2021-10-29: Those Who Are Torn Apart
- Log: Those Who Are Torn Apart
- Cast: Xantia, Id
- Where: The Karlsefni
- Date: October 29, 2021
- Summary: The most unlikely of people to show concern, and the most unlikely of people to put deep thoughts on display flounder outside of their respective comfort zones. Their conversation is no less meaningful for it.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia can be a bit difficult to pin down at the best of times, but today, she is truly in the last place anyone would expect. Her quarters on the Karlsefni. Perhaps one of the most logical places to look for a person, so naturally that wouldn't normally work out in Xantia's case. She barely even sleeps in that room, let alone spend the day in there. Especially when the ship is docked, as it is now, and she could leave any time she likes.
Not only that, she is engaged in a completely un-Xantia-like activity: sitting at a desk, writing. Whatever it is she's writing appears to be pretty long too, going by the fact that several pages that already have writing on them are stacked up in one corner of the desk.
Then again... what else is one supposed to do this room? Xantia hasn't brought much of anything in here aside from some spare clothes. The bed and desk were here to begin with, and of those she's only known to have used the former, at nighttime when the ship is at sea. What use is a desk for someone who is usually incapable of sitting still for any length of time?
Yet sit still in this room she does, and has been for the past several hours, moving only her right hand and pen. Brief pauses aside to think for a moment before returning her attention to the paper in front of her.
She's not an impostor, honest.
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
*knock knock*
Someone is knocking on Xantia's door! Right in the middle of one of Xantia's pauses.
And if she opens up the door...
Nobody's there. But there are a set of muddy footprints heading down the corridor and leading down, deeper and deeper into the depths of the Karlsefni. WHOMEVER is behind these footprints seems to be leading Xantia down to one of the lower cargo bays.
THOSE FOOTPRINTS...
Are actually probably not too familiar who pays attention to those, but perhaps Xantia has some ideas.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Who is it?" asks a distracted Xantia when she hears a knock, not quite as enthusiastic as usual. She thinks about her writings a moment longer before realizing that she hasn't gotten an immediate answer.
"It's not locked," she clarifies, as if locking her door is something she commonly does. Still nothing. Frowning, Xantia gets up from her seat to open the door herself. Having been immersed in her activity, it's with some annoyance that she starts, "I said..."
...but there's no one on the other side. Now more confused than anything, Xantia looks left, then right. Then slightly down, as she notices footprints. "Is this a prank? Am I being pranked?" she asks no one. She wouldn't be able to tell, but it's not the assumption she's going with.
Kneeling down, she places a hand on one of the footprints. After a moment, she jerks back her hand, seeming to have realized something. Then she breaks into a run, following after the footprints with all due haste. Someone is waiting for her.
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
No answer--
--Xantia takes after the footprints. Hammer arrives shortly after Xantia's offscreen and sighs as he goes to get a mop.
But for Xantia, she steps into the cargo bay. It's dark, outside of a single light swinging overhead. It swings by one way, then back the way it came. On the return, Id is standing there, in his jumpsuit, staring at Xantia.
"Had a feeling you'd come running."
He folds his arms across the chest, staring at Xantia as if she's the one who called HIM out. That's not what happened Id!
His left foot taps periodically.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
If Xantia had any idea what to expect after rushing into the cargo bay, it doesn't show on her face. That's not the kind of face you make when you're not surprised to see somebody.
She freezes shortly upon entering, returning Id's stare with one of her own. He looks annoyed, for some reason. She barely parses that part of the equation. She just looks him over, as if having a hard time believing he's really there. It's not entirely accurate, but close. As usual, one doesn't have to guess what she's thinking, she voices it soon enough.
"It's been... so long, since I've seen you like this."
It may well have been since the last time they had a serious conversation. Every time since then, it wasn't a complete transformation.
"...So long," Xantia repeats, balling her fists, and lowering her gaze. "I've been waiting, you know...? Waiting until you were ready to talk. Because, what you said made me think it would be better for you that way."
Xantia has never been very patient. Having to wait for something this long, without so much as saying anything about it, was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do. Now that the moment is here at last, there's really only one thing she can ask, as she raises her head to look Id in the eyes.
"Why now?"
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
"Waiting..." Id says softly. "I never understand you. You were like this from the beginning. Why do you even care about me? You still can't answer that, can you?"
He exhales, rubbing his neck in a Fei-like gesture before letting the hand drop.
Why now?
"...You should stop looking into your past," Id says. "You've got all the important things in life."
He turns to look away since looking right at Xantia right now isn't too easy.
"Don't throw it away in search of a past that doesn't care about you. You built your own family."
It IS a little strange to be so direct about it from this guy but he keeps it at this for now. Maybe he figures if he is too explanatory he'll be read like a book.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia can't help but chuckle. She's perfectly aware that most would consider it stupid, insane even, to care that much about someone with the kind of bloody history that Id has. But it's true. From the moment she first faced Id, when he'd asked her the question 'Are you strong?', she felt there was something about him. Something different, beyond simply being a far bigger challenge than any previous fight. She was never able to articulate what that was, exactly. It's not unfair to expect that she still can't. But...
"It's been so long, I've had plenty of time to think about... what it is about you. Why I can't put you out of my mind. Why I don't want to leave you alone. I'm not sure if I could put it in few words, but... I've been hoping I could make you understand. So if you'll let me..."
However, she has a question to pose, first. She wasn't expecting a direct answer. The one she gets... turning away from her is probably not enough to be unable to tell how it makes her feel to hear that.
"...What?"
There's a lot of emotion in that one word. Confusion. Disbelief. Anger. A hint of the denial that can easily be predicted to follow. But most of all, pain. This would hurt to hear from anyone. But to think of all people, Id would tell her that.
All told, the biggest surprise may be that she doesn't object more forcefully than she ends up doing.
"...You know I can't do that. I don't care about getting my past back, not anymore... but I do care about knowing what it was. To understand this old me, know how I used to feel. To finally free myself from the uncertainty I always have to deal with."
She crosses her arms, taking on a more sterner tone. "You know all that... so why ask me to do something you know I never will?"
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Id says, "...Sure, if you want to share your thoughts, feel free."
But first...
"...Look, I don't know literally what's going on here." Id says. "I don't have every single detail, but I have a pretty good idea once you start reading between the lines. One thing is for sure, the person responsible for your creation--they do not love you, they do not care for you. They likely see you as some kind of weapon, some kind of tool for some...end. And likely not a good one."
He forces himself to look back to Xantia.
"I talked to her, you know. It's obvious she's worried about you but isn't in a position to do what she really wants to do. Don't know if it's control programming, or just good old fashioned abuse, or--some technological trick. If you go looking, you might end up in the same position as her."
"Or in a worse one." He adds. "She said maybe I could reach you. I doubted it, but I figured I'd try anyway. This world has enough monsters. And you don't have to be one of them."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia seems calm enough, as she listens. Obviously not pleased, but she doesn't object to what Id is saying.
That is, until he says the words 'I talked to her'. That causes her to throw up her hands. "I knew it." NOW she's really ticked off, but not at Id. Xenia's been trying to turn people against her. How did she even manage to get to Id? This whole thing is going way too far.
It takes a moment for her to refocus on what's being said to her. It's clear as day that she doesn't have any sympathy towards this alleged sister of hers. And that she isn't willing to accept any words coming from her. It's not often that Xantia won't take anything said at face value, but where it comes to Xenia...
"She's obviously lying. She'd say anything to make me do what she wants. Whatever my past actually is, there's something there that's a problem for her, so she wants to keep me away from it. It won't work. I'm not giving up."
She paces briefly, making 'I don't believe this' handgestures, before whirling back around to Id. "Well, she was right about one thing. If it was you, actually you, who was trying to reach me, then you probably could. But it's not. She put you up to this. And you're not the only one, she's tried to get others on her side, too. I won't let her get away with that."
She presses the fingers of her right hand to her forehead. She needs a moment. Getting angry won't solve anything. Especially when the target of her anger isn't even here. One deep breath later, she seems to have managed to compose herself, looking back to Id with a softer expression.
"...But, I do believe you're genuinely concerned about me. So, thank you for that. But, you've got it all wrong. I don't even care if my 'Father' or 'Creator' or whatever you want to call it loves me or not. I just want to know who they are. If they thought of me like a tool, fine. I'm already prepared to hear all sorts of awful things, that doesn't mean I'll suddenly become someone I'm not. I haven't been their tool so far, and I don't plan for that to change. If they try to force me, I trust my friends will fight them and beat them, and everything will be fine. At least I'll finally know. That's all I want. To know."
She sighs deeply. All that, and she hasn't even said any of the things that she really wanted to get off her chest. But Id did give her an opening with this. She won't let it slip past.
"You know, I get it. I get why you're worried about this. It reminds you of yourself, doesn't it?"
She leaves an opening, but it's not meant for giving an answer. If it looks like Id is about to, she'll interrupt with her next words immediately.
"I get what's going on with you. I mean... I don't fully understand, and I don't think I could, but... I get it. You feel... torn apart. I get it, because it's the same for me, just in a different way. My current self, and whoever I used to be before I lost my memories. Even if they're not... you know, separate people... I think the way you feel about it is probably similar."
She looks off to the side. "It's just... things are wrong, it feels wrong. Ultimately, all you want is to just be able to feel like everything is right, for once. Without that sense of affirmation... it's like there's always something hanging over you. Something that's denying your right to exist." She turns back to Id.
"...Am I close?"
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Id says, "Lying?" to Xantia.
"...I don't think she's lying. Fei approached her because he was trying to find out your birthday. And hers. And--they didn't even tell her, Xantia. And if they're treating someone WORKING for them like that--how do you think they're going to treat you?"
He frowns. "...She may have 'put me up to this', but.. it's not like I disagree with her." He doesn't really buy that he could've convinced Xantia. Not without doing some things he's just not willing to do.
...But why isn't he willing to do them?
"What are you going to do if they turn your nanotechnology against you, Xantia? You've seen what happened to the girl. You could be trapped, with your will intact, forced to work for people who see you as a weapon. Do you want to be a demon, Xantia? Do you??"
He grits his teeth. "And that's the best case scenario. The worst is that they'll just delete everything wonderful about you with a short range signal, a codeword, a button."
"Do you know what it's like to have someone else in your head, Xantia? Someone you don't want inside your head? Mentally? Chemically?"
He steps back. "I'm here risking my--"
He cuts himself off.
Xantia says something dangerous.
"...Heh, you think it's that simple?" Id says.
His fingers curl into fists.
"Who gives a fuck who they are?" Id says. "They're just going to die. They're corpses in progress. That's all they all."
I trust my friends will fight them and beat them
"There are SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T WIN BY FIGHTING! Don't you get that already?!" Id explodes (metaphorically). "Power and strength aren't ENOUGH, don't you see that yet? If they were enough, do you think we'd be in this situation right now?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia really isn't interested in hearing how bad Xenia has it. The way she was hurt, personally slighted by this stranger who has her face, felt like the malice of someone who knew exactly what to do to hurt her the most. Turning Id against her would be one of those things. She can't help but feel that what's happening here is all according to whatever plan this supposed sister of hers has.
On the other hand, she can't not feel anything about what she's being told right now. It's plain to see that she starts to waver, and is unsure what to say. Fully out of obstinacy, she mumbles, "I don't care what my birthday is..." as if that was the main concern here. Something she has in common with Xenia it seems, but it wouldn't help anything to point that out.
What does help is being told that she could be trapped and forced, with her will intact. Because that already happened once. She could never forget about that time in Dazil. The mention of a short range signal shortly after makes it a mental one-two punch, reminding her of the fact that some device that Xenia has is capable of knocking her out before she even knows what happened. She grits her teeth right along with Id, frustrated that she can't think of any argument against this.
"There are SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T WIN BY FIGHTING!"
Only when she hears those words does she seem to find some fire again, looking back up at Id with some measure of defiance. She waits until he finishes speaking until she responds.
"Then what do you expect me to do?! Am I just supposed to live my life never knowing? Don't you know how agonizing it is for me? I can never stop wondering about my past, it's tearing me apart inside! I can't just ignore that!"
Xantia slams her fist into the wall behind her out of pure frustration. It does seem to help her calm a little, at least.
"...Besides, this isn't just about power and strength. What I meant to say was, my friends will find a way. If they can't fight it directly, they'll find another way to fight. They won't give up on me, just like I won't give up on finding out the truth. If that surprises you... well, I'm sorry, but I guess you underestimated how strong my need is to know exactly who I was and what I am. How do I even explain it in a way you'll understand?"
She glances behind her, at the dent she made in solid metal without any effort, without even thinking about it.
"...I don't know if I was ever normal. But I know I was somebody, once. I always thought that if I found out who that somebody was, that the rest would just sort of... fall into place. That everything would finally make sense. That hope helped to keep me going all this time. If I lose that..."
She shakes her head. "I can't lose that. I have to keep believing my answers are out there somewhere, and they'll help me sort everything out." She lets out a dry chuckle. "Call me a fool if you want. I'll take it as a compliment. You get the most done by being foolish and succeeding anyway."
She steps closer to Id, hands folded behind her back.
"All this reminds me of how you used to treat me. Always trying to push me away. I used to think it was because you thought I wasn't strong enough. Now I'm starting to think you were doing it because you thought you weren't strong enough."
She stops, shrugging exaggeratedly. "Look, I get it, there's a risk. A big enough risk that it's scary, even for someone as powerful as you. But... so what? If you don't take any risks, you know you'll never get what you want. If you do, then at least there's a chance! Is that not worth it?"
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
Am I supposed to live my life never knowing?
"That's what the people of this world excel most at! Not knowing things! Nobody wants the truth, they want the mystery because the mystery can be anything! But the truth is painful and dark and cruel and empty. You know what the people of this world did when We tried to tell them the truth? They murdered us and the woman we--"
He takes in a deep breath, and lets it out slowly.
"What is with you and Xenia not giving a shit about the most important shit we celebrate?" It's a bit of a detour but, well, if Id's specialty was doing things that helped he probably wouldn't be Id.
"So it's about faith." Id says. "You're just like her. She usually dies first, you know. They kill her first."
He is either calming down or he's getting quieter.
"The universe doesn't make sense, Xantia. It's chaotic and random, like an explosion. A big bang of possibility erupting out all at once and then just...being. Think, for a moment, how horrifying reality would be if it made sense."
But he's flagging a bit. Sincerity is not something Id is accustomed to expressing and it's frustrating him how readily Xantia seems to drag it out of him.
"...It's not about strength." Id repeats. "There are tools in place beyond the most fevered imaginings of most of the Drifters in the world, and still beyond even the ones that even know what a nanomachine is."
He looks back to Xantia. "Ask Doc about getting Shevat to check you out. Have him oversee it. If he can prove to you that there's no control programming, I won't give you shit about this again. But if there is---then you need to stay away because I can't punch out a CONTROL CODE."
Take a risk huh. No, Id can't share the risk he's planning on taking. Not yet.
"And right now I'm not smart enough either." He adds.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
He's talking about the people of this world again, as if he isn't one. Xantia isn't surprised anymore about Id speaking as if he's an outsider to everything. That's probably exactly how he feels. It made it difficult to speak with him on equal terms. But this time it's different. She's been mulling things over in her head, for well over a year. Plenty of time to figure out what it is she really wants to say to him.
"...You're not wrong. Part of me is scared of the truth. That's only natural. There's undoubtedly such a thing as knowing more about the truth than a human should. But there will always be people who chase after the truth anyway. You don't understand that anymore, do you?"
She gives Id a look of sympathy. A look he probably doesn't see much of, but always seems to come naturally to Xantia.
"Human lives must seem so small to you, appearing to end in the blink of an eye. It probably seems ridiculous to think they could figure out anything meaningful and learn how to handle it in such a short amount of time. But knowing our lives are so short is exactly what gives us our strong will. You've resigned yourself to things always ending the same way, but we don't even have that perspective, we only have one chance. It's natural to want to do all we can, instead of accepting things as inevitable."
She shrugs helplessly. "Not that I know everything about humans, in general. I don't understand why people think it's important to celebrate random dates, for example. Maybe if I had all my memories, that would be different. See, that's the sort of thing I'm talking about. I don't need to know how reality works. Just... things that already make sense to everyone else."
Things change when Id mentions Shevat however. That causes her to raise her hands defensively. "Whoa, hold on, I don't know if I trust Shevat that much. Doc, sure, but right now I'm not so sure even he'll be safe if he gets too involved. That's another reason why I need to know more, I feel like my friends will be in danger otherwise." Still, she looks away briefly, before at least promising, "...But, I'll think it over. It's not like that isn't something I'm worried about, too. I could talk to Doc, at least."
It's not been an easy conversation to have. And yet, at this point of it, Xantia finds herself smiling. "Thank you. I remember what you told me before, that this sort of thing is hard for you. So, let me just promise you this." She steps even closer to Id, until she's directly in front of him.
"If you try to cast aside the things that you need most, I'll be there to pick them up for you. If you run off to do something stupid, I'll be there to pull you back to the point where you can see reason. And if you do something really bone-headed like forget all about me, I'll be there to remind you of who I am."
She leans forward, smile even brighter than before. "That's all me, doing what I want. And you can keep doing whatever you want. Don't even worry about it."
<Pose Tracker> Id has posed.
"Weren't you the ones who decided to trust Shevat," Id says, deadpan. "There isn't much choice on the matter, really. Nobody else has the resources or presence to even imagine looking into it." As far as he knows, anyway. Sorry Taura!! You don't exist on grid yet!!
"...Yeah, at least talk to Doc." He grimaces. "Don't you fuckin' dare say I sent you towards him. He really can't get the wrong idea about me. He'll probably overthink it and he shouldn't know about me getting up and moving around to try and convince you to not jump down any wells. Ruins my image."
Id's grumpy about it but there's a sense that he really is trying to keep himself out of the limelight for the time being.
"...I didn't think I could stop you anyway. Maybe if I said the right words, but I can only say things the way I can say 'em."
He turns back to Xantia and adds, "And if you're thinking about it, well, that's the best I can do. But.."
He hesitates, and murmurs to himself, "Not yet. Not yet. Don't you dare..."
And then up and aloud to Xantia. "...They don't seem small. Human lives. I'm human, after all."
He shakes his head.
"Real humans..."
He's said too much. And it's not like he can independently verify that with his missing time.
".......Well, do what you want then. In the end everyone's going to die anyway. Might as well enjoy the time you all have got. Fine."
TsunIdre?? Nevertheless...
"Out of time. See you around, 'sis'."
There is a flash of light--and then he's gone to dump Fei's body in a really annoying place.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Abruptly left by herself, Xantia finds herself staring at the spot that Id used to be standing in with a stunned expression. Although he gave her a lot of things to think about, in the moment she's only able to focus on one.
"He called me 'sis'..."