View source for 2019-02-21: The Great Apology Tour, pt. 3

*'''Log: The Great Apology Tour, pt. 3'''
*'''Cast:''' [[Character :: Lily Keil]], [[Character :: Xantia]]
*'''Where:''' Great Aveh Desert
*'''Date:''' February 21, 2019
*'''Summary''': ''In the middle of an investigation into a Malevolence-plagued Krosse, Xantia at last feels ready to deliver an apology to the one she feels deserves one most of all: Lily Keil.''

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 ===========================<* Great Aveh Desert *>============================
 
 The heart of the Republic of Aveh is its great desert. The rolling dones and blistering heat here are infamous, and all but the most foolhardy would ever dare to cross it on foot. Most do so via the great rail lines running north to south, east to west, leading as far as Krosse and Adlehyde. The ones who do cross it on foot will find the heat isn't the only danger. Mirages can lead men astray, oases are few, and great and terrible beasts sink beneath the sands until they find their prey.
 
 BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ddOSJ8571M

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
Night in the Great Aveh Desert is cold, naturally--cold, and open, forbidding stretching out and out. ...So naturally, Lily Keil can be found here, isolated. Her campfire still blazes, ringed with red stone, and she sits on a rock, looking down into it; sheltered by an outcropping, she is away from easy sight, Dog curled up nearby dozing as Lily herself seems to think--and work, a notebook open. Her jacket is off; her strange markings are visible, gleaming faintly orange-red, her hair back. 

There are, obviously, tripwires set up at the gaps of her camp, and Lily's staff is in easy reach.
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
Following the journey through her mind, Xantia ran off, though she wasn't unaccounted for for long. She'd turned up at the Yggdrasil soon after, prompting Fei to go there to make sure she was doing alright. Following that, he likely would have passed on that she's mostly fine - most importantly her memory is fine - but she's still pretty upset and in need of a little time to sort herself out.

Even so, while she's been occupied with going around apologizing to various people for what happened, it would be fair to say that so far she's been avoiding the Black Wolves as a whole. The people she's closest to are somehow the most difficult to face after what happened. One of them in particular. Lily would be the main reason for Xantia steering clear of the Wolves for a while. Simply because she wouldn't have known what to say if she happened to run into Lily. What could she say, having done something as horrible as that to someone she cares about? No matter the reaction she got, it would have felt bad. If Lily hated her for it, obviously, but even if she was forgiven outright, that wouldn't have felt good when she couldn't even begin to feel like she deserved to be forgiven.

She thus felt it best to have some time apart, to hopefully make sure that she wouldn't actually fall apart. After all the apology experience she's gained over the past few weeks, perhaps now is the time to apologize to the person who she's felt the greatest need to apologize to.

This is not an unfamiliar situation. Lily camping out in the middle of nowhere, not expecting any visitors, yet about to receive one anyway. It's just like that time on Lunar, right down to Xantia casually bypassing a tripwire in a way that makes it hard to tell if it was just an accident.

She's not exactly trying to be stealthy about it, even if she's approaching Lily from behind. Dog will probably notice her a mile away. ...Does Dog still trust her after the incident in the Dazil market? Either way, Xantia will stop her approach well short, raising her hands moreso in a gesture of not meaning any harm than saying hi.

As usual her expression is easy to read, she's worried about the reaction she's going to get. Or perhaps that should be 'as before' - she was far more difficult to read during the fight. This is far more like the way she used to be, the only obvious change that she still isn't wearing her cloak, leaving the 'jewelry' around her neck clearly visible.

It doesn't appear as if she's about to say anything. Not until she gets a better idea of the reception she can expect.
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
Lily has not sought Xantia out since that happened--sure, she heard... But she of all people is the sort to give people their space, when they need it. If she knew that Xantia was avoiding her in particular... 

Well, how would that have gone? There's no guidebook to make it easier for Xantia from Lily's bearing as she approaches. She steps closer, another unexpected visitor... 

Dog opens her eyes, making a soft noise as she looks up at Lily, who looks back at her without moving. She listens; she hears the approach... 

"Come and sit down," the sorceress says, gesturing to a nearby spot by the fire. Her tone doesn't give any hints either, for that matter--calm, unemotional, casual. A little gruff, but that's normal for her. She hasn't actually turned to look at Xantia yet, just lifting her gaze up towards the stars.
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
It's certainly not an un-Lily-like reaction. Xantia figures that she's been positively identified even without having been looked at, that too seems like Lily. One would think that it's too early to feel any kind of relief, but Xantia feels some measure of it anyway. What she did... it could have ended really badly. If Lily acted less like herself, that would've increased her worries that she caused some kind of permanent harm.

Still without words, Xantia does as instructed, slowly making her way over to the fire, and sitting in the indicated spot. She doesn't immediately look at Lily, just staring into flames. The words just suddenly happen after a moment, unprompted.

"...It was like being in the passenger seat of a vehicle. But being walled into it. Unable to see who's driving, or where you're being taken to. And no matter how you shout, nobody can hear you."

She's had a long time to think about some kind of comparison for her situation back there. It still doesn't feel like it fully encompasses how terrifying the experience was. But it's a start. With that, she finally turns her head to Lily.

"I'm so, so sorry, for what I did to you. I wasn't in control, but... that doesn't make it okay."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
Lily remains silent, at first. She waits for Xantia to talk, looking out to the sky, instead of at her. Dog, on the other hand, tilts her head, keeps large eyes on Xantia, reflecting firelight. Lily's golden eyes pick up some of the flame, too, the same as the lines on her arms gleam with it. And then, Xantia speaks up... 

"Mm," Lily answers, first, to the description. Then comes the apology, and still Lily is silent at first. Her expression isn't stony, precisely--it's just... quiet. 

"...Ordinarily," Lily says, "I'd tell you it doesn't matter. No lasting harm was done, so that's all there is to it." She shakes her head, and her expression grows wry, as she looks into the fire. "...But it always seems to upset the others, when I talk that way." At length, Lily turns her head, looking over Xantia again, studying her expression, looking for... something. 

"...You're right; intent, being caught up in something... They don't undo harm." She pauses. 

"...But hurting each other--learning, finding one another's sharp edges... That's the nature of being friends. So I don't accept." 

Lily looks back to the fire, lifts a hand, waves something off, sets it down again. "That's happened to me, you know. Losing control. So I get it." 

"But the simple truth is that I've seen you enter fugues before; I know full well that you woke up covered in blood, in one of the oldest memories you told me you had--didn't even realize ''that'' much at first... and now I can imagine why. I had ample time to leave if I thought you were too dangerous to know. But I didn't." 

"Because we're friends... and," she admits, "Because I'm interested in your story. In what happened, in how it works... in what was, and what will happen. If I learn more about you, I may understand myself better." 

"You wondered, if you're a destroyer. Well, I wonder it too. And I don't get angry at the fire for burning me. I appreciate your regret..." 

"But it's not going to scare me off, either."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
The most unusual thing about Xantia right now is probably how unexpressive she is. But that's only on the outside. For Lily, it takes little effort to tell how worried, even afraid she is of the reaction she'll get. 'I knew exactly how to cripple you and did just that' is bad enough, but they probably both know it would've ended worse, had the combined efforts of those present not given her enough strength to fight back at just that moment.

And it's true - Xantia could see Lily's normal reaction happening either way, and yes, that would have prompted an objection. Even with the nuance it looks like she's barely holding one in. It matters a great deal to her. What she did, and Lily's well-being in general. It can't just be glossed over. But she's at a loss on how to handle it instead.

Lily's way of handling it is a surprise, and Xantia makes no secret about that with a completely clueless, "Huh?!" To think of hurting friends as part of being friends, that's just so bizarre!

Or it seems that way, at first. But, when she really thinks about it... that's kind of her first instinct in any situation anyway, isn't it? Fighting to make things better. No matter who it is, even if it doesn't feel quite right... she'd likely still do it. It's just that, aware as she is of being unusual, she never thought of that as something that might be normal.

Her surprise turns into embarrassment when Lily lays it all out, and Xantia perhaps for the first time realizes how much about her Lily knows about. It causes a chuckle, even being confronted by things that aren't exactly pleasant memories. A faint smile appears when Lily speaks the word 'friends', and it doesn't go away with any of what follows.

"I don't think anything could scare you away," she affirms frankly with a shake of her head. "When you say it all like that... I don't even know what I was worried about. I guess it's just... a bit difficult for me to understand how you think."

Not that Xantia Logic makes it particularly easy to always be on the same wavelength with anybody to begin with. But it's easy enough to brighten her day, just this much seems to have cheered her right up.

"I'm lucky to have friends like you, I can't imagine most people would think this way. They'd be pretty afraid if someone came running up to them covered in blood!" Spoken from experience. Not a happy memory either, but under the circumstances this doesn't get her down either.

Settling down a little, Xantia subconsciously slides a finger across the top of the choker around her neck, making it obvious where her thoughts are when she agrees, "...I guess we do have more things in common than I thought, huh?" She knows about what appeared there during the fight. She couldn't see it of course, and there's no sign of it now, but she was told about it.
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
Lily takes note of that--of the unusual way Xantia hides her expressions--but indeed she largely relies on other senses. She speaks through, calmly, and at the obvious objection Lily just keeps going, to make clear that that isn't quite how things are. She keeps that same apparent calm, through the confusion... through embarrassment... and through affirmation. 

"You're not the first person to tell me that," Lily admits concerning the way that she thinks. "...And it's true, most people wouldn't think the same way that I do. But I'm not most people." 

A beat, "...It's natural to worry. You worry because you care; the same way that we can hurt each other ''because'' we know one another well enough to know weaknesses. That sort of vulnerability is part of friendship; it's the price, for what we gain." 

"...But I feel the same way about you," she finishes. Then, though--then she can think about the choker again. Her expression shifts slightly, in that thought; she looks to it, and past it, considering. 

"...Yes," Lily agrees, "We do. Unusual Ether; similar markings, some sort of... technology. I was surprised to see that of you, and I still don't know for sure what it means. I don't have a lot of theories about that... yet." 

"But, you know... I think this demeanor suits you better than being as serious as I am."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
"I don't mean that in a bad way," Xantia quickly adds just to make sure that her remark wasn't misunderstood. "Or... about you in particular, really. It's kind of difficult for me to understand how anybody thinks."

Even with as much as she's learned about over the years, she still pretty much always feels like she's missing something about people that other people do notice. It doesn't normally bother her much, but every so often it stands out to her, and it never feels great when it does. This probably explains the faint sense of loneliness she's broadcasting right now.

It passes quickly. She is, after all, with a friend right now, and having that friendship affirmed does wonders to deal with such feelings. "It's still difficult for me to tell when something's natural," she admits frankly, briefly looking away. "Or if not everybody is going to think something's natural. It's all so complicated." With a shrug, the smile requires quickly enough. "I don't mind if learning about stuff makes me vulnerable, though."

Just charge on ahead without much regard for what might happen, that's her preferred way of handling any situation. Getting hurt in the process is fine. It's just when doing that harms people she cares about, that's when it gets distressing. Especially if she feels responsible... or, in this case, unquestionably is directly responsible. It's hard to feel differently, even when the one you hurt doesn't appear very upset about it themselves.

Before actually getting to the matter of what else they have in common, she frowns a bit, wondering out loud, "What do you mean, I'm always serious!" Yes, even now that was completely serious. Not exactly what Lily meant of course, but it's true enough that Xantia is earnest to the point of having made maybe two jokes in as many years.

Getting back to what Lily said earlier though, Xantia now very consciously places her hand on her choker, looking down. "I think that what happened back there... it's all because of this thing. I can't remove it, I don't even know if I should, but... I feel sure that as long as I'm wearing it, what happened before could happen again."

Her eyes turn back to Lily as she continues, "So, I'm going to keep it clearly visible from now on. And if you see anything unusual, anything at all... you should knock me out, just in case."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
"I didn't take it badly," Lily answers, casually reassuring. "...And I can see that. But in this case at least, you're not the only one." Whether that helps loneliness, Lily can't say; but on the matter of something natural, what people think... 

"That's fine; if you can't tell for yourself, then we can help you figure it out." She seems to approve that Xantia doesn't mind the risk, though--or something like it, anyway. It remains true, though; Lily is something of a rock, showing very little distress now. 

But something unusual does happen--Xantia wonders aloud, and Lily laughs back--a low, understated sound, but unquestionable a laugh anyway. "It's fine," she says, and then... hmm. The black-haired woman looks down to Xantia's hand, over the choker again, and keeps watching for a few moments, as if she can divine its secrets visually. 

"...Whatever is going on, I think that it's linked at the least. Maybe..." She looks up to Xantia's face, pauses. "All right. I'll work on some ways I can attempt to do that. I wonder..." 

Lily looks to the sky. "It's going to sound strange, hearing me say this. ...But it might be wise to find some kind of... Ether dampener. I know they're possible, they..." Lily pauses, before saying, "Gebler has access to them." 

That is an uncomfortable point. She moves on from it. 

"But if we could dampen your power, then we could investigate this 'other you' further if she resurfaces again. I think, regardless... Sometime when we're in a position of security, we should try to understand that device. It has markings like mine, so I might be able to work with it... But not now, not when we're alone." Lily then looks down, reaches into her bag at her feet, and pulls out a ration bar, tossing it Xantia's way. It's nothing special, naturally. "We're getting closer--even if we can't get your memories back in the way that we had hoped... We can still learn the truth."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
Though she doesn't react to it verbally, it's easy to tell how happy Xantia is just hearing the words 'we can help you figure it out'. Way back when, she didn't feel like she was doing badly on her own, but now she can't imagine going back to that anymore. She needs that help, and values it to the point of never wanting to lose it. To think that she almost did lose it, by her own hands... well, that's the reason why the happiness takes a nosedive into guilt for a moment. Those emotions are all over the place, she just can't decide on how to feel. Quite the opposite of a rock.

When she notices Lily looking in the choker's direction, Xantia removes her hand from it, quite prepared to cooperate in any sort of investigation. Unfortunately there just isn't much that can be investigated about it. It looks like it could be a metal necklace as easily as it could be a shackle. It doesn't look nor feel magical, and whatever technology is involved isn't readily apparent from looking at it with the naked eye. In the end, the most clear thing that Lily will be able to see in there is her own eyes staring at her, cast back by its reflective black surface.

Whatever might be going on with it, at this point Xantia is fully on board with getting knocked out if it so much as glints in the sun. Anything to keep that from happening again. Well, maybe not anything... she wasn't expecting Lily's suggestion in that regard, and looks supremely uncomfortable by the thought of such a device existing.

"You mean... it would take away my powers?" She looks down at her hands, crackling briefly with electricity when she but thinks about what she can do. She may not be dependant on it like Lily is, but even so... "I... I wouldn't like that." She looks back in Lily's direction, looking like she wants to say more, but unable to put into words how the thought of her powers being taken away makes her feel. But one can imagine, that for someone who often feels like fighting is all she's good for, it would be a lot like losing a crucial part of her identity. Which is difficult enough for her to get a handle on as it is.

She does nod quietly at the notion of trying to investigate the device more in-depth later, she's fine with that. And, as is so often the case, just when she looks down and it looks like nothing's going to be able to cheer her up, all it takes is a bit of food to make it all better. Xantia instantly brightens at the sight of the ration bar, immediately freeing it from the wrapper and tearing into it. It's nothing special, but seeing Xantia eat basically anything makes it look like the most delicious thing in the world.

"That's good," she responds in between bites, "But to be honest, after everything that happened... I think I'd be okay with seeing what a vacation is supposed to be like."

She didn't even begin to understand the notion of vacation back on Lunar. Perhaps now she's more ready to explore that... now that elements have surfaced relating to her past that have proven difficult to process.
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
Lily can predict some of that, now. But she doesn't linger on soft feelings; she elaborates a plan, such as it is, and she avoids trying to investigate the collar--the necklace?--in any depth at the moment; no magic stretched towards it as during that battle, not even a hand stretched out to it. As far as she's concerned, it's potentially volatile, reflection or otherwise. However... 

"Temporarily," Lily corrects, "It would suppress them. I'm not very comfortable with that kind of thing myself, but it may be the best way to study your condition without risking an attack. Don't worry--I wouldn't even suggest trying something permanent along those lines." 

Lily shakes her head--the very idea... Well, it's something she'd rather dismiss. 

Lily had a feeling a bit of food would help, though; Dog, for her part, stirs, looks up at Lily, and the sorceress pulls something to give to her, too. With everything... 

"Vacation. There's a word. Well, maybe you'll get your chance. For now--you're not on your way somewhere, are you? You may as well stay here until morning."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
Xantia doesn't look very reassured even after the word 'temporarily'. That still seems... scary. She makes a soft noise in protest, then suggests the compromise, "Maybe if you knock me out first, so I don't notice..." Gee, the notion of being rendered unconscious sure doesn't bother her the same way, does it? Then again, the scariest part of losing control of herself was being aware of it, perhaps that has something to do with it.

The ration bar is gone in short order, Xantia crunching the wrapper left in her hand by making a fist. "I went here to see you! I don't have anywhere else I need to be. You're looking into something, right? Maybe I can help!" There's a beat, before she looks a bit sheepish. "...Well, maybe I could if there's any fighting or anything like that." Even Great Detective Xantia herself lacks faith in her investigative abilities.

A moment after, she looks to the side, and suddenly becomes entirely calm. Before that, there's one more thing she wants to share, about what happened at that time.

"...You know, back then, it was like... I had my own thoughts, but there were thoughts other than mine who were in control. I couldn't tell what they were thinking exactly. But, I could sort of tell how they felt, sometimes. And, you know... I don't think they actually wanted to kill anybody."

Her head snaps back to Lily, Xantia looking a little surprised at her own words. "Isn't that weird? I mean, I could be wrong. I don't think they were holding back or anything. But... that's what it feels like to me."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
"...Well, it's not something we're settled on," Lily answers. "Just a thought--it seemed a way to handle some of the obvious difficulties, since ordinary restraints wouldn't do much in your case. We can think about how best to investigate later; I'm just considering options." 

"I thought so." That Xantia came to see her, of course. She shakes her head, wry, a moment later. "As a matter of fact," the sorceress says, "I expect violence. The situation in Krosse is ugly--and it's already gotten bad. I won't be looking into it alone... But I'm doing some preliminary scouting along the border, at least." 

But back then--Lily listens, considering. That description... 

"Mm..." Lily reaches up, brushes a lock of hair out of her face as she looks down into the fire. "The one we spoke to in your mind--she only wanted to escape. ...Identifying thoughts, feelings... It isn't easy." 

"So it's unusual, yes, to throw around that kind of power and not want to kill someone--but maybe that itself is a clue. Someone dangerous doesn't have to be malicious--if they're just willing to cause damage in pursuit, that's enough. If you can figure out more about them, I suggest you do."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
Xantia perks up at the notion of impending violence, genuinely happy about being able to lend help in a way she knows she's good at. "Oh, really? Well, then you can count on me! I didn't like having to leave that alone anyway, if it's time to fight I'm ready anytime!" As usual it's questionable how much of the greater picture she understands, but she doesn't lack in motivation to help makes things better, regardless.

When Lily mentions the one they spoke to in her mind, Xantia rubs the back of her head. It's a bit awkward to think about, especially since she can't even begin to make sense of how that all worked, exactly. And yet... "I remember all of that, too. The one you spoke to... that was me, or part of me, I know that much. But I can't be sure about the one who fought you, if that was part of me... or someone else."

Figuring out more about that would certainly help, but when Lily suggests that, Xantia can only shrug helplessly. "I'd like to, but I have no idea how." She pauses, her thoughts automatically drifting to an obvious example. "It's not like Fei and Id, I can't talk to this... me, or them. I can't even tell if they're there. Or... I'm there?" She headshakes, then rubs her forehead. "This is so confusing."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
<poem>
There's something refreshing about a straightforward problem for Lily, too, sometimes. ...Maybe less lately, but, "Sounds good--not yet, but... Soon. We'll have more than enough fighting to deal with, I'm sure. The exercise won't be bad." 

That could've almost been a joke. 

Awkward--fair enough. Lily waits, patiently, as Xantia seems to think about what she's saying... as she confirms something else. At least, tenatively. "Whether that's part of the block on your memory or something different... We'll have to figure that out, too." 

Lily shakes her head. "Don't worry about how, yet. When you can't strike at your enemy, you wait for an opportunity. I'd be surprised if we didn't see anymore from... whoever it was. Whatever is going on. If you're not good at thinking of it..." 

"Then just keep an eye out. We'll figure it out."
</poem>

 <Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
<poem>
Xantia doesn't take it as a joke, unsurprisingly. You can always count on her to see every aspect of a thing that might be good as absolutely good, unless she has particular cause not to. And that's certainly not the case here!

At least that stuff is easy to understand. You punch the bad thing, bad thing goes away. Sure, there might be more going on, but that's what it comes down to, right? Lots simpler than thinking about some kind of world in your head, and also being in your own head, with other people, and talking to them in your head as the version(s) of you in your head. Best to just stick with thinking about the punching, that doesn't hurt nearly as much.

Thankfully Lily concurs, and it only takes being told not to worry about it for Xantia to stop putting effort in trying to figure any of that out. She actually breathes a sigh of relief at that. "Yeah... I'll tell you right away if I notice anything. I won't let it be like last time, when once I wanted to tell you something was wrong, I couldn't anymore." Just how long did she not have full control over her own will for?

With that, she stands up, the wrapper still clutched in her hand as she makes a fist. "Let's worry about Krosse first, then! It's the heroic thing to do!" Because that's still important. That's more important than ever.
</poem>

[[Category:Logs]]
[[Category:Chapter 1]]
[[Category:Chapter 1, Epilogue]]