2021-01-14: To Light a Fire
- Log: To Light a Fire
- Cast: Loren Voss, Gwen Whitlock
- Where: Sylvara Great Woods
- Date: January 14, 2021
- Summary: Lan leaves Loren with Gwen while she goes to get some much-needed supplies. This is probably a good thing because Loren absolutely shouldn't be allowed to try to light a campfire.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
It's hardly far to the camp that Lan has made, in the trees and towards the edges of the Lost Woods. In time, it's certain that she'll need to move -- surely Solaris will note Loren's disappearance before long and begin a search -- but for now this location is well enough for their needs.
It's just also the case that Lan wasn't planning -- who would? -- to take along an amnesiac young man, and so she once again needs to take care of him and head to town for supplies.
Loren hasn't wandered off by the time Lan had returned with Gwen in tow.
...The fact that he's still in a Solaris field uniform is also something Lan may need to correct.
With some brief introductions had, Lan had head off to town, leaving the two of them behind.
Currently, the young man is poking at the embers of the campfire with a stick, attempting to replicate what he'd seen Lan do earlier. It seemed easy enough, but...
He sighs, setting the stick back down. "It isn't as easy as it looks. I guess I'll need to wait for her to get back." He looks over at Gwen. "So, are you also someone I used to know? Lan must have told you. I've lost all my memories." He smiles at her, placidly.
<Pose Tracker> Gwen Whitlock has posed.
Ah, it's that feeling again. The feeling that Gwen had seen Loren somewhere, that she had somehow Known Loren more than she actually did. Like seeing the face of a blood relative or a childhood neighbor in the face of another, except Gwen, to her knowledge, didn't really have either of those growing up, at least not to that innocent-seeming degree.
"... Whew boy, we're gonna have to change the outfit to buy you guys time, that's for sure." Time for what?
Time for... something.
A selfish part of Gwen feels saddened that his initial reaction shows no sign of recognizing her in the same way as she does now. It's sated, however, with the knowledge that he's not *actually* remembering her, with his real memories.
Not that she's sure that he'd try to kill her, of course. Just.
Adding the pile of kindling she had gathered to
"Yeah. You knew me. We've come to blows a few times, but had equal amounts of times we've helped each other. I annoyed you with how casually I took things-- at least, that's the take I got." Light glints off the turquoise earrings on either side of her face, as well as the sober gaze in her eyes as she presses a few pieces of wood into the fire, helping build it just enough. "Here, lemme show you."
Taking a few thin pieces, she hands them to Loren. "This stuff was hanging dry from the trees. Hadn't fallen yet, so you won't get much smoke. We'll need to give the fire some easy fuel to start, then layer on things to help maintain it. It'll be easy enough since the embers are still warm."
If he allows, Gwen tries her best to help Loren build the embers back up to a small fire. Otherwise, she'll build it herself, or watch Loren continue to figure it out for himself, with a few nuggets of advice. "It's important to respect that this is a thing that can hurt was well as give warmth. For everything a fire can give you, it can take away." She maintains her gaze on the fire as she says this, her freckled face outlined by the building light. "So never give the fire more than you can control."
She and Lan had talked about some heavy topics, coming here.
They also hugged a lot
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
He glances down at his uniform, picking at the fabric briefly. "Is is that weird?" he asks her, after a moment. Then he blinks. "...Time for what?"
She and he knew each other. They'd come to blows, too. His face falls a touch. "Oh. Was it because I was losing my memory, like with Lan?" He watches her as she works to build up wood and tinder about the embers, preparing it for another flame.
"You seem oddly familiar, though," he says after watching her a while, nearly mesmerized. "Like I know you from somewhere? And I don't think I saw you in that place like I did Lan. Oh!" He lights up, realization hitting him. "Are we... cousins, maybe?"
His hair is blond while hers is more red, but maybe that's the sort of thing that is 'close enough' in family.
Taking the pieces from her, he turns them over in his hands, running his thumb over the bark and seeming to just drink in their shape like he's never seen a few dry twigs before. Then again, as he is now, maybe he hasn't. "Food for fire... huh. I guess it is sort of like a living thing."
He does as she instructs -- he's obedient, like a curious child -- but largely lets her take the lead. Fire hurts if you touch it... or if you let it get out of control.
"Yeah. When I got too close to the fire, I had to pull away," he says, gazing down at his hands. "It really does seem like it's alive."
<Pose Tracker> Gwen Whitlock has posed.
"So she told you, huh." Gwen measures this information in her mind, tilting her head. "Nah, I don't think so. The you before had to deal with... a lot. It's why I couldn't blame you. But I'm the sort that sort of just ducked around those rules and did what I want, when I wanted. I refused to take you as seriously as you might've wanted, even when I was being nice to you. That's my take, anyway."
Time for... what? "... That's the thing. I dunno. Time for you to figure out what you want, I guess."
"...!" Gwen has to hold in a louder breath of exhalation as she realizes that, as she was focused on the fire, he was focused on her, even if it was to watch what she did.
Her freckled face settles into an easy grin. "We're connected, in a way, but I'm not sure how. But that has nothin' to do with your lost memories. I think you didn't have much better an idea before than I do now. But." She holds up a gloved finger. "I figured if you still felt that connection, maybe we could use it so that you at least don't feel anxious."
She lets out a single, awkward cough. "... That was before I met you. Lan wasn't kidding- you're a lot more easy-going right now." Her face brightens. "Not that I don't say that's a bad thing, but I wanna make sure it ain't a sign that you're still losing memories. Like, the ones you're making, right now. Or, uh. The ability to speak. Or..." The redhead has to turn her face downwards to try to hide the sudden stab of panic that begins to flood her face at that realization.
But that can't be it. Lan's said he hasn't lost anything else since losing his memories.
When she dares to look back up, she sees Loren turning the wood over in his hands, like he's seeing them for the first time.
How odd. While Hiro occasionally made her feel like an older sister, with the likes of Big Sister Supreme Jean around, she mostly felt him as an equal, a sibling on equal terms despite their small gap in age. Here, she feels...
oh god she wants to protect Loren from all harm because he's too precious right now aughghghgh--
"So you forgot fire, huh. Well, I suppose, I'll have t'help you two out. Don't worry! Your previous self was a fast learner. I bet you still are!" Gwen did not know if Loren was actually a fast learner.
A little bit of lying here and there can't be bad.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
He nods. "Yeah, she did. Not long after I woke up, actually. It seems... strange, I guess," he continues, smiling wanly, "but I can't remember anything so it must be right." He tilts his head as she goes on. "Deal with a lot... it sounds like I was under stress? Huh," he remarks, considering it for a moment.
And then seems to simply... set the matter aside.
"What I want? ...I hadn't really thought about that. As long as I have food and somewhere to sleep, that seems like it's enough. I wonder if I could just stay here."
What, in the woods? Like this? ...He seems to be content with things as they are.
"Connected?" His face scrunches up in confusion. "What do you mean? We're not family?"
Another long pause. "Anxious? Why? I just... feel like I know you, I guess."
This is followed by what is probably the first look of something approaching fear that crosses the young man's face since they started talking:
"...Lose my memories? Again? But..." His face falls. "I don't... want to forget again. What if I hurt Lan or you again?" The branch in his hand dips, as if it were barely remaining in his grasp. He swallows hard. "...I hope I don't forget again."
At least when she remarks that he's forgotten fire, that seems to cause him to perk up though--
"Oh no! I didn't forget what fire was!" he protests, shaking his head. "But... I just realized how hot it was when I got close. I was a little surprised by it. I think my body remembered what to do." He tilts his head to one side. "Oh really? That's good to hear. I guess that means I'll pick up everything again pretty fast. ...But I'll need to make new memories. ...Hey, can you show me how to get this going?"
He places his stick along with the rest of the kindling. "It seems a little sad that it's been going out. Like it's dying."
<Pose Tracker> Gwen Whitlock has posed.
"O-oh, uh!" Gwen waves her hands. "Well, think of it this way. I've been an orphan since I was five. Since then, I've met many people, some of which I've felt are like kin to me. So much so that, even if I'm technically an orphan, I've never felt that I lacked a family, really."
It wasn't until she met Lombardia, and when something in her soul reacted--
"We're related in a way that's not by blood. But I'm not sure what it is, though I have a few guesses." She taps her middle fingers together. "... Besides, whatever you feel, I feel the same. So, I guess, we're cousins! In spirit. Let's go with that. Spirit cousins!" She holds her hands up, fingers splayed.
A pause.
Her wide grin dips as her shoulders do the same, the courier looking crestfallen. "Not sure if that sounds right.."
In being truthful to Loren, Gwen quickly realizes, as something like fear crosses his face, that he's inherited the same fear, just by being introduced to the same concept.
"Loren." Gently, placing a hand on Loren's shoulder and gently ushers him to her, drawing him into a warm hug. "It's okay." She holds him here securely with one hand, closing her eyes.
Hopefully, the slightly unorthodox beat of her heart will not make him feel even less at ease. The rest, with the weight of her left hand, the soft sounds of her words, they'd be the same as anyone's.
Maybe he wouldn't care because she's the one trying to comfort him.
"Maybe.... And that's why we might be moving around, or why Lan may be gone, or I may be gone, but if we can help it, we won't leave you alone. And even if that happened, both of us are real tough. There's people out there that may come looking for you, and we're not sure if they'll have your best interests in mind. But thing is... I think you need the chance to decide for yourself what path you want for yourself, when you feel you know enough to make that decision. Whether it's some way you get your memories back, or maybe, you'll get them back on your own. But until then, we'll keep you safe. Okay?"
If Loren hasn't indicated he wants to move away by now, she loosens her hand, letting him rest there against her shoulder or to let him shift back.
"Haha. Well, you don't have to worry 'bout that. A bed of good coals means it'll be easy to start a fire later. Fire comes back as long as there's fuel. But..." Her gaze softens. "That ain't a bad way to feel about others, I think. Though, that's... my opinion, really."
She has to resist. She can't guide him more than he wants, in case she risks shaping him to be someone he never was.
She can't be that cruel to him.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
"Related in a way, but not by blood," he paraphrases, crinkling his brow. "I don't really understand it but... okay." They're cousins in spirit, she says, which seems to provoke some sense of comprehension, given how he parts his lips in a quiet 'oh'. "Spirit cousins," he agrees, nodding the once. Then he frowns, but rather than being an expression of his disgruntlement with the conclusion, it seems instead to be...
"...So normal cousins are 'blood cousins'. Huh."
...that born from a sort of strange line of logic.
But in the process of talking to him, Gwen also succeeds in awakening a sort of fear in him, that what he's lost will continue to swallow up what he gains, over and over again. That he might hurt them again.
Gwen responds by pulling him into a hug. The Loren she had known likely would have died before he let himself be hugged by anyone. This one returns the gesture, looping an arm around her and pressing one hand gently against her upper back.
"...Your heartbeat is strange," he says, once there's space between them again. "But nice. Um."
He's completely guileless in this, innocent of any other intent.
"...That's good. I think. I'm still... pretty scared," he admits, looking down at his lap, his hands. "Thinking... what if this keeps happening. But... I'm also a little happy, if that makes sense. I won't be alone."
It's not really a memory. More like a ghost of something the body bears in spite of his attempts to drown it deeply. But thinking about being alone... hurts.
"They're not family, are they?"
He says, of the idea that people will be looking for him, eventually. "It's weird to think that I might have family," he says, lifting his head to look at her. "But... I must have some. I can't tell if they should be important or unimportant, if they exist," he finishes, glancing up at the trees.
Did everything else she said just wash right over him like the tide, there and gone again?
"Oh. That's good to know. I was thinking it might be nice to have the fire going again. ...I'm a little cold," he says, attention taken up by those embers. "And... there's something about fire that's nice." With a few exceptions most of what takes up his attention is immediate and present: he's fixated more on the present than his past or future.
<Pose Tracker> Gwen Whitlock has posed.
"They can be. I'm sure there's cousins that happen through other ways. Like, if someone has no family, and... if a family takes in that person, if that family has cousins, they will be that person's cousins, even if it's not by blood." Gwen speaks gently, keeping mindful of Loren's current state. "I'd say those cousins can be the same amount of important to a person as ones related by blood, bein' someone who didn't have a family myself. Though, maybe, if I dug hard en"
She has to fight herself to keep from marveling just how much Lan was right in saying just how laid-back Loren now is.
"Yeah, I know, it's kinda weird." Gwen gives Loren a wide grin, readily placing his words in the context of... him, as he is, right now. Placing a hand over her heart, Gwen nods, feeling the rhythm of it through her fingertips. "I'm the only one I know with this heartbeat."
Will he remember any of this, if he regains his memories? Will this new self disappear like early morning mist?
But it could be this is simply the self he is without his memories. He's still Loren.
"Even if you do lose more memories, you'll still feel the same feeling like you did now, towards me. And Lan'll remember you too. So you're safe, no matter what." Something is protecting Loren from his fear, it almost seems like. While her fear is sealed, he's being hidden from it. "We'll keep what memories we have of you. So focus on building new ones. We'll see what happens from then on, and figure things out. Okay?"
'They're not family, are they?'
Gwen, having turned her attention towards the fire, looks back towards Loren. "Hm? Who isn't? ... Oh, you mean the people maybe lookin' for you." She sits back, coaxing a flame into existence, a double image of it reflecting on the surface of her eyes as she almost seems to stroke it, tenderly, each fingertip just far enough away to keep from being burnt. In the end, however, it's just a manipulation of wood and friction, no ether being used.
Does... Loren even know how to use Ether, in this state?
"I don't know. I'd say no, but I don't know your family. Lan probably does, though." A pause. "If you're curious, you... should ask her. I think that'd be a good idea."
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
"Oh," he says, once he's had a chance to think this one over a moment. "Does that mean... that Lan and I are family?" They're not related -- at least, he's pretty sure about that; she'd said they were friends -- but she's taken him in, hasn't she?
It seems to be good enough: he settles down, so to speak, accepting what she's told him.
At least, that is, until she manages to by sheer accident find and hook the fear that rests within him. But even that--
"Oh. That's kind of neat."
--is easily quelled with her reassurances, with her promise that he won't be alone.
How easily this Loren chooses to trust.
"So that won't go away... that's good," he says, still simply accepting it, rolling onwards like the river towards the sea. "And she'll still be here. ...I don't want to forget again, but as long as it's like this... then I'm okay." Even if he does have to start over again and again, as long as he has that part that won't fade, and as long as he's not going to be alone...
He nods, at Gwen's question. "Yeah. I was wondering why they were after me and thought, if they were family, maybe... but if you don't know..."
Lan might, though. Lan might know more about his family -- his family by birth.
"Can other people do that? Make fire with their hands," he remarks, watching her as she sets the flame. "I don't think I can do that."
<Pose Tracker> Gwen Whitlock has posed.
'... that Lan and I are family?'
"..." Gwen is taken aback at this, as Loren's innocent question manages once again to take her in a direction she didn't expect.
"There's different ways people can have different connections to each other," Gwen starts, considering the flame she tries to coax under her hands. "If it was just limited by family, the world would be pretty lonely, right? The relationship Lan had with you before--" She hesitates. "She was-- and still is-- your friend. People make friends all the time, and those bonds can be just as tight as family. I don't know if the person you were before would've considered me a friend, but I think that was because I was... very annoying, to him, like I said."
The turquoise earrings sway as she continues working on the fire. "The person you were before... you were a hard worker, who took his duties very seriously. Probably to a fault, but there's a lotta people like that. Very serious. He was a medical officer, so he knew a lot of things regarding healing. I saw him heal a young boy of burns, once, but only when he thought I wasn't looking."
The curve of her small smile is still visible, even thought she's turned away from Loren.
She hesitates. "... I say this not because I want you to become that person, but because I think that, no matter what, I want you to have the ability to choose what you want. But I think, until you have a firmer hold on things, don't go away from Lan or I if you can help it. There's a lotta people who'd take your current state, and your trust, and use it to hurt you. There are those who'd try to help you too, of course, but they might not believe what you tell them. The place you come from is a place few people on the surface know about, and the people in that city would like to keep it that way as much as possible."
Could someone like Elly or Fei help? She should see if Lan would feel comfortable in seeking their help just yet.How much can Gwen tell Loren?
The flame begins to grow, seeming to follow her hand like a puppy towards its mother. Air currents, most likely, Gwen imagines, though she considers, briefly...
"Oh?" Gwen seems briefly alarmed at Loren's question, then slowly, the prickle of emotion leaks from her shoulders, and she relaxes. "Nah, that's... not me." She wills it to be so. "I know how to make fire, rubbing something hard against something fire likes to burn on. I could probably--"
She purses her lips, a flash of something terrible flicking past her mind's eye. "... W-weell, maybe later. You got a lot on your mind, after all. And fire can get out of control, real easy."
Such an understatement, to hear herself say that.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
"Well... yeah, I guess," he says, shoulders slouching as she points out you don't have to consider one another family to be meaningful to each other. "I was just thinking that... it would be nice."
He'd started out wondering if Gwen was kin. He seeks after connection, in his own way, starting with the one thing he can really conceive of as being a unified hole.
"The person I was before...?"
Gwen tells him a little about that person. Slightly, he frowns, a vague echo of the Loren he'd once been.
"Medical officer... and I did something like that..."
He's trying to take it all in. He's still only been 'awake' maybe eight hours. He can count the span of time he can remember on both hands. In that sense, he's a sponge, and whatever anyone tells him will influence the story, the path in which he travels... and thus whatever he might become.
Which Gwen tells him. Quite soberly, he nods, but there's a quickness adjoined to the movement: he's trying to understand it, but it's a lot. He's still taking everything in. He needs to be careful. He needs to choose his own path. He needs to...
"I'll stick to you two... and I'll be safe," he says finally, nodding as if to settle the matter. "...Everything is kind of..." He shakes his head. "I want to know more, and see more, but it feels like it's a lot. Right?"
He needs time, and he might not get it. He needs to disappear.
It's not her, Gwen says.
"Oh. Okay. Is it something I can learn?"
He'd really better not learn this. As Gwen says.
"Alright. I'll watch you, then." And he settles back, his gaze on the dancing flames. He is, again, content like this.
<Pose Tracker> Gwen Whitlock has posed.
"Yeah, I get ya. It would be nice. Maybe, the fact that you feel that way, that's something your heart remembers. You were close to Lan, so now, you still are." Maybe even moreso, without divisions like 'Lamb' and 'Solarian' in the way. "That's your connection to her. The part you feel, from a place beyond memories."
He did something like that. And Gwen remembers, because it was the memory of him that defined him, as much as the other memories.
The memories of how he wanted to be something like his brother, when they were in that cursed village in Elru. How she felt sad at how much colder that vision was compared to his own strength.
"Your previous self... well, the self that you still are, just with your memories," Gwen says, softly, recollecting. "... I thought you had to deal with a lot in your life. A lot of hard decisions, that would be hard for anyone to make. We fought a few times, but that's gonna happen, you know?" She sits back from a now healthy fire, pleasantly satisfied with her own work. "I guess I shouldn't say that past tense, because Loren is you. And you might wake up tomorrow and have all your memories, and this was just something temporary." She frowns, crossing her legs. "And if that happens, I hope you remember what I say. 'Cause I don't know if there would've been any time or place I would've been able to say it, like this."
It feels like a lot. Gwen gives a chuckle at this. "Yeah, but, I think, you're doing pretty well? Considering." She lays on her side now, enjoying the fire's warmth. "... I don't know exactly what things'll be like, Loren. But Lan and I... we'll make sure that you're kept safe until we know what we all want to do. And that includes you." She gazes at the blonde young man, looking contently at the flames. "I know it sounds like a lot, but I think it's important. That you have as much control over your own path as you can. Sometimes situations like these, uh. I wouldn't say they're a blessing, because in a fair world, you'd remember everyone, because I know you got to have memories both good and bad. But this break can be a branch, where you get to be the one who says 'this is what I want'."
She quiets, looking towards the fire, her eyelids lowering as she rests her head against the ground.
"... But it's nice, to feel like I have a cousin, like this." Her eyelids are closed now, her words soft as she begins to drift off. "Maybe I can remember just how to enjoy moments like these, just like you are now..."
The courier is quiet after that, drinking in the warmth of the fire a coaxing glow of snaps and ambient noise, until her breath relaxes, her shoulders sinking against the earth, fully asleep.