2024-02-02: Don't Want to Let You Fall
- Log: Don't Want to Let You Fall
- Cast: Lan Lilac, Loren Voss
- Where: Viridian City - Emerald Way
- Date: February 02, 2024
- Summary: After a somewhat anticlimactic reunion (and discovering that Lan was, in fact, not kidnapped by Team Rocket), Eleanor had left Loren and Lan to their own devices. It goes... well, it goes.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
It seems that even ice cream can be awkward...
Or it can be made awkward by the presence of awkwardness around it, like how tofu absorbs the flavors of whatever it's cooked with. Lan didn't know this about ice cream. But if she had, she probably still would have invited Loren and Eleanor to have some with her. It's a reward and a thanks for taking care of the Lunatone and Lan's things.
When neither of them seemed keen on having a heart-to-heart with another person there (or in the middle of a dessert parlor), Eleanor had bid them temporary farewell. (Maybe if they have a few minutes alone, they'll Get On With It).
That somehow rolled into Lan and Loren walking aimlessly through the streets of Viridian City, once again not talking abut what they really do need to talk about. She's been carrying her Pokemon in her arms the entire time, despite its weight and despite it being perfectly capable of floating along under its own power.
Lan is still polite, but almost painfully distant. Like she's trying so hard to find and maintain a new balance between what comes naturally to her, and what Loren said he wanted (like Loren tried so hard, for her).
They have not talked about Azoth either.
And Lan still hasn't put down the Lunatone. "And after that James dug out a skirt and a shirt for me, and these really ridiculous high heels that were really hard to walk in. But we made it to the department store once I figured out how to get around." She's looking on ahead. Not at him.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
It had been...
...extremely awkward.
In a more just and forgiving universe, Loren would have far rather parted ways after returning Lan's Lunatone, but unfortunately, the person he'd teamed up with to try and rescue Lan from Team Rocket* (*she had not actually needed rescuing and they would have been better suited if they had just camped out in the town with the spa) had been the meddling sort. And so Eleanor had revealed to Lan the depths to which Loren had sunk-- which is the say, the lengths he'd gone to prepare to save her. And take care of her Pokemon, though the Lunatone seems, if anything, outwardly mysterious on the subject of that.
At least there'd been ice cream.
But eventually Eleanor had said her farewells and left the two of them alone, which was probably her own subtle way of suggesting they get on with it -- the 'it' in this case being making up.
But it had been awkward. Even now as they wander the streets together... it's been awkward. He hasn't volunteered any information without her prompting the topic in question.
And there are some topics about which she hasn't asked.
Lan, at least, fills the void as best she can. Loren, if he had the option, would have already run away. Maybe she would have even let him run, as things are.
Maybe that's why he doesn't.
"Huh," Loren says, breaking his own silence (as he has, now and again). So that Jessie was okay with this James lending some random girl her stuff, he figures, because he doesn't know either of them beyond that encounter at the spa.
It's been like this between the two of them for several minutes now as they walk through town. Maybe it's even been a half-hour at this point: just her talking, him listening and occasionally making a sound. Her gaze is nowhere but dead ahead.
Loren, ultimately, is the one who caves first, looking over at her at last. "...Isn't that guy heavy?" he asks.
He's talking about the Lunatone.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
It's just that the last time they'd met up and tried to talk, it had gone so poorly. She hadn't said anything untrue, but that didn't change his circumstances, or his parents' circumstances. She had asked him to try, and he'd told her he couldn't - that he wouldn't.
Lan had moped for days. And then the Wise Men had made their appearance, and everybody there had been sucked through a doorway to Energy Nede, and Lan didn't exactly stop feeling depressed and betrayed but there were other things to focus on, which helped a little.
And now she's right back where he left her, in the street beside him, but this time Lan isn't trying to make him see reason. She hasn't brought it up once. Not even after Eleanor parted ways with them.
She hates this. She will learn to live with this. Surely it will get easier.
So she'll walk, and talk, and not say what she needs to. Because Lan hurts, and she can't be strong all the time.
"Huh?" She looks at Loren when he says actual words, and then looks down at the Lunatone. ...It's really too big for her to be carrying around, even though the Pokemon center's Nurse Joy had remarked about how small it is for a Lunatone. "I mean, not really? It was heavy for a second but then I guess I got used to it?"
Lunatone's eye rolls.
"It's weird how, once they're in the Pokeballs, they don't weigh anything at all, isn't it?" Lan remarks. "I mean, your Graveler must weigh a ton, it's a big rock." Nothing important. Just let her have a nice time with her friend.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
The last time they'd met and tried to talk, he'd just wanted to see her again. To do-- nothing in particular. To pretend that things were okay, that nothing was a mess and that everything was alright. But he hadn't been permitted the haze of ignorance, then or ever. She'd asked something impossible of him.
Of course he can't. Of course it's not possible. Even if he tried-- it's not as if he's some great hero or something. It's not like there's anything left he can afford to lose. Engil had seen fit to steal that from him, too.
There's still some bitterness and resentment, even after so much has changed.
He'd told her all that, as if it somehow made things easier about what had happened in that battle against Siegfried. And then he'd learned it had all been for nothing, anyway: the tragedy he'd hoped to avoid had ended up happening regardless.
And then when he'd met Lan again, she'd treated him like anyone else she might have met once or twice and had departed on her own path. He'd retreated to the nearest city center after that, feeling utterly deflated and lost. Maybe it'll scab and scar over in time, he'd thought -- still thinks. Maybe he just has to find his old equilibrium again. But Eleanor's already thrown a wrench into those plans of his.
Damn that woman.
Because even he can't be silent and pretend that nothing's wrong when everything's wrong forever.
Lan explains that the Lunatone, though, isn't heavy, and Loren's pensive expression gives way to open 'I can't believe this' as he reflects on the one thing he definitely knows about Lunatone, namely--
"...Doesn't it float," he says, flatly. This is who has left him feeling absolutely unmoored of late. This!!
"...I don't know how much it weighs," he admits, never having tried to lift Graveler because he'd learned one very important thing about his Graveler when training it, and it's the sort of thing that means that trying to pick it up -- or even getting too close to it -- are both very bad ideas. "And-- who knows. It's some technology... thing," he finishes, wobbling a hand vaguely and feeling the lamest. Like this, he can almost pretend things are 'normal'.
Except they're not. He can't forget that they're not.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
In Lan's arms, Lunatone makes a noise like rain falling on a tile roof. Lan sags - and keeps sagging, bending forward as her eyes boggle almost comically. "Whuh- hey--!" And then, perhaps feeling challenged, her stance widens, the muscles in her thighs and her arms cord, and Lan actually straightens up, a little vein sticking out on her forehead as she fights gravity in a way that she normally just... doesn't have to. "Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghk--!"
It looks like Lunatone has a sense of humor, somewhere...?
And maybe she's just stubborn, or maybe Lan just really doesn't want to not hold Lunatone right now. "You're... definitely heavier than Gwen...!" she grits out, cheeks darkening, fingers suddenly struggling to keep her grip on the rocky Pokemon. "But I still... wanna carry you...!" Even though her legs are shaking from the strain. Even though her back is screaming.
There's probably some kind of parallel going on here. Maybe. At least Loren will have the satisfaction of being correct...?
The Lunatone's visible eye widens and its beak clicks a couple of times. Lan wobbles and stumbles backwards, the Pokemon in her arms once again helping her carry its weight. "Oof! Ahahaha, you really were... oh geez, I feel so dumb. I didn't even think about it." She's started to sweat from the impromptu workout, skin glowing in the late afternoon light.
"It's basically magic, isn't it? Symbology and computers and stuff, all working together." This... feels a little more normal, doesn't it? Lan makes a fool of herself, Loren gripes, and the world keeps turning? Then why does she still feel kind of fragile?
Why does she still hate it?
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
It's almost as if it was attempting to prove his point, somehow, for Lan begins to buckle under the increasing strain of the Pokemon's weight. He'd known they were heavy (they are part Rock) but it looks like it's trying to smash its way to the center of the earth with her in tow at this point. "Hey-- don't hurt yourself," he cautions, rounding on her and Lunatone. Just like that, his irritation has been wiped away to replace itself with something more akin to worry as Lan continues to struggle.
"Let go of it! If it wants to fall, let it--"
Maybe there's some sort of parallel going on here.
But there's a series of clicks from the Lunatone and just like that, it's... well, probably not completely weightless, but certainly back into the 'able to be carried' range of things. And Loren sighs, his shoulders slouching in something approaching dismay. "Seriously..." he gripes, and for these handful of seconds, it's like things used to be.
There'd always been tension between them. Even way back before she'd ended up in Solaris' clutches, nothing had ever been uncomplicated. Yet, never -- even in the worst of moments -- had it felt like it was something fragile. A crystal globe, spun out of the thinnest glass, and if he touches it wrong, it's going to shatter into a hundred million pieces.
Would it be... better to let it break? Better to let things fall apart, because it can't be possible to keep it protected and safe forever? He doesn't know, and the more he thinks about it, even in this very moment, the less he knows.
"Yeah," he says, looking away from Lan. "Something like that."
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
'If it wants to fall, let it--'
Lan holds onto the Lunatone, resting her chin uncomfortably on top of it. "I don't wanna," she huffs. "I mean, if it actually wants down that's fine, but it was just showing me it's been helping me this whole time." And that's important to Lan, because she gives and gives and gives. Tries to. Wants to. And people help her back, of course - even Team Rocket! But it's funny to think she was being helped this whole time, and didn't even realize it.
Her legs and back feel like jelly. Maybe she can ask the Lunatone to help her train her strength while they journey. Maybe she can figure out how to help it grow stronger too. So it can defend itself when it goes back to live in the Crystal Cave.
Her arms tighten around it for a moment.
Even if it's just for a little while, this feels almost like normal. Like they could just fall right back into how things were.
Like she could ask to listen to his heartbeat after a nightmare, or banter with him over a meal. And she can't. And it makes her want to sob. It makes her want to howl about how it's not fair.
Her lip keeps trying to wobble. Lan draws her mouth tight into a smile that keeps going, until it's more of a grimace. She hates it she hates it she hates it.
"...Listen," she begins, and then falters.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
"How do you know that's what it wants?" Loren asks of her, but as he gazes at it, into its unblinking, unflinching gaze...
It's not like he has a great idea of what it actually wants, either. It had just started floating itself again, carrying at least most of its weight. It doesn't look like it wants to get away from her. And it can't be comfortable for Lan, even if it's the one doing most of the work. It's entirely possible that this ridiculous arrangement is exactly the way both the involved parties want it.
Which is more than he can say for himself. He'd thought it would be easier, somehow, if he could make a clean break of things. Hell -- in the moment, he'd wanted to dash the whole thing to pieces. And now he's finding he doesn't quite have the guts, even though it wouldn't take much for it all to shatter. It's always better to pull the bandage off quickly, of course, and yet--
'Listen', Lan says, and that brings him all the way back to reality. In his chest, his heart starts to pound.
Loren doesn't respond at first. Then: "...Yeah?" He searches her expression, as if looking for some hint of what's to come there. As if, even if it were present, that he could comprehend it.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
How does she know? "...Well if it wanted down, then it would have stayed heavy, right? Or flown away." That must be how she knows. It's not like Lan speaks Pokemon.
Lunatone, a Psychic/Rock type, allows itself to be carried further. Maybe it's satisfied at getting its point across...?
But Lan says 'listen' and Lan actually turns her head to look at him, and her face... there's a tightness at the corners of her eyes, and her mouth is drawing into a thin line. She is profoundly uncertain and uncomfortable, but soldiering on anyway. "...I hate this."
The words drop half-thought-out from her lips. Already she regrets the shape they're taking. "I mean! I mean I... I know you want me to stop bothering you. And you don't want to hear about saving the world. Because, you don't even know of a way to save your parents, right?" she continues, words tumbling out desperately. "I've been... trying. Because it hurt when you said you couldn't, that you wouldn't." She had cried and cried, because Lan had kept hoping through all of his little betrayals.
As if she can't meet his gaze anymore, she turns away to rest her chin on Lunatone. Lan doesn't know how to tell him that she was hurt. "But even so, I... don't want to let you fall, either, even if that's what you want." It's not coming out right! It sounds like some useless platitude, some reassurance that she'll always forgive him everything, no matter what he does. And that's not what Lan wants to tell him.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
For all her quirks, Loren can't deny that... she's right about this. If it wanted to get away, it could have taken off at any time. If it wanted down, it could have forced the matter. And yet, the Lunatone persists with this state of affairs.
But this is all secondary to the proverbial elephant in the room, the thing about which the both of them continue to circle yet cannot bring themselves to outright address, lest...
Is it that she's the one more willing to address the matter, or simply that she can't take it anymore? Loren can see a shadow of his own doom in the line of her mouth, but it's already too late to run away. Once she begins to speak, it's akin to the start of the deluge: her words fall one after the other without ceasing.
He doesn't say anything at first. He doesn't so much as twitch or look away. He barely blinks. His expression... it could be the face someone wears when they're trying to understand, or perhaps, when they're trying not to understand.
He doesn't want to hear about saving the world. Yes. Correct. Once he'd thought maybe, it was possible. Maybe, there was some way he could try to change things. Maybe, maybe-- but he's just one person. And the roots of all this are far older and larger and more terrible than he'd realized, even back then.
Solaris is rotten to the core. It always has been. But his father lives in Etrenank and his mother is a part of its military. And even if he tried to run away, Solaris would find him.
His shoulders sag. "I don't-- I'm not going to lie to you," he starts to say, and then she looks away as if she can't bear to look at him.
And she's not done, either. Even if that's what he wants--
"I'm not trying to--" he starts and stops, because he's not sure himself, either. And didn't he say just now that he wasn't going to lie to her?
Even if she won't even look at him. Even if...
"So, what..." he starts again, only to once more trail off. 'So what now', he doesn't finish, because he's afraid of the answer. And because it seems like the wrong thing to ask in this moment, even for him.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
Even a stopped rock is right twice a day, Lan would surely say to him.
"Then don't lie to me," she says, like it's the easiest thing in the world. Like she's never lied to him. Lan has tried not to, of course. Sometimes secrets have to stay secret, but she'd never done it just for the hell of it. She'd never done it just to be cruel.
"Then don't lie to me," she repeats herself, like she wants to make sure he heard her. That he understands her. Lan lets herself look at him again, even if she feels strangely exposed in doing so. "Don't lie to me, and don't give up. Even if it's hard. Even if you think you'll fail. Do it because you're my friend." Don't give up, because Lan can't give up either. "Do it because you deserve a better world too. And so do your parents."
She had wanted something shameful, when she first woke up. She wanted to pull Etrenank down from the sky for the way it had hurt her, and the way it kept hurting Mirza, and the way it had hurt Loren for his brother's mistake. Sometimes she still feels that, someplace deeper than her 'self', and Lan doesn't know if that desire is hers or the Stranger's or a secret third thing.
(Don't let it be her. Please don't let it be her.)
He starts to say he doesn't want to fall. And then he closes his mouth, and Lan is already regretting her wish, because a lie would have been easier to hear than the idea that he might be truly be okay with giving up. That he could close his eyes and his ears and the rest of his heart and just keep his head down the rest of his life, as the surface and the moon and Little Firelight are all eaten up by Solaris before the spreading desert ever could.
She wants to go back. She wants to go back to before she ever confronted him, she wants to go back to the day Solaris staged their trap against Siegfried and choose another direction, any other direction to go. But she can't go back, and she can't keep feeling sorry for herself, and she can't let Loren alone. "...I dunno," Lan admits, and her pale eyes are so, so sad.
<Pose Tracker> Loren Voss has posed.
"I'm not," he protests, shaking his head, and even to his ears it sounds petulant. There's so much he hasn't said, won't say, can't say -- which among these counts as a lie to her when there's so much that could change just with a few words? But he can't, he can't-- he'd be struck mute if he so much as tried to get them out.
He might not have looked away from Lan once: he's looking at her still when she looks back at last.
Engil wouldn't have given up, he can't help but think as she challenges him to do better, to try anyway, even if he fails. Engil would have done it and it probably would have even worked, he thinks with increasing desperation. His brother, who always managed what should have been impossible, up until the day that he--
'...because you deserve a better world too.'
And something in his expression falters in this moment. He wants to tell her. He wants to tell her in no uncertain terms why it's impossible. Why he can't. About what Leah wants and what Solaris really wants, and all the little bits and pieces in which his faith in anything or anyone have been chipped away. About how the only one in his corner is again himself and what a sad and pathetic prospect that is. But he can't tell her.
He might as well fill out and sign his own death certificate.
...No, there's no way out of this that doesn't end with him losing someone. Whatever he does, it feels like he's going to lose. He was tired of losing people, Loren had told Lan once. He'd thought, in the heat of the moment, that it might be easier to just cut his ties and close himself off, but it's not and it feels like, again, that all he's managed is making the matter worse.
If he could turn back time, maybe he could have said 'no' to Leah's offer. Maybe more soldiers would have died in the trap they'd attempted against Siegfried. Or maybe it never mattered: maybe the price he'd paid had never been equal to that attempt of his at saving a few lives. But time only flows in one direction, and there's so many things on which he can't roll back the clock, no matter how much he'd like to try.
'I dunno,' Lan says, and that seems to underscore the situation for the two of them.
"If you want to..." he starts, stopping himself once again. If she wants to travel together with him again, like it's some epic journey across a new land without the interference from the powers that be, just like old times. But it's not that. He's here for a reason, after all, and Lan surely has guessed at it by now. She might even know where Azoth has gotten off to.
But what reason would she have to tell him? How would she look at him when he'd have to turn around and then... take Azoth back?
Azoth is dangerous, Leah had said. Azoth isn't a friend. Not to him, that is. But that's not the way other people see it. It's not the way Lan would see it. It'd be him carrying away someone else again. Him, making a decision about what happens to someone else again.
Loren, at last, looks away from Lan. He can tell himself that it wasn't his fault. That he was just carrying out orders. That he wasn't the one who decided to do... that to Lan, back then. But--
In the end, he's a coward. He's always been a coward.
"Do you," he starts again, finally looking back at her, "want to go watch the sun set? There's... supposed to be a good place. Somewhere down," and he gestures, vaguely, "there. I think." He'd only ever seen the map the one time.
It's not an answer to her questions -- challenges, really. He doesn't think he can even hope to try. It was never in him to be a hero, even if that's what he once wanted more than anything. But even if he can't answer her, it doesn't mean that he wants to leave it like this.
Even if their paths don't -- shouldn't -- cross again, he can't repeat their last time again.
<Pose Tracker> Lan Lilac has posed.
Did he ever look away from her? He looks like he wants to say something. For just one brief, infinitely-stretching moment - and then it's gone. 'If you want to,' he tries, and Lan waits, but there is nothing to want. Nothing to tell. Nobody has anything to say.
She has never felt as estranged from someone as she does right here, right now. She could take his hand, feel his palm against hers, and know that he is still further away from her than they are from Filgaia.
"Uh- yeah," she nods, after a moment's faint surprise. Lan's smile comes slowly, and a little wobbly. "You should... you should bring your Pokemon out so they can watch it too. It's weird that they live in such little Pokeballs, you know, even if they think it's comfy I really don't get it--"
Even if it's distant and painful. Even if they fail. Even if they're hurt.
Lan can't bear to let things end like this.