2022-01-08: Contradiction and Complexity Are Facts of Life
- Log: Contradiction and Complexity Are Facts of Life
- Cast: Xantia, Ida Everstead-Rey
- Where: Guild Galad - Skyside
- Date: January 08, 2022
- Summary: A few hours after a rousing game of Twenty Questions, Xantia lingers at the Everstead-Rey estate so she and Ida can have a long-overdue conversation of a more serious nature, learning more about their respective pasts, and coming to an understanding.
=========================<* Guild Galad - Skyside *>========================== Though Guild Galad is one of Filgaia's largest cities, only a portion of it sits above-ground. The nearby earth was poisoned long ago by chemicals leaching from the Boneyard, forcing the initial settlers to take up residence in the ruined Demon citadel nearby. Today, this citadel is the city of Guild Galad, and Skyside is the only part of it that sees the sun. The Galad River runs east through Skyside before making a sharp turn south and flowing into the sea. Centuries of pollution have turned it into a fetid soup, but ships can navigate it all the same. Steam-driven winches sit on the riverbanks, lit by electric floodlights. Motor-coaches with wide, flat beds drive to and from the docks, ferrying freight to other parts of the city. Many of them descend into the city's lower levels via a massive cargo lift called the Devil's Stair. Land near the river is too valuable to waste on housing--with the exception of a handful of pubs and gambling-houses, much of it is devoted to warehouses. Northern Skyside might as well be a different city entirely. Separated from the docks by a series of gates and walls, it's home to many of Guild Galad's wealthiest citizens--the members of the great Merchant Houses. Each family estate is its own walled fiefdom, and the youngest of them is at least two centuries old. The estates are in turn surrounded by shops, restaurants, and institutions that cater to the well-heeled. Glassy arcades contain high-end stores and luxury boutiques, while tiny "pocket parks" offer wealthy citizens the chance to sit on actual grass. In the very center of Skyside lies the Master's Hall--a baroque steel-framed dome that contains the meeting-place of the city's Great Council, as well as the offices of the city-state's bureaucracy. BGM: Sunless Skies - Albion London Lights
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Though she started off visibly feeling rather uncomfortable about this visit to the Everstead-Rey estate, Xantia settled more into her usual level of seemingly unconcerned cheer over time. Elly's suggestion of party games had been a stroke of genius in that regard, giving her something else to put her mind to. Even if she's been perhaps surprisingly clumsy during those games. What she said earlier was definitely true - she doesn't usually do things just for fun, she just has fun with whatever she happens to be doing. Playing games is oddly foreign to her.
She also dropped enough hints for both Azoth and Elly to figure out that she wanted to have a private talk with Ida before leaving. Unknowingly of course. She was pretty confused when she didn't even have to ask Elly if it was okay for her to stick around a bit and go back on her own later, and Azoth decided to leave at the same time Elly did. It was very considerate of them, but alas, Xantia's never going to realize that's what happened.
As such, Xantia remains in Ida's office as the others depart. She doesn't seem that uncomfortable anymore, but considering the likely topics that will be spoken of, it's hard not to feel at least a little awkward. She's not so relaxed as to stay seated, pacing about the room for a moment before she speaks. There's one thing that she absolutely needs to know before anything else.
"So... you said you wanted to get to know each other. Is that just because you're friends with my friends? Or... because of something she said about me? If she did say something, I'd like to know, just... so I can tell you if it's true or not."
She doesn't say it straight out, but all things considered, it's probably obvious who she's talking about. Last time she saw Ida, it was before going off to confront her alleged sister, Xenia. While she still doesn't fully understand what it is Xenia wants, she's become quick to assume that part of it is to somehow undermine her through her interactions with people she knows.
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
Though it doesn't show on her face, there's a part of Ida that wonders what she's just gotten herself into. That part keeps replaying everything she knows about Xantia--her sister, their mysterious handlers, the programming that drives them to kill "enemies of Filgaia". It helps that she has something to keep her hands busy. The tea is still there, and still warm, so Ida pours herself a second cup, and adds sugar. Lola sits on her lap, a warm, steadying presence.
Xantia asks a hell of a question, and Ida finds herself needing all the stability she can get.
"She didn't say anything about you," Ida says, and it's the truth--Xenia didn't try to drag her sister verbally, even though she all but framed her through her actions. "If that helps you feel better." She sets the tea down and starts stroking Lola's fur; Lola, for her part, seems calm and content where she is. "And yes, we have mutual friends, but--primarily, I want to know where we stand. Earlier, you said that I was making you feel uncomfortable. I know you've had episodes where you've dissociated, and hurt your friends. Where you killed people who couldn't fight back."
"I want you to know that I want to get to the bottom of that--not to hurt you, but to help you, and to ensure that it never happens again."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia mmms at that initial assertion, nodding a bit. She's not surprised that Xenia didn't speak of her during the battle - others have said as much - but she couldn't help but wonder whether it was left at that. It wouldn't be the first time that Xenia sought people she knows out in what to her seemed like an attempt to turn them against her. Not being the mistrustful sort, she readily believes that nothing like that happened in Ida's case.
She remains standing for a moment, continuing her pacing, still a bit uncertain how to start this conversation of properly. This isn't disrupted by the mention of the episode where she hurt her friends. She's painfully aware of how much sense it makes for that to be brought up as one of the more... notable dealings that she had with Ida.
But then Ida follows that with 'killed people who couldn't fight back'. That causes her to freeze in her tracks, and turn to Ida with clear surprise. It quickly fades, to be replaced with a guilty expression. "...So you already know about that." She was planning to speak of it herself, but evidently Lily or someone else who knew about that must have mentioned it already. She's unsure whether or not that makes things easier.
She can't manage to make how guilty she feels not show on her face as she finally returns to her seat. Uninterested in the tea, she places her hands on her knees, looking down slightly instead of directly looking Ida in the eyes.
"...Thank you. And... I'm sorry. I guess you've probably realized that I've been avoiding you, and why." She raises her gaze at this point. "I just... figured it'd be easier if we weren't friends. That if I lost control again around you, you would just think of me as that girl who tried to kill everybody that one time, and so wouldn't hesitate. I need people to be ready to stop me, if it comes to that. I don't want to hurt anybody who isn't trying to hurt others, for any reason."
She leans back in her seat, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. "...Well... if there's things you want to ask me, feel free. I have questions about you, too." She gives Ida an awkward smile. "Maybe we could trade questions? That's sort of like a game, isn't it?"
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
Lola raises her head as Xantia paces, 'butterfly' ears perking. When that motion stops, the papillon whines, and glances back and forth between Ida and her guest. Ida's eyes grow dark with sympathy. There was a point in time where she wouldn't be able to muster that, where she would've been torn between guilt and shock and horror and rage. Much has happened since then, and beyond that, the meeting let her get her initial reaction off her chest. That still doesn't make it easy.
"I know," Ida says. "Nothing can bring those people back." She looks down at Lola, and pets her some more in an attempt to lower the overall level of tension in the room. "But that's--" She trails off. What else can she say? Xantia speaks, and what she says renders Ida speechless for a moment. She knows. She knew. God, Ida thinks, has Azoth made that calculation himself? Or has he taken it in a different direction--one that exploits the bonds he's made to further Solaris' goals?
The latter is far more horrible. It feels like it fits.
"I understand," Ida says. "It would not be the first time I've had to stop a friend. I think we were both there in the aftermath of the Photosphere, when Id tried to destroy Adlehyde. Sometimes I fear everyone might have to stop me."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Ida understands. Xantia had no doubts of it. It makes a lot more sense to her now why she was invited. She too thinks of Azoth, how in spite of everything that happened and what they learned, people genuinely still want to help him, herself included. Perhaps it was wrong to try and distance herself. Even though she can't help but feel there's a higher than average risk involved around Ida.
It's strange, but she actually finds herself smiling when Ida mentions the incident with Id. Okay maybe not that strange, by her standards. She has warmer feelings towards Id than most, after all. And how could she forget that particular incident? At the end of it, Ida punched Id in the gut, having busted through the front of his Gear, while she'd broken into it from the other side and hugged him from behind. Their efforts to hold him back were the most direct ones. Perhaps a strange thing to feel some kind of connection about, but no one would accuse Xantia of being ordinary.
"I remember... you care about him too, don't you? A lot of people don't understand him, but... I think you might. There's something there... a connection." She wears a complicated, hard to read expression for moment, before she nods, seeming to have made a decision.
"Actually... do you mind if we talk about that for a moment? I've always been curious... about Luisa Rey."
Xantia seems to expect dropping that name will provoke a reaction of some sort, pausing afterwards. Only once she's certain it's alright to continue will she do so.
"Id keeps saying I remind him of her. I don't understand what he means by that. But I want to. And, I feel like maybe it will help me understand you, too, if you're willing to tell me what you know about her."
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
"I do," Ida says, with a little shrug. "He actually tried to reach out to me when I was at my lowest. That was when we became friends, as strange as it sounds. I was mired in despair, and angry at the world, and everyone in it. That's his resting state. I can't comprehend what he's suffered through, but we can at least be there for one another."
As the tension diffuses, Lola lies back down. Ida resumes petting her. She blinks, once, as Xantia drops a very familiar name. "I don't mind," Ida says. "Learning about her helped me learn about myself, as well." The heiress straightens up, even as some of the tension bleeds out of her. This she can explain. "There was an old legend on my father's side that one of our ancestors was one of the legends of the Old War--the wielder of a 'Demon-killing ARM'. A little digging gave me a name, and I matched that name to some murals in the Ruins of Memory."
"With Fei's help, I was able to fit the first few pieces together. She fought the Hyadean armies alongside Harthcourt Valeria, Lynn Adlehyde, and Fei and Elly's past selves. She was a martial artist of great skill and singleminded dedication--but her heart was set on vengeance against the man who'd orphaned her twice over." Ida stops petting Lola, and raises her right hand. It looks perfectly normal.
"His name was Fafnir, and this was his arm."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia lets out a soft chuckle when told about the circumstances in which Id reached out to Ida. "That doesn't sound strange to me at all. He'd never admit it, but I know he cares about people who are like him in some way. Not that he wants anybody to be like him, but... well, it's complicated." More complicated than Xantia can explain. Instead, she remarks on her own experience in getting to know Id. "Wasn't that easy for me! I had to chase him all over the place before he gave up trying to make me stop following him." Which... presumably is something that made sense for her to do.
Xantia nods in understanding at Ida's reaction. She wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but thankfully Luisa doesn't seem a particularly touchy subject. Her own reaction upon receiving an answer to her questioning actually makes it seem like it's more touchy for her, somehow. She's pensive, presumably trying to piece together a puzzle that's eluded her for some time, or perhaps a nerve was touched somewhere in there. Hearing Fei and Elly's past selves were there doesn't cause any sort of surprise at least - that has already become part of her 'normal'.
But that description... that certainly calls to mind certain words that were spoken to her, prompting her to mumble them out loud. "...She wouldn't take no for an answer either, and where is she now? Dead by her own vengeance and Filgaia pays the price for such choices." She doesn't seem to realize she did so for a moment, going 'oh' and raising her voice shortly after. "That's what Id said to me, when he compared me to her. I mean, I get the whole martial artist thing, but what's he trying to say with the rest of it?" She frowns.
She regards Ida's arm, when she raises it. Well, it certainly looks human enough. But Xantia concludes matter-of-factly, "Fafnir... he was a Hyadean, wasn't he?"
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
"Most people make a point of staying away from the Demon of Elru," Ida says, arching a brow to accentuate the statement. "Who in their right mind would chase after him?" A pause. "People like us, apparently." She smiles. "Someone has to."
But Id's words seem to strike a cord with Ida, and the dry humor gives way to something more contemplative. "Id didn't have the whole story," she says, "because Fei's past-self sacrificed himself to weaken Mother. Luisa wasn't there. Fafnir tried to stop them before they could infiltrate the fortress, and she..." Ida knows what Luisa said, what she wrote, how she felt. "She abandoned her friends to fight her nemesis, and end him, once and for all. While the others fought their way to Mother, she and Fafnir fought their last duel. She killed him. By the time she found out what happened, Fei and Elly's selves were long since dead. It took her so long to forgive herself for what she'd done."
"I think Id assumed the worst, because that's his experience. Luisa lived, and fought, and eventually found a way out of her despair. She went on to create so much, but he didn't know any of that. He just saw her at her lowest, and her weakest."
Ida curls human-looking fingers into a fist. "He was. Luisa's teacher, Sirocco, was his adversary. Fafnir spent years searching for the White Lotus Monastery--the headquarters of Sirocco's martial order. He laid waste to it, and killed everyone there. He tore off Luisa's arm, and told her to go into the world to tell everyone what a coward her master was." Ida's eyes flicker closed. "And then Sirocco returned, and they fought. They fought ferociously. In the end, Fafnir killed him, but lost his arm in the doing. Luisa held her master for his dying breaths..."
"And then she took Fafnir's arm, pressed it to her shoulder, and hoped. And it worked."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia shrugs, smiling sheepishly. "I couldn't tell you why I started doing that. Just felt like the thing I should do. I know I do a lot of things that don't make sense to people, sometimes they don't even make sense to me. But that's fine. I can't ignore the way I feel, or I'll end up regretting it." Although she looks a little wistful when she looks off to the side, that must be about something else, since she claims with conviction, "I don't regret anything where it comes to Id."
It's easy to tell that her level of interest spikes when told about things that even Id wasn't aware of. But it's difficult to tell how she feels about what she's told. She isn't sure herself. With herself put into Luisa's shoes, she can't help but feel that this does sound like her. She said it herself just now. She would readily do things that wouldn't make sense to anyone else, if she felt that she should. As such, she feels that she needs to say something.
"...I'm sure that she felt that way, like she did something terrible, something selfish, and it cost her friends their lives. But that was afterwards. At the time, she probably didn't feel that she was abandoning her friends. She felt that she was doing something important, something that absolutely needed to be done, and only she could do. It's not that she didn't consider her friends, she simply had complete faith in her friends, and was absolutely sure they could handle what they needed to do fine without her. ...Well, that's what I think, anyway. So... don't judge her too harshly, okay?"
She might have taken that a little personally. But as profoundly affected by the story as she sounded just then, her mood seems to flip around 180 degrees when she learns there was more to the story. She slams her right fist down into an open palm, suddenly appearing utterly elated.
"Ha! I knew it! He thinks he knows everything, but he's wrong! He goes on as if everything always ends badly, but I know - people are much stronger than he gives them credit for. And this is proof! Oh, I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him about this!" A moment later, her expression turns sour. "...He'll probably just come up with some stupid reason why it's somehow a bad thing anyway, as usual. Ugh, he's so frustrating."
With that moment passed, Xantia resumes to listening to the story of Fafnir. And in the end, she smiles widely.
"Wow! So she beat him with his own arm! That's... that's bad ass! Isn't it? That's what you say, right? Did I get it right?"
You'll have to excuse Xantia, she's still learning to wrap her head around figurative speech, and may have just figured out how to think of 'bad ass' as something other than a posterior that's unfortunate in some way. That would be a major triumph indeed.
Only once that moment of excitement subsides does she realize there must be more to this story. "Hey, wait... if that's what she did, why do you have that arm now?"
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
Ida's face settles into that sympathetic smile again. It takes everything she has to keep the grief out of her eyes, to tip her hand--and in doing so, risk triggering the very thing she seeks to prevent. She hates it. It feels like every time she's had to choke down her emotions for the sake of social niceties. It feels like every lie she's ever told to spare someone's feelings. She tries to tell herself this is different. This is necessary.
That doesn't mean she can't hate it.
But then Xantia gives insight into Luisa's actions, and Ida listens, drawn out of herself. The knowing glimmer flickers in her eyes. "Oh, I'm in no position to," Ida says. "And when I spoke with her, she was at peace." Ida trails off, realizing that's the sort of statement that needs context. "She left a shade of herself behind, somehow, using Ley technologies. I've spoken with her several times."
Xantia's exuberance is contagious. Ida can't help but grin, and then shrug as Xantia comes to the same conclusion she does. "Depression does that," Ida says. "It sucks the life and color out of everything until all that's left is grey and gloomy and awful. So... don't judge him too harshly, either... on this matter."
And then, the matter of the arm. "Badass," Ida says--pleasantly, cheerfully, and under the same roof as her parents. Horrors. She lets that sit for a moment before answering Xantia's question. "Because Luisa entrusted it to me. I didn't know what it was, at the time--I'd just known she'd had an ARM, a gauntlet of some sort, or perhaps a prosthetic. Something I could use, or reverse-engineer, to use in the fight against Mother."
Ida straightens up in her seat, tension seeping into her form. Lola whines softly, and snuggles against her as she starts to recount more traumatic memories. "Luisa let me open her sarcophagus. Inside... her remains, a box of heirlooms, and the arm itself. It looked... like I'd expected it to look. I collected everything else, and then reached out to touch the arm. That was when it came to life, ripped itself into--into fleshy tendrils, and grabbed my hand. Everything after that was pain."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
If Xantia's noticed that Ida is conflicted about something, she doesn't show it. Considering she very much wears her heart on her sleeve, it seems unlikely. On the other hand, she can be surprisingly observant, making assumptions in that regard tricky. Still, as long as she doesn't point out anything like that...
She's distracted right now anyway, freely letting the surprise show when she hears it's still possible to talk to Luisa after death. "...Wow. I guess I didn't need to try and figure it out, huh, you can just ask her. Pretty amazing, I'd like to talk to her myself sometime. Id makes it sound like we'd get along."
Surprise took no time at all to turn into acceptance. That generally happens quick for Xantia, having little sense of what's supposed to be considered 'normal'. If she hears about something new, and people don't make a particularly big deal about it, then it's probably normal, right?
Even so, knowing it's normal doesn't mean she always understands it very well. With the way she says, "Depression? Is that what that's like?" it's clear that she doesn't have the first clue about that particular subject. Considering the frequency with which Xantia has been the most cheerful person in the room, that's probably no big surprise. She can only nod with a vaguely concerned expression, silently agreeing to keep this in mind. Who knows if it will be kept in mind as well as she's going to remember the new expression she mastered, though.
Xantia does appear to notice that the part of the tale relating to herself is more difficult for Ida to speak of, as the first thing she says after the fact is, "Oh... I'm sorry if that's something you'd rather not talk about. I hope you're, you know... okay with it now? It doesn't really look like it bothers you when you fight. You look kind of bad ass yourself!"
...She still says it bit awkwardly, but that's not going to stop her from overusing that for a while.
What she seems to feel more awkward about is the next thing she points out, while rubbing the back of her head. "Gosh, I've just been asking questions the whole time, haven't I?" You can just see her mentally chiding herself for asking yet another question. "Sorry, I do that a lot. That's not very fair... I'm learning a lot about you, but you haven't learned anything about me yet."
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
Ida's smile turns a little lopsided. "It's remarkable that I'm able to do so, yes, but I can't... send a Memory Cube message on a whim, so to speak. The phantom seems to be tied to several old ruins--all had special meaning to her, and all were constructed around the same time. The last time I saw her was months ago, in the Molten Scar, before the Primarch of Fire was released." That's not a pleasant memory, either, but thinking of Luisa frames it in a better light. "There have to be more. I'm sure she'd like to meet you."
There was a time, many months ago, when Ida was loath to talk about her mental health in certain ways. Like many other Filgaians, she thought of mental illness as something strange and alien, something to be hidden away and treated in institutions. It wasn't until after she was purified that she spoke with her alienist--her psychiatrist--a doctor from the Seed Cities whom she still speaks with as often as her life will allow. A woman who worked with Jacqueline to prescribe her medication.
"It's different for everyone," Ida says, "but feelings of despair, anger, and helplessness are extremely common, as is a sort of listlessness that many mistake for simple laziness." Then, the matter of the arm. "I'm still coming to terms with what happened, and how it's changing me. Some days, it feels like a priceless gift, and on others, it feels more like a curse. But a friend told me that it's ultimately what I make of it, and I try to keep that in mind during the bad days."
Xantia admits that the questioning, so far, has been one-sided. Ida puts her hand to her chin. Lola stretches, and then curls back into a black-and-white ball on her human's lap. "...Besides Fei," Ida says, "who helped guide you when you first set out as a Drifter? When you didn't know anything about yourself?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Hmmm... that sounds complicated. Sounds like I'd have to be lucky to see her." So concludes Xantia, either glossing over a Primarch being released as something that can be counted as lucky if it leads to such an encounter, or just not understanding what that means. Except she usually asks questions about things she doesn't understand, so who knows, she doesn't elaborate. She only adds, "Well, I'm sure I'll get the chance one day!" Because if there's anything she has in spades, it's boundless optimism.
Unsurprisingly, Xantia doesn't know the first thing about how mental health works. And yet she concludes, voice full of sympathy, "Oh wow, that sounds like an awful illness. I hope there's something you can do about it." Nothing strange or alien about it to her. Perhaps the frame of reference of someone who doesn't remember the sense of Normal as defined by society has its advantages. Not that Xantia would be able to recognize them as such.
What she does understand is the two-sided coin nature of Power, in general. That, she can nods sagely to. "I know that feeling. But, I think that as long as you can control it, and it doesn't harm you, having power is probably better than not having it. If not exactly easier." She finds her smile again. "That's good advice your friend gave you. I agree completely. Even if you feel that something that happened is bad, if you can do good with it, then you can make it into a good thing."
Xantia completely fails to realize that the way she reacts to things alone says a lot about herself. Even her conclusion gives away that she tends to only consider the direct and concrete, without thinking about subtext and other subtleties. As such, she's all too happy to make it more 'fair' by answering a direct question. She can talk at length as well as she can ask waterfalls of questions.
"Oh, well... Fei was really the one who helped me get to know a lot of others. We talked a lot when the Lacour tournament was going on, and after that I decided to follow him. So I asked Bart if I could stay on the Yggdrasil, and I met Lily, and Leon, and things just kinda went from there. But if you're asking about before that... Rosaline helped me a lot. I didn't really understand why she was so worried about me at the time, but she taught me that there's a lot of things that most people don't consider 'okay', that was good to know. And she helped get my ARM repaired, too."
There's a short pause as Xantia thinks back to those bygone days. And is forced to conclude, "Other than that... I guess you could say I kinda sorta just muddled my way through. I did meet a lot of people along the way, but they didn't really 'guide' me. I never actually asked for that. At the time, I didn't feel like I needed it, I was just fine with... whatever I ran into." She chuckles, and shakes her head. "I guess I've changed a lot since then. Things were simpler then, but... things are better now."
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
Ida realizes that her tea has gone neglected, and takes a drink. It's now approaching 'lukewarm', but there's no point in sending down for another whole pot, especially while there's perfectly good water on the service as well. "I'm as anxious to see her again as you are," Ida says, as she sets the cup down. "As for my illness, it's responded very well to treatment. I've been seeing a doctor who specializes in that field--" Because 'psychiatrist' is oddly rare as a term, and 'alienist' is a term Xantia would definitely misinterpret-- "--and she's helped a great deal."
Ida listens attentively as Xantia explains her early career. "Rosaline is a good friend of mine," she says, her eyes flickering closed as a pang of sorrow flutters against her ribs. "The last I heard, she's been well. But I... funnily enough, I more or less did the same, with less overt guidance and more hidden turmoil. I wanted to be a hero, but I didn't understand what a hero was. What it meant."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia continues to ignore tea. The snacks are already gone, and with it the only thing she was really interested in in that regard. Everyone knows Xantia is all about the foods.
She does nod in regard to the notion of treatment, being able to follow it fine when it's put in simple terms. "I see, it's good that specialists exist for it. I don't know a whole lot about that sort of thing." She pauses, quickly realizing that she should add the usual disclaimer. "As far as I can remember. Not like I can ever be totally sure, right?" She smiles wryly. It took time before she could be at all light-hearted about that. But it obviously still bothers her, of course it would. That's the worst part about amnesia, the ever-present uncertainty.
When Ida weighs in on friendship with Rosaline, Xantia replies only with a simple, "Yeah... I know." There's an obvious association there, but she doesn't really want to bring up the Furies. It's easy enough to draw parallels with things she herself would prefer not to talk about.
Instead, she latches onto the following subject, which comes naturally enough since it's a shared interest. "Really. You wanted to be a hero, too? It was the same for me! I tried to do what I thought a hero would do, even did some actual Hero Training and everything! But... then I realized there's a lot more to being a hero than good guys fighting bad guys. And that a hero to some people could be a villain to others. I didn't feel good about it anymore, so... I just kinda decided to keep doing what feels right to me, without trying to be any particular thing, and not worry about what that makes me, exactly. I feel like people make simple things complicated for no reason, I like it better when things are simple. Don't you?"
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
"It was more... well." Ida glances sidelong to the wall, where a row of portraits hang--oil paintings of couples, all nicely-dressed and socially-acceptable. The very last one, chronologically, depicts Ida's parents. The woman in the painting--Flora, Ida's mother--breaks the mold. Long, wicked scars run down the side of her lower face, including one that puckers her lip and almost twists it into a sneer. "My mother was a Drifter before she married. I grew up on her stories, and part of me yearned to go out and explore for myself."
"But the rest..." Ida looks back at Xantia, a sober expression on her face. "I'm extremely lucky. I was born into a wealthy family, and grew up with every advantage money could buy. Many, many people struggle to keep food on the table and a roof over their head--and the government here is more interested in protecting the status quo than helping them. I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want anything to do with the ARMs trade. So the first chance I got, I left... and found out the same thing you did."
'...I like it better when things are simple. Don't you?'
Ida pauses a moment, running a hand across Lola's silky fur. Lola reaches out a forepaw to stretch. "Sometimes," Ida says. "But I've learned that the world has great beauty in it, and great ugliness--sometimes, both at once. Contradiction and complexity are facts of life. It's how we approach them that defines who we are."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia follows Ida's gaze to the paintings, her expression a bit on the blank side. She can put together who these people must be, especially with the context Ida provides, but as much as she'd like to share a similar story here as well... well, she can't, for obvious reasons. So she just shrugs a bit. "I don't remember what it's like to grow up, or what you're supposed to feel about your parents. That's the sort of thing that makes me feel like I'm missing important pieces of myself."
She looks down a moment. Thinking in that direction does bring something else to mind. "It was a Baskar shaman named Jolen Crann who found me in the middle of the desert. He took me back to his village, and he and his wife cared for me for some time. They were on the older side, and I got used to calling them grandpa and grandma. Those are my oldest memories." She doesn't sound particularly pleased relating that story. There's a reason for that. "...Then I found out it was Jolen who sealed away my older memories in the first place, so I can't exactly see them the same way I used to."
Even so, on the subject of luck, she claims, "I feel like I've been pretty lucky myself. Since I'm stronger than most people, it wasn't difficult for me to get food and money, doing things other people couldn't for payment. And I happened to run into a lot of good people, who accepted me as I was. I could have turned out very differently if I'd run into people who didn't treat me well, or just wanted to use me back when I believed everything people told me." She still rarely questions the things tell people her, but that's beside the point.
She clearly doesn't understand what Ida is saying by the end of this, though. She just stares, and then furrows her brow. "See, that's what I mean, that's complicated. I don't really know what that means, or how it matters. I just look at people, things and situations until I know how I feel about them, and then I do whatever it feels like I should be doing. Sometimes I'm wrong, and I make mistakes, but I can make up for that later, if I need to." She scratches the side of her head, realizing, "...I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to do right now. Is it working?"
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
In many ways, Ida's childhood was fortunate. She never wanted for material comforts, much less the basic necessities. Her parents had their own histories and traumas to grapple with, but they were loving and kind and supportive. But other people had preconceptions of her. Expectations. Some of her peers bullied her. Some adults tried to stifle what they saw as a tendency towards improper conduct.
But what would her life have been like if she'd never grown up at all? How would she think if she didn't have that formative experience?
Ida thinks on this as Xantia explains her past, and nods--she remembers parts of that. She doesn't say that Jolen must've had reasons, despite knowing the truth, and there's another pang of guilt that doesn't show on her face. Ida is the very picture of the perceptive, empathetic friend as Xantia lays down her own guiding philosophies. And when she asks that question, Ida shakes her head, slow and steady. "I can't answer that question for you," she says. "You must decide what works and what doesn't. I--don't mean to insult you, but you need to look at your own actions, and make that decision yourself."
It's a difficult thing to propose to someone who has been treated like a biological automaton. Ida's heart aches at the thought of it. But she has to.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Honestly, Xantia is completely aware that Jolen must have had what he believed to be good reasons. He's told her as much, that he did it to help her. The implications of what she was like before that aren't good. It just doesn't mean that she can forgive him for taking the choice away from her, and not telling her about it. Leaving her to find whatever pieces of her previous identity are out there and try to put it back together herself. She can't think of that man as a savior, or even look him in the eye at this point.
As such, she wouldn't have responded well if the argument was made. Remaining silent on it is probably the correct call to make.
She's dismayed enough by being told Ida can't answer that question. "Aw, come on. I don't know if I'm doing this right, you've at least gotta tell me if you forgive me for avoiding you for so long! I just..." She trails off, needing a moment before starting again. "Well... you understand, right? I was afraid. Not of you. I could kinda sorta tell what was going on with you, but that was never what I was afraid of. I'm afraid of myself. Of what I might do, if I... lose control. If you were told about that time in the Photosphere... you know why I feel that I may be dangerous to you in particular."
She leaves that hanging for a moment, before lowering her gaze. "But... now I feel that was wrong of me. I was doing one of the things I dislike most... I took the choice away from you. You wanted to get to know me, but all I did was try to not give you an opportunity. That was the mistake I made this time, and I'm sorry."
She raises her head, tilting it slightly. "...You're not gonna say that I need to be the one to decide that worked, right? I'd be taking the choice away from you all over again."
She may have misunderstood what Ida was trying to say, but her sentiments are no less genuine for it.
<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.
Xantia brings up a good point--Ida can at least talk to her about their relationship, or lack thereof. "That's fair enough," Ida says. She deserves the transparency. "I was wondering if you were asking me to validate you--that is, to tell you that you were doing the right thing. I've done that. It's part and parcel of depression, sometimes."
Ida's expression turns grave. Xantia can't meet her eyes at first. She can't imagine what must be going through the other woman's mind. Once she's finished saying her piece, Ida meets her gaze--or at least tries to. "I understand," she says. "I... was a little afraid of you, too. I remember catching your eye during a fight, and seeing this look in your eyes. It frightened me. It was only after that I learned what happened in the Photosphere."
Ida manages a little smile. "I know how it feels to be afraid of yourself," she says. "And I know that you weren't avoiding me to hurt me--quite the opposite, in fact." The smile widens. "I accept your apology, and I forgive you. If you'd like to be friends, now, I think I'd like that, too."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia seems surprised by the conclusion Ida reached, and quickly moves to correct this, waving her hands in protest. "Oh no no, it's the opposite! I want people to tell me if they think I'm doing the wrong thing, and for what reason. Because... well, because it could be that I just don't remember certain things everyone else was taught at a young age. I can't make good decisions if I'm getting something wrong without knowing it, right? So I need a little help with that sometimes. That's all I'm asking, if I'm, y'know... doing it right."
Once again, that uncertainty. It's always there, in everything she does. She can make her own judgement calls. She can just never know for sure whether what she's saying makes sense to everyone else. Xantia can only hope that people who don't understand what that's like never will.
She also has little idea of how she can come across to others. It's an unpleasant surprise to hear that she gave Ida a scary look at some point, and she looks considerably guilty about it. "...Ah." It may be hard to believe that someone who looks so crushingly apologetic about a look she gave someone once would think of causing someone harm. But that's the pitfall, isn't it? It's already been proven that it's dangerous to assume Xantia will never do the sort of things that she's strongly averse to.
In the end, she can't really make any excuses for it. She can only express that caution is the correct course of action. "If that ever happens again... you're right to be careful, and be ready, just in case. Though I hope I won't frighten you again... I won't blame you for feeling that way. Or acting in whatever way you feel is necessary, as a result of that."
She can smile again also, though, when Ida does so. With the risks made clear, there's no reason not to - it's not the first risk she's ever taken and it won't be the last. "Thank you. I prefer being friends with anybody who isn't trying to hurt me, so... it really bothered me to go against that all this time. So yes, I very much would like to be friends!"