2020-09-09: That Little Voice

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===========================<* The Cape of Breath *>===========================

Stretching from the edge of the slowly-spreading northern desert, the Cape of Breath is the lush southern region of Meria Boule. Farmland and livestock take up much of the hilly region, dotted with the estates and castles of Merian nobles, often at the height of elevation, but across temperate land to the west great forests begin, still part of the great resources of the Merian nation. In places the badlands of the north find mirrors here, hotter regions with accordingly sparser populations... where people could move. 

To the farthest south and east are the wide coastlines, each marked with large cities. Only the fortress nature of many estates at the hearts of settlements recalls much of Meria's more warlike history, after the great efforts of the late Queen to ensure peace for all Meria Boule, and the spread of knowledge. Nevertheless, the increasing spread of monsters can make travel without caravan or guards a perilous undertaking indeed.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_gmgvAz8Ks

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

After most engagements, some time needs to be set aside to deal with the aftermath. Tending to wounded, discussing how it all went down, things of that nature. Whether it's open combat or a more subtle operation, after-action activities are just a fact of life.

A fact which Xantia has chosen to ignore this time. At least the wound-tending part wasn't necessary in her case, since she fought a friend who was actively trying to restrain moreso than harm. Plus she did do exactly what she was there to do: block the target's most likely escape route and cover the retreat.

On the other hand, fighting a good friend is probably not great for one's mental state. And there was the little fact that she nearly had a breakdown when she tried to force herself to do more than she felt comfortable with. That probably had a lot to do with her not sticking around after making sure everyone got out safely.

However, Xantia finds that being alone with her own thoughts doesn't help her mental state much. Talking usually does. And for someone who tends to the chaotic side in her day-to-day behavior, there's an obvious pattern in who she tends to talk to about which kinds of things.

Lily may thus not be entirely surprised that she's about to have company on this visit to the cape on the outskirts of Meria. Bereft of her more common energy level, Xantia approaches calmly, slightly slouched with her hands crossed behind her back. Much like a child who is coming to apologize for misbehaving. That's not entirely the way she feels, but she's clearly not in the best spirits, at least. She speaks up as soon as she can tell, or has guessed, that Lily must have noticed her, with an awkward little wave.

"Hey... sorry for leaving like that. I, um... I hope everything's okay. You know, considering." 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Lily Keil has been quiet, since the attempt--but then, she's been quiet for longer than that. Since Josie left, really--'left'. But she did a lot in the aftermath nevertheless--healed those who needed it, handled a number of logistical matters... the standard business of the lieutenant of the Black Wolves. And now, she's out on her own again--a Merian cape, far from guards and business and everything. She happens to be looking out to the water at the moment.

She isn't that surprised, no, that Xantia arrives, though she doesn't immediately turn towards her. She keeps looking out at the moving water for a little while longer, before--

"It's not a problem," Lily says, turning toward Xantia again. "It's fine. Everyone came through--the mission didn't succeed, but we did send a message." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

It's about the kind of response that Xantia was expecting from Lily. Yet, she looks a little frustrated by it. And with Xantia, you're rarely left wondering why she feels the way she does for very long.

"Is it really fine? I mean, it could have succeeded, I was right there, but I--"

She froze. That much was evident. In spite of yelling that she'd kill him herself, the moment she said that, she was overcome by self-doubt. She's still full of doubts even now, which probably has a lot to do with why she came to see Lily.

"...I don't understand. It's not like I haven't killed before. And I meant what I said - I want him gone. For your sake, of course, but I also think - I know that Filgaia would be better off without Shakhan." She raises her right hand, slowly curling it into a fist. "So why? Why couldn't I do it?" 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Lily is not always mysterious. In this respect she's kind of not, particularly. But...

"Could have," Lily says, and shakes her head. Yes, Xantia froze--and Lily can sense those doubts just by looking at Xantia, by listening to her. "First..."

"Could have is a trap. We can't fixate too much on what could have been, or we'll lose sight of what is, and what we can do from here. It paralyzes you. But second..."

Lily turns back to the water, and looks out over the surf. "It's different," Lily answers.

"It's different, fighting and killing in battle, and just killing someone outright. It's not the same skillset, and it's not the same, emotionally." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

"A... trap?" Xantia is already confused before the answer to her question. She mulls that over for a bit, crossing her arms. "...I see," she says, before a short, unamused laugh escapes her. "I guess to me it feels less like a trap and just... the normal thing to do."

Xantia doesn't clarify that one further, but it's her amnesia that she's alluding to. Even if she's not unhappy in her present circumstances, she still can't help but wonder about what could have been all the time. If a version of herself that remembered everything would have made the same choices. Most likely, the only reason she doesn't fixate on that more is not having enough information to go on. That's something she'll have to remember to be careful of in her continued search for her old identity.

Stepping forward, Xantia moves to be as close to the cape's edge as Lily is, joining her in gazing across the water. She soon adjusts her viewing angle into a different direction, though there's nothing in particular that stands out over there. "...I never thought about it like that," she starts, but then shakes her head. "No, I think I knew that, I just don't really understand it. I shouldn't feel bad, not when it's someone like that. Someone who's hurt my friends, who allied with Solaris... who wouldn't hesitate like I did if he ever got this kind of chance. It's different from--"

Xantia abruptly raises a hand to her mouth. She's reminded again, of the same thing she was reminded of back at the Chateau. Just like that time, she freezes. And Lily is in the unique position of being able to work out what she's thinking about that's leading to this sudden turmoil in her emotions. It's that time, way back at the Photosphere, during the aftermath, when Lily saw Xantia kill some defenseless Metal Demons. A disturbing episode that she couldn't clearly remember after the fact, but the knowledge of what she did haunts her still. 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

"That's why it's so tempting," Lily says of could have beens. "Because it's so natural. It wouldn't be much of a trap otherwise."

She can get Xantia's allusion pretty easily regardless--Lily herself sometimes thinks in those terms, but tries to avoid it as a rule, particularly about actions. There's just too much could have been to go around...

The water crashes along, neither especially calm nor particularly stormy. It just is what it is.

Lily listens, hearing Xantia out, about what she knew, how she should or shouldn't feel, and... Ah, there. That frozen moment.

"...It's different," Lily says again, turning her head to look back at Xantia again. "Should, or shouldn't... None of that matters when it comes to 'is', sometimes. There's a natural impulse to hesitate, in situations like that. It's a good one; it prevents us from doing things we might regret. Most people would hesitate, to kill someone defenseless, or feel guilt for doing it later."

"...I can't expect anything different of people who lack the training that Leon and I have. We learned... to do away with those hesitations. I learned to act, regardless of what that little voice says. In fact, I have a different one. It's difficult, sometimes, not to destroy the enemy when I have the opportunity."

Lily turns the rest of the way towards Xantia. "It's not a deficiency in you; you're just not an assassin. And you still performed the task you were meant to perform. That's why I say it's fine." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia's hand lowers down slowly when Lily begins to speak. And it slowly begins to dawn on her that this would be a normal thing to happen, for most people. She's no stranger to acting on impulse. Not acting on impulse happens far less often. She could feel a little better if she could accept that this was just a normal impulse, and push away that nagging feeling of insecurity that she always has. That something might be making her act, or not act, whether it's a direct outside influence or a subconscious memory.

After all, back then, that time... she doesn't know how else she could explain having done what she did.

What turns her thoughts from this is Lily's admission about her own 'little voice'. Lily just said that it's good to have something that keeps you from doing things you might regret, and is now saying that's something that she doesn't have. Unsurprisingly, this causes Xantia a bit of clearly visible concern. She just doesn't know how to address it. She doesn't just want to let it slide without saying anything either. So eventually, she does say one thing, that she does feel certain about.

"Well... if that ever causes you problems, maybe I can help. Maybe not help help, but you know, I can listen, if you want. Maybe I'll even manage to say something smart about it. That happens sometimes." She smiles, hoping her attempt to lighten the mood a little will have some effect.

She sobers a bit again shortly after, when she responds to Lily's final assertion after a moment's pause. "...Could have." Now she's using that terminology on purpose. "If it wasn't for all of you, the people who took care of me when I needed it most, I could have been an assassin. I think about that a lot, that I am who I am because I met so many good people." Then the smile returns again. "So I guess that means I can blame you, huh?" 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Back then, it's hard to say. Here and now... Lily is definitely saying it's normal; this is something even someone without a mysterious past and missing memories might experience. Maybe or maybe not in exactly the same way, but even so...

Xantia's visible concern gets a wry smile out of Lily, once she speaks up. "...I appreciate it," she says. "It is known to happen now and then. But you and the others already help remind me of who I'd prefer to be. So you're helping some now, too."

Could have--Xantia brings it up again, and Lily considers that possibility; she's seen Xantia's talents, after all. "Your abilities would have suited that, too," Lily says. "Maybe too well." Lily smiles back. "You can blame us," Lily agrees after a moment. "It's important, the people you keep around you... I don't know that I'd always say I'm good, exactly, but if you think so that's at least a good sign. We all influence each other--being who we are... It's not just something we bring in, already done."

"With the people around us we're continually becoming the people we're going to be. 'Back then' isn't all that matters--now does, too." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Oh, Xantia really felt that one. To hear Lily admit, in a roundabout way, that she prefers to be different from the way that circumstances prompt her to act most of the time. It's not that she wasn't already under that assumption, but it still tugs at the heartstrings to actually hear it. She doesn't respond to it - she doesn't feel that anything she could say would be helpful. But she's definitely thinking to herself, 'Don't worry Lily, one day we'll find a way to let you always be who you prefer to be'.

It's much easier to respond to Lily not accepting a blanket 'Good' label, which she waves off rather quickly. "I really don't get it, good people never seem to think they're good and bad people never seem to think they're bad. And it's like, hello? You're burning down someone's house for no reason and I'm trying to stop that, it's kind of obvious who's good and who's bad here?" She pauses from that awfully specific example, realizing she's getting off track. "But, I understand now that it's not always that simple. Sometimes people do have good reasons for sometimes doing things that look kinda bad. It's easier to see that if you know that person really well. So I think you should believe me when I say you're a good person." Open and shut case.

Xantia nods several times, not about to argue against how much the now matters as well. It took a while for her to see things that way, but right now it's easy to agree with. However, she then looks pensive a moment, her brow furrowing.

"Actually, if I can get back to what happened at the summit for a bit, there's one other thing that bothers me." Not actually the only other thing, but it's the one that's bothering her right at this moment. "Shakhan's bodyguard, the one that jumped in front of the shot. I know her. That was Rachiel Medry. A Solarian. A Gazel, even."

That's a term Lily may or may not know, but Xantia isn't thinking about that right now. She merely lets that statement hang there for a moment, feeling that she doesn't even really need to add the rest of her thought, before doing so anyway. "That's not... normal, for them. They think we're just assets to use. You don't give your life for an asset, no matter how useful. It's just not... Solarian." 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Lily does seem to worry a little less in general when Xantia's around, for all that Xantia keeps bringing her things to worry about. She doesn't dwell on what she said too long regardless--instead, Xantia's argument brings a small laugh out of the medic. "Sometimes it is that simple," Lily allows. "Sometimes... Well. I believe you." That Xantia believes it, to be sure. "What it means, whose perspective..." The sorceress waves it off with a motion of her hand. "It's fine."

Pensive... The summit. Lily thinks on this Medry. "You know her?" Lily repeats, thoughtful. The statement does hang there.

"Well," Lily says, "There are exceptions. Elly, for instance. Maybe we have more of an ally than we thought in her. ...Or maybe we don't, but she still thought it was that important. I doubt it's that she trusted Voss that much to heal her, not that he isn't good at what he does. ...I can't really say why she did what she did."

"But that strikes me as unusual, too. If she lived, we should keep an eye out for her." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

The Xantia Effect is mysterious indeed. Though, even if she has a lot more worries than she used to, it is true that most of the time she still has a way of looking like she doesn't have a care in the world, and that seems to be contagious. Maybe this too is something that the people that commonly surround her can be blamed for.

Naturally, Xantia takes the 'I believe you' to mean that Lily now believes she's a good person, because that's the only thing that makes sense. "Good!" is all she happily adds to that.

On the less cheerful topic of the summit, Xantia nods firmly when Lily repeats her in a questioning tone. "She's Lydia's handler. I had some doubts about her, but..." She lets that statement hang as well, waiting to hear Lily's thoughts on the matter.

Bringing up Elly prompts another nod. Exceptions... it could be. And if Lily agrees that this is notable, then she should definitely continue her train of thought. "Remember when I told you about Alexander Castle, that he was killed by another Solarian? ...That was Rachiel. At the time I thought it must have been some kind of trick, but... that's twice now she's done something a Solarian should never even consider." 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

Lily is a little sneaky on the matter of belief here, but she isn't inclined to argue the point even if she'd wonder what really makes a good person in the first place. ...In the meantime, the Xantia Effect is definitely present.

"Lydia's handler," Lily repeats again, though this time it's not a question so much as a dark statement. She doesn't at all appreciate that situation--shaking her head to dispel something, she says, "I don't like it. I don't think we should necessarily trust this Rachiel... But I guess we'll see if she tries anything again."

"It's very interesting, if she's that one. I don't know what it means... but definitely, we should keep an eye out. Figure out what it means for Lydia in particular." 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

Xantia nods eagerly. "Exactly what I was thinking! I can't trust Solarians so easily, but... something's weird, right? We might be able to use this, right?"

It might be a little bit jarring. Xantia's normally so trusting nature ceasing to apply where it comes to Solaris as well as her eagerness to somehow strike a blow against them both kind of happened suddenly, a result of 'remembering Solaris', as she described it. It may well at least partially be the reason for her wanting to be involved in the assassination attempt, too.

But, there are definitely other concerns at play too, which Xantia confirms when Lily questions what it means for Lydia. "...I want to free Lydia from them. Maybe, if Rachiel cares more about Lydia than she cares about Solaris... if killing Castle was about revenge..."

Xantia is always looking for hope wherever she can find it. What she most wishes to be true is what she is most eager to believe. That side of her is still stronger than whatever memories are making her suddenly mistrust all Solarians so much.

And just like that, she falls back in casual mode with an exaggerated shrug. "Anyway, something to think about, maybe! I'm guessing we probably shouldn't do anything big for a while after something like this. I don't know anything about tactics, I'll leave the plans up to you and Leon!" 

<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.

"Maybe," Lily answers about what they can use. It's... Something, certainly, the juxtaposition right here. What changed, what's here...

"I do, too," Lily agrees about Lydia. "But we can't jump to conclusions--we might have something we can use, but there might be a totally different explanation, too. For now, all we can do is wait and see. If you can talk to her, good, but don't put yourself at risk to do it if you can help it."

Lily knows how Xantia can want things to be true--can look for hope, and find it. But... She does get casual again, so...

"Right," Lily answers. "Something to think about. But that's about right--it's better if we don't make waves for the moment. If something else comes up, we'll definitely let you know."

A beat, "Though it seems we were overshadowed, by all reports..." Lily shakes her head. ARMS, Odessa, and Solaris. A whole big thing. 

<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.

It's always a good idea to caution Xantia against jumping to conclusions or taking unnecessary risks. It's no guarantee that she won't, but a lack of discouragement is basically the same as encouragement when it's about things that come natural. The only sure thing she can say in response is, "I'll see what I can do when I get the chance!"

Which isn't saying that she'll go out of her way to make it happen - Xantia is just more about 'when' than 'if', in general. She's already assuming that Rachiel will live, never mind running into her again. Not a big stretch, by her reckoning.

Instead, there's another thing she's planning on doing, when Lily brings that up. "I think I might be able to get a few more details about what happened back there after we left. I really need to talk to Clarine..." Though they reached somewhat of an understanding, Xantia needs to make doubly sure that there won't be any hard feelings over that... difference of opinion, shall we say.

And, lest we forget that this is Xantia, she rubs her chin and has the following insight regarding the immediate future. "I guess we won't be able to use the ship for a while."

Because that would make waves, you see.

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