2021-07-02: Go Hungry

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  • Log: Go Hungry
  • Cast: Riley Arwell, Xander Lovell
  • Where: Sylvara Great Woods
  • Date: July 02, 2021
  • Summary: After their encounter with Eleanor and Xiumei, guilt chews at the Fangs enough that they begin to discuss how long they can resist and draw out time between sacrifices.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley has been a bit... uneven since the fight, sometimes his usual cheerfully weird self, sometimes quiet and distant. It's not always easy to predict know which Riley Xander is going to get at a given moment.

Today, Riley went off to forage by himself for a while -- sometimes this is an excuse to conceal when he wants to have some feelings without Xander needing to see it. In any case, if that was the reason, he must have gotten it out of his system because the first thing he does when he gets back to camp is hand Xander a large toad.

"I found us a non-judgmental friend!" he announces. "Isn't he great?" The toad burbles.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

It likely doesn't help that Xander's attention is almost constantly on Riley, because Xander does not know what would actually help. He's divided between moments of trying to offer comfort and being blindsided by a remark he didn't expect, flustering and turning away wondering why he bothered.

But every time he bothers again.

Cold dread sinks in whenever Riley's gone. Xander knows too well what it's like to want that space, but... what if something happens? What if the curse worsens, or Riley tries to take an opportunity that goes poorly, or he just...

...decides not to come back?

But that's a thought Xander refuses to let take root while he busies himself with grinding herbs. And once Riley does return, it is with deep ingrained, absent minded habit that Xander simply takes whatever Riley is offering him, even if that offer is a live animal.

So it takes him a second, staring back at the toad as it in turn stares back at him. For a moment, Xander's face doesn't manage to do anything, then he huffs out a breath. There could have, almost, for a fraction of a second been a smile but maybe there wasn't.

"...Are you sure it isn't a baby dragon?"

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley takes his victories where he can get them, and sometimes a flicker of an almost smile and a nostalgic joke amount to a big success in dealings with Xander. He smiles at him, giving the creature a little finger pet that it likely would not appreciate if not for Riley's inexplicable knack with animals.

...Are you sure it isn't a baby dragon?

"Well, I can't rule it out. It can be very hard to tell the difference between a baby dragon and an adult toad."

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander exhales, but there doesn't seem to be as much exhaustion behind this one as others. At least Riley's back to joking again.

"I guess you can have dragon friends," he says. Xander adjusts his grip to try and make sure the toad is well supported and comfortable for its stay, though given Riley's weird calming effect on critters, this may be unnecessary. "But you should probably put him back where you found him later."

...But maybe not right away. It is a toad, hanging out, being a toad -- another living thing among them that they don't instinctively want to kill.

"Did any of your wounds act up while you were gone?"

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

I guess you can have dragon friends,

"He is your friend too, don't reject him," Riley chides playfully. Meanwhile he will file away this expansion of his friend permissions for safekeeping... and try not to think too much on how badly his other befriendings went awry.

"But it's true he should probably stay in his habitat and not come with us to the desert and wherever else."

Did any of your wounds act up while you were gone?

"...They were all right," Riley says, his tone going just a bit guarded. There has been some expansion over the past few days; the thorns in his left hand and forearm are growing towards one another as if trying to meet, and the ones along his scalp are more prominent now, the flowers visible in his hair, and the stems just barely starting to edge around the underside of his jaw. It's been getting more difficult for him to get to sleep. But he still stubbornly uses the hand and doesn't want Xander trying to ban him from it.

"...How are yours doing?"

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander admires the toad a moment more. "...Fine, he can be my friend, too." Only animals seem to get this concession -- and maybe he's still feeling guilty about that comment he snapped out in the heat of battle. He thinks to attempt his own finger pet before withdrawing. Leave that to Riley and his weird creature charm.

But Xander isn't imperceptive to Riley's guarded shift. He looks up at him critically, trying to search his face and features for anything more truthful.

...As if he doesn't know parts of the truth, the ones pointless to share. The infestation in his own eye had gotten so out of control he switched from a simple patch to more of a cloth mask that covers half of his face -- not an invisible choice, either, but far less destruction than Riley's persistent use of his injured hand. And his mantle would hide the idea that they're growing further along his arm and back.

"I'm healing," he says, because that's true of the other wounds. "Enough that I'm fit to travel. We don't need to waste another day."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley triumphantly absorbs Xander's agreement to count the toad as a friend... then experiences a small heartbreak at the aborted fingerpat. He takes Xander's hand in his own (uninjured) one and attempts to guide it gently toadwards.

Riley averts his eyes slightly as Xander asks him about his injuries and then searches him for the truth. "I mean if you would like me to do some complaining..." I'm healing.

"...you should lead by example."

We don't need to waste another day.

"About that, though..." Riley had sat beside Xander after handing off the toad; now he leans against him slightly. "...I was thinking. I wonder if it might be better for us in a way if we spent a little more time being cursed. I'm not saying so just because the Drifters made me guilty." Though it is a bit that. "When we finish watering the garden, that's it. The faster we power through these cycles, the sooner that day is going to come. Maybe it's a good thing that people keep slowing us down."

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander's face flushes with Riley guiding him directly, but he doesn't resist it. He assumes Riley's mysterious power over the universe means this will work, smiling faintly when he gets to fingerpet their new friend.

He's a simple creature himself, when you get down to it.

But the peace of that doesn't last. ...you should lead by example. Xander breathes a frustrated tch of a sound through his fangs as he looks away himself. "I think I've given you plenty of example on the subject!"

Xander that's not something to be proud of.

The fire in him dies down with Riley's weight against his shoulder. Xander gently sets the toad down beside him, where it can keep them company or hop off on toad business. "Riley --"

It takes him a moment to find a response to that plea. It is guilt, and they both know it, but the last part still gives Xander pause. That's it. The reality he consistently ignores. Riley can feel Xander's body go tense against him.

"... That's playing with fire," he says, quieter. "The longer we stretch it out, the greater the risk we'll put ourselves in a position where we can't make the sacrifice we need."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Xander allows the fingerpat, and smiles a small smile. Riley's heart is mended. (He is also a simple creature in many ways.)

I think I've given you plenty of example on the subject!

"Complaining about me doesn't count," Riley says. As grouchy as Xander can be, he can also mysteriously become stoic when it comes to his own health or need for rest.

The toad is deposited nearby. It hops about, but remains close enough that they can still hear it burbling.

The longer we stretch it out, the greater the risk we'll put ourselves in a position where we can't make the sacrifice we need.

"...Yeah," Riley says. "And the last cycle when they went into your lungs right from the start was... scary. But racing toward getting consumed by Valmar isn't safe either, just because we can't see it closing in on us. And we kind of can see it." In the way the garden gets lusher with each kill. "Maybe there should be a balance between the two extremes, if we can manage it."

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Complaining about me doesn't count.

Xander opens his mouth to snap a response to that, then glowers instead, averting his eye.

But the lost heat fizzles out almost entirely now. As much as Xander wants to accuse Riley of giving in to what they Drifters have been trying to say and letting them guilt him into giving up, his assertion isn't without truth to it. Xander can see it too -- how the garden grows more vivid each time they feed it. More... beautiful, in its haunting way. But they both can feel it in the depths of their souls what happens once it's done.

Xander brings his knees up and pulls them against his chest, afraid to let his voice rise above a whisper.

"... I don't know that I can."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

... I don't know that I can.

Riley's response is soft as well. "You mean... live with the curse? I don't like to, either." Even when the pain isn't so bad, it reminds him of before, when it all but consumed him. When he wrecked everything. When he gave up.

"...I'm sorry. I know I've said it before, and that it isn't enough, but... I shouldn't have put this in you. You probably would have still stayed with me, and..."

He trails off, his mouth quirking into something between a grimace and a self-conscious smile. It's easy to romanticize that road not taken as what he should have done. But he probably would have killed Xander in some unguarded moment. Or driven him away so he wouldn't.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander swallows, trying to wet his throat and find his voice. He forces himself to uncurl, trying to look -- and feel -- less pathetic, raking his hands through his hair and gripping in tighter than he intends.

"No -- that's -- that's not what I mean. I don't know if I can... find a balance." There's a slight tremble to him, and his voice starts to break. "I don't know if I can hold back."

His tongue moves when he speaks, never more aware of the fangs in his mouth.

Riley's apology seems to have escaped him in the moment.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

I don't know if I can hold back.

"...Oh. Right." Riley forgets sometimes how... the violent urges seem to hit Xander harder and earlier. Maybe because the memories of losing control are the ones that the pain of the thorns brings back for him...

"I mean, we could try to be... alone for the curse times, if we're dragging it out a bit. And we don't have to drag it out that long. But... days we spend like this could be extra days we're adding onto our lives. I just thought maybe we should try to get the most out of them. Live life. Pet a frog." A distant burble. "...I honestly don't know if it's really a good idea."

Riley isn't convinced HE is going to be able to enjoy the curse days. Let alone Xander.

The unanswered apology gives him a flutter of shame, and he averts his eyes.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander drops his head, squeezing into his scalp. He takes a long, shuddered breath. Maybe that's what it is. The pain reminds him of how sick he was with hunger. Of distant screams and the warmth of blood and nauseating satisfaction. Or maybe he's weaker. Maybe he was never a good person.

This isn't helping them. This is him dragging Riley down again. Xander has to find a way to lift himself out of this.

"The whole point is more time... So... I'll try," he says. "If that's what you want."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

If that's what you want.

Riley smiles at him softly, but there's guilt in it. " '...Want' is probably a strong word for this. But... maybe we can try it this cycle and see how it goes, and if we even want to do it again. Living a little bit longer might not be worth it if it's miserable." He makes a face at himself when he processes his own words.

"...That came out stronger than I meant."

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander finally looks to Riley, despite the ache in his chest as he does. He reaches to gently take hold of Riley's shoulder to encourage him to lean against him further for support.

"It's worth it," he says, softness replaced with rising intensity. "I can live with the curse. I just--" --he's afraid he'll end the current cycle, without wholly deciding to. "I'll try not to. rush anything. This time."

But like Riley's earlier words have finally reached him...

"...I would have stayed."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

It's worth it.

Riley isn't quite sure what it is that sustains Xander, who does seem to be miserable most of the time, but to cling to life all the more fiercely for it. Whatever it is, he isn't sure if he shares it. The idea of trying to press on when no joy is left... well, it's threatening to Riley.

I'll try not to. rush anything. This time.

"...all right, then. Let's have a cursed, prickly vacation in the woods." He gives a faint, hopeful smile, his hope being that the levity will smooth over any harm his earlier words might have caused.

...I would have stayed.

"I... ... ... I still don't think that would have gone well," Riley says, trying to be delicate with the sentiment he once stabbed Xander in the eye over, "But I wish I'd given you the chance." It's not like he didn't end up killing Xander anyway. It's just taking a while.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

The truth is, it's impossible for Riley to have what sustains Xander. And Xander knows he isn't managing to offer the equivalent.

Xander sighs at the idea of a prickly vacation -- but he sighs at the idea of any vacation, so maybe this is a positive sign. "...At least this one will be quieter."

I still don't think that would have gone well.

"It wouldn't have," Xander agrees with no delicacy at all, but he keeps his touch resting over Riley. "So you don't need to bother with what could have been."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

...At least this one will be quieter.

"And I promise not to tell any of the woodland creatures that we're married."

So you don't need to bother with what could have been.

There's a few moments where Riley's gaze goes sullen and distant again, followed by a sudden grin that doesn't really fit with the moment.

"Speaking of what could have been, did I ever tell you about the dream I had where I was a siren who lured you under the sea...?" Riley that objectively could not have been.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander gives Riley an exasperated Look, gesturing to the nearby toad. "You just did." Now all the toads are going to think they're on their honeymoon!

But it's probably fine with Xander if it's toads. Riley probably could charm a woodland wedding audience and --

no stop thinking immediately, this is a dangerous path.

That brief shadow that descends over Riley tells Xander he has said something terribly wrong, but he isn't sure, precisely, where his words fell through. (It was most of them, Xander.) Before he can think to mitigate the damage, Riley is on the subject of... dreams.

...They apparently share some dreams now and Xander didn't get to be in that one?!

He huffs with a paradoxical jealousy, glancing away.

"You didn't," he says. Pause. "...How did it go?"

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

You just did.

"...Whoops." Riley looks to the toad and stage whispers. "Pretend you didn't hear that."

But... dreams. Xander asks how the siren dream went, and Riley's face quirks with a combination of regret and 'well, now I'm committed.'

"So we had some nice romantic underwater adventures for a while -- exploring shipwrecks and grottoes and finding treasure, helping fish solve interpersonal disputes, that kind of thing. But after a while you started to talk about going home again, and I was like, 'What are you talking about? You can't go home, you've been dead for weeks!' " A self conscious pause, before he asides apologetically, "It was actually kind of a spooky dream, I got excited about how weird it was and forgot."

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

The slightest bit of spark seems to glimmer in Xander's eye with the talk of ocean adventure as it speaks to something in the depths of his otherwise grim soul.

Until Riley gets to the ending.

Xander flinches and stares at him. "What!"

But he sighs and lets his tension droop out. "Well it... sounds like it was... interesting before it got spooky."

...It might be too raw right now to say that being a ghost eternally with Riley would be preferable to this brief struggle they've been given instead. Still guilty that his words before weren't conveying what they should have, Xander looks away again, venturing: "...But I wouldn't have wanted to go home without you, anyway."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

...But I wouldn't have wanted to go home without you, anyway.

Riley feels a warmth bloom in his heart at this little reassurance, and ruffles a hand through Xander's hair.

"I think you just wanted to visit. Maybe you could have brought me in a bucket."

A pause. "If you weren't a tragically murdered ghost. Sorry, ghost Xander." And real Xander. But he already said that.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander relaxes with the touch, letting his eye close.

It's a nice dream, when Xander gets down to it. One where home still exists, even if they can't see it again. One where their limited time becomes eternity. But clinging to what ifs -- no matter how impossible and bizarre -- won't help them.

"...Don't apologize for letting me stay with you."

Maybe that came out stronger than Xander meant.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

...Don't apologize for letting me stay with you.

Any deeper truth to that statement is unfortunately (or fortunately?) lost on Riley as his mind goes to teasing opportunities. "Interesting, Xander likes the ghost dream..." Who is Riley telling that to? The toad? "I am learning more about the scenarios you find romantic..."

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander jerks his gaze back onto Riley.

"You are absolutely not!"

(Tragically for Xander, Riley is.)

"The only thing you should take out of that is the ocean!"

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

"Xander the ocean ghost..." Riley replies happily, undeterred. "I think there's a song in there somewhere..."

At least his mood improved. That's... better, right?

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander groans, then helplessly leans back into Riley.

"... All right, let's hear it."

There's no escaping his fate now.