2020-11-19: The World Is Quiet Here
- Log: The World Is Quiet Here
- Cast: Yuna, Rikku
- Where: The Calm Lands
- Date: November 19, 2020
- Summary: One night, not long after the pilgrimage has arrived in the Calm Lands for the first time, Yuna and Rikku have a long-overdue heart-to-heart.
==============================<* The Calm Lands *>============================== The Calm Lands are an expanse of wide plains, bordered on the north by a massive ravine - The Scar - which was formed when Lady Yunalesca fought and overcame Sin for the first time. The Calm Lands are truly massive, but almost entirely uninhabited - which is why most Summoners have followed Yunalesca's example, and taken to this area to fight their own final battle as well. The centre of the Calm Lands features a small shop that rents chocobos, which allow for a much easier traversal of the area. When asked why they don't station chocobos at the /border/ of the Calm Lands, the owner typically replies: 'Because by the time you make it here, we know you'll /really/ want one.' Fair point. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HowvEJNt5wg&ab_channel=Ultimatefighter343
<Pose Tracker> Yuna has posed. <SoundTracker> Aerith's Theme (Calm Lands @ Night) - FF7R - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdsJ9nczMuA
The world is quiet here...
At night, the Calm Lands' sky enjoys more stars than almost anywhere else in Spira. Considering how sparsely populated much of the archipelago is, that's really saying something, but it's still true. Even the flickering torches of Besaid are significant light pollution, compared to... this.
Compared to being surrounded in every direction by an ocean of grass. At night, it's almost louder than it is during the day; the occasional pop of breeze rustles every soft blade of grass almost individually, and there's also the symphony of life sung collectively by crickets and grasshoppers and a dozen other tiny creatures no Spiran has had the time and peace to be entomologist-slash-etymologist enough to name.
And the sky above is even more vast... vast, and almost purple in its blackness, spots of unexpected vibrancy and color which suggest endless, infinite galaxies just out of reach of a more everyday eye. Closer than that, of course, are the more ordinary Spiran constellations, extraordinary only in their collective brightness. And closer still hangs the Blue Star, beautiful but no longer so strange, so unfamiliar.
Underneath all of these sits Yuna. She has widened her field of vision by sitting at the middle of a curious, almost crop-circle-like shape, where the nearly person-high plains yield to shorter scrub. Heedless of the dirt, she kneels comfortably at its center, head so far back that it almost touches her shoulder, almost turns her beaded strand into a beaded loop.
The endless ecstacies of the heavens swirl overhead, replicated twice, blue and green, in the shining of her eyes.
<Pose Tracker> Rikku has posed.
Rikku's spent half of the evening taking inventory because she's avoiding a conversation. Though it's about the fourth time that she's done that that she realizes she should stop doing that. Not the counting and recounting, but using it as a substitute for facing up to what's really on her mind.
And just like that, there's the soft crunch of grass breaking up the breeze. The girl making the footsteps can be quiet when she wants to be.
Right now though, she doesn't want to be. She wants to be heard. When she reaches the edge of where grass meets dirt of that crop circle like clearing though, her eyes linger on Yuna. Before they trace up towards the sky and clears her throat to make certain she's not in fact sneaking up on Yuna - if she's meditating.
Rikku has both of her hands at the small of her back right now, rocking forward onto her toes as if that fractional gain in height might make her closer to it. "It's funny isn't it? That we've crossed that... never would have imagined that before. I just saw it as light to navigate by. Now it feels like... a beautiful ocean that's a bit harder to cross. Which... makes everywhere that can see it kind of like its shore."
Certainly it's not an uncomplicated analogy, especially for residents of Spira. The ocean can herald beauty, but it can also herald death. Crossing the one she's referring to alone was a strange ordeal below Macalania, and another through a weird gate to make it back.
Once whe finishes making it though, she unlaces one hand from behind her back and raises it. Her expression mildly sheepish. "Don't suppose you'd mind some company on this shore?"
She doesn't expect that Yuna would refuse, even if she weren't up to the conversation. Which makes her feel a bit guilty in that respect. Still she asks, because that's all she can do.
<Pose Tracker> Yuna has posed.
If Yuna was doing something like meditating, it must have been a very light trance, but it's more likely that she wasn't. Because by the time Rikku comes into view, her cousin is already looking in her direction, waiting for her to emerge. Shaking out the crick in her neck ruffles her hairdo, ever so slightly more asymmetrical than it used to be.
She was smiling, but it fades a bit when she sees the way that Rikku's walking, hands behind her, rocking back and forth. Then the stars in her eyes have to share space with a little worry. She doesn't vocalize it, though, listening to the Al Bhed's spiel, and culminating query, with an unquestioning patience of her own. And a silent agreement, that hovers in the wings, ready to return her good mood to full force if it seems to be indicated... as to the beauty all around them.
"I'd like your company very much," she replies softly -- and in earnest -- once it's her turn to speak. If anything she's downright firm on this point, projecting calm as though hopeful that that she might be able to share it directly.
<Pose Tracker> Rikku has posed.
It's funny how the simplest things makes one more brave. In this case perhaps it is Yuna's firmness on liking her company, wanting her company. "Alright. I'm coming in!" Rikku enthuses with a smile, as if indeed she were about to step on some wet sand and dip her toes in water.
Of course that doesn't happen. Instead she passes by the last of the tall grass and now there's nothing to hide her as she steps towards the middle of the circle, and sits down beside Yuna - having no care about the dirt either.
Extending her legs out from her green dolphin shorts, she rests her hands on top of it. "Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm." It's one step removed from babbling. More the repetition of sounds. Like she's urging herself to go forward.
"So... I've been wracking my head ever since we got separated... about what I'd say the next time the two of us were able to talk alone. And I never quite figured it out. So... I'm just gonna go for it."
Rikku takes a deep breath, and then just says it, "I'm... sorry Yunie. Not just for what happened to you because I wasn't paying attention even though I am for that too..."
She seems to start babbling it out, but then before it becomes actually complete stream of consciousness reins it in, "...but... because... the last time we spoke I wasn't really respecting your feelings... about the decision you made... or even really considering your happiness. I just... I wanted you to abandon your pilgrimage so badly that I kept... I don't know, badgering you to consider a different life..."
Rikku dares to peek at Yuna out of the side of her periphery, she hasn't really been making eye contact. "And... that's not the only time either. I think... I think I was putting my desire to get time... to get to know you, over things that are really important to you. And that because of that... I think I lost sight of what I really wanted... and denied myself time to actually get closer to you before..."
Before we reach Zanarkand.
Before you fight Sin.
Rikku doesn't say either thing though, though she doesn't need to. Such things are implicit
"... And... while I don't have to give up on trying to figure out a different way to beat Sin before then... I need to actually start giving what you want for your life... my full support."
Closing her eyes, she takes a moment, trying her hardest not to allow her eyes to tear up, and instead just leaves a faint smile on her face.
"Not just as your Guardian... but as your Cousin too."
<Pose Tracker> Yuna has posed.
Heedless of the wrinkling this will cause her skirt, Yuna scoots over to give Rikku enough room to also sit at the true center of the great circle. Not that it should matter. It's all just the same dirt, beneath the same sky. And the view isn't better a couple feet to the left than she might have been otherwise.
It could be a little bit sad, Yuna so accustomed to making room for other people that she does so on reflex even when it isn't necessary. It might be some children's alchemy, like not stepping on cracks in the road. Or it could be deeply sentimental, a silent gesture to ensure their equality within the circumference of this space -- to let Rikku all the way in, to the deepest part, with her.
Maybe it's all of those and none. Maybe she just did it and thinks nothing of it at all.
But she doesn't think nothing of Rikku.
She listens quietly but completely, as is her way. Rikku may look away but Yuna doesn't at all, Yuna is staring straight at her from the start -- Yuna knew she was upset about something before she even said a word. For RIKKU to be nervous about talking to Yuna breaks her heart. For her to APOLOGIZE... breaks the pieces into pieces.
That apology puts a little crinkle in her forehead that doesn't go away, and a tiny dismayed 'oh' buds her lips and stays also. But though she may be troubled, she isn't at all angry, and -- cognizant of her cousin's worries, which infect her more and more with every passing second and every stammered word -- she hastens to show support.
Reaching across the scant space between their legs, she takes one of Rikku's hands in hers. Their fingers thread together, interlocking perfectly, like they were made for each other. Their palms may have lived very separate lives, but they're a lot more similar than they are different, even with Rikku's engineering calluses and Yuna's healing scar.
She waits until she's sure the other girl is done, and until she's sure that the other girl is looking at her. That smile Rikku's smiling, she knows it as well as her own face. Maybe it's just punishment for all the times she's put it on for her, for all of them. It hurts to see.
"Rikku..."
She squeezes her hand.
"Please don't apologize... for any of that. You've never... not ever... done anything but make me proud to be your cousin."
Her voice wavers, tightening with one last unspoken grief. "And now, because of me, you have a lot fewer cousins to lose..."
She hasn't told anyone this.
"...I...I let Seymour take me. From Home, to Bevelle. I went quietly... in exchange for him... leaving quietly. But... he didn't. And I wasn't able... to protect them, to protect anyone."
Dona, Isaaru, and their Guardians might disagree, but that's another matter. Yuna still hasn't even seen them yet. She doesn't know that they're alive. And on some level the racism, the persecution implied by their being spared while the others were slaughtered, will make it even worse.
A tear, shimmering in the light of the Blue Star, escapes her eye, tracks down her cheek. Yuna doesn't try to stop it. Maybe it will give Rikku permission too.
<Pose Tracker> Rikku has posed.
Rikku offers no resistance to Yuna taking her hand, though her eyes flutter open in surprise. After a moment though, the hand starts curling across Yuna's, as she shifts her fingers at Yuna's guidance into that interlock as they find that union... despite their differences.
It did the trick though, Rikku's eyes are wide open. And given her best efforts there's only the faintest shimmer in the starlight - and the blue of Gaia above.
It paints her spiraled irises inside of her green eyes with a hue of blue light such that it feels like an actual ocean surface. Yuna squeezes her hand, and for a moment Rikku isn't squeezing back because she's dumbfounded by Yuna's words.
"But..."
She doesn't finish. Whatever assumptions she made about what she needed to protest, falls away. Because of what Yuna says.
Rikku inhales a breath. She was always looking on the bright side from that day on, to distract from the pain of what happened.
And that bright side was always Yuna.
To hear Yuna crying over this... well, it breaks her heart. It shouldn't surprise her, given Yuna's big heart, but nevertheless it does. Perhaps she's so used to the whole world considering the Al Bhed less valuable than everyone else that she'd subconsciously allowed herself to feel that everyone else would too. Even if it makes no sense.
The Al Bhed were a family Yuna never truly got to know. And that fact makes her sad, as much as it is angry.
"N-No... no Yunie..." Rikku's voice cracks in her response, as she sees the tear, "...t-that's not your..." And perhaps that was all she needed, because then her eyes prove to be more than capable of simply reflecting a blue-green color of the ocean, but containing one as well.
Rikku suddenly leans forward, as if on impulse, and puts her other hand on Yuna's shoulder. "Yunie... Keyakku..." There's a pause, and it's clear that the name is especially painful for her right now, as if he were simply encompassing the one person important to her that she KNOWS is dead, having not even sorted through others...
"...and the others. They made it their job to protect you. They forced that upon you. They were all ready to die for you and the other Summoners. Don't... please don't blame yourself for trying to protect them. That it didn't work? That's not on you - that's on him."
Rikku inhales through her nostrils, and now the tears are indeed trailing down her cheeks, as she forces herself to keep eye contact with Yuna's eyes, "And you heard him right? He wants to kill everyone - to become Sin. How could you have ever predicted that? It's... too horrible to even think about. You couldn't have known he'd go back on what he said..."
She forces herself to stop on this line of thought. Because HE isn't important she realizes. It's Yuna's feelings on the matter, "The point is... all of them knew. They knew what we were getting into with our plan to save Summoners. What it could cost us. And it was a price they were all gladly willing to pay. It..." Rikku sniffs, but she keeps her best smile on her face, "... was one they were proud of. They were proud of the idea of risking everything, for the people who give everything back to Spira. Not a single one of them would blame you. Because to all of them..."
Rikku tries to evenly hold Yuna's gaze as she says it next - words she's certain that Yuna knows.
"...oui yna vysema."
...you are family.
High Summoner Braska and Rikku was a point of division originally. However, the very idea of Yuna became the pride and joy of the Al Bhed - even if she was raised distant from all of them.
There's a distinct pause after she says it, like she's trying to get it to settle in. "If you're going to ask me not to apologize... for all of that... then please ... in return? Don't think of them as cousins you killed. Don't blame yourself for their deaths. They wouldn't want that. I don't want that."
There's nothing gentle about the squeeze she gives of Yuna's hand in this moment, as she tries to impress the certainty of her feelings into that hand just as much as she does when echoing Yuna's words back.
"You've never done anything but make me proud to be your cousin Yunie. And that includes choosing to go on right now, despite everything that happened."
<Pose Tracker> Yuna has posed.
Rikku settles her hand on Yuna's shoulder, and settles her words into Yuna's heart.
Now at least they're grieving for the same thing.
With a soft, wordless noise, the summoner leans forward, into her cousin's hold, so that they're cheek to cheek. Then she tilts her head inward, leaning on the younger girl -- seated like this they're exactly the same height really -- and letting her take some of the burden of her weight.
The river flowing in Yuna finds the ocean rising from Rikku. One tear at a time, they meet in the middle, then merge into one another. Pooling at their cheekbones, at last they're forced off to the side, to glitter towards the ground below.
But their path finds the girls' linked hands instead, and shatters there into a million more sparkles.
"Okay," Yuna coughs, narrowly avoiding an outright sob. She takes a few, deepening breaths, spurred on by Rikku's squeezing. "I... promise... I'll try."
That's a big promise from her, and the caveat is important. Because she knows she'll fail. Over and over. Though maybe she doesn't have that many more chances to succeed at forgiving herself for other people who've given their lives for her, before she runs out. Her palm clenches, squeezing back, as she resolves to do better.
Sitting up straight, she thumbs away Rikku's tears with her free hand -- then her own.
"I do, want you to understand," she says, a little breathlessly but nevertheless with her careful hesitations, "Why... I asked you not to..."
She smiles then, and for all that it's still a bit watery, it's brighter than the stars in the sky. And, at the same time, oddly shy.
"I liked it," she explains. "When you... talked like you did. Apologizing for it... is like saying sorry for wanting me to live, Rikku."
For the first time, she's able to take the voice of their shared family in conversation. And though she's tentative about it, she's sure enough to let those words take wing.
"I don't think Keyakku and the others would want that either."
<Pose Tracker> Rikku has posed.
As Yuna leans in, without even thinking about it, Rikku accepts Yuna's weight in the hold so that the two are close together. Without even thinking about it, she entrusts herself to Yuna as well. The two balancing each other's burdens as best as they can. Their tears joining as parallel waterfalls. As Yuna avoids a sob, promises to try, Rikku nods quickly, "Mm-mm!" After saying so much, the toll of letting all that loose has overcome her. And the best she can do is assent to Yuna's promise.
Rikku doesn't expect her to always succeed at it. Because she certainly knows how guilt can be. Perhaps if she'd thwarted her people from taking Yuna - then Home would still be around. Perhaps Keyakku would be alive.
Perhaps all of them.
Rikku always is trying to sprint ahead of sad memories and regrets and guilt with optimism and cheer... but sometimes even she gets winded from living life that way. And they catch up to her.
Rikku is still silent though as Yuna straightens, and thumbs away her tears. Rikku for a moment looks entranced, because despite her tears, despite her state... she's always wanted to know Yuna. Know how she feels. To get closer to her. To be family to her in the ways that are actually important - in ways that have nothing to do with blood.
And then comes the moment, and Rikku's lip falls slightly slack with surprise, like it's an 'O' that's caught in the middle of it. And then her expression just changes, into the biggest smile at the idea that despite her choices - Yuna liked it. That it wasn't some source of despair for her, considering the path not chosen.
Tearful, but just genuinely happy, she takes that arm on her cousin's shoulder, and curls it around her further - shifting to her knees, as she pulls Yuna into a fierce hug and in that moment actually resting her tearful cheek against hers.
"You're... right!"
Rikku exclaims. "Y-You're so right." Rikku says with at the idea that wanting Yuna to live is nothing to apologize for. It feels like validation, after tying herself up in knots so much over the idea that she might have to let go.
"I wan-I want you to live Yunie."
Keyakku and everyone who was at Home - want Yuna to live. And so too does Rikku.
"And I'm... I'm..." Despite her happiness, she's momentarily racked this sob that causes her to shudder against her cousin, "...neva ... evah... guh-gonna apologize for that."
<Pose Tracker> Yuna has posed.
"Oh, Rikku," Yuna murmurs, into the hair around her ear. She hugs her close, stroking her back, until Rikku's sobs are spent.
Then she sits back, and folds her hands in her lap.
She's considering saying something; it's visible on her face. It grows bigger and bigger inside, as her expression grows more and more poignant.
But that profound emotion yields to thoughtfulness, and to a simpler, double-lamped glow of affection. Yuna staring at her cousin -- thinking of her -- and of all the ways she could make her suffer with careless words, even if they were true words, even if they were well-meant. And loving her too much for that.
Even now, after everything... there are some things that would be too cruel to say out loud, even said in kindness. She won't give Rikku false hope. No, she won't ever hurt Rikku, or let anyone else hurt her, ever again.
Maybe she'll be able to explain herself fully... before the end. Yes... Rikku deserves to know her feelings.
"Thank you," she says instead, breathing the truth of her gratitude out into the air instead. It too deserves instantiation. It deserves it a lot.
Rikku deserves everything.
Yuna hugs her again, suddenly, in a snap decision that almost bonks their heads together.
"Thank you," she repeats. "Rikku."
<Pose Tracker> Rikku has posed.
Rikku does sob for a while. There was a lot of pent up emotion there, and on this occasion it caught up to her. Yuna's shoulder, cheek, and neck probably are doubly soaked from the saline like droplets. It's funny how when they fall, they might shimmer in the starlight and blue light of Gaia, but upon impact become uniform.
Tears sometimes are lovely for their transience.
Eventually though, as Yuna sits back, and Rikku finds herself wiping her eyes against her arm. And trying her hardest not to blow her nose against her tank top seeing as despite the fact that she has so many pouches - and that she just did inventory, she suddenly can't remember the one she left a tissue or rag in. In this time she has few words, in contrast to how MANY she nearly always has to offer.
Yuna's pose thus is not one she notices at first, but when she does though, suddenly she gives Yuna a look of wonder, because Yuna has this expression like she's thinking of something profound - or like she's about to divulge a secret. And Rikku wonders what it is. Yet she has no inkling of what it could be, and is instead on the edge of her seat.
Yuna has always been surprising to her. From the moment the two met onward. Yuna has never stopped surprising her.
Perhaps that's a big reason as to why she has never stopped being proud of her. The fact that Yuna changes her mind, and instead thanks her - Rikku believes it completely. Even if she knew it wasn't what Yuna had considered telling her, she wouldn't be disappointed - she wouldn't stop being proud.
That'd be impossible.
Instead, as Yuna thanks her, and Yuna brings her into a hug so quickly that Rikku has to tip her head back...
"Yunie..." Rikku breathes in, after Yuna's thanks finally settles in, and Rikku decides to say something back for her thanks, for her gratitude, "... I know I haven't been in your life for very long but... I love you Yunie." She says with a certain sweetness, unashamed of the feeling. Love is not necessarily unconditional for family that is not in one's life, it should not be taken for granted that it exists... but Yuna has been in Rikku's life for long enough, that Rikku knows it's true. "And... because I do, I want good things for you."
There are so many things she could say otherwise. Tell her how she's the best cousin she could have ever asked for, tell her that she blew away all expectations. But Rikku is trying her hardest not to remind Yuna of all the cousins that Rikku just lost at Home.
But the one uncomplicated truth she can tell her is that she loves her cousin, and that she wants her to live - and she wants good things for her.
"Thank you... for letting me be a part of your life."
One of the things Rikku always expected was that after she kidnapped Yuna, was that Yuna would hate her... wouldn't want to see her, speak to her, and to this day she's still grateful, and awed by the fact that wasn't the case.