2020-07-16: Finding the Origin

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  • Log: Finding the Origin
  • Cast: Leah Sadalbari, Loren Voss
  • Where: Damzena Desert
  • Date: July 16, 2020
  • Summary: To understand something, you must find from whence it came.

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

One day, Leah Sadalbari will officially requisition her own office on this base. Today is not that day; she's put out the local commander again by using his, and currently sits behind the desk, robotic hands folded together in front of her as she leans slightly back into the chair. She is, at present, listening. The boring little formalities ahve already been taken care of, and at current she has just finished hearing a detailed report on something that wasn't terribly interesting in the first place but nevertheless needed saying.

The office is clear; the cameras are actually on, for once. And her single blue eye is on one Loren Voss, currently reporting to her at her direction.

"And the matter you said also needed my attention?" the Major prompts.

She has not been friendly or unfriendly; she has been business. For now.

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    He had known, at some point, he would be speaking to her about a great deal many things.

    Whether or not he wanted to talk to her about this was out of the question -- if he even had the personal luxury of ignoring what was happening to him anymore. No, at some point, he had to talk to Leah Sadalbari and see if it wasn't possible to figure out some sort of cure, some sort of fix.

    Before it's too late.

    But before any of that...

    ...there is more pressing business.

    In uniform, he stands before her desk, and nods once.

    "Yes. I opted to omit it from the formal report because its nature is unusual. Maybe even preposterous. But after observing Lefanu over several weeks, I have reason to believe that Odessa has in their ranks a vampire. ...I watched her personally recover from a broken neck, Major. In addition, she shuns sunlight and demonstrates fiendish strength. While I am loathe to compare these traits to Lamb stories, the similarities are difficult to ignore. ...I cannot prove that she consumes blood," he adds, glancing down at her desk for a moment, "but I do not think these are the traits of a normal surfacedweller."

    With anyone else, he would have assumed -- even here -- that she'd dismiss it out of hand. But...

    Major Sadalbari knows a great many things.
    He hasn't forgotten. Not entirely.

    She is a Watcher.

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

It was inevitable. It is inevitable. But the Watcher is also patient, and interested in this supposedly vital matter. One omitted from the formal report...

The Major's expression is even through the explanation, but there is a slight glimmer of interest in her eye. It's known after all that she has an interest in Lamb legendry and religion. So this...

"A vampire," Leah says, rolling it over in her mind a little, considering. Loren's words; how reliable she finds them to be; the stories she's heard. "The lambs have long told stories of vampires, particularly their 'Crimson Nobles', a euphemistic term for a certain subset of that group."

"That's very interesting. We know that Odessa has a great many unusual things at their disposal, but this one is new. And this 'vampire', she has some authority." Not the leader, naturally, or a member of Cocytus, and yet... Notable.

"Good work. This will be of interest to the Interior Ministry."

"Setting the Black Wolves and Odessa against one another is exactly the sort of plan that suits the strategy we're employing at the moment, meanwhile. This much is good."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    "Yes. I read about them once I returned." Because he certainly hadn't heard about them prior -- his reading choices in Etrenank and on the surface had been selective, and he certainly hadn't encountered much of the rumors about the Crimson Nobles...

    ...Maybe it was just the sorts of books they had been, but it was difficult to compare the sort of person that Lefanu had been to the sort of person these 'nobles' allegedly were. But, apparently--

    They're only one type of vampire.

    When it comes to Lefanu...

    "Yes. She was heading up a squad that appears to have had significant successes. I suspect we may need to deal with her in the coming months."

    Unless the Black Wolves do it for them. A proposition that he cannot -- at this time -- be certain of.

    "...Thank you, Major. I am glad to have been of service in mitigating regional instability."

    He, too, is aware of the camera on the wall.
    Loren is on his very best behavior today.

    "...Will that be all, Major?"

    He knows what's coming.

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

There are many things that even the Watcher does not know, but she is aware of a number of legends. She has done rather more reading on that subject than most. In part because of her position... In part.

But not generally those books.

"It's possible. We'll have to look into the legends for some ideas, I suspect. If she can easily recover from a broken neck, I doubt it's as simple as ordinary violence to remove her. ...If she needs removal."

Which she may not. Particularly given the new development with the Wolves. If it pans out.

"It will be noted in your file," the Major replies. And then--there is his question. Will that be all?

"You're aware that there is another matter that requires discussion," she answers simply, lowering her hands as if to do away with the interference. He knows what's coming, and she knows that he knows.

"So go on. Progress report."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    'If she requires removal'.

    The open question -- why she wouldn't require removal -- may be written clearly enough on his face that actually saying as much is unneccessary. As it is...

    As it is, there is another matter that requires discussion.

    That's right. It's himself.

    Loren glances the once at her, then in the direction that he thinks the camera might be. For a few seconds more, he hesitates.

    Then his shoulders sag. "I... don't remember any of the things you said I lost." His hands clench into fists at his sides, as if in memory of that. He glances away.

    "Is it... could it be biological?" If it were, he can't believe it would be so neat. An entire part of his past is all but gone from him, and try as he might, he can't recall more than tatters. If it were biological, it would have to be more than just 'this'. ...Right? The odds of it being so precise are...

    "...I don't think that someone drugged me." Again, it's too clean for that. A drug is a blunt instrument when it comes to memories.

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

Oh, saying it is definitely unnecessary. So, it would appear, is answering it--the Major doesn't bother for the moment. Maybe she would, under other circumstances... But not in these, it would seem. Her hard gaze remains on him.

Is the camera on? It looks like it is, anyway. But the Major is still speaking fairly freely.

"Depending on what we consider to be biological, it's possible. I don't sense an Etheric effect, and I also don't think someone's drugged you--if it had been during your cover or while off of your cover, no one would have the access to do so consistently. But as I said, I don't sense any Etheric effect."

"It would be an extreme coincidence if you'd happened only to forget those memories. It would be an extremely delayed traumatic response if it were based on the original mental difficulty to begin with. So I'm beginning to work with a theory. But in order to confirm it, I'll need to confirm something with you."

"Exactly how uncomfortable are you with keeping in mind what I have told you is the truth? When you dwell upon it, what do you feel?"

"In particular, the emergence of this 'vampire' puts me in mind of certain potentials in the world."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    Is the camera on? Will she, again, have to do away with someone?

    That, in and of itself, casts an unhappy pall across the medical officer. It's no secret that most of his fellows don't really like him much (at least, to his point of view) but it doesn't mean that he is at all fine and dandy with them getting killed to protect a secret.

    Particularly his secret. Particularly his secret that he's already selfishly concealing, with the Major's help.

    But it isn't as if he can stop her.
    And in the end, isn't it convenient, that this thing that he can't/won't stop ends up benefitting him...?

    "It would have... had to have been before."

    He pauses, then considers his own reality.

    "I think." His expression breaks into unhappy realization. "...I can't even know when, can I? It's always been..."

    When he thinks back, there are gaps, yes, but it's as if they've always been.

    "Has anything happened, recently? To me, I mean. I reviewed my own medical records, but there isn't much out of the ordinary." A few points where he needed serious medical attention, but he still remembers--

    Well, no.

    "There was... an incident in Lunar. With Azazel." He knows this because he saw the medical records regarding. He looks at the Major, stares into her single eye. "I don't remember it. I don't even remember recovering from it. But it's in my files."

    So it must have happened... right?

    Maybe--

    Major Sadalbari, though, says she has a theory.

    "..."

    He's silent for a moment. His gaze skims down to her desk, then to the floor. "..."

    He doesn't lift his head. "If... if the evidence wasn't... here," and he spreads out both his hands. Even in gloves, his meaning is clear. His body is unmarked.

    "...I still couldn't believe it. Even knowing what you said. Even if there are parts of my memories that, the more I think about them, don't make sense. It... feels like I'm trying to hold water in a net. It washes right through."

    He still doesn't look at her. He can't look at her. His brother's wife...
    He doesn't remember.

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

The Major continues, not answering this question or others--but then...

It could be that some or all of this present moment is quite intentional. It is certain that she did not simply neglect the matter.

But the reality? "You wouldn't know when it changed," the Major agrees. 'Always', to his mind. Similarly, he can conirm that it isn't in the medical record. But in Lunar...

"We know that Azazel is capable of infecting and interfering with the mind. However... This particular change of memory does not match his other activities. His effects are rather more phantasmagorical, wouldn't you agree? As a rule."

She has considered that, naturally, he could be a factor. But...

Leah nods, at that; she looks at Loren without the same hardened cast that has become normal. It is almost normal. But perhaps instead it's an expression of interest.

"Yes, I thought not." He doesn't look at her; he thus misses the more human expression in her eye for that moment, perhaps. It's just as well; her voice is all business again. "Water in a net. Yes, that's consistent with my theory. I beleive that your issue is not in the past, but one that is ongoing--that is to say, that you are currently under an effect interfering with the natural order of your mind."

"I do not believe it to be Azazel's work--therefore we must consider what other situations you've encountered with the capability to affect the mind. Let us for now ignore the matter of timing--the effect appears to have worsened over time, so we cannot or certain identify a 'when.' This is important."

"Are there any such places, persons, or things that you recall?"

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    There's just one problem with the assumption that it has something to do with Azazel--

    "No, but..." Loren begins, glancing back up at Leah and slowly shaking his head. "I can't think of anything else that would have..."

    But it doesn't fit.
    And while he can barely remember the last encounter he knows he had with Azazel, he can still dredge up enough of the scenario to compare it to his own, and the details don't all fit.
    He remembers running through Azazel with a broken-off length of pipe. That hadn't been real. He'd run away after. What had followed -- what he remembers of that -- also hadn't been real. There had been a demarcation between illusion and reality.

    He can't tell one thing from the next anymore without applying cold logic to it, and constantly.

    "..." He glances away. He might not say anything, but perhaps the Major can make an assessment enough from the fact that there's no further rebuttal.

    Water in a net. Something that cannot be captured, but slips on through. Even the trailing fragments of his memory cannot be grasped.

    "So... it's a curse," he says, closing his eyes. It's a curse. It's a curse. It's the curse he's always expected--
    ...'Always expected'? Why does he think of it like that?

    Ignore the when, she says. It's gotten worse over time. Therefore...

    He opens his eyes and lifts his head, gazing at her. Or past her, really. "I can't..." he starts to protest, only to wince, perhaps, at the expression on her face.

    There is no 'can't'. He has to try.
    Or he might as well give up and go home, and save everyone else the trouble of... him, functionally.

    And if anything lights a fire under him, it's that thought.

    "Azazel, but... no, you don't think it was him. In Spira... I don't think anything happened then. Was it earlier? ...Major, what if I can't remember it anymore?"

    Both hands tighten into fists at that thought. If-- that's so, then he really has no hope. He closes his eyes, screwing up his face with the intensity of it. Not Elru. Not anything in the Photosphere. Not even the Cradle. "There was... Malevolence in the Cradle. Something happened there, but I don't..."

    It wasn't something new.

    "...Before that. It had to be before that."

    Lunar? But that had been Malevolence -- no surprises there. Azazel, apparently. More gaps that his awareness finds and skims away from. It doesn't want to look. It doesn't want to see. "I don't... think anything else happened on Lunar." He staggers a moment, as if he were bearing a heavy weight.

    And before that?

    "There was... Krosse. A Domain. But..." It's just more Malevolence. It wasn't then, was it?

    "Before that it was Wayside. I got stranded out there for a while after the business with the 'Primarch'," he says, then grimaces. "Major Yugh had to help me bail out afterwards. But... even before we encountered it there..."

    He pauses for a moment, a distorted flash of a recollection unveiling itself before his mind's eye.

    a great blue-white light in the center of a grotesque mass
    He couldn't look away.
    He had stared into it
    He couldn't look away.

    Slowly, his hands shaking, he lifts them to clutch at his temples and grits his teeth as if pained.

    "There was..." he manages to utter, "an exposed Leyline..."

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

'Can't', Loren says at first. Leah does not allow this to dissuade her. She knows, full well, that there is much beyond the word 'can't' in a person, often far more than that person may realize. This is one of those times. So yes, she takes the fact that there is no further rebuttal as a dismissal of that line of inquiry for now, as she intended.

'Can't' once more. She listens past this confirmation of a 'curse', and indeed now he sees it too, in her face--he must go further.

Leah's single blue eye stares unblinking as Loren finds a fire and goes over possibilities. Azazel; Spira; nothing.

"Keep trying," the Major prompts instead of answering what if. 'What if' is a killer of its own. Something happened... but not something new. Before, before, an insistent gaze finds, Watching as Loren finds these gaps. As he finds what brings them. But it wasn't Malevolence, it was...

"There," Leah says, a gleam in that blue eye. "The Hadal Temple," Leah confirms, now that Loren's hands shake, his teeth grit. "From the reports it is the only answer I can see, but I needed to see if you were capable of finding it. Now, this reaction, this pain and difficulty, they confirm it for me. This is the source of your difficulty."

"The Ley power there had many strange effects, no doubt influenced as well by the presence of this 'Primarch' of Muse. ...Muse, as you may know, is the surfacer terminology for Water elemental power."

"'Holding water in a net', you said."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    The Hadal Temple.

    The place where this all started.

    Loren hisses out a breath between his teeth, jerking his head to the left twice nearly spasmodically as he... struggles. Against what is unclear -- the hold on him? The memory itself, long since drowned into the depths of his psyche and lost beneath the surface?

    But he does not at first answer answer the Major's assessment of the cause. Not until he's taken another breath -- akin perhaps to someone surfacing above the water -- and is finally able to let his hands drop away from his head. Not until he stumbles his way over to the sole nearby chair and sinks down into it, falling into a decided slouch.

    He doesn't look back up at her.

    "That was... but that was so long ago," Loren says at last, staring down at his lap, at his hands.

    "If that's... it's been affecting me all this time? Then..."

    How much has it taken? How much will it take?

    "...What do I do...?"

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

It is clearly a struggle, and that for the moment is what matters. The fact that he does not answer at first is something with which she can have patience; it takes time, after all, to surface. He stumbles into the chair, slouches... There. He doesn't need to look up. She sets her hands down, folding them on the desk, arms against it.

"And the effect has increased over time--it may well have been quite small in the past. But water, over time, carves itself paths. This has happened, here."

"We observe," Leah says. "The effect is not such that it removes your ability to perform your duty. I will gather more data, determine if I can sense this influence when I'm looking for it through the power of Water. If so, we will look for similar sources of essence. I think..."

"The effect is ongoing; thus it will require active intervention, rather than simply waiting it out. For now, your instructions are to step up your daily logs; you need not report them to your commanding officer, but keep records of your doings, and I will see them now and then, to see whether further deviation from observed reality occurs."

"Simply pushing through the difficulty may do you unnecessary harm. So instead we will observe, and make a plan. You will return to duty as normal, under the conditions that I have outlined."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    Water carves paths, specifically, deep into the earth.

    Perhaps it shouldn't have been a surprise.

    The worst of the shock had been weeks ago -- the very realization that reality was not as he was perceiving it had been nearly debilitating.
    But, then, he had work to do. And if nothing else can be said about him, it's that in spite of himself and his tendencies, Jugend had still built a man who can do his damn job even if his psyche is in tatters. It's not the first time he's had to do it -- he had picked himself up and applied himself to the task at hand, because falling apart for good is not a luxury any citizen of Solaris has.

    Particularly not among the elite.

    No, the worst of it had been a while ago, and he's since had the space to adjust to that fact, to start accounting for it. On his own among the enemy, he had no choice but to cope and acclimate.

    By contrast this here and now is far more immediate, far more physical. It's the pain of reopening an old wound and gasping at the shock of it--

    But the fact remains that now that it's known it has to be treated. Except, how do you treat something that was dealt by the Ley itself -- by the planet?
    By some entity with power -- so it seems -- over an elemental expression of that force?

    Major Sadalbari's prescription is a simple one.

    "Observe it... I see."

    The pain is just a dull ache -- headache, now. He thinks he used to get these before. It seems familiar in a vague way.
    But he can't really remember.

    "I've been taking notes physically." He lifts his head at last and looks at her. "If... this needs to be recorded, can you ensure it's encrypted? If anyone finds out-- I don't think..."

    External foes can be handled. Loren's more worried about his own people using this against him.

    "Otherwise... I will do this. I can't trust my own memories anymore, so I need something I can trust."

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

Can e handle this trial? The Major, for one, will watch to see whether that is the case. For now, she watches here, now. Her orders are simple, but she has placed some of the task in her own hands, rather than referring it to the medical teams of Gebler... to Loren's co-workers, subordinates and direct superiors.

How to treat such a thing? The Watcher considers it as she considers any obstacle, and with exactly as much hesitation.

"Good," Leah answers. "And yes--I can and will see that all information as regards this matter is classified. This is a matter for the Interior Ministry, and you are aiding my investigation into it."

"You do. ...Should you notice further reality deviation, or should your symptoms worsen, do not hesitate to report these matters to me. However..."

Leah leans a little further in. "This is a Ministry matter, and there is no need to involve Gebler as a whole in it. Should we find anything in our research that is useful to that organization, I will have it deployed from the Ministry, as per normal procedure. And it may yet."

"I will give you a separate encryption code to use for these logs when the information in question is sensitive." Leah pulls something from her wrist, and slides it across the desk to Loren--a small device. "Use this if necessary. I will prepare the equipment for my examination and perform it when ready. But..."

"If this matter gives you personal difficulty... I will advise you of something to keep in mind. It is this:"

"You are where you must be, and this is an ordeal you must overcome. Know this, and move forward accordingly."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    He already knows what's expected of him. It's the same thing that is expected of everyone in Gebler -- indeed, of everyone from Solaris.

    Seize glory, or die trying.

    For him it may have become more literal than it has for most.
    The irony being that this is not the first time it has become so literal... but of course, he can't remember the rest of it now. It's a funny thing in a way -- here he is, in the approach to his twenty-second birthday, and he can't remember his intentions anymore.

    It makes sense, what she's doing. What has happened to him... normally, he might have -- if his paranoia is correct on the matter -- been whisked away for closer observation at a hidden lab. After all, has anyone else in their history ever received a potentially toxic exposure to Ley energy? He hasn't even read about Lamb exposure, which means that he might be one of the 'lucky' few to undergo a truly unique event.

    But to hand him over like that means losing him as a resource, and losing the chance to find out if this can be overcome. Maybe they might learn something from him in a lab but--

    Oh yes.
    And Major Sadalbari is family, isn't she? Technically speaking.

    He can't even remember a wedding.

    He can barely remember his brother's face.
    His name.

    Loren swallows, reflexively.

    "...I understand."

    For his sake, he can only hope it's not already too late. And if it is--

    "Major... if... if I end up too far gone..."

    He can't look her in the eye when he asks this. "...Kill me. I don't want to live as a shell of a person."

    I don't want to be an object in a lab. Even if it's for the good of everyone else, I don't--

    It's a selfish thought, but it's his own.

    He stands after that, reaching over to take the small device she hands to him. He still can't look her in the eye. He's a mess and he'll admit it-- but even he knows what he's just asked of her is terrible.
    Even if she's a Watcher. Even if he won't be the first of his rank she's done away with. At least it'll be quick.

    He palms the device and nods the once.

    "I understand." His hand, holding the device, trembles until he manages to still it.

    I don't want to die, but...

    But she has one more thing to tell him--

    Loren, for the first time in many minutes, meets her eye.

    "Where I must... be."

    He falls silent, gazing at her for several long moments.

    "I..."

    It's a lot to take in, right now, right here. But he nods, all the same.

    "I'll keep it in mind, Major."

    Because that's all he can do.

<Pose Tracker> Leah Sadalbari has posed.

Not the first time... and, perhaps, not the last. All of the things that Loren has time to think may recur, or not. He may think of them again, or he may not. But the Watcher sees his reactions now--his understanding, his hopes... and what he doesn't see.

As he is now, he may not be sure who it is answering at all. Is it Leah Voss, his brother's wife? Is it the Watcher, perhaps for the good of Solaris? The Major, who has dealt with being stuck in labs long enough.

There is no obvious clue because she is unblinking when she delivers her answer. It is all a lot to take in, but perhaps one thing will stand out.

"I will see it done," someone promises, and it has all the gravity of an oath.

Her dismissal of him to other tasks by contrast hardly matters at all, when it happens not long after.