2023-07-02: Unforgiven
- Log: Unforgiven
- Cast: Xander Lovell, Riley Arwell
- Where: Sylvaland City
- Date: July 2, 2023
- Summary: Rattled by Ruth's memories as witnessed in the Iris Gems, Xander is unable to process his complicated feelings on the matter without his partner's help. Takes place almost immediately after Devils Have Hair After All.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander had told Riley he had a quick errand to run. If Riley chose to stalk him for it, it wouldn't have been a disaster, or at least Xander thought not. It was more embarrassment about having concern for anyone else (of course) that kept Xander from being forthright about his intentions. Now that the 'errand' in question is over, Xander is torn between relief Riley hadn't been there to witness it, and wishing Riley had been there with him as a grounding agent.
What good did it do for any of them to see it? Ruth's past cannot be changed, and her suffering is enough without any judgment being thrown her way. Least of all by him, who is a monster too, thank you very much. But he did always think, if he'd done things differently that day, he still would have been a monster, just a different kind of one. One he could never live with. One that does repulse him to think others could.
He is so plagued by his grim thoughts that, when Xander finally returns and sees Riley, he flinches, as if startled by a sudden presence when he's the one arriving. His face scrunches up, threatening toward sorrow before forcibly tensing, and then gets hidden when Xander more or less throws himself at Riley, burying his face against his chest.
One arm latches onto him tightly. The other holds up a fruit frappe, offering it in silence. It's still cold and plenty slushy. Seraph magic might help, but ultimately, Xander wasn't gone that long.
The second Riley takes it, this will free up Xander's other arm for increased clinging. That this may make it more difficult for Riley to consume his gift is not currently under consideration.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley, meanwhile, spent their brief separation having a misadventure related to acquiring a proper ring for Xander. Since he did not actually have the funds to buy a ring on such short notice, this involved trading random favors and objects until he worked his way up to an item of equivalent value that he could exchange for one.
Xander will find him looking a bit mussed, with a chicken feather or two in his hair and a few splotches of paint on his person.
But, for the moment at least, Xander has many more things on his mind than Riley's disarray. Riley's eyes widen with concern as Xander greets him with obvious distress, puzzling over the frozen concoction that is offered into his hands. It looks delicious but...! But perhaps now is not the time?!
"Xander, what-- what happened??"
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
There's a palpable contrast between Riley's attempts on his life and what Xander's witnessed. He'd be annoyed by this lesson from the universe if he wasn't feeling so raw. Sure, he's still going to yell and gnash and throw Riley into the ocean about it, but it's different.
The unfortunate truth is, even Xander himself isn't sure why he's having such trouble processing this.
He shakes his head against Riley's chest in what's a frustratingly honest response. "Nothing."
Nothing happened. Not today. Whatever happened already happened a long time ago. Xander sighs. He feels like staying here for an hour and a half. It occurs to him after a beat that while this is technically true, it's not a satisfying answer.
But what is he even supposed to say? That he saw an upsetting memory stored in a stupid rock?
"...I saw an upsetting memory stored in a stupid rock."
OKAY SURE FINE.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
'No' is not an encouraging answer under these circumstances. But before Riley has to shake the truth out of him, Xander answers -- ...I saw an upsetting memory stored in a stupid rock.
Riley sets the fruit concoction on a side table so that he can grasp Xander more securely, putting his hands on his shoulders. "What memory...?"
Something related to Cereza? But how could anyone have stored that in a rock?
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Riley's concern is making this feel all the more mortifying. Xander jerks his head up when he hears Riley putting the offering of a fruit based treat to the side. He stares at Riley in abject alarm. God damn it, is he making this a bigger deal than it is? It feels like a crisis now.
But with it all riding on Xander's shoulders, he can only avert his eyes again and smoosh his face back against Riley. "It wasn't one of my memories. Drink your fruit concoction before it melts."
Some of the tension starts to leave Xander's shoulders, but all this concern means Xander actually does have to try and process and articulate why he's so bothered.
"...It was... something of Ruth's. The gargoyle. I shouldn't have looked at it. Nobody should have looked at it."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley is told to drink the fruit concoction, and his eyes flick to it with yearning. "...Come sit with me," he says, figuring he can split the difference between soothing Xander and drinking the fruit concoction if he settles him into his lap. He guides Xander down with him into a chair, arranging them into a position where he can stroke Xander's back while sipping the drink.
"...Oh my god, it's so good. I'm sorry, Xander, I knew it would distract me...! Ruth? You saw something from her past?"
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
There is no fussing or squirming from Xander, not even the most token of resistance, as he'd led curl up in a chair against Riley and accept the comfort. Xander shifts his head a little to see how Riley takes to the frappe, only letting himself close his eye after. Well, at least they have that.
Why talk about anything at all? Riley's happy with fruit and Xander can check out for a moment, and then everybody can pretend nothing happened. Is this even his story to go around repeating? Xander murders for Riley and he's not about to keep others' secrets from him. Sorry to everyone, and anyone.
"It's... not even that important," Xander says, exasperated. With himself, clearly. And yet his reaction was whole bodied and unpleasant. "I caught wind other people were looking into it. It seemed... suspicious. I don't know. She obviously carries more guilt than we do. But she's trying, and I didn't want -- I..." Xander reddens, and now he fidgets, fiercely looking aside. "...I... guess I thought they might... hold something against her that was already over."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"You wanted to protect her?" Riley says easily, as if such a question isn't likely to make Xander spasm with denial. "I... guess it's not surprising that whatever's in her past is upsetting, but..." Is it simply a case of Xander's sensitivity getting the best of him, and him feeling sad on her behalf for whatever grief and tragedy is in her past?
Or something more personal? He pauses to sip the tasty and wonderful drink, mulling.
"Was there something you recognized in it? Or just... very sad things to have to see?"
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander flinches against Riley in what is almost certainly a confirmation he does not want to communicate. The tension in him only coils tighter as Riley tries to guess at what Xander's feeling. Sometimes, there's something Xander's feeling that's being pulled out of him forcibly as he tries to bury and hide it. But right now...
Was there something you recognized in it?
... It's like Riley reaching into the muck and casually yanking out a raw piece of it Xander hadn't found.
His fingers curl into Riley's shirt a little, gripping.
"There was someone who loved her," Xander says, quieter with each word.
"And there was a pyre. An offering had to be made." Why, Xander isn't entirely clear anymore. A part of a mission. Something. It just 'had to be done' -- he doesn't know about Ignas' history enough. "...I don't know that she... hesitated when she made him the sacrifice."
Xander wasn't supposed to hesitate, either. But why is it so different? Maybe it's not. Maybe he was 'supposed' to do it, and everyone would say it was horrible and tragic, but some group of Drifters would pick him up and try to teach him to move on. Isn't it sad, they'd say. But nothing can be done anymore, they'd say. You're our friend now, they'd say, like it didn't matter that much, not really, and Xander understands why Ruth feels so much resistance to everyone's kindness now, but also feels cold, curling in on himself further.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"She sacrificed her..." Riley stops himself from finishing that sentence with 'loved one.'
"Did you get any of the details? Like why it had to be him? Did she know about his feelings? Did she return them?"
Riley knows such details aren't going to alter the chord it struck with Xander. Did the story feel to him like a road he almost traveled, another path he might have taken after they learned the true purpose of the purification potion from the priests?
And Riley's intention to misuse that potion put Xander into such a state earlier...
His hand continues to smooth over Xander's back, as he contemplates what exactly the wound might be here so that he might try to soothe it.
"It... it does sound a little like what happened with us," Riley ventures cautiously. "Except you heroically withstood all the pressure and fought priests to save me... fought ‘'me’’ to save me, too..." That's what he's calling Xander losing an eye to his violent outburst today.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
"Not a lot," Xander admits of details. "There was a ring with their names..." But why did it have to be Boaz? Because... "...She must have. Or it wouldn't have been a 'sacrifice'. But... maybe she didn't realize completely..."
They only saw it. They didn't experience it. But even with those details, it's all enough. It cuts too close, and Riley finds it while he reaches around. Riley trying to kill him is a different situation -- a terrible, complicated one Xander loves to throw fits about, yes, but it's not this strange flavor of sacrifice followed by everyone's sorrow and forgiveness.
For a moment, Xander allows himself the indulgence of Riley's attention. It is calming while his thoughts continue to storm around aimlessly, letting him try and sift through them.
"...They would have forgiven me," Xander finally says, gaze dangerously empty and voice haunted. He huffs a sound like a dead laugh. "The whole world would have just... eventually forgiven it..."
And the potion. That stupid potion. Something that's a boon to them, a tiny 'miracle', a good thing and not some horrible creation that should be buried and reviled. It's a realization that writhes inside him, disgusting and incomprehensible. Xander does not need, nor does he want, their forgiveness. But he always thought that was because he was aloof to it, not because it suddenly feels actively sickening. (Nevermind it's a different crime anyone would be debating forgiveness over now. The wires have crossed for the moment.)
"I hate everything," he says, exhausted, but at least now with more characteristic deadpan than fragility.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"Why is it... so bad for it to be forgiven?" Riley asks, delicately, accompanying the question with a grounding touch against his back in case it should send Xander's soul fleeing from his body. Riley can tell Xander has a lot of pain tied up in this idea, but he isn't sure if it's the fear of being "unforgivable" himself that's hurting him. But Xander didn't ever betray him (while Riley has time and time again), so why...? "You've forgiven me. Sort of."
He pauses, uncertain.
"Do you not want her to be?"
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
"That's not the same," Xander replies of Riley's forgiveness, not too quickly, like every word and thought must pass through a maze of fog while his soul is debating untethering from his body. But then to be asked about Ruth...
Xander hesitates, and his head is clears in a way that's almost infuriating. He's being comforted and held and he's talking about his feelings, and somehow it's actually all... working. A very clear idea pulses in his heart, feelings crystalizing. Whether or not he wants Ruth forgiven and why the betrayal Riley gets up to, however upsetting, really isn't the same...
"I wouldn't want her tortured with forgiveness."
He sits up, shifting to face Riley with a confidence to him that fills the void being shaken left behind. He cradles Riley's head in his palms, looking at him longer than his tolerance for eye contact usually allows, letting his thumbs stroke. There's no contemplation on his face -- he seems to be just... soaking in the moment. Maybe that's grounding, too.
Then he leans in and allows himself to indulge in a kiss, surprisingly animated for how sullen he arrived.
"A world without you is unforgivable... and I'd never want absolution for anyone who made me exist in it."
Even if -- especially if -- by some horrible possibility it ever would have been himself. Not all crimes are equal.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley forgiveness is different. "...Because I'm special and you love me?" Riley ventures shamelessly. He has concluded that this may mean he can get away with just about anything, for better or worse.
But Xander's thoughts around Ruth coalesce, and a puzzling sentence comes out of his mouth, revealing that Riley has misunderstood the whole conversation. "Tortured by forgiveness..." he echoes. "...so being forgiven is the punishment?" he concludes. "You don't think she would want it."
But then Riley is kissed, and cherished with powerful sentiments, and momentarily loses his place in the conversation as his heart leaps. "Xander..."
He blinks, regathering himself. Could a moment be more perfect?
"Xander, I... I need you in my world, too." He grasps his hands, holding one of them captive in particular. "I wouldn't know what to do in a world without you. I'd have to jump off." He takes out the ring he acquired earlier, threading it onto Xander's finger and securing it to the already artfully looped chain.
"Please marry me so my heart will always have a home and I won't have to leap off the planet and roam the emptiness of space to look for one."
He smiles hopefully. If Riley can be married various times, hopefully Xander won't mind an extra engagement.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Because I'm special and you love me?
Xander's face goes flat, palm against Riley as if to shove him. Like so often in such moments, Xander does not. Nor does he voice a protest. Riley is special and Xander does love him, and that's probably not a nonfactor. It's just not what Xander's emotions are grappling with right now...!
But by some miracle of Riley's attention and careful questioning, Xander has untangled his rattled heart. Xander wouldn't want forgiveness. And the way Ruth holds onto the Malevolence... It would hurt more, he thinks. It would if it were him.
There's a peace that comes with clarity, letting everything quietly settle back into place. Riley's right -- Xander didn't do that, and doesn't have to live without Riley while listening to anyone forgive him about it. The world may have its cruelties, but they still have each other.
...Leave it to Riley to know exactly what must be done to rip Xander from any semblance of composure.
The very start of this confession gets the smallest utterance of protest, dying away as Xander's face heats up the more words Riley keeps adding. He tries to string up some response to cut Riley off, but it comes too late, ring on his finger, fastened together with the chain.
That's not -- but didn't they already -- there was no reason for --
Xander stares at it, mouth open but not a lot of sound coming out, while he ventures to touch the ring. First he flinches back like it burned him, but then he gently presses against it as he feels it between his fingers, like he means to embed it into his flesh. Riley's words spend some extra time bouncing in his skull, and it's been several moments too long without Xander saying anything.
This seems to occur to him eventually. Xander pinches his eye shut and buries himself against Riley's shoulder, nodding against him. There is going to need to be a verbal response at some point, but that ability has been mercilessly stolen.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley has some time to recover from his own confession as he watches Xander panic, cautiously make first contact with the ring, and then swiftly begin to treasure it. Has anyone in the world ever been this endearing?? Riley really would have to wander through eternity to find another Xander.
He laughs happily as Xander folds against him to nod his agreement, wrapping his arms around him.
"Good, I thought you would say that," he says, although Xander hasn't said anything.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander tries to growl, but it's really more of a whiny grunt. Riley knew he'd react this way, the jerk...! He must have! But all the panic -- well, the buzzing energy of it doesn't quite leave, but it subsides enough under Xander's control for him to look up at Riley, scowling. He presses a quick kiss to Riley's cheek and tries to sigh out the tension of being deliberately and maliciously(?) wound up.
"Of course you did." This is an accusation. But then he softens. "...The answer could only ever be 'yes'. So stay out of space."
That's about as long as he can maintain eye contact, but at least there's the plausible deniability of fussing over the ring to inspect it today. Actually, wait, no, this is also a mistake. Xander clasps his fingers in his other hand and then against his chest. It is as protective as it is concealing. From himself.
Didn't he already agree with himself these things didn't mean anything to him anymore...?!
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"I will remain on this planet with you," Riley responds, beaming serenely.
Riley glows with further delighted pride as Xander reaches a new adorable stage of protectiveness and/or fear of the ring.
"Ehehe, proposing to you was so satisfying, I should do it more often."
Is there really a danger of such a thing happening?? ... Xander has ten fingers... perhaps Riley would dare to put rings on all of them...
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
It was an impulsive quip, but if it really came down to it, Xander doesn't care what planet they're both on.
"But I told you I didn't need a ring," Xander scolds as he slowly, so very slowly, unfurls to look at the ring again, trying to actually take in the details this time. He appreciates for the first time how Riley had made the effort to make sure it fit with the chain. Sentiment is more important, and Xander hasn't been much for adornments since Cereza, but it... looks nice.
Riley then threatens him, for no good reason.
Xander bristles, looking to him too quickly with too much alarm when being stoic would have obviously been the better defensive choice. "What."
He looks back at his hand. Given his possessiveness of the chain, Riley may have already figured out additional proposals wouldn't need a ring. And Xander did say he didn't need a ring, now and before. Did he accidentally give Riley permission to do this infinitely?!
"Y -- You can just say things without making a proposal out of it!"
Xander you barely survived what Riley was saying the second before you realized what he was doing.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
There was not much opportunity for premeditation with the ring, but Riley did find one with a braided design etched into it, perhaps to further echo the chains binding their fates that Xander treasures. There is also a small hole bored into it to physically connect to the chain so there can be no doubt they are one unit.
Xander reminds him he said he didn't need a ring. Riley shakes his head. "I wanted a second chance at ringing you."
Y -- You can just say things without making a proposal out of it!
"What's the harm in proposing to you every now and then..." Riley protests. Surely it's better than trying to give him final farewells all the time?
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
"I won't ask where you got it as long as you promise me you didn't get it through a pact with a devil chicken."
Xander has, despite Riley's continued provocations, finally recovered enough to fuss over Riley properly. He picks the chicken feathers out of his hair, combing his fingers through Riley's bangs to smooth them out. For the paint, he first tries to bite his own sleeve cuff to pull it over the heel of his hand and rub them out, but furrows his brow, making a face and then getting a vial of something from his bag to gently rub them out. It smells vaguely of cloves.
"What's the harm..." Xander repeats, exasperated, as if the answer should be plainly obvious.
He sighs the more he fusses, settling into something resembling calm.
"...Whatever," he says, but his tone has gone fond. "Do what you want."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley blinks at the chicken reference, only for all to become clear when Xander starts cleaning him up.
"Well, there was a chicken but probably not a devil chicken..." Riley explains. "It had escaped and was running around the market. I helped catch it and was given an egg, and then I cooked up the egg for a hungry toy stall keeper who had missed breakfast, and told him about my mission to earn a ring, and he gave me a wooden flute and mentioned that he noticed the hat shop needed a new sign, so I traded the flute to get paint and then painted them a new sign, and as thanks the hatmaker let me choose something from the hat trimmings, and I chose a ribbon that had a lot of shiny sequins, which caught the eye of a passing bird who swooped in and stole it, but then it came back and brought me a jeweled hair comb.... which I used to buy the ring!"
Having told this tale, Riley beams with pride at this combination of hustle and good fortune.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander sighs and nods along as Riley tells his store, rolling his eye the more absurd it becomes, but ever dutiful in removing the debris from the over convoluted trade system.
Right up until Riley gets to the bird. Xander sputters and almost falls into Riley by virtue of their proximity as this reality robs him of balance.
"A passing bird -- and it --" Xander pinches the bridge of his own nose, taking a deep, slow breath in and out. But isn't there something fitting in Xander acquiring his ring with undersea treasure and Riley by the grace of passing birds? Xander refuses to concede this.
He returns instead to rubbing out another smudge on Riley's face, then takes hold of it to give him a final assessment for any spots that may have been missed. The way he's squinting suggests he may also be assessing Riley in judgment for the way the universe bends to his whims.
"I suppose a bird based economy is appropriate for you."
All right, maybe Xander does concede this.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley smiles at the attention, and Xander's (dismay? delight?) at the story, followed by his conclusion that Riley is suited to a bird-based economy. He nods.
"It was a shame you couldn't meet the bird," Riley says. "Maybe it will come to the wedding."
Given how the rest of this has gone, maybe it... MIGHT?
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
"Sure, sure, and maybe Alex will come to the wedding," Xander replies in sarcastic exasperation.
But the corner of his mouth is twitching upward in a telling way -- telling for Riley more than for himself.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"Alex...!! I wonder how he's doing. He's certainly invited..."
The corner of Xander's mouth twitches. Riley feels himself gaining power...
He settles his hands on Xander's shoulders. "I suppose soon I should stop tormenting you about weddings and start tormenting you about your birthday. I think I'm about prepared to celebrate it properly, now..."
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander feels like he's being braced for something. Why is Riley bracing him for something?
His mouth falls open, eye wide and staring into nothing as the horror catches up to him.
"... I forgot about that."
Focus cautiously returns, finding Riley and eyeing him like he may have just become an enemy.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley is pinned beneath a wary gaze, and smiles with all the innocence he can muster.
"Don't you worry about it, Xander. I’m just kidding about the torment. Only nice things for your birthday. Pancakes, a song, and I will spirit you away far from human society for a special surprise.... You'll love it. I promise."
Hm. That sounded ominous. Why does everything ambiguous sound like he’s threatening murder, now? He really only has himself to blame for that...
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander coils his fingers into Riley's vest, looming closer and tugging as if this is going to help him establish any degree of grip on the birthday itself. His squint sharpens, searching Riley's face for unspoken evils lurking inside him.
"I'd better," he says, because that's all he's willing to say on the counterpoint of ominous life ending surprises. Riley, at least, is well aware by now Xander's feelings on attempts on his life and thus would not promise Xander's enjoyment. At least, Xander's still willing to believe that.
Some of his tension eases. Only barely, but his fingers aren't clawed in quite so tightly. It's coming. Eventually. Xander's not ready to let go yet. He never will be. He'll fight it. But they don't have to fight right now. And when they do, it won't be like what he witnessed.
"...Just... stay with me."
A request more intense than he meant it with all the lingering feelings. What, does he think Riley would dump him into a delightful frog pond then wander off on his birthday? But he needs Riley to stay -- even, especially, during the ugliest acts either one of them might driven to do.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
The urgency of the request to stay catches Riley off guard, and he softens, smoothing his hands over Xander's back. Wasn't that Xander's birthday wish last year, too? To stay within his sight? Is this such a persistent wound in Xander because of when he did leave for so long?
The harm done by that... stupid misunderstanding. If only there were a way to take that back. If he'd slowed down just a little to listen and question and think rather than running off as fast as he could to protect his own feelings...
It would have solved so much for them both.
"Don't worry, I won't want to miss a moment of it," he assures.
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander settles against Riley again, letting himself relax. He is wounded today, though maybe not in the same way Riley's thinking. Not that his scars haven't been known to rip open easily. But he's gotten greedy since that day all those years ago. It felt like a crime to want it. Xander's made of too many crimes now to care.
"Good," he affirms, starting to sound appropriately cranky again. "Then I guess I can accept this birthday."
Xander, you did not ever have a choice.
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"Yess!" Riley nuzzles him, happily accepting the return to comfortable grumpiness. "I would hate for you to get trapped forever in the space between birthdays."
An ominous glint in his eye. Has Riley invented some new metaphysical threat?
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander accepts his nuzzling with a token noise, but most certainly does not squirm away from it.
It's only the new sparkle of Riley's eye that turns his expression narrowere and flatter. "You would not hate that."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
"Hmm... an eternal, unaging Xander, cut off from the world in a birthday void... ... it sounds more like something you would like.."
He hums thoughtfully. "I want to give you pancakes, but if you would like to try to deny your birthday hard enough to fall into a rift in the universe, just be sure to grasp onto my hand and drag me in with you."
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
Xander growls and shoves his hand into Riley, which does nothing with the way they're situated together. "I would not like that!" The edge in his tone sounds too much like he would like that and must protest on principle. But Riley is already well aware.
Despite his argument, he sighs and takes hold of Riley's hand and tightens his grip on it.
...
"...Seeing as we're not falling anywhere, maybe you should stick to your pancake plan."
<Pose Tracker> Riley Arwell has posed.
Riley gives Xander a knowing smile at the attempted protest, and squeezes Xander's hand in turn.
"Pancakes it is, then. And we can always keep an eye out for a birthday rift just in case."
It would be a better option than what the real not-so-distant future holds...
<Pose Tracker> Xander Lovell has posed.
It would be a better option. Xander is considering, for the moment, if anything like that is possible... To escape into some void before Valmar takes them. Or death does.
His grip squeezes again before relaxing. But he does not let go.
"Mm."