2020-12-21: Memories are Dangerous Business
- Log: 2020-12-21: Memories are Dangerous Business
- Cast: Azoth, Xantia
- Where: Port Rosalia - The Docks
- Date: December 21, 2020
- Summary: In which Xantia and Azoth bond over discomforts in discovering the past, but both are resolved -- in their own ways -- to continue.
========================<* Port Rosalia - The Docks *>======================== Port Rosalia was once the second-largest port on Zoara, but the collapse of Celesti put a swift end to that. Many of it its docks were destroyed in the war, and foreign merchants refused to do business in a "lawless" city. Recognizing the port's value, the Wei Trading Consortium talked Port Rosalia's leaders into a long-term contract. Once everything was signed, the Galadian firm sent in workers to rebuild the docks, as well as a its own private security to "keep order". Most of the port's surviving docks rest in Campbell Cove, a large sea cave that sheltered them from shelling. Outside of the cove, rows of inns and dockside taverns await travelers--some run by Wei, others by locals. Construction equipment is ever-present in the port, and so are the Consortium's security officers. The company's reconstruction efforts have hit snag after snag; some of the sabotage is undoubtedly the work of angry citizens, but Wei suspects that Anaheim is moving in to challenge its monopoly. Port Rosalia may endure a second war, this one between wealthy Galadian corporations--and as always, its citizens will be the ones who suffer. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVXy6y8Uj0A
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
A simple day of basic operations, observation, and rumor hunting was what Azoth calculated to be a sufficiently safe test of his functions. After the battle, after the overrides, after the 'dreams'... It was as if even the smallest fragments of control had slipped through fingers that he too sharply remembers aren't his.
But it wasn't just making sure he could walk, talk, and smile without glitching unexpected, nor to see if word had spread to town about about his violent incident in the rumors. There was data to process. The ring. The Ouroboros Ring, downloaded into his core with a power threatening to shred his body from the inside out. It seems the repairs have accounted for that, though.
And it had data in it. That data was as incomplete and corrupted as everything else, but there were still hints. Clues. Lingering feedback. Kamui... what was it she couldn't quite remember about it...?
Azoth, now confident he can pretend to be the same person he always pretends to be, has retreated to the docks. He dresses like the Filgaian he technically is now, in his monochrome outfit with a cropped coat and tall boots rather than the bright Spiran one.
It looks like he's watching the sea in silence as he runs calculations over the data, again and again, humming a slow, wistful tune to himself.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum...
Xantia is back on Filgaia again!! It's hard to overstate the positive effect this has on her state of mind. She tends to be extremely positive to begin with, but being stuck on a different planet, well... a lot of that positive energy has to be directed towards faith in finding a way home soon. Her sense of belonging on Filgaia is just that strong, it feels wrong to be anywhere else. Not to mention the fact that the search for her lost memories is kind of on a forced hold, certain as she is that there's nothing to find outside of this planet. Never mind the fact that nobody seems to know her on this one either, beyond the people she's met since losing her memories.
No, never mind any of that right now. Right now, Xantia is just happy to be here, in this part of Aquvy that she's never been to before. Which means she gets to explore, see new sights! And who knows, maybe, just maybe, she'll run into something, or someone, that will unexpectedly look familiar.
And what do you know, this actually does happen, though it's a relatively recent familiar sight. Deducing a person is familiar to her when they have their back facing to her, and wearing different clothes last time she saw her might be considered impressive, but Xantia doesn't concern herself with little detail like that. Her thought process begins and ends with 'Oh hey, it's Azoth, I'll go say hi!'
And so she does, a skip in her step as she makes her way down the docks, an approach easily heard even though she doesn't actually say anything until either Azoth turns to face her, or she's right behind him, whichever comes first.
"Heeey, Azoth! You made it back too, I'm glad! Ever been around here? It's my first time!"
It doesn't look like she worries about changing her attire, it's still the exact same from when they met in Spira.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
So absorbed in data that he is, Azoth doesn't recognize Xantia's presence until suddenly, she's right there. He breaks into a smile of greeting, lifting his hand in a wave. "Xantia! Hello!"
Just the other day, Azoth ran his blade through Boudicca and dematerialized her. Just the other day, that same strike sapped the strength of a woman he promised Varius he'd look out for. Just the other day, Azoth overclocked his systems into an attack that brought the Dark Hero to his knees. Just the other day, Azoth relentlessly pursued Ida in attack after attack, her friends diving in to save her and collapsing for the effort.
And he smiles at Xantia like it never happened.
Like he doesn't even care.
It's a grim thought that doesn't show at all on his face, either.
He shakes his head, grinning. "Nah, it's mine too! I got a little distracted looking at the sea." He gestures out to it excitedly. "It's so different from Spira's, now that I've seen both! The color, the smell, the movement of the waves...!" Azoth turns back to her, smile a little gentler. "I'm glad you made it back here, too. I know Spira didn't have what you were looking for."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
At least Xantia isn't somebody that Azoth has to feel bad about! She wasn't there, after all. No need to wonder about the what-ifs, is there? Which of those situations might have applied to Xantia if she had been? Definitely don't start thinking about that. Xantia is fine, and clearly happy to see a friend, and doesn't suspect even the smallest thing, that's what really matters.
Although, she might at some point consider that most of the times when people didn't see her until the last second and she was suddenly just sort of there, people tend to have a much more... animated reaction than Azoth did. Then again, she does keep surprising people like that as if it's normal, so a normal reaction to it doesn't exactly seem strange in the moment. She just gives a cheerful wave when Azoth raises his hand.
She then follows his indication of the sea, looking out in the same direction. "Huuuh. I never really paid attention to that. I guess Spira just feels so different in general, I don't really think about any difference in particular." It's overshadowed too much by 'not being Filgaia'. Maybe that's something she should be more concerned about, but she isn't at present.
Her smile fades a little bit when Azoth broaches the main reason for that. "Yeah... though, to be honest, I don't know if being here is going to help all that much, either."
She looks out over the ocean for a moment, as if searching for something. Then the stretches out her right arm, pointing a finger in a particular direction. Nothing is visible there to the naked eye - the naked human eye, at least. Yet Xantia claims, "Over there. In Ignas. That's where I really need to be, probably." That's way too far for her to be able to see it, but in the likely event that Azoth has some way of telling, he can confirm that Ignas does lie in the direction she's pointing.
Xantia lowers her arm slowly, and adds with a hint of sadness, "But... even if there was an easy way to get back there, I'm not sure if it's such a good idea."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Would that the what-ifs would end. Azoth already knows that if Xantia were there, only her own violence against him would have stopped him -- not anything else. Not any question. Not any kindness.
He'd smile at her just like this the exact same way too, like he did at Ivan, and will at Ida and Boudicca and Zed and everyone else, and even ask what's wrong with perfectly fabricated surprise and hypocritical concern if they should tell him about what happened.
"The rocks are different, too!" he says perkily, plucking a smooth stone of pale brown from his coat pocket to admire. Then he gives it a small nuzzle, nuzzling Filgaia itself?! "Spira was exciting, but I did miss Filgaia...!"
Speaking of concern, what does make Azoth's smile wilt is seeing Xantia's own dwindle. He frowns a little, eyes following her gesture into the distance. His eyes aren't so advanced that he can see Ignas even as he zooms in to try it (disappointment!!), but his navigational systems know she's right.
Azoth brings his attention back to her, voice a little softer. "Not a good idea? What makes you say that?"
He can think of a hundred reasons, especially after the events in the vault, but Xantia had been so resolved before. She was so optimistic, some of it managed to rub off on him. He's been clinging to some the words she shared with him as it is.
"...Did something happen?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia feels that she's better at communicating her feelings with her fists anyway, so... there's that.
But there's absolutely no reason for her to think that Azoth would or even could be responsible for any bad things. Just look at him, so genuinely excited about rocks, like before. It's not often that Xantia is completely sure about what is and isn't considered weird, but she's pretty sure that's weird. She won't judge, but she has no idea what to say about that either, just looking on feeling a bit awkward. At least she can identify with missing Filgaia, giving a firm nod to that statement.
Her mood soon sours, for unclear reasons. Well, not unclear to Xantia, of course, who has second thoughts the moment she sees Azoth's perfectly understandable concern about it. But, given that she tried to get Azoth to help her find clues about herself...
"Well... I guess I should tell you, just in case. It's not like it's a secret. And I'd feel really bad if something happens because I didn't tell you." If she sounds like she's trying to convince herself, that's because she is. It's not something she particularly likes to talk about, even if it's always on her mind. It's hard to predict how people would react. What if she loses a friend over it?
She shakes her head, making the decision. With a serious expression, she begins, "I... could be dangerous. To you, and other people."
Hopefully Azoth has an understanding of irony, because he's knee-deep in it, and it's about to get deeper. It probably doesn't help that Xantia looks incredibly guilty about what she proceeds to talk about, even though Azoth wasn't involved at all.
"There was... an incident, in Dazil. I attacked people. Friends, acquaintances, strangers, just... everybody who was there. I knew what I was doing, I could see myself doing it, but... I couldn't stop myself. I wasn't in control of myself. If they hadn't stopped me..."
Xantia averts her eyes. Azoth can probably fill in the 'I would have killed everyone there' blank. She couldn't know about the inadvertant irony here, she's mainly just fearful of the reaction at this point, finishing, "...So yeah, whatever caused that to happen, it's in Ignas, I'm sure of it. I'm probably fine here, but I can't know that for sure, so... now you know."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth is definitely at least a little bit weird.
But that weirdness is quiet while he waits for Xantia to speak. He can hear her trying to convince herself, and Azoth doesn't want to tip the scales one way or another -- there is something painful lurking here, and it's for Xantia to decide.
I... could be dangerous.
The more Xantia explains, the more memories of the vault spread through his circuits with an ache mirroring the time there as much as Xantia currently mirrors himself. Except her face does what his won't.
But there's no fear in his eyes, either. The blue light briefly glows, only to dim further than they started. He knows how her thoughts finish, because that's how his do.
"Xantia..." he begins, almost a whisper, like anything louder will dig into the wounds. He starts to reach out, but stops himself short before tentatively risking putting a hand on her arm hoping the gesture provides any sense of comfort or acceptance. "You didn't want to hurt them," he says. "Having your will taken from you -- I'm sorry. That's not fair. I'm so sorry."
He can't even tell her she's not alone.
But he knows it hurts.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"...Thanks," Xantia says, not even fully processing Azoth's reaction. The word rings somewhat hollow, probably understandably so. Knowing this about yourself, having no idea if it'll happen again - if it'll end up worse next time - and knowing of no way to stop it... well, sympathy is appreciated but it won't make it better, will it? She can't properly explain how this feels. Only someone who knows how it feels would know. And that someone is not Azoth, now is it?
Not that Xantia wants others to know how it feels. After a moment, she turns to look at Azoth again, now smiling warmly and speaking more genuinely. "Thank you. It's difficult, but... well, I'm just glad you feel that way. I guess I kind of figured you would, you don't seem like somebody who'd change the way they look at someone, knowing that."
Of course, that's as far as what she can tell could go. It must have felt good to get off her chest, because one stretching of the muscles later, she seems more like her previous cheerful, unconcerned self again. "So! Since that's probably not a good idea, I figure I'll focus on Xenia. Even if she doesn't seem to want me to find her, I can't just do nothing. Nothing is what I'm worst at doing!"
She knows what she's like. She knows far less about what Azoth's like. So the following question is obvious: "What about you, what are you doing? It's not just looking for rocks, is it?"
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
He does wonder if it feels as empty to her as it does to himself. It's hypocrisy to speak it, like any of it is something Azoth knows how to internalize. Like how he told Boudicca it still mattered if she hurt, even if it's different, and still can't accept the value of his own pain.
Not even now. Not quite. Even with Xantia's pain so clearly meaningful and important in front of him. They can see it, but feeling it...
It hurts in a new way when Xantia smiles and stretches and casts it away, because that's what he does, too. But Azoth smiles as she seems to cheer up a little, because he knows half of the ploy is trying to shake off that sense that you've brought everyone else down with you.
"I'll still keep an ear and eye out for her," he promises. And it's true, at least. "If you had some answers, it might help keep you safe from whatever does this to you." He grins a little, playing off the attempt to brighten the mood. "I like you as you are myself, after all! ...And I'm glad you're still here."
He's glad that stopping her didn't mean killing her.
But as easily as they try to play the mood back up, it starts to falter again with that question. Azoth's smile slowly dims. He can't tell her. Rather, he can't tell her everything. Azoth knows Xantia may be feeling alone. Isolated. Because he does too. The less you can say, the worse that is.
"No, I'm afraid not." He glances aide. "I've found a few clues to my own past myself."
Maybe one day an amnesia club meeting can have someone excited about what they've learned. Azoth would like that.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia's thoughts on things that feel empty go a lot deeper still, but far be it from her to focus on that if she can help it. For your own sake and that of others, it's best to keep your mind on the positive, or at least the possibly positive. Good thing that's pretty much her natural state of being anyway, no acting required.
"I appreciate it!" is her genuinely happy reaction to Azoth reaffirming that he'll still help out even knowing this. "That's what I figure too, the more I know, the better it is for me, and everyone. It's like I said before, I don't need to be who I used to be, but knowing who I used to be, yeah, I think that's very important."
The last part, she either didn't parse correctly, or simply chose to parse differently. "Well of course I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere!" It sounds unconcerned enough, but whether or not she's consciously thinking about it right now, she's perfectly aware that she's only still here because she had, and still has, people who care about her.
It's strange, then, that Azoth reacts the way he does to what she thought was a simple question. It doesn't damper her mood much, but it does make her visibly and audibly confused. "Huh? But that's good isn't it, finding clues? Why don't you sound happy?" She pauses, and then adds with even more confusion, "You don't like looking for rocks that much, do you? You can look for those any time, your past is more important!"
Even if she had some way to know about Azoth's plight in that regard, chances are she still wouldn't have understood. She said it herself, after all. Knowing who you used to be is very important. Certainly more important than rocks!
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
"M-More important than rocks?!" Azoth suddenly says in a mockery shocked dismay, hand to his chest as if scandalized by this suggestion. He smiles to let Xantia know it's a joke, until his eyes stop meeting it while contemplation sinks back over him
The truth is, most of Azoth's problems have little to do with the past, and everything to do with the present. It just so happens that digging up the past is a fantastic way to become more dangerous in the present -- he already knows he's a weapon, and he already knows he's in the wrong hands. The last thing anyone needs is for him to evolve into a more powerful tool in their arsenal.
That means the overrides don't tear apart his words before he can speak them, so long as he avoids explicitly telling Xantia the specifics of the weapon he is. It won't get into the heart of his fears, but it isn't without its own pain, no matter how small that pain feels by comparison.
"I met an old friend," he explains, then he huffs the start of sad laugh. "Not that I could remember more than his name. But he remembered more. He said the best thing to do was leave my past behind."
Azoth looks to the sea again. "I know he's right, because I found something else that jogged a few memories."
He found old data, is what he did. He hasn't had the robot conversation with Xantia yet, though. Maybe he should, given how much an open secret it is. She doesn't seem the type that would change her mind about him over it. But not quite this second.
"Someone -- at least one someone -- doesn't want me to be here, or to exist at all." They wanted him in pieces. Someone tore him into pieces, because they couldn't find a way to destroy him. "Maybe the reason's part of what he doesn't want me to remember. Or maybe the process of why I can't remember now." He looks to Xantia. "Even so, I won't stop looking, either." Because code demands he must. "But..."
He looks down.
"...I'm still worried."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia gives Azoth a very incredulous 'you are not seriously going to insist are you' look when he appears shocked by her assertion. Even when he smiles it still takes her a second to realize, "...ohhh, I see. That was a joke, right?" And even then she doesn't appear to be entirely sure. Azoth may be surprised to learn that he's probably better at jokes than she is.
Though, part of it is that she'd never expect anyone to joke where one's memories are concerned. That is the most serious of serious business. She may not know the full story here, but that's never stopped her before from insisting to everybody in the amnesia club - which is a surprising amount of people - that the past is important, and they should never stop looking.
That being the case, she naturally frowns and crosses her arms when she hears about what this old friend told Azoth. Friends don't tell friends to give up on their memories! "...And that's all he said? To leave the past behind, without saying why? How would you know whether you'd want to if you don't know what it is?" She knows that not being able to make conscious, informed decisions on what to do vexes her greatly, she can only assume it'd be that way for others, too.
Azoth soon answers that question, but it's not an answer that satisfies Xantia. It causes her eyebrows to raise in surprise, alarmed that someone is actively working against Azoth on this. But if anything, that only means there's something important in the past, doesn't it? She makes a quiet noise of frustration, letting Azoth finish before answering his final assertion with an emphatic nod.
"I understand. I can't say I'm not afraid of what I'll find, and I'm a little worried about what you'll find now, too. But, things like this... in the end, they just make me want to know more. What are they trying to keep from you? It could be dangerous, but if it is, well, you need to know why, and what the danger is, right? How could you just ignore that? Isn't that the most dangerous thing to do?"
Xantia has obviously thought about this sort of thing a lot, and has her own, strong opinions on it. But that doesn't mean she's unsympathetic, scratching her head as she averts her eyes, a little embarrassed. "...I mean, that's what I think. I shouldn't tell you what to think. I just feel that without doing anything, nothing's going to get better. I just want things to be as good as they can be for you, that's all."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth is always surprised to learn he's better at jokes than someone else. It is information he has not yet learned how to interpret.
But what he is learning that for all of Xantia's cheerful energy, the subject of the past and its secrets is no laughing matter. It sobers his expression a little, keeping his features soft. The intent was to keep from sounding overly forlorn -- he does not mean to make light of something she holds in such high regard.
"There may be other reasons," Azoth says. "But I know he wants to protect me, so they can't be malicious."
Isn't that the most dangerous thing to do?
Xantia does have a lot of strong opinions and feelings about this, far stronger than the ones Azoth's managed to form on the matter. He gives a small small, waving off her embarrassment.
"I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't want your perspective," he says. "And I can't argue with your logic. Without all the information, it's easy to miscalculate. It might only make everything worse."
He rubs at the back of his head with a more nervous smile. "Thanks. I know there's more of us, but I don't know many people who've forgotten. You have a much better handle on this than I do... Honestly, it was a relief when I first saw you."
Azoth had, admittedly, hoped he could say something to her about it, even if it was only a fragment.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia can't help but laugh when Azoth says she has a better handle on this. "So I'm good at amnesia, huh? I don't know how to feel about that." She shakes her head. "I think I know what you're trying to say, and I'm glad I could help, just, you know. Kinda wish nobody had to get a good handle on this."
She rubs her chin, thinking of what more she could say that might be helpful, and quickly arrives at the old standby. "I guess really, the best advice I could give is the same advice I'd give for no matter what you're doing." She strikes a dramatic pose for this because it only seems appropriate. "Never give up! No matter how impossible it looks to get to where you want to be, all it takes to get there is to not give up on getting there. As long as you don't stop trying to get there, it's only a matter of time before you do!"
With a slight shrug and sheepish grin, she adds, "Even if I wish that time was shorter a lot." Things she wants to happen rarely happen as quickly as she'd like. But they've ended up happening quite a bit. Plenty of evidence that she's right about this, from where she's standing.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth grins a little. "Aah, well, when you put it that way..." But his smile eases up. "I appreciate your resilience, is more what I mean." She seems to know that, but it helps to clarify.
When Xantia strikes a pose, his eyes go wide and sparkling, and he thinks of Zed and he wonders where it is they are both gaining this wondrous power. It inspires him to thrust a hand up in the air.
"Right, never give up...!"
If only he really believed it as he mimicked it.
He smiles and gives Xantia a pat on the shoulder. "...Well, I'll still try to help you look. Maybe that'll speed it up."
It's about all he can offer.