2021-09-19: Doomed to Repeat It

• Log: Doomed to Repeat It
• Cast: Xantia, Azoth
• Where: Port Rosalia - Seabreeze Avenue
• Date: September 19, 2021
• Summary: Two amnesiacs remain friends despite knowing there's better than average odds of hurting each other.

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<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Oftentimes, it can hard to pin Xantia down, notorious as she is for being unable to stay in any one place for long stretches at a time. But every now and again, there are exceptions. Not always for a good reason, but it's usually when she has a particular interest in a particular something in a particular region.

While one can only guess what the interest might be, learning that Xantia often returns to Port Rosalia as of late could lead one to reach a particular conclusion. Port Rosalia is close to the Celesti Wastelands. The Celesti Wastelands have seen several sightings of a certain individual who looks an awful lot like Xantia. Not everyone could know this, of course. But someone who's encountered her there may put two and two together.

Whatever the case may be, asking around in Port Rosalia will reveal that while rarely staying there more than a day or two, Xantia often returns to the Seabreeze Port establishment. And while she is not there today, she was there earlier, and still has a room assignment open. Further asking around would reveal that she was last seen heading towards the docks.

As such, it may take some time, but at least Xantia did leave an obvious trail to follow. A trail which become more difficult to follow once dockside. Always filled with ships and people, looking for one particular person may have ended up a needle in a haystack sort of situation.

It may have... unless one happens to be looking towards a light coming from the end of a short, mostly empty pier. There is only one person there, easily identified by, if nothing else, a copious amount of red hair fluttering in the wind. The light appears to be coming from her hand, its source perhaps not quite so clear from a distance.

Upon getting close, it becomes clear that the light's source is Xantia herself. She seems very focused, her right hand glowing with a bright white light. She then turns her attention to her empty, non-glowing left hand. Slowly, the light begins to move, traveling up her right arm, to her shoulder, across her collarbone, to the other arm. Until eventually, her left hand is glowing the way her right used to. Some form of training, perhaps?

Whatever the case may be, Xantia's focus is fully on whatever it is she's doing. She'll likely not notice an approach right away, given that the only way to get to where she is currently standing that doesn't doesn't involve crossing the water would be from behind.

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

There are a number of practical reasons Azoth is reluctant to send messages openly and frequently given his position, but one among them (that some may argue against the practicality of) is that the glutton for data gets considerable internal rewards for gathering that data and using it to Figure Things Out.

Today, his goal is to figure out where Xantia is. After everything that had happened with him, and with meeting Xenia, Azoth knew he couldn't -- shouldn't -- avoid meeting with Xantia much longer. Delaying any inevitable encounter could be more dangerous in the end, and... there were still some promises Azoth could keep, however small. However futile.

But if he calculated it completely futile, he wouldn't be in Port Rosalia now.

Azoth scuttles through the port, searching through crowds as he weaves through them. His persona is on in full force, smiling cheerfully, apologizing to anyone he bumps into, humming along. Concern that he's wrong after all is hidden away. But then, there it is: Xantia's flowing red hair, lit by... Xantia herself. He beholds the strange light ritual a moment before quietly making his way to her empty pier.

Even once he's close, Azoth observes her for a moment more. His head tilts, and his own eyes lighten -- but not brighter than the light that travels through her.

Finally, he ventures a greeting. "...Xantia? Are you all right?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia's initial reaction to hearing her name is subtle, but noticeable. Her posture stiffens, a likely indication that she not only heard, but recognized the voice immediately. She may not be entirely sure how to react, which would make sense, given the circumstances.

In a deliberate motion, her left hand closes. Without a sound, the light scatters, and evaporates. Her hand uncurls again, and she slowly lowers it. She still hasn't said anything.

Only then does she turn around. Her expression is difficult to read, which is different from usual. She normally smiles so readily, especially when she sees a friend. But she's not smiling now.

She likely doesn't need to speak to communicate that, as it may already have appeared at the end of their last battle, she's understood the situation. She knows that the one standing before her and that Solarian machine are one and the same, even if they don't look anything alike. It wouldn't be strange for her to wonder what the meaning could be of seeking her out like this, for her to assume that she may be in danger.

But there's no indication of that. Though tense, she doesn't ready for battle or show any sign of hostility. This is mostly confusion. Wondering wordlessly why Azoth is here, now, asking whether she's alright. Until finally, she shakes her head.

"...I should be asking you that." She balls her fists, and looks down. "...I'm sorry. I didn't know. If I'd known, I... I wouldn't have said everything I did."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth goes still as Xantia begins to react. While Xenia may have been confident Azoth could convince Xantia of something, he has reason to doubt Xenia's understanding of Xantia. Which means Xantia may find Azoth's arrival... unfavorable. Threatening, even.

He waits and he watches, no unease showing, but it still settled in his circuits dozens of calculations computing in that short time. She does not smile, and he does not a fake smile for the both of them in its place, either.

Then her response.

Azoth should be used to this by now, but it's like a surge blown through his core each time they apologize like they were supposed to know how to save him. His expression remains neutral, and his voice loses its tone and inflection: a robotic reverb overtakes it, as he speaks with empty eyes.

"This system operated under a command to withhold that data. Your behavior was reasonable with the information you had available. An apology is unnecessary."

Uncertainty creeps into his features. Is he supposed to act like a person, or isn't he? Is it lying to do it, is it lying not to? There's the smallest frown in her direction, even after his inhuman display.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

It may not be clear to Azoth which way he should be acting. But Xantia seems to have her opinions about that, immediately clear in how she's the one who frowns more deeply after the response she gets. She doesn't hesitate to give a response this time.

"You don't need to do that. Just... talk to me like you normally would." She looks doubtful afterwards, adding, "...If you can? I think you can, right? I mean, I don't know what they've done to you, but... if you came to see me, and it's not to attack me, then you must be able to make your own decisions to some degree."

It took longer than usual, but in the end, she still manages to smile. Even though her eyes look more sad than happy. "I don't need to know about your programming. What matters is what's on your mind."

She can't keep the smile going. As much as she hates to have to acknowledge it, there's something she needs to say right off the bat. She holds a hand up to her heart, letting out a breath before doing so.

"But... I should warn you. Where it comes to Solaris, I... have trouble holding back, sometimes. I have it under control for now, but, well... if that changes again, it could be dangerous for you to be around me."

...That's what she's worried about. Not Azoth, who she should know could say much the same to her. She's afraid she will hurt Azoth.

What was it Xenia had said again...? One doesn't need to be a program to be in that exact sort of situation.

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Not his programming. Just what's on his mind. ... To relay to her the information of the internal feedback he's receiving in the ways he knows how to communicate them, however clumsy that might be.

Azoth's face lifts into a weak smile. "I can do that," he says, his voice back the way it was before -- the way she's used to. "Sometimes the processes get disabled to make room for others. But... right now, I can."

He can't keep his smile on either. Not with the way hers won't reach her eyes, tries, and wilts. Azoth's own face could be a mirror of it, and he's not even trying to be. Her warning makes it even harder. It hurts. After everything. The subterfuge, the violence... She's worried not for what he will do, but what she will.

"That sounds like the opposite of a problem," he says, and he tries to wear it like a joke with a grin. But that, too, can't hold. It's a terrible joke to make. It's not strictly true, either -- he'd have to defend himself, if it ever came to that. "...I guess that warning goes for both of us, doesn't it?"

Xenia's worries are making a great deal more sense to him. But whatever her reasoning, Azoth once made a tiny promise from a chance meeting in the woods. He won't let that decision be stolen from him along with so many others. Given what Xenia knew of him, Xenia may know what's being said now. In that sense, he may need to be cautious. But either way, Xantia deserves to know. That's what he concluded.

"We're dangerous to one another just existing. I'll understand if you never want to see me again. But... there's something I had to tell you: I encountered Xenia."

Azoth manages to find Xantia's gaze with his own, his too-bright eyes glowing softly. "I'm guessing based on what she said you've already met... but I told you I'd let you know if I found anything. So. Here I am."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia can't help but grimace, hearing that even the ability to speak like a normal person can be taken away from Azoth. This isn't an easy conversation for her either. She doesn't realize that her pain indirectly causes Azoth pain, since it's all in response to his situation. She doesn't factor herself into this at all. She doesn't blame him for anything. Her quarrel is with Solaris, not those they have under control against their will.

That being the case, she reacts poorly to the joke, frowning as soon as it's made. "It is a problem. I don't ever want to fight you like that again. Not unless I know there's something I can do in a fight that will break Solaris's hold over you."

That's how her perceptions have shifted now. But she too knows that if she saw Azoth about to do something like trying to use a hugely destructive weapon like last time, she'd act the same way every time. All other compulsions aside, she can't stay idle in dangerous situations that she has the chance to act against.

Though it's hard to find any positives here, she finally sort of finds one in Azoth pointing out that the warning goes both ways. She can't quite manage a grin when saying it though. This is too serious for that. "At least in your case, how dangerous things are will be obvious from looking at you."

This still leaves the question of why Azoth is actually here. This doesn't seem to be about apologies. So what then...? Xantia looks like she's about to interrupt Azoth, clearly not pleased by the suggestion of never seeing him again... but then he speaks Xenia's name.

This instantly throws her emotions for a loop. Surprise and worry make way for anger in the blink of an eye. Not towards Azoth. He's seen her this angry before, but that was when she was fighting him, still unaware of who he was. Her opinion on Xenia is thus immediately apparent.

"...You did? What did she do? What did she say? Anything about me? Tell me everything." She catches herself, adding, "...Please. I need to know. It's very important that I know as much about her as possible."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Every grimace Xantia gives Azoth catches his notice. Drifters really are a strange kind... An advanced A.I. like himself, having spent so much time living among them and trying to learn of them... and yet he realized too late the possible. Their rejection would have been devestating.

He never imagined their care and concern would hurt worse.

"I don't want to fight you either," Azoth admits in a quiet moment of terrible honesty. But want, as he so often said, is irrelevant. If Solaris demands it, if her past demands it, where will they be? He manages another smile at her. "...But I won't ever blame you if it comes to that. Whatever the reason behind it." Whether it's him, or whether it's her.

At least he'll be obvious, she says. Azoth gives a lopsided grin, the overrides running roughshod over his calculations to avoid correcting any technicality of that. "I suppose I will be."

Xenia, however. That's the real matter. The reason he needed to find her.

"I miscalculated my interactions with her, so I didn't get as much information as I'd have liked... But she claimed she needed me to help you. Because she was worried about you, as family. As your little sister." The look Azoth gives Xantia is one of uneasy skepticism: it'd be nice to believe Xenia's motivations are familial. Azoth, however, is not yet convinced.

"She wanted me to use my own fears of finding my past to dissuade you from continuing to search for yours. Because it'll change you. Because you won't be the 'Xantia' we know anymore if you find it."

Something on Azoth's face darkens, conflicted. Anger, briefly, not for Xantia any more than hers was for him, but for something, surely, before he lets it fade away. Right now, he's relaying what he heard. His opinion on it should be minimized... but not so much Xantia thinks he's in full agreement with Xenia.

But all of that fades in favor of Azoth offering a wide eyed, blank blink. "She also asked if I was single, but I don't think that's relevant?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

And yet, this seems to be all that Xantia knows. It's not even unconditional forgiveness, she simply genuinely doesn't see anything that needs to be forgiven. She knows where to put the blame, and it's not Azoth. It's just one more thing that Solaris needs to pay for.

Xantia doesn't tend to consider what might happen in the future too much. You don't need to be a program to conclude that there's simply too many variables involved to predict how things will end up. But she can express what she would prefer. It doesn't seem to surprise her that in spite of everything, Azoth still seems capable of that much as well. It's enough to make her smile more readily than she's managed thus far. It doesn't fade entirely as she shakes her head at the matter of blame.

"You wouldn't need to blame me. I'd never forgive myself if something bad happens to you because of me. I'd want someone to stop me before I do something I could never take back."

She doesn't say it straight out, but with the way she looks at Azoth, it may feel as if she were asking 'same as you, right?' while already knowing the answer.

Her demeanor changes entirely when Xenia is mentioned. This is more serious to her than anything Azoth might do. Because she fears that it might be her hand getting forced in some way. She doesn't understand what Xenia wants, but she's gotten pretty convinced that she shouldn't let it happen.

Predictably, she scoffs at the notion that Xenia might be worried about her. "Yeah, right. I worry about her too, but not in that way. She's given me no reason to think she's up to anything good." No comment either way on the family relation. She's uncertain whether that's real, but even if it is, it's hard to feel like it means anything.

Hearing what Xenia was trying to do, however... she's briefly perplexed, but the anger soon resumes. "...I'm not surprised that she's trying to get me to give up, but she went after you, for that reason?" She crosses her arms. Going after her is one thing. Going after friends is crossing the line. She shakes her head. "That's a dirty trick. She can't convince me herself, so now she's trying to get others to do it for her. Well, it won't work. This only makes me more convinced that there's something in my memories that's important for me to know, and a problem for her. But I don't suppose she told you anything about that, did she?"

But she did ask about something else. Xantia has no idea what to with that one. She can also only blink blankly. "Why... would she ask that."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

That silent 'same to you, right?' wins Xantia another weak, but hopeful smile. Azoth doesn't have to say anything because, indeed, Xantia already knows. She knows better than he wishes she had to.

There's a lot, he's beginning to realize, she'll understand about him. And maybe he could even dare to think he understands pieces of her.

"No." Azoth winces, rubbing the back of his neck. It only hurts for Xantia to ask, because trying to get that little nugget is exactly what Azoth hoped to accomplish. "I tried to provoke her into telling me, but either she can't say it, or she won't. If it's the kind of 'can't' that I have... then if not Xenia, someone else benefits from you not knowing."

His looks away, out over the pier. "... I won't pretend I'm not scared of what either of us is going to find. But it bothers me. I was ripped apart. Someone scattered my data -- my memories -- as the next best thing to erasing me. And however you lost your memories, there's someone working to keep it that way. ... Did we not deserve to exist, as we were? Are we only tolerable once we've been broken apart and watered down...?"

Azoth grins awkwardly back at Xantia. "I suspect that's not at all what she wanted me to say to you." His gaze drops to the ground. It feels like a dangerous thought to have, but he hasn't been able to dimiss it.

As for that last part, Azoth shrugs. "Unexpected play in an attempt to diminish vigilance and increase doubt in my calculations to accommodate her unpredictable behavior?" He pauses. Not everyone is as calculating as he is. "... I don't know!"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia does seem to have a knack for Noticing Things. Whether it's all because of similarity to her own situation... she'd find that hard to say. As readily as she notices things about others, noticing things about herself that should be obvious can at times be a problem. But she's managed to spot at least one thing she has in common with Azoth. Anyone who feels that way couldn't possibly be bad.

She understandibly looks a little disappointed when hearing Azoth doesn't know the details regarding why Xenia's doing what she's doing either, but all in all, she can't be too surprised. She's already understood that her 'sister' can't speak the truth because there's no way she'd want to cooperate with whatever it is.

Or... because she can't say due to being forced to? Xantia looks pensive when Azoth suggests that possibility. "Mm. Maybe..." That seems to be as far as her thoughts go on that. Even that's the case, she doesn't see how that would change much. Not immediately.

But Azoth takes it one step further, with the suggestion that her memories, too, may have been taken away on purpose. Xantia was ready to dismiss it out of hand, but... then she starts to look worried. "...Actually... my memories were taken from me more than once. The last time it happened... it was someone I thought I could trust. But, I don't think he had anything to do with my past. He just... ...thought he was doing what's best for me..."

She looks downright afraid, now. Somehow, she never reached the conclusion that it may have been like that every time. What if this really is something that happened every time because people are actively trying to erase who she was?

In the end, she shakes her head violently. "No... no. I can't think like that. That's... that's what she wants." She looks to Azoth, with greater convicton. "I know I'm right about this. I know that memories don't control you. You can keep being who you are even if you get back who you were. As long as... as long as you're the one who gets to make that decision."

It's easier when focusing more directly on Azoth's situation. Bring it all back to the need to free him from Solarian control. That's something that will improve the situation, she doesn't need to doubt that. And neither of them need to doubt their nature, either.

...If only she could be certain about that last part.

Regarding the conclusion... Azoth has a theory that she can only respond to with another blank blink, before reaching her own: "That sounded smart, but I have no idea if it meant anything. ...That's the problem with her too, I have no idea if anything she says means anything. But I'm sure I don't care to just do anything that she wants, so... I think you did the right thing. You made a promise to me, and you kept it. So... thank you."

Smiling doesn't seem so difficult after that.

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth prefers a world where everyone acts out of concern and worry and familial love. But he hasn't yet received the evidence that it's the world he's in.

And he knows, first hand, even if all of that is true... it isn't always enough. It's a thought that makes him feel dangerously concerned for Xenia, if there's any fragment of truth in what she claims to feel. But that doesn't mean cooperating with her helps, either.

Xantia begins to look afraid, and Azoth flinches. He starts to reach out, hesitating with his hand halfway up. "Xantia..." Taken from her, not just once, but at least twice, and from someone she trusted.

Because it was 'best'. ...That's what Varius had said about him, too. That forgetting was for the best. Azoth had hypothesized it was an enemy of some kind that destroyed him. Someone who wanted, or needed, him gone. They might not even thought of him as a person enough to suffer from it.

"I want to believe you," Azoth says, smiling faintly. "Rather... I choose to." He needs to believe her, because with the overrides demanding he piece himself back together either way, that's the only hope he has. "That who we are now won't be overtaken by who were then, if we can find the answers. And that whatever we felt as who we were then... it mattered, too."

Azoth beams at Xantia, like none of his smiles, up until now, have been fragile as poorly spun glass. "I don't get to keep many promises these days. I'd like to make more, but..." He winces, gesturing vaguely. Solaris. "Still... Whatever happens... You have someone who might understand. If I can help at all... I will."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia is used to people having a more dim worldview than she does. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that she doesn't worry about what world this is as much as others do. She just prefers to look on the bright side as much as possible. Or perhaps this too is more of a need, to keep her own hopes intact. Her firm rejection of the possibility that things could be bleaker than she'd previously considered seems to indicate that much.

"It's okay," she insists when Azoth indicates his concern. "It's okay." The second time with greater conviction. She can't know that it will be. But she can choose to believe it. Which becomes that much easier when Azoth chooses to do the same.

"All we have to do is think about everything and everyone we care about. How much we treasure it all, and how much we don't want to lose it. Regaining memories doesn't make other memories go away. We just have to remember what's really important. And even if we can't manage to do that ourselves, others will help us."

Azoth says he'll help if he can, so Xantia has the obvious follow-up to what she said just now. "And I'll help you!" She doesn't include any ifs. In fact, she adds, "I can make the promises instead. That is one. Even if you can't ask for my help. You won't need to. I'll know."

She seems pretty confident about that. And why shouldn't she be? Sure, there may have been a big misunderstanding up until now. But now that it's been cleared up, she's pretty sure that she and Azoth understand each other better than ever. And doesn't that give them enough cause to keep smiling?

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Whether or not everything really is okay... Azoth has learned is that the certainty of success drops to zero once you do give up. Even in the face of a bleak future, the only logical course of action is to keep going.

He smiles more softly, but more easily, as Xantia describes the basis of it. This is why he was sure Xenia wouldn't be able to convince him her side of things. "Then if it comes to that, I'll remind you." He emits a cheerful string of robotic beeps. "I've at least got a robust database going for me!"

If Solaris doesn't learn how to delete it.

Xantia offers her help, because of course she does, and it's another sharp lance of electricity through his core. He wants to ask for a different promise: protect the others first, if it comes to that. The overrides tear it from his voice box before he can ever produce the sound. But maybe that's the kind of help he doesn't need to ask for. Maybe Xantia understands that, too.

So he smiles instead. "Thank you, Xantia."