2017-10-04: Strangely Therapeutic

• Log: Strangely Therapeutic
• Cast: Dean Stark, Ida Everstead-Rey,
• Where: Gunsmoke Desert
• Date:
• Summary: Ida and Dean have a conversation while heading back to November City from Wayside. Dean is adorable, bless his heart.

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<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

It's been a hectic few days for Dean, let alone Ida. The time before last that he'd seen her, she seemed in reasonably good spirits, put together if not precisely happy--but that was understandable, considering they met about getting rid of a bunch of Reapers before they had a chance to spread. It was serious business, so if Ida wasn't all fun and smiles, that made sense. But then he ran into her again at Wayside, and she was in a bad, bad way...

Then he managed to convince her to come to came so she could have a hot bath and a hot meal, then she disappeared somewhere while he and Avril and Sephy were taking care of other things, and then there was a pillar of light while they were looking for her and there Ida was, dazed and beat up but at least in one piece. If Dean had more self-awareness, he'd wonder if this is how Rebecca felt when she chases after him when he runs off and does reckless things.

For now, though, it seems like things are... improving? Dean's not really sure of it one way or another, but Ida's expressed that she wants to return to November City when previously she cried at the thought of it, and that seems... better than before, really. He'd offered to walk her back, not sure if she'd take him up on it, but she'd accepted, and now here they are, walking back to November City.

Well. 'Walking.' It's technically true! It's just that the one doing the walking is Ida's Gear.

"It really is a nice view from up here, huh?" Dean remarks from the passenger's seat, admiring the clear skies. He'd offered to do the driving in case Ida hadn't felt up to it, but she said she wanted to do it herself, and Dean wants to help, not coddle. "The desert heat isn't so bad with the breeze, either! Man, I can't wait until me and Avril get our Gears up and running! It's not the same as a Golem, but they're still pretty neat, huh?"

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

Ida is not sure where the failure point was, or even if there was one. More troubling is the fact that she's not sure if she's that much better. Sure, she was able to get into the Gear and turn it on and set off like nothing happened, but her mind is still filled with worry. Is anyone going to forgive her for what happened, or has she burned bridges with people who trusted her? Is she going to have more of those days where she can barely get dressed, much less do anything else? What's wrong with her? Dean's presence, as enthusiastic as it may be, is acting as a bit of a stabilizer. The thought of interacting with people still feels exhausting, but it's less exhausting when the person involved has shown they won't judge you when they've seen you at your worst.

That's one of the few bits of relief Ida's gotten out of this whole thing. She hasn't become a complete social pariah. She's still chewing on what Id told her, too. Even if she does figure herself out, she won't have a purpose, and people's lives are on the line.

"It is," Ida says. "Would you like me to flip the climate-control on?" The cracked, dry badlands around the mountain foothills are stating to taper off into plains. Ida pauses a moment. She looks down at the compartment at her feet, at what she knows is still in there. She gave custody of her lone remaining ARM to Dean, but what about the Medium?

"I don't know what went wrong," Ida says. She sounds somber and worried, but it's definitely not the low she hit a couple days ago.

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

"Nah, that's okay!" Dean reassures Ida. "I like feeling the regular breeze on my face. It might be hot out here, but climate-control gets way too cold!" Spoken like a true immortal teenager. It's easy for him to talk about anything and everything to fill the silence, too; even being around the topic of Golems has him going for ages.

But while he's not trying to mask over anything, he *is* trying to keep things light and friendly. He's not sure about Ida giving him custody of her ARM (though of course he takes it seriously, as seriously as he would any help he'd give anyone), any more than he knows about... whatever was going on with her a couple of days ago.

"...Yeah, me neither," he says, sobering as she does. "But I guess that makes sense, since we don't know each other *that* well." He pauses. "Umm... I dunno if I can give any good advice, but... if you want to talk about whatever's bothering you, I'm happy to listen. Maybe getting it off your chest will help?" Whether she's better or not, whether they know each other well or not, Dean does care about her. And if nothing else, he can at least provide a prompt: "Did you and Riesenlied have a fight or something? You seemed *really* upset at her..."

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

Ida reaches down and taps the 'autopilot' button. She takes a moment to configure it and select the destination before she turns back to Dean. She's fairly sure she can trust herself not to do something rash, but that 'fairly' is bothering her. Dean asks the tough question.

You brought this upon yourself. Remember that.

"We--we didn't," Ida says. She takes her hands off the controls, and lets the machine do the work. "When we spoke, last, I raised my voice, and that was wrong--but I wouldn't call it an argument." She wouldn't sink to your level. Ida presses a hand to her brow. "I'd just been feeling... off, lately. I think the situation with the Reapers made it worse." Yes, blame that. You know that isn't the answer. That isn't the answer at all.

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

'We didn't,' Ida says, and leaves driving the Gear to the autopilot. Dean wonders if maybe he should've left that one alone. (Rebecca would be proud, right after scolding him for being insensitive.) "Oh," Dean says, and falls silent. Off...? He frowns over at her, expression pensive. She says she thinks the Reapers situation made it worse, and that would make sense, but--

"Is that really true?" he asks. "I'm not accusing you of lying--if that really is it, I completely understand--but... I don't know. It just felt like it was bigger than that. Bigger than just... 'feeling off.'" He scratches his head. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, though," he adds, because he's honestly not sure he does.

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

Ida's lips tighten into a thin little line. She does this whenever she's thinking about something difficult, or upsetting, or otherwise emotional--and this time, she's not entirely successful in keeping the ears from her eyes. She blinks. "Riesenlied asked me to help her find a vector in a village infested by Reapers. About... thirty miles away from Wayside. Within striking range. I choked up. I don't know what went wrong, but I just--I just couldn't keep my head together. Talise almost died because of it. We couldn't even find the vector. It was shameful."

But it was more than just that, wasn't it? The only reason you're so concerned about those horrors is because you want Mother to be proud of you. You wouldn't bother with them if you didn't.

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

Dean listens and watches as Ida explains what had happened with lips in a tight, thin line. They tried to clear a village of Reapers, but something went wrong. Talise (he met her only once but he still remembers her, the bard woman with the stripes on her face) nearly died. Ida calls it shameful, and it *sounds* shameful. But...

"I don't get it," he says, eyebrows furrowing. "I mean, I get why that would mess you up. I'd be super upset, too, especially if someone nearly died 'cuz of me. But you were yelling things at Riese like..." He scratches his head. "Like you thought she's actually a bad person? About keeping orphans instead of finding their family, about being self-righteous and stuff... None of that had anything to do with any Reapers."

If they'd had a fight, he could understand that. People say hurtful things to people they're angry at; it's not nice, but it happens. But Ida keeps making it sound like everything was her fault. So then why would she talk about Riese the way she did?

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

You brought this on yourself. Explain this to him. Do you think honestly think he can help you, when no one else has been able to?

Ida curls up in the chair--at least, as much as she can with the restraints in place. If the Gear weren't on autopilot, this would be a very risky thing to do. "I wasn't angry at Riesenlied because she did something, or because we argued. I was angry with her because I was jealous of her." How petty of you. And you dragged it out into the square in front of everyone, too. "She... seems to be able to go through life with grace and ease, and would never lift a finger to harm someone unless forced. I can't do that."

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

It's true; Dean might not be able to help Ida in a meaningful way.

But at least it won't be because he didn't try. It won't be because he didn't listen.

"Oh," Dean utters, surprised by this admission. He can't quite wrap his head around it, being cruel and lashing out due to jealousy. (Ironically, Rebecca would understand completely--but she's not here, is she?) He almost points out to her that there's plenty of stuff she *can* do, that she was great with the Wels-infested villages, but he holds his tongue in time; even he realizes that would sting hard after her earlier admission that she froze up and nearly got someone killed the last time around.

Instead, he prompts: "Uh huh?" Because even if he doesn't know what to say, he can at least let her know he's listening and will continue to listen.

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

He's hesitating. He doesn't understand you. He's probably confused. Stop talking. Just stop talking and stew in your own misery for the rest of the trip. You deserve it.

"I've felt as though I've wanted to be... not her, precisely, but like her. Eschewing violence in word and deed, knowing it will only bring further ruin to this world. Polite and well-mannered and deferent. Like a lady should."

"And here I am, feeling like the only reason I am any of that is because it is how I was raised. As though my parents tried to teach me, but it didn't stick, as if there were something wrong with me."

Are you going to be the toy of your feelings? The toy of those stronger than you? Are you a toy, Ida, or are you a true human?

"I think the only person who... understands how I'm feeling is a mass murderer," Ida says. Her voice is tiny. "What does that say about me?"

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

Like a lady should... Dean scratches his cheek at that. "What do you mean, 'like a lady should'? You're a lady no matter what you do, right?" ...someone was apparently raised in a barn. Or a backwater village with less than a hundred people in it, either or. "Anyway... I don't know anything about your parents, but I think the person you are now is fine," he continues. "You're smart, brave, and caring... I get you must be really freaked out after that last Reaper-infested village, but Talise *didn't* die. And if you mess up, you've just gotta keep trying until you get it right. Just like me! Heh, if you ask Rebecca, I mess up all the time." He laughs at that, rubbing a finger under his nose.

But when Ida says what she does about a mass murderer, his smile fades, replaced by something more somber and serious. "...I don't know," he admits. "But I know you're a good person, even if you don't feel like one. You don't have to be perfect, you know? You've just got to try your hardest at what you want to do." A beat. "Whatever that is." He offers a smile. "Still, I'm glad you found *someone* who understands how you feel. And hey, if even a mass murderer can help someone feel better, that means you don't have to be a saint to do good in the world either!"

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

Ida looks at Dean. She tries, for a moment, to figure out how to explain the matter to him. "The place where I am from has a very specific standard of behavior," Ida says. "And I... absorbed other standards. There are specific ways someone of my station should behave, and doing otherwise may invite embarrassment." There. Did that make sense? You'll just confuse him more. How do you expect him to understand?

And then--

Ida blinks. Her face falls. "It--it was Id," she says. "The man from Wayside, the other day."

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

Dean listens to this and thinks very hard. So... she's supposed to act one way... but she's picked up on other ways of acting, when not acting the way she's supposed to would be... embarrassing? He scratches his head. "Is that important to you?" he asks. "Acting the way you're supposed to, so you don't get embarrassed, I mean?" There's a dubious note in his tone. "Because... maybe I'm not understanding it right, but I get the sense like it only matters to you because you think it *should* matter, not because it actually *does* matter to you."

Id, the man from Wayside. Dean blinks widely. He'd overheard some things afterwards, after the crowds had parted, things that had been muttered at the time but he'd been too distracted, too busy to hear at the time--that Id was the so-called Demon of Elru, that he'd destroyed the Metal Demons's last home. His expression clouds.

"Well, I'm glad he was nice to *you*, at least," he says.

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

"It's supposed to be," Ida says. A moment later: "It is." She looks down at the Gear's wayfinding screen, which currently features a best-guess map of the way to November because whatever system it used to pinpoint exact locations no longer has what it needs to work.

Ida spends a good minute thinking about how the same thing happened to her, sort of.

"He is also why you found me like... that," Ida says. How is she supposed to explain that she felt like she made a connection? She feels dirty and horrible just thinking about it. "I shouldn't have fought him when he challenged me. Better people than me have died fighting him. He wasn't even trying to kill me." Because he was trying to teach a lesson. A lesson you do not seem to understand.

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

"It's *supposed* to matter? Or it *does* matter?" Dean asks, because Ida literally just told him two different things in a row and, being a boy who hasn't quite grasped nuance yet, he wants to make sure he understands right.

"Oh," he utters, straightening when Ida explains that Id was the reason she vanished and showed up again all beat up--though it takes him a moment to realize that's what she means. "Wait, so he beat you up?! So he wasn't nice after all!!" he adds heatedly. He frowns hard when she goes on. "Why *did* you fight him, then?" he asks. "Would he've let you walk away if you'd refused?"

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

You confused him.

Ida takes a moment to try and sort through her thoughts, eventually coming up with an explanation she hopes that Dean will understand. "It feels as though it should matter. I was raised to believe it should matter. I don't know if I want it to matter." Her throat feels dry. She reaches for the canteen resting in its little holder at the side of her seat, pops the lid off, and takes a swig. "I don't know," Ida says. "Maybe I just didn't care if he killed me. Maybe I was thinking that if he'd wanted me dead, he could've killed me easily--therefore, he must have wanted me alive." What does that say about you? "I don't know if he would have. I don't know much about him, other than that he is extremely violent, and that he seems to understand what happened to me."

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

Dean scratches his head as he mulls over this. "So... what *do* you want to matter?" he asks. Though, he gets the feeling she doesn't know that either. Maybe not knowing all these things is what the problem is. He can't imagine being so lost and confused that you don't even know what you want to matter to you. He shivers a little, thinking about it. No matter she was so out of sorts.

"It sounds like there's a lot you don't know right now," he says. "That must be really tough, Ida. I'm sorry things are so weird and confusing for you right now." He scratches his head. "I don't know anything about Id either, to be honest. The other day was the first time I ever met him. Still... I'm glad he didn't kill you. That would be really awful." He offers Ida a smile. "It always is when you lose a friend."

<Pose Tracker> Ida Everstead-Rey has posed.

"I don't know," Ida says. It's almost reflexive. It's become a mantra of sorts. She's distinctly relieved when Dean doesn't decide to press the issue, and...

...in fact seems to understand. Ida looks at him for a long moment. 'Weird and confusing' is not how she would put it, but she saw that shiver. She closes her eyes, and a tear slides down her cheek. "It is," she says. Friend, she thinks, a moment later. Is she really--

"Thank you." Her voice is small, but grateful.

<Pose Tracker> Dean Stark has posed.

If you don't know, you don't know. There's no point in pushing a matter if you don't know the answer. Dean gets that probably better than most, and it's thanks to that that he's come to understand... at least some of what Ida's feeling right now. He nods again, accepting her answer as is--and then smiles more warmly before reaching out a hand for her to take if she likes.

"You're welcome," he replies. Because of course she is.