2022-11-18: Casting the Die
- Log: Casting the Die
- Cast: Xantia, Fei Fong Wong, Elhaym van Houten
- Where: The Karlsefni
- Date: November 18, 2022
- Summary: Though warned that doing so would have Consequences, Fei has made up his mind to return to Xantia a belonging from the past, bringing Elly for support in this difficult decision. The result...?
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It is a rare and special time. A time of peace and quiet. Too much peace, too much quiet, at least for the current circumstances.
Xantia doesn't tend to be aboard the Karlsefni for particularly long stretches of time unless it's for goal-oriented transportation. But when she is, one should expect the occasional Xantia Interrupt to happen, where she suddenly appears to deliver swift positivity with well-targeted optimism before bounding off as quickly as she arrived. It's not like her to keep sitting in one place by herself all quiet-like. Whenever she does, something tends to be up with her.
Of course, with how obvious she makes it to tell how she feels just by looking at her, it's rather obvious to tell that Xantia's been in a bit of a slump as of late. There were enough signs to suspect that this started at the Spire of Yggdradil, where she'd rushed on ahead in anger to go give the Prophets a piece of her mind. Then something made it worse. An altercation with Solaris, which she has mentioned, if tersely on the details.
And now this. Xantia's just been sitting in her quarters on the Karlsefni for hours on end, pretty much only coming out when she needs something (usually food, of course). Moreover, she's stopped going around dressed for battle like she usually does, only wearing a simple red T-shirt and denim shorts, not even bothering to put anything on her feet. She replies when spoken to, but she hasn't really talked. She's been saying 'I'm fine' an awful lot, always a good indicator that the opposite is true, mentally speaking.
Today is no different than it's been for the past few days. Xantia's just sitting in her room, having retreated back there after her latest meal. She never locks the door, at least that part of her behavior hasn't changed. Surely the part where she would never turn away visitors hasn't either... has it?
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei Fong Wong has to give something to Xantia and is a bit nervous about doing so for numerous reasons. But part of why he asked Elly to come with him is because he doesn't, unlike his alterego, really want it to be just 'his choice'. Xantia has friends and they all have a hand in her story. He sees too much of himself in the Demon of Elru--and sometimes he feels he has to strive that much harder to avoid becoming someone like him--
--but he can't ignore the fact that Id carries a lot of weight that he just would rather not carry. Maybe, he thinks, he should try to take some of that off his hands...? And so, the Bracer.
He told Elly of how he got it--Xenia elected to leave the matter of whether or not he gave Xantia the bracer to him and Fei thinks ... they should trust their friend, even if it's harder in the short term.
Xantia seems to not be feeling great today either. Or the past few days. And she's been...avoiding, almost, people? But...
He'll knock lightly on the door. He isn't just going to barge right on in. "Hey Xantia? I'm...uh. I can tell you feel pretty down but... I wanted to talk to you if you're up for it? If you're not, we can talk later..."
<Pose Tracker> Elhaym van Houten has posed.
Elly has a history with Xantia, doesn't she?
It's been a long way from the time when they saw each other and had a 'Same Hat' moment regarding some similarities in appearance. Fei and Xantia had been close for a long while, but Elly has not felt jealousy; it took her months and months to even notice that lack of feeling.
Maybe it's just how she was, she thought then, while flipping to the puzzles section of the ladies' magazine.
Elly came with Fei. She is not dressed that heavily, since they're aboard the Karlsefni and the heater works. The blue dress. She smiles up at Fei at what he says, nodding slightly - and she adds, "If you'd like me to bring you anything, just let me know! We caught some herring today..."
Or, more honestly, 'hi Xantia - I am also here.' Maybe that'll crowd her. Hard to say.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
If this was Xantia on any other day, one would have expected her to immediately and cheerfully agree to see her friends, always happy to hang out whether there's particular reason or not. Today, however, there's a short pause before she calmly responds.
"...I said I was fine. I just ate."
You can just tell from her tone of voice that these are the grumblings of someone who not only realizes her brilliant attempts at deception have failed, but was fully expecting this sooner or later. Talking at times like this is never easy, but it's necessary, and she knows it.
That little hint of surprise stems from it being two people coming to talk to her. It's not a big deal, of course. She feels connected to both Fei and Elly, significant and important to her in different ways. Either of them could have handled a regular talk on their own. So it feels like this may not be a regular talk.
"But, well, if you want to talk, sure. Come on in, door's unlocked."
The door is, indeed, unlocked. Xantia's quarters is mostly normal, as in mostly just sporting what it came with. Xantia isn't much for decorations. So the one singular piece of decoration stands out a bit, simple though it is: a blue stone is on the desk, propped up against the far side to put it in easy view. It doesn't seem particularly notable other than its placement, it's just a normal stone with a pretty color.
As for Xantia, she's seated on the bed, legs over the side, placing a notebook down beside her as the pair enters. "...I only have the one chair," she says apologetically, with a nod towards the simple seat in front of the desk.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei Fong Wong says, "Ah, well, you know." because he is too awkward to just directly call Xantia out on her 'deception'. He steps inside once he's given the go ahead though and he glances to the chair and adds, "It's alright, I'll stand." He nods to Elly to indicate she can take the chair if she'd like.
"Um..." He adds. "Well..." He frowns. "Where to begin..."
Yep still awkward Fei. He smiles and he says, "Well... Xenia gave me something to give to you that... I'm hoping will help you out." He bobs his head. "But if you want to talk about this first, we're here for you. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine too."
He smiles. "But um, I know...when fighting powerful people, it often feels like even when you win you lose, you know? But um... We're still in this together, so..."
He rubs at his neck and looks to Elly.
<Pose Tracker> Elhaym van Houten has posed.
"That's alright," Elly says when Xantia reports that her nutrition status is adequate. It is alright, isn't it? It doesn't mean that they're leaving, though. And Fei opens the door and comes inside. Elly leans in a bit, and steps to Fei's right, hands folding in front of her.
She glances back at Fei. She seems to be fine, and she tilts her head; perhaps Fei would prefer to sit in the chair?
That's alright, too.
Looking back to Xantia, Elly says, "You know, when I was in -child's garden- we had these sheets of what I suppose was carpeting that we were supposed to sit on... It was kind of silly, since everyone had to go and get their square and we all had to sit, even if the floor wasn't that cold, and they certainly kept it clean."
why are you bringing up Solaris, Elly.
"Fei was given responsibility for something that may have been, in a sense, meant for you," Elly tells Xantia. "We wanted to speak to you about it. Oh, gosh, this sounds horribly dire... Well, it's something from 'that woman.' I don't think either of us understand. But..."
Elly takes a deep breath.
"It's something that's meant 'for you'. Even if you decide that you don't want it, or tell us to go ask Hammer to throw it into the minicaster forge or something like that... It should be your decision to make, not ours."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia just knew that they'd each want the other to have the chair and so neither would actually take it. She'll have to get another chair in here just to avoid this issue in the future. Especially since...
"That is silly," she replies sternly to Elly's story. "Probably a way to control you somehow, Solaris sure is fond of that stuff." Of course Xantia isn't going to react kindly to Solarian-related matters. Especially now. She hops off the bed, decisively.
"Well, I won't make you sit on some dumb square. Here, sit on the bed, both of you. I'll take the chair." And so she does, turning it to face the bed before sitting down. Problem solved.
As for the topic at hand, however... well, same old Fei alright. Completely botching the diplomacy by mentioning Xenia's name right away. Even if Xantia's less prone to immediate anger ever since the last incident involving her 'sister', it's plain to see that it immediately puts her on edge to hear that name.
"...What do you mean, she gave you something to give to me? When did she do that? Why?" She's so suspicious, she doesn't even think to ask what it is. She's pretty sure that there has to be a reason why Xenia did something in such a roundabout way. There has to be a plot involved somehow. Is she using Fei to get to her now? Does she need to get angry again??
Between that and Solaris, her mood is quickly souring. Elly does her best by adding more of an explanation, which at least gets Xantia to take a deep breath before speaking again.
"Okay. I understand. Won't argue that I'd rather make that decision. Whatever it is. So what is it?"
This state of mind is certainly not helping her get into a cooperative mood regarding the other thing. "Not much else to talk about... just, feeling useless." However, as she does actually want to talk about it, she doesn't end up leaving it at that. "...I can't remember everything I did during those fights. There's just these... blanks. Like, from one moment to the next, everything was suddenly somewhere else. As if I skipped forward in time. But I know that can't be what happened."
That's all she should need to say. Losing more memories is pretty much Xantia's greatest fear. And these lapses have happened twice in a very short timespan. Stands to reason she'd be upset.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei Fong Wong nods once to Elly. And he thinks for a moment and explains further. "You...always cared about Id even when he made it really hard, you know? Heck, you cared about me when I made it hard. And I was thinking, you know, I shouldn't... I should have as much trust in you as you do with me and if I have to have a fistfight over it to knock some sense...that's fine."
He nods once, more convincing himself than Xantia, to share this next bit of information--even though it is absolutely true what he is saying.
"I think Id convinced her. I guess Id really has a way of words around--well, maybe he just gets it in ways that some of us can't." He shrugs both shoulders. Whatever it is, he supposes.
"Anyway, she uh--she gave us your other bracer. I don't know if... or what...it'll do. But if you want it, it's yours."
He rubs at his neck. "Uh I guess it seems a little silly to think your lost memories might be in it? But I guess either way it's something you lost, right?"
He nods once to himself, then again.
Xantia feels useless...?
"....And um, well, how you feel is how you feel but... In my mind you'll never be useless. If it wasn't for you, I get the feeling... It would have been a lot worse. I know uh, making things just 'less bad' doesn't...really feel as great as fixing something, or saving someone, but... You've really helped out and Emeralda really looks up to you. I'm glad she has you as family too."
<Pose Tracker> Elhaym van Houten has posed.
"Yes," Elly tells Xantia, but she doesn't go into the childhood memory more. Elly, at least, can read the room. Was that a mis-step?
Or perhaps it's put things on another flow...
... The truth is that Elly is playing it by ear, even if she might be playing the enigmatic wise-woman, just a little.
She doesn't have much to say about Id.
"Xantia... You're not useless," Elly tells her, softly. "I suppose Fei said it all, but I know how you feel. I hated it when I was recovering, after we came to Spira. I felt... miserable."
"If I can do anything for you, even if it's just listen, or visit -- let me know, and I'll do it, alright?"
With this she drifts a little towards... the bed? is she going to sit on the bed? is that how it works??
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's astonishing how Xantia's entire attitude changes once Id is brought into the mix. Or, well, it would be, had that not been the pattern. She does care greatly about Id, and trusts him to have her best interests at heart. When she views this as the result of him pursuading Xenia somehow... she's suddenly a lot more receptive to the possibility of this being a good thing.
"Well, um... thank you," she starts, suddenly sheepish about her kneejerk reactions. "I know you're all just trying to help. I guess... somehow it's just way easier to help others than it is to let others help me."
She doesn't feel she needs to specify that sometimes this involves beating someone up. It's a very sensible form of helping, in her experience. If she felt a fight would help her feel less useless then she'd have asked for one. If only all problems could be punched away.
"If only I knew what would help. I just... don't want to make trouble for anybody, you know? If I'm gonna black out in the middle of fights, that's not going to be good for anybody." Still, she doesn't have a 'defense' against the point that it's better to do something than nothing. That could be her motto. "I suppose..."
She shakes her head. "Well. I'd been worried that maybe letting Xenia get away was the wrong decision. She has all the answers, after all. But... if Id talked to her, and got her to give up that bracer... then maybe in some way it is the key to getting my memory back. So..." She nods, firmly.
"I'll take it."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei laughs a bit, "Yeah that's true. Always easier to look out for others than yourself. Well, being really selfish is also easy I suppose, so maybe it's just balance that's hard."
He listens for Id, but Id isn't speaking now. Maybe he took Xenia's demand that it be Fei's decision more seriously than he expected the alterego to take anything.
But he looks to Elly. He nods to her. Then to Xantia. "You're family, no matter what happens." Fei promises. "That's...the important thing to remember."
Don't forget.
He reaches into his bag. Slowly. Maybe too slowly...
But eventually that bracer appears in his hand and he walks over to Xantia and offers it to her.
"Hey," He says softly. "You can make trouble for us, lord knows I do. It's fine. We're here for you. And ... you don't have to be 'of use' either. The kind of person you are is all you have to be. Don't be afraid of leaning on us. We were given one wing for a reason."
He smiles. "But I hope this brings you some peace, shares some of what you've been searching for. Even if the answers are sad, I hope you can carry them with us by your side."
<Pose Tracker> Elhaym van Houten has posed.
After Fei speaks, so does Elly.
"Fei's right," Elly says. "People don't need to have 'a use.' If you're worried about battle... just remember that you don't have to battle to be important to us. If you need to rest, or recover, then please, take all the time that you need."
Elly considers bringing up hobbies -- but the bracer is revealed! Elly straightens up a little and --
(Oh, gosh,) Elly thinks. (I'd better not get too nervous or Xantia will notice and it's quite possible nothing at all will happen.)
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Family, no matter what happens. That really is what matters most to Xantia, in the end. That no matter what else might change, that never does. She looks directly at Fei, stating as emphatically as she possibly can:
"I'll never forget."
Saying it out loud makes it feel more like a real promise that she can make. Just ignore the other possibilities, focus only on the one you want, and do whatever you can to make it happen. It's advice she'd give to anybody. How could she not follow it herself?
Even so, she adds with a chuckle, "I want to fight though, Elly. It's what I'm best at, the way I can help most directly. If anything, I feel like I need to fight more, or just... better. I don't feel like I need rest or recovery nearly as much as I need that. Maybe that's not what it's like for most people... but it's what it's like for me. And I'm fine with that, as long as I don't mess it up."
The unusually absent smile has returned - talking about this has definitely helped. But of course, in the end... all eyes must be on the matter of the bracer. She accepts it from Fei gingerly, almost reverently. It feels like a very important moment, although...
The fact that there was another bracer didn't surprise her at all. She was already convinced of that much. How it could make a difference to have a second bracer when the one didn't help her remember anything at all... that part is more difficult to understand. And then there's the other thing.
"...This one's, uh. 'Seen better days', I think is what you say?"
Although there's a clear resemblance to the bracer she has, this second one is almost completely blackened, a bit bent and dented. It almost certainly can't still be functional. Xantia makes a movement as if to try and affix it to her left arm, but she stops halfway, unsure if it's even possible in the state it's in.
Then she looks up, gazing directly at Elly. "...Is something wrong?" Oh god she did notice
...And that seems to be all. No major upheaval or anything. Seems silly in hindsight to expect this to fundamentally change something in Xantia, doesn't it?
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei Fong Wong blinks slowly as Xantia starts to pull it on and... nothing happens. Well SOMETHING happens. Xantia notices that Elly's nervous. Fei can't really speak up for her but he does smile that Xantia assures him she'll never forget.
He gives Elly's hand a small squeeze. "Aw I don't know, you'd probably win a speed eating competition. You've got some real skills."
Look that counts as a non fighting skill in his book. Of course Fei is biased. He is also pretty good at eating.
"Yeah it's uh. Taken a beating. Guessing you were in a pretty big fight yourself."
He really hopes that Id didn't blow it up or something.
<Pose Tracker> Elhaym van Houten has posed.
Elly laughs a little at what Xantia says, if sheepishly. "It's up to you - but if you wanted to do other things, too, that's alright. But whatever you do, we're going to care about you, even so. Alright...?"
And then the bracer is given.
Elly tenses up. Her back muscles get tight. She hates that it happens but it does. She can feel every squat she did in the last week in the tension in her legs. It's possible she'll react poorly. If they just have to comfort her - to take the thing away - then that's no problem, but...
What if...
...
Elly's butt relaxes.
"I was just afraid something awful would happen," Elly tells Xantia, forthrightly. "Or that, I don't know -- the resurrected Siegfried would walk in the door and invite you to his dark castle -- I shouldn't tell stories like that."
"How does it feel?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Like a bracer, with dents in it," Xantia answers Elly, just as forthrightly if perhaps a bit too literally, before awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. "I was hoping for more, but uh, I'm good with nothing awful happening." Should she apologize for nothing awful happening? It almost feels that way now.
Xantia looks at the charred bracer again. A pretty big fight, Fei says. Maybe if she focuses really hard on the words 'big fight' while looking at it, she'll remember what big fight she was in and all her memories will come flooding back!
...
.....
.......
The silence is interrupted by Xantia's stomach growling.
"...Maaaybe it's a good idea to eat a little more anyway. A little practice for that speed eating competition, you know?" She's aware that there isn't an actual competition happening and also that she just ate less than an hour ago, right? She can make it difficult to tell sometimes.
Either way, looks like she didn't remember a dang thing. Yet. The way Xenia described giving Xantia the bracer was 'putting things in motion that can never be reversed'. Perhaps the meaning of those words will become clear with time...