2019-08-12: Ragnell the Life Coach
- Log: 2019-08-12: Ragnell the Life Coach
- Cast: Ivan, Seraph Ragnell
- Where: Macalania
- Date: August 14, 2019
- Summary: Ragnell catches Ivan moping about his predicament with Lydia and tries to help him forge an identity... or learn to believe he has one.
================================<* Macalania *>================================= The Macalania region is home to two ancient, crystalline formations of unsurpassed mystery and beauty. The first is the Macalania Woods - a shining maze-like forest overseen by strange, ancient, birdlike Beastmen who speak in bizarre riddles and weave light like silk. The second is Lake Macalania - an eternally frozen lake surrounded by snowy crevasses, which one can just see the frozen Temple beneath. Macalania is a distant, remote region -- and full of its own dangers. BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jz644GeAdE
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan has fled an encounter with Lydia Seren!!
Not only has the Festina Lente become a hypothetically viable place to flee to, but Ivan happens to be carrying a probably very breakable gift for Katherine that he should probably drop off before disaster befalls it.
When he arrives, he finds the place seemingly empty -- perhaps Katherine is out with Talia? At any rate, this apparent alone-ness causes Ivan to behave in the following manner:
1) Enter house.
2) Deposit box safely on table.
3) Sink slowly to the floor with a sigh like a deflating balloon.
4) Deposit face on table next to box.
5) ???
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
5) would be when Ragnell barges into the Festina Lente like she owns the place, which she doesn't, but her sister does, so same difference. "Sis? Hey, Sis, you in?" she calls, looking around the spacious, elegantly furnished and decorated walls. There's no response. Ragnell frowns, but shuts the door behind her anyway. If it comes to that, she can leave a note for her. This is information she needs to get.
As she enters further in, though, she catches sight of a certain young assassin, knees on the floor, face-down on the table. One of Ragnell's eyebrows quirks up. "Uh. Whatcha doin' there, Ivan?" she asks as she slowly approaches. What's he *got* there, for that matter? A safe? Huh. What's he got in there...?
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan bolts up again at the sound of Ragnell's voice.
"What?? Nothing! Resting?"
It's... true after a fashion??? It was more like Ivan straight up powered down and ceased operations for a moment.
"What are YOU doing?" But... Ragnell isn't doing anything weird...
The box is made of some sort of sturdy paper and actually looks like a fancy restaurant carryout box. Because, in fact, that's what it is.
"Uh, I was just dropping this off. It's kind of leftovers but we thought it was too nice to eat and that Katherine might like it or it could cheer her up a little with the stuff going on..."
He mumbles through this explanation and doesn't quite specify who 'we' is.
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
Ragnell's raised eyebrow does not lower.
"I'm stoppin' by to see my sister," she replies, resting her hands on her hips. "An', word to the wise, but if you yelp 'nothing! What are YOU doing?' like that, it makes you sound super suspicious." She stops next to the table and inspects the goods. Sure enough, as Ivan explains, it looks like a carryout box from some local restaurant. Huh! Would you look at that.
Unluckily for Ivan, Ragnell has good hearing. *Very* unluckily for Ivan, Ragnell has a nose for the exact details you don't want other people nosing after too hard. She looks from the take-out box to Ivan. "Well, that's right kind of you, Ivan." A beat. "Who's 'we'?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ragnell suggests to Ivan he not yelp super suspicious stuff when surprised. Ivan's defeated slouch in response suggests it may be a bit over-optimistic to assume he has full conscious veto power out of that kind of stuff when it comes out of his mouth...
Within the box is... a house made of sugar! It is treat specifically from a certain Shoopuf Ride and Appetizer Tasting experience thing which has become popular in recent days. Ragnell may or may not be familiar with it.
" 'We' is... ... ... me and Lydia," he admits, as if confessing to a crime.
"But it's not what it sounds like!! Or... or maybe it was but it wasn't meant to be! I was just trying to apologize for stabbing her but I think I accidentally went on a date with her because she kissed me at the end."
The fact that his hand hovers over his cheek in accompaniment to this confession suggests that the shocking kiss in question was not even on the lips.
Apparently this is what you have to deal with today Ragnell, sorry.
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
Ragnell just clucks her tongue when the young assassin slouches. Poor, poor Ivan. He's kind of a sadsack, isn't he? "I know I'm all 'bout doin' as I please an' all, but you might wanna learn some self-control, boyo," she advises him. "Ah, but you didn't want me lecturin' you, right? Sorry, sorry, never mind."
For all that, though, Ivan goes on to... tell her the truth! Or at least she assumes it's the truth, because it's way more embarrassing than any lie would be. She peeks into the box and sees a sugar house, and nods in approval. She was out by the Shoopuf earlier that week, fishing with Elly, and saw the treats around then. She'd been too busy with said fishing to actually try any of them, but... Maybe she can convince Amaranth to let her have some.
"You're really bad at makin' excuses," she remarks to Ivan as she looks the sugar house over without actually removing it. "Or maybe you're just willfully dense. I think we went into all that last time, though, so whatever." She looks up at him. "So, what're you plannin' on doin' with this 'accidental dating' thing you got goin' on with Lydia?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan's expression turns spiteful at the recommendation to 'learn some self control' -- he is less a person who carelessly says and does whatever he wants and more one who has tried to close off all relief valves to the point where he has begun to experience catastrophic pressure bursts. The question about how he plans to fix it all doesn't improve his demeanor.
"...Do I seem like I've got a 'plan' yet to you?" She found him faceplanted on a table!
"I was trying to back off but I just keep getting closer instead! Even if I had a plan, would I even follow it??" Maybe he really does need to learn self control?? He thought he was really really under control...
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
"I was tryin'a' give you the benefit of the doubt, Mr. My Life Is In A Downwards Spiral An' That's Just How I Like It," Ragnell replies, pulling up a chair and sitting opposite him. She leans her cheek on one hand, not at all perturbed at Ivan's spiteful, contrary expression. Really, she was expecting it. That's why she's trying to ease up on him. ...Sadly, she's not much better at it.
His explanation gets him a squint. "You were trying to back off... by taking her out to dinner?" she replies, sounding skeptical. "You have no concept of how to interact with others, do you?" She clucks her tongue. "Though, in Lydie's case, you're probably doomed anyway. There's some people where you can't get 'em to give up on you no matter how hard you want 'em to."
Not to mention Ragnell really doubts Ivan actually wants Lydia to give up on him, or else he wouldn't have *taken her out to dinner*. Honestly!
"That bein' said," she continues, "is gettin' closer to Lydie really such a bad thing? She's been through a lot herself, y'know, an' she's tough an' smart--in her own way--to boot. I don't think you need to worry about her gettin' hurt."
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"I know that taking her to dinner isn't backing off!! That's what I mean about not following my own plans!"
It's quite true that he doesn't have any good functional concept of how to interact with people, and he doesn't even look mad when she says that part -- in fact some of the existing anger dissipates as if with relief to be accused of things with more justice to them.
Is gettin' closer to Lydie really such a bad thing?
"It's not about hurting her -- I mean, maybe it sort of is, I don't want to do that either, but it's about -- other things. It's really hard to explain. It's not that I'm bad and dangerous and will get people hurt if they're too close to me, it's that I'm... I'm not a person!"
He holds up and waves his hands a bit to stop her from responding right away because he knows from having said that a few times before that people tend to read into it what they think it means and it usually isn't the right thing.
"I know a lot of people who have done terrible things they weren't proud of. And they keep telling me, 'well I was where you are, so we're basically the same!' But they're all people. They're... interesting and great. They have opinions and things they care about and personalities that being murderers didn't stomp out."
He makes a plaintive gesture. "But I'm not like that, I just kind of hid from the outside world. Go in, kill somebody, get out. You know?? Maybe I could have become somebody if I had actually run off and tried to make a life, but I didn't do that. I gave up on doing that. I'm just a conduit for shitty orders, I'm a weapon, there's nobody in here for her to get to know."
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
"Well, okay," Ragnell concedes, leaning back a little when Ivan snaps back about that not being his plan. "As long as you're aware of it." It's one thing to be a hypocrite, but it's another to not be *aware* you're a hypocrite. Ragnell knows this very well.
He does seem to be calming down a little, though Ragnell isn't quite sure why. She remembers her most recent conversation with Talia, in which she straight-up asked her about Ivan's issues and how their father might have affected them. What Ivan actually comes out with, though, is rather unexpected. It's just as well Ivan holds out his hands to signal her to give him a chance to explain, because she would've had some Words for that.
So she listens. She listens, and she grows steadily more incredulous. On one level, she does get what he's driving at. She understands what it is he's trying to convey. She's met people like that a long time ago. People who weren't people, who were just living conduits for awful orders. On the other hand...
She rests a hand over her mouth, thinking of that girl she fought yesterday, the one the robot called 'Master.' She positively *exploded* when Ragnell conceded that her robot friend was right and she liked fighting, but she didn't like fighting them because fighting them was no fun, because she was absolutely incensed that Ragnell should see them as entertainment with no worth beyond that. Meanwhile, Ivan here is disparaging himself because he feels like he's *not* entertaining, that he's just a living tool for murder with nothing more going on than that. She takes a moment to appreciate the kaleidoscope of human experiences.
"I get what you're sayin'," she says, splaying her fingers across her cheek and chin. "You're sayin' you're nothing more than a puppet dancin' on the strings your father strung you from. That you're hollow. An' once Lydia realizes how hollow you are, she'll be cripplingly disappointed. Is that right?" She waits long enough for his response; then she sighs with eyes shut, gives an exaggerated shrug, and shakes her head. "Boy, the only hollow thing about you is your head."
Then she cracks an eye open and waits for his reaction.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"I guess that's what I'm saying!" Ivan is never confident when he tries to put this into words that he's said it right or that other people could understand what he's getting at. It's more of a nebulous weight he carries around than a concept with a clean and tidy verbal explanation.
Upon hearing him accept the premise, she... dismisses it outright and calls him a dummy.
Ivan's face goes blank and he's silent for a few beats.
"Maybe I didn't explain it right after all," he mumbles.
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
"..."
Ragnell folds her hands and rests her elbows on the table. "Could be," she concedes calmly. "Like you said, this is hard for you to put into words. One o' th' hardest things in this world is to make others understand your internal experiences. You sure didn't seem satisfied with my take on it either, if your reaction to it was a half-hearted 'I guess.'
"So, go ahead and give it another go. Maybe try usin' an example, or a parallel, or somethin' like that. I've got time enough, and I'm prepared to listen until you can get it across to your satisfaction."
And then she falls silent, expectantly, until Ivan has said his piece anew.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan is silent for a while too. He crosses his arms tight and seems to think about it for a long time.
But instead of rephrasing the original assertion with fresh words, he asks with a face that suggests that saying the words feels like chewing on needles:
"Why don't you think I'm hollow?"
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
"Hmm? I'm pretty sure we went into that last time we spoke," Ragnell said. "But I get why it might not've sunk in. It's hard to believe somethin' about yourself just 'cuz someone else says it, right?" She points a finger at him. "According to you, you have no personality an' nothin' interestin' about you. You just go and kill who you're told to kill. Because o' this, or so you're sayin' you believe, you are 'hollow,' or in other words, 'boring.'
"Except you're not happy with that. You struggle against it. Part of you may've given up, sure, but not *all* of you." She turns that hand away to gesture at the take-out box. "Think about it. Would a boring, no-personality doll do somethin' like bring an acquaintance a leftover dessert? Even if it was Lydie's idea an' not yours, would a hollow, no-personality doll ask an acquaintance out to dinner, completely contrary to its own plans?"
Ragnell folds her hands anew. "That's a contradiction. The sort of thing that leads to Malevolence. An' while normally I'd say that's a bad thing..." She rests her hands under her chin. "That's proof that you're human. Not just human, but a person with his own mind and personality. An' if *that's* not good enough for you--" She flips one hand to the side and quirks a half-smile. "D'you *really* think I'd still be sittin' here listenin' to you if I thought you were boring?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
When she says the word 'boring,' Ivan realizes with some trepidation that Ragnell gets it. For all the genuine seriousness of his predicament, somehow at the core of his personal issues is mostly just this mundane horror that he isn't and never will be ... any fun.
"Isn't all that stuff just... ... weakness, though?" Ivan asks. Weakness isn't interesting! It just creates work for other people. "I don't think wanting someone's attention is enough by itself to make someone interesting enough to deserve it."
As to why Ragnell has the patience to stick around and listen if he is so dull...
"I thought maybe it was like the fascination of watching an inexplicable disaster unfold in front of your eyes or something."
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
Ragnell grins broadly. "Bingo. It *is* fascinatin' to watch you, disaster boy. An' that disaster comes from your personality, fighting against its own desires an' beliefs. Like I said, it's not necessarily a good thing. But it's definitely an interesting thing. Haven't you ever read any novels? The most interesting characters are the ones with weaknesses to overcome and eventually grow past."
She rests her head on one hand. "That said, 'interesting' and 'boring' aren't universal. What I find intriguing about you might be super fuckin' annoyin' to someone else. I fought someone like that just yesterday. This robot ground on my last damn nerve, but she had at least a couple people who apparently liked her just the way she was. So, maybe you find yourself trite and tiresome, sure. But not everyone will see you that way."
Her grin widens even further, and she winks and jokes, "An' if you think that's not enough, be my disciple! I have a *rich* an' *fascinating* personality, full of charm and frustration. You can be as delightful as me while still bein' a heinous murderer for however long as you're willin' to convince yourself that part of you is inescapable!"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"I haven't read any novels," Ivan asserts, before he can manage to address any of the rest of it.
"...You fought a robot yesterday?" is the next thing he can manage. He really doesn't have the first idea of what Ragnell gets up to in her life outside the Festina Lente (besides flirting with ladies here and there and trying to destroy the world at least once). Fighting robots expands this list but does not help to illuminate its guiding principles.
Ultimately, he's not sure what he thinks about her general message. It's impossible he could have been someone all along, isn't it? He's completely abdicated taking any responsibility in his life. What kind of person worth knowing chooses not to make any choices?
"What do you mean by... be your disciple?"
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
"Whaaaaat? Seriously??" Ragnell utters, staring at him as if he'd just admitted to being an octopus monster underneath his human flesh coat. "I take it all back, you *are* boring. Read a fuckin' book, Ivan!!"
She's kidding. Mostly. Maybe. Perhaps a little...?
"Oh, yeah, I guess. She was a friend of a friend, so she wanted to me to not fight? Because she has, like, the mentality of a child despite bein' a fuckin' robot, somehow, I don't even know how that works, so she figured just 'cuz we were friends we had to be on the same side or something. Then she was all like, '*I* had a friend who liked to fight, and you're like that, so let me get to know you better so we can be friends!' and I was like, 'Nope. Nope. Not happenin'. Piss off.' Then her human master got all mad, I guess because Odessa zapped the two of 'em here to Spira an' got them caught up in the fightin' when she just wanted to be home in Filgaia doin', I dunno, whatever it was they were doin' before, which she absolutely flipped out at me about by the way, an' then she made a bunch of assumptions about me based entirely on her dislike of Odessa, an' I was like, 'Yeah, okay, think what you want, I don't care,' because maybe they had the wrong idea about me, but I also didn't want them havin' the *right* idea about me, you know? So, y'know, if she's gonna think something totally inaccurate an' unflatterin' about me, that's fine by me.
"Anyway."
Huh, she reflects. Maybe those two got under her skin more than she thought if she's venting on and on about it a day later. That thought gets put to one side, though, when Ivan takes her seriously and asks what she means by be her disciple. She blinks at him, then laughs. "I was jokin'! Who takes on a disciple for learnin' how to have a colorful personality?" She grins anew. "Why, were you interested?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Ivan opens his mouth to explain himself re: books and then decides not to admit that although he doesn't have anything against books but it simply never occured to him that he could just... get a novel and read it. His brow furrows. "...do you have any recommendations?" he asks.
Ragnell starts to explain her fight with the robot and it turns out to be quite a complex tale. He has a feeling it is peppered with IMPORTANT CLUES to what Ragnell's deal is, but otherwise he finds it sort of confusing and is struggling to parse and hang on to specific details. It occurs to him at the end of the explanation that although he gathers that Ragnell feels rather misunderstood after the whole thing, he still isn't sure what anyone was fighting about.
r"It sounds like it was a bad day," he says. That much he feels like he understands, at least.
It turns out Ragnell was only kidding about the disciple thing. Ha ha, he knew that.
"No, no, I think if I started trying to act like you it would just kind of worry people."
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
Ivan asks for some recommendations on novels. Ragnell touches her chin, expression turning thoughtful. "What kinda story would you be interested in readin'? Adventure? Thriller? Romance? Mystery? If you don't really know, I'll pick out a few books I like and lend 'em to ya. Sis might even have 'em right here." She crooks a smile at Ivan. "Sure is handy, havin' a fixed address, huh?"
Yeah, Ragnell sure does leave out a whole lot of important details from that rambly 'explanation.' It's probably just as well, because Ragnell... doesn't actually want most people to understand her--and while she's grown fond of Ivan in her own way, so far that includes him too.
"It was a pain in the ass, for sure," she agrees. At least Ivan got that much, hey?
And, as is usual for Ivan, he backpedals when he realizes Ragnell wasn't serious. "Haha, right? If there were two of me, the world would end!" she jokes. She makes a show of considering this; then she slides her chair over and around to Ivan's side and streeeeetches an arm around his shoulder. "On seeeeecond thought... maybe you could use some Ragnell lessons after all!"
A beat; then she tousles his hair, assuming he lets her. "That was a joke. But I got a sneakin' suspicion you were takin' me serious when you asked about that disciple thing. Which is interestin' to me. It suggests you want to improve yourself." She half-smiles. "An' before you say I'm readin' too much into it--if you weren't, why'd you ask for novel recommendations?
"So.
"I was jokin'. But if I'd been serious... what would you *want* me to mean by bein' my disciple?"
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"...Ad...venture?" says Ivan hesitantly. Perhaps he is uneasy to admit he readily knows what kind of book he'd like to read when a minute or so ago he was certain he didn't have any preferences in the world whatsoever. To be fair, he never knew what genres novels came in, he just had a vague idea they existed in the world.
As Ragnell speculates about world destruction, Ivan is distracted enough by the ongoing mystery of Ragnell having actually attempted world destruction--as well as the general harrowingness of the conversation that he is somehow successfully captured by the shoulder snug and hair tousling maneuver. He stares back at her after this with an overdramatic 'how could you' kind of look. Then she asks what he thought being her disciple meant.
He looks askance. "I... I don't know, I thought maybe you knew the secret to building an identity or something."
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
Ragnell grins broadly. "There's no lack of adventure books in the world. Some of 'em are by normal folks with an active imagination an' a thirst for a more interestin' life. Some are straight-up memoirs from professional adventurers who wish their lives would be a little more boring. I'll get you a mix." She shakes her head. "Imagine! Never readin' a novel!! Honestly. No wonder you think you're empty."
Ragnell successfully tousles Ivan. He gives her the absolutely most precious of 'how could you' kind of looks. This boy thinks he has no personality?? He really is oblivious.
"There isn't really a secret to it, Ivan. Mmm... I guess if there was anything to it... It'd be ownin' what you do, and standin' fast to your beliefs. But you don't do either of those things, do ya?" she says, arching an eyebrow. "Well, I guess I could take you out drinkin' with me sometime. Or we could go plumbin' a dungeon together. Or... hm."
She looks him over thoughtfully. "Have you ever heard of Uzda Il-jam? It's a spectral island here on Lunar that leads into a series of trials. The first one is Linaweyul, which in the ancient tongue means 'cowardice.' Character development, and thus buildin' a meaningful an' interesting character, is all about facin' your weaknesses, an' this place is all about facin' your fears. Sounds like a decent first step, eh?"
Goddess. She really is going to end up taking him in in some fashion, isn't she. K.K. will never let her hear the end of this.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
"I've never really gone drinking either..." Ivan says.
"But I have gone treasure hunting." That's what she means by plumbing a dungeon, right?
Ragnell says what he has long suspected -- that building an identity is about owning your actions and beliefs, which is the opposite of his way of life. But apparently there is some mystical island where you can sort of literally face your demons?
"If there was a way to build character by just fighting stuff, that would be amazing," he says. Sounds too good to be true.
Although... if he meant to seize control of his identity by fighting someone, there's an obvious place to start. He simply hasn't been brave enough -- or stupid enough -- to try.
<Pose Tracker> Seraph Ragnell has posed.
"Yeah, you're probably too young to drink, but I don't really care about that, and I'm bettin' neither do you," Ragnell replies. "If you change your mind, let me know." After all, you can't develop your own belief system if you don't have someone to nurture it. Trampling and running roughshod over his opinions and desires would be the opposite of...
Goddess. Nurturing a personality. She still thinks he has more of one than he believes, but getting him to believe it too is the trick, isn't it?
She laughs. "There sure is, Ivan," she drawls, poking him in the forehead. "But the fightin' is just the first part of it. You have to reflect on what the fightin' meant to you afterwards." She rubs her chin. "Am I gonna have to assign you homework? Damn. This is wild. I've never done anythin' like this before." She grins. "Should be fun~."
Certainly, based on what Ragnell said, if Ivan needs to improve his courage, than braving Linaweyul, the Trial of Cowardice, would be a good place to start... before facing something, or someone, closer to home.
"Anyway, I guess if I'm trainin' ya in the ways of having a round personality, I oughtta help you out with gettin' some hobbies, too," she muses. "But we already have Book Club as our first step, so let's do that first. C'mon, follow me." And with that, she gets up and heads towards--wherever it is in the Festina Lente that Amaranth keeps her books. She's got to have some books in here somewhere.
<Pose Tracker> Ivan has posed.
Is that island real? Is this stuff actually going to happen? Did he agree to it? Wasn't he going to just keep running in the same circles and then sneaking off to hide or scream in the woods whenever the dissonance got to be too bad?
But it seems somehow like maybe Ragnell thinks there are actual steps he could follow to get closer to having a personality...
Has... Ivan become a disciple of Ragnell? Perhaps he has. He follows her to look at her books.