2022-05-26: One Less Uncertainty
- Log: One Less Uncertainty
- Cast: Xantia, Lan Lilac
- Where: Cardon Forest
- Date: May 26, 2022
- Summary: A chance encounter between Xantia and Lan afford the two some time to discuss the results of the former following up on the latter's advice, and a promise is made to prepare for a possible future.
=============================<* Cardon Forest *>============================== The thick and lush Cardon Forest exists to the south of Kattelox City's walls. Unlike many other forests that dot Filgaia's landscape, the Cardon Forest is peaceful and quiet, relatively free of any monsters or Fiends that often plague the world. Sometimes, you can see children playing here in the meadows, or a couple out for a picnic. But beware of the Digger's Guild warning -- for a structure exists far down south of the Forest, a mysterious Ruin whose entranceway remains sealed to this day. BGM: Mega Man Legends - The Flutter
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Sometimes when life gets you down, you just gotta get all that negative energy out of your system. And what better way to relax than to go off into one of Filgaia's greener areas for some peaceful meditation?
Hopefully that wasn't a question you expected Xantia to answer, because that's totally not her thing. She can't possibly relax by just sitting there doing nothing. She has to actively blow off some of that steam, which is why she's been helping out the Digger's Guild to clear a few Reaverbots out of one of the many ruins in the area. Evil robots are great for just going all out on without any reservations, very therapeutic.
Her reason for being here was originally more of the 'just passing through' kind, the return route back to the city and not much else. But then she got distracted. By the weather, of all things. It's sunny, but the nice kind, not the kind of scorcher that's getting to be increasingly more common. So she stopped, closing her eyes as she directed her head skywards. Even Xantia isn't immune to just stopping to enjoy that sort of thing at times.
In her own way. She can't help but turn even this into training of a sort, the sunlight prompting her to employ her own powers of Light. This is what makes it easy to stumble upon her even in this fairly remote location - a brightly shining light in the middle of an open clearing is kind of unusual, after all. Especially when all that light has a person at the center of it. Xantia isn't exactly making it easy to look directly at her given the level of intensity, but with a little effort, it's probably still possible to tell who this is.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
It is pretty therapeutic to fight robots. At least, the kind of robot that doesn't have a real sense of 'self' or feelings or anything like that. Fighting Azoth, for example, is the opposite of therapeutic.
Lan wasn't fighting Reaverbots, though. Lan was foraging for herbs and other useful things to either use or sell. She's made way more money doing that than by finding treasure! (It's possible that she's just bad at finding treasure.)
So it's with a wicker basket balanced against her hip that Lan wanders through the greenery of Kattlelox Island. It's lucky that the weather is so nice today. It's not too hot, not too windy, and not too bri--
Actually, it is kind of ridiculously bright. It wasn't just a minute ago!! Lan steps out into the clearing, squinting against the localized supernova-with-a-person inside. "...Hello?? Is that you, Xantia?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Ah, but there's the rub - the robots do have to be evil to make fighting them enjoyable! Which Azoth clearly isn't, it's not his fault that he has to try to kill everybody every now and then. Of course, Xantia thinks the same thing about Id, so she might not generally be considered the best judge of that sort of thing. Either way, it's a Digger's Guild job too, so it also doubles as a way of making money. One can guess where Xantia stands on which is the better way of making money, she'd only want to be on the lookout for plants of the kind she could eat.
But she's thinking of neither greenery nor food at present. She's managing to finally not think about very much at all. Quite contrary to her general stance on just staying still to relax, she's managing it quite effectively at the moment. Sunlight seems to be one of the few things that can manage to provoke this sense of serenity within her.
Which is funny because on the outside things don't look very serene at all! It doesn't exactly feel that way either - a lot of energy is swirling around Xantia at present, as if she were preparing some sort of big magical attack. This isn't at all the case however, which is proven in short order as the light abruptly winks out when her name is spoken. "...Huh?"
She turns to face Lan, needing a blink or two before she manages to shift mental gears enough for a proper greeting. "Oh, hello Lan! How long have you been there?" She frowns slightly. "...How long have I been there? Guess I got a little distracted."
Not one to waste time worrying about a good segue (because she doesn't know what that means), she shrugs and moves on to what immediately comes to mind when she sees Lan, a topic of their previous conversation. "I went and talked to Loren, by the way. That, uh, could've gone better."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
"I don't know how long you've been here, but I only just got here. I saw the, uh, glowing and thought I'd better check it out, but it was a nice surprise to find you instead of anything bad!" Lan puts the basket down after dithering for a moment or two.
But Xantia went and talked to Loren after all. "I can't really say I'm surprised. He's prickly even when you don't try to talk to him about touchy subjects. Was there a fight or anything?" She frowns. Xantia almost certainly would've gotten the better end of the deal if it had come to blows, but Loren can be mean when he's feeling threatened. It's not one of his better qualities.
"Did you find out what you wanted to know? I keep hoping he'll start acting civilized, even if he's still a jerk about it."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia's never been very good at keeping track of time - if Lan can't answer that question, she absolutely has no idea. She can only just sorta sheepishly scratch her head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry anybody. I was just, well, working on handling Light, if that makes sense? Just... something I like to do." Explaining it much better than that could take a while. Ether is unusual to begin with, how she uses it is more unusual than most, and the way she does Light particularly so.
Giving up on that, she instead focuses on the Loren situation. Which, if she were honest, is at least part of the reason for her needing to blow off steam to begin with. She lets out a chuckle bereft of amusement at the question 'was there a fight'.
"Maybe it would've been better if there was. But no, I caught him in a populated area, close to where Solaris did a lot of damage before. He was real worried about people realizing who he was, I could tell." That didn't take any sort of special powers, other than the power of observation. Xantia's perception levels could be called irregular, but she'll watch any Solarian like a hawk.
Of course, that is very much a situation where Loren would be feeling threatened, even if Xantia hadn't let on that she was aware of her advantage. Given that, Lan can probably already guess that there'd end up some meanness involved. Even before Xantia visibly struggles with how she's going to answer the question of whether or not she learned what she wanted to know. It's probably easier to just start with what she's sure about.
"I know about what happened now, at least. Another Primarch trying to... communicate, I guess? They're not good at that, are they? Wiping people's memories, setting them on fire... making it pretty difficult to get along that way." She must have talked to Gwen too, following the Fire Thief incident.
She pauses, then sighs. "Whenever I think back to it, I don't know what I was expecting. I just sorta felt like we'd understand each other, in that way I understand everyone else who lost their memory. It seemed that way, for a little bit. But then he figured out what I was worried about, and..."
Xantia grimaces as she trails off. Whatever it is, it isn't a pleasant thing to think about. This must be where Loren got mean about it.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
Handling Light. "Oh, I see. Well I mean you seemed to be doing a great job?" It was all in one place mostly and not sputtering or wavering or anything. That's a success in Lan's sorcery book.
But when Xantia lets out that humorless chuckle, Lan knows she's in for a recounting of a bad time. She sits down crosslegged next to her basket, resting her hands on her knees. "That's the best way I can think of to get a single agent to head for the hills - well, most of them, anyway. Calling attention to them in public." Of course, that's assuming you're in a populated place that's actually heard of Solaris, although they're no nearly as big of a secret as they had been when Lan and Loren met for the first time. "But if there are lots of them, they might get violent." And then normal people might end up hurt.
"Basically," Lan nods. "Muse found a way inside of him." And Muse's nature is to erase, and Loren had wanted - probably still wants - to be erased. "I don't know if the Primarch meant to erase Loren's memory or not. But it happened either way - like Gwen and Setanta, sort of," she nods in acknowledgement when Xantia mentions that particular incident.
It's a melancholy feeling. Maybe a little bit bitter. "...I know. I keep hoping he'll stop being afraid to reach out to people." Loren, afraid?? But Lan believes it with all her heart, and the years she's known him. "He was hurt very badly," she explains after a moment's hesitation. "People were cruel to him and his family because-- because of something he couldn't help. And it made him angry and bitter. Like someone kicking a dog too many times, until it turns mean."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Well, sure. Xantia doesn't exactly need the practice with how natural 'her' Light feels to her. The awkward, halting way she replies, "Oh, uh, yeah, thanks," that kind of hints that there's a story there. Not one she necessarily wants to get into, perhaps. She's certainly acting like someone who got caught doing something embarrassing.
When Lan sits, Xantia looks momentarily confused, before following the example. To the degree that it'd be hard not to feel like she's imitating Lan on purpose, sitting down the exact same way, in the exact same pose, hands on her knees and everything. Even now, she feels a bit hapless regarding the 'proper' way of acting, so doing what others are doing seems like the safest bet.
"I wasn't going to," Xantia quickly interjects, briefly waving a hand. "I thought I'd make it clear that I could get him in trouble, so he'd know that if that's what I wanted I'd have done it already. But I'm not sure that helped at all." Well of course Xantia, that would sound like blackmail to anybody else, especially if you then go on to overtly mention that you know what blackmail is. Xantia Logic is often different from most people's logic.
That sort of thing is less obvious to her than how problematic Primarchs are. It shows in her expression that it makes her a little uncomfortable. But then, losing her memories all over again is pretty much her greatest fear. She'd rather stay far away from anything that could make that happen, by accident or design. "...Part of me wishes I could have reassured him more. But, it was kind of a difficult conversation."
And that's definitely not all Loren's fault. Even now, hearing about Loren having been a victim in the past, it just... fails to elicit the sort of sympathy Xantia would normally have. The anti-Solarian sentiment from her memories is just so powerful, and what she's seen of Loren's actions doesn't help that in the slightest. It makes her feel even more uncomfortable, shifting out of her cross-legged position while she considers how to continue this. Wait, Lan just said that he was afraid. She nods, it's not the first time she's considered that possibility.
"What he said to me was... that once he got his memories back, the person he used to be ceased to exist. At the time, I felt that he said that just to hurt me. Or, I guess I hoped that it was." She sees no need to clarify the reason, obviously she'd be afraid of that happening to her, too. "But, then I talked to Lily, and to Fei, and after what they said, I started thinking... maybe that wasn't meant as a lie to me, but to himself. That it's something he wishes were true, but some of that person he was when he had no memories is actually still there. What do you think?"
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
That's the thing - just because someone has suffered, it doesn't excuse their hurtful actions. Lan doesn't seem surprised or put off that Xantia isn't feeling particularly sympathetic to Loren's circumstances. She hadn't expected her to.
"I mean," Lan cocks her head to one side and offers, after a semi-awkward moment, "That does kinda sound like a threat." Even if it was the truth! Or maybe because of it.
Her eyes crease at the corners at the news that he'd said something like that to Xantia. "...I've never seen any sign of 'that' Loren again. We haven't traveled together since then, though." She looks down at her hands, gathered in her lap. "...Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he hadn't got his memories back. He was happy then, or at least content. I missed the Loren I knew, but..." Lan is used to missing people. "I thought that if he was happy that way, maybe it would be all right. But of course I'm sure he hates the idea of how close he came to no longer existing as the person he's used to being."
"You worry about the same thing, so you know the feeling," she continues. "The 'you' that exists right now and the 'you' that might exist once you get your memories back... There's really no way of telling which one you'll be afterwards. But I'm sure of one thing, and it's that we can be whoever we want to, if we make the effort. ...But I guess that sounds kind kind of kooky, huh?" she laughs, turning it into a joke.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia appears to be doing her best impression of a Shocked Pikachu at that particular revelation. "But... how does that sound like a threat? I don't even say anything about beating him up or anything!" Apparently Xantia's idea of what constitutes a threat is... very specific.
She doesn't dwell on it too long though, what with the matter of the greatest personal concern to her coming to the forefront. She really does wear her heart on her sleeve - as soon as Lan mentions that there's been no sign of 'that' Loren since, her face falls and she lowers her head, in immediate distress that her theory might be disproven. She was really hoping for supportive evidence to help stave off her insecurities.
But Lan isn't done talking. And in the end, it comes back down to what she discussed with Lily, causing her to nod repeatedly, with increasing vigor, doing her best to convince herself that this is the truth of it, once again. "That sounds right to me. Lily said something similar." Something in her bearing changes, and her expression becomes one that's deathly serious. Even her tone of voice changes, not just quoting Lily, but mimicking the words exactly as they were spoken.
"The 'you' of tomorrow was never going to be the same as the 'you' of yesterday. That uncertainty... That's just life, for people who have their memories and for people who don't. You probably will change, when you get your memory back. That's the point, isn't it? You won't have that uncertainty anymore, the same uncertainty you have now. The 'you' of right now won't disappear, though. She'll just... become the 'you' of tomorrow, memory or no memory. Just like the rest of us."
Xantia abruptly sinks back into her own, more casual posture, continuing to speak in her normal tone of voice. "That's what she said. I'm going to believe in it. I have to." After a pause, she adds, "Loren probably feels that he has to be who he is right now, too."
There's a longer pause after that. Xantia has lowered her head and appears to be in thought, considering something. When she looks to Lan again, it's to ask about something else that all this has made her wonder about.
"Hey, Lan... That ritual you know, the one you used with Loren. What's it like?"
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
Lan laughs a bit. "Just mentioning that you could reveal his identity, even if you didn't, is gonna remind him that he could be in a dangerous situation. So he's going to think of it as hostile, even if that's now how you meant it. Kind of like showing up to the library with your sword out, even if you had no intention of using it." Is that a good enough metaphor? ...Is it actually a metaphor at all, come to think of it?
"I don't want you to feel discouraged about it," she continues, not unkindly. "Because Lily's really smart about a lot of things, and I think this is one of them." It occurs to her, vaguely, to wonder if Xantia just remembers all of that. Is she one of those people who can just... recite things, like from memory?
Lan looks down at the grass for a long moment, trying to think of the best way to describe it. "...I mixed up a special drink and had everyone drink it, to loosen their souls just a little bit and let us travel into the Dreaming as a group. Loren had two problems - his memory loss, and the Primarch in him. We went through a lot of memories, and somethings that I think were just symbolic, until we found... well, the core of him." The moment after his life was ruined. "And once we found the root of the Primarch's hold on him we burned it out, and everything tumbled back into place." She thinks for a long moment, rubbing her hands pensively against her knees. "I could do it again, but only if you were sure you wanted it."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia will have to make a mental note of that, though with that clueless expression it's a toss-up on how well she actually understood. She at least claims, "Oh... I think I get it. Sort of. I used to give people the wrong idea a lot more often, but it still happens sometimes." She's just too honest, and may never fully understand the notion of subtlety, is the problem here.
"I'll try not to," is the best promise she can make regarding getting discouraged. "It's difficult sometimes, but yeah, I have good friends who give me good advice. As long as I have everyone's help, I feel like no matter what happens, it's going to be okay." Always a lot easier to have faith in others. As for her memory... if Xantia understood irony, she'd be better able to appreciate that aspect of an amnesiac who can remember things that well.
Xantia listens to Lan's description of the ritual with great interest. The widening of her eyes at certain points shows more than interest - recognition. She doesn't leave it a mystery where this comes from, explaining immediately after Lan finishes.
"Jolen-- ah, that's the name of the shaman who locked away my memories, Jolen Crann. When I lost my memory a second time, he actually helped me get them back. My recent ones, I mean. That's when I learned that he'd locked away my older memories to begin with. But the ritual he used for that... it was very similar. There was some kind of herbal drink involved, and he had the people who knew me best pretty much go inside my mind, somehow. I don't really understand the Dreaming, but maybe that's what it was. After all that though... I really, really don't want to go to him for help anymore." She cants her head. "What a weird coincidence... from what I understand, there's not a lot of shamans who can do that, and among the Baskar it's kind of considered a bad thing to do."
She shakes her head, and smiles reassuringly. "I don't care though, I think it's wonderful that you'd help people like that. So, while I still don't really want to risk it unless it's absolutely necessary, I'll definitely ask you if I feel that it is." She pauses, frowning as she considers another possibility, then adds in a more subdued tone, "And, I'll tell my friends that if something happens... If I turn into someone they know I wouldn't want to be, and it's become impossible for me to ask for help myself... they should contact you for help."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
Jolen Crann. Lan will try to remember that name, although Filgaia is huge - she might never meet him no matter how far she strays. Or perhaps she's run into him already and never knew it. She's definitely going to ask for an explanation if she does.
"The drink makes the boundaries between flesh and soul looser," she tries to explain the way her mother had explained it to her, but it was so many years ago now. "It's not quite the same as getting drunk, but it can make you think funny, and see new things. It's not a bad thing - at least, making and using the drink isn't, but messing with someone's memory without a really good reason is bad and nobody should do it!"
The Dreaming is harder to explain - so she doesn't. Lan knows what it is but not how to describe the misty grey nothing in between dreamers, or just how easy it is to completely forget oneself in there without a strong anchor of some sort. She rubs a hand through her hair a bit awkwardly. "Well, I mean. he's my friend. And you're the kind of person I like, too. You should always want to help people if you can, anyway. But..." Lan sobers, letting her hand come to rest in her lap again. "If it comes down to that, and I hope it doesn't, I'll remember. So that's one less thing to be uncertain about!"