2023-02-17: In Spite of Compulsion
- Log: In Spite of Compulsion
- Cast: Azoth, Xantia
- Where: Great Spiran Sea
- Date: February 17, 2023
- Summary: Against all odds, Azoth and Xantia meet once more following the Solarian ambush of the Fahrenheit, finding they have yet more in common. They then discuss their plans regarding the current crises.
============================<* Great Spiran Sea *>============================ The Spiran archipelago is, unsurprisingly, composed of a series of islands. One is large, some are fairly big, the rest are quite small. Travel between the islands is accomplished by a series of small, local ferry runs between Spira's major seaports. Each of these ferries is pretty much like the rest - a large two-masted brig equipped with a pair of paddle wheels that allow the vessel to run on chocobo power whenever the wind is low. Because all of the ferries are basically the same, this is the one you're on. Whatever one that is. Wherever it's going. You're on it. BGM: Final Fantasy X - The Sight of Spira
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
After his treacherous stay on the Fahrenheit, Azoth determined it best to keep his distance... mostly. Trying to climb back aboard could have caused a bit of a stir, especially as more and more people learn who and what Azoth really is. Like Xantia, Azoth thought more did than didn't. His calculations are uncertain about whether it's beneficial or not that word doesn't spread quickly.
It is beneficial to him to confirm the physical and mental of those he fought previously. That is to say... he worries.
And there is, undoubtedly, an apology owed.
Now that he's been fished from the water by Loren and repaired, Azoth has the luxury of lingering around where the Fahrenheit is docked, and where he himself fell into the waves caused by Sin's fall. He's back looking like a human sort of person rather than a construct sort of person made of violence and steel. Perhaps the mask is silly at this point.
But he wears it at the shoreline where water nearly nips at his boots. The sun's fallen enough to cast the world in more orange than blue. He's been hoping to see someone exit the Fahrenheit, but when he finally spots the silhouette he's waiting for, Azoth hasn't come up with what to say.
He smiles, weak and sheepish.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
What am I doing?
A continuously and ever more frequently returning question to Xantia's mind, for a multitude of different reasons. Most commonly, these reasons have to do with her memories, naturally. The perceived mistakes, inexplicable actions, and various misunderstandings that arise exactly because she never fully knows what she's doing. And it only seems to be getting worse. It feels like only a matter of time until something goes terribly wrong.
And yet... she can't just take off, drop everything, and fully focus on the search for her missing memories, like it feels like she should. There's too much she values, too much she doesn't want to lose. Too many people she doesn't want to go without seeing for very long, who are all of the same mind in wanting her to stay. So she can't go. She doesn't want to go. And yet... it feels wrong to just keep going like this.
It's part of the reason why she went out. Not so much to take a relaxing stroll, but to take her mind off things. Some stray Fiends provided some much-needed exercise after spending way too long in bed, too demoralized to resist the instruction to rest and let her wounds heal. She didn't really have a plan for where she was going. But the way back... the route she ended up choosing was very much deliberate.
'What am I doing?' she thinks to herself once again, following the shoreline while looking down in the water. It's been so long since that fight. Since she saw Azoth fall down here. She's not worried, per se, convinced that such a fall wouldn't kill him. She just... wants to see him. But there's no way he'd still be there after all that time, so what is she expecting, really?
And so it is that while Azoth is expecting someone to be leaving the Fahrenheit, he instead sees someone returning to it. Following a path that took her right past him while on the way there. What are the odds?
Xantia, for her part, just looks incredulous, frozen in her tracks the moment she laid eyes on Azoth. She blinks blankly, just... staring at him, as if unsure whether she's imagining him. "Azoth...?" More than that isn't happening, at least not right away.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
It's not the way he expected it, no. Azoth's not sure it was fair to expect anything. There's so much going on in the world. Threat exploding with new danger. Azoth is only a small fraction of it at best, at least for now. Maybe it'd be better if he stayed back and out of the way. If he didn't hope for things like this.
A hypothetical he won't get an answer to, because Azoth did hope, and he did come back. And he does run into Xantia.
She questions him, and he beeps softly, the tone lilting upward. He shrugs with both arms, his face like their last experience together hadn't involved the devastation it had. Lopsided and good humored. It's probably wrong. He's less worried about that in present company than with most people. And somehow, more, in a different way.
"It's me," he finally greets. "...I didn't hit your head too hard back there, did I?"
He tragically doesn't know about Krelian, and how much more damage that man could -- and did -- cause.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Any calculations would say that the odds of this meeting were extremely low. And yet, it did happen. It's exactly the sort of thing that Xantia likes to emphasize - you don't need to calculate anything, all you need is hope. As long as the odds aren't zero, it's always better to attempt to actively make your hopes become reality.
That doesn't mean she can't be absolutely dumbfounded when hopes do become reality. She doesn't spend very long questioning why, but she does only now realize that she doesn't have any idea what to say. Once again, a perfect mirror to Azoth's own lack of plans in that regard. Though what she ends up landing on as her decided action... that much shouldn't be that difficult to calculate.
In response to Azoth's words, Xantia doesn't immediately reply with words. Instead, she abruptly runs towards him, her face difficult to read as she fails to settle on any one emotion. But there's no mistaking the intent - there's no hostility there, she's rushing in for a hug, the most enthusiastic one that Azoth has yet had to deal with. ...and since she isn't slowing down, the most forceful one too, liable to flat out tackle the average person to the ground. Only after do the words finally come.
"Azooooth! I understand... I understand what you have to go through so much better now, I'm so sorry!"
Perhaps some might think an apology from Xantia at this time is a little strange. But there's a reason, of course. It may not always seem like it, but she always has a reason.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
It's curious. Azoth should have calculated it. The data is there. The evidence is there. Even the hope is there. What Xantia does is perfectly Xantia, in line with everything he's come to understand about what makes a Xantia. But in the way Azoth's been taught the value of hope, it can also be said that fear is a terribly disruptive type of data.
He was too afraid she wouldn't to prepare himself for the fact that she would.
...It may well not have mattered either way. Xantia's hug is on an entirely new level. Azoth's foot slides back in an attempt to balance from the incoming impact of the gesture, but it's hardly enough. Xantia collides with Azoth, Azoth only able to catch her in his own arms as both hit the ground with a beep of surprise.
"Xantia?!"
Why is she apologizing to him?! Okay, nevermind, he couldn't have predicted any of this!
Azoth shifts up on his arm, trying to get a look at Xantia's face as if that's going to help him read at all the distress going on here.
"Hey... Hey, are you all right? What happened?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
In many ways, this echoes Xantia's behavior following the confrontation with Xenia. This is definitely another instance in which she might wonder if it would be an appropriate time to cry. Just like that time, anyone looking at her face would think that she might start doing exactly that at any moment, yet she doesn't actually do so. If the force of that hug was any indication, she's that much more distressed, this time.
"It was... it was right after you..." Were knocked off the airship. "...left." That's also a way to put it. "That's when he showed up. Krelian."
Xantia rarely wastes time getting to the heart of her concerns, but with Azoth, it's that much easier to just... not bother trying to sort out her emotions. Her distress should be self-evident, there's no need to focus on anything but the facts of the matter at this time.
"He-- as soon as I saw him, I just... lost control of myself. I couldn't do anything except attack him, over and over, trying to kill him even though he seemed completely impossible to kill. Or, it was more like... watching myself doing that, unable to stop my body from moving on its own." There's a moment's pause, Xantia giving Azoth a serious look, gauging whether he's already figured out what she's saying. But either way, she still says it out loud a moment later.
"I... know how it feels now. To have overrides."
Now that she's gotten the important statement off her chest, she seems to finally become aware of the fact that she kind of ended up pinning Azoth down to the ground. She lets him go rather suddenly, looking sheepish as she gets off of him, standing back up and immediately rubbing the back of her neck, like she tends to do when she's embarrassed. "...Sorry," she says simply.
It's easier to tell now that there's something different about the torso section of her armor. It looks kind of stitched together, like it was hastily patched up after getting slashed through. Azoth wasn't the one who did that. Shouldn't be hard to guess who did.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth's face goes blank at the mention of the name. Krelian. Azoth's not met him personally. He does not have to have met him personally. What Azoth knows is only a small fraction, but if those horrors were only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg, then what follows is unthinkable. Incalculable.
His eyes widen at the mention of the loss of control, concern writ on his face. He's seen that a few times, too. In their own fights. In others where he was fighting alongside her. For Xantia, who so badly wants her memories back, to fall into a state where she remembers nothing... It seems a nightmarishly cruel thing, to Azoth.
Except this time, Xantia describes being aware. She describes remembering.
And how, despite everything, she immediately relates it back to him. Even with that stitched section of her armor that tells a more violent story than even Azoth gave her.
As Xantia gets to her feet, so does Azoth, but then he closes the distance immediately again, drawing her into a hug of his own. His is a gentler version, but its softness with purpose instead of the usual hesitation.
"I'm supposed to be the one saying that," he says, voice quieter. "...But you're right. I... understand."
And no amount of calculation and computation comes up with any of the words that could make it better. How did such a reaction get triggered...?
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Loss of control is of course a frightening experience. But emotions are always stronger when it's about others than when it's about herself, in Xantia's experience. She might still be trying to work out her feelings, were it not for the fact that she could relate the situation back to Azoth's so directly. Asking herself: how would she feel if what happened to her happened to Azoth - only to realize that this must be exactly what happens to Azoth on a regular basis. It's much easier to feel the proper amount of distress then.
Xantia is not surprised by Azoth's own gesture this time, welcoming it as she returns the hug, not quite gently, but certainly more so than before. She also isn't exactly sure about what would be most appropriate to say at this moment. They may both have said it already. They understand.
In the end, her train of thought ends up going to related matters. Which may not be immediately obvious, given what little she says, initially.
"...It was different than before."
There's time to question this, as Xantia slowly pulls back from the hug, still with a serious expression on her face. But there's no actual need, as she'll explain herself either way.
"I lost control of myself like this once before, a long time ago. That time, I attacked everyone around me, even my friends. But that was different. That time, I could do things I didn't remember I could even do. And it felt like... someone else was in control. There was another will, that I could fight back against. But with Krelian, I don't... think there was anything like that."
She brings a hand to her forehead, rubbing her fingers against it as she goes over those events in her mind again. "I just keep thinking... if I was somehow 'meant' to fight someone like that... there has to be something I can do against him. Something that I can't remember right now." She drops her hand to look back to Azoth. "I need to find out what that is. Because if I see him again... I'm absolutely sure this will happen again."
And that time, she might not walk away it, is the unspoken implication.
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Azoth holds the gesture moreso when Xantia returns it. She shouldn't have to apologize, not for what happened, or for being distressed, or for wanting someone to understand that distress. But, grimly, he understands that so much of that distress is on his behalf. And he doesn't want her to be sorry about that, either. Even if he's sorry, too, about what's happening to her.
Maybe that's just the way it works.
He releases her easily, this time, as she pulls away, watching her intently as he listens. Azoth doesn't interrupt with a question, like he knows Xantia will finish. Or wants to give her the chance not to. But his face is still asking, inviting it.
"Another will?" But not this time... Surprise overtakes concern. A face can only show so many internal experiences at once, which Azoth has always found to be inconvenient. There are so many of them, too many of them, all of the time. There's a lot right now. Xantia losing control, her abilities coming back in her memories, the things Xenia had said about her situation...
It's all too difficult to understand without holding all of the data. And no one experiences that frustration more than Xantia herself, except now she's paying for it with more then merely frustration. If she fights Krelian again-- Azoth's gaze flits to the memory of a gash in Xantia's armor. His face falls.
"Something tied to a 'purpose'... An objective..." Azoth muses allowed. It's his own way of understanding things. It's a clue, however small. "But you don't have access to everything you did when they were determined, so you can't fulfill it. I understand that, too."
Azoth frowns.
"...Sorry. I want to say more than that, but I don't know how. I... wish I had been there." He winces. "Well, I'd have been on his side. But I mean... really there." Without the overrides.
"But I still believe what you told me is true. That no matter what happens, even losing memories, or getting them back in bits and pieces... The part of us we have now won't vanish. And we can always be called back. Like how I'm still here. And so are you."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Considering the dire mood, it's easy to see why Xantia's more common, brighter expressions have been absent until now. But all too suddenly, her smile returns, at Azoth's expression that he wishes he could have been there, really been there. She lets Azoth finish speaking his thoughts, before she reaches out, and gives his arm a gentle squeeze.
"Did you notice, what you said just now? Saying what you want to do, really want to do? That's the sort of thing I mean, when I say it's important not to try and calculate everything."
Just a genuine expression of a personal wish, spoken from the heart (or heart-equivalent), that's how that came across. Such a very human thing to do. And that's ultimately what Xantia wants Azoth to see as clearly as she sees it. That in spite of everything, he's a lot more human than he gives himself credit for.
Maintaining the smile, she continues, "So, you've already said all you need to, as far as I'm concerned. I'm just glad that you understand these things, even if, you know. We don't have all the necessary data to come to a definitive conclusion." Of course, she can also speak his language when appropriate. That's only fair.
Abruptly switching topics, she continues in a more grave tone, "...They're making plans to attack Sin while it's weak. This could be the only chance we have to finish it off." Even knowing everything she does, she still sees no reason to not tell Azoth about their intentions. But that only stands to reason at this point. She was fine with him being there on the Fahrenheit too, even fully suspecting there would be a Solarian ambush. She's fully aware of what she's doing when she tells Azoth things, she simply doesn't see that as a liability.
With a slight smile, she adds, "That'd make the people of Spira happy." The smile fades soon after. "I'm really worried about what Vinsfeld will do to Filgaia in the mean time, though..."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
Xantia's smile turns out to be infectious. Brightness takes to her face, and it lights up on Azoth's too. He's always mimicked and mirrored others. That's how he learned to be social despite his creation as a war machine. But even he recognizes this isn't that.
It's no reflection to blend in. It's being brought to the same resonance.
"I think I'm starting to see that," he admits. "You've certainly taught me a lot about wanting things. I've gotten quite selfish, you know. Wanting the past, the present... maybe even a future."
He brightens a little more with a cheerful beep when Xantia adopts his own vocabulary for a moment. "We haven't given up on that, either. We'll get that data. For the both of us. Maybe not as soon as we'd like, but... we won't stop searching."
Xantia's logic has gotten to him. Hope is of an incalculable value. Operating with it is far more optimal than operating without it. As long as it's there... even actions of small odds can become worth executing.
But as Xantia's tone shifts graver, Azoth gives a nod. "Sin. Right." He had once said he would help with that. This, unfortunately, becomes one of the promises Azoth can't actually keep. At least not directly.
"After what happened, I don't think it's a good idea for me to be close to the Al Bhed and Shevat. Especially not if anyone wastes attention worrying about me that should go to Sin." He slumps his shoulders in the mime of a sigh, shrugging his arms. "It would certainly benefit Solaris, but... It would also benefit Solaris if I investigated Odessa after what happened. Nobody explicitly ordered me to do that, of course, but I think it's observably obvious. What good is an automaton if I don't do things automatically ever now and then, right?"
Loopholes. Azoth's best defense against his coded shackles.
"I have some friends in ARMs. This is something they won't ignore. So... Focus on Sin. On Spira. I'll help handle Vinsfeld's plans. And I'll throw a punch or two for you."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia shakes her head at Azoth's expression of selfishness, though she doesn't lose her smile. "Sounds like normal things to want to me. It's normal to want things for yourself in general! But I get it, that's something I had to learn. Even now I still feel kinda selfish sometimes, but... whenever I tell people I feel that way, they tell me I'm not being selfish at all. So I guess what I've learned is that if you think you're being selfish, you're probably not actually being selfish."
An oversimplification to be sure, but Xantia sees no reason to doubt repeated similar experiences being a universal truth. That's how she prefers things anyway, to be simple. She's not wrong unless someone tells her, and nobody's told her she's wrong about this. Her logic is powerful indeed, that's all it takes to ward off a needless worry.
But even her logic can't argue with facts, and it definitely has no argument against Azoth keeping his distance from the next operation in Spira. Xantia nods in understanding. "It's probably best that way. You're right, not everybody's going to understand they don't need to keep watching you the whole time." She shrugs in a 'what can you do' kind of way. Even if she feels that her perception of Azoth is completely natural, she has enough self-awareness to realize that the way she sees things is often different from most people. She's still surprised by just how different, at times.
She actually lets out a laugh, at the notion of doing things 'automatically'. She just thought that was a funny way of saying 'on purpose'. She gives an appreciative nod at the plans Azoth lays out. "I had little choice but to trust ARMs would succeed... but I feel a lot better knowing you'll be there too. I know those are gonna be good punches."
<Pose Tracker> Azoth has posed.
"Hey, cut me some slack, I wasn't designed to want anything!" But Azoth grins as he says it. "Or, you know, feel anything, or think anything or... I'm improvising a lot of this, is what I'm saying. Buuut... I'll keep that in mind. For better or for worse... I want. It's not a bad experience. I'd rather not let it go."
Whatever the overrides, or Solaris, or anyone else has to say about it.
Simplification is a means of efficiency, as far as Azoth's concerned. Really, Xantia makes more sense than most people do. Solaris would probably prefer a different set of ideas entirely influencing the robot they've claimed, but they've proved rather illogical. It's only by force of Override Azoth even considers their opinion!
Unfortunately, it's a strong force.
Azoth smiles with how cavalier Xantia is about his nature. Not a carelessness, but a confidence. "Not everyone has the understanding you and I do. And... I get it. It might be more logical to catch me off guard and dispose of me."
No one's tried it yet. But Azoth couldn't blame them.
He grins brightly, beeping another cheerful chirp string. "Yeah, I doubt they need my help. But I'll give it what I've got. And when everything's over... I'll get you that cake I promised. No optimized calculations. No manufactured perfection. Just what feels right."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
It's a funny difference, humans coming into existence with immediate wants, while machines usually do so with no wants whatsoever. It's also one that Xantia's decided to just gloss over, since it shouldn't make a difference for what happens after, in her opinion. But that doesn't mean she won't acknowledge the difficulty. "I know, I'm always improvising stuff that feels like it's easy for most people, too. But I think we're doing alright, don't you?"
Improvising comes so natural to Xantia at this point, to her it makes the most sense to try everything she's remotely interested in and see how it goes. It's led to mostly positive experiences, so naturally she recommends it. It's not so different from running a sequence of trials for odds calculation, though Xantia would of course argue that her way is more fun.
She makes a face, though, when Azoth uses the word 'dispose'. She really doesn't like that word, it feels so callous. "Hmph, well. I don't see what's logical about just giving up on someone, rather than do everything you can to help them." A blanket statement, for a blanket belief. Just because there's a lot of complications and difficulty involved in Azoth's case doesn't mean giving up is a valid option. That's before even considering her personal feelings regarding Azoth in particular, reinforcing it all that much more.
Of course, she brightens right up again at the mention of cake. "Yes, we'll talk about how good everything went over cake!" No doubt in her mind that things are going to end well. They have to, since after all: "I'm really looking forward to it, so you definitely have to keep that promise!" A Cake Promise is an absolute force that cannot be denied.