2020-04-26: Memories Make Things More Complicated

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  • Log: Memories Make Things More Complicated
  • Cast: Jacqueline Barber, Xantia
  • Where: The Cape of Breath
  • Date: April 26, 2020
  • Summary: Following a Solarian ambush on the Carakin, Xantia, worried because of her regained memories regarding Solaris, seeks out Jay to discuss what happened and what may happen.

===========================<* The Cape of Breath *>===========================

Stretching from the edge of the slowly-spreading northern desert, the Cape of Breath is the lush southern region of Meria Boule. Farmland and livestock take up much of the hilly region, dotted with the estates and castles of Merian nobles, often at the height of elevation, but across temperate land to the west great forests begin, still part of the great resources of the Merian nation. In places the badlands of the north find mirrors here, hotter regions with accordingly sparser populations... where people could move. 

To the farthest south and east are the wide coastlines, each marked with large cities. Only the fortress nature of many estates at the hearts of settlements recalls much of Meria's more warlike history, after the great efforts of the late Queen to ensure peace for all Meria Boule, and the spread of knowledge. Nevertheless, the increasing spread of monsters can make travel without caravan or guards a perilous undertaking indeed.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_gmgvAz8Ks
<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

No one was in a particularly adventurous mood after the run-in with OS, Rachiel, and Professor Castle. The original plan had been to explore the Elw ruin of Capel Coffa, but that plan was put aside for the moment in favor of rest and recuperation, to help them recover and process just exactly what happened.

The Carakin has returned to the east coast of Meria Boule from the island that was home to Capel Coffa. Jacqueline had thought it best to put some distance between themselves and the ruin, at least for the time being.

The Carakin is at rest now, and Jacqueline can be found seated in the center of one of the comfy sofas in the vehicle's living area, sitting back and just generally thinking with a warm beverage on the table in front of her

The interior doesn't look that much different from the last time Xantia visited, all told. It still has that same comfortable, welcoming atmosphere, even marred somewhat by the current mood.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia's original reason for tracking down the Carakin has gone... not forgotten, but put on the back burner for a bit. After that Solarian ambush, she was clearly still concerned. Her usual cheerful self when conversing with others, but when left to her own devices, it's been as plain as the look on her face that she wasn't in much of a festive mood. Happy that things turned out well, certainly, but far from convinced that this would be the end of it.

It's mainly for that reason that she decided to accompany the Carakin back to Meria Boule and stay in the area for a little while. Just to make sure that there would be no additional nasty surprises. She'd never forgive herself if something terrible happened right after she turned her back. She's not usually this cautious, but in regards to Solaris... well, things have changed in regards to Solaris.

With some time having past, this feels like the proper time to check in and talk about things. However, Xantia is still Xantia: her spontaneity overrides her sense of etiquette - in so far that exists at all - and she barges right on into the parked vehicle, entirely forgetting to announce her presence in advance. That only comes after that.

"Helloooo~? Anybody here? Jay?"

Xantia knows her way around. She doesn't really need a response to quickly find her way to the most likely place for people to be, sticking her head around the corner before fully stepping into the living area. Right now, she looks the same as she always does, all smiles as she gives a small wave.

"Hi! How are you? Everything still good?" Also very Xantia: immediately getting to the point, placing her arms behind her head as she casually inquires, "Sooo, I wanted to ask about what happened the other day... I just kind of ran into things, any idea what that was all about?"

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

Jacqueline looks up at the sound of that familiar voice - Xantia is hard to miss, even when one is lost in thought.

"Oh, yes, right here!" Jacqueline calls back. But, Xantia has already let herself inside, so in the end that's unnecessary. Jacqueline offers her a smile and a wave of greeting of her own.

"I'm hanging in there." She replies with a sheepish laugh. She hadn't really been hurt, but it was... a little shocking. And, though she hadn't reacted much at the time since she didn't want Castle to see her real reaction to it, she was still reeling from the fact that the Ministry, whatever their role was within Solaris, had deemed them all too dangerous.

It wasn't the first time someone wanted her gone, but it didn't make it any easier.

"How about you, are you okay? Feel free to take a seat, if you like." She says, then considers Xantia's question.

"...Hm. Well, I'll try to explain the best I can..." She says, thinking it over. "You remember Professor Castle, I'm sure, and you were there when OS made their first appearance as part of Lydia... but if you never met Rachiel before, she's acting as Lydia's handler with Solaris - relaying their orders, basically..."

She waits to let Xantia process all that before moving on.

"It sounds like... Solaris's Ministry has decided we're too dangerous to keep around." She says this with a slight frown. "And Professor Castle decided to act on this himself, and brought OS and Rachiel with him, presumably to teach them a lesson about... something, I'm not sure how a guy like that thinks. But, well... it looks like they both learned a different lesson than the one he set out to teach them."

Jacqueline shakes her head.

"I think that about sums it up... does that explain everything?" She asks.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

"Sure, I'm fine!" Xantia's immediate response to being asked how she's doing is sincere, but a bit thoughtless. It tends to parse as a question about her physical condition, which, well. Not everybody bounces back from getting nearly buried underneath a massive space rock very quickly, but it's probably not a big surprise that Xantia looks just as fine as she claims she is. Mentally... well, she has concerns, which is why she's here.

At the prompt to take a seat, she nods, seating herself next to Jay on the same sofa. Sure, she could have claimed a sofa of her own with all the available room, she just didn't. There may not be any particular reason, Xantia is well known to Just Do Things.

She crosses her arms and listens calmly. The way she's nodding at the notion of Rachiel being Lydia's handler makes it clear that she was either already aware, or this comes as no surprise to her. The perhaps expected 'what's a handler' question doesn't come. She processed that part quickly.

It's the second part that has her brow furrowing with worry, and some measure of confusion. Solaris is specifically targeting the Carakin? What could that be about?

Xantia lets out a brief chuckle when asked if that explains everything. "No. I think only Solaris can make sense of what Solaris does. Sounds like this ambush was a grudge thing, though. That makes sense, it's not their style to be this direct if they don't have to be." She's speaking casually enough about this, but then her expression turns serious, as she rests her palms on her knees, looking down at her lap. "...But, I'm worried about what they're planning. Very worried."

Catching herself, she sheepishly looks back at Jay. "Oh, I should probably explain. I kind of... remembered things, about Solaris. Apparently I knew all about them, once, before I lost my memory. I don't know exactly what it means, but now, whenever I think about them... all I want to do is stop them. Whatever they're doing, doesn't matter what it is, I can't let them do it." She makes a fist with her right hand.

"So, I'll put a stop to this, too. I don't know how yet, but I'll find a way."

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

Xantia says she's fine. Jacqueline looks at her for a moment, as if looking for any evidence to the contrary - but she either doesn't see anything or just decides not to press the issue as she nods, and smiles when Xantia takes a seat next to her.

"...Yeah, that sounds about right." She comments when Xantia says only Solaris can make sense of what Solaris does. "I don't know why they'd be targeting us, but I'm sure they have their reasons... whatever they might be."

A grudge, though... Jacqueline nods.

"...Yeah, probably. After what happened last time we met..." She shakes her head, then looks toward Xantia as she comments on how it's not their style to be direct. She's starting to wonder just how much Xantia knows... but, right about as soon as she does, she gets an explanation. She listens quietly, without interruption.

She knew about them before - and now she wants to stop them.

"So there must be some connection there." She says consideringly. "I'll admit, they haven't exactly done much to win me over, either."

She pauses for a moment.

"...I don't know much about them, though. I've been following Gebler's actions ever since what happened with Cecilia at Bledavik... but I didn't know about Solaris until they revealed themselves in Spira." She replies, shaking her head. "I still can't see the entire... shape, of everything. But I don't know that I like what I can see."

She pauses for a moment, though. She doesn't know how yet, but she'll find a way, hm...? Jacqueline thinks it over.

"Rachiel mentioned a 'Shevat' before, and you seemed to know something about it, too. What do you remember?" Jacqueline asks.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia listens to Jay's responses, reacting to them only with the occasional nod. The silence is unusual, but she also looks a little different than usual. There's none of the usual cheer and enthusiasm. She's always been capable of being serious, certainly, but even then there tends to be some obvious emotion involved. Having spoken of Solaris, though, all expressiveness gradually drained away. She only seems grimly determined, completely certain of what must be done in that regard.

She takes advantage of Jay's pause to add more about what she knows. "That moment in Spira is when it all came back to me. I know... a lot. Not many specifics, but I know what Solarian society is like, in general. I even know their language. Do you have any idea how bizarre that is, suddenly knowing the meaning of words you can't remember hearing before?"

Xantia looks away for a moment, taking a few conscious breaths. She was making herself upset going down that line of thought, but caught it before it got out of hand.

Jay asks about Shevat next, and Xantia nods quietly. "I don't... remember much about Shevat. But, I know of it. Enough to know that what Mariel said is true, it's a flying city. I don't know much else, except that they're enemies of Solaris. Or, they were, once. It doesn't look like they're still fighting. But it's the best lead we have on people who might know how we can fight Solaris. We... the Black Wolves, I mean, we've wanted to get in contact with them for some time. But if there's a way, we haven't found it yet." She pauses briefly, before suggesting, "They may not want to be found."

Xantia slowly brings her legs up on the couch and crosses her arms, an uncertain expression crossing her features. "And... I'm worried about Shevat, too. I may have something to do with them. The fighting style that Fei and I use is from there. But when I think about that..." The fear is evident in her eyes when she turns her head to look Jay in the eyes. "I feel like I may have been running from them."

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

It's definitely a different look. Jacqueline can't help but be a little concerned. She listens as Xantia explains just how much she knows about Solaris. She's about to comment on what she says... but, then she notices Xantia catching herself from getting worked up and decides not to bring it up, instead going down a different track.

"...Would you care for something to drink?" She offers, as a way of trying to give her something else to focus on, before listening to what she has to say about Shevat. A flying city, much like Solaris... and, they're enemies - or were, at one point. She's about to comment on that... but then Xantia continues, and what she has to say, and that look of fear in her eyes, gives her pause.

"You were... running from them?" Jacqueline says, a frown crossing her face. "I suppose it was too much to hope that an enemy of Solaris could be our friends. Rachiel was concerned they might try something with Lydia, too. If we do manage to get in touch with them, we'll have to be careful. And..."

Jacqueline hesitates for a moment, thinking of what to say.

"And, if they try anything - if they try to hurt you, or do anything you don't want, then we'll stop them, too. I'm sure the Black Wolves would say the same." Jacqueline says, trying to reassure her. She sounds serious about it.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia nods to the offer of a drink, still quiet otherwise. She doesn't specify what, but that's typical, she rarely notes any particular preference where it comes to food or drink. She may just like everything. As long as there's no alcohol involved, she's made her distaste of that stuff pretty clear.

She shakes her head slowly when questioned about running from Shevat. She can't be entirely sure. All she knows is, "I was running from something before collapsing in the desert. And I feel afraid when I think about Shevat. So..."

No matter the drink she ends up receiving, she empties it in one gulp. No big surprise, Xantia doesn't know what moderation means. But there is a frown crossing her features when she does. It coincides with the mention of what Rachiel said. She doesn't like the idea of anybody messing with Lydia further, of course. But there's another reason for that.

Before she broaches that topic, she smiles when Jay pledges her support. So the expression she usually has isn't gone entirely, it's just not showing as much when these are the topics. "Thank you. I know they'd help too. I'm happy to have so many good friends. I just hope I won't have to worry you all. Whether it is because of needing help... or the way I try to help."

She doesn't specify what that means, but it can be inferred. Her feelings regarding Solaris are powerful enough that she tried to straight up murder Alexander Castle back there. Many might say that he had it coming, but Xantia doesn't exactly seem the type to resort to that so readily.

But, she still has to broach a topic that may be a fair bit more difficult. Her expression sobers when she asks, "So, this Rachiel person. Are you sure you can trust her?"

This is probably the most Un-Xantia-like question that Xantia has ever asked. It doesn't seem like something she's ever asked herself, since she seems to trust everybody.

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

With a nod Jacqueline stands up, heading into the kitchen area. She soon returns with a glass of fruit juice, which doesn't last long in Xantia's hands.

"I find it's generally a good idea to listen to those instincts." Jacqueline comments, as Xantia mentions she feels afraid when she thinks about Shevat.

And then Xantia thanks her for her support, and hopes that she won't have to worry them. Jacqueline chuckles good-naturedly.

"Well, 'worrying' is part of the friend package. But... I understand what you mean. I hope it won't have to come to that." She says. Indeed the way she reacted to the Professor, it seemed a little... out of line with what she expected.

And then, Xantia asks a difficult question - one that doesn't seem like her. Is she sure she can trust her? Jacqueline frowns, thinking it over. She's quiet for a moment.

"...I don't know if... I'd call it trust. I can't say I even know her that well. But, I think... I moreso want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that she wants to help. That she meant what she said, when she said she wants to try and fix things from the inside. I want to believe that there are reasonable people among Solaris." She explains. "...That doesn't mean that I'm not being careful, of course. It's entirely possible she has her own ulterior motives for wanting to help Lydia, for pointing us toward Shevat, and I can't forget the way she and OS...dealt, with Professor Castle. But right now, we don't have much else to go on... even if we don't trust her, she's our only lead right now."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia couldn't argue against Jay's point there. In the rare cases where she didn't listen to her instincts, she was usually sorry about it later. She doesn't know anything about what a 'friend package' is supposed to be, but she knows what feels right and what doesn't. Sticking to that seems like the best policy.

But as for right now, she is fully focused on the question she just asked. There is no expression to read on Xantia's face as she listens to Jay's answer. But by all rights, this should sound like a perfectly valid answer to her. It's right in line with Xantia's own beliefs - Xantia would be far less careful about it even. So she shouldn't be able to have to have objections.

She shouldn't, and yet...

"Ulterior motives is what I'm worried about. Why would a Solarian suggest getting Shevat involved? Their society is..."

Xantia falters for a moment, failing to put into words what she was going to say, so she starts again. Calmer, but emphatic.

"I may not know how, but... I know what Solarians are like, Jay. Solarians are not like Filgaians. Every Filgaian is different, but in many ways, all Solarians are the same." She pauses. "Well, not exactly the same, there's this class system that..." She pauses again, then facepalms. "That's not important."

As it turns out, it's difficult to explain something that comes from a big pile of unsorted knowledge you suddenly regained, without any idea of where it originally came from. She needs another moment, taking a deep breath before she regards Jacqueline again with a tired expression.

"The point is... from a young age, Solarians are taught certain things, things that they can't question. Things like being superior to Filgaians, who they call -Lambs-." She pauses when she realizes she said that in Solarian, shaking her head and correcting herself, "Lambs, is what that means. And Shevat, even now, is considered 'the enemy'. Telling Lambs to contact Shevat, that's betraying everything that Solaris stands for. No Solarian would even consider it. ...Unless..."

Xantia makes a face, and suddenly leaps off the couch, hands in her hair, furiously messing it up even more than it already is. "Ahhh, I don't know! I guess she could be like Elly. But it's so hard to believe that when I know exactly what they're like!"

Mistrust is still a very foreign feeling to Xantia. All this time, she's defaulted to believing in everyone. But now there's all these memories, adamantly telling her that Solarians can't be trusted, no matter what. She just can't reconcile this in her mind.

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

Jacqueline listens as Xantia explains about Solarian society. The way they're taught, how they feel... She listens and doesn't interrupt her, but there's an uncertain frown on her face the whole time.

"...I don't know." She says finally, shaking her head. "It's hard for me to say that they're all the same. They might be raised a certain way, their heads filled with terrible things, but they're still people, too - they have the potential to learn, and grow past that. It doesn't feel right to paint them all with the same brush. We might have to deal with whoever's maintaining the status quo... but I don't think it's impossible we can make peace someday."

It is still worth asking, though - why would someone of Solaris suggest they contact Shevat? Was Rachiel like Elly?

"...I don't know. If Lydia's with us when we contact them, it's possible they might be able to track them somehow... assuming they don't know already. Or, maybe she just genuinely wants to help. It's hard to tell right now." She says.

She notes the way Xantia leaps off the couch, messing up her hair.

She thinks on it for a moment.

"I know these are your memories... but how do you feel about it?" She asks.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia's mind is completely muddled at this point, through no fault of anybody. It's just not the way memories are supposed to work, suddenly appearing and making you question everything you've believed for years in certain specific ways. How is it possible to figure out how to feel about it now, when she doesn't know how she came to feel this way in the past? It's frustrating enough to cause her to snap at Jay when she asks that question, "How am I supposed to know?!"

She grunts, her hands dropping to her sides as she stands up straight. "...I'm sorry. This is... like what you said earlier. Listening to my instincts. My instincts are saying that... Filgaia will never know peace as long as Solaris exists."

She turns to face Jay and lets out a short chuckle, devoid of amusement. "You may have to stop me one day." Her expression turns serious. "You should, if you think I'm about to make a mistake. If I try to do anything unlike me. I can't always... trust myself."

Xantia takes a deep breath, then turns, and lets herself fall backwards onto an unoccupied sofa. "Sorry, again. I'm sure you'd understand if this happened to you. But, I hope no one will have to understand."

She sits up, propping one leg up on the sofa. "I think for now, it's more important that you keep two things in mind." She raises a finger.

"One: their Ministry, the Gazel Ministry, controls everything. If there really was an order that came directly from them, that means you're considered a threat to Solaris as a whole."

She gives that statement the heavy pause it deserves, before she adds with a casual gesture, "Of course, everything Castle said could've been a lie. That's what they do. They make you believe what they want you to believe, so that they can control you. That's why it's hard to trust them. But, if it's true..."

Xantia swings her legs around, finally sitting the way you're supposed to sit on a sofa. "You have to figure out why. What it is you've done, or are doing, that makes Solaris worried about you in particular. If we can figure that out, maybe we can figure out how we can stop them. And, two..."

Xantia raises two fingers, then slowly lowers them, and drops her gaze with it. She doesn't look happy. She has to say this, but she doesn't like to think about this at all. After a moment, she looks up again.

"Solaris doesn't just let their assets go. They'll be watching you. Through Lydia. That's not her fault, she can't help it. But it does mean that you need to be very careful about what you say and do while she's around."

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

Jacqueline jumps a little when Xantia snaps at her. She looks away from her sheepishly, clasping her hands in her lap and looking a little embarrassed.

"I-I'm sorry, I... I should've been more considerate, too." She replies quietly.

Filgaia will never know peace as long as Solaris exists...

Xantia says she might need to stop her - that she should stop her, if she thinks she might make a mistake. Jacqueline doesn't acknowledge it directly, but there's a sharp intake of breath that makes it clear she understood it.

She's silent for a moment, but focuses her attention completely on Xantia when she raises a finger.

The Gazel Ministry, hm... She frowns a little. And, of course, as she says there was a possibility it was a lie, too.

"I'm not sure what it would be at the moment... I guess I'm a bit of a meddler, maybe." She admits, massaging the back of her neck.

And then Xantia continues. Jacqueline frowns a little... and nods. She doesn't seem surprised.

"...'Her eyes are our eyes'... That's what Professor Castle said a while back. I guess that never really changed." Jacqueline replies. "...Yeah, we'll be careful."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia chuckles, this time with actual amusement, when Jay describes herself as a 'bit of a meddler'. "A bit of a meddler who's gotten... how many people to meddle with things along with her?"

It would be hard to not have noticed how the Carakin has grown over time. Still, when Xantia thinks about Solarian involvement, she thinks more in terms of kingdoms. Even with everything she knows, she can't make sense of a group of this size being considered a major threat to an entire nation.

Her expression sobers when Jay quotes Alexander Castle. "Yeah... he did say that. I'm afraid that was no lie. We didn't know about it at the time, but... as long as OS is there, Solaris's eyes will be too." She averts her eyes for a moment, then decides to share, "I might be able to get rid of it. But... Lydia has to agree."

She probably doesn't need to clarify that this is because there are great risks involved with what she has in mind.

After a moment's pause, Xantia smiles, and scratches her head. "Wow, what a talk, huh? This must be weird. I know I'm not usually like this. It's still me, honest! I'll prove it - we first met when the Black Ties were robbing a bank and setting a town on fire and we tried to stop them. See, I remember!"

No trouble at all holding onto the memories that were made after her memory loss incident, thankfully.

<Pose Tracker> Jacqueline Barber has posed.

"Y-yeah, that's true, too..." Jacqueline admits with a laugh, as Xantia points out how many people she's roped into things. But, soon enough, the topic turns back to something more serious.

"...Yeah. It's unavoidable..." She says, and thinks for a moment. She shakes her head. "That's... something you'd have to discuss with Lydia, yeah. She's the one who ultimately has to make the call."

There's a brief pause... and then Xantia smiles again, which gets a smile out of Jacqueline. She chuckles a little when Xantia recounts their first meeting.

"It's okay, I know it's you. But, goodness... it feels like it's been an eternity since then, doesn't it? Things felt so much simpler back then..." She comments. And now here they were, discussing a conspiracy that the average person knew nothing about.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

"They were," Xantia wastes no time in responding. "Memories... make things more complicated." Especially these recently recovered ones.

Rather than dwell on that, instead she recounts in a pleasant tone, "Back then, I had no idea what I doing or where I was going. But now I have so many friends, even family! So many people who helped me, even though nobody knew anything about me. So, even if I find out that my past was bad... it can't change how happy I am about the present."

Which is why she's not about to let Solaris ruin her, or anyone else's happiness. She can't stop thoughts like that from constantly bubbling to the surface. But she doesn't always need to speak them out loud.