2021-02-02: This Is Not Goodbye

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  • Log: This Is Not Goodbye
  • Cast: Loren Voss, Anaitis Sura
  • Where: Deku Isles
  • Date: February 02, 2021
  • Summary: Once he's able, Loren goes to meet with Anaitis. He realizes something about Anaitis, and a decision is made.

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    The easiest part, as it were, was the part where he got to spend about a day recuperating, without any immediate intrusion from the outside world. Immediately afterwards then there had been the battery of tests, physical as well as psychological, followed by that meeting with Leah.

    And then there had been the reassignments, the whole list of things Loren had missed during his nearly two week period missing, and of course he can't forget the hours-long vidcalls with both his parents, separately.

    Of course Leah had told them.
    ...They'd been very upset.

    Going missing has a great many consequences. Avoiding the inevitable has a good many consequences. Perhaps if he'd been less stupid about all of this--

    But he'd in a way known what he was trying to avoid, perhaps. It had all come about to the same end.

    Nevertheless. It was only when all of that was done, settled, and more or less put to bed that he was able to even think about sending Anaitis a message.

    The first part of it had been an apology. He feels like he's been doing a lot of that lately. But the second part was to ask them to come and meet him. He couldn't go far, given recent events, but Elam Base is on an island, which does mean it has a beach. ...Not the sort of one where recreation is even minimally tolerated, given its positioning, but still, it's almost the sort of location that's date-acceptable.

    He doesn't have anything. He feels like he should have brought something, but it's also the case that a military base doesn't really sell date-appropriate items. ...Unless Anat wants something out of the snack machine, and Loren is thinking that's really not up to the task here.

    He's just brought himself, and hopefully that's enough.

<Pose Tracker> Anaitis Sura has posed.

    It has happened.

    Anaitis felt the connection shatter. No, to say it was a 'connection' is not true; it's something more of a residue, a taint left accidentally. Something they have not been able to bring up, but at the same time knows-- Loren is closer and closer to the truth. They knew that one day, this day would come.

    And today is that day.

    They obtain an apology -- and a request to come speak.

    The curious engineer is seated on their boat-oar, just mere inches away from the water gently laps and gives way to wet sand.

    Loren brings himself, and that is all they can ask.

    "Loren," they whisper, voice softer than ever. A pause. They want to say 'I am glad you are awake', but... no, they want to first understand how Loren wants to approach this.

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    Having everything back has been...

    It's still difficult to put word to it. Perhaps 'overwhelming' will do -- it's been overwhelming to remember everything and have himself back. It's been overwhelming to go over what's been years really of a slow deterioration, it's been overwhelming to have to consider certain things afresh -- or for the first time.

    He can't say that the 'hard part is done', because it's not. But he's started to get some handle on it, and that's not nothing.

    "Sorry," Loren says. "I disappeared on you." He approaches, trailing footprints in the soft sand. "It's been... a lot happened." Where would he even start, explaining it all to them?

    "I should-- I mean, I thought about..."

    He's drawn close to Anaitis now, little more than a few feet away.

    Something remains of that connection. Not a remnant as such-- perhaps the word 'scar' might be more appropriate, a mark left from what was burned out of him.

    "...you...?"

    But he feels it. That old, familiar sensation.
    A part of him, after all, still very badly wants to forget and it so much wants to embrace that sensation again.

    Loren draws back half a pace, boots dragging in the sand. In astonishment, his lips part. "You're... it was you." He blinks, he slightly shakes his head. "But... how? You, you're not..."

    But he doesn't draw back any further than this. But there's no accusation or horror or disgust to him, just...
    He just doesn't understand this.

<Pose Tracker> Anaitis Sura has posed.

    "It was me."

    Anaitis' voice could not be gentler, like soft beads of water very gently gliding down a flat surface.

    They feel Loren approach, but does not move away; they do, however, step off their boat oar so that their bare feet can touch the flow of the ocean.

    There is something left of that connection. A scar. Something burnt out of him.

    "I am glad you recovered," Anat whispers. They mean it in more than one way, of course. Physically, but also emotionally, mentally; and memory-wise, too.

    "The name the ancient Elw gave me is Rahab. Primarch of Muse."

    Anat turns very gently, in a half-circle, turning towards Loren. Water washes their feet, pressed softly against the sand.

    "We first met underneath that village, so long ago now..."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    It was them.

    Loren wants to reject this out of hand. To pretend this isn't happening. To-- to...

    Hasn't he been trying to run away from things enough, already? His hands, at his sides, briefly curl inwards towards his palms as Anaitis speaks, explains who they are.

    Rahab. The Primarch of Muse.

    "This... isn't a joke," he says, and he says it quietly enough that it's clear he never really believed it could be a joke. "You're really... the Primarch?" He looks Anaitis over, searches them, as if he could somehow find a trace of that being in them but...

    But he doesn't see a monster, regardless of what the other says or what the gentle presence in the back of his mind confirms. He just sees Anaitis.

    "...And you came here." We met again, he doesn't say. "...Why?"


<Pose Tracker> Anaitis Sura has posed.

    Loren looks, perhaps with more than his eye, for something to look at. Anat can feel this. And so--

    --they show a glimpse.

    It's not the aggressive, raw presence they once showed underneath Wayside all those times ago; it is the gentle, seemingly everpresent and infinitely deep presence of water, catching whatever looks at it... and showing something back in turn.

    Mirror-like. As water is always wont to.

    "When I awoke, my presence was deeply unstable," Anat expresses. "I wished to say I was in a rage, but it was not even that -- an unstable mix of emotions."

    A longer pause.

    "And I left a scar upon you, did I not? I noticed this, and... I witnessed you for a time."

    Anat bites their lip ever so gently. "And over time, I... found myself ever more curious. So I wished to get closer to you..."

    Their head lowers. "And then... I found words to how I felt. I was in love with you."

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    Loren sees...

    much.

    It's not what he'd seen before. It's nothing like what he saw before -- but the sea has two faces, or so he's heard. The face of fury that claims lives and consumes ships, and the face of peace that reflects heaven.

    "You were... asleep for a long time," Loren murmurs at last, glancing away. It's not so much something he knows as much as it's something he feels. --Something he understands after he, too, was asleep for a long time and awoke in a state that had been aflood with... feeling. He'd been overwhelmed with the burden of it and had similarly lashed out.

    He'd simply been lucky that he had swung a metaphysical fist that had wiffed, as it were: his unstable flames had struck no one.

    "You... did," Loren acknowledges, glancing down and away from Anaitis. "But..."

    He's quiet for a time. But ultimately he shakes his head and straightens to face them. "But I think that's because some part of me wanted to," Loren says finally. "To be hurt, I guess. To give in and forget." He manages a strange, sad smile as he regards Anaitis. "Sorry. ...Looks like I'm a just huge mess, huh..."

    All this time, Anaitis was watching him in a way, from afar. And then they'd...

    There are times for paralysis. There are certainly more than enough times for inaction.

    Loren hesitates, then takes a step forward, approaching Anaitis. He reaches out with both hands, as if to take their own in his.

    "It's... weird. Coming from you... it kind of makes me a little... happy? That you were looking out for me, in a way..."

<Pose Tracker> Anaitis Sura has posed.

    Anaitis was not there, for Loren's own experience. But somehow, they know, in part from what he says -- and what he feels, too. How it feels, to awaken after what seems like an infinite slumber. Pent-up emotion, all unleashed at once.

    "I saw," Anaitis admits. "I saw how you took the reflection... and made it your own. I wished to say something, yet..."

    A pause. "That is not the way of water. To strike at water is to only scatter it... it would have harmed you."

    They do not voice it, but they are sure Loren needed to see the truth themselves; that they would be able to, in the end.

    A pause, and Anat looks a bit surprised as Loren takes their hands.

    "If I were truthful... if I said that being with you, seeing every little moment -- every triumph and setback, every time you hesitated on what to buy, what to eat, when you went out and had that eating competition..."

    Ah, there's tears now. Strange, for a being of water, but... also, not strange.

    "I discovered the joy of emotion in ways I never thought I would."

    They forcefully press out an exhale, as they quiet.

    "But... ... I also know why you come. This cannot continue... can it?"

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    "But you didn't want to hurt me. ...Yeah." He ducks his head and sighs. "I'm... I get it." He manages to smile, if weakly. "I'm a mess, remember...? I'm still not... I mean... I still don't know what I'm doing. Or what I'm going to do. Or... anything."

    Where he goes from here. Where there even is after here.

    He's twenty-two now. He'd never expected to even reach twenty-two, just a few years ago, and now he has to start to thinking that maybe there is a future past twenty-one, twenty-two, and even twenty-three.

    He'd let go, after all, and then...

    But what he can do right now is grab onto something else.

    Holding Anaitis' hands, he looks at them, really looks at them -- as if to burn the memory of this into his mind--

    Well, that, and redden, embarrassed, when of all things Anaitis mentions that. "You... really don't change, huh," he mumbles, glancing away for just the moment. Only for a moment, because--

    This cannot continue.

    "...Yeah. If I... I mean, I want to! I even thought, what if we ran away together!" Loren's shoulders slouch. "...But I can't do that. There's..." He shakes his head. "I'd forget again. I still want to forget again. And... then she'd find..."

    His grip on Anaitis' hands tightens. Panic suddenly takes over.

    "...You need to go. I mean, you need to get away from here. As long as you're around me, I'm going to-- they'll figure it out." Again he shakes his head. "You need to go. ...Or they'll hurt you. Or worse."

<Pose Tracker> Anaitis Sura has posed.

    It is a moment they're both going to never forget. As Loren burns the memory to his mind, as best he can--

    Anat is reflecting it back onto their mind as well. Their hands touching, holding; standing against the precipice on the waves on a beach that, while far from picturesque, makes for a very impressionable piece of landscape.

    "I will not forget."

    Loren wants to run away. What if they did? No, they would be found out. She...

    "I shall never forget... the happiest moments of my life. With you."

    The tears continue to flow, but... slowly... gently, their fingers peel apart. Palms pressed, then away as well...

    Then Anaitis starts to shift. Away... towards the waves. They do not so much walk, as it feels as if they are taken, back towards their element.

    To become one, with the ocean.

    "... I ... will not say goodbye. I refuse to."

    A longer pause. "Because, as certain as the oceans bind the world together... so will you and I."

    There's a tender little smile.

    "I will promise you that much, my love."

    And then they are gone, little more than speckles on the canvas of blue.

<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.

    Yet again, he's found that he doesn't want to let go, even though he needs to. Even though he's the who said they both needed to.

    "Wait, I--"

    Loren tries to reach out just once more, to entangle his hands with Anaitis' as they part from him and move towards the water -- the sea.

    He chases after them, splashing into the surf. Did he change his mind after all? Is this his attempt to go with Anaitis--

    He reaches them, slinging one arm around them, then makes an attempt at a smile.

    Then leans in to kiss them.

    There have been more expert kisses in the history of the world. There have certainly been more passionate, less frantic kisses. But this is one they share, and in this moment, it's the only thing that really matters.

    Loren draws back, after a moment. He's flushed. Would he have looked any different ever?

    "...I wanted to do it right this time," he admits, helplessly. He takes one splashing step back amidst the waves and looks upon Anaitis for what might be the last--

    No. He shouldn't be the one saying goodbye, either.

    "I won't forget," is all that he can say then, if he can't say goodbye.

    And he's standing there still when the blue finally fades.