2024-05-24: It Feels Colder When You Leave
- Log: It Feels Colder When You Leave
- Cast: Azoth, Xantia
- Where: Viridian City - Pokemon Center
- Date: May 24, 2024
- Summary: Following The incident at the Ruins of Lahan, Xantia regains consciousness at Viridian's Pokemon Center, finding Azoth waiting by her side. Taking comfort in his presence, Xantia does her best to explain what happened from her perspective, as Azoth fills in the blanks of her memory of the events. Regardless of what happened, the two reaffirm their intent to follow the path they have chosen, together.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
With the portal to Nede not a far cry from the Lahan ruins, it made more sense to take Xantia there than to wander back out into the wastelands. Not only that, but Nede had superior technology, if any complications occurred... not that Azoth didn't trust Lily and Citan to have stabilized her. But even so, it was a safe place for rest. And a neutral place.
The Nedians at the Pokemon Center were kind enough to allow the use of a small, simple room for such a purpose, with a Chansey to come by now and again for basic check ups and fresh flowers to add extra color. Viridian City was a thankfully slow place for people in urgent need of medical care... it wasn't particularly dangerous (possibility of Ten Wise Men attacks notwithstanding) for trainers on their journeys, nor with particularly aggressive wild Pokemon around the area.
Azoth wishes he could say he was by her beside the entire time, but that's not how the overrides work.
Instead, he was in and out. Back and forth. Calculating new data, searching new leads, and having to grapple with loopholes and excuses to come back as often as he could with increasing frustration every time his leash is yanked.
It's with effort he wrestles his way back to Viridian again to be by Xantia's bedside, there to hold onto her hand and hoping that honors that request she had for him before collapsing.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Following the pattern of previous incidents in which Xantia lost control of herself, the general conclusion reached by doctors upon examining her is one which is simultaneously hopeful and frustrating. Hopeful, because there doesn't appear to be anything seriously wrong with her, aside from extreme fatigue. Frustrating, because nobody who saw what happened back there could believe that there really isn't anything wrong with her. Without any visible cause to guard against, what could be done to prevent this from happening again and again?
It isn't particularly strange for her to be fatigued after all that, of course. She'd employed a massive amount of Ether to fortify herself, rendering herself nigh-impervious. It prevented serious injury even from the combined efforts of everyone she fought, but such a thing would absolutely require an extreme effort. Putting aside how abnormal it is to be capable of it to begin with. Not to mention that, given the reports of 'Demon' sightings, she'd been exerting herself like that for an entire week.
Viewed logically, or as logically as possible given the circumstances, it thus isn't so odd that she would remain out cold for several days. It would be difficult to predict when she would remain consciousness, so all that could be done in the mean time is to keep her under close watch. Even when Azoth or others close to Xantia, couldn't be present, Pokemon Center staff could be counted on for that much - human and Pokemon alike.
Of course, the biggest question would be... what would Xantia be like, once she did wake up? Alarmingly, her bracers as well as her collar have proven capable of extremely rapid self-repair, and by now are as pristine as if they'd never been as catastrophically damaged as they had been in the fight. Not only that, there is no obvious way to remove them. What if, upon her awakening, all this were to start all over again? For that reason, also, it is wise for Azoth to check in whenever able.
So far, there has been no reaction from Xantia whatsoever. No signs that visual or any other data could detect that she's noticed Azoth's presence at all. She's simply appeared to be calmly sleeping. Today, too, appeared to be no different, thus far.
And so, it may be a bit of a shock when, out of nowhere, Xantia abruptly sits up, eyes wide open. She appears confused for only a moment, before she turns her quizzical expression on the one next to her. "Azoth...?"
This may be have been a concern also, but: she remembers, thankfully. Even if she clearly isn't sure how she got here. If she's realized her hand is being held, she doesn't appear to have an objection to it remaining where it is.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth does worry despite the logic of Xantia's exhaustion. If they'd found her sooner, or stopped her differently, or any number of things. He wonders about her bracers, too, but trying to remove those already proved fruitless at the end of battle. Logically, it does nothing to dwell and ask... not unless one expects it could happen again.
And that's what he's afraid of, at the end of everything. More so that he won't have an answer for Xantia if she's afraid of that very same thing. What he isn't afraid of is who Xantia will be when she wakes. She will be Xantia. Even if that Xantia wants, or needs, to fight. ...Nede may appreciate that a little less than he does, however.
But that isn't the main reason he tries to be there. It isn't why he feels rage in his steel each time these intrusions upon his programming take hold. Yet every time he comes back, she's still asleep. He doesn't know if he's glad for that or not. She needs rest. She'll want to be up to experience the world. He wants to be there for her when she gets up.
By luck, he is, despite everything. Or maybe because he didn't give up on trying to be there, over and over. Maybe Xantia IS always right about these things, in the end.
She is up so abruptly that Azoth has to review in his data if this is even happening, delaying his reaction as he stares. Should she even be moving that fast right now...?! But then it doesn't matter if her next move would be to smash him in the face with an Ether hammer made of lightning: Azoth smiles at her brightly, then allows his expression to sober with relief.
"Me," he confirms, playful against the heaviness of the moment. "Try to take it slow... you've been out for a while."
He wants so badly to know what else she remembers, but that's not a question to ask within minutes of her finally waking.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
The good news is that Xantia doesn't immediately go for an Ether-constructed hammer or anything of the sort. And she certainly doesn't appear to be anybody but Xantia. She did, however, get up a little bit too abruptly, which shows in the grimace after being told she's been out for a while. As if her condition only hit here right then, she moves her free hand to her forehead, rubbing it for a moment.
"...How long?" is the obvious first question she has. Although the answer to that may be complicated in short order. When she lowers her hand and regards Azoth again - she appears calm, at least - the extent of the issue at hand immediately becomes clear.
"I remember... attacking Gryndille with you. And then, suddenly... I was still looking at you, but it was somewhere else. I felt so tired, it hurt all over..."
Those times when Xantia lost control before, she didn't appear to remember what she did, exactly. But those were just short moments. Now, it appears as if that entire time is a blank for her. And so it's not strange for her to wonder, "What... was I doing?"
Just then, she too breaks the heaviness of the moment, if not exactly by choice. It comes in the form of a long, drawn out noise from Xantia's stomach, loud enough to make even her look embarrassed about it. "I, uh... it must have been a while since I ate. I'm very, very hungry... cold, too." Which already tells her a lot about what she must have been doing. She's only ever this hungry and cold when she overdoes it on expending Ether.
Her eyes drift towards their joined hands, perhaps consciously taking notices of that for the first time. In spite of everything, she manages a little smile, and squeezes Azoth's hand, confirming the gesture was appreciated.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth's expression falls, more grim as Xantia explains. He doesn't know if that's the right face to make: if it prepares her for an explanation that may be daunting, or if it only makes her more worried.
She squeezes his hand. Somehow it's always Xantia reassuring him, even in a time like this. If he were able to laugh, he would at the way her stomach growls. It's a good sign, though. A relief that it's Xantia with her usual Xantia wants and needs.
"Sorry. I stopped having food ready after the first couple of days... Figured you wouldn't want so much of it wasted. I can get you something. And an extra blanket, if you want."
But Xantia doesn't remember any of it. It's... not surprisingly, logically speaking, or following the pattern of these harrowing incidents. She so often didn't remember herself when she fell into such states of violence. But Azoth always chooses to be honest with Xantia, because Xantia asks for very little, but one thing she has always been clear on is wanting the truth where her memories go missing, and the pain of it when others decide what it is she should and shouldn't get to know.
"...It's been longer for you than I realized," Azoth admits. His gaze flits to her bracers. "You synchronized with your ARMs and... you've been fighting for a long time. A week of it -- the war, both sides, any fight you could find, I think -- and a week resting after we found you. Me. The Black Wolves. Gwen. Dean. Miss Ida. Miss Clarine. Ethius. You did fight us, but everyone's okay." Everyone survived, is what he means. Xantia made them work for it. "We were all more worried about you."
Others though, the soldiers... Azoth cannot say, and did not try to estimate a count for them.
"We're in Viridian City now. ...Just cold and hungry? It doesn't hurt anywhere...?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Despite everything, it's still Xantia. As evidenced by how concerned she looks by the mere notion of wasted food. "No, of course not... I wasn't expecting you to have any ready. I--" Was probably out cold with no one knowing when I would wake up. That's been the pattern when things like this happened. Kind of depressing that there is a pattern like that at all. She therefore elects not to finish that thought and move on, following a shake of her head.
"Well, I do really want some food, and an extra blanket does sound nice, but... in a bit, okay? Right now, I'd rather have you here, with me. Your hand is plenty warm already."
Factually incorrect, and yet Xantia is not lying.
What's also true is that she wouldn't want to be spared the knowledge, especially not when she asked for it herself. She'd be lying if she claimed it wasn't upsetting, but... sadly this pattern too is familiar enough for her to get somewhat used to it. It all doesn't come as a shock in the way it used to. Even her friends... as long as they're okay, she knows that will work itself out. She knows them well enough to realize that, even if she were to apologize, they're just going to wave it off. It's not exactly an understanding that she'd have wanted to have, but... at a time like this, it's comforting to know that there are people out there who will stick by her, no matter what. Azoth being a particularly shining example of that, aware as Xantia is of the many hoops he must have jumped through to manage to spend time at her side like this.
The explanation itself, however... something about that feels different. She doesn't remember, as such, but as Azoth speaks, there is still a strange sort of familiarity regarding what he's saying. She lowers her head and furrows her brow in thought, before she replies.
"I... felt empty. Not, the usual sense of not having memories, just... just nothing. Hollowness." She raises her eyes back to regard Azoth. "I can't explain it, but I think... while I don't remember the events, exactly, I remember my feelings at the time. The feeling that there wasn't a point to anything."
She grimaces again, and Azoth asks a fair question. "It hurts a little in my head, when I try to think about things... but, other than that." She shrugs. "Just cold and hungry. And tired. It sure doesn't feel like I've been fighting for that long..."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Yeah, Azoth's been scolded enough for wasting food before. (It wasn't even that much of a scold!) But even that concern is good to see now, after everything. This part of Xantia... Azoth fought to make sure it would not be lost, and is glad it hasn't been. But Xantia surprises him by delaying the desire for more food. He blinks once, wide eyed, but falls back into a smile and nods.
"... All right."
He looks to their hands, well aware the heat of his core rarely reaching his hand and fingers. Instead, he runs some junk processes on another partition to raise his own core temperature, some of the warmth gently wafting out as if he were a personal space heater. He takes his robot wins where he can.
But the explanation of where Xantia's been is a difficult one to soften. Emptiness... Azoth frowns with an understanding kind of face -- the kind that knows exactly what she means.
"You wouldn't be the first to fell that way," he offers. "Do you still feel it now? You said you weren't happy... That you weren't ever meant to be."
Azoth looks down. They're both weapons, the two of them. He knew that about himself from the start, but Xantia... He was hoping her history was something quite a bit different, for her sake.
"... You don't have to think about it if it hurts though. But... if any of that hollowness is a part of how you feel, I don't want it to go unanswered."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
That may be the one thing that hasn't been like Xantia: putting anything above food, especially when she's as hungry as she is now. Still, this is her choice. In the end, it's all about comfort, and this is how she feels the most comfortable at the current moment in time. She seems to enjoy Azoth's reaction to it too, smiling and squeezing his hand again as if sensing doubt that it's as warm as she experiences it.
It helps more than she could articulate in having to come to terms with another one of these incidents. Longer than before, with less of a memory gap than before... though it's a bizarre disconnect to recall the feelings accompanying an event without recalling the event itself.
And there is silence, in response to that question. Does she still feel it now? That should have been easy to answer, and yet... there's a surface answer, but is there a deeper answer? She wouldn't have questioned that before. It's hard to be completely certain, now.
Azoth gives her an out, as it were, prompting her to shake her head. "It's alright. I guess it's just... more complicated than I thought. I don't feel different from before, but I remembering feeling different. Kind of." She lets out an unamused chuckle. "Well, it's always been hard to be completely sure of anything. I guess now, especially, I should take some time to put my thoughts in order."
She closes her eyes for a short moment, taking a deep breath. She looks more steady, after that, meeting Azoth's gaze with renewed determination. "But, since you're asking now, here's what I can tell you. This doesn't change anything. I still... want what I want. Also, there's something I'm more sure about than ever, now. There's no 'other me'. Only 'the me that I've forgotten'. So, whatever I may have said back there... that was still me. What I felt then is how I must have felt, at some point. Even if they're more memories of feelings than actual feelings I'm having right now... they're still a part of me. I need to accept that like any other part I discover."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
There's memories, and there's feelings about memories, and Azoth knows all too well what it's like to have one without the other, both ways. As an entity who tends to know exactly the logical explanation for his own emotions, not having the memory data that can explain why is haunting. But even without that trait, it's clearly the same disorienting disconnect...
In the silence, Azoth keeps quiet, allowing Xantia all the time she might need to process everything that was. It's weeks worth of missing but not missing memories. Experimentally, he gives his own squeeze back on her hand this time.
"Take as long as you need," he says aloud. "It doesn't all have to be today."
He'll be here for more than today, if and when he can, he means to say.
The answer she does have today makes him smile again.
"Then nothing has to change. You should be allowed to have all of yourself. Past and future. Every feeling involved in then and now... it's all an important part of 'Xantia'. I wouldn't see you denied any of it."
He glances down briefly, then up again to meet that determination with softness.
"And since you can't remember, I'll repeat myself. Well, paraphrased: however unintended our happiness is... the you of now showed me that the impossible can be made possible. Even that. Whatever feelings lurk in the past... that truth won't change for you, either."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's something that Xantia had to learn, that it didn't all have to be today. That she should take her time to process things and not try to pursue too much too quickly. Without pacing, things could have gone much worse, much more quickly. Even so, at times like this... it's hard not to doubt whether she'll ever be fully prepared for what she'll discover.
She smiles though, at that squeeze, and promises, "I'll think it over in more detail later... when I'm feeling a little better." When she's eaten, and is better rested, in other words. Xantia being Xantia, no matter what happens, she's always going to be in a hurry to get back to her feet. It goes without saying, but she does say something about that, this time.
"I can't let this get in the way of things too much, though. Can't just lie around when everyone's preparing to deal with the Ten Wise Men. I have to prepare properly, too." By which she means challenging the Four Fields, of course. Which naturally leads her mind to, "I need to pick up my Pokemon too, I kept them waiting way too long." Even if she's silently thankful that they weren't there to see her like that. ...Well, she's pretty sure Shoo's seen her like that before, she's only worried about what the other two think. Because she'll probably never entirely understand how Shoo thinks.
Azoth understands and accepts the reasoning she does manage to arrive at, though. Even if the feeling is very much mutual in that she wouldn't wish any sort of similar situation on anybody, it remains a source of great comfort all the same. And she agrees, "That's right. There's no use worrying about what was 'meant' to be. It's normal to seek happiness, in whichever ways you can. And the past... the past is just data, right? You can save it with the other data, you don't have to overwrite anything."
She enjoys trying to phrase things in a way she thinks would make the most sense to Azoth. In fact, she enjoys just simply being here with him. If you can find enjoyment in such things regardless of circumstances, that's what happiness is, isn't it? However she may have felt back then, it feels like an awfully meaningless thing to worry about right now.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth gives these... gentle suggestions, perhaps they're best called, precisely because he knows Xantia's inclination will be to dive back into everything once she's able. He can't really deny her that, either. Or stop her even if he meant to. What logic is there in trying to prepare for an unknown that must be faced head on, anyway?
But he's glad for the moment of reprieve that gets to take place in the here and now.
"Hey, rest is part of preparing. So don't be afraid to take a little bit of it. But... I think your Pokemon will be happy to see you. And everyone else will be glad to have you back on your feet."
It's just as Miss Sharon said. Xantia is loved.
Mentioning the past as data has Azoth brighten visibly, eyes adopting an extra glow, as Xantia's attempts to put it in his own words hit perhaps exactly as intended. "Right, exactly! And once all the data gets gathered together instead of being divided apart... that's when we can determine what we want to do with it, and who we are because of it."
He used to be so afraid of it before he met Xantia. Now it's become an important thought to him: that who they once were still deserved to exist, no matter how empty they may have felt. No part of them should be cut out and discarded for someone else's benefit.
"...You've... taught me a lot about happiness," he says after a moment of quiet hesitation. "So it's only right if I remind you, if you ever need me to."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"I'll rest, I'll rest," Xantia is quick to offer as perhaps reassurance, knowing full well how she is and how others will expect her to be. Doesn't say anything about how long she will, of course, only that she acknowledges that the need for it is there.
She brightens as Azoth does, enjoying the effect that she meant to inspire. And the acknowledgement of hope, a very important element in all of this. "Well... no matter who I used to be, who I am now happens to think happiness is very important. I don't deserve all the credit, though. I had to learn what happiness is from others, too. It's something I don't think you ever stop learning new things about. There's a lot more things that make me happy than I ever thought possible, way back when." That was a simpler time, certainly. But not strictly a better time.
Perhaps she's learning more about it right now. It's hard to imagine that she'd delay food this long for any reason. But she still doesn't want to tell Azoth to go. And yet, in spite of that... a thought comes to mind, of something that must happen, and Azoth may be able to assist with.
"Say, uh. If you could do me one more favor, in addition to the ones you were gonna do me already... afterwards, could you contact Lily and Citan for me, let them know I'm awake?" She chuckles sheepishly. "That way I won't have to get out of bed before the doctors say I can." She could just wait, but she hates that, better to know that things are actively in motion.
There's another squeeze though, as she yet feels the need to reiterate, "Doesn't have to be just yet, though. You could stick around a bit longer. As much as I'd like that blanket, I think I'll feel colder when you leave..." What a dilemma.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth gives Xantia a puppy-eyed look as she reassures him, hoping that might make the estimated time of resting a little longer than it might be otherwise. Of course, Xantia's power is that she brightens him back up again in spite of... well, quite a bit of things.
"It's fascinating, isn't it?" he muses along with her. "Maybe it's the being a machine thing, but learning itself is also a kind of happiness..." He smiles more softly at Xantia. "You really have quite the enthusiasm for life."
Something she had the chance to learn now, whatever she may have been through back then. There's an ache in it, though. The 'Xantia' of before who felt empty and unable to be happy... Perhaps it's selfishness on his part to want to encourage her memories so that, one day, there's no part of her that feels hollow and hopeless.
When she asks for a favor, Azoth straightens, alert and attentive, and nods quickly. Another point for resting at least a little bit...! He's about to answer when the squeeze gives him pause. This time, he returns it in time with her. It's like struggling to learn hugs all over again.
"...Then I'll wait a bit before I get them," he promises.
Azoth thinks he might feel colder when he leaves, too.