2021-11-20: If You Won't Speak Up, I Will
- Log: If You Won't Speak Up, I Will
- Cast: Xantia, Leon Albus
- Where: The Karlsefni
- Date: November 20, 2021
- Summary: Xantia presents an unexpected and unusual gift to Leon, and they discuss the matter of Leon's recently regained memories, as well as an interesting detail regarding Xenia's recent activities...
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's been turbulent times in the world of Xantia lately. Yet ironically, she herself hasn't been involved with the most recent Xantia-related events: Xenia's hostile takeover of a Digger's Guild operation, and a conversation regarding what might happen should she regain her memories. The former not exactly by choice, and the latter because she has no idea there ever was a conversation like that.
Even so, one might surmise that Xenia's recent actions would give her plenty to be concerned about. And indeed, she's been spending an awful lot of time in her quarters on the Karlsefni lately. That alone is notable - she barely used that room to even sleep in unless she absolutely had to, and now she's been spending most of the day in there at times. At least it's made it easy to keep track of her whereabouts for once. Though all things considered, a change in behavior might be more cause for concern than having to wonder where she's wandered off to this time. Then again, even Xantia needs time to herself every once in a while.
Perhaps today, the need for company outweighed the need for alone time, as there's a knock on the door of Leon's office. Xantia waits for the expected reaction, before opening the door and stepping inside. With a casual motion, she uses her foot to close the door behind her, keeping her hands behind her back. She seems... uncommonly subdued. Also uncommon for her: she doesn't immediately open with the matter of why she's here, but starts off by asking, "Is this a bad time...?"
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
Turbulent times, indeed.
Leon would say he can't remember the last time it wasn't turbulent, except recent days have been moreso. Discoveries about his past have him on edge in a generalized way; for that matter, Xantia's troubles -- which are now Xenia's troubles, too -- have come to the fore. In a way, it's a pleasant distraction for Leon to not worry about his own problems.
Except that's neither fruitful nor healthy.
Fortunately, he knows where Xantia is. And she knows where he is; he looks up as the door opens -- Xantia enters -- and then the door closes, though in a more subdued fashion. His silver eyes blink. "Ah, Xantia--" Leon is sitting at his desk, sleeves rolled up, and had been writing a few notes out on a ledger. There are maps on his desk, too. "No, not a bad time at all. Please, have a seat."
The chair across from his is familiar, by now.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia usually needs the invitation to have a seat for her to even think of doing so. She doesn't do so right away this time either, glancing at the seat before her eyes go back to Leon. It's easy enough to read that something is concerning her, not so much what that is, exactly. At least it's not too long of an awkward silence before she speaks again.
"I um, well... how should I put this." There's another short pause, before she shrugs, and brings her hands into view, revealing a sizable stack of papers in her right, which she proceeds to place on the desk next to Leon's own writings. Clearly feeling awkward, Xantia begins to somewhat hurriedly explain herself.
"Back when I started writing this, I thought you might be feeling distracted, and I know you wouldn't ask anyone else to do it, so I figured I'd do it for you. But then stuff happened, and y'know... it took me a little longer than I meant to, so maybe you already did it yourself by now, and if you don't need it anymore, that's fine, I just... well, I thought it was a waste to not finish it after what I'd done already."
Looking at the papers, it appears to be... a report. On Wec Stann. Written neatly by hand, methodically and sticking to the facts of what she's observed herself while at the facility, and what she learned from the others present while their groups were split up. Naturally there are a number of details she couldn't know about, but on the whole, it's about as complete as Xantia could have possibly managed on her own. It even includes an AAR, which is actually properly labeled as being an AAR with all the relevant and expected sections, on the Gear battle that followed.
Needless to say, this is completely unlike anything Xantia has ever done. Thus the most likely possibilities are... either Xantia has become or perhaps has always been far more aware of how military-style reports are written than anyone would have guessed, or she's read reports that Leon wrote himself and managed to both comprehend and replicate that writing style. Either way, it certainly conveys a feeling of having been written expressly the way that Leon would have wanted a report to be written, in Xantia's estimation at least.
The irony of an amnesiac still remembering things in enough detail to be capable of completing this even many weeks later would be lost on her. But it probably makes a bit more sense now why she looks a little nervous. It must be Leon's reaction to this that she's worried about.
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
Clearly, something is bothering Xantia. It's notable that she doesn't share right away, Leon thinks -- though as he has gotten to know her, he has come to realize that she doesn't always wear her heart on her sleeve. She keeps some things to herself. He looks at the stack of paper -- and his eyes widen for a moment in surprise. He did not think Xantia the type to write much.
Certainly not lengthy reports. He takes the stack of paper; he starts leafing through it, fingers working over them, and his eyebrows knit for a moment. "This is..." He trails off. "...this looks to be quite thorough."
He shakes his head once. "I've written one, but two allows us to compare and contrast."
He does read a few lines. Then, Leon looks up -- he peers at Xantia for a moment. "Thank you, for this. What... ah... what prompted you to be so thorough?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia seems to have decided that this reaction is positive enough to conclude that Leon appreciates her gift, causing the more familiar bright smile to appear on her face as the effort is deemed 'thorough'. "I did my best!"
It'd be hard to imagine that this isn't the best she could do. It's full of terms and phrasings that nobody's ever heard her say out loud, and one would be forgiven in assuming she wouldn't know the meaning of. Yet she's used them correctly here. It's dry writing, but then, reports usually are. The fact that creative, flowery writing isn't necessary here would certainly make it easier for someone who still regularly stumbles over figurative phrasings.
Still, for someone who hates to sit still as much as Xantia does, writing this much still seems like a big ask. What indeed could have motivated her?
"I just wanted to do something nice for you!"
Simple and genuine to a fault. But of course, if that's all she wanted, she wouldn't have chosen something this time-consuming and, well, un-Xantia-like. There is a bit more to it. Xantia finally takes that seat before she continues.
"To be honest, I've been worried. When you learned about your past back there..." Leon may remember her worried reaction, bordering on panic. There's nothing that strong in her expression now, but the concern is still there. It's a more serious Xantia than commonly seen.
"...Well. That was a lot to learn about all at once. And I know a little about how overwhelming that can be. So, if you want to talk about it... I'd like to know how you feel about it now. Just, anything is fine, whatever's on your mind. Don't worry about the way it sounds, I have a feeling I'll understand just fine."
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
"I'd say it's well done," Leon says, and he smiles sincerely; he seems to mean it, especially as the part of the report he read seemed to have a level of detail and precision that he did not quite expect.
"Well, I appreciate it greatly," he says to Xantia, with a nod of his head. Then, a glance downward as she admits that she has been concerned. She isn't the only one, he knows.
"Mm. I can see why you are worried," Leon says. "It... was a lot to learn, all at once." His eyes look distant, for a moment. "I had my suspicions, as I mentioned. But... I think the feeling I am left with..."
He trails off. "...I fear that I expected answers," he says, "and I found far more questions instead. I know my past, and yet the questions have grown harder. To answer -- and to ask, for that matter."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"I'm glad!"
As tickled pink as Xantia clearly is about the appreciation for the amount of work she put into this, it's a safe bet that this isn't something she's going to be making a habit of. This was a special occasion, easily traced back to her concerns regarding Leon's state of mind. Going out of her way to do something she wouldn't normally do may well be motivated by the simple wish to show how much she cares. In that way, perhaps this isn't so unlike her at all. What makes the most sense to Xantia is rarely what makes the most sense to anybody else.
She's at least as direct and overt as usual in the way she immediately steers the conversation to her primary concerns, which just happen to have to do with Leon at the moment. And when she hears his response, the flat of her hand hits the desk.
"I knew it! That's it, isn't it? That's how it always is, you learn something about your past that feels like it's very important, then you really think about it, and it's like... well great, I know this now, but what good does that do me? That didn't actually give me any direct answers about who I used to be, and now I have even more questions about that, all it really did for me was make me more worried!"
She's just a tiny bit frustrated. While it's not a feeling she'd wish for anybody to share, at the same time it's hard to not get a little excited about the realization that someone now knows just how she feels, and has felt, all this time. She clears her throat, recomposing herself.
"Sorry about that. It's just... yeah, see, I understand, just like I said." She sits back, crossing her arms. "It's a really tough situation. But it's important not to get lost in all the questions. All you can do is keep chasing the answers. The worst thing you can do is give up on asking, that's the one thing that's sure to leave you always wondering. You have to know before you can even begin to understand."
Leaning forward, she places her hands on the edge of the desk. "If there's anything, anything at all I can do to help you with that, please let me know. Whether it's talking, or looking into something, anything. I want to help with these sorts of questions more than anything."
It's plain to see how much this means to her, whether it's her own situation, or that of someone else. ...And why trying to convince her otherwise might well be an impossible task.
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
The directness is a blessing, in a way. Leon otherwise would have been wondering during the entirety of the small talk when they would get to this.
"Quite right," he says, when she says her response -- and he doesn't wince when she hits his desk with the flat of her palm. The small clock on the desk rattles, though.
"I can see you've felt the same," Leon says, mildly. "Though... it's hard to not get wrapped up in the questions. They are rather big questions -- about what I should do, about how it affects others. For a time, I thought... whoever I was, it was my problem."
He glances to the side. "Now, I realize it is all of yours, as well. I don't know how I feel about that. Even if, I suspect, I know how all of you feel -- that it doesn't change your intentions or allegiances."
He looks back at Xantia. "I feel like those questions are hard to not stop and consider."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia says nothing when Leon remarks that she's felt the same way, but there's a brief widening of the eyes. Could it be that she didn't realize that she just made that very obvious? Of course it could, it's Xantia, she has a knack for noticing what's not obvious and missing what is.
She looks pensive at the remainder of his words, furrowing her brow and looking down at the desk. This seems to be giving her some food for thought to digest. As usual, she doesn't leave what she's thinking about to the imagination for long, returning her gaze to Leon once she feels she sorted things out enough.
"To be honest, my first thought was to say that you don't need to worry about what you 'should' do. Just what you want to do. But I think I understand what you're saying. It's because you're a leader, isn't it? You're thinking that whatever you choose to do will mean all of the Black Wolves will get dragged into it, is that it?"
She shakes her head, smiling. "I don't think that makes any difference. Or have you forgotten what you said to me, when I came asking to hire the Wolves because I didn't want to just ask you to put yourself at risk for me? I haven't."
There's a sudden change in her bearing, posture and expression, in clear imitation of Leon as he was at that time. "But... you're one of us. We'd protect you without requiring payment." There's no way she could mimic his actual voice, so she didn't try, but she did adapt the tone and inflection of how those words were spoken at the time. It only lasts for as long as required, then she sinks back into her previous, more relaxed position, smile returning.
"That's how it is. We'd do it just 'cause you're one of us, not because you happen to be the one in charge. We're not military, we don't take your orders because we have to listen to you as a superior. We do it because we believe in you, the person. It's a friend thing! I'd say something to any friend if I thought they were making a bad decision. That, at least, is something you don't need to worry about."
She could hardly blame somebody for being worried about the same things she sometimes worries about. But she can at least attempt to be reassuring about them, like people always do for her.
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
"That's correct--or, maybe, that you'll feel you should be involved because I am in command," Leon explains. He won't force them to fight. It is well established; he is not that sort of captain and it is not that sort of operation. "Not by force, but obligation is a nuanced yet powerful thing."
He hesitates, though, and he quiets down when Xantia speaks. He can recognize that he is being quoted -- imitated, even. It's almost funny; he gets a wry smile on his lips.
"Well said," he says. "And... you're quite right. Were the situation reversed, I would tell you that I would help." His eyes glance downward for a moment, then.
"I'll place my faith in all of you," he says. "I suppose... that is one question answered."
His smile turns wistful. "If only the others were so easy, hm?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia beams when her solution to that particular quandary is accepted. She's always happy just being of help to somebody. All she can do is say how she feels, she's never quite sure whether that's actually helpful. It's reassuring to see that being the case.
The smile fades when she's forced to acknowledge, "Yes... I guess that's the easy part. For the rest, all you can really do is keep watching for opportunities to learn more, and take them when they happen. Having to just sit there and wait is..." Well, even if she only shakes her head instead of finishing the sentence, it's well-known what Xantia's feelings on inaction are.
"Let me just tell you what I think is the most important to remember." She places a hand on her chest, proceeding to speak plainly, yet emphatically.
"Discovering you used to have a different life - that you were a different person, and you don't know who that person was... it never stops being worrying, sometimes even frightening. But in the end, who you are is up to you. Learning about your history doesn't make you go back to being someone else. Who you are now matters too. And if you don't want to lose that, you don't have to. If you remember what and who are most important to you, I'm sure you can find a way to be the person you want to be now, while not ignoring the person you were before."
That's obviously something she's put a lot of thought into, and has the utmost faith in. It's also the complete opposite of what Xenia has claimed is true in Xantia's case. Either unaware of or ignoring this issue, Xantia smiles brightly, proud of her own words.
"Well, what do you think? Sound good? It took me a long time because I had that figured out, so I hope it helps you to already know that."
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
That is the easy part. Leon feels a flicker of guilt that he made that smile dim -- but on the other hand, they couldn't simply ignore the issue.
"I understand. You can look, but unless you know where to... then you may well be wasting your time," he says. And then he quiets -- waiting, as she explains that most important thing.
His brow furrows -- and then he nods his head. "I see... yes, it makes sense. I won't lie, I couldn't help but wonder -- and try to imagine -- that life I led, five thousand years ago. I tried to imagine what my life could have been. The life I've been offered."
He shakes his head. "You can't leave behind where you came from... but it does not erase the present. I think I see your meaning. I have to agree. To cast aside everything else... it would be everything I've seen since I was young."
He shakes his head. "And everyone I've met, as well."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Exactly, nobody wants that!" Xantia's reply is immediate, and perhaps a bit louder than strictly necessary. But that tends to happen when it comes to things she feels strongly about.
"It actually did used to be what I wanted, to just be who I was 'supposed' to be again. But it doesn't work like that. It shouldn't. I guess, maybe that makes more sense once you have more memories, but, that would be like saying nothing you did since losing your memories mattered. That's just... wrong."
She briefly pauses, perhaps thinking back to the past, before shaking her head and smiling again. "That's all I really wanted to say. I hope you'll talk to me if there's anything about memory that's worrying you. I think I can sound pretty smart when it's about that! Just 'cause punching things is what I like to do best doesn't mean that's all I can do!"
With that, she hops out of the chair. It might have seemed like she'd proceed to hop right on out of the room as well, but she just freezes as soon as she stands.
"Oh, that reminds me... you know about the whole thing that Xenia did on Kattelox, right? I actually know a little bit more about that. Not a lot more, but a little. I don't really know what it means, but I feel like I should probably tell you, and maybe you'll be able to make sense of it? Or... put it in the report? Is there a report?"
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
"I'm glad you realized. All of us are quite fond of you -- the you that is with us, not one from the past," Leon says, with a smile. He nods his head, and then he blinks his eyes. "Of course. I know I'm... not the best at remembering to speak up when I need to, on matters such as these."
As in he tends to take everything on his own shoulders, and not share when he is hurt.
She hops up -- and he blinks. Then, Leon quickly nods his head. "I'd like to know. I don't know, yet, if someone is writing the report--but I suspect Doctor Uzuki shall, if he hasn't started already. I can make sure it's in his. What is it?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"That's fine," Xantia replies on the matter of not speaking up. "I know what it's like, so maybe I'll notice without you having to say anything. If you won't speak up, I will."
...That probably wasn't actually meant to sound like a threat. See, she's smiling, nothing to worry about.
Regarding the matter that she brings up after, Xantia considers a moment, then sits back down. It feels more appropriate for relating this story. Compared to her previous body language, it doesn't appear to be something she actively worries about - which would explain why she almost forgot to mention it - but rather just something that has her puzzled. She's thus more relaxed and animated than she was speaking of the earlier matters.
"Okay, so, after everything that happened, I got really worried that the Digger's Guild was going to put out a bounty on Xenia. That would be... well, I wouldn't like that. Since she looks just like me, that could cause all sorts of problems. So I asked them not to. I thought it would be pretty hard to convince them, since Xenia stole a rare and valuable thing that can power big vessels, I figured they'd want that back real badly."
She pauses, even though she basically already gave away how that went. "...They just agreed, immediately. Kind of felt like they'd already decided they wouldn't do that to begin with."
One might expect that was the whole of it, but then she leans forward, speaking in a hushed tone. "Now, I can't tell you who told me this, they made me promise not to, but, if what I was told is true..."
Xantia actually looks left and right, to... make sure no one else is around, presumably? She knows she's in an office, right?
"...the Digger's Guild received a large sum of Gella not long after the robbery. A donation from an investor, so they say. Ever since then, people haven't been talking about the incident at all."
Leaning back, Xantia can only offer a small shrug, unsure what to think of all this. "Works out for me I suppose, but I don't know what it means, if anything."
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
"I'll try to not deny it out of stubbornness," Leon says with a smile.
He listens to the story about Xenia -- noting that it was important enough for Xantia to sit down. He hesitates for a moment, and then he nods his head after a moment. "I see... like they were paid off," he says, at the end. "A bribe, then. To make them not ask."
He rubs his hand over his beard. "We should be discrete, but we could make some inquiries. If we found out who paid... well."
He cracks a smile. "More information is good, hm?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia blinks blankly, repeating, "A bribe?" At first it looks like she never considered the possibility (which, to be fair, is true), but then she shakes her head, confused for a whole different reason.
"Wait, but if she had enough money to do that, couldn't she have just bought one of those things instead of stealing it?"
Leon brings up the matter of 'who paid', which makes her eyes go wide. "Wait, you mean, there might be someone else who...?" She puts a hand on her forehead. "This sounds like it could be really complicated. No wonder I couldn't figure it out."
More information is good, huh? Xantia gives a helpless shrug. "I guess? I probably shouldn't brag about being good at more than just punching things, because I sure have no idea who I could still ask what at this point. But it sounds like you do, so... good...?"
No one ever claimed Xantia was any good in matters of Intrigue. That might be one of those words she doesn't know the meaning of, in fact.
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
"I could be wrong -- maybe she paid them off, after, to keep quiet," Leon says. "But... we can't rule out a third party either, Xantia."
He runs a hand down across his beard, and his eyes narrow for a moment. Then, he nods his head. "It's worth sending out some feelers. I've got a couple of contacts with the Diggers. Of course, a discrete bribe can be hard to track down."
He shakes his head. "I'll see what I can do. Thank you for telling me, Xantia. It's good to know, even if it is baffling."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Baffling is right. Xantia looks tired, already having lost her way trying to puzzle out how the possibilities would fit this situation. It's only too fitting that she would fail to put together the correct meaning of something at a time like this.
"Feelers? You're going to send out bugs?"
Bugging people would be one way to put it, but there's no way that she intended that in any way but literally. But she can still manage a faint smile, quite certain of at least one thing.
"I'm glad I told you, something tells me you can do more with this than I could."
<Pose Tracker> Leon Albus has posed.
"Ah--no, it's... a saying," Leon says, his eyes blinking a couple of times. He shakes his head. "I just meant I would ask, perhaps a little subtly."
He forgot who he was talking to for a moment.
Leon smiles at Xantia -- and decides she is likely right. "We all have our strengths, Xantia," he says. "I'm skilled at making that kind of inquiry. Among other things." The other things tend to be violent or working with machinery.
"I'll let you know, if I find anything out," he adds.