2018-03-22: A Little More Courage
- Log: A Little More Courage
- Cast: Riesenlied, Fei Fong Wong
- Where: Vane
- Date: 22nd March 2018
- Summary: Riese and Fei speak of dreams and memories.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied has been spending the last few days really helping to shape up the Wolfsbane tavern with the Wolves; she's growing increasingly concerned with Hammer still missing, and it may not be long before they have to go and attempt to locate the poor beastman seeking out the Fereshte for her.
But maintenance is important as well, and perhaps this is the first time Fei's seen her exercising -- she's holding a thin, curved sword with a steppe-like binding as she practices her kata. Her movements are a little sluggish, and her arms tremble a little as she manuevers -- the muscle memory is still there, but her body is becoming incapable of performing them well...
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei painted the sign. It naturally has a wolf baring its fangs on the side, wearing vines of wolfsbane (accurately depicted) around them. He helpfully encouraged Janey to lend a hand so there may be something goofy on the sign too.
Hammer's still missing. Fei is less worried. Information gathering is a tough business, he imagines, otherwise Hammer wouldn't charge so much. Still, as the days past, even his concern is growing. He can only hope that the best case scenario is that he found the Fereshte but it needs repairs quickly that he can provide, delaying his return. Hell, maybe he intends to bring the Fereshte back over to Vane.
But that's not why Fei is approaching Riesenlied. He looks thoughtful. Something has been on his mind as of late that he hasn't been talking about to anyone.
"It's hitting you harder." Fei says. "Movements are slower. It's hampering your forms."
He looks away for a moment before adding, "I can wait till you're done, but there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Janey thought the Wolf needs to not be too scary and that it's a tavern and a food and drink establishment, so the wolf also has a checkered neckerchief and a fork and knife.
Riesenlied-- blinks a few times, before wiping her brow with a towel she's brought to go, "Mister Fei? No, I..." She sets the curved sword down and sheaths it, setting it aside. "What is it?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei curls his fingers inward. He looks around a bit and adds, "Are you alone? I don't really...want it spreading out too much, you know? If one of the kids drops by unexpectedly..." Kids aren't exactly known for being great at keeping secrets. "Oh! Though... I liked Janey's addition to the sign, while I'm thinking about it. It's a civilized wolf. I like it." He chuckles a bit.
"I've been having...a situation. Elly knows a little bit about it but I haven't talked about it much to anyone else. But I feel I gotta talk to someone else, maybe get a fresh perspective. But it's pretty private, that's all."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied looks back towards the sign bashfully, and then thinks for a moment. "Mikaia just finished soup kitchen duty, so I think she's taking a nap, and Janey usually likes to take hers with her..." She smiles a bit warmer as she dabs the rest of her face, and sits down on a little stump.
"A situation...?" Riesenlied tilts her head. "No, if you'd like to speak with me... I'll respect your privacy, of course."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Right. Right." Fei says, and then laughs a little. "They're good kids, looking after one another like that. Lucky to have family like that. Though I guess, it's not really luck. They earned it."
He shakes his head. "Anyway, I've been having...dreams, I guess. For a while now. Actually, Ida knows about them too but uh...can't exactly talk to her about them now. I may have mentioned a little bit about it to you before, I honestly don't remember." He laughs a little. "Anyway..." He wrings his hands. "They're basically... I don't know if they're actual truthful visions, but so far they've seemed pretty accurate, but it's like I'm watching... a projection. And the projection shows past events, well past my lifetime, and every time..."
He trails off. This is something difficult for him to talk about.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied has a somewhat more distant smile, saying, "... they've had a tough life, despite being so young. I really want them to be able to grow and thrive, to the best of my ability." She nods at Fei, then the topic goes to the discussion of dreams...
"Dreams...?" Riesenlied tilts her head. "Ida knows..." A pause, and she glosses over that. "A projection of... past events?" She raises her eyebrows. "Is it like a vision brought from spirits in the world -- like the Guardians?" she has to guess...
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"...Yeah, to be honest I don't remember much of my past. I guess everything beyond four years ago. Don't remember it." Fei says. "But from how the people of Lahan found me, I have to assume uh...that it was also pretty tough. Their...cheer...is infectious."
Onto dreams(?)."I don't know," Fei says. "It could be." He closes his eyes for a moment before adding, "...But if it is, they're really good at being vague and unhelpful." He pauses. "So--" he stops himself. He needs to stop making those Guardian cracks just because they're popular to make. Cecilia is an important friend and it's unfair to her. Instead he adds, "They might not be able to make them clearer for me, if so." Nice save Fei.
"Like...I don't know if you went to the mystic ruins but they had something like that. It wasn't made the same, but--it's called a projector. Right--I asked Lemina about it. Apparently it's an old technology." He looks back over to Riese. "Anyway, if it was just the visions that'd be one thing. I could tkae that but...the weird thing is that I see people in them. People who look a lot like people I know. Like Elly, Ida...and please don't tell her but Lily now too. Usually it's something horrible. I've seen Elly die so many times." His right hand starts twitching and he grabs it with his other one as if to still it. "...I don't like to talk about it, but I figured you'd understand."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied is pretty used to cracks at the Guardians, but she wants to believe in them. And right now, she owes her life to multiple Guardians already, specially Odoryuk. "I was just wondering... since I do start to think that the Guardians may be related to so many of the voices I hear beneath the earth now..."
A sigh.
"Yes, I saw that projector... Lemina was with me," Riesenlied expresses. "...you've... seen-- Elly die..." A pause, as she drapes her own arms around herself too.
She bites her lip.
"That man that was chasing me," Riesenlied expresses. "The Demon of Elru." She sighs. "When I first connected with his mind, when I said I wanted to understand... his reaction was to inflict to me the sensation of... death. Death upon death upon death... I could not understand..."
Her expression fades a little.
"Sorry. That's not related..."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"I mean it couldn't have been Elly. But it looked like her," Fei says. "I figured maybe it was some ancestor. Names can pass down a surprisingly long time like that." There's actually plenty of other explanations he can think up but that's the simplest one."
He tilts his head. The Demon of Elru. People mention him all the time to him. Ask him if he is him, accuse him of being him, tell stories about him, but each and every time Fei has the same response. "Who?" But this time he does seem to remember a moment later. "Oh right, right. The man you were chasing."
He exhales for a moment. "One of these days I'll run into that guy and give him whatfor. What kind of animal derives pleasure from hurting others like that?"
He looks back to Riese and adds, "Sorry, if it's too difficult for you I can...shutup about it."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied shakes her head a bit more fervently. "No. I... well, I can't say I understand what it's like. But I do struggle with my share of mental problems as well," she gets out, even though it's visibly difficult. "And I know this. Contact with the Guardians. Voices from beneath the earth. The resonance of my brethren... and, memories I cannot comprehend clearly."
A deep and fatigued sigh. "... it's difficult sometimes, understanding what's real and what's in my mind-- hallucinations come and go, the nagging feeling of being detached from something that everyone else says is true..."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"I'm worried that chasing these dreams, these memories is partly why Ida became a hellion. I guess that's why I'm more careful about it now." He looks at the floor. "...I was wondering if... At first I thought maybe we should try to look into them but maybe...and I guess this is why I'm not sure it's the Guardians...maybe it'll be better if I ... just try to forget about it?" He tilts his head. "I've seen Xantia too, recover little bits of memories--it didn't make her happy. It hurt her. And she's still chasing them. Maybe we forgot these things for a reason. Whatever the 'truth' is there, it might not be worth it."
He looks up. "I guess you do know what it's like." He manages a small smile at that.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied looks a little confused. "Why... do you think that way? Miss Ida... she'd been dealing with a lot-- me included..." she doesn't know the full story, however. "... the same could be said of Filgaia, though. So many costly mistakes and horrible secrets are buried underneath our world."
She lowers her head. "When I struck out to Wayside, I knew there could be something underneath it. And we saw Hadal Temple and the horrible Primarch underneath... but--" she hesitates. "Perhaps it was for the better that we discovered it early rather than waited for an issue to fester..."
A soft exhale. "I suppose what I am saying is... I..." She pauses. "Spoken as someone who has been running away... it is time for me to face what I have not been able to understand all this time."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"I don't know," Fei says. "I feel like she was trying to measure herself up to some ancestor. Became obessessed with strength. I doubt that's the whole story, but it didn't help. I knew she was suffering but I couldn't help her."
It's a familiar feeling. Certainly, even this is hardly as potent as what happened in Lahan, but it's close. So many homes lost. "So many friends lost...right before my eyes." He shakes his head again. "...And in turn I've taken lives."
He doesn't sound happy about that. "...I had a vision of the Primarch too." He tells Riesenlied. "When he was...created."
He rubs at his face. "...And most recently... one of Lily or some ancestor of hers. We--They. They were talking about some strange project."
He lowers his hands. "...Like Filgaia huh?"
He looks around the fallen city of Vane. "..."
He then turns back to Riesenlied. "...I thought about staying here. Leaving Filgaia behind." He smiles faintly. "It has the malevolence, war, everything else... but it's still a lot safer for me than Filgaia would be. Less secrets taunting me, less painful memories that aren't mine."
He lowers his head. "...But that's the coward's way isn't it?" He smiles. "...I guess that makes me a coward. You know, you remind me so much of Elly. I don't think I could hate you if I tried." Pause. "Not that I'm gonna try. I guess that's why you two get along so well
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
"... the Reye Clan..." Riesenlied mumbles quietly, closing her eyes for a moment. A very gentle sigh. She plants her hands to her chest, as she thinks about homes lost... Old Petra. Wayside. Yet they persist, even though the Fereshte is missing...
"It's scary. It's scary to confront those memories... dreams..." Riesenlied shakes her head. "Maybe it's some kind of... power, like a-- postcognitive power?" She really can't talk about the technical side of this. "But... I remember being frightened when my empathic powers first manifested too."
She draws in a faint breath. "It's like what you said to me, when I was at my lowest... not everyone understands who they are right away. It's a journey." She looks to Fei. "I think it's okay to be afraid. It doesn't make you cowardly... we have those thoughts once in a while. Zed suggested that to me too, our moving here, to leave a planet that loathes us behind."
She bobs her head down. "But in our toughest times, that's why we have each other, right...?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei listens to Riesenlied's advice. She even has a suggestion as to what may be causing it. A postcognitive power? Fei doesn't understand what that word means, exactly, but the context suggests plenty. It does sound like Riesenlied has had similar experiences even if they might not be exactly the same.
"...Yeah, I guess it's natural to be afraid, especially of something like that. Empathy. The more you have of it, the more painful it is I imagine. There's so much pain in the world after all. And all of it wishes to be found, heard, and understood. I guess that's why that man you mentioned is so determined to 'share'." He looks up. "...But I guess there's a healthy way to share and an unhealthy way."
He laughs a little when he hears that Zed had the same suggestion, to just hide out on a planet where they weren't going to be hunted. It seems like Riesenlied isn't going to be taking that path. "You really are like her," He murmurs.
And then he smiles. "Heh...well, I guess I can say something useful once in a while. Alright, Riese. If you say so, I won't give up just yet. I mean, the pain hits hard, sure...but you know, the joys? They're greater as well. And I've got some unfinished business at least. I'll keep at it, Riese. As for the stuff about Lily.." He heistates. "...Please don't tell her yet. I need to...think about it first. Figure out how to tell her."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
"... we all... want to be found, heard, and understood, I think. And the pain inside of us grows more and more when we feel we are lost, when we aren't heard, when no one understands us. I think it's this principle that allows Malevolence to prey on some of us," Riesenlied admits. "... like that man, Garrett... I promised him I won't fail him again."
There's a quietly bashful look as she says, "I did say to Zed that I don't think that'll solve our problems. Call it a hunch, but... I really do think Lunar and Filgaia share a history. I don't think we can ignore one side of the coin for another."
She smiles even wider when Fei says he won't give up. "Yeah... I've seen you at your happiest when you're with Elly. You're inspiring too, you know? Both of you." She closes her eyes for a moment.
"Okay. I won't tell her..." a pause. "Though don't take too long. She's really perceptive, so she might figure you out as having something to say anyway."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Heh." Fei says. "I'm sure she already knows I'm not sharing something. It's honestly kind of ridiculous and that makes it harder to explain."
Garrett, Riese mentions. Fei frowns a little. "That man lost everything." He says. "...It's not the same thing as losing a lot. Truly, it's something to be haunted by but... To drive even Cecilia to such anger." He pauses. "...We have to save them somehow. While we still can."
Blushing faintly as Riese mentions Elly. "W--well. I already decided to not...ever apologize about it. It's hard not to worry, especially when I get visions like that, but...it doesn't have to end that way, you know? That's what keeps me going."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied nods with a quiet chuckle... and a more determined expression as she says, "I won't give up. I'll find as many ways to reach out to them, and to minimise the effects of the Malevolence upon them. I'm not going to lose hope."
She tilts her head, and-- nods slowly. "I do agree... and I want to see you both be happy." She lowers her head. "... talking with you has-- really helped me, Mister Fei. When we get back to Filgaia... I know what I must do."
She looks to him again. "I need to go back to Elru... to confront the memories that are still unclear to me. The memories of that day..."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei's eyes widen. "Wh--really?" He rubs the back of his neck and laughs a little again. You've made him bashful. "I just couldn't see you being so hard on yourself. I wish I could be as kind as you or Elly." He lets his hand drop. "Back to Elru huh? It might be harder to get there than it sounds, considering everything going on on that continent."
He lets his hand drop. "But I'll go with you. And maybe if I see you confronting your past, I can help. Or at least---get a little more courage to face whatever awaits me, too."
He smiles. "Thanks for hearing me out. It's good to have folks to talk to about this sorta stuff."