2021-03-26: One Wing For Each Angel
- Log: One Wing For Each Angel
- Cast: Xantia, Fei Fong Wong
- Where: The Thames - Upper Deck
- Date: March 26, 2021
- Summary: Xantia informs Fei of her intention to chase a dangerous lead in pursuit of her memories. Full support is a given, but some things you just need to hear spoken out loud.
========================<* The Thames - Upper Deck *>========================= The Thames is a derelict aircraft carrier turned bustling hub of salvage and Digging operations within the Great Sea region of Aquvy, helmed by an eccentric walrus beastman who only answers by the title of "Captain". The idiosyncratic and lively citizens of this carrier -- a healthy and diverse mix of humans, beastmen, elves, Gorons, Rito and just about anyone else you know -- make their living performing on- and off-shore salvage operations for parts and lost technologies, selling them off to the Ethos or the Diggers' Guild. The Upper Deck of the Thames serves as both a launching and landing pad for Gears and other crafts, and a full crew of salvage and maintenance folks can always be seen assisting with the operations. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YREOhjsSvOs
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia has been conspicuously Not Around lately, at least from Fei's viewpoint. Going off to do her own thing happens sometimes, but she usually sends word at some point about what she's up to. That's not happened for a while, which is usually a good clue that something's up.
Truthfully, the last message that she did send was probably a good clue in itself. That was a while ago, shortly before the Bevelle siege. She'd volunteered to help stave off the Guard at that time, but sent a short message to apologize, but she couldn't be there because she didn't feel well. Odd, because Xantia doesn't normally skip out on fights, or helping her friends. And has she ever even been so seriously ill that it kept her from doing these things?
But now, finally, she's sent another message through the Memory Cube. Not a lot of details in there, just that she needed to talk about something important, asking to come to 'the spot' on the Thames's upper deck. She meant the spot where they talked about serious matters before, away from most of the Thames's daily activity, so whatever it is about, it's something she doesn't want others listening in on.
It's easy enough to find her, and vice-versa - she's leaning on the railing with her back to the sea, completely focused on the one direction people would have to come from to get here, so that she'll be able to spot Fei immediately. She waves when she does, though it's not her usual cheerful wave, more like a 'come over quick' sort of wave. She takes a step forward, looking serious and apologetic, beginning to speak pretty much as soon as she figures Fei can hear her.
"Hey, um... I'm sorry I've been, you know... out of touch. But, things happened, and I didn't want to worry you, and I know I couldn't hide it from you, so I had to stay away for a bit until I could figure things out. I think I know what I want to do now, and maybe you won't like it, but, well, hear me out, okay?"
She... may be getting a little ahead of, well, everything.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei Fong Wong gets another anxiety-causing message from Xantia. Ahhhhh is everything okay it's something important from Xantia this probably means it's going to be something existential or something. Can Fei handle that right now? Well he's going to try because Xantia is family and Fei has precious little of that now. Fei would do anything for her.
Fei tries not to be overbearing on Xantia but this time she's calling for him so he arrives on the Thames via a ferry and makes his way around the Thames until he finds her.
He smiles at her and waves largely in her direction.
...Does he realize it's a 'hurry get over here' wave? He doesn't seem to. He does make his way over at a measured pace however.
"Xantia, you don't have to hide stuff from me just because it'll worry me. I mean... I appreciate it but..." Fei rubs his neck. "I'd rather just know so I can help you. I'd be worrying either way, you know? It's my privilege to worry about you."
He smiles a little awkwardly there and adds, "But it's okay. Sometimes we need time so--don't worry about it, alright?"
He will try to give Xantia a hug.
"And it's okay if I don't like it either. I'll still support you as best I can, okay?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
In response, Xantia briefly twists her expression in a way that might seem like disapproval, but that quickly turns into a smile. A bit of a 'why are you like this' reaction, followed by the realization of 'actually I like that you're like this'. She doesn't object to a hug any more than she usually does, returning the gesture readily.
"...You know, I've often wondered in the past why people say 'you're too nice', I didn't think it was possible to be too nice. But I think I get it now. You really are just... too nice."
She seems calmer after the hug, but no less serious than before. "I kinda figured you'd react like that. And... I think I know what you're going to say after I've explained everything to you. But it's still important that I do, and that you honestly speak your mind. So... just let me get it all out before you say anything. Okay?" She leaves a moment for Fei to respond, though knowing there's no way he wouldn't agree, before getting straight to the heart of the matter.
"I've been hearing that sound again. The staticy sound, the sound I kept hearing earlier, before... what happened in Dazil." She pauses, with the expectation to see the worry that she was trying to avoid, before she continues, "So you see why I thought you'd worry. I worried, a lot. I asked Lily and Citan what they thought, as doctors, and for now it seemed fine if they just watched me and made sure nothing happened."
Xantia briefly looks away, to gaze out over the ocean. "...Nothing has, so far. But it's also not going away. Just like before, the sounds are getting louder, clearer and longer. But there's one big difference from last time." She pauses again, turning back to gauge whether Fei's already managed to figure it out, before she confirms it herself.
"I'm still in control. I can tell people what's happening. It's not like last time, where every time I thought of telling someone I just... couldn't say it. So I think it's weaker now. I can hear it, I can still feel this little... nudging, as if it wants me to go somewhere. But it can't make me do it." Which is where the decision she made comes in. She takes a breath before saying it out loud.
"But, I think that... I want to do it. To just... go where it wants me to, to see what's there."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"I'm really not!" Fei insists. "But I try to be nice. I think it's Elly's influence, really. And yours. I...want to be a positive influence on the world like you two are." He smiles. "So maybe I could say the same dang thing about you, Xantia! You're too nice! ... Though really, I think you're just a perfect amount of nice." He pauses. "But uh... maybe I should hold it back a little, we don't need to get in a humblebrag fight."
He does seem to relax a bit. He nods slowly to agree with Xantia's condition.
And he listens. He nods in agreement. Every time it seems like they've gotten to the bottom of the Xantia flavored mystery, some new wrinkle gets thrown. The signal is weaker than it was in Ignas? Maybe she was right all along and the source is there somewhere.
Xantia says that she wants to go there. But Fei waits a moment to make sure Xantia's done before he finally speaks.
"Maybe you're stronger too." He says, thinking it over. "But I can see why you'd be worried about how I'd react. This is the same signal that was taking you over. Going right to the source--you might lose yourself again."
He gestures forward with one hand. "Are you sure you want to take that risk, Xantia?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia just has a little private giggle about Fei arguing against his own niceness. She doesn't confirm or deny her own niceness, the only counter she feels is necessary to his words is, "That's exactly what someone who's too nice would say."
She proceeds to say everything she has to say, and listens to Fei as he offers his own take, nodding as he follows along with her thought pattern. And not hesitating with a second nod when he asks whether she's sure about this.
"I know this is a risk. But it's possible that all the answers I've been looking for could be in whatever place this leads me to. So... what other choice is there? I can't just run away and ignore that possibility."
She scratches her head, not feeling quite as comfortable with the rest of that thought. "But... I also know that it would be stupid to try that alone. If I do lose myself, and nobody is around to help me..." She can't even get herself to finish that thought. Instead, she looks Fei straight in the eye.
"So, I'll need your help. I need some people to follow me, at a distance, and... do whatever might be necessary if there's any trouble. I don't like asking people to take such a risk for me, but... I'm planning to talk to Leon about it. If he's okay with it, then this could be like, a Wolves thing. It could be just like being hired to protect somebody, except this time the somebody is me." Her lips curl up a bit, and she chuckles. "That sounds weird. But, maybe that would be okay?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Ugh! You caught me!" Fei quips back, laughing.
"Well you could. You could run to the end of the world and never have to face it." Fei says. "Seems clear to me that there's a distance component here. But you're right that giving up on that means giving up on truly facing yourself so... I want you to know that I'm not mad at you for deciding what you have. Quite the contrary, I think it's very brave. I can't... not worry about it, but it's your gamble to make Xantia. Just know that the rest of us? We'll try to stack the deck in your favor as much as we can because we love you. And whatever happens, we won't forget the Xantia that we loved. I know that for sure, whatever happens. And if we're real lucky, maybe we're just worrying excessively and you'll find the truth about yourself and be able to step forward into the future on your own two feet as your whole self."
He pauses a moment and nods slowly. "I'm... I'm not going to hurt you, Xantia. If I gotta subdue you, sure. But 'whatever necessary'-- well, my priority is gonna be your safety and well-being."
He nods once and adds, "I doubt he'll say no. We've all got to look after each other. And knowing what I know about Lily, there may be a time we gotta do the same for them. But it's fine."
He smiles. "We'll always help each other. Cause we're a team. And friends. And...family, you know?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Somehow it doesn't surprise Xantia that Fei would argue that running away is a valid option. But of course he also knows her opinion on that very well. She's never been one to run, and always argues against it when other people are running from important things, as Fei is well familiar with. There's no need for her to say anything about that. As for the rest, though...
"I don't know if I'd call it brave. More like... desperate?" She chuckles, feeling weird to say that about herself, but that's pretty much how it feels. "After all these years, it would be nice to not end up with more questions than before whenever I learn something new. If there's even a small chance of finding out everything I want to know, I have to take it. It's the only way I'll ever stop feeling like I'm stuck in place."
When the words turn to expression of feelings for her, she falls quiet. She seems to be feeling awkward, or embarrassed, possibly both. In the end, she can only rub the back of her head, admitting, "...It's exactly things like that which make me feel like I need to do this."
Realizing after a pause that this may be confusing, she elaborates further. "It makes me really happy to hear you say these things, Fei. But... I feel like I don't understand those kinds of feelings very well. This is where I should say that I love you all too, but as long as I don't understand those feelings... well, it feels like lying. You can't really mean what you don't know, you know?"
Not wanting to dwell on that, she shakes her head. "Anyway. What I can say is that I know you'll do everything you can for me, just like I would do for you, and Lily... anybody I care about. But... I knew that all along, didn't I?"
She can't suppress another chuckle. She can't help but feel a little dishonest about this whole thing too, when she knew in advance how it would turn out. Well, this part of it, anyway. She won't keep that a secret, at least.
"...I'm sorry. It probably wasn't entirely honest of me to say that I needed to talk to you about this." She smiles faintly as she looks at Fei. "I didn't even need to ask. Because... you're like that. Of course you'd support me as best you can. I knew that I could count on you for that. I always can." The smile fades then, as asking things like what she is about to ask Fei now just never feels any less awkward.
"But... it's not just up to you, is it? What I really need to know is... what does he think of this? Can I count on him to not, um... overreact?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Tomato tomahto," Fei says which is one way of looking at it. He's frankly inclined to agree at this point. What IS her deal? As tough as it may be, at this point Fei's been on this journey for years of his life and he thinks about it sometimes off and on just by virtue of it concerning his friend and sister. He loves Xantia. Of course he does. The love of a brother. It's new to Fei. He doesn't want to be so bad at it that Xantia suffers a painful life or, at least, if she has to live through some pain then at least let her be strong enough to overcome it and thrive in the end. A full life. It's what she deserves.
"I... Yeah, I understand." Fei says. "But it's fine. You don't have to return our feelings if you don't feel like they're your feelings, you know? This isn't some kind of equivalent exchange. That's just how we feel. I hope that this journey helps you understand your feelings."
He nods though. "In a weird way, you do seem to know yourself pretty well for someone who doesn't know herself." Fei is a little wry there. "But--"
He raises both hands into the air. "You don't have to apologize! This is complicated stuff. It's natural to have a lot of stuff to work through and that it isn't going to exactly all come out in an orderly fashion--"
But she asks if she can count on Id to not overreact.
"I... don't know." Fei says. "He doesn't explode out as often as he used to but when it happens... It's fast and hard."
He thinks for a moment. "I'm not even sure if it's entirely up to him." He hesitates to say that but he does add, "But I think if that's your wish... He'll try to keep cool. He'll try his best."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia is quick to protest, "But I really want to be able to return those feelings! Or just... understand the feelings you have for me. I feel like this should be a natural thing, that it's natural for everybody else, but somehow it's just not for me. Do you know how frustrating that is?"
She quickly recomposes. "...Sorry. Again. Even if you feel like I don't need to, I feel like I need to say sorry, you can't help things being the way they are. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad because I'm just... things like this make me feel... incomplete. Everybody gets it, I don't get it. Why not?" She crosses her arms, frowning a moment, before eventually shaking her head and uncrossing them again, shrugging helplessly. "See, this is what I mean by feeling stuck. No point in just knowing what I'm like, I need to be able to fix what's wrong with me."
Not just for her sake. But for everyone else too. So she can be sure she won't hurt them. So she can return their feelings properly. So she can fully understand them, instead of just knowing them.
She's calmed down, but still looks a little miffed when the answer on Id is given. "I guess that's about the best I can expect from him... he's frustrating too. I've done my best to leave him be for a while, but I sure still have a lot I want to say to that guy. ...One day. I know you can hear me."
For the moment she doesn't persist, since the last thing she needs right now is more frustration. She does feel a little better after vaguely and indirectly threatening Id with conversation, and lets out a deep sigh. She manages to find her smile again afterwards.
"I can say one thing about the way I feel that I'm totally sure about. I really appreciated what you said earlier, about how whatever happens, you won't forget the Xantia you loved. I think that's just about the nicest thing you could say to somebody who's always worrying about memories."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"I'm sorry," Fei tells Xantia quietly. "Maybe one day we'll understand him but... He isn't a guy I can speak for right now. I can just...believe that he doesn't want to hurt you. And if he doesn't want to hurt you, he'll try to listen to your request. I think."
Fei's cheeks redden faintly though as Xantia points out to the nicest thing he could possibly say to her. "Well... I know you've been worrying about becoming someone else, or losing control... But the fact of the matter is, despite all the times I've completely lost it..." He smiles. "You've never left my side. And--you've always been good at keeping who I am away from who he is. Maybe I'll be lucky and if I do run into this other version of you sometime... Maybe we can actually try getting along and knowing her too. If it's something like with me and Id, maybe one day you'll be friends."
"But...I guess it's a pretty personal thing. So I'm not gonna tell you how to handle it. I know you'll do the best you can do, and---that we'll love you, yeah, no matter what happens."
He takes Xantia's hand and gives it a soft squeeze. "As for him? I doubt he's gonna forget you anytime soon. You're always on his mind."
Though...he seemed worried otherwise, didn't he?
But Xantia does press on the matter as to why she feels differently. "I understand. I mean, I'm not trying to tell you how you should feel about it, I'm just saying how I feel about it. And I do understand why you feel that way, and we'll be there with you through it. Even the frustrating bits. Just don't be afraid to bail, okay? Remember, we're doing this for you. So as soon as you can't stand it anymore--we'll run away with you too until you're ready to try again."
Xantia worries about being incomplete.
"Well," Fei admits. "I think we all feel a little incomplete now and then. In the Nissan religion, actually-- We're made to be incomplete. One wing for each angel so we can learn to fly again."