2020-07-10: Assuming the Worst is Worse
- Log: Assuming the Worst is Worse
- Cast: Xantia, Lily Keil
- Where: Kattelox City - Downtown
- Date: July 10, 2020
- Summary: Xantia discusses some complicated concerns she has regarding the things she can do with Lily. As is often the case, it's all a matter of perspective...
========================<* Kattelox City - Downtown *>======================== Kattelox City boasts one of the most advanced living standards in Aquvy, comparable to major cities such as those of Guild Galad and Meria Boule. A dense urban sprawl of roads built for automobiles sets it part from other cities in Filgaia, as well as the two-storey townhouses that have become commonplace as the City continues to prosper with its association with the Digger's Guild. Attractions in the Downtown include a Park with nice seating areas, and a library stocked with Aquvian literature over the years. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrCnzkAGRsY
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Once again, Xantia has managed to get herself put out of action for a while after doing something reckless. Much like when Lily last checked up on her after having done Something Strange and passing out afterwards, except this time it was a comparatively simple cause: cracking her ribs upon taking a nasty fall while fighting K.K. Who she of course recklessly charged straight at as soon as she saw them. Maybe her developing some sense of caution was too much of an assumption after all.
Fei was the one who got the actual message of the event this time, and has since checked up on her, only to find Xantia helping out the Kattelox Diggers Guild by clearing out some rubble and Reaverbots as if nothing was wrong. Because nothing is, not anymore - Xantia's quick recovery time evidently extends to the healing of broken bones, as well. Still, she claimed to be taking it easy. Which is true, by her standards.
It's not very difficult to find Xantia in Kattelox at this point. After spending a long time here trying to gather information about Xenia, spending several more weeks here 'taking it easy', and generally being someone who leaves an impression for one reason or another, she's become a pretty familiar face.
Today, she had an appointment at the local hospital, which didn't take too long. A mere ten minutes after her appointment, she's already exiting the building again. She's dressed the way she used to be dressed all the time, but is a rarer sight now: red shirt bearing a white X and denim shorts. She certainly looks healthy and happy enough, taking a moment to do some stretches before continuing on her way. There's no way she'd be bending her waist like that if her ribs were still bothering her at all.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
"Hey there."
Lily greets Xantia from a bench opposite the hospital, rather than going in after her. She's seated, a little paler than usual, if Xantia notices that. She lifts a hand to indicate her location.
Of course Xantia's taking it easy is still running around; this much doesn't surprise Lily. In the same respect, Lily's 'taking it easy' still involves checking up on Xantia, as she herself has had trouble this week after a particularly unfortunate turn in battle involving magic and what she can assume is a feedback loop.
But for now, Lily notices the old form of dress; Lily herself is in black and white, fairly ordinary Drifter attire save for the monochromatic palette. "Everything go well?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia almost has another tumble right there, nearly losing her balance in mid-stretch when she unexpectedly hears a familiar voice. After a bit of flailing, she recovers, and spots Lily evidently for the first time. She's quick to reassume her normal bearing, waving cheerfully. "Lily, hi! I didn't notice you there!"
Bounding right over to the bench, she nods her head in the affirmative. "Yup! They still have trouble believing everything was totally fine so quickly, but, well..." She pats her bare midriff as if to prove it. "It's totally fine. Finally convinced them there was no point to keep the bandages there anymore." Crossing her arms, she pouts a bit as she continues, "I can't help it if I recover three times faster than normal, they didn't need to make such a fuss about it."
Xantia places her arms behind her head. "How about you? How are you feeling?" It's hard to tell whether or not she knows something's up with Lily. Considering past surprises, it probably would be the safer assumption that if there's something out of the ordinary to notice, she would have.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Well, at least Lily hasn't lost her touch when it comes to being sneaky, right?
Lily nods back when Xantia waves, and listens along--noticing her look, for sure. "I imagine they do. People who heal like you are pretty rare. It's good--that's an annoying kind of injury to be stuck with." Granted, Lily generally is one of those people who heals a lot like Xantia, so maybe that's another reason that she doesn't get thrown by it. "I don't visit regular doctors much myself. ...Or at all. Old habits."
Too suspicious not to have any scars as a soldier, for one.
Lily shrugs at that with a shake of her head. "Still trying to take it easy. I don't know if you heard that I've been under the weather. It's not like me to be ill, but so it goes."
"I plan to see Citan about it later on, but needed some air."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia rubs the back of her head when Lily mentions not visiting regular doctors much. "Maybe it would've been smarter not to. It's not like I really needed it. It's just, someone told me I should, and..." She shakes her head, and resumes smiling. "Well, it doesn't matter now. It's all good, I don't have to come back anymore."
Xantia lets out a short chuckle when Lily says 'trying to take it easy'. She doesn't say anything about it, but she's noticed - people usually have 'this is taking it easy?' types of reactions whenever she says that. It feels like it would be much the same for Lily.
While continuing to listen, she seats herself on the bench a short distance from Lily, nodding a bit. "I didn't know, but I could kind of tell. Just, you know. I know what you're like normally." Whatever that's supposed to mean, exactly. Then she lets out another chuckle. "You just said you don't visit regular doctors much. Are you saying Citan isn't a regular doctor?" That... could have been a knowing tone of voice. Xantia might have noticed things about Citan, as well.
After a moment's pause, Xantia folds her hands in her lap. "You know... I think I've figured it out now, how my healing works. Sort of." She turns her head to Lily. "I don't know if it's actually interesting, but... well, I just kind of figure that you're the only one I could really talk to about it, you understand things like this."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
"I'm sure it's fine. It's not a bad idea to get an outside opinion, even if you happen to disturb them a bit in the process." But true that it doesn't matter anymore, at least not for now--Lily is inclined to let it go. ...Much like the laugh--she's a little wry at that, because it is definitely much the same for her.
"I thought you would," Lily says, "Or I might've bothered trying to hide it." Is she kidding? Maybe. ...But only maybe. "Magic issues," Lily explains. But then she looks thoughtful. "Hmm. I guess he is, but he at least knows about Ether, so I don't think of him as much. Or maybe it's because he's more than a doctor."
Lily watches Xantia; not like a hawk or anything, but amiably. So when she mentions her healing... Well, Lily looks a little expectant. "By all means," she says. "I imagine I'll find it more interesting than you might expect."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia nods several times when Lily confirms 'magic issues'. She'd already managed to connect the dots. If there's issues involving Ether, you see the Ether Doctor, and that's Citan. "That's what I thought." After a short pause, she adds, "That's also something I might be able to help with. But I probably shouldn't try, not unless it's reeeeeally necessary."
After all, Lily is well aware of Xantia's ability to make magic issues even worse. There's no way that she would choose to do that when she's in control of herself, but Xantia is understandably afraid of accidentally doing that.
Which actually ties into the subject of healing, in a way. When it's confirmed that Lily is interested in hearing about it, Xantia nods, letting worries about clumsy half-explanations rest and just speaking her mind freely.
"I guess the best way I can put it simply is... I don't heal naturally, not really. I heal actively. And I've kind of suspected that for a while? But now I feel sure about it. That when I really focus on getting better, I'm actually making myself get better faster. Which I pretty much do all the time, because well, I can't just sit around being hurt." Xantia is well aware of being impatient. But who knew that there could be power in impatience?
"But that's not all." Xantia rubs her chin, collecting her thoughts before nodding to herself and continuing. "It's like this... healing itself isn't complicated for me. I just... understand things. I can't explain them, but I understand them. But a human body is complicated. All organic life is. That's what makes healing people not simple for me."
Xantia scrunches up her face, not feeling like she's explaining this very well. She rests an elbow on her leg and her cheek on her palm for a moment. Then she raises her head again, looking more confident.
"Like, compare it to Ether, or magic really, any kind of magic. You know what you can do with magic. All kind of different elements, all kinds of different effects. Whatever you want, as long as you know how. Technology is the same way. It works a certain way, and if you know how it works, you can make it work the same way every time. And if you mess up, well, maybe it'll break or just not work, but that's fine. You can try again until it does." She pauses a moment, staring at her open palm, slowly closing it. "The body is... different. You can't just change something real quick without it affecting a person. At best it'll be really painful. At worst... they could die from the shock. Even... become something else than a person."
Xantia looks at Lily expectantly. "Do you understand? I can't heal organic things the way I can fix technology, or things that are made out of magic. I can only make what's supposed to happen, what the body would normally do, go faster than it normally would. If I use this power any other way, I could..." Her voice drops in volume. "I could do some really bad things."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Xantia's a smart cookie, Lily finds. Minus the cookie part. She picks up on things, whether her demeanor suggests perceptiveness or not. But for trying, "If it becomes necessary, I'll reach out. But I figured I'd try this first."
Lily knows Xantia's fear there--and it's not an impractical one. Considering.
So Lily listens; she listens about healing actively not passively, and what's complicated and not. "You're explaining better than you think," Lily eventually comments at that expectant look. "Or maybe I already understand what you mean. It's interesting... That you have that natural knowledge--that you can prompt the body to do as it should. But is it 'can't?' I wonder that. It sounds like you're afraid of what would be the case if you could--of the things you could do, if you could cause the body to heal 'wrong.'"
"...Which is fair; doing that is ugly, at best. The way I heal, it's not... natural, like what you're describing. I force the body to take the state I will it to. I can do exactly what you're worrying. I've learned a method that works with the body more... But it's not the default for me."
"You don't have to use your power that way. Some things that we can do... we don't, for whatever reason. And that's fine. This... transformative power, you fear--it's not something you have to draw on. It's your choice."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
I'm sure we can all agree that Xantia not being a cookie is for the best. It's hard enough to stop her from eating everything in sight, imagine the restraint that would take.
Xantia is genuinely and pleasantly surprised to hear that she managed to explain that alright. It's a difficult thing to put into words. You can't just say things like 'I don't know what I'm doing, but I understand what I'm doing'. Even if that description feels accurate, even Xantia wouldn't claim that makes any sense.
She looks away, however, when confronted on her phrasing of 'can't'. She doesn't really need to say anything - it's obvious enough from that reaction that she meant 'can't' in exactly the way that Lily is describing. In fact, she can now imagine a great number of ways in which the body could be altered. It's frightening enough to think of causing them to happen by accident. But far more so to think of doing them intentionally.
She casts a surprised look to Lily when she learns that this is basically what Lily has been doing all along. The overt worry slowly drains away when Lily explains further, and she nods. "I... guess you'd understand your own body best." But using her own power that way, she's clearly not ready to try that.
Abruptly, Xantia gets up from the bench. She takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, then looks over her shoulder to Lily with a faint smile. "...I guess it was just more reassuring to think of it as 'can't'. After all, if I could, if this was something I might have been able to do all this time... I could have saved more people."
She grimaces, then whirls about. "But how could I possibly take that risk? I don't want anybody to suffer, especially not because of me! If I did that, I'd--"
She falls silent, briefly bringing her right hand to her face and biting the nail of her ring finger. When she drops her hand back down, she appears calmer, but not any less upset. "...I'm suddenly thinking of all these specific examples of what I could do. And I just keep asking myself, why can I do things like that? Why would anybody have this kind of power?" She turns her briefly averted eyes back to look Lily straight in the eyes.
"I could transform someone's blood. Just by touching them. I could turn it into something that can't transport oxygen. Why is that something I know about? Why would anybody need to know something like that?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Definitely.
Maybe, though, someone else wouldn't have gotten that explanation--but the simple truth is that Lily has similar feelings and capabilities at times herself. Sometimes she knows she can do something, or knows something, but not why. The conscious, the subconscious... it is mysterious.
"It's part of why I studied to become a medic," Lily admits. "So that I could better understand the body, to avoid problems like what you're describing. It took time to learn to effectively heal others beyond very minor benefits." But Lily doesn't think Xantia needs to try it yet.
She actually smiles back, and shakes her head. "Could have, but not knowing what you were doing, you could've instead harmed them. You don't have to feel guilt for not using a power you didn't understand."
But Lily looks thoughtful--Xantia is upset, and Lily has to stop and consider a real answer, not just give something from her instincts. So, she looks right back into Xantia's eyes in silence for a little while--and Xantia can see the surprise in her expression at the example she uses.
"Mm..." She nods, after a moment, though she doesn't look away. "...Many powers and tools that are necessary to save life can also destroy it. It's possible that it's something like that--that it's an incidental capability, because the 'proper' use happens to let you do that too. For instance--too much oxygen can actually be harmful. Being able to change a body with such specificity as you're talking about could be used to heal as well as to harm. ...But if you thought it was that simple, I don't think you'd be as worried as you are."
"But frankly I don't know why you have such refined ability there, or the expertise to use it. I can only guess--maybe in your past you were a researcher of some kind yourself, or else assisting one with your power. Or maybe it's a power that was designed to do harm... Though frankly, there are much more direct and simpler ways of hurting someone, so I doubt that."
Lily lifts her hand, and focuses--and then winces, as nothing happens. "...Ah," she says. "Sorry. Habit." She shakes her head. "Anyway my point is... 'Why' is an important question, and I don't think you should stop seeking it out. But there are good as well as bad reasons it's possible. You shouldn't jump to conclusions on too little data."
"...Cold comfort, I'm sure. Uncertainty isn't something you like dealing with, I know. But I think in this case, assuming the worst would be worse, rather than better, than being unsure."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It must be obvious to Lily more than anyone at this point - though you'd never think so to look at her, Xantia is quite frequently beating herself up over one thing or another. More often than not, it's about something that she's done, or can do, or could have done, or could potentially do. And that usually relates back to not knowing the reasons for it. Concerns about the kind of person she once was, fears about what kind of person she would become if she did know the reasons.
It's no coincidence that she ends up confiding in Lily about these things. Their situations are similar. There's a lot that Lily doesn't know about her powers either. But to Xantia, it feels like Lily has a much better grasp on what everything means. Regardless of whether it's based on fact or conjecture, having an explanation, any explanation, must be better than constantly having to ask 'why' and coming up with nothing.
She is not disappointed in that regard this time, either. Lily already touches on something that Xantia never considered when she explains about becoming a medic, and expounds further on it with a hypothetical profession for Xantia in which that same thing would make sense. Needing to know what is possible, so that it can be avoided.
It feels like such a simple thing, in hindsight. Enough so that Xantia actually starts laughing when Lily makes it clear that she was assuming the worst. She's laughing at herself more than anything. It takes her a moment before she can manage to actually respond verbally.
"That's what I was doing? I didn't think there was any way to think about it except as something bad! Wow, I just... wow. I feel silly now."
There are a few after-chuckles as Xantia sits herself back down, shaking her head. After fully recomposing, she turns back to Lily with a smile. "Thank you for that. I just... I didn't see the possibilities. I was so sure this had to mean I'm some kind of monster." She pauses, then puts both of her hands on the one Lily raised earlier. "Don't worry. I'll never stop asking why. But I'll try to assume less. And believe me, if I find out that I did used to be somebody that I can't agree with anymore now, I won't become that person again."
With that, she lets go of Lily's hand, a bit awkwardly. "...Sorry. I know you don't like that."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
They are similar--and Lily does perhaps understand Xantia better than most, at this point. It's kind of inevitable, after enough of these sorts of talks... which sometimes give Lily herself a new perspective on matters. This one may, too...
Xantia laughs, and Lily smiles faintly at her. It's fine, that it takes a moment to reply--Lily is willing to wait for that. Laughter is a much better reaction than the shapeless worry that was present before.
"It's harder to see a lot of possibilities when you're in the middle of something," Lily says, and doesn't take back her hand when Xantia places hers on it. She glances, there and back, and curls her finger. "Good. I think you'll be happier that way, and..."
"Maybe that's how I should look at it, too. I don't have to repeat my past self's errors, if errors they are." She pauses, after that, as Xantia lets go her hand--it's a little colder than usual, her skin, a little weaker-feeling. But that would make sense.
"It's all right. I know how important touch is for a lot of people--a little here and there isn't a problem." She smiles back again. It's a small one, but it is there. "So don't worry about it. You feeling a bit better?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It doesn't generally feel to Xantia that these talks are helping anybody but herself - any sign that this is the case is very welcome. Seeing someone smile in reaction is one thing, but when Lily speaks of her own past self, Xantia is especially quick to chime in.
"Of course! Why would you stop wanting the things you want now just because you used to want different things? It's important to know, but it doesn't change who you are, right?"
It took some time for Xantia to gain that perspective on the matter. The days where all she wanted was to be whatever her original self was again are long gone. She values many things she has now far too much to even consider giving them up. Lily's friendship is absolutely one of those things.
Though she looked about to immediately respond after Lily's remark on the importance of touch, Xantia thinks for a moment first, then shrugs. "I don't actually know what makes me do that. I guess I just do it when it feels right." Her bright smile returns in short order. "I'm much better, thanks! Now you just need to get better. You feel cold, that's no good. I hope Citan can help you with that. If not... well, I can make my hand really warm, if you don't mind holding it some more."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
"It's simple when you put it that way," Lily answers, and maybe that's enough indication that it does help. "I should've thought of that myself."
Lily remembers those days--and the reasons Xantia rejected that particular wish. How would it have gone, had Xantia decided otherwise? Would they be friends again, or would that have never returned? ...Would it be the same Xantia? Questions Lily doesn't ask.
"I think that's true of most people," Lily replies about touch. "But I'm glad. I'm..." Lily considers. "Cold, hm? Well, I'll mention it to him. Thank you. ...I'm okay for just now, though--I don't really feel so cold."
"Thanks, though. I appreciate it."