Where: Klein Central Ward
- Date: April 11, 2020
- Summary: Following the fruitless search for Xenia, Xantia's convictions start to waver, and she voices her doubts to Fei.
===========================<* Klein Central Ward *>=========================== The central ward of Klein City is dominated by the great, imposing castle of House Klein, black stones with great spires stretching up to the sky atop a high cliff overlooking the rest of the city, with a fine view of the sea far below. But while the fortress could be imposing, it is largely open to the public, the government offices of the city sprawling from within the castle itself into the sprawling buildings that have sprung up somewhat less securely. The bureaucratic machine that oversees most of the trade of Meria Boule with other nations requires a great deal of upkeep, and many industries have sprung up to provide for and cater to the officials and merchants involved in the process. Klein City occupies a notable place at the east coast of Meria Boule, and it is in many ways its gateway to the rest of Filgaia, particularly outside Aquvy. Accordingly it is fairly cosmopolitan, favoring bright fashions and a sophistication that can sometimes grate on those who prefer more straightforward talk and manner. The rocky terrain means people are often closer together than not, but it is not known for its great machinery or production as a rule, even if it is one of the more bustling cities of Meria Boule. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2d8U-CO9E
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
After what she managed to learn in Kattelox, it probably stands to reason that Xantia would have spent some time following up on that. Spending an entire month doing that... well, given that it's Xantia, and related to her past, that may also stand to reason. She's rarely not been gung-ho about that, and she did show an upswing in her motivation for seeking out more clues since returning from Spira. She did check in through the Memory Cube every now and again, though she never mentioned finding out anything noteworthy.
Then one day, the message was different.
"I'm in Klein right now. Probably gonna stay here for a bit."
That came out of nowhere. No real explanation for why she left Kattelox. That might be reason enough for some concern, but also... that was a really terse message. Xantia is a lot of things, but 'terse' is not generally one of these things. Ironically, the more is on her mind, the less she tends to say.
Although she didn't specify, finding Xantia in Klein is easy. If perhaps not by name, then certainly by description. Xantia does tend to leave an impression. The descriptor 'the weird girl who talks to herself' used by one of the locals may stand out as a bit unusual even by her standards, but there's little doubt that she's staying at one of the local inns.
Usually, she would be out and about all day, only returning to sleep. Which would be a while from now, given it's still the middle of the afternoon. But it is the most solid lead there is on her current whereabouts. Perhaps it's worth a shot?
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Klein.....is not Kattelox. Nevertheless, Fei responds to Xantia's message saying he'll drop by later. It's a bit of a walk so it's not like he gets here IMMEDIATELY after the message was sent but he eventually does make it to Klein and after some conversation with the locals, makes his way over to an inn whereupon he orders some brunch and sits down at one of the tables to eat.
Yeah, he wants to check in on his undercover sister from another mister but he's traveled for a while and he needs to get SOMETHING inside of him. He's a hungry guy--maybe not quite able to match Xantia levels of NOM but he still requires an unusual amount of NOM himself compared to the average gent.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
And wouldn't you know it. Fei's barely sat himself down, or--
"Fei? Fei!"
There's Xantia, at the top of the stairs leading to the guest rooms. It's like she has a sixth sense for people she cares about entering her vicinity. Or it's the food. People she cares about who also have food may be particularly easy to locate.
Though she bounds down enthusiastically enough, it's plain to see that something's different about Xantia. She isn't wearing her usual armor. She's got the plainest things ever on: a white t-shirt and white shorts. And that's it, not even any footwear. Although you never know with Xantia, this probably means that she wasn't planning on going anywhere.
There's also the fact that she stops short of a hug and leaves Fei his personal space and his food, staying at a bit of a distance with her hands behind her back. "I wasn't expecting a visit, when'd you get here?"
So she hasn't actually checked her messages in a while, either.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei has a sausage on a tiny fork. He is a hungry guy. He slowly lowers the sausage and smiles at CASUAL Xantia... which is strange enough on its own because pretty much most Xantias are casual Xantias, but this is pretty casual even for Xantia.
"I just arrived. I was going to go up and check on you but thought I should get some food in me first. I'm pretty wiped actually."
He smiles, though, and adds, "Doc's been asking us to look into more stuff lately. Keeps me busy. Which is good! I'd probably just fish all day with Elly if I could get away with it. But there's important things we gotta do, even if it's not exactly how I'd like to be spending my time." He could retire and go fishing forever sure and he'd like to--but he knows that is just the equivalent of plugging his ears and waiting for the end to find him.
"I actually left a message, but I figured if I was gonna get here in time to actually see you I'd better get moving--didn't really check to see if you uh--got the message."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia smiles fondly at Fei's... Fei-ness. She chuckles a bit when he says he'd just be taking it easy all day if people would let him. That's true enough, isn't it? Her smile fades a bit soon after, and she nods, agreeing vaguely, "Yeah... stuff's important."
She is visibly surprised by there having been a message, prompting her to rub the back of her head. "Oh... sorry. I've kind of just... been here."
Definitely not usual Xantia. If there was still any doubt, she suggests, "Well, if you've finished your food, come visit me in my room, okay? We can talk there. I'll leave the door open so you can tell which it is."
And just like that, she's gone. Rushing back up the stairs, almost like running away. There's a lot of un-Xantia-like things here, but the most notable has to be that she didn't take the opportunity to eat something herself while she was down here. And since when has she cared about talking about private things in private?
But, that's where things seem to be at. Xantia does as she said she would, leaving the door to her room open. Not much in there except a simple bed, dresser and closet. No personal possessions in sight in there - her armor must be stashed away in the closet. Xantia goes ahead and sits herself down on her bed, lost in thought in no time. Looks like her solo expedition has given her much to think about.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"You've had a lot on your mind. Don't worry about it." Fei assures Xantia. At least he's pretty understanding of Xantia's situation even if, okay, it feels like every moment he understands Xantia's situation it gets that much more complicated. Maybe he should stop figuring it out and maybe that's when the truth will be revealed--but regardless, he can tell that it's been weighing on her mind. Why shouldn't it?
The sad truth is is that un-Xantialike activity is starting to feel simply like the new Xantia activity. Fei considers his brunch for a bit as he mulls on this before scarfing down the rest, slamming some gella on the table and heading up after Xantia.
"Hey Xan," He says as he slides on up. "Want the door closed?" He keeps a hand on the handle as he steps inside.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
That's a sad truth that hasn't escaped Xantia's notice. Things have been different than they used to be a lot. This is what's prompting many of the doubts that have been plaguing her lately. Everything used to be so simple. Can they still be? Does she want them to be?
She looks up when Fei enters, silently nodding when asked if the door should be closed. Even she's not entirely sure why she cares about privacy all of a sudden. She's not even entirely sure what she's going to say. As is the case so often as of late, her thoughts are muddled. And it's not because of any outside influence, she's certain of that much. It'd almost be easier if it was, if she could blame anyone but herself for things being the way they are.
It takes her a moment, but she eventually lets out a sigh, arriving at what seems like the most sensible thing to mention first. "I didn't find anything. Spent all that time looking, but... nothing. Not even a little hint about where she might have gone after Kattelox."
Which is disappointing, certainly. But it's ultimately not what made her feel this way, not really. That was more in the act of searching itself than the eventual result. She turns to fully face Fei to ask the question that's really on her mind.
"Fei... what am I doing?"
For a moment, it seems as if that isn't anything else following that, that this is just the question she's asking. But after leaving it hanging for a short while, she shakes her head and continues.
"I mean... what am I even expecting to happen? Even if I find answers... are they really going to help me? Is all this really worth it?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei says, "Guess she doesn't want to be found--or at least, not easily found." He sits himself down in a chair after closing the door behind him. He doesn't say anything for a while, just letting Xantia talk. Letting Xantia voice her doubts. The truth is--Fei isn't sure he has an answer for her. Is it even his place to provide an answer? Not really.
And so, it is a bit regretfully, Fei answers the last question first. "I don't know. That's really up to you." It honestly works for the last three total but Fei decides to let THAT hang for a while.
But then he says more, "If you don't want to look for answers, you don't have to. You won't mean anything less to me, or to any of your friends. If you want to, we will still be with you there too. If you want to sort of look sometimes and then not bother other times--we're with you there too. That I can promise."
He sighs a bit and looks to the side. "To be honest, Xan... The truth is rarely satisfying. Usually it's kind of depressing actually. I worry about whether it's all worth it all the time... But the truth doesn't go away if you don't look for it, Xantia. That's the nice and terrible thing about it. Answers do not vanish easily--they may hide themselves better with time but they don't stop existing."
He gestures forward with one hand. "And if you don't find the answers--the answers will often come find you. I can't tell you whether it'll be worth it, or if it'll get you happiness--It probably won't--but it is at least the truth."
He lowers his head. "But I'd be a hypocrite if I said sometimes I didn't just want to let all the mystery be mysteries for a while. If you want a break, we can take a break. If it helps, you're closer now than you were before...even if it would've been nice to get closer, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Fei has Xantia's undivided attention - her eyes don't leave his for even a second. It's pretty obvious how desperate she is for any insight that might help her in figuring out what she wants.
But, as Fei rightly points out, it's not like he can tell her what she wants. It's still up to her in the end. The best she can hope for is help in figuring out what the right choice for her is.
Knowing she has everyone's support either way is comforting, but... it's what comes after that really worries her. There's always the risk of the truth changing things that she would rather have left unchanged. As has gradually been happening already. She only interrupts Fei once, to voice her thoughts on seeking out the truth.
"It's like... a locked door. Simply because it's locked, it makes you more curious about what's behind it, doesn't it? And you have only two options: turn around and walk away, or look for ways to open it. But how can you ever just walk away, when opening it is the only way you'll ever know what's there?" This runs a little deeper than simple curiosity, but that's about the deepest kind of metaphor she can manage.
She looks a bit sad when Fei mentions that sometimes he'd like to just let mysteries be mysteries. She hangs her head slightly when he finishes speaking. "I think... I need to apologise to you."
Turning back to Fei, she rests a hand on her chest, and closes her eyes for a moment. "...I didn't understand the way you felt. How you could possibly not want to know about the past, how you could be happy in the present without that. I think I understand that now."
Opening her eyes, she gives Fei a remorseful look. "I just kept pushing you to keep looking, even though sometimes... sometimes you'd like to just... have things be the way they are. You never pushed me like that. And you're not pushing me now. Because... that's not fair. I've not been fair to you. So... I'm really sorry."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"You can," Fei says. "But it's not easy. And sometimes there's someone on the other side, but.."
He kind of trails off a bit awkwardly, though Xantia mentions--not for the first time either--that she feels she must apologize to him and he quiets down. She says she couldn't understand how he felt and Fei is still quiet there. He lets Xantia get through it all. Honestly, Fei seems a little embarrassed because he feels he has plenty to apologize for too.
"Hey, I shouldn't have lashed out at you back then either." Fei says. "If I had a different life, I'd probably be right there with you, you know?" He smiles, looking down at his own legs. "But...thank you. You're a good woman, Xantia. I never thought you were acting out of malice. You're not that kind of person. I kind of wish--you never had to understand why I was like that, honestly."
He closes his eyes for a while. It's not an easy conversation but... he's still giving that little bit of smile.
"Anyway, what kind of family doesn't get on each other's nerves now and then? I'm glad you're in my life, Xan, and that won't change no matter what answers you find or how long it takes to get them."
He offers Xan a fist (to bump).
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia has half a mind to argue that she deserved the verbal lashings she got for that at the time, but that quickly leads to the mental image of a 'I'm more sorry than you' argument. It may seem a little random that she suddenly giggles while Fei is still talking, but if he could see into her head he'd know that that was really funny to imagine.
That being the case, she doesn't actually argue, instead saying, "Well, I try to be as good as I can be. It's hard when I still don't feel like I completely understand what that means, but I'm doing my best!" She seems to have cheered up a bit, so that's good.
She does return to a more serious tone directly after though, because that's only appropriate for what else she has to say. "But, even if it's difficult, I do want to understand as much as I can. Especially if it helps me understand the people I care about better. Malice or not, I don't ever want to hurt you."
She returns the fist bump with a smile. It's not even painful this time. "Still don't know enough about what family is supposed to be like, but if you say it's normal, I believe you. I'm really happy that I get to be part of yours."
Feeling the anxiety she'd been feeling for the past few days melting away, she lets out a deep sigh, shaking her head. As nice as this is, there's still that nagging feeling in the back of her head. "If only I could focus on just that. But..."
She lets herself fall backwards on the bed, staring at the ceiling for a moment, before raising her head to look at Fei again. "You've wondered before why I sometimes wish I could just be... normal. There's another reason now. Maybe there always has been, and I'm only realizing this one just now."
She raises herself back up fully. "If I was just a normal person, then, well... I wouldn't be able to do the kinds of things I'm doing now, right? If I didn't feel like I could change anything about who I am right now, I'd have no choice but to just... try to accept things as they are, and move on. But, as long as I feel that I have the ability to get back what I lost... well, I have to at least try, right?"
She hops off the bed, staring at the wall for a moment with her hands folded behind her back. "I guess... having this choice makes me feel that I don't have a choice." She looks over her shoulder, smiling faintly. "That's what they call 'irony', isn't it?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Yeah I know this kid who constantly complained about his family but in the end, he loved them so, so much." Fei says. Honestly it's probably healthier than most actual families, but Fei wouldn't give up this lady who forced him out into the rest of the world for anything. Maybe he didn't want it, but maybe he didn't know what he wanted.
Fei understands the feeling of having the ability meaning feeling like you have to. It's gotten him into trouble more than once, so he can hardly blame Xantia for it. "Heh, yeah, I guess it is pretty ironic." He doesn't actually know the definition of irony but it feels right to him, at least in essence.
He stands up now and gives Xantia a hug. Truth is, he misses the simpler days too, but this Xantia here--is also a good Xantia.
They're all good Xantias.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia is all too happy to hug Fei back. She's not even thinking about other Feis right now, only this one. Which is for the best, her brain might explode if she tried to understand just how deep that particular rabbit hole goes.
And hey, she finally figured out what irony means, that's all the more reason to be happy! At least until she inevitably gets it entirely wrong the next time she tries to use the term.
"Thanks for coming to see me, Fei. You always know just when I need you." One day she might notice how easy she makes these things since she couldn't hide her feelings if she tried, but that day is not today.
In any event, when the hug is broken, it's immediately clear how much better she feels now. Because the next thing she says is, "Ugh, I'm sooo hungry, why didn't I eat breakfast? I better go eat five lunches to make up for it."
Now that's the Xantia that everybody knows. The one who not only says she should eat five lunches, but will then proceed to go do literally that.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Well," Fei says, unwilling to call Xantia an open book. "You're honest." That's pretty similar but not quite in Fei's book. He seems relieved that Xantia is doing better. Why DIDN'T Xantia eat breakfast??
"Sounds like a plan. I'm actually still hungry." Fei admits, managing a smile again as he stands up. "I think you'll feel better with some food in you. Or at least, you'll have food in you yeah?"
He is happy for her. And hopefully, come what may, there will be a lot more time to be happy with her too.