2021-07-12: Dangerous Promises

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  • Log: Dangerous Promises
  • Cast: Riley Arwell, Xander Lovell
  • Where: Zoara Badlands
  • Date: July 12, 2021
  • Summary: As Riley's condition rapidly deteriorates, the Fangs struggle to keep morale alive. Xander steels himself for what he feels he has to do... and Riley silently determines to oppose him.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley's condition has taken a steep decline since the thorns first appeared in his throat; on top of the stress of the attacks themselves, it's been difficult for him to get much food or water into his body, and since most of what they've been doing is hiking through the desert, his strength is fading. He has started spending less time plodding along with Xander hoping to stumble across a traveler or two and more time resting at their camp while Xander scouts around looking for the perfect town to wipe out.

Because... that's a thing that Xander has been doing. This is crazy. Their bad luck with hunting... the thorns stealing his voice... the fact that Xander's dead set on breaking himself to get them a long break and all of Riley's protests and arguments have just been breaking over him like waves... it's been crazy longer than that, but it's been easier to ignore it, because he hasn't had to feel the punishment that often. All these demoralizing twists of fate... Maybe they're not supposed to kill anyone else. They went to the moon and found paradise and pineapple juice. Maybe they had their last good time already, their last deferred bit of happiness from before and it's finally time to accept that it's after and there's no more good days left for them to steal.

When next Xander returns to camp, he will find Riley lying on his side like he sat down and listlessly tipped over (he did), gazing into his recording sphere and listening to it emit a sonorous loop of toad croaks.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander returns, eye darker than usual. Sleep has been fleeting with Riley in this state, haunted by the fear he could wake to Riley not breathing -- not moving. When awake, he searched. But he's finally found it. His target. A settlement along a canyon. He can send it down the cliff side once he's done draining the townsfolk of blood. A landslide in the night. A natural disaster. Tragic, but not worth investigating in all of the area's other problems.

All he has to do is... let go. Give in. Embrace the power Valmar gave him for these gruesome tasks and make it like Cereza: quick, decisive, and unstoppable. No allowing interruption, from Drifter or otherwise. No more hesitating because the opportunity only puts them in more danger, because he'll remove anything and anyone who could bring them danger.

The worse Riley's suffering, the easier the thought becomes.

"Riley --" Xander starts, not without panic as he drops down to Riley's side, and only lets himself breathe once he confirms Riley is. He sets a hand gently on Riley's shoulder, letting it linger there before getting his mortar and pestle to begin grinding and handful of wild berries.

"...I managed to find some berries," he says, "If you're willing to try it."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Since he has had so many near-death experiences over the past few days, another thing Riley has been doing to pass the time at camp is writing Xander goodbye notes. He has several of them tucked away in different pockets -- one of them has all of the apologies, another one reminisces about their days growing up together -- one more tells Xander about how cute and wonderful he is, and the last one explains how to get a powerful poison from the flowers in Riley's hair if Xander doesn't want to be left alone.

This, on top of his other ruminations, has got him somewhat... sentimental. When Xander appears, Riley sets the sphere down and holds out his arms for a sideways ground hug he seems to be willing to let Xander do all the work of figuring out the logistics of.

...I managed to find some berries. If you're willing to try it.

Riley winces. He's hungry, but again, he has pockets full of goodbye notes spurred by such attempts. But maybe this, too, is fate. Death by berry seems like it's probably how he's supposed to go. He nods.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander looks down at Riley's outstretched arms with a start. He sets the mortar aside, and his hesitation is only in trying to determine how this is supposed to work without Riley moving -- something that is clearly not going to happen. Xander settles on lowering himself to the ground to lie beside him a moment, pulling into a protective hug.

He just assumes it all hurts. He doesn't imagine Riley's head has gone to places so hopeless yet.

"You're going to need to sit up," he says. But he doesn't try to move Riley yet. The berries aren't going anywhere and as much as Xander wants Riley to get something down, he knows it's going to be painful.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley could get up -- and, in fact, as Xander points out, he's going to have to get up soon enough -- but he still takes some strange satisfaction in Xander's acquiescence to the demand for Ground Hug, putting his arms around him and giving a squeeze that he attempts to use to nonverbally convey Xander's preciousness. It's a painful hug for them both, probably, but it's a painful everything lately.

Then it is time to face Getting Up. He reaches for the sphere again to convey his Dissappointment and then pushes himself back up to a seat. He really is still capable of moving around. This is partially just moping.

He gestures questioningly out at the distance as a way of trying to ask how Xander's explorations went.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

The sting of the thorns will never be as painful as any feeling of distance between them. Xander leans into the squeeze a little, wishing he knew what to say to fill the silence, knowing Riley would choose to fill it, if he could.

He doesn't even grimace at the use of the sphere this time, instead giving up to give Riley space, but keeping his hands on him to help steady him as if he were about to break apart any moment, capable or no.

"...I spotted an active settlement in the canyon. It's a convenient location for..." Xander sighs. "For making it look like an accident. It will take extra time to reach it from here. We don't have the gear to travel as the crow flies."

The fear that any extra moment they take will be an extra moment too long constantly looms in the back of Xander's thoughts. He sets his hand to Riley's cheek. "If we find anyone on the road, that's what we'll do, but..." But they haven't been that lucky so far.

He withdraws to get the mortar and off it to Riley, the berries crushed into a jam-like mush. Not a fun texture to eat every meal with, Xander's sure. But any hydration and nourishment could be vital.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

...He found a place. It's getting more real, now. Riley repeatedly triggers the Disappointed noise, but he doesn't know what good more arguing will do. Xander is convinced he'll be able to withstand it. And the universe seems to have gotten tired of offering them viable kills. It doesn't seem fair that there should be a Drifter standing ready to stop them every time they find a potential sacrifice, but then Xander should be allowed to waltz into an undefended settlement and kill everyone there and destroy himself in the process.

Maybe there will be Drifters, somehow. Maybe that's just their lives now.

... ... maybe he could make sure there are Drifters.

... ... weird thought. Focus on your berry mush, Riley. Maybe you're not even meant to have to deal with this problem.

Riley takes the berry jam and swallows it carefully. His throat is full of raw wounds, and it stings going down. But it seems like if he can keep from flinching, he won't tear anything, and and if he doesn't tear anything he won't get a gush of blood coming out at the same time his windpipe spasms open...

The problem is every swallow it gets harder not to flinch. But he does get some of it down. He sighs, exhausted by the simple task.

He looks at Xander with a shaky smile and plays the 'Xander' sting from the sphere in thanks.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander sets his hand over Riley's with a hiss, trying to discourage him from the sound without actually forcibly stopping him from playing it. "I know. I'm sorry -- I know." But he doesn't know. He doesn't realize the extent Riley worries for him. That the fear is Xander getting lost again, maybe never to find the will to come back this time.

"Yell at me all you want once you've got your voice back."

He has to look back to watch Riley eat, tense with the fear he might need to intervene. However hard it is for Xander, he knows it's worse for Riley, and once Riley stops, he doesn't know if he should be relieved it's over or disappointed that's all Riley could manage. Xander brings his arms around Riley again.

"...It won't be much longer before you can eat normal food again."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

...It won't be much longer before you can eat normal food again.

Xander's own voice comes from the sphere again, this time deadpan and sarcastic. 'Reassuring.'

...maybe Riley has a little fight left to argue with him still. Could he stop him physically somehow? Hang on and refuse to let go? That would probably end up just being a more strident way of making an emotional appeal, and those haven't been working so far.

... maybe he really could put someone in their way. It would be dangerous. They could die. But... maybe they're supposed to. A lot of people have died so that Riley could have extra days to tease Xander and kiss him and tell strangers they're married. He's helped himself to a lot of days like that. At a certain point he's just being greedy.

That point was probably the very first time he did it.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander pulls back to look at Riley flatly. He breaks with a heavy sigh, hands still on Riley's shoulders.

"I'm doing what needs to be done. And we need this, Riley. You'll have time to drag us off on whatever vacation you want afterward."

He leans back in to press his forehead against Riley's. "...You don't need to do anything right now," he says, softer. "Let me take care of you this time."

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

...He's so intent on this idea. 'Take care of you...' That's what it is to him?

It's so sweet... in the horrible, upside-down way that much of their relationship has been sweet.

Riley sighs and his expression eases, letting himself savor the closeness for a while. Then he pulls back to write a message.

'I don't want you to do it. But if you have to, let me come with to help. I don't want you to go through it alone.'

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander reads the message, and he's not skilled enough in restraint to keep himself from groaning.

"I don't want you to do it either. But I already know you're going to be there to pester me," he says, like it were going to be a normal fight. Like a 'normal fight' is at all normal and casual and what has become of their lives. "No matter how much I ask you to stop using your hand."

... But do things change, if Riley sees him do it?

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

No matter how much I ask you to stop using your hand.

Riley smiles and leans forward to kiss his cheek, cupping the side of his face not covered by the half mask.

There isn't going to be another Cereza. He'll stop it, one way or another. But if this really is all coming to an end, he doesn't want to spoil their last days together with fighting.

He plays the Xander sound from the sphere, because a bit of Xander torture won't spoil the days, it can only improve them.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander reddens with the kiss and the sound, eye looking off to the side in a desperate attempt to escape.

"Ugh, I should have never given you that...!"

(Just how serious are those two notes to you, Xander?)

At least Riley seems a little more at ease. It's going to be grim work, but so is everything, isn't it? Once the pain stops, Riley will have an easier time going back to his usual self. They just need to hold onto these moments a little longer.

-------------------
Later that night...
-------------------
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

It's fear that keeps Xander from sleeping, but dedication that keeps him awake.

He had gone through all the motions of preparing for sleep, but guided Riley to lay his head on his lap, lying that he'd settle himself soon enough. Xander needed to keep Riley positioned just so, so he wouldn't roll onto his own thorns, and so his neck would be kept straight, and so he'd be stable and secure and safe. Xander decided that Riley needs comfort to block out the pain, however meagerly it could be provided.

And Xander needs to see that Riley's still breathing, one moment to the next.

A relaxing scent synthesized to mimic the ocean breezes of Spira hangs in the air from a small spritz of a new concoction. Xander traces his fingers over Riley's brow, humming nigh inaudibly. The sound finds more confidence when it doesn't disrupt Riley's rest.

And then, daringly, Xander swallows to wet his throat, lifting from that resonate hum into singing. Xander doesn't have Riley's practiced voice, but the small vocal range needed helps hide his rougher edges and keeps the sound of pleasant.

He can't remember all the words of the old lullaby, returning to humming occasionally. He takes Riley's hand in his, ever watching for the rise and fall of his chest.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley was more than happy to use Xander as a pillow, but he did believe Xander when he claimed he'd at least try to sleep, too.

When the thorns first appeared, Riley would usually have trouble getting comfortable enough to sleep, but lately, now that the situation has worsened enough to become a drain on his energy, he has, perhaps worryingly, been having little trouble drifting off despite the pain.

But the sleep he finds is still light, and there's a part of his consciousness aware of Xander's voice, and his touch.

He nuzzles in closer to Xander and lets out a familiar murmur -- one Xander has heard many times from a half-asleep Riley who is contented with Xander's presence and wishes for whatever he's doing to continue.

But sounds aren't an option for Riley right now. And so the sound is choked off by a short gasp of pain as the thorns bite and tear, and then the gasp itself is cut short as he aspirates blood.

Riley's hand tightens in Xander's as he bolts up, shocked awake by the urgency to try to breathe but not yet understanding why he can't and what he needs to do about it.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Between his own fatigue and the gentleness of the moment, Xander's guard falls nearly as much as Riley's does. But all it takes is one choked moment to shatter the hope that the night will pass in peace.

"Riley...!"

Xander hurriedly helps Riley up, using only one arm as his hand refuses to let go or be let go of or both. He gets Riley upright, but gently tilts his head forward so gravity can help drain the blood out without forcing Riley to swallow it down. "I-I'm here, I'm right here," Xander hisses urgently, already feeling like that's only an argument that things will get worse.

Hot tears blur his vision, and he pinches his eye shut to force it to fall so he can have the clarity of vision he desperately needs right now. Breathe, please, come on... just keep breathing...

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

There's a few more terrible moments before Riley gets his thoughts back in order -- stop trying to breathe in, get it out. Xander tips him forward to help him drain out most of it. Then he's coughing -- weakly, at first, until he clears his airway enough to get a ragged breath in, which lets him intake enough for a more productive cough, which aggravates the wounds -- finally he finds a balance that lets him get the blood up without tearing his throat to let loose more of it, and manages to get himself breathing again.

He sags and clings to Xander, wheezing, his heart still hammering from the scare.

When he feels mostly alive again he tries to smile at Xander to let him know he's all right -- god knows he can't say anything to break the tension. The effect is made less reassuring by the blood that had dribbled down his chin.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander tenses, watching, waiting, barely breathing himself. He thinks for a moment to shove away from Riley, because it feels like his fault -- for causing the fit, for not getting a cleaner kill earlier, for taking so long to get one now, for not trying to stab Magilou when he had the chance even if it'd have cost him --

But Riley clings to him, and Xander clinging back is instantaneous. He grips his fingers in hard, then shifts, getting his arms around Riley completely to hug him tight against his chest, ignoring every prick of every thorn as the tears spill down his face.

Once apart, Riley's smile only makes Xander's heart ache further. His face contorts with a failed attempt to stop his own tears. With a hitched breath, he brings his sleeve up to Riley's face to wipe the blood from from him.

It's his job now to say something, say anything, to fight this silent void.

"...I'm sorry," is all that ends up coming out.

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Oh no, Riley's attempt to look all right did not work, Xander is crying...

And he is trying to clean Riley up by getting the blood all over himself. Riley is dimly aware that there's probably a metaphor for their relationship somewhere in there, but he's too rattled to ruminate on it too deeply.

He is more worried about reassuring Xander. He smoothes a hand over the side of Xander's head and through his hair a few times, and then fumbles around for the sphere, there has to be something in its stores that can push away the tension and sadness and bleakness of what feels like the approaching end of their lives together.

And that is how the silence following Xander's tearful apology gets broken with Magilou's "tra-la-la-la-la...!" Riley looks down at the sphere and then back up to Xander hopefully. ...did that make it better.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander tenses because Riley's doing it backwards again -- reassuring when he should be accepted reassurance -- but Xander doesn't realize how distraught he looks despite that it simply matches what he feels.

He closes his eye with the touch, shaken. Something about it hurts somewhere deep in his heart, but for once, he doesn't let that particular gnawing feeling drive him to shove Riley away. Instead he takes Riley by the wrist, leaning his cheek into Riley's palm.

And then Riley has to go an activate that stupid sphere. Xander abruptly huffs out a broken sound, something like a laugh or another sob. It's not clear -- Xander's not sure either.

He looks back at Riley, and when the words still don't come, he leans forward to kiss him, and feels sick with the sense it could be the last time he does it.

But it won't be, it won't be. It can't be.

"Do you think you'll be able to get back to sleep?"

<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.

Riley is not sure if Xander is comforted (did he make him laugh or cry harder?), but he will accept a kiss. He is more at home than Xander is with the idea that these moments could be their last. He doesn't like it, but he's been gloomily trying it on and convincing himself of the grim romanticism of it. His pockets are full of goodbye notes.

Xander keeps saying he's here and worrying it's ineffectual, but really that's all that Riley can ask for. Just let them be together in the end, no matter how much or little time is left. He can face it if he's not alone.

When Xander asks if he can get to sleep, Riley shrugs, genuinely unsure whether fear or exhaustion would win in this battle, but tries to lie back down with him anyway, this time somewhat obstinately draping over his chest so he'll lie down too.

<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.

Xander gives a startled grunt as he's pulled down with Riley. "Hey -- I need to --"

Fuck, his body feels so heavy. He sets back against the ground with a loud sigh, and moving at all would be dangerous for Riley. At least, that's what he tells himself, perhaps making it the sneakiest move Riley could have made.

So Xander settles, arm over Riley in turn.

"Fine," he relents, and only then does he absently wipe at the tears at his face. His sleeve has too much blood on it. Riley's blood.

They can't do this much longer. But they won't have to. Riley will be back to laughing and singing and joking soon enough. However much blood it costs them, Xander will pay it.