2022-09-05: Weird Together

• Log: Weird Together
• Cast: Xantia, Azoth
• Where: Cardon Forest
• Date: September 05, 2022
• Summary: Following a massive shake-up regarding her recent thoughts and actions, Xantia is feeling lost... but finds in Azoth someone who understands her feelings entirely. Takes place shortly after https://dreamchasers.space/2022-09-02:_Frayed_Ties.

---

=============================<* Cardon Forest *>==============================

The thick and lush Cardon Forest exists to the south of Kattelox City's walls. Unlike many other forests that dot Filgaia's landscape, the Cardon Forest is peaceful and quiet, relatively free of any monsters or Fiends that often plague the world. Sometimes, you can see children playing here in the meadows, or a couple out for a picnic. 

But beware of the Digger's Guild warning -- for a structure exists far down south of the Forest, a mysterious Ruin whose entranceway remains sealed to this day.

BGM: Mega Man Legends - The Flutter

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

It's been mere hours since the confrontation between Xantia and Xenia was broken up in a sudden, spectacular fashion. Ever since, Xantia has been quiet. It stands to reason - she'd been forced to reevaluate her actions for the past weeks, centered around a dogged pursuit of Xenia in a bid for answers to the many questions she had. The fact that Xenia felt this was unwise didn't matter to her. But when Emeralda intervened, and then Id intervened more heavy-handedly, she quite simply didn't know anymore whether she was going about things the right away.

And so, quite unlike her usual self, she decided to put taking immediate action on hold. Put herself in time-out as it were, take the time to listen to what others have to say. But the hour was late, and a lot had happened just now, so first on the agenda after the tension had been defused would have to be good night's sleep.

Right. As if that was going to happen. She gave it a shot, but far too many thoughts were running through her head for her to get any sleep after all that. It wasn't long before she stopped trying, and went back out into the forest, to a small hill a short distance removed from the Black Wolves' campsite, used during the stakeout.

Standing atop the elevated location in the dead of night, Xantia yet has a good view of the destroyed warehouse down there, thanks to copious moonlight. What exactly happened back there, she doesn't know yet. A few hours ago, it wouldn't have even mattered to her. It's a little scary now that she thinks back to it, how obsessed she'd become. How did it come to that? How long had she been like that? Very different questions than she'd been asking herself even a day ago, when everything seemed so much more clear. One question, she ends up asking aloud, even though as far as she knows, no one is around to hear.

"Where did I go wrong...?"

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Once the confrontation ended, Azoth had no intention of making himself scarce until it seemed the matter had stabilized. The Black Wolves have known Xantia longer. They're her friends -- her people -- and they want what's best for her. Yet Azoth struggles to trust them on this particular matter. Bleakly, they shouldn't be trying him on any matter, perhaps much less Xantia's, but... that why, why, why, the hurt look in Xantia's eyes...

At the very least, Azoth does agree that rest would be ideal before any other choices are made.

He also recognizes, based on his observational data of organics, and of Xantia, this is highly unlikely. As an android, Azoth has no need for sleep, even if turning all his lights off and slumping quietly might give the impression he's joined everyone. (He's being polite, he thinks.)

Xantia has a moment to herself before Azoth makes his approach, his blue lights dimmed to keep from interrupting the ambiance of the night sky.

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" He slips up beside her, smiling. "Nothing's broken. Nobody got hurt." His face softens. "Not physically, anyway. ...You want some company, or... do you need a moment?"

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia starts, and whirls about when she hears a sudden voice. She didn't hear Azoth's approach at all, low on alertness for a multitude of reasons. For those same reasons, she doesn't quite know how to react. A part of her wants to agree. A part of her wants to argue. For a moment, she can only stare, expression inscrutable. Until she's managed to work out that while she can't decide on what to say, there is a constant in all the options running through her head. None of them involve wanting to send Azoth away.

And so, rather than speak, the first thing she does is go in for a hug. One can generally tell from the tightness of Xantia's hugs how badly she needed one. At least the days where spine damage was a concern at a time like this are over, but still, this one is likely to be a little uncomfortable even for an android.

This probably serves as enough of an answer to the questions posed. Which leaves Xantia room to say something out of left field, once she eventually releases.

"...You think it would be normal to cry, under these circumstances?"

She says this, with the expression of someone who might cry, but with completely dry eyes. Azoth would not have seen Xantia ever cry, but considering the question... well, theories aren't necessary, since Xantia continues on her own.

"I've never once cried. Not even a little bit. Not even at a time where everyone else around me did. I couldn't even pretend. Weird, right? Why would I be able to do so many things that others can't, yet not be able to do something so simple, that comes natural to anyone else?"

She pauses, and lets out an unamused chuckle, shaking her head slightly. "This may feel like I'm asking the wrong person... but I'm not really looking for an answer. I just think you understand the question better than most."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth only pauses when Xantia reacts with alarm, being an android meaning he doesn't have to display any of the surprise or concern on a reflex. She's rattled. Who could blame her? But he stays with that soft look, waiting until she's ready, adding nothing new for her to have to contend with in a mind that must be fighting with too many thoughts already.

He does not, in any of his calculations, predict what she settles on. Azoth stalls briefly, not sure what to do until the intensity of Xantia's grip tells him. Without another word, he wraps his arms around her in turn, letting her fit herself against his body to hug as long and as fiercely as he needs, no matter how tight. She won't break him. Even if she dented the hard shell of a body he has under the layer of synthetic covering, it would be worth it.

His arms loosen easily for her once she pulls back, looking back at a face that might as well be in tears despite Xantia's inability.

She's right. He does know something about that. It's... so different, seeing it on someone else.

"You're hurting. You don't have to cry to prove it." He frowns, knowing too well that's not always how everyone else sees it. "...At least not with me."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

And just like that, Xantia's expression goes from supreme sadness to a warm smile. "...Yeah. Not with you."

That was so abrupt, anyone else might think it unnatural. But, indeed, this doesn't need to be a concern right now. Not with Azoth. Xantia, too, knows a thing or two about needing to keep up appearances in order to blend in better. But she's always been painfully aware of just... being different, in many ways. And she doesn't know why. If only she did, maybe she wouldn't feel so lost.

She briefly averts her eyes. From the corner of her eye, she can see the long grooves left in the surface below from when she was forced back by Id. For a moment there, she couldn't understand how it had come to that. It felt like the world as she knew it had gone mad. She never thought to question her own perception of things, until after that moment passed.

"Back then..." she begins, slowly turning her head back in Azoth's direction. "What you said... I don't think I ever realized it until then. That the one who really understands me best... is you. You know exactly how I feel. You know exactly what I need to hear."

Then she raises a hand, saying firmly, "No, I don't believe that."

It wasn't in response to anything Azoth said. It's in response to how she thinks he'll feel about those words. That it's only what his programming told him to do. If that wasn't clear already, it follows from how she continues.

"What you said there... to me, it's proof that you're more than a machine. You have emotions, just like me... and they're a little different, just like mine. But they're real. They're not just a means to an end. They mean a lot more than that. And they mean a great deal to me."

She pauses, lengthily, before scratching the side of her head. "...Can't tell if it was weird, that this felt like the most important thing to say right now. Sorry, I know I just said I felt okay to be weird around you... but I guess maybe not completely."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth mirrors her smile as it warms.

Xenia had said that Xantia was flesh and blood, but that doesn't clear up the mysteries. It doesn't explain some of the painful similarities between Azoth and Xantia. He worries there's a cruelty in finding relief in the way her expression shifts so abruptly, the way it carries all the understanding more than trying to describe it ever could.

His gaze follows hers to the grooves in the ground, surveying the damage of the warehouse a moment with her until she speaks again. And when Xantia speaks again, this time he does let surprise widen his eyes.

"I --" Xantia's hand goes up, and Azoth goes silent again. It's only more disorienting she preempts what he's calculating.

He stares at her a while long before his expression grows more blankly uncertain. "It's not always easy, is it? Being different. Not sure if you're working like everyone else is, or if your feelings match up right... If they come from somewhere too alien for anyone else to understand. Or you to understand them."

Azoth looks away. "... You're right. I wasn't trying to say what I thought you wanted to hear. Not as a part of an agenda. I've done that before with people -- trying to calculate what will earn someone's trust, or what won't make me seem like a threat. But today... It was because I understood."

He makes himself glance back with half of a grin. "...And because what you feel matters to me, too. So I guess if it's weird, we'll just have to be weird together."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia nods along with Azoth's assessment on what it's like to be different. He really does understand how she feels, pretty much all the time. That kind of uncertainty... words aren't enough to properly explain it to someone who doesn't know how it feels. But to someone who does, these words are plenty. If only she could feel good about others knowing what she's going through to that degree. It's not something you'd wish on others, despite the wish to be better understood.

It's much easier to agree with the later point, that actually makes Xantia laugh out loud. "Yeah, why not? Weird together sounds pretty great!"

Even so, full-blown cheer can't last under the circumstances. All it takes is for Xantia to cast another look down for her to start thinking about things again. Except now, she finds herself thinking about something that she now realizes she never really gave any thought to before.

"...I keep going over what happened in my mind. At the time, I wasn't really listening to her. But you know... I think I get why she's so angry. She doesn't have what I have. People who understand her, in this same way."

She turns to Azoth, asking seriously, "Do you think that, if our positions were reversed, that could've been me?"

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth makes a beeping chirp-string as his stand in for his own laughter. He smiles more easily seeing Xantia's cheer, however brief. But it is brief. The weight of everything is still here. Not being alone is only a small part of the battle.

...He's not either, after all. Does that change his future?

"She doesn't," Azoth agrees, a little too matter-of-fact. "And it seems she isn't the position to allow anyone to understand. There's too much she can't say... because someone else decided she couldn't."

And that, at least, Azoth does understand. But that isn't enough on its own.

"It upsets her. We choose 'you' over 'her'. Again, she said... as if this has happened between you both before." Azoth's brow furrows in a sign he's making calculations on that, but with so little data, he can only guess.

In the end, he smiles weakly at Xantia. "That's a question. What makes us who we are? Her so fatalistic and isolated, you so determined and connected. Are we the sum of our experiences, or is there some piece of us that's 'us' that can't be taken away...?"

Azoth's smile weakens until it turns pained. "... I wish I had the answer to that, and that it was the second one. But... I don't know. What I do think is reaching her isn't impossible." He rubs at the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, maybe for me. Not that I wouldn't try...! But the Xantia you are -- the one you did become -- could do it."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

It's something Xantia has thought about before. If back in the early days of her remaining memories, circumstances had been slightly different, where would she be now? It's distressingly easy for her to imagine scenarios that would have put her in a position that she as she is now would be at odds with. She's been altogether fortunate... and now, she's starting to see how envious her 'sister' is of her good fortune.

Even so, she looks to Azoth with open surprise at his analysis. She hadn't put that much together. Which, it pains her to admit, is in large part because of her refusal to listen. She started off on the wrong foot with Xenia, and never really tried to reach any sort of understanding since then. And all this time, she was completely convinced that she was right to act that way.

"...Maybe that's it. Maybe that's where I went wrong."

She may not have spoken her exact line of thought aloud, but given Xenia's situation was the topic, it could reasonably be deduced. She only wishes Azoth could be more sure about his answer. But she'll agree with a nod, "I'd like to believe I'd never stop fighting, in whatever way I could. That I'd find a better choice somewhere."

Reaching her isn't impossible... that part, Xantia could believe. But she raises her hands defensively when nominated for that job. "Who, me? You think I could do it? Up until yesterday I could barely control myself whenever I saw her!" She rubs the back of her head. "...I'm not sure that there'd be a point, anyway. I don't know how to talk to her, and she doesn't even seem to want to talk to me."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth glances back at the destruction, his memory playing out how everything went down in those exact places, running over the data...

"Maybe we both did. I kept trying to figure out what it was she wanted. I never theorized it might be she wanted a... friend." He looks back at Xantia. "I knew what you wanted. And I didn't want to let her stop that."

He smiles more brightly. "I'll admit, it's impossible to imagine you as someone who would give up. Maybe there's something to that..."

It's the one thing he wants for himself: a core part of his identity no one can steal from him. If Xantia has one... perhaps Azoth could. Xantia's suggested, and demonstrated, so many more possibilities than Azoth thought there could be already.

"But you did!" Azoth counters with a grin. "Because of your friends. Exactly like you told me it would work." He turns back to being embarrassed, scuffing his foot against the ground. "...All right, so someone else may need to talk to her first, given the situation... But she undoubtedly likes me even less than before after what I did."

Azoth was given a choice, and without words, declared his very loudly.

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia looks down, and sheepishly admits, "I guess even our way of handling things was pretty much the same." Well, Azoth was more about getting on Xenia's nerves while Xantia mostly just wanted to punch her, but the motivations were similar enough, anyway. With a frown, she adds, "...Don't know if 'making a friend' is actually an objective of hers, but if it's true that she can't freely decide how to do things then it's hard to say anything for sure."

But then it's like she said. If there's something you can't fight, find a way to fight it anyway. Don't let things like the word 'impossible' stop you from making it happen in a way nobody thought of. She lives by that, and will advise Azoth and anyone else who needs it to do the same. She couldn't imagine handling things any other way. She's proud of it too, evident by the wide grin when Azoth can't imagine that either.

Yet other things are not quite as obvious to her, such as her friends stopping her when she needed them to being something that she predicted would happen. Funny how things you say in regards to others always seem less obvious when it's yourself in the same situation. "Ha... I guess so, huh?" Still not very certain amount confronting Xenia herself, not until she's more sure things can go better. About which she has something to add which may seem odd given what happened, but makes perfect sense to her.

"I think Id may be best suited for talking to her now. I have faith that he can handle this." But perhaps most shocking of all is the following claim: "I can be patient and wait for a bit."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth is, unfortunately, a bit of a mirror in his efforts to interact and forge himself. He and Xenia certainly ended up trying to jab at each other for openings, for weaknesses, for any scrap of data, neither one gaining much at all in the process. Though some of Azoth's resistance was feeling he was being asked to betray Xantia's trust with no explanation.

It's his own struggle against the impossible not to become a traitor.

"If we could only give her that freedom somehow..."

And yet that seems a problem tangled up at the very heart of all of this.

"You may be right. Him or Emeralda. Or both?" The two of them seem to get along. Rather... this 'Id' seems to have respect for Emeralda in a way he's hesitant to give everyone else. Though some of the things Id said still rub Azoth the wrong way... If this is Xantia's choice, he won't contest it.

"There may be no data that guarantees anything, but it's certain failure not to try. That's what you've taught me, anyway. In the meantime, you don't have to wait alone."

He flashes a brighter smile, then turns and looks back up at the moon. Maybe with some of it off of her chest, Xantia be able to return to camp and get much needed sleep. But until then... Azoth's got plenty of patience for waiting himself.