2022-12-30: The Logic of Emotions

• Log: The Logic of Emotions
• Cast: Xantia, Azoth
• Where: Celesti Wastelands
• Date: December 30, 2022
• Summary: Following the funeral proceedings for Demetrioi, Xantia and Azoth have a moment of introspection regarding their respective natures.

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===========================<* Celesti Wastelands *>===========================

Decades ago, the nation of Celesti ripped itself apart in a vicious civil war. Outside of a handful of settlements, its former territories are lifeless. The remains of trenches, bunkers, and barbed wire lines serve as lingering reminders of the conflict--scars that have yet to heal. The earth is dry and barren, and much of the groundwater has been contaminated by biological or chemical weapons.

Travel through the Wastelands is treacherous. The roads are pockmarked with shell craters, and Reapers have been known to haunt its blasted plains. A handful of functional rail lines cross the wastes, but these travel directly to their final destinations. The shattered remains of ghost towns dot the landscape. Some may yet hold things of value, but experienced travelers know better than to go treasure-hunting on a whim. The war-dead of Celesti do not rest.

Ghosts aren't even the strangest things one can find here. As the war dragged on, both the Congressional Knights and Aquvy Union dug up ancient weapons to aid their efforts--including, it's rumored, ARMs from Zeboim. These rumors draw both the daring and desperate into the wastes, and more often than not, to their end.

BGM: Shin Megami Tensei IV - Blasted Ichigaya

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

With the proceedings for Demetrioi having come to a close, and things thankfully not having escalated to the point where there could immediately be another funeral, people have started filing out of Port Amphidamas. Once she noticed this, Xantia left comparatively quickly, having been unable to ever truly feel completely comfortable about her presence there. Nothing to do with the company, just... herself, feeling distantly removed from the whole thing. While she's glad she came, she's also glad it's over. It just somehow feels... easier to breathe, away from that gathering.

She didn't go far, though. She's only just outside this rare civilized part of the Wastelands, sitting on top of a rock formation just a bit removed from the sandy path that leads back to converge with the old ruined highway to Port Rosalia. Easily spotted for anyone headed in that direction, which may be the point. There doesn't seem to be any other reason to stick around here except to wait for somebody.

She does busy herself in the mean time, because under normal circumstances it's hard for Xantia to just sit still and do nothing, for any length of time. She's put a small heap of sand next to her, periodically collecting some of it with her right hand. Which she then closes, and opens again a moment later. Having solidified the clump of sand with a bit of elemental power, she then tosses it across the desert sands, and just watches it go.

It's a little bit like skipping stones, except you make your own stone equivalents, and you're not really concerned with the skipping part and more with the distance.

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Mercifully, Xantia will not find herself waiting overlong. She's not the only one eager to get away from the crowd, though Azoth does linger by the plot where the seeds were buried, running calculations on the likelihood of their growth. He wasn't programmed for agriculture. The margin of error is too high. And, he realizes somewhere in all the math, that wasn't the real value behind the activity. Funerals are strange rituals...

Demetrioi is gone, but at least Ethius didn't scar himself further than he's already been in the end of everything.

When Azoth spots Xantia on the rock formation, he does not shout or call out, quiet in manner still as he vaults his way up there and takes a seat next to her. He picks up some of the sand, squeezing it tight. Though he has no elemental power of his own, Azoth lets arm energy and heat collapse in that small space, trying to fuse it into a clump.

It's not enough to make glass, so it only kind of works, 'skipping' not even once before crumpling in a pile. Azoth grins at it sheepishly, then gives Xantia a quieter smile.

"You didn't have to come," he says. Her discomfort was not invisible to him. "...But it... helped that you did."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Though she doesn't confirm it directly, Xantia's bright smile may serve as the indication that the one she was waiting for has arrived. She too doesn't speak immediately, watching curiously as Azoth makes his own attempt at her improvised little game. She giggles as his clump falls apart, then raises a finger as if to say 'watch this'. Using her left hand to distribute some more sand in her right, she stops at the amount that she's determined is Just Right, then closes her right hand. From up close, it's easier to see just how much heat she's employing, her hand glowing a bright red for a very short moment. Azoth likely has enhanced ways that allow him to tell that the heat within her palm at that moment was both extreme and localized precisely around the compressed sand.

When she opens her hand again, the sand has vitrified into a dark grey, closely resembling an oval piece of Fulgurite. She throws it up a short ways and catches it again, before she finally speaks. "Pretty cool, right?" Despite knowing that particular figurative term, she second-guesses herself, explaining, "...I mean, actually it's the opposite of cool, going by the temperature, I was using the other meaning there. It's cool in both ways now, though, see?" She hands the home-made rock to Azoth for closer inspection, he's the rock expert after all. And she wasn't exaggerating, by now it's perfectly cool to the touch.

"...I'm glad I could help," she finally replies, more soberly. "That's all I was really trying to do, despite not really knowing how to. Not any different from usual, I couldn't tell you exactly how I'm doing that, either." She nods at the recent creation she just handed over. She brings a little bit of levity into her voice, saying, "I can do some weird stuff, huh?" But drops it again quickly, frowning a bit. "I wish I knew what it's meant for."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

Azoth's eyes brighten, full attention on Xantia with her invitation to witness a trick. There's a soft whirr in his pupils as he scans for the details of the heat within the brightness of her palm. He smiles with the finesse of it, then -- perhaps predictably -- beams with delight when it becomes a rock and claps quietly in praise.

"It is cool," Azoth assures her as accepts it for inspection, giving it a geological scan with a cheerful string of chirp-beeps in praise. "I didn't know you knew how to make rocks. You've been holding out on me!" A coy smile tries to suggest that's a tease, and not to be taken literally.

But his expression soon quiets back down as he feels over the edges of homemade Fulgurite.

"I could give you the heat formulas that just took place in your hand to accomplish this, but somehow I doubt that's what you mean." He musters up a weak smile at her. "This is usually the part where someone says it can be whatever you want it to be meant for, right? But... that won't fill in that sense of something missing."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia gets her own delight out of being able to make someone so happy. It's unclear whether she fully understood the tease, a bit of alarm in her voice when she clarifies, "I wasn't keeping it from you or anything! I just didn't find out until recently! That's what I mean - I just don't know all the stuff I can do, I just have to try things and see what happens." She's not actually distressed though, a smile can't mean anything bad.

She scratches her head at the mention of formulas. "I doubt that would do me any good, yeah. I'm better at just doing stuff, it doesn't really matter to me how it works. What I want to know is how I got my powers, and what I'm supposed to do with it. Or... wanted to do with it. I know, I can do whatever I want with it now, and I am. But..."

Azoth already said it, so she needs only nod. The sense of something missing. It never leaves the back of her mind. Especially with that vague sense of needing to do something important. "That's probably what it was like for Ethius, too." With that, she collects a bigger handful of sand, but she doesn't do anything with it except letting it rest on her open palm, watching the wind slowly scatter some of the grains. There's a short pause, before she continues speaking.

"I'm happy for Ethius. He found his answers. He knows why he can do the things he does, what he was meant to use his abilities for, and can make his own informed choices from there. That's been my hope, for everyone who has lost their memories."

She abruptly closes her hand, scattering the sand more violently. "...So why does it hurt so much to think about it?"

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

"Sorry! Sorry, I know." Azoth should know better with how literally and earnestly Xantia takes things. That's an important part of Xantia too, after all. "That's how it works. I didn't know I could make cakes, either... Though... I doubt that has to do with missing memories."

If only Azoth was going to remember he was a pastry chef all this time. Wouldn't that solve a number of problems?

"Of course I'm, uh, still working on your request. I've only vaporized four attempts so far! That's probably a reasonable number. I think."

Asking a war machine to do what 'feels right' in the culinary sphere may have hit some unintended snags.

He frowns as he listens, and he doesn't need Xantia to fill in when she tapers off. It's the same for Azoth. "Without the whole truth, how can we say we're truly choosing our own destinies?" Sometimes Azoth doubts his ability to choose, or how to define a choice. But he knows a choice made without data is barely a real choice at all.

Azoth watches the sand clump, scatter, and then slip away. He sets his hand over Xantia's, keeping some of the sand from escaping through her fingers.

"...You'll find yours, too. The way you always push forward... it's impossible for me to believe otherwise."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Azoth the pastry chef, could you imagine? What's next, Lord Blazer the baker?

Much like with his attempt at sandrock creation, Xantia's giggle isn't meant to make fun of Azoth's attempts at making his own culinary creation, but she can't help it. She's picturing it in her head, and it's a really funny image. Then she abruptly goes to a dismayed expression when she starts to look at it as a waste of four cakes. That's terrible.

"I, uh, maybe could help you a little, if you're having that much trouble? As it turns out I'm pretty good at cooking." She shrugs. "Yet another unexplained ability." She's putting that on the same level as her combat abilities. Why not, it's both things that not everybody can do, and both things of which she doesn't know how she learned them. The offer doesn't remain long enough to be answered to though. "Wait, no, you were supposed to do it yourself, that's the whole point!"

But yes, in the end, it's important to be able to place everything in the proper context. Even just learning about who taught her how to cook, or why she apparently used to be interested in cooking, that would be something! When she starts to think about it, it feels like after all this time, she's still so very far away from the full picture. The desperation is evident in her expression as she regards Azoth, moments after his hand covers hers.

"...I think I know what this feeling is. When you really want something that someone else has... it's envy, isn't it? I don't like it, Azoth. But I don't know how to stop feeling it. How do I make this go away?"

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

The giggling only makes Azoth smile further. At least the efforts bring some joy, even if they have not brought a cake. Although Xantia is now beginning to tragedy this implies. No cake where there was once cake. A cakeless reality. Azoth, destroyer of cakes.

Instead of his own laugh, Azoth makes a digital beep-chirp again as his own substitute when Xantia offers to help and immediately revokes it. "And it's not much of a gift for you if you help me make it, either." But cooking... That is an interesting mysterious ability to have on top of everything else Xantia has in her arsenal.

But trying to piece their pasts together based on clues doesn't fill in the gaps they have, for either of them. They're on a hunt for those tangible, concrete memories, for hard data. Not for speculation, but for the truth.

A truth some get, but Xantia has yet to find, despite all of her efforts.

"...I don't know," Azoth admits, frowning, his voice softer. "Some things hurt. Sadness. Anger. And envy. It was a reminder of what you don't have. What you're still looking for. You won't feel it forever. I think you just... try to make yourself comfortable until it passes."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

As a final attempt to save some future cakes from total destruction, Xantia urges, "Remember, it doesn't have to be perfect! Just, you know... still able to be eaten." Xantia is the least picky eater, and is thus confident in her promise: "I'll be happy to eat anything you've managed to make."

Shockingly though, food is not her number one priority at the moment. She has once again been struggling with emotions that she rarely experiences, and doesn't know what to do with. When you know you should be happy for someone else, but all you can think about is yourself, that's gotta be wrong, isn't it? It feels wrong. "...I really don't understand why people don't seem to think I'm selfish," is the part of her thoughts that she voices.

With a sigh, she withdraws her hands, letting the sand fall from them. Dusting her hands, she continues, in a frustrated tone, "You know what would make dealing with all those emotions easier? If I knew how they're supposed to work. It always comes back to that." She goes ahead and slides the remaining sand she piled up off the rocks too. She's no longer in the mood to continue that little game. Another, deeper sigh later, she seems to be feeling a little better, managing a small smile again.

"...Sorry. I know you understand, but I still don't like it when I get like that. That's why I try to keep busy with helping others, that's when I feel the most comfortable." She looks off into the distance. "...I've mentioned it before, I think Xenia is envious of me. But now I realize, I'm also envious of her, not needing to question everything she's doing. It's all so weird." She turns back to Azoth, asking a question she feels like she should have asked much earlier. "What do you think she actually wants? I can't figure it out."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

To Azoth's credit, he looks more determined with this pep talk, punching a fist into his palm. "Okay. I can do this...! Fifth time's the charm!" His eyes brighten a fraction too much, Azoth brimming with ARM energy that may not bode well for cakes. Unless one trusts his commitment to the goal of existing cake. Xantia can't eat a cake that isn't there.

But right now isn't so much about cake.

He lets go easily, looking to some of the dust left on his own palms. They stick to the synthetic flesh a little easier until he picks the bigger grains out. "I've... done a lot of thought on feelings." That's probably no surprise. He grins sheepishly. "Wasn't meant to have them and all. But... sometimes more complex decisions require them. It hurts, but... It also reminds you of what you want, right? What's important to you." And by saying so, lets others know, too.

This is deeply important to Xantia. Azoth always knew that, but there's his own hurt budding in his core. He's done so little to help so far.

There's a smile on his face in spite of it. "And that would be why people don't think you're selfish. Hurting doesn't change that."

At the mention of Xenia, Azoth looks out into the same distance Xantia does. "If I hadn't messed up so many times, maybe I could have found out. I'm not nearly as good with people as I thought..." But Xenia's also a construct, and that wasn't data Azoth had until much later. "Though she may not be able to say. There are things I'm not able to say. If I try, the necessary processes get shred apart before I can speak."

It only takes the right kind of code to control that.

"She clearly has some manner of 'objective'... and she thought keeping you from remembering yourself might achieve it. But I don't think that's it on its own." Azoth frowns, his gaze dipping down. "The way she was distraught at not being 'chosen'. The way she's angry when we don't listen to her. How alone she must be, in the tasks she's trying to perform... I can't say for sure, but I think she wants to feel cared about."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

If not exactly surprised, Xantia does look intrigued, when Azoth says he's put a lot of thought into feelings. She can't help but wonder what form that must take. How different a perspective it is, trying to figure out how emotions work, between someone who knows they should have them, and someone who knows they shouldn't have them. "...I guess thinking about it isn't a bad thing. But emotions themselves get in the way of that sometimes. I've been told that much is normal. So I figure, we're probably more normal than it feels sometimes, thinking and talking about this stuff."

Or all the time. Xantia sure still doesn't feel like she has a good handle on what 'normal' means. But she seems to be doing fairly alright, from what she can tell. She can't help but chuckle when Azoth makes her consider that it might be a similar sort of situation where it comes to selfishness, or lack thereof. "Maybe. People tell me I'm observant too, and I don't really feel like I am, so I may just not be very observant about myself."

Regarding Xenia, Xantia is now also considering this newly discovered nature of hers, prompting the comment, "I think you're plenty good with people. Maybe she just... thought of you differently than most people." That's something Xantia has never done, Azoth's nature has never mattered to her even a little bit. But she could see it mattering to someone who has a similar nature. Having things in common with others just has a way of making you feel connected. And not being able to speak freely... even Xantia knows how terrible that feels, even if for her it was only temporary.

The final conclusion though... Xantia's eyebrows go waaay up at that. "...Are you serious? If that's true, she sure has an odd way of showing that she wants people to care about her!" She frowns a bit, mentally reminding herself to not let her opinions be colored too much by everything she thought she knew, before that last confrontation. "...I guess I can understand not wanting to be alone." There was a pretty recent incident that proved just how fearful she is of being left on her own. To what degree would she be able to combat that through having full knowledge of herself?

It does much to explain the warm expression she is quick to turn Azoth's way. "I'm glad I could help you feel less alone." Yet in the same breath, she adds, "I don't think I could do the same for Xenia. Not that I think she's interested in me caring about her."

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

"Emotions can certainly cause complications," Azoth agrees. "But I think emotions are more logical than most people say. When they get in the way... that's data. And it's important to consider all of the data." He smiles awkwardly. "But normal or not, it is a little easier to talk about it."

Does Azoth know what 'normal' means himself? There's a few definitions the word has been known to have. By many of those definitions, Azoth would wager not. But being weird isn't so bad.

Azoth smiles at the idea of others praising Xantia, with Xantia not quite seeing it herself. Perhaps it is more difficult if she cannot see herself. She lives there. "You're good at getting to the heart of what matters. But... that is more difficult, when it's ourselves. More noise." He knocks on his head. There's a soft clang.

That's not where he keeps his thoughts and feelings, but it's a matter of communication!

Xantia's eyebrows go up and Azoth grins at her nervously. "A lot of people struggle with that! Something about vulnerability." But the fear of being alone... Azoth's smile softens. That was something new to learn, at the time. Important, though.

Even with Xantia moving on quickly to her thoughts on Xenia, Azoth takes a moment to look back over the horizon. "...You really do." There is the smallest touch of wonder in that. A curiosity.

Then, back to her. "You and me both, at this point. If she ever does try to find me again, I'll keep trying to learn something, construct to construct this time. But... maybe I should think about keeping an eye out for different leads."

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Emotions as data. That's one way to look at it. Not a way that Xantia thinks she could adopt, she can't stop her own feelings enough to consider things with that level of objectivity. But talking making things easier, that much she can easily assent to, nodding with a smile.

She looks a little confused at the notion of 'noise', mimicking Azoth in knocking on her own head. No clanging there, but she seems surprised at the sound it does make. That was something she's never tried before. Even little discoveries like that feel noteworthy to her. You can just tell she's trying to puzzle together how this sound affects ease of observation. Taking this one literally isn't getting her anywhere. She eventually gives up on that effort with a silent shrug.

Regarding Xenia, she once again has to frown, pointing out, "She never looked very vulnerable to me. I've rarely seen anybody take a punch like the one I gave her and not seem hurt even a little bit." Not to mention the time she was caught in an exploding building. Xantia is, once again, taking this too literally.

You can almost see the question mark over Xantia's head when Azoth briefly turns away, wondering what he's thinking about. She wasn't even aware she said anything that could cause wonder. That's just part of her normal, saying things like that. But she too doesn't miss a beat in her response, once the topic of Xenia resumes.

"Well, I guess all I can say is... do what you feel is best. If she shows up again, I'm going to stay out of the way, and leave it to everyone else. That's what I feel is best."

She stretches, first just her arms, then her legs as well, after hopping down from the rocks. That done, she suggests with abrupt cheer, "Wanna head back to Port Rosalia? Gonna be a bit of a walk, but I'm sure the journey won't feel so far if we stick together."

The same could be said of all journeys, in her experience.

<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.

It's entirely possible Azoth's concept of noise is different, he concedes. Allegedly, humans don't run so many calculations in their minds at once... Is his an exceptionally noisy consciousness? (Azoth, the metaphor's the problem.) (But also hundreds of calculations at once might be odd.)

"Ah, emotional vulnerability." Azoth actually tries to correct the misunderstanding this time. "Putting feelings out there and then being met with rejection or dismissal. I may have made her feel that way myself without meaning to... The rules she and I were programmed with are evidently quite different." His smile turns pained. "But I can't tell her the kind of machine I really am any more than she can tell me what she's up to, by the sounds of it."

He can't tell anyone else that, either. Not even Xantia. It wouldn't change anything with Xantia, Azoth suspects. Needless to say, Azoth would still prefer to be in a situation where he does not have rules about what he physically can and cannot communicate. It's the smallest loophole that he's able to say, even now, 'not quite this'. ...Assuming the way he looks fighting for Solaris didn't give that clue away already.

Xantia's normal. That's part of what makes it curious.

"All right," Azoth says, nodding. "If that's what you feel is best, then we'll trust it."

Trust is a curious thing, too.

Azoth hops down after Xantia, mirroring her abrupt cheer with his own beaming smile. "Sure! Maybe I can give the cake thing one more try once we get there..."