2021-02-05: Attenuation of the Self
- Log: Attenuation of the Self
- Cast: Lan Lilac, Citan Uzuki
- Where: The Thames - Mess Hall
- Date: February 05, 2021
- Summary: Encountering Lan, Citan follows up on a matter he had promised he would look into for Gwen. Lan is made aware of the fact that Citan is aware of her predicament. She asks after a question that has nagged her for some time.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
In the end, they had gotten Gwen back... though Lan isn't really sure how if they can apply the phrase 'safe and sound' to the courier. Maybe once she's healed up, replaced some of her energy... And her hair has grown back some.
But in the meantime, Gwen's head is probably cold, and while Lan doesn't own any hats, she does have some yarn and a hook, and some free time. The hook slips in through a loop, grabs the working thread, and pulls it through to make a new loop, which the hook slips through, and grabs the working thread, which is pulled through...
It's very meditative. Lan has been at this for an hour or so and already has a saucer-sized disk of wooly fabric. She hopes Gwen likes blue, it seemed like a peaceful color. Red or orange were definitely out, at least for a while!
And selfishly, Lan is a little grateful that it wasn't her. Even if whatever the Stranger has planned for her is no doubt just a different kind of awful... even so, Lan's hair is a part of her. She doesn't remember ever cutting it. To have it all burned away...
It's a bit sickening to think of.
But eventually even a patient girl like Lan has to move - especially when her left leg start complaining about being in the same position for an hour, tucked underneath her. She sighs, puts her work away, and stands up--
Only to stagger and cling to the bench she'd been sitting on with an affronted gasp. "!!"
PINS AND NEEDLES, PINS AND NEEDLES--
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
There have been more than a few reasons to remain aboard the Thames and 'hold down th fort' here, as it were. One of these is the situation with the giant Wels Gomihone, still about in the waters near the floating city, and the request from the Captain of the Thames.
One of the others has been to monitor -- if somewhat from afar; Doctor Uzuki has seen fit to largely leave her care to the Thames' staff -- Gwen's recovery.
And as for the other reason...
He is, of course, only happening by when Lan rises from her bench and lets out a gasp that prompts him to stop in his tracks and glance over at her.
Would he have stopped otherwise? Is it really just chance that it happens quite like this?
Gwen had asked him to 'keep an eye on Lan'...
"...Miss Lilac? Are you alright?"
Citan doesn't approach quite yet, keeping his distance from her. "It is not far from the clinic if you are feeling ill. Do you require a hand?"
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
If seeing her rise and stagger so was concerning, her next action is undoubtedly moreso--!!
Lan regains her balance and starts shaking out the affected leg. She totally should have gotten up to walk around before this! The sound of her name makes her look up. "Uh-- oh, Doctor Citan!" She lets go of the bench and turns to face him, still favoring her numb foot, but she's smiling and doesn't look like she's immediately going to try to stab him or anything, so that's probably a good sign?
"My leg fell asleep," she explains a bit sheepishly. "I'm okay! It's just pins and needles. I guess I sat in one place too long."
Nothing to do for it but to walk it off, she supposes, so Lan shoulders her tote bag and prepares to... go find a snack or something. "Are you doing okay? Did you just come from seeing Gwen?"
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
Is it that action in particular that's so concerning, or is it more that it's...
She begins to shake out her leg, though, and Citan Uzuki is a doctor... if it were even the case that making the diagnosis of the moment had the requirement of one being a doctor for it!
He grimaces as if in sympathy. "Oh, I see! That is quite unfortunate. I have been subjected to that affliction many times, myself," he remarks, shaking his head. "Fortunately, I can confirm that you will make a full recovery!"
He takes the moment to look her over; her current 'affliction' aside, she seems well.
Gwen had confided in him her concerns over Lan.
"I am well, thank you very much. ...Gwen? No, though I had checked in on her earlier. She appears to be doing well, and so long as she continues to rest, I believe she will recover from her ordeal."
He pauses a moment, then, regarding her. "And you? How have you been since Spira?"
Aside from the current pins and needles sensation, one assumes.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
How suspicious does someone have to be before every unexpected action becomes alarming?
"I guess you would've done a lot of sitting in one place when you were still studying to become a doctor, huh?" She certainly doesn't envy him that much reading--! But in his professional opinion, she'll be fine, of course. Lan can't help it - she laughs. "G-good to know! I'd hate to think that this'd be the thing that takes me out!" After the stone worm and the Photosphere and everything else...!
From just looking at Lan, one would be forgiven for thinking she's the same as every other Drifter to set foot on Filgaia. She seems normal enough, sunny enough, kind enough. But surely every Drifter has a secret of their own - otherwise, why leave home to chase their dreams across a harsh landscape?
"Hmm? Oh, uh - I mean, aside from the leg I'm fine! I was taking a break to try and make a hat for Gwen. I mean I know she's cute even without hair but for a girl, that's really important, you know? Though," she amends after a moment's thought, "yours is pretty long too, so I guess you'd understand, wouldn't you?"
Is she dodging the question, or is she just that flighty??
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
"Well..." He hesitates a moment, then smiles a touch sheepishly. "I must admit, it was not so much 'while I studied' as much as it was 'while I was tinkering with machinery'! When one is engaged with something that has their full attention, it is quite easy to lose track of one's body..." Citan shakes his head and sighs.
She seems as if she's doing fine -- quite well in fact, by the look of her. But if there is one thing that he is aware of it is this simple fact:
Appearances are often quite deceiving.
"Oh, was that what you were doing? That is kind of you, Lan," he says, switching to a more familiar name. After all, at this point, don't they sort of know one another? "I am sure she will appreciate it." There is a pause, in which he absently touches the trailing end of his own ponytail. "...Yes, I believe for many women 'their hair is their glory', or something to that effect? My own wife, in fact... ah, but I am getting sidetracked."
He takes a step closer, and perhaps in this moment Lan might be reminded of another context in which she had met the doctor, and that had been in the context of an expedition they had conducted together...
Which had also been in the presence of Leah Sadalbari.
"To be quite honest, I had been hoping to run into you, Lan," he says, briefly touching a pair of fingers to the rims of his spectacles. "Gwen had... expressed concern for you."
He lets that sentiment hang in the air a moment, as if to see first how she reacts.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
By now, they're certainly a little beyond 'acquaintances'. Maybe soon they'll even be friends! Lan wouldn't say no to the idea of another one of those. "In a lot of cultures, hair is sacred too. Some Baskar never cut their hair. It's not quite like that in my village, but I've known others who had hair even longer than mine." Huh, so he's married? It's not too surprising when she thinks about it; Citan seems like the sort of person who would enjoy being settled down. "Oh, how long have you been married? Congratulations!" Even if it's been a long time, it's still something worth celebrating.
He adjusts his glasses. It's not the same way that Loren does - Loren always puts his fingers on the bridge of his glasses, and also always manages to look like they've personally offended him. She hopes he's doing well, wherever he is. "--Hm? Gwen..." It's true that the girls have been spending a lot of time together, especially since...
Lan's head lowers a bit, letting her gaze fall away for a few moments. "...What'd Gwen say?" she asks.
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
"Yes, so I have heard. In certain circles, the cutting of the hair can be a mark of absolute shame. I have even heard of a belief where cutting one's own hair is an affront to one's parents. The reason being, the body is a gift from one's parents, and hence any alteration..."
She then... offers her congratulations on his marriage, which leaves Citan looking -- briefly -- a touch poleaxed. "Ah... my thanks. However, we have been married for nine years already."
And he hasn't seen her for nearly four.
Lan, when he edges vaguely towards the matter, seems uneasy. His gaze lingers on her a moment, as if to measure briefly the weight of that feeling.
"It would seem that the both of you have... a shared encounter with a partcular individual, one might say." He glances to one side, as if to check for the topic in question himself.
"...Gwen had named him 'the Stranger'."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
"Even if it was a while ago, isn't it still worth celebrating?" Especially with how his face had briefly changed when mentioning his wife - whoever she is, she's surely loved.
Lan certainly does seem a bit uneasy when he moves closer and closer to That Topic. How many people know now? Do they know about the... the power, the memories, sleeping inside of her? Gwen understands her, but other people might not.
Calm down, calm down. If Gwen spoke to Citan about it, it's probably all right. And he's a doctor. Maybe he's just curious. Maybe there's something he can do.
"...I called him that," she says quietly, after a long moment of silence. "Because he never told me his name. Because the name that Solaris gave him, Azazel, he said wasn't his."
It'll be all right. She's learning to control it. It won't happen again.
She's gone very still.
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
"Well, er, yes, but..." Citan hazards, apparently somewhat off-kilter when the topic rounds about him and Yui. 'But she isn't here', is what he doesn't say, instead opting to trail off like that.
The topic at hand soon shifts, though.
He waits as she remains silent, giving her by all appearances the time she needs. He's patient that way. But his work is the sort that ill invites impatience.
"'Azazel'," he echoes, crinkling his forehead. "Is that what they call him..." Citan shakes his head, then, regarding her again.
"Would you like to talk to me about what happened? ...If it is any consolation, Gwen has spoken to me some of her own encounter." He pauses again, before finishing, "But please, do not feel as if you must."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
"They called him that. The Watcher said that while they didn't know his name, they needed one to refer to him by. So... they chose that." Did it have to be so... spooky-sounding, is what she might have asked in any other life, in any other situation. But it suits the Stranger well enough.
She's quiet again for a few moments, looking, it seems, anywhere but Citan. She ought to. It wasn't her fault, what he did to her. Maybe Citan can help.
"...I met him once, three years ago. I was younger and stupid and I didn't recognize how dangerous he was. We fought, and he hurt me really badly, and I think... I think that's how he got in. The first time, I mean." Lan finally looks back up at the doctor, and lays a hand over the puckered scar on her abdomen. "That was when I got this. He..." She can say it now without wanting to faint or be sick. "He stabbed me, and when we came to close quarters again he put his arm in the wound. I don't know how I managed to survive. I felt him... he was reaching for my heart, and--"
She takes a deep, shuddering breath, but continues. "Since then I've had dreams. Worse and worse. Sometimes I'm dead, and sometimes dying. I can't trust my own mind anymore, not all the time. Is... is Gwen the same way?" Lan asks, after a moment. "She always seems so... I don't know. Okay. Like, until now, with... with Setanta and all, but--"
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
'The Watcher said...'
His expression doesn't so much as twitch. But hadn't Leah at least seemed as if he'd been familiar to her? Hadn't he seemed as if Leah was familiar to him?
"I... see," he says at last.
He prompts her to speak of what happened to her. And perhaps Lan has been waiting a very long time for someone to tell about what had happened to her, because...
Because it all comes spilling out. She'd been younger, hadn't realized who he was or how dangerous he was. She touches her stomach. Says he'd stabbed her there.
It hadn't been the only time. He'd come after her again. He'd--
"Lan," the doctor says suddenly. "Would you prefer to sit down? What you are telling me is... It seems to have been difficult for you." Which is a round-about way of saying, 'perhaps she should sit down before she faints'. Perhaps she might not actually faint, but suffice to say, Citan has traveled in the company of people shattered by certain horrific experiences before.
Has Gwen had the same dreams, she asks.
Citan's response to her is to nod the once, silently confirming what she has said.
"It appears that our 'Stranger' has a pattern..."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
"I'm fine." She isn't. But she will be. Even now, she's better than she was before. "I mean... I know it sounds... like it sounds. But I'm stronger now. I'm not going to faint or anything," she tries to reassure him, hand dropping away from her abdomen before she tries to rest it briefly on his shoulder instead. "I'm stronger now. ...And I'm tired of being afraid all the time."
She lets her hand down, and it hovers a bit aimlessly before Lan jams it into her pocket. "I know he put that... Setanta in Gwen." If she understands it right. "What he put into me... it was different. I had... I don't know if they ever really happened. But there was a friend I had, and that friend might not have been real, and he might have been part of the Stranger all along. He used a word I don't really understand, but you might - when Ashansi tried to fight back against the Stranger, the Stranger called him a 'self-attenuation'. I never got to ask anybody what it means, but--" There's a sudden strange, raw feeling in her chest a little bit like hope. Maybe not that Asha will come back, or wake up, or whatever, but that she finally might just understand a little better.
"Do you know what that means?" And Lan looks so hopeful, even if that hope is fragile. Just like dreams, just like people.
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
She isn't fine, whatever she might say. But neither does Citan Uzuki press the matter, instead simply nodding as she makes that declaration. He stands there, permitting her to rest her hand on his shoulder and doesn't say anything.
To that part of her remarks, that is.
He frowns when she speaks of Gwen -- how the Stranger is responsible for Setanta's presence in Gwen. There had been that presence during and to the end of her possession, a sense that the world had been flipped on its axis--
Yes, of course it had been 'him'. He had not seen the Stranger, but there was no mistaking that pressure in the air.
He speaks of none of these to Lan, instead considering her a moment as she continues to explain. She speaks eventually of what the Stranger had placed inside her.
It had been a 'friend'.
"Self-attenuation..." he echoes, his gaze not on her now but somewhere above and past her, as if he were deep in thought. "Could that be..." He glances back at her. "Perhaps he meant it in another sense, but I am most familiar in the context of 'attenuation' in the sense of 'extinction' -- that is, something that reduces the flux intensity of... ah, perhaps a better example might be the way that light is slowly decreased as it moves through water," Citan says, shifting gears as he realizes perhaps that a formal explanation of the definition might be a little inappropriate.
"In this case, it may mean that it is... something that reduces that effect it casts off by itself. Let us say you had an item that was emitting a force from within it, but not all of that force escaped the object itself. The object itself has slightly attenuated the effect. In the case of this... of the person you experienced..."
He pauses a moment.
"I would take it to mean that the person himself had some attenuating effect on the Stranger."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
She's able to follow him just a little bit - that is, until he starts talking about something called 'flux density'. His simplified explanation isn't much better, sadly, but after giving it some thought Lan thinks she might have sort of an idea. "So... basically, Ashansi kept some of the Stranger's power from leaking out of him? Or--" That doesn't seem quite right. Brow furrowed, she tries again. Like light fading away through water. That part seems more important, if maybe only because water had been so crucial in some of those nightmares.
Water spilling out, water shallow enough to lie comfortably in if it weren't for the invading chill, water deep enough to have no bottom. She skirts around the idea.
"...What I'd thought he meant was that... maybe Asha was a part of himself that didn't want to hurt anybody. That became free, even if it was only for a little while. He said he wanted to protect me." He said that he loved her, but Lan doesnt think that was the Stranger talking. She hopes not.
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
He is silent again.
"It may be... something like that," Citan says at last, glancing up at the ceiling as if he were in thought. "Things such as 'a personality' are not as... straightforward as we may think. It is possible that it had been 'a part of him' that became detached, or perhaps it was an element of his psyche from the very beginning. Or..."
He shakes his head, glancing back at her.
Fei and Id are also two aspects within the same person. Two 'personalities', one might say.
But it's the same question. Which was spun off from the other? Or is the question instead, which was there in the beginning? Or, perhaps...
Perhaps he's gotten it wrong from the start in assuming this is the meaning and purpose for his 'halves'. Perhaps the answer is something he hasn't yet been able to see.
"...Is that what you were hoping for, Lan?"
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
Is that what she was hoping for?
"...I don't know," she has to admit, glancing away for a moment. It sounds silly, when she says it out loud. Lan knows that even if the Stranger did have some small part of himself that didn't want to do the things he does, it was likely carved away years ago. It wouldn't take away the things he's done. It wouldn't undo the hurt.
But it sounds nice. "What I think happened... at least, what feels the most right, to me, after thinking about it for so long, is that... the Stranger made Asha. He made him into someone fun, and funny, and encouraging, and just crazy enough to not be perfect. Someone just for me." Someone that Lan would have no problem accepting. "But Asha was human enough to grow his own will, and his own wants. To..." She struggles for a moment to find the right words, grasping at straws.
"--To become real, even if it couldn't last forever. --Does that make any sense? It sounds ridiculous," she sighs, and throws up her hands with a huff of breath. "Geez. Even now, he's causing me nothing but headaches!"
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
"...I see."
It might be hard to tell, at first blush, precisely what the doctor is thinking about all this. Pensive, he folds his arms over his chest, as if to consider to turn the matter over in his mind while Lan keeps talking.
"That is entirely possible," Citan says, at last. "In that, it is not entirely dissimilar from our... own personalities. A personality is shaped by the constraints and environment around it: we rebound off of the personalities of others and shape their own in turn. From what I know about the Stranger's powers from Gwen..."
Citan pauses here, looking Lan over, as if to consider her afresh.
"It is not... I cannot be certain, but I do not think the scenario you described is impossible. The powers that the Stranger wields are, forgive me, somewhat fascinating... but as you can certainly attest, also terrifying."
To become real. What is 'real'?
He nods slowly. "No, what you are saying does make sense to me, as improbable as it may seem. 'Self-attenuation'... a means by which his own powers might be weakened..."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
It sounds impossible. A shard of someone else's power can't have feelings, or a personality, or a soul. But Lan has seen it, and felt it, and even if none of it was real - even if every single interaction they'd ever shared was all in her mind while her body slept, it still feels as real as any memory she brought with her from Little Firelight.
"It's like that saying. What was it, uh... beer takes the shape of its bottle!" That sounds close enough, at least. But the thought does seem to cheer her a bit, somehow - mostly because even if she couldn't love Ashansi back, maybe in the end she did manage to help him as much as she must have hurt him.
"Thanks, doc," she smiles, a bit weakly, a bit shyly. "Even if we probably won't ever know for sure, it makes me feel a little better."
Better because, "Maybe Asha didn't die, or go to sleep, or whatever, for nothing. If it might help us against the Stranger, then..." Well. Maybe it won't have been worth it. It will still be bittersweet. But maybe one day they can all breathe a little freer because of it.
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
Citan manages -- barely -- to keep a straight face when Lan makes that remark. "It is... something like that, yes," he says after taking the moment to again perfectly compose himself. "I have also heard it put as 'the mind is the plaything of the body'. ...Though, I must admit, the intent of that particular saying is somewhat different..." he adds, fidgeting with his spectacles a moment as if slightly... chagrined?
Still -- it seems as if he may have been able to give her some peace.
"Indeed... you are quite welcome. With matters of the mind and, yes, personality it is rather complicated. I would not worry too much over it."
Given the concerns that currently occupy his own mind, however--
Doctor, take thy own medicine, is another saying that may be appropriate at the moment.
"Yes, perhaps so. Let us hope so," he says, looking past her for the moment.
"In any case..." Citan says, his attention returning to her, "please do feel free to speak to me about this. I assure you, I will keep this confidential." He unfolds his arms to gesture outwards. "I am a doctor, after all!"