2018-11-21: In the Footsteps of the Destroyer
- Log: In the Footsteps of the Destroyer
- Cast: Xantia, Fei Fong Wong
- Where: Ruined Garlyle
- Date: November 21, 2018
- Summary: Xantia feels compelled to visit Garlyle, to see what Id wrought with her own eyes, and hoping against odds to maybe run into him. Instead, someone else comes looking for her...
=============================<* Ruined Garlyle *>============================= The ruins of Garlyle are a stark, frightful sight. Two disasters have left this kingdom with nary even a structure standing. The first, caused by some experiment of the Garlyle Military gone wrong, destroyed the capital and the countryside. The second was caused by the Civilization Destroyer, Id. The result is a blasted land: blackened and burnt landscape, which occasionally gives way to valleys of glass. Periodically, one can find a half-battered wall or the outline of a foundation here. Below ground, however, secrets may await... BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdDQJidmDwQ
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
The ruins of Garlyle. A desolate place, even by Elru's current standards. An ugly scar still visible after so many years. There's not much cause to be here except for the purposes of seeing the destruction of ages past with one's own eyes. But that wasn't quite the purpose in the mind of the current visitor, standing still and silently in the middle of the devastation of ages past, tattered Baskar traveling cloak the only thing that moves in the chilly breeze.
This may be a bit reminiscent of the day Fei first met Xantia. That time, she was standing out in the open fields a little ways out from Adlehyde. Similarly motionless and with closed eyes, a beacon of red standing out among all the green then, and all the white now. At least there aren't any bandits bearing down on her this time.
Even during their first meeting, they were already butting heads over their different point of view regarding their lost memories. But at the same time, it was clear that Xantia felt a connection over their similarities. Many of her decisions since were primarily based on the simple wish to follow Fei. Just how much was her fate altered by that one chance meeting?
Though having all the animation of a statue thus far, eventually Xantia's head lowers and she breathes out a small cloud of condensation. What was she expecting to find, coming here? Thinking about it now, even she doesn't know for sure. All things considered, it was very unlikely she'd ever been in Elru before, so there's probably nothing in the way of memories she might uncover here. And yet, the simple fact of this place having something to do with Id was enough for her to feel that she had to see it.
Well, now she has, and... has she learned anything particularly noteworthy? Does this actually change anything? Not really. She'd be lying if she claimed she hadn't been hoping for something that might help her find him, regardless of knowing how small a chance there would be of that. Who knows, it might be a place he still regularly visits, and he'd just happen to show up just as she was here. She chuckles to herself, shaking her head slightly. As if that would ever happen.
"...I wonder where you are now. If we all made it back here, I'm sure you did, too. So... we'll meet again, won't we?"
She's just talking to herself. It's not like there's anybody else around to hear her... right?
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Differing views of their memories aside, Fei wouldn't give up Xantia for anything. He does not have many friends and Xantia was one of the first he made since losing Lahan. She is important to him not because of the shared past they may have with one qnother but because of the future he wishes to build with her in it.
But she wants her memories. He can't blame her. Once upon a time he thought he may have wanted his too. Nevertheless, Id does not appear. Maybe he is still on Lunar.
"Looking for the Demon of Elru again?" Fei answers Xantia's question with his own as he steps out from behind some rubble. He must have just arrived, no doubt looking for her. It was expected she would be here.
Fei looks down for a moment, looking conflicted. "I..." He begins, trails off, then adds, "You really care about him, huh?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Perhaps Fei expected Xantia to be here, but Xantia was not expecting Fei at all. She's not generally too easy to take by complete surprise, but that seems to be what happened this time, if the squeak she lets out is any indication. Whirling about, she bears the surprised expression one would expect to see following that, which soon fades as she breathes out with a hand on her chest. "Oh, Fei... you surprised me," she confirms the obvious. "When did you get here?"
It only takes that amount of time for a smile to appear, Xantia answering readily enough. "Wow, you could tell? I guess I'm getting predictable. Or you just know me really well." That's enough to make her feel happy. After all the distress in the past stemming from the realization that nobody knew her at all, it's actually a huge comfort to her, knowing there's people out there who are familiar with her to that degree.
She pauses a moment before answering the next question however. Not because she isn't just as ready to talk about it freely as she is about most things, but because she notices that Fei seems to be feeling down about something. It's because of that that she tones the cheer down a notch, and ventures a guess at the reason. "...I do. Does that bother you?"
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei manages a smile. "Just made it. It felt like we hadn't talked much since getting here so I thought maybe I could remedy that." He shakes his head. "When I couldn't find you I figured you came hete."
He approaches, hands in pockets. He looks pensive which is rarely a good sign. He smiles. "Well, big hearts like yours are easy to read. Don't even need glasses."
He looks up when Xantia asks that last question, suddenly hesitant.
"Um. That's a good question." He rubs his neck with his hand. "He did this, you know? Thanks to that the Metal Demons and the Veruni have near control of this entire continent."
Fei lowers his hand. "I don't understand why you do. I was hoping you could explain it to me. It seems strange, someone as kind as you caring for someone who hurts so many."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia has a momentary pensive look of her own when she considers that, despite the fact that they're here for a very important reason, she's... still doing the same thing, isn't she? Still going off on her own a lot, on whatever whim or interesting tidbit comes her way. It makes it all the more impressive that Fei managed to tell which factor was leading her actions this time.
Well, to Xantia herself it's impressive, at least. It's not like she hasn't been talking about Id every chance she gets. She doesn't even notice the changes in her own behavior most of the time.
"That's true, but I haven't been avoiding you or anything!" she's quick to clarify. "I just thought... well, you all are probably busy with the planning and things like that. All I can do is fight, so I'm just waiting to be told what to do. I did beat up some Metal Beasts on the way here! ...No idea what they were doing, but Leon said I could punch most things I come across here, so I did!"
Don't count on her to figure out enemy objective and patrol routes or anything like that. She's just going to fall back on the old standby way to make herself feel useful. It's pretty clear that Xantia doesn't handle calms before the storm very well. Bring on the storm already, at least it's more obvious what she can do to help in one of those.
Next is the subject of Id, and while one may expect the real waterfall of words to start there... Xantia is actually rather quiet this time. She only nods to affirm that she knows what Id's done here. And when asked to explain, she wears a complicated expression. Somewhere in between forlorn and deep in thought. That probably already confirms that she doesn't disagree that this is strange and doesn't quite understand it herself, before she finally manages to put together an answer.
"I'm not sure if I can explain it very well, but... I just can't feel angry at him for what he does. I feel like... he has reasons, they're just reasons that most people can't understand. I don't either, but... even if I don't understand, I want to be understanding. ...If that makes sense."
Very little of this probably does, she feels like. She thinks a moment longer, then tries again, turning to face the cold breeze, with not so much as a shiver. "...You know that he has to be really, really old, right? I can't even imagine what that must be like, having experienced so much. With as few memories as I have, I don't feel like I can even understand most people who look like they might be my age. It feels... really lonely."
She turns her head back to Fei, her expression making her words easy to predict, as is so commonly the case. "That's really sad, don't you think? Wouldn't you want people to at least try to understand you? I wouldn't be who I am now if you and the others hadn't done that. I wouldn't have felt like I have anything I belong. I would've kept feeling like I was alone, no matter how many other people are around." She looks off into the distance. "I don't want anybody to feel that way."
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei smiles faintly. "Leon's a wise man." Like Layna, of course, though maybe it's more accurate to say Leon is wise and Layna merely has the best ideas. Usually involving that flask of hers, to be clear. "I didn't think you were avoiding me, don't worry. I'm not really all that different there. Sometimes I like to just be by myself and think. Or paint. Or just let myself be alone. Not that I want to be alone, or be lonely, but sometimes the world is too much so I look inward instead."
Part of that is probably not really like Xantia but the effect is the same. "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be making our move soon. If only because...we can't wait much longer, heh."
"Um, does he?" Fei asks. "I guess a lot of people like him tend to be old, but if he was so old I have to wonder how there could be much of a Filgaia at all at the moment."
He looks out over the ruined landscape. Land that may never heal thanks to the actions of just one man. Not even a demon to hear of it, just a very angry person.
"It makes sense," Fei says. "Though I don't think I could do the same. All I'd be able to think about is whatever his reasons, his ability to take it out on everyone around him--people who had nothing to do with whatever's hurting him--I don't think I could be understanding. He is lucky to have someone like you who wants to give him that opportunity. I hope he sees it for what it is."
He approaches Xantia, resting a hand on her shoulder, smiling faintly.
"I know I don't always understand you, Xan. But I understand you are a creature of great empathy. I worry about it hurting you, but if anybody can understand anyone, it'd be you."
He looks out into the distance again. "..."
He looks down a bit. "...I don't know." He admits. He's not sure he wants to be understood. He's not sure he doesn't want to be understood. What if understanding him is like a poison?
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia doesn't actually think this is very similar at all, which she displays by looking more and more confused by what Fei is saying. She's always chasing some kind of purpose, having to be alone with her own thoughts is something she'd rather avoid as much as possible. Looking inward sucks when what you tend to notice about it most are the parts that are missing. And let's not even get into painting, best not let her touch any art supplies.
It doesn't matter in the end though, she nods all the same. "I guess we all have our... things that we do." It's not very eloquent, but true enough, right? "I just can't think of too many things to do right now, this place is..." 'Not very interesting' feels like a mean thing to say, knowing all the bad things that happened in Elru. She settles on, "...kind of empty."
She lets the matter of Id's age rest - she could try to explain how everything she's heard doesn't add up if Id were anywhere near the age he appears to be, but those details ultimately don't matter. What matters is, "See, that proves he doesn't go around destroying things all the time." And thus, she has successfully proved her point that Id has reasons for what he does, by providing information that she doesn't have any actual evidence for. Maybe her hidden past includes law school.
When Fei doubts he could as she does, Xantia nods a bit, admitting, "I don't know if it's the right thing to do. But it's what I want to do. It feels... meaningful. I don't know how he sees it, but I'm sure of one thing. He doesn't want to kill me." She laughs a bit, in spite of herself. "It's weird how happy that makes me. I usually don't care about that, I mean... fights are usually better when your opponent is trying to kill you."
This is probably one of those things that Fei is not going to understand, and who could blame him. Xantia's perception of things can be... unusual. She certainly never saw herself an being a creature of empathy, not in the least place because she's not sure what that means. But she understands the thought behind it, at least. "I'll be okay, Fei. I can handle being hurt, if it helps to make something good happen." She probably meant a more physical pain than Fei did, but that too is just what Xantia is like.
Fei's final reaction however may be the thing that Xantia's understood the least today. It's gonna be a self-fulfilling prophecy at this rate, making himself hard to understand so that he can't be understood. Though whether that's a good thing or not is debatable since this is obviously just going to make Xantia more adamant. "Of course you do! Being understood is always better than being not understood. Understanding is fear's greatest bane! Peace by force is inferior to peace by understanding! Understanding is the first step to acceptance, without which there can be no recovery!"
She has plagiarized sayings for anything, doesn't she? Especially things that she already believed to begin with.
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
"Heh, well, just because I want peace doesn't mean I think understanding me is the path to that. If I were a princess, maybe, but fortunately I am not a head of state," Fei says. "And I don't think I'd be able to have peace with someone like Alhazred, not after what he's done, even though I feel like I understand him quite well."
Still, he's relieved that Xantia can handle being 'hurt' because he suspects that she will be. It's hard to live a life like hers and not get hurt. He tries not to dwell on this thought.
"I guess that's true." He admits about Id not destroying things all the time. "But I guess that leaves the question." He looks back out over Garlyle. "...What makes him do it? And why?"
Noeline said it reminded her of Lahan.
Fei closes his eyes and doesn't say much else.
But he does say this: "I don't think it's weird that makes you happy at all."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
"Oh that's fine, you should punch Alhazred until he explodes," comes Xantia's immediate response to that. She's comfortable with having double standards. "That's not the point though!" But Fei's got what the point was, she's pretty sure. Sure enough to not persist in trying to make him believe in the value of being understood. For now. She's going to dwell on that as little as she dwells on the possibility of getting hurt, she'll deal with it whenever it happens to come up.
"I don't know," is her just as immediate response on Id's possible reasons. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to understand his reasons. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk him out of anything he wants to do. What I can do... is fight him every time he does something I don't agree with. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to stop him that way. Or maybe he'll just get tired of having to put up with me all the time."
She's no immovable object, but what if an unstoppable force keeps hitting a really dang persistant object, that's an interesting experiment, isn't it? Another chuckle escapes her as she considers the possibilities. She can't help but look forward to the next encounter, in whatever form it takes. Most people might find it hard to look on the bright side of mass destruction, but Xantia seems capable of managing even that. And if people like Fei don't find that weird, who is she to argue?
<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.
Fei nods. Liking Id is one thing, but Alhazred represents another epoch of cruelty. He will have no qualms about crushing his skull with his fingers should it come down to it.
"Maybe one day you'll reach him," Fei says. "Might not be anytime soon, but who am I to judge?" He dips his head. "Thank you for explaining this to me. It's a bit of a weight off my shoulders, heh." He smiles. "I'm gonna head back. You want to come with?"
Most people might find it hard to look on the bright side of destruction, but Fei doesn't find it weird at all that Xantia is not most people.