2022-09-08: Faith Versus Fate
- Log: Faith Versus Fate
- Cast: Xantia, Lily Keil, Citan Uzuki
- Where: Kattelox Island Outskirts
- Date: September 08, 2022
- Summary: After the incident with the stakeout operation -- and what they learned about Xenia there -- it's time, once everything has settled out, for Xantia to get a few answers.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
To say that the warehouse stakeout operation didn't go as planned would be one heck of an understatement. Not only did the location explode before anybody belonging to the shadowy Watchful Eye organisation showed up, Xenia was discovered having gotten caught in said explosion, and Xantia showed up at just the wrong time, threatening to escalate things even further. Considering all the variables, it's somewhat of a miracle that the end result wasn't terrible in one way or another.
Granted, things aren't exactly ideal, what with Id forcing a timeout and whisking Xenia off to who-knows-where, but at least Xantia seemed... fine, by the end of things? She's been pretty subdued after all was said and done. As the hour was late, any sort of discussion was put off in favor of a good night's sleep - in so far as that was going to happen. Xantia didn't sleep a wink. But since she listened to Citan and got caught up on the sleep she'd been depriving herself of recently, it's only been a single day of non-sleep. She can handle that much without appearing particularly tired.
When Lily and Citan make their way to the Karlsefni's medical office the next morning, as the agreed upon location for a meeting, Xantia has already been sitting there for a while. She's responsive enough, if still very quiet, and cooperative with any examinations that might be requested. At least medically speaking, there isn't anything unusual about her present condition. Perhaps as expected, she started off with the question of what exactly happened back at the warehouse. She wasn't there to see it, but she was nearby enough to hear the explosion, so she came running. Of course she'd want to know how Xenia was involved with all of this.
She is visibly surprised to learn that Xenia was actually a victim here, rather than responsible for the event. But it's nothing compared to the open-mouthed astonishment she displays about learning of Xenia's nature. That really isn't something she'd ever expected. It stands to reason that she'd have questions. Questions that no one may have the answer to, but she has to ask them anyway.
"So, is she... some kind of artificial copy of me? What does that mean? Why would anybody do that?"
And she thought she was confused before. Yet there's always more questions, aren't there. If only the number of answers ever came remotely close.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
It didn't go as planned or as hastily replanned more than once. It just went, all right, in a weird way that didn't seem to resolve much... but did at least seem to give Xantia someplace to start thinking again. That's about all that Lily can say of it, though. She did indeed plan to meet at the medical office however. That much will go well enough. And so she's there to support Citan and Xntia both in this matter, and...
"So it seems," Lily says of a copy, and looks to Citan for a moment, then to Xantia again. "It's hard to say, but I can imagine a lot of uses for someone with abilities similar to yours--or hers. Why they'd make her look exactly like you I can't say, but probably, they wanted power, and to exert that power."
"...I know that's not a particularly comforting thing to say. But it's a story I know pretty well..."
"Regardless, we won't know if we don't find out more."
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
Perhaps he might call it a 'strange miracle'. Even now, in quieter moments, Citan was still grappling with it -- with all of what had happened. Plans had been dashed, and others had been formulated, and yet, somehow, in spite of everything...
Somehow, they had Id to thank for it. ...No, 'strange miracle' did not even begin to encompass what had transpired.
When all was said and done, however, it was clear that the location was no place for a meeting, to say nothing of Xantia's condition. Citan had recommended she get some sleep, though it was no surprise at all when that failed to happen.
Even he had been surprised by the turn of events.
Unlike the last time, he had offered her some tea when she arrived in the medical office. As long as she's not pushing herself to her limits -- even if she can press beyond them -- he is far more obliging. From him there had been no examination. He had just asked her some fairly innocuous questions about how she was feeling, about any anomalous signs and symptoms she was experiencing, and so on. If Lily has anything to check, well... that is her decision to make.
And they had told her in rather more depth about what had happened in those moments before she arrived -- including Xenia's particular surprise talent.
"It would explain the lack of injuries when we have faced her before," he had said. "I had thought it a result of her speed, but it would appear that I was... far from the mark."
But that wasn't all.
"It is... possible. I know not how this technology was acquired, or precisely what it might say about her creator's intention. Perhaps it is as Lily says," he continues, glancing over at Lily in turn. "Or perhaps she has another role."
Or... what was is that Id had said? That they might have been one to begin with? Was that conjecture -- Id simply seeking another like himself -- or was there more to it than that? Xenia hadn't said a word of it to him before, but that hardly discounts anything.
"There is much and more that we do not know. However... I can attempt to explain the few pieces we have and what they may mean."
Perhaps what Azoth had forwarded all those months ago in that private meeting might be the course followed after all. But...
He's found himself regarding those words again. What Xantia wants. What Xantia should be. Whether she should remain 'diminished', as he had put it...
...even in spite of the world?
To be young and to be so whole-heartedly recklessly selfish again. Though, of course, he is well aware that Azoth is not quite so 'young' as some might see it.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia accepted the offer of tea, though so far has left it untouched, in the wake of these new, confusing revelations. Citan is right though - it didn't seem possible to injure Xenia, even though she's certainly tried. Lily has seen it - seen Xantia get a solid hit on Xenia with her full strength, sending the latter hurtling directly into a large, solid rock. And yet the only damage was to the rock that had cracked, while Xenia seemed completely fine. "...It does explain a few things," is all Xantia actually says about that.
As for what Lily is theorizing, Xantia likes none of it. All she comments on initially is, "Power..." She shakes her head, mumbling, "Why is it always about power?" But it's not only that. Having a 'use' for a person. Getting power by way of using a person. It's not right to think of people like that. And yet... she too fell into the trap of not thinking of somebody as a person first. She has to acknowledge that.
"I... feel like I should apologize. I lost sight of things. I could only see Xenia as an enemy, somebody who wanted to get in my way, keep me from the answers I was looking for. ...Turn my friends against me. And I just... never thought about the reasons she might have for that. I wasn't interested in her situation. I just wanted her to stop whatever it was she was doing. But... she's probably had a rough time of it, too. I need to keep that in mind too, try to not just... get angry at her at all the time."
Whether Lily's theory is correct, or Xenia indeed has another role, Xantia has a theory of her own, now that she's been thinking these things over. She looks at Lily and Citan in turn, before voicing those thoughts. "I don't know what she's trying to do exactly, but... going over the things she's said to me, I feel like she's envious of me."
Lowering her gaze, her eyes rest on the cup of tea - right, that's a thing she had. She finally takes the opportunity to take a sip, as well as a deep breath. Then she nods to Citan. "I'd sure like to hear any explanations that either of you can offer. There's still a whole lot I can't make any sense of."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily's checks were mostly basic physicality; her pulse, her temperature, a couple of Etheric tests. Nothing major, but all something Lily can do. She hasn't been drinking tea either, though.
"I should've guessed," Lily says, "But I didn't. It may be a useful thing to know for the future, though." Not that she expects them to necessarily fight her... but she doesn't not expect them to fight her, either. But power, the possibility...
"People obsess over power. In his case..." She considers what she's learned. "Maybe..."
Hm. "I think it has to do with the 'other Xantia'," she admits. "The one from Shevat. The one we learned about."
But she pauses. "You don't have anything to apologize about to us, anyway. To her... maybe, that's between you and her. I think it's reasonable to try to have other reactions, but..."
"I think you're right. Envy is definitely a factor there. She's under direct control. I'd be natural to be jealous."
Expectations... "So," Lily says. "I'll be direct with you. The day she knocked you out in Guara Bobelo, I managed a powerful spell on her that stuck her in place for a little while. I couldn't do much more. So I know a little more about her than I did before that."
"Citan probably has a better understanding than I do," she admits. "But I think we should accept the fact that if you get these answers, something is going to happen. She seemed certain of that much. Now that we have the time to stop and think about it... Well. Maybe you don't have to kill her to get them, but maybe we can prepare for when you do."
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
"It is natural for people to desire strength," Citan muses, rubbing at his chin as he gazes up at the ceiling. "Or, perhaps, 'control'. In your everyday life, you often feel helpless. Is that not the case? All of us here, at one time or another, have felt as if we have no 'control'. 'If I were only stronger', or 'if only I had been able'... everyone has thought something like that. For some, the desire for control consumes them... and they seek after greater and greater power." He shakes his head, looking between Lily and Xantia.
"...Xenia," Citan says quietly, in an echo to Lily's remark. The one who had been retrieved from the surface and treated in Shevat... to no avail.
But Citan shakes his head. "No... there is nothing to be ashamed about. You were being 'wholeheartedly yourself', after all. Even Yui agrees that is your charm. It had certainly been difficult, but... well! All of us are 'difficult' people at times, would you not agree, Lily?" He spreads his arms, as if to include himself in this estimation.
To hear his wife tell it, he is certainly the most difficult of them all. And of course, on this point, she is right.
He gazes at Lily for a moment as she reveals her own meeting with Xenia. Then, he smiles, if chagrined. "I, myself, must confess to a secret meeting, I am afraid. ...It was not my desire to hide this from you, Xantia. Nevertheless, if I had told you she had approached me... until now, you were, ah... perhaps you had said it best?" He phrases it almost as if in offering, as if to permit Xantia to save some face in the matter.
"Then there is matter of which she spoke. If you remember what you are... well, it is as Lily says. She appears convinced that 'something' will happen, and that the transformation..." His smile grows strained, as if on the verge of vanishing altogether.
"Well. It is not impossible you may become someone else altogether. You had heard what Azoth had said, however... perhaps as you are now is yourself, diminished. And yet, what you may become..." He shakes his head.
"I would be a liar if I were to claim I were not worried. If I could have dismissed what she had said to me, I would have but... what Xenia had said was not without evidence. Lily herself has been a witness."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Doing a few basic tests never hurts. Xantia is calmer than she commonly is, and that shows in the results, but it's nothing to be concerned about, all is well within (her) normal range. It may have been a close call back there, but the shake-up ultimately seems to have done her more good than ill.
She too feels like she should've guessed something was up with Xenia. Then again, there was probably no way she would have, not in the state of mind that kept taking over whenever Xenia was involved.
The notion of desiring power, however... she makes a face at that. "People really overestimate how much having just a lot of power can accomplish. Just look at Id. He has all that power, and it doesn't help him at all to get the things he really wants." She shakes her head. "And control? Power doesn't give you control. If you have power, you'll always feel like you have to use it to make things better, for yourself or others. You can never just accept things the way they are. Is that really so great?"
This is something that Xantia's struggled with a lot. And while she hasn't drawn much in the way of definitive conclusions, power only leading to wanting more power sure seems like something that happens quite a bit. So when Citan brings that up, she nods. "I wish you weren't right about that, Doc, but from what I've seen..." Motivations aside, she herself certainly hasn't been immune to that.
She quiets down when the woman who died in Shevat so long ago, the one with her face, is brought into the conversation. It's a sad story... one which certainly does feel like must have ties to her, it can't possibly be coincidental. But this is something that she can't form any theories about on her own.
Likewise, she doesn't respond to the remarks on her need to apologize, at least at first. She can't help but still look apologetic. And then Citan posits that it's part of her charm. That causes her to lose her train of thought entirely. "My... charm? Making things difficult is... charming?" She scratches her head. "I've never really understood what charm is, but now I feel like I understand it even less."
It was a needed bit of levity, but it can't last. Not in the face of some revelations that were long kept from her. Lily and Citan's judgment in the matter is correct, however. Xantia wouldn't have taken it well in her previous mindset. This is the proper time to let her know about it - right now, it doesn't appear to agitate her even a little bit.
"I see... I was so concerned about her turning my friends against me, I may have overreacted if I thought she'd managed to succeed." That's putting it mildly. Quite a bit of trouble was avoided by not letting her find out about that sooner. Now that she's thinking more rationally about it... looking between Lily and Citan, she takes their words into consideration, and furrows her brow in thought.
"So... she really is afraid of me. Just, not who am I now." That's the impression she got, anyway. She pauses, eyes downcast a moment, before she looks up again with some measure of resolve. "I've always said that, no matter what I remember, it won't erase who I am now. That, even if something bad happens, my friends will help me remember what they know is important to me. I can't very well agree with her if she claims that that's wrong, can I? That would be saying like I don't have faith in my friends. I just need to believe in myself, and at the times where I can't, believe in all of you. Right?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Strength... contol. Lily can't exactly argue the point, nor is she inclined to. How often has she thought 'if only I were stronger'? More often even than many. Having some 'power' makes it easy to nee and want more...
"You're right though. It's a two-edged sword. The more power you have, the more you become obligated to use it--especially as those who crave it want to take it from you."
Then a grin at Citan. "We are," she agrees about being difficult people. And Xenia... Well. It can't be a coincidence, that much is true.
"I wouldn't worry too much about 'charm'. But it's one of the things we like abt you." A pause there. "You probably would've," she says of reacting poorly. But... the matter of what it is now, instead...
"I'm worried too," she admits. "But I think there's a step you're overlooking, in how you're thinking about it." Lily pauses, as if to gather her thoughts. "...You trust us. That's good. I want you to trust us. But that trust doesn't mean nothing can happen to you. You might well lose yourself, no matter how much you believe."
"But," Lily says, deliberately, "...I want you to know that you're not wrong to have that faith, either. Because if you lose yourself, we'll be here to remind you who you are, as hard as it might be."
"...It's possible that whatever you learn will make you change your mind about what's important to you. But we'll be able to remind you at least that part of you--this part of you--valued the things you do, now. What you do with it at that point is ultimately up to you."
"...But I think we have to be prepared for the worst, is what I'm saying. We can't well react to problems we don't acknowledge."
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
In response to what she says to him about those who seek power, Citan nods. "Precisely right, Xantia. ...Often, it appears that this is the lesson that those who seek power learn, much to their dismay. In focusing only on 'power', one loses sight of all else, and in time, most certainly loses what had been dear." He sighs, folding his arms across his chest. "At the same time, the 'desire' is not... impossible to understand. What was it that the Nisan Orthodoxy purported again...? Ah, yes," he says, readjusting his glasses, "now I remember that sentiment. They would have us look to others to challenge our weakness, rather than seek to stride out against all obstacles on our own."
He looks to Lily. "Would you say that is a fair read of their philosophy?" He is aware of her leanings, after all.
What can he do but nearly laugh, the corner of his mouth twitching with the strain of keeping it in check. "As a matter of fact, yes!" Citan says once he's able. "Fortunately for all of us, being a 'troublesome person' can be endearing at times. Perhaps it has to do with keeping this world an interesting one... If we were all of like minds, I dare say it would be a dull world!"
But he'd known from the start how Xantia would have reacted. It was the same reason he had struggled with her so that night she had come to him in search of a means to stave off sleep. For better or for worse, she is a single-minded person, and once she has an idea in her head...
He had thought, before, that he might perhaps be able to encourage her to see the situation differently -- to permit herself to arrive at the end of the rhetorical path he would have attempted to lay before her -- but he had come to this decision far too late, after others means had proven but a dry well.
And then he had thought he had run out of time.
It may well be a fortunate thing he never had to deploy his secondary plan. It is certainly a kind thing that he did not have to apply himself to the third.
"Yes, I am afraid so," he tells her. "But now... thanks to the way that things happened, we may speak more openly." More openly -- there are things that are just conjecture and not worth speaking of. And there still remains the danger, that speaking of this may bring about what they are attempting to avoid.
But, as he had said to Xenia, this would not stop what was coming. There was no telling when Xantia's memories would return in force, and wasn't that what the one pulling the strings truly desired?
"It would seem so, though it appears that she was not completely forthcoming with me," Citan tells her. He shakes his head. "There are things that she must tell us. Otherwise, we will be unable to decide how to act."
He is silent, at first, when Xantia says her piece. He is silent still as Lily gives her own statement, speaks about what might come even so.
"Yes..." he says at last. He begins to frown. "I agree with Lily. I do not believe your will is weak, Xantia, merely that... we do not know what we are up against. There are things in this world against which no will can stand. I hope that your will and your trust in us will be enough, but..."
Who can stand against fate? Some things are ordained from the beginning and cannot be moved or changed. But...
There are things that are not so fixed. There's still that small space where things like hope can live.
"If we prepare for the worst, then perhaps we have plans that we do not use. I think that would be acceptable. I would rather have a plan that I did not need to use than to have no plan at all." Even improvising on the moment is perferable, against having no idea of what should be done.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
That's one question Xantia will never know the answer to. If she had no power, no ability to make a difference to the degree that she's able, would she have gone this far in pursuit of her lost memories? Or would she have learned to accept it as just the way of things, and be content with what she has? Pointless as it is to think about, the thought still creeps in every now and again.
Citan bringing the Nisan teachings into it prompts Xantia to recite what Id has said to her on more than one occasion - the most recent of which just the other day. "We are born into this world with only one wing. We must never seek our second wing because that one wing is a blessing. In our imperfection, we need others to fly to the heavens." She shrugs, adding in her own thoughts. "I don't really understand religion as a thing, but they know how to make things sound nice."
Nothing regarding her actual opinion on that teaching. She hasn't been able to formulate one, since she's not certain she fully understands how it applies to her. As always, figurative speech just makes it harder to figure out. All she knows is, it can't have anything to do with her memories. After all, that's getting something back she used to have, not seeking something she never had.
...And yet, she finds it still easier to understand than the notion of charm. This seems to be another ability that she has zero clue about, but apparently has been using all along. Weird. Well, Lily tells her not to worry too much about it, so she won't.
But there's one complicated matter that does merit a response. And unfortunately, it's not easy to give one. What she's saying isn't wrong, but it may not be enough. It may cause things to happen against her will, that her friends may not be able to stop no matter how much they try. Plans to prepare for the worst, huh...?
"Well... if something awful were to happen, with my memory. If I'm not 'me' anymore, and you can't reach me anymore, and I'm not in a state to make the decision myself... I want you to do something for me." She finishes her remaining tea in one gulp, and sets the cup down, leaning forward in her seat.
"Find Lan Lilac. She knows Baskar Shamanistic rituals, much like the one that... that Jolen used. If it looks like there's no other way to set things right in my mind, I'm confident that she'll be able to help."