2019-11-06: My Role

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  • Log: My Role
  • Cast: Xantia, Fei Fong Wong, Id
  • Where: The Thames - Upper Deck
  • Date: November 06, 2019
  • Summary: Xantia isn't behaving like herself, so Fei goes to check on her. When Xantia demands a visit from someone else as well, things soon get complicated...
========================<* The Thames - Upper Deck *>=========================

The Thames is a derelict aircraft carrier turned bustling hub of salvage and Digging operations within the Great Sea region of Aquvy, helmed by an eccentric walrus beastman who only answers by the title of "Captain". The idiosyncratic and lively citizens of this carrier -- a healthy and diverse mix of humans, beastmen, elves, Gorons, Rito and just about anyone else you know -- make their living performing on- and off-shore salvage operations for parts and lost technologies, selling them off to the Ethos or the Diggers' Guild. The Upper Deck of the Thames serves as both a launching and landing pad for Gears and other crafts, and a full crew of salvage and maintenance folks can always be seen assisting with the operations.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YREOhjsSvOs

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Explaining something like Trick-or-treating to someone like Xantia, one would think that she'd be all over the prospect of free candy. No matter how old she might be, she could certainly match the energy of the average trick-or-treating kid! And yet, she passed on it, thanking for the offer, only saying to go have a good time with Emeralda. She seemed to be in one of those rare non-talkative moods at the time.

Well, those moods are usually rare for her. But after the initial elation at finding herself back on Filgaia, she's had moments quiet enough to be noticeable an awful lot. 'Just thinking', is what she'd say when called on it, returning to her more typical self in short order. This time, it seemed to be lingering a bit longer. Perhaps there was a lot to think about.

Today, Xantia can be found in a place she seems to like hanging out at, judging from how often she's been returning to it. The Thames's upper deck, often around the same particular spot she is now. There's nothing really unusual about that spot, it's just one part of the railing-less edge of the deck. This is where she sits right now, legs dangling back and forth over the side. Not exactly safe, but it's fine, Xantia does much less safe things than this all the time. It's not like she's even moving much. Just sort of staring out over the ocean. She must be thinking again. 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

WARNING WARNING WARNING

Xantia doesn't want to hunt for free candy!

WARNING WARNING WARNING

Fei eventually makes it up to where Xantia is sitting. He doesn't get too close immediately, instead taking a moment to watch Xantia minding herself... But its not a position that lasts long for Fei. Xantia is family and he gets worried about family most of all as of late.

He moves to sit down next to Xantia.

"Nice view." He says, turning his head to smile at Xantia. "Gotta admit, wasn't expecting you to skip Halloween. How're you feeling, being back on Filgaia?"

He is trying to play it cool but he is worried. 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia doesn't immediately turn her head when Fei approaches, but she does smile. She already knows it's him, even before he sits next to her. A positive reaction, sure, but not exactly up to her energetic standards. It's as if she's fixated on something in particular, out there on the horizon. But if there is such a thing, it cannot be made out by just looking.

When spoken to however, she finally does turn her smile in Fei's direction. "Well, you know. Candy's nice, but it's not very filling." It... almost makes sense for her when she puts it that way, doesn't it? "I hope Emeralda wasn't disappointed. Did she have a good time?"

She turns her attention back to the view, afterwards, taking a moment to answer the question regarding how she's feeling. She must not have an easy answer, otherwise she would've given it immediately. There's only one thing that she can say with certainty. "It feels like... I'm where I belong." She chuckles, adding, "Even though I've never been to this part of Filgaia before. Not exactly how I thought we'd go here, but I guess we got here, eventually."

There's another brief pause, before she points into the distance. "Can you see it?" she asks, even knowing that it's impossible to see from here. "Ignas is in that direction. I didn't need to look at a map or anything. I can just... feel it." She abruptly turns back to Fei, assuring him, "Ah-- don't be worried, I'm not hearing any weird sounds or anything! It's just, sort of, like..." She struggles to find the right way to describe it, eventually landing on, "...like I swallowed a compass? Does that make sense? No, of course it doesn't, ugh, I don't know." 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Fei says, "I wouldn't say she was disappointed. She seemed to have a lot of fun. Made some new friends. She's a good kid and already real independent." You know for a preteen. "But I think she would've had even more fun if you were there. She really likes you--and she's family, right?"

Of course it isn't that Emeralda calls him dad or Elly mom or anything but it's a bit of a complicated situation by the sound of it. Fei hopes that even if they do find out what happened to 'Kim', Emeralda will still see them as--

"--Yeah, it's a relief to be back. Though I guess, part of me wants just as strongly to escape and never look back. But it's the people who keep me here. People like you." He pauses then laughs. "Sorry if that seems like flattery but it's true."

He aims to give Xantia a one armed hug from the side. He knows Xantia is going through a lot as well. He knows damn well what it's like to be sealed away, to have your memory fragmented like thousands of shards...

He tilts his head curiously as Xantia goes back on her explanation not making sense. Then he smiles again, "Hey, I think it makes sense. You've always felt like something was calling you over there. Makes sense you'd know where to go." He points towards where Xantia's heart is presumably. "Like you're listening to your gut, your heart, yeah?" He pulls back a bit.

"But also in here--" He points to his head. "Well maybe it's not exactly the same, but I think I get it close enough. Something's calling you back and maybe that something is inside you." He pauses. "We'll always have your back, Xan. No matter what." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia makes a 'mmm' sound in a way that makes it pretty clear how she feels regarding the Halloween Thing. She knows Emeralda probably would've liked it if she'd been there, and she feels bad about that. Still, she chose not to go. Why would that be? Well, it's not like Xantia to keep a secret, she's not about to start now.

"I just... felt like I'd bring the mood down. I don't know. I've had a lot to think about." There's that thinking thing again. That wasn't just something she said as an excuse, she really has been thinking a lot. Not really her style, normally speaking she'd be seeking out any sort of activity and not worry too much about anything. Something happened, that much was already clear back in the temple that brought them here.

She laughs, softly, when Fei says people like her keep him here. "That's not a lot of people, I'm the only one like me." She may have misunderstood that one a little. Wouldn't be Xantia without that happening occasionally.

When given a hug, Xantia leans into it, resting her head on Fei's shoulder. Seems like she needed one of those. "...I guess so. I guess I just kind of feel like nothing makes much sense right now. Or, more like... things that used to make sense don't anymore, and other things make sense now, so what even is 'sense' anymore? It's like... I keep being wrong about what I thought I wanted. Can I trust that the way I feel now is right?"

Xantia raises her head, pulling back so she can look Fei in the eyes properly. She may have sounded a little sad just now, but her smile seems perfectly genuine. "Well... I think you understand what I'm saying. Both of you. Probably better than me. At least I still feel sure that it's better for me to be here. And it's better for someone else to be here too, isn't that right? Wouldn't even come out to see me in Spira. But now we're back, so..."

Without warning, Xantia suddenly sends her fist towards Fei's face! Only to stop just short, to softly tap her knuckles on his forehead. "Trick or treat~ ...Better have a good treat for me after all this time, or I'll trick you so hard!" 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

"Hey it's okay! Sometimes we need time to ourselves. There's nothing wrong with that!" Fei assures Xantia. "I just...want you to know you're always welcome whenever you're up for company. That's all." Being depressed really ISN'T Xantia's style but Fei has seen Xantia down enough times now to know that beneath that bubbly goofy cheery exterior is a lot more cheer, but also deep thoughtfulness and worry about her place in the world. Emotions are complicated and Fei just hopes...he can help her, even if it's just a little.

"Well, it depends on what qualities you're looking at, doesn't it? Even when we are singularly unique we can find commonality with others."

But the world really is crazy, Fei thinks, so all he can really say about that is, "Tell me about it. It's hard enough to pretend like I know what's going on, never mind actually knowing." He stalls suddenly when Xantia mentions The Other Guy and Fei's cheeks redden faintly. He may be on better terms with Id than when he first started out, but it's going to be a long road before he can see him as really part of himself. After all, Id slaughtered countless innocents and while Fei doesn't want to run away from his own responsibility, it's not as if Id has suggested he'd stop.

He lowers his head, his bangs hanging over his eyes.

"You're not in costume. If you're not in costume you don't get candy." He says. "But I'll make an exception this one time 'cause you're obviously new to the system here." He draws out a pouch and offers it to Xantia. "Course it was Fei who saved them up, I wasn't doing much, but obviously we were always going to save them up for you. No escape." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Even when it's known Xantia can have moments like this, no one could be blamed for still finding it jarring when it happens. Especially when her mood tends to take an upswing at the slightest bit of encouragement. She's all bright smiles in responding to Fei, "But Fei, I already know that. It's just... not always the right time, you know? If I don't think I'll have fun, then you're going to notice I'm not having fun, and then you'll ask me why I'm not having any fun, and then I have to tell you all these unfun things while people are trying to have fun. That wouldn't be any fun, would it?" She's put a lot of thought into this!

At least they can find easy common ground on not having any idea what they're getting themselves into half the time. With Xantia usually launching herself into them at top speed. Perhaps that's why the backlash when it doesn't pan out the way she hoped is this powerful too.

And yet some things that most others would have issue with, Xantia can take entirely in stride. Such as Fei and The Other Guy's situation. She's never seemed to have any problems with it at all, and doesn't even skip a beat in her response when Id greets her with those words.

"I am too in costume! I'm you for Halloween!"

Never mind that a) she always wears that armor now and b) it's not even Halloween anymore. It's still true that she had Id in mind when she decided on the color scheme. Clearly that's all that counts.

Gleefully, she snatches the pouches and peers inside. "Wow, that's a lot! You got all this, for me? Aw, you shouldn't have." She looks a bit discontent then, repeating, "You really shouldn't have, I was looking forward to playing a trick on you. It's almost like-- wait, were you expecting this!?" 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Fei looks a little lost following Xantia's logic chain there but seems to get the gist of it at least.

Xantia says she's being ID for Halloween and Id's eyes widen briefly before he looks away. "...I'm a costume now, huh?" It isn't really all that relaxing to him to be out here like this for him but it's hard for him to refuse such calls too. These are the moments he gets to dance on the stage of death, otherwise he's stuck as an audience member. He can't stand it. But by the same token...

His glance shifts towards Xantia briefly.

If he gets too close... He might...

"I wouldn't say we were expecting anything, we just figured you'd want some candy even if you weren't coming along with us. There'd be more but they usually only hand this stuff out for kids." It's possible he borrowed from Emeralda's pile of loot there--or just mentioned there was a sick kid or something who couldn't come.

"Aquvy's got a lot of ancient ruins around. You probably won't be bored for long in this area. Even if it's not exactly the sorts of ruins you might be connected to." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

It's Xantia's turn to look a little lost at Id's reaction. She's not sure what reaction she was expecting to her costume claim, but it wasn't as complicated as that one looked. Absolutely no clue what he might be thinking. You can tell she's bothered by something by how she puts away the candy pouches without even giving them a second glance, let alone tasting one.

Still, she doesn't ask about it, focusing instead on the matter of the candy as it's explained to her. "Oh. Well. You were thinking about me, and you figured correctly, so I think that counts as expecting something like this. I should've known, ha ha ha!" That laugh was a little unnatural. She might be trying to cheer Id up. He doesn't seem in very high spirits, after all. It's easy to forget about her own problems when there's others who look like they might need some support.

She waves off the mere notion of being bored. "Oh, I'm sure I'll find some things to do! And who knows, I could still find something here. Just because I know there's something in Ignas doesn't mean there can't be anything here, too." Hey, she's got her optimism back.

Still, she's not quite content to leave things at that. "Y'know, while I've got you here, I should tell you about this story I read a while back. ...Stay here, it's good, I promise. Listen until the end of it, okay?" Somehow it felt like Id might bail on her if things threatened to get boring. Can't have that. This is important. To Xantia, at least. So she's telling this story, whether he likes it or not.

"There once was a great disaster that ravaged the land. A terrible storm that carried disease on its winds, destroying everything and everyone in its path. Village after village was completely annihilated, none could escape the disaster. Except for one village, that was left completely unharmed. It was a town populated by the poor and infirm, those too weak to leave should disaster come for them. Disasters had happened to their town many a time in the past, but lacking the option to abandon their home and start over, they instead held fast and weathered them. Each time they rebuilt, and each time the village became stronger for it. By now, their homes were strong enough to withstand even the mightiest storm. Channels and wards that resist poison protected against any diseases. By struggling in earnest just to live another day, they had gained the strength to overcome even this great disaster."

If it's not clear by now why Xantia liked that story so much, she pretty much spells it out by concluding the moral of the story: "Disaster is not to be avoided. Instead, one must live alongside it. For those who live hand-in-hand with disaster can never be destroyed."

She recited all that from memory, no problem. She's not half bad at storytelling. But as soon as it's over, it's back to regular old Xantia, smiling brightly. "Did you like it?" 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Honestly Id is RARELY in high spirits and a fair chunk of those rare times are times where, well, you probably don't WANT him to be in high spirits. Something is on his mind too, it seems, and he isn't inclined to invoke whatever demon he's worried about. Still, he does smile at Xantia's attempts though he does make a show of turning his head a bit so it's hard to see full on but Xantia is pretty skilled so.

His jaw drops open a bit when Xantia offers a story. What the heck! But he does clamp his mouth shut and nod briefly. Looks like Xantia has her chance to tell her tale.

It's a strange one all told, sort of starting at the ending and moving back to the beginning, but as a parable it works well enough.

Eventually Id lifts his head back up and looks to Xantia, a serious expression on his face. "You just described an immune system." He says. "It's a good story for someone like me, but I don't know if it's the sort of story that will get much traction. Where'd you hear that one from?"

He pauses a moment before realizing. "Ah--that's right..."

He shakes his head quickly. "Human beings build up something called an 'immune system' as they are growing up. Some of it is passed down from parent to child, some of it is simply endured. Throughout history there are plenty of examples of large groups of people suffering terribly because something new entered their ecosystem and pummeled them with diseases they had no resilience to. It happens across nature as well. It's interesting that you'd describe something like that through parable."

He closes his eyes a moment. "Good thing you're keeping your spirits up. That feels very you. And it's important to be...you. The last thing you'd want is to be subservient to some other self. But if you don't try to look at your other selves properly then you won't be able to avoid being shattered. Properly being with empathy rather than disgust. I guess I can say that much, at least."

He looks forward again and adds, "You know, I will disappoint you again. It's my nature." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia is one of the few who has seen Id in high spirits before. She seems to live for those moments where she manages to get a smile out of people who weren't smiling before. She doesn't need to know their worries, it's enough if she can take their mind off of them for a moment. Of course, when it's Id, there tends to be extra effort involved, hence the story.

The reaction is obviously not what she was expecting, blinking blankly at the notion of having described an immune system. "...I did what? An old man was telling that story in a tavern, that was before we went to Elru the second time..." She trails off, still kind of confused.

Of course she'd be confused, but it's about what Id supposed then his explanation should have cleared that up. Instead, Xantia frowns a bit by the end of it, wondering, "Why are you telling me that, I know what an immune system is. But what's a parable?"

She just sort of glosses over another realization of already knowing things that she doesn't remember learning, in favor of pointing out, "That wasn't what the story was about, it's about living with disaster." Of course she's taking the story literally. Well. Maybe not entirely. Maybe a little more personally. "It's saying that you're not bad, just because of what you do. And that staying with you is the right thing to do."

In other words, she's spinning this to support what she already believed in the first place. She may have some selective hearing in that regard, but she means well. Felt to her like it should have been encouraging, at least.

She sighs, and scratches her head, unsure why that didn't have the effect she thought it would. "Well, it's all pretty confusing, but, I don't know, maybe it's different for me. If there's someone else, it doesn't even feel like they're here right now. So I don't know what to do about that, so I try not to think about it, I only get frustrated thinking about things I can't do anything about."

And then she lightly punches Id in the arm. With a smile, she breaks things down in simple terms, the way in which she sees things. "You never disappoint me. Maybe you'll make me mad, but you know, that just happens sometimes. Maybe we'll have a fight, but then we can just make up afterwards. What's the problem?" 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

"Parables are short stories used to impart a lesson, usually of a kind of spiritual meaning." Id explains. He supposes an old man in a tavern could tell a story like that, especially in a dump like Filgaia. A dump--that somehow all these people find fulfillment in protecting and supporting.

Xantia insists that the story is about him and how he's not bad. That gets Id to tense up tightly. For a moment he looks small. Like a child. With a shiv. But he doesn't say anything else, allowing Xantia to babble on ahead. His fingers dig into his body.

He is punched in the arm. Most people would freak the fuck out if they saw Xantia doing this to the Demon of Elru, though maybe not with how he's presently acting--but it'd certainly make their heart skip a beat.

"I am not a natural disaster. I am not a plague. I am a human being. When I kill someone, that makes me a murderer. When I kill a lot of people, that makes me a mass murderer. When I threaten to destroy this world, that makes me a demon that must be slain. Just like Siegfried. Just like Mother. I like you, Xantia, but I'll kill you too eventually. Whether it be by my own hand or simply by association. I am not allowed to have family or friends. That is not my role."

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZpGA2WWgYk

"It's only natural for someone like me to want to break the rules. To have a little secret to care for. But before that, before everything, I am ruled by what I am and if I stray too far, I will be guided back into that role."

"That's why..." Id adds. "Why I haven't been visiting..."

He stands up. "I would kill you before---"

He cuts himself off before adding, "...These memories, I won't risk them. I can't risk them." He then smirks briefly. "I can't help but wonder..."

"...If a disaster could feel, what it would feel about having blood on its hands. Perhaps it would envy those corpses that found a way to make peace with their own destruction but in the end a tornado turns on itself as well."

He turns and starts walking away. "...Well, I've already decided long ago to be just fine with it so call me a hypocrite if you want, but stick with me too far and I'll ruin you, just as I almost 'ruined' Lily."

In the end, he didn't accept her willingness to join him on his rampage and after a moment of reflection, Lily knew it was the wrong path for her. But perhaps...despite making that offer himself, Id never wanted it accepted in the first place.

He's a weird guy. 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Well, Xantia has learned from this what a parable is, at least. Enough so that she immediately jumps back to it for defense against Id's assertion that he isn't an actual disaster. "Hey, that was just-- it was only a parable! I wasn't saying..."

She doesn't insist on making herself be overheard when Id continues speaking. Especially since she can't argue as easily against the rest of it. She knows very well what Id has done, and will likely continue to do. That he has to be sl-- stopped.

It's odd, when she thinks about it. Giving it everything you've got in a fight, but stopping short of removing a threat to the world permanently. She didn't hesitate with Mother. She wouldn't hesitate with K.K.. But Id... that wouldn't even be hesitation, she'd never even consider it. What makes him so different? It can't be the association with Fei, it was like well this before she knew they had anything to do with each other. She just... feels a connection. And even with her life being directly threatened, she can't get herself to ignore that feeling.

She also can't think of anything to say to any of that. It's supremely frustrating that she can't understand exactly what's going on with Id, and that his words don't really help to make it more clear to her. But she's knows what he's doing. And she doesn't like it. Of course, he wouldn't be saying it like this if the situation was easily remedied. When he starts walking away, she stands up, hand outstretched, trying to think of something to say... but no words will come. Lowering her arm, she balls her fists in frustration.

"I'll fight you."

That came out of nowhere. It was soft, but saying that much is emboldening, and she raises her voice afterwards. "I've never been great at expressing how I really feel in words. So we'll talk in a language that's easier to understand, for both of us." She doesn't mean now, obviously. Even if it was a good time, this is definitely not a good place. She's also not taking no for an answer. "Soon. Don't forget."

With that, she jumps backward and... wait did she just jump overboard?? Nah, she grabbed the edge of the deck and swung down to the lower level. Because she's crazy. Also, you're not walking away from her, she's walking away from you. Hmph! 

<Pose Tracker> Fei Fong Wong has posed.

Id looks over to where Xantia was moments before, from where she just leapt from.

And he smiles.

"Thatagirl."

It's worked so far, so maybe Xantia has the right idea.

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