2019-01-22: The Importance of the Past
- Log: The Importance of the Past
- Cast: Riesenlied, Xantia
- Where: New Petra
- Date: 22nd January 2019
- Summary: Xantia visits New Petra and meets with Riesenlied.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
New Petra has been a rather busy community in the past month -- with the rescuing of the Tainted from the Gutter, it's gotten bigger and more bustling than ever before. It's a fond sight, perhaps; Xantia can see on her wanderings through to see Riesenlied a lot of united families who plainly look like they haven't seen each other for more than a year.
Families that lived under the threat of the Gutter, without a measure of hope for the future. And now... seeing a Hyadean father carry his son over his shoulders while an Azadian from Lunar helps them along--
It's perhaps the first sign of a blossoming flower from the seeds of the Tainted.
Riesenlied is in the midst of this -- she hasn't been well, she arguably still isn't; but that hasn't dampened her spirits. The Hyadean is usually not terribly far from Noeline, but at this point she's pushing herself on her wheelchair slowly as she heads down to greet some of the people staying out in the nearby caravans.
There's a warm smile as she waves and bows her head back to people.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Many have already visited New Petra since the return to Elru. Xantia hasn't been back here until today. The sight of the refugees thriving in the face of adversity would probably have felt a lot more heartwarming to her before the events at the Photosphere than they do right now. Right now, she feels a little bit like an intruder here. Not through any fault the inhabitants, they're perfectly nice and welcoming. It's just that at the moment, this causes no small amount of mixed feelings that Xantia has yet to sort out. Going to see Riesenlied may be a step in the right direction in that regard.
The meeting is almost by accident - Xantia was looking, but wasn't expecting to run across Riesenlied right in the middle of the street, quite soon after her arrival. She doesn't even notice until she's gotten within spitting distance, in fact, blanching a bit at the sudden, almost literal run-in. "Riese..?"
Almost immediately, her hand raises to her mouth. Xantia has never been good at hiding her emotions, quite obviously distressed at the state the Hyadean is in. "Oh, you're still..." She doesn't finish the sentence, but it's plain enough that she wasn't expecting to find Riesenlied still in a wheelchair. Her concept of recovery time is far from the typical to begin with, but she really thought that this would be enough time for clearly visible improvement.
Somewhat recomposing herself, she instead continues, "Are you... doing any better?" When she can't tell by eye, nothing for it but to ask straight out.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied blinks a few times as she hears someone calling her name.
Her horns wiggle upwards and literally point in Xantia's direction, before she stares up at them like there's a dotted arrow pointing the martial artist out. "Oh!"
She smiles just a little warmly and-- lowers her head a little at Xantia's reaction, pushing the wheelchair slowly as she moves over a gap on some wooden planks. New Petra's been more accessible than ever, but a sandy badland is still a sandy badland...
"I'm-- managing," she smiles warmly. She looks more... draconic than before, with more scales covering her skin and deforming it where they reach, and her legs just flat out look the part with how they end in clawed talons now. "It's been very busy here, so it's been endearing to see how everyone's doing..."
She pauses for a moment, adjusting the shawl around her neck where she's hiding the grafted Life Medium -- but there's still some wiring peeking out at the base of her chin.
"Have you been doing okay too, Xantia...? I-- am sorry I didn't come to catch up with you sooner, after all that has happened."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Much like she doesn't hide her emotions, Xantia doesn't hide the way she eyes Riesenlied over. It's mostly just curiosity - she has no idea what any of these changes mean. It just doesn't feel particularly... good, any of it. Unless Riese wants to be a dragon, but that's not the impression she got when she saw that happen last time.
That judgment is easily superceded by anything that Riese herself might say about it though. 'Managing' isn't exactly the most positive word, but taken at face value and with her eternal optimism, it's interpreted to mean that things aren't getting any worse, so that much is a relief. Xantia smiles and regains a least a bit of cheer as a natural result.
"Yeah, it sure looks busy!" She looks about a little, though those mixed feelings are still there, and she quickly refocuses on the wheelchaired Hyadean before her. "I, uh, I hope that's helping you a bit!" She feels awkward for some reason, that's pretty clear.
Then Riesenlied asks about her, and Xantia just stares for a moment, dumbfounded. "...Wait, /you're/ sorry? For /that/? You can't move around very easily like that, I was never expecting..."
She trails off, then shakes her head. That's not what she really wanted to say. "I'm the one who's sorry. I was kind of worried you'd be mad at me. I could've..." She looks away for a moment. "...Well, I could've at least tried to help you. I just didn't think there was anything I could do to help. I'm only good at fighting, so... I went off to fight."
That didn't just happen with Riese, either. It was likely perceivable that there was a positive response from Xantia to Riesenlied's mental pleas, both when it was about herself, and when it was about Fei. But both times, she didn't follow through with it, instead going off to deal with things in the way she knows. And now, she feels guilty about it.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Does Riesenlied want to be a dragon?
For much of her life, it's been a point of contention between her and her creators. A failed Metal Dragon, who couldn't even transform or be anything resembling one. Not even a lizard or a cretin; just a pure failure.
But now... perhaps, it's more terrifying than ever.
To wake up in an increasingly alien body that scarce feels like it's yours.
"Hehe... it is," Riesenlied answers on whether it's helping or not. "Spending time with friends and family always lifts me up... I've had a couple of Drifters pass by. The Wolves, too -- Mister Leon's been spending a lot of time in the hangar, Miss Lily's been helping me with physical therapy... Fei and Elly have been around too."
There's a quiet pause, before she shakes her head with a bashful smile. She looks up to Xantia's eyes again. "Do you mean at the... time with the Photosphere, with Id?"
She tilts her head, the smile dying down just a little.
"I... just tried to do what I thought I could. I couldn't fight or stop him physically... I couldn't even stand. I would not be angry or upset at you, just the opposite."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Of course, if you asked Xantia her opinions about that, the only aspects she would think about is how cool the dragon looks and how awesome it is to fly. If she could stop thinking about what dragons might taste like long enough to get to the point at all.
For the moment, it's increasingly difficult for Xantia not to feel guilty, since Riesenlied is pointing out what she well knows: many are spending a lot of time here to give support to Riese, and she hasn't been. Not just because of her feeling awkward already, but also for the same reason as she gave before. All she can do is fight. It's hard to feel like she's making a difference unless she's fighting. It's usually a silent concern, but not imperceivable. Even now, the way she idly balls and uncurls her fists as she listens may be hinting at something in that area.
The name Id gets a response, as always. Xantia seems to light up whenever he's mentioned. But it doesn't last long this time, because she shakes a hand to interrupt, "No, no, not that!" She pauses, then corrects herself, "...Well, yes, also that." She wasn't really thinking of putting the emphasis there, but it is true.
Crossing her arms, she looks down a moment and sighs before she continues. "You're always thinking of everybody else first. What about you? You were in a lot of trouble too. I saw it happen. I know Lily went to help you. But I didn't go with her. Not because I don't care, I just..." She unfurls her arms, turning her right hand palm-up as if trying to grasp something. She has no idea how to explain this, but she'll give it a shot.
"I don't understand how to... 'reach' people the way you do. The way Lily can. Not even the way most other people can. I feel like, if I tried... I only would've hurt you. Or worse."
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied pauses, before-- she lowers her head and settles down for a moment as she places her hands to her lap. She glances to the way she squeezes her fists, for a moment, the way she shakes her head and corrects herself of Id.
"Well, if I were perfectly honest... a lot of people who went to help me had to stomach very difficult feelings that it may not have been possible. Avril made a resolve that I wouldn't envy anyone to have to do... so did Miss Lily, when she brought the Golem Sado."
She didn't bring a Golem for friendship's reasons, after all.
"But... also, someone has chided me for that too, you know. It's something I'm trying to improve on too, to look after myself better," Riesenlied scratches her cheek for a moment, the talon on her finger brushing up against her scale.
How does one reach people? She thinks about it for a moment...
"I think it's normal to feel afraid to reach out because you might hurt people... I've struggled with those feelings too," Riesenlied looks up to the skies for a moment. "But-- um--"
She bobs her head as her horns wiggle again.
"It's taken me a long time to try to overcome that fear, and I fail sometimes too. And I think... I remember you've done a lot for me too, even if it might not feel that way. You know?"
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia tilts her head at the notion that saving Riesenlied may not have been possible. She never once considered that. Of course she didn't, when has she ever believed that something was impossible? Her blank expression speaks volumes - she's completely failed to understand what Riese is getting at with regards to what Avril and Lily may have been thinking. Which seems to be fine with her, as she doesn't ask for clarification.
Instead, she focuses on the point of Riese trying to look after herself better, nodding in approval. "Well, good! You can't help anybody unless you're in good shape!"
She instantly feels bad about the way she phrased that. "Oh, I didn't mean... well, you should get all better of course, but you can still help people right now, too! I mean just look around!" She gestures wildly, just trying to get the focus off what must be a painful subject.
When it comes to her personal area of concern, she quickly turns more pensive than before, treating the matter with all due seriousness. "Hm. Well, I'm mainly just worried that I can't figure anything out, so I'll do what I always do when I have no better ideas and just start punching things again." No, really, that's what being completely serious is like for her sometimes.
Riesenlied's claim that she's done things to help prompts a puzzled expression, Xantia trying to think back to anything she might have done back there. It should surprise no one that what she arrives at is a fight she was involved in. "Oh, right, I did punch Alhazred real good back there. Did that help?" It's a rhetorical question. She punched a bad guy, of course that helps.
It also reminds her of something else. "...I heard he was down there too, where you were, and about what happened. He's dead now, right? You're sure he's dead?" The way she asks that, it's like she needs the reassurance. Looks like Alhazred gave Xantia cause for worry.
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
Riesenlied shrinks just a little bit as she instinctively brings her hand to her neck. It's a common tic of Riesenlied's when she's nervous already, but the mention of Alhazred seems to have particularly reminded her...
Well.
"I remember... it was more than a year ago, in the Guardian Temple. We-- were fighting, but you took the time to give me a hug even after all that's happened... you told me to not give up... before we had to evacuate inside," she bashfully says.
"It helped me a lot. I was at a very low period... I was not certain where my path would take me. But it helped guide me forward to what eventually became Wayside."
She breathes for a moment, trembling a little. "Alhazred... um--"
She glances aside. "In that draconic form he forced me into... I think I may have--" Riesenlied looks at a loss, gesturing with a kind of 'woosh' gesture. "Let loose a breath-weapon on him. I uh-- I don't--"
Riesenlied lowers her head. "I think he's dead. I think I killed him. As far as I know. I--"
She clams up afterwards. Even if it's a genuinely horrible person, who visited so much pain and abuse on her, she's still deeply uncomfortable talking about violence and-- well, murder, it seems.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia imitates Riesenlied's gesture, running her hand past her own neck. That happens sometimes, it's mostly subconscious. She does have something that surrounds her own neck, of course... but in spite of how uncomfortable it looks, on the few occasions it isn't mostly hidden beneath her cloak's fastenings, she doesn't really notice that the metal choker without a clasp is there most of the time.
"What? You were talking about way back then?" Xantia is perplexed. she remembers, of course, she's not about to forget anything ever again. But that was such a long time ago. Half her memories ago. It slips even her mind sometimes, but this just proves how important the past is, doesn't it? To know that things you did long ago have a lasting effect on the present... It makes her happier than she could properly express. The way she does express it is much like how she commonly expresses herself, with a bright smile.
"Wow, I helped that much? That's great! I mean, I remember that, you didn't look like you wanted to do what you were doing at all, so I just wanted to let you know it's okay. If you don't want to hurt anybody, you can't possibly be a bad person."
You can always count on Xantia to think of things in the most uncomplicated way possible. Case in point, on the matter of Alhazred, all she has to say is: "Good! That's what he gets for doing those horrible things to you."
The confusing thing here is that Riesenlied seems upset about that. Sparing yourself and others any future misery by killing a big bad guy seems perfectly sound, Xantia sees no problem here. So when she gets silence in return, she wonders aloud, "Did I say something wrong?"
<Pose Tracker> Riesenlied has posed.
"N-no, it's just... well, I am still reeling at the kind of devastation I visited, perhaps?" Riesenlied has a somewhat weak answer to Xantia. There's a deeper breath as she pauses to push the thought to one side, as the entire incident is surrounded by uncomfortable reminders of her time as the Ley Dragon.
She draws in a breath, but smiles quietly to say, "But... thank you. I didn't want to hurt anybody, certainly..." But her hesitation, her lingering faith to Mother at the time, her familial connection and desire to her father...
She still hasn't forgiven herself for Adlehyde or Arctica, as a result, perhaps.
There's a quiet glance to Xantia's choker for a moment... but she pauses as she remarks, "But... that's... kind of what I mean. I felt very helped with how earnest you felt, and that helped buoy me. Little by little... those gestures, those efforts from everyone-- they all help."
She hears a little bell and says, "Ah, I think that's the lunch bell... would you like to have some food with us, Xantia?" with a smile, as she begins shifting her wheel again. It might be a bit tough for her to go up a ramp.Ļ