2022-04-26: What It's Like To Be Lost
- Log: What It's Like To Be Lost
- Cast: Loren Voss, Xantia
- Where: Port Rosalia - Seabreeze Avenue
- Date: April 26, 2022
- Summary: Loren is approached by Xantia, who has one very, very important question for him.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
What do Solarian soldiers do on their time off?
The answer is that it varies. Some stick close to their base and simply make ample use of entertainment, however they find it. Some might travel, either back to Etranank or to another base -- if they're able to book a ride or make arrangements. And others still, well...
...they go out into the world of the Lambs. The reasons are varied: some are just interested in the surface-dweller cultures academically, still others find themselves fascinated by the 'simpler' life they live. Others yet are more interested in what passes for the wilderness of the world below, and some might want to indulge in baser desires.
And some, like Loren, just agree that the Lambs have better food.
He'd found it repulsive at first -- some of the things people on the surface would eat. Some of it still is -- no thank you, Lan, he will not be eating worms (they were grubs). But there's something to be said for a good fish fry, especially one in a village where absolutely no one knows his name (he's Thomas, if anyone's asking).
Chewing thoughtfully on another forkful of fish, Loren pages through a perfectly regular book he has at the table with him, because yes, he's that sort of person. He's otherwise alone, because the entire purpose of coming out here was to be alone, somewhere where no one -- his so-called friends or colleagues alike -- could bother him all that much, just for a few days.
Plus, as he knows from previous visits, they do good food at good prices and don't ask a lot of questions.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
And what does Xantia do on her time off? Whatever she dang well feels like!
Port Rosalia does tend to be high on the frequent visit list, and while that may have something to do with the food being good, its proximity to the Celesti Wastelands is the main reason for it. Xantia lacks solid clues on where to search for Xenia, but the Wastelands are known to be an area that she's returned to on more than one location. Even if chances are slim, the off chance of picking up on a promising rumor is higher here than anywhere else. Good enough reason to check back every now and again.
Fish appeals to Xantia no more or less than any other food (seriously, does she dislike anything?), but it's a natural choice in a port town, and the smell alone often guides her to that part of town when it's time to eat. She'd normally make a beeline straight for the primary goal of Food, ignoring everything else that might be going on in the area. When Xantia is hungry, there are few things that could possibly distract her.
As it turns out, one of those things is spotting a familiar face that fills her with extremely mixed feelings. She sees Loren a mile away, almost as if she were looking for him, but it really is just a complete coincidence that she was looking in that particular direction. When she does, she freezes in her tracks.
'I have to talk to him', is her immediate thought. That's the way she feels, but that's fully because of what she's heard from Lan. She herself... well, she has plenty of reason to not actually want to talk to Loren. She doesn't exactly have any good memories or experiences that involved him. How is she going to handle this?
Same answer as always. She quickly decides to take the blunt and straightforward approach. No reason to deviate from what comes natural just because it's bound to be incredibly awkward, there's no way it wouldn't be no matter what she does. Might as well not even try to pretend, just be honest about it, and don't attempt to ease into it with something she's not good at like smalltalk. Good thing too, because if you thought grubs were bad, you don't want to hear Xantia going on about the time she ate an entire giant sandworm.
There's only one thing she does that isn't entirely direct: she doubles back and goes the long way around, so that she can approach Loren from behind. Just to make sure he doesn't see her until the last second, since she can't exactly expect a great reaction once he does. Other than that, the plan is simple. Just calmly walk up to Loren's table, and take a seat at it. No greeting, no words at all in fact, other than to immediately broach the topic she's here for out of nowhere.
"So I hear you know what amnesia's like."
This... may be the first time that Loren has ever seen Xantia without immediate aggression towards him. Or well, there's still quite a bit of passive aggression going on. Her arms are crossed, and her body language is making it fairly obvious that she has reservations about even attempting this conversation. And while she may not be trying to start a fight, she's as honest about her emotions as always and thus openly glaring at him. As if she's daring him to throw the first punch and give her an excuse to give up on the non-violent approach.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
He's engrossed in his book. He's eating a fish (which, fun fact, isn't something you eat in Solaris -- at least not in this form). Thus, Loren doesn't suspect a thing, as it happens.
Not a thing.
When she appears before him -- taking a seat quickly and quietly enough that he only sees her once she's spoken and he's looked up from his book -- he just about chokes on his fish.
...Wait, he's pounding on his chest and made a grab for his water. He's gulping it down. Maybe he did choke.
Gasping for air and somewhat redfaced, Loren's gaze is a furious one as he stares down his lunchtime interloper. But he's made one mistake already.
This is not a fancy restaurant. It's no dive, sure, but it's not some elite eatery where a paying customer can have someone evicted just for looking at them funny.
Instead, even as he's gotten his questions out-- "What are you doing here? Who even told you--" -- he's approached by one of the waitstaff.
"So, what would your friend like?"
Loren stares at her, nonplussed.
Now's Xantia's chance for a free meal!!
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Now if this was a friend she were surprising, you can bet that there would be an outpouring of concern from Xantia, making sure they were okay after they appeared to be choking on their food. For Loren? Nothing of the sort. She just watches it happen, not looking any less annoyed. How dare he go and choke on his food instead of answering her, rude.
She's unfased by the overt indignance at her presence, too. It was obvious enough that she totally got the drop on him, so she feels safe in the assumption that if there's going to be trouble, it won't be coming from any sudden reinforcements. If it's just Loren himself who wants to make things difficult, well, he can go right ahead as far as she's concerned.
At the very least, her inaction so far proves that Xantia isn't here for the purpose of making trouble for Loren, or she would've done so already. Which isn't to say that she's not going to cause problems inadvertantly. Case in point...
"Oh, I'd like the swordfish, the usual portion! If you have enough of it left for me just that'll fine, otherwise you can add whatever to it. You know me, how much of it there is matters more than what it is!"
That sure was an incredible 180, going from all surly to all smiles as soon as Xantia began addressing the waitstaff. Xantia's portion size is pretty well known around these parts, if Loren isn't then he'll soon find out that she eats enough for three people. It hasn't even occured to her that it might be a free meal though. She was going to order this anyway, what does it matter that she's unexpectedly at a shared table for it?
That done, Xantia turns back to Loren, and it costs her little effort to frown again, although the hostility has faded a little bit due to the promise of food.
"I'm here to eat," she replies simply, "And to talk to you. About amnesia. You do know that I have that, right? I can't imagine that you don't have a file on me. Did you at least give me a cool code name?"
She's already getting sidetracked, this is going great.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
He's still trying to make sense of this situation -- who spilled the beans on him, how Xantia found him, what he's going to do now -- that the extra complication of negotiating with the waitstaff and explaining what's actually happening becomes the one spinning plate that's left to crash perilously onto the floor.
It's happening before he can so much as get a word in edgewise-- Xantia has placed an order! For swordfish!! Even he knows that's expensive!!!
"W-wait," he starts, eyes wide as he pulls out of his paralysis, but the waitstaff has already smiled pleasantly (Xantia must be a regular?!) and turned on a heel to, no doubt, call up the order. Loren, stricken by a sudden panic over what this is going to do to his budget (to say nothing of sharing a meal with someone like her) appears to go rigid in his seat, caught between the impulse to try and fix this and the realization that it is already too late.
"...Swordfish? Really? I'm going to have to report this, you know," he gripes, venting his frustration over his earlier inaction/paralysis. "Ugh. I can't belive it, and on my time off, too... they're going to call me back in for this!"
He pauses. "And that's private," he says, that single phrase likely covering a gamut of potential responses to her flurry of questions. "Who told you that anyway?" he continues, which might narrow it down significantly. He's on the defense now: if he were an animal, perhaps it would be fair to say he'd be a hedgehog -- deliberately prickly. "How do you know they weren't lying? They could have been," he says, pointedly.
There is a long, long pause.
"...How did you find me, anyway?" He's begun to fidget with his fork, agitatedly.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
If that wasn't in the Solarian files yet, that's one more tidbit to add: Xantia just throws money around like it's nothing where it comes to food. She can afford to, when she barely spends it on anything else. That is, if it ever comes to light that she only did what she would have done anyway, and does all the time. Often enough that people know what to expect - of course the local restaurants are keen to remember a decently frequent visitor who eats a lot and doesn't care how much it costs.
Given that she's been frowning at Loren a lot, it may not be entirely clear that now she's doing it because she doesn't understand his weird flailing. She's being serious here, what is he even doing? She just assumes he's complaining about needing to write a report about encountering her here or something, to which she can only shrug. "Sounds like you have problems with Solaris. I think here's where I'm supposed to say 'join the club'? Not that there actually is a Solaris Problems Club, but if there was there'd be a lot of members."
At least she's starting to work out expressions, but she still has a lot of trouble with the meaning of the word 'private'. Using it isn't going to work to dissuade her from anything. She does readily answer the question of who told her, though. She doesn't normally assume anything needs to be kept secret if she's not explicitly told, sooo...
"Lan told me." She pauses a moment before tilting her head slightly. "I don't believe she'd lie about what Solaris did to her, and what happened after between you and her. Seems pretty believable to me, they way you were talking to each other while fighting. So I'm gonna believe her about the amnesia, too."
That's just the facts. Does it make it better or worse that she isn't actively trying to upset Loren with anything she says?
She shrugs, unconcerned and mostly calmed down at this point. "It was just coincidence. But I did want to talk to you about it. Because you know what it's like to have your whole... self be missing. Which means you can understand something about me that few others can, and the other way around. I don't know if you want to talk about that stuff, but I do. I really, really do. That's all I want from you."
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
It is, if in a roundabout way. Xantia's food habits, that is, or at least the part of them that starts and ends with 'capable of putting away a frightning amount of'.
Even Loren, who is almost always hungry (a side effect of a fierce metabolism and Ether specialization), would be a faint candle to the volume other officers have witnessed her down. He, having largely faced her on the battlefield, though...
She says that she thinks he's having Solaris Problems. At this, Loren visibly bristles. "'Solaris problems'?" he repeats, staring her down from across the table. "I don't have problems there. But I'm going to have paperwork problems if you keep this up," he states matter-of-factly, going so far as to touch his fingertips to the bridge of his glasses as if deeply aggrieved.
...Never mind the fact that he's well aware that there are deep-rooted problems in Solarian society -- well, aware now, that is -- that he's not even sure he knows where to start on fixing. But perhaps if he throws his lot in with Commander Ramses...
Of course, that's its own mile-high hurdle. What's he supposed to do, walk into the Commander's office and tell him that he'd like to help reformate their society? ...This would be a lot easier if Kahran Ramses weren't so hot.
"And stop talking about Solaris," he adds. "Someone's going to hear."
It's a pronouncement that might have had more weight if it weren't immediately punctuated by some extremely boisterous singing from the near distance. Sailors don't waste time.
Something by Loren's left eye twitches.
Lan told her, she says, and Loren slouches his shoulders. "Seriously?! Why did she-- I can't even--" he starts and stops, only to make one heck of a face once it dawns on him that he's only confirming what Lan had said.
"...Fine. I lost my memory for a while. Are you happy now," he says to her at last, flatly, as he leans back in his seat. "What else did you want to know, my childhood traumas? Are you making a list?"
...Lan really puts up with a lot, huh.
But Xantia says what she's really after and Loren...
Well, he hesitates, visibly. Yeah. He does remember what it had been like then, even if he sort of wishes he could at least forget that as much as that version of himself had managed to forget the him 'now'.
He regards Xantia almost pensively, as if trying to read whatever might lie behind that expression of hers, to see into the space behind the eyes. "..."
There is a portentous moment of silence.
"...Fine," he sighs, looking away from her. "It's not like you're going to make today worse."
Much worse, at least, a part of him silently adds.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Not the first Solarian operative who would have to write down 'Food Expenses - Xantia' followed by a large number in their report, either. They'll surely understand. And if they don't...
"Oooh, paperwork problems, sounds serious." Zero sympathy from Xantia, clearly. Looks like that's another addendum to the report, 'is actually capable of mild sarcasm under the right circumstances'. See what just being near someone from Solaris is doing to Xantia? It's like she's a totally different person.
Case in point... when Loren shows distress about her mentioning Solaris in public, Xantia shows a kind of smile that isn't often seen from her, a sly one. "Is that a problem for you, too? Oh, that's right... this isn't too far from Guara Bobelo, is it? Might be some people around who know about what happened there, and who was responsible for it. I guess we'd better be careful about what we say then."
But in the end, Xantia is still Xantia, so she follows that up with a little too much cheer, enthusiasm, and honesty. "I read up a little on how blackmail works, how am I doing? Don't worry, I'm just practising, I really do just want to talk a little. Just relax!"
Relaxation may be a bit too much to ask for given the circumstances, but who knows what Xantia thought practising blackmail on Loren would do for his comfort level. By all previous accounts, if Xantia wanted to start trouble she would've done it already, with her fists. Then again, she's not always predictable. Whatever the case, she has no trouble switching to a serious topic with all due seriousness directly after that. Is she happy now?
"Of course I'm not happy to hear about that! I wouldn't wish that sort of thing on my worst enemy." Which, well, Loren isn't specifically, but as Someone From Solaris he kinda is up there, under normal circumstances. Just goes to show how much learning this caused Xantia's attitude to change. Naturally, she takes what follows completely at face value. "...I mean, if you want to talk about your childhood, sure, but I can't remember mine so I can't help you with that."
Right now, she certainly looks like innocence itself. Just confused at why Loren is staring instead of talking. Of course when you really think about it, Xantia couldn't possibly be duplicitous, because she doesn't know what that word means.
And of course, she's all smiles at the final response, regardless of the reason it was given. That doesn't matter, only the 'fine' does. She leans forward with interest, resting her arms on the table. "Good! So then, why don't you start by telling me how it happened? Like, what's the last thing you remember before losing your memory, and the first thing after you did?"
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
It's not that he was expecting sympathy -- especially from the likes of her. Yet, he still seems to wilt ever so slightly, shoulders sagging. "Gee, thanks," Loren tells her, as if put upon. Of course he can recognized sarcasm -- he uses it so much himself!
But talking about Solaris in these parts is dangerous, for reasons he knows well. Yet, it isn't as if he has a lot of options when it comes to travel with just a few days off... even if he'd been involved in a major operation around here.
A few major operations around here, actually. Which only serves to cause him to be that much on edge when she speaks about Guara Bobelo.
"Hey--"
A warning note has crept into his voice. He's sat upright in his seat, well aware of what she's putting down. If he doesn't play along, she might...
Of course, here's when she outright says she's blackmailing him.
Loren looks... dumbfounded. That might be one caption for the portrait his expression paints. Nonplussed would be another.
"...What is wrong with you people," he finally hisses.
...A little exasperated?
But whatever form her actions come in, let it be said that she is still blackmailing him to hell and back by bringing up Guara Bobelo at all.
"...No, I don't want to talk to you about my childhood. Thanks." He's gone so far as to fold his arms across his chest, his fish sadly forgotten. "Anyway, it has nothing to do with this."
But what does?
So tell me, she says. Tell me how it happened.
He's silent, his gaze turned down towards the table. "I encountered the Primarch of Muse, Rahab and... that's what happened. Slowly, at first." He nods, as if to himself. "But over time, I began to forget more and more." Because he'd wanted to forget -- and the element of Muse is so very good at eroding away, taking everything out to sea along with it. With the Primarch's presence wedged into his being, it was simply a matter of him wanting it to wipe his memories away. Subliminally. Unconsciously. However someone wanted to phrase it. "And then I forgot everything."
And of the last thing he recalled and the first thing he remembered?
Loren shakes his head, grimacing. "...I'm not answering that. It's none of your business," he tells Xantia, glancing away. Because it had been traumatic.
And extremely awkward, the more he looked back upon it.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia doesn't even reply with a straight-faced 'you're welcome' when 'thanked' for her sarcasm. That's how you can tell she knew what she was doing. Fear the day when Xantia becomes more skilled at this sort of thing. ...though to be fair, she doesn't actually know how scary paperwork can be. That's never been part of her job - even if she did prove to be surprisingly skilled at it the one time she did paperwork on her own accord.
But that's neither here nor there. Xantia's unique brand of 'pleasant blackmailing' seemed to go over well enough as far as she could tell. Loren seemed pretty impressed! Not having any actual intentions of following through, she's blissfully unaware of how it was actually taken. Though if she did, she wouldn't be sorry. She won't forget what was done in Guara Bobelo. Those responsible should not, either.
But as much as part of her wants to do a Justice Speech the likes of which would dwarf any that she did while training to be a Hero, this is supposed to be a conversation about something else. Something of the utmost importance to Xantia, important enough to leave all else aside for the time being. She no longer interrupts, and (relatively) patiently waits until Loren is ready to speak on it. Then she listens, and her expression rapidly goes from pensive, to surprised, to... is that sympathy? It's definitely sympathy.
"A Primarch..." Xantia starts with a frown, on what's ultimately the easiest part to speak of. "What do those things want? Taking your memory, turning Gwen into fire... and yet, Gwen made it sound like they're mostly just lonely. Can you talk to it, too?"
Not actually what this was about, though. Xantia looks a little annoyed, but then shakes her head and regards Loren with that awful, awful sympathetic expression again. "...To not just forget, but to realize you're forgetting... That sounds like the scariest, most awful thing I can imagine. I'm so sorry that happened to you." Not a trace of sarcasm this time, she's being her normal, genuine self.
Loren won't tell her the rest of what she asked. She can sort of understand. There's one thing that the reaction does tell her. "But you could answer, if you wanted to. That's something. I still can only guess what I was thinking, just before I lost my memories. ...Maybe I should be glad for that, especially if it was gradual, like with you." She'd always just kind of assumed it happened suddenly, who knew there were worse ways.
She folds her hands in front of her. "I remember the first thing though. Smiling faces, of two concerned strangers." Who she can't feel happy talking about now, so she doesn't go into detail. "I hope that it was something like that for you, that you had people to guide and watch over you when you needed it most."
After a moment's thought, she asks her next question. "What about... how it felt? When you realized you'd lost your memories, that there was a whole 'you' that you knew nothing about... how did that make you feel? Will you tell me that?"
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
Loren... hesitates, when she asks what Primarchs want. In his case -- in his experience -- what the Primarchs want is what any person wants. To feel worthwhile. To feel like they have a purpose. To have friends.
Lovers, even.
He had only gotten as far as kissing Anaitis. And that was probably as far as it could ever go. Even being around them would risk a relapse.
"...What anyone else wants, I think," he says, putting (an edited version of) his thoughts to voice. "They're not monsters. They're just..." He stiffens, trailing off as if he realizes he's probably said too much.
Hopefully she won't misunderstand it!
It's strange when people pity him. His self -- a good part of his self, anyway -- recoils whenever he thinks about what it had been like when he'd been coming apart. What he'd done then. And what it had been like after, when he'd forgotten everything.
The pity and sympathy people had shown him. He doesn't want it -- he wants to be strong enough not to need it. He...
...needs it.
His shoulders hunch up even now, when Xantia speaks such similar words. He grimaces as if pained. "...Enough," he mumbles, trying to wall up his very heart again.
He could tell her, though. What had happened just before. What he knew when he woke without any memories. What he remembered first when he got them back again. But part of it's simply not his to story to share. The memory he'd gained back first -- or the one that stood out in his mind first -- had been Lan's, not his.
He shakes his head. "I didn't think much about it. I was..." he starts to say, pausing for a long moment. Loren shakes his head again. "I was... it was like I was a child. It didn't matter to me if I remembered or not. It was someone else, far away from me. But Leah--" He stops dead, tensing his shoulders. It takes him a moment more to breathe out again. "...I'd been keeping a journal and... maybe that had been part of it." But in truth, it hadn't really been his decision.
Being the way he was -- hollowed out, flatted, a complete idiot to the view of his once and present self -- he had been a perfect pliable mess. It's only by the grace of the Emperor that Lan hadn't just ditched him--
But a part of him knew even now that she wouldn't have.
He exhales hard, through his nose. "I wasn't myself," he tells Xantia. "If someone hadn't told me to go and fix it, I'd still be-- like that. Probably." It seems like it's different with her. Like some 'essence' of herself is left behind.
Or maybe he's just imagining that.
"...But it's not like that with you, huh."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"That's the impression I'm starting to get," is Xantia's simple agreement on the nature of Primarchs. "But they sure have a pretty lousy way of showing what they want." She suddenly smiles, and chuckles in private amusement. "It really is pretty similar." She's not going to go into what she means by that, only smiling if asked. Even in her different way of viewing things, she can see that Loren isn't the right person to discuss Id with.
She doesn't insist on Loren saying anything more when he doesn't want to, understanding better than most how difficult this sort of thing can be to talk about. She's already dealt with a number of amnesiacs, besides. Each of them deals with it in their own way. Only when she strongly disagrees with their approach will she comment on it. Nothing wrong with comfort boundaries.
She's visibly surprised at the word 'enough', though. She doesn't say it, but you can just see her thinking 'enough of what?' She doesn't know what prompted that, doesn't think she said or did anything wrong. She was just being nice, that's never wrong. ...even if that tiny voice keeps telling her otherwise, regarding being in any way nice towards a Solarian.
"...Huh," is her initial reaction to how Loren felt about his amnesia while it was going on. She can't at all identify with it not mattering, but she's heard that before from other amnesiacs. What surprises her specially only comes out when Loren leaves an opening for her to interject. "Is that how it is, like a child? I guess that's something you can only tell when you've gotten your memory back, and remember what it's like being one. I have no idea if that was the same." She looks down at the table. "...I wish I had something like a journal, just, anything to tell me who I used to be."
At least she's not focusing on that name unfamiliar to her that slipped in there. Small mercies.
And then she chuckles. Someone had to tell him to care, huh? That sounds familiar. "So you were like Fei, and Lan was like me." She's just assuming it was Lan who pushed him away from just accepting things and towards seeking out his past, that tracks with what she knows.
But was it ever the same for her? Xantia takes a moment to think about that. "I suppose at first, I was mostly grateful for the people helping me, and I only wanted to help them in return. But it wasn't long before I felt this... need to remember. I felt so sure that there was something important I was supposed to do. I couldn't just stay where I was and accept a new life, when I knew that there's something that really mattered to me in my old one. I still can't, not completely, not until I know everything."
Which brings to what, ultimately, she wants to know most of all. She leans forward again, continuing with uncommon gravitas. "You managed to do what I've been trying for almost as long as I can remember. You got your memories back, regained your old self. I don't know you well enough to say if you completely became who you used to be again, but well, obviously you did in some ways. Did you..." She hesitates, briefly averting her eyes. She's a little afraid of the answer to this question. But she absolutely needs to ask it.
"Did you just immediately become who you used to be, after that? Or were you able to choose? Does any of the person you were when you didn't have memories still exist?"
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
He, in his paranoid way of watching and analyzing the outside world for threats, can see that he's surprised her -- and that she, probably, can't right tell what he's meant by 'enough'. But it's also not his problem if she doesn't get what she's done (or something he's about to explain to her properly, given, again, his general paranoia). Instead, he shakes his head and sits up that much straighter in his seat, standing firm in his defense of himself.
"Like a child, or like an idiot," he replies, curt, frowning as if discomfited. That... person he'd been had marveled at just about everything, while being as naive and easily-led as a... as a lamb.
The lower-case is, in this case, important.
"...I had known I was losing my memory at that point, so of course it was easy to start keeping a journal." One that he might have started earlier if he really had wanted to make a difference though -- or not started one in the first place. ...But Lan had suggested it.
He seems, in a moment, to be just that much more on edge. It was true that Lan had... opened the door to the possibility of him trying to. That he'd gone and read his journal at her nudging. Still. She'd been running away with him, hadn't she? At least until she could be certain he could be somewhere safe. But the real reason he'd gone through with the ceremony had been because...
"Something... like that," he answers, looking away from Xantia.
Because Leah Sadalbari had made the choice for him, and he, being who he had become -- that docile, idiotic, joke of a person -- had simply smiled and gone along with it.
But even this is not quite getting at the heart of the one thing that Xantia wants to know more than anything else. And Loren, not being stupid, quite quickly cottons onto why she wants to know it. It's because...
"..."
...she wants to know if who she is now will disappear.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment.
"...I woke up," he tells her. "That person I'd become... it was just me, with everything that made me 'me' scooped out. That person was a blank slate, and then they put the writing back on the board." He glances away. "No. I didn't get to choose. I woke up, and that was that. I remember what I did then, and before that, and even before that. But that 'person' is gone. They can't exist as long as I remember who I am."
Loren leans back in his seat, frowning as if troubled. "...So if you're asking, 'will I remain who I am when I remember everything'... I don't know. Your situation isn't the same as mine." He'd been touched and willingly eroded away by the elemental force of Muse, his psyche dissolved into that eternal sea and only recovered by spiritual flame.
He shakes his head and makes a sound that just might be the ghost of a bitter laugh. "...Doesn't look good, though."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
An idiot, huh. That hardly seems fair. If you just don't know things, through no fault of your own, that doesn't make you stupid. So Xantia thinks, but doesn't say. Not an argument she's interested in having. Besides, she does know what it's like to feel stupid, for not knowing things that everybody else seems to. It took time to get over that - a longer time than Loren lost his memory for, most likely. What she does comment on is the matter of the journal.
"Huh... that makes sense. So not having kept anything like that probably means that I didn't see it coming." She seems to need a moment to think about this. In truth, what she's thinking about is the time where she did write things down about her condition before, but some compulsion was keeping her from showing anyone. It's not impossible that even if she did put something in writing, she was made to get rid of them. There's too much that she doesn't know to really say anything for sure.
She's back to paying attention to Loren's reactions in time to see him looking pretty uncomfortable about something she said. There's more to the story of how he decided to seek out his memories, she can tell that much. As well as the fact that Loren doesn't want to talk about it. Well, that's fine. That's ultimately his business. And not what she was most concerned about. That follows after.
Of course a great deal of her motivation to talk to Loren in the first place was to get an answer to these questions. Whether she's right about having a say in what she wants to do with her regained memories, once she's regained them. Which isn't to say that she wasn't ready to offer her own perspective on things to try and help, Solarian or not.
Every single original intention is forgotten when she's hit with that bombshell, though. She's shocked into silence, covering her mouth with both hands at the description of Loren's circumstances. She'd be lying if she claimed that was out of sympathy. It's fully because it leads credence to her greatest fear.
That 'person' is gone. They can't exist as long as I remember who I am.
If that is true for her, then... that sounds like her ultimate goal would be tantamount to suicide. That quite effectively put a stop to anything that she may have been planning to say. Now she just looks... insecure. The only hope now is, as Loren says, that her situation is different from his. It's the only straw there is to grasp, so she's naturally ready to do so with both hands.
...then Loren says just a little bit too much. That laugh, coupled with that final assertion. That pulls Xantia back. Instantly, and violently, knocking over her chair as she stands up suddenly, pointing a finger in Loren's direction.
"Are you mocking me?! Oh, I see it now, I see what you're doing. You just can't help yourself, can you? Just that natural manipulative nature of you people, gotta keep the -Lambs- docile and under control. You'll say anything to keep me as much like an easily-controlled child, or idiot, for as long as possible!"
She graps her forehead with her right hand, and shakes her head. "This was a stupid idea, what was I thinking? It doesn't matter if similar things happened to us, there's no way we could ever understand each other. I won't be fooled, I won't! I'll... I'll...!"
Just as abruptly as the outburst started, it comes to an end. Xantia's hand slides off her forehead, and she just... stands there. Head bowed slightly, eyes closed, breathing heavy but steadily slowing down. Looks like she needs a moment to calm herself. But what will happen after she does...?
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
He just shrugs. "Who knows? Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe someone took your journal." He was lucky enough that he had someone like Lan looking out for him. If he'd succumbed anywhere else -- if she hadn't been around to pick up the pieces after the fact -- he probably would have been hosed, in several senses of the word. He would have been a strange, pliable young man incapable of saying no. Among most people on the surface, he would have been walking around with a target on his back.
At least if it had happened among his own people, he can have some comfort that he would have been shipped home, if the Major hadn't intervened, that is. And that probably would have been a tolerable enough life, living in the care of his parents' estate until the end.
...It makes him feel sick even thinking about it.
But no. Instead, he'd been told to go through with the ceremony, and that had been that. The person he'd been no longer could exist, because he only existed in the absence of Loren's memory and experiences. So Loren tells her just that, in his own rather matter-of-fact way. He's never had a great bedside manner, but then, he's also been the type to think of 'carefully phrasing a bitter truth' as being the same as lying. Also, there's one other problem at play here.
When everything else is said and done, Loren Voss is... still kind of an asshole, with a rather grim sense of humor. If Lan had been here, she probably would have slapped the taste out of his mouth for a crack like that.
Probably, he must have expected some sort of outburst in reply to a remark like that. He's not a fool. Yet, the expression he wears on his face as Xantia lays into him is dumbfounded as she surges to her feet, and he's quick to similarly rise, gesturing in vain to urge her to keep it down. "Hey-- hey, calm down! Cut it out!" The dull roar in the background has cut out entirely. People are already staring. They must be staring, right--?!
He can't bring himself to look.
Shit, shit, shit. If someone here puts two and two together -- or worse, if someone in the know is present -- he's... not going to have a good time of it. Shit! What's he supposed to do at a time like this?!
"A-- another drink for my friend?" he hazards, in this moment feeling like he's trying to put out a fire with an eyedropper.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Of course people are staring. But that's all that happens for the time being. Nobody seems immediately interested in learning more about whatever it is that's happening here. It's hard to say whether that means there won't be any trouble later, but... for now this seems to be treated as just a public argument.
Which may not do anything to calm Loren's nerves, because who can tell at this point what Xantia would do? Odds are in favor of 'something that won't improve the situation', all things considered. For a time, Loren is on his own, Xantia just standing there in an unnatural pose like some kind of zombie. But when he ventures a poor attempt at defusing the situation, there's a reaction.
"Heh..."
She's smiling. It's not a pleasant smile. It doesn't get any more pleasant when she opens her eyes, staring at Loren in a downright predatory way, as though contemplating something terrible to do to him.
And then she laughs. It actually is pleasant laughter. Just full-blown, mirthful laughter, going on for just long enough to make the situation awkward in a whole different way. It stops as suddenly as it started, Xantia exhaling after the fact. By now, she's straightened her posture and resumed her normal, cheerful bearing, as inappropriate as that may seem to what happened just moments ago. And she just... gives a normal reply to Loren's suggestion.
"Sorry, sorry, I just remembered - I've got somewhere to be. Maybe next time?" And that's that. With a short wave, she turns to leave. All's well that ends well.
Except then, she runs into the waitstaff, returning with a 3-person meal's worth of swordfish, giving her a quizzical look. Without missing a beat, she clarifies, "Oh, sorry, something came up. But the gentleman at my table will be happy to have this in my place, and pay you for the meal. Bye bye now~" And with that, she continues on her way.
See, the difference is that now she made Loren pay for the food knowingly and on purpose. And, more importantly... she isn't actually eating the food first. As if her sudden behaviorial shift wasn't unnatural enough. Is this really still Xantia...?
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
There's an unfortunate fact about Loren's life to this point, and it can be summarized as follows: Loren has been prey far too many times throughout his natural existence. It's an ugly fact, especially for him: an acknowledgement that despite his status as one of the elect, the descendant of the epitome of the chosen of Emperor Cain's people, he has been the one who has been left wanting in far, far too many of his encounters, even among those who should be his...
Well, it's testament to some growth on his part that he doesn't automatically finish the sentence these days. Still, his genetics ought to count for something, and yet, he feels like he's the laughingstock of his entire graduating class, which it should be noted, includes a set of dead and maimed guys and a literal traitor to Solaris.
The fact that his attitude might play as much a role in this as anything else has still gone unnoticed.
So he knows that look on Xantia's face now a little too well. It's the fact that Xantia's making it -- Xantia, until now a nuisance of a problem but never an actual threat (to the specific continued peaceful existence of one Loren Voss that is) -- that leaves him utterly floored.
"What...?" is as much as he gets out in this particular moment, torn between the awful urge to run and the equally despicable one to wipe that smile off her face.
But just like that, she's all laughter and light, turning this situation into an existentially terrible one into one that is just plain... terrible?
Are people still staring? He doesn't want to look, even now.
"What? But your--"
Her food arrives at that moment, and Loren stares at it, then over at the waitstaff, then at the space where Xantia is rapidly no longer occupying. "Wait," he says, though it's already too late for that.
Loren is left both with the distinct sense he's been had and the sense that something is horribly, horribly wrong.
What sort of thing could be so important as to make Xantia forego a meal?
Ugh. He's going to have to file a report after all, isn't he.