2024-05-25: Well Enough to Be Trusted
- Log: Well Enough to Be Trusted
- Cast: Xantia, Lily Keil, Citan Uzuki
- Where: Viridian City - Emerald Way
- Date: May 25, 2024
- Summary: Lily and Citan pay Xantia a visit in the aftermath of the battle at the Lahan ruins, and try to consider what might be the next best steps.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Following the battle at the Lahan ruins, Xantia was taken to the nearest medical facility to recuperate - which, as it happened, was through the portal to Energy Nede. Even if Pokemon Centers are not first and foremost meant for human patients, the Center in Viridian was prepared for such eventualities, freeing up a small room for Xantia to rest and recover in. Ever since, her condition has been actively monitored, either by staff or those close to her.
It's likely little surprise at this point that extreme fatigue was the only thing found to be wrong with her. Even though everyone present for the battle could see it had to be more than that, as usual there's frustratingly little to actually go on in a medical examination. Her physiology slightly differs from most people, but not in any sort of absurd way - those who know of this could tell that in spite of everything, she just... seemed to have gone back to normal, afterwards.
Of course, that didn't say anything about her mental state. Nobody could predict what she would be like when she awoke, especially after her damaged collar and bracers repaired themselves the way they typically do. There couldn't be any guarantee that she wouldn't become violent again immediately, and trying to force the devices off... well, Citan knows better than anybody that wouldn't be good for Xantia.
Perhaps it was the best case scenario that it happened to be Azoth who was with her when she first awoke. Having served as reassurance in what must have been an upsetting time, it was he who went to alert Lily and Citan, at Xantia's request. They would thus already be aware of the basic gist, in that the pattern holds in regards to these incidents: Xantia doesn't remember what happened during that week in which she acted as the 'Demon' attacking Aveh and Kislev military camps. She only remembered the way she felt. What that means, exactly... well, that would be better explained though a visit.
Now, having eaten - a lot, naturally - and given an extra blanket as well as a little more rest, Xantia at least appears the same as always, at first glance. If a little absent, staring out of a window in thought. If nothing else, the greater the incident, the greater the calm seems to be afterwards. Small mercies.
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily Keil remained concerned about Xantia, obviously, but there was little else for her too do in the moment; Xantia's body would recover itself, and her mind... they'd see. But Lily does not imagine she can monitor better than Energy Nede's doctors, and she had to take care of some business related to the battle--and the soldiers who were there--in any case.
...But for now...
Lily is here. She walks into the room with a knock at the doorframe. "Xantia," she greets.
She does seem calm, at least. Lily is calm, too, as ever. She is back in her ordinary form, her eyes normal and all.
"Good to see you. Everything all right? Are they treating you well?"
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
This, itself, is a familiar situation to be in, though Citan would very much rather it be otherwise. Some things do not bear repeating -- or rather, should not be repeated for other people.
He had spoken with the doctors ahead of time, of course. They had been able to answer some of his questions, particularly about the bracer and the choker: removing those might well be fatal to Xantia, and it's no surprise that they have regenerated. By now, it seems likely that they're deeply embedded in her physiology. It may even be that they're essential for her to exist in one way or another. But whether or not they represent 'another's will' or 'another Xantia's will' is the question that cannot be readily answered.
As is who they will face when they enter her suite. He had not mentioned her proclivities to the staff: best not to alarm them more than they are already. If they deem her a danger, they might do something rash. This, itself, leaves the situation open to risk, but--
Citan Uzuki has always been willing to make a calculated risk.
And he does not, when the time comes, visit Xantia alone.
"We had heard that you were awake," he says, fidgeting the once with his spectacles as he steps into the room moments after Lily. "How are you feeling?"
Her eating habits seem normal, so there is at least that...
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Thankfully, there didn't seem to be anything wrong with Xantia's long-term memory, according to what Azoth relayed. For all intents and purposes, Xantia is Xantia... in so far as anybody knows her. Other than that, what could have been the most painful part has already been taken care of. Since she asked him about it, Azoth has already told her about what happened, about everything she did. However she may have taken it at the time, right now she doesn't appear to be particularly upset. Giving her a little time to process everything was really all that could be done in that regard.
And so, when Lily and Citan enter... well, normally her greeting might be a little more enthusiastic, but that smile she turns their way is genuine enough. "Lily, Citan... you're here. Thanks for coming." Not that they wouldn't have regardless, she's certain, but she did ask them to.
Sitting up, she answers the easier question first, regarding her treatment. "Oh, yes, no complaints there, they're really going out of their way to make sure I'm comfortable. The people and Pokemon both." The Chanseys acting as nurses really know what they're doing, down to taking care of the flowers in her room.
The tougher question to answer is whether everything is all right. No matter how you interpret it, it's not exactly something for which a simple 'yes' or 'no' will suffice. She lowers her gaze a moment, before deciding on how to answer.
"I'm, well. As good as I'm going to get, I think. Little tired still, I feel okay otherwise. But you're the doctors, so... I figured I'd better stay in bed, at least until you tell me it's okay to do otherwise." Her faint smile turns rueful, as she adds, "I owe you that much, for all the trouble I've caused... again."
She rubs the back of her head. "Sorry, I... don't really know how I should react, right now. I feel like I should apologize, but I know you're just going to say it wasn't my fault. Doesn't make it better though. So, I decided that I'd just... leave it up to you, where things go from here." She rests her hands in her lap, then looks to the two doctors in turn, before suggesting, "Please, whatever you want to ask, or say. Go ahead. I won't get upset, I promise."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
It's a risk Lily would've probably agreed with. Had she been consulted. ...It's better than someone else trying to interfere...
But Xantia answers them. Lily glances to Citan once at her manner, but then, "They seem good at that. They have very advanced medical techniques. If we didn't have so much else to do, I could probably learn something."
A pause. The other question, well...
"I'll accept the intention behind your apology," Lily says. "But I agree. It's not your fault. ...Which is worse, in some ways; if it were your fault, it would be easier to ensure it doesn't happen again," she admits with a grimace.
"Did you gain any of your memories back, after all that? Can you remember anything you couldn't before, I mean."
"Are you less tired than when you first woke up?"
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
Small favors, perhaps -- when the dust settled, she was still who she had been. Or rather, she was still who she had been before that metaphorical (or, perhaps, not) switch had been flipped and she had ceased to be the Xantia they had all known and someone more akin to the Xantia that Xenia had warned him about.
Xenia wanted them to dissuade her. There's wisdom in that route, certainly. And yet, as he'd said then -- even that wouldn't be enough. Likely, the time would come when Xantia would remember regardless of what they did to prevent it, particularly if the ones who held the reins continued to have control over her. ...Assuming, of course, that they are the ones in control.
They're missing far, far too much information to know what, if anything, ought to be done. He glances at Lily; it's likely that she may well think and feel similarly.
Xantia is nothing if not contrite.
He doesn't shake his head. He doesn't tell her that such feelings are unnecessary. They are what they are: her actions persist, whether or not she expresses regret over them.
"If you were to apologize," he begins at last, folding his arms over his chest, "it would not be to us. We... are aware of your circumstances. And we were able to put an end to the situation."
But there would be others, as his choice of phrasing suggests, to whom it would be theoretically possible to apologize to -- if only because they would not understand the actions behind the event.
Yet, even that of course assumes that she could find them all... or that they would even hear her out. Or that it would be beneficial at all for her victims and their families. To solve the problem may be better than any act of contrition.
But he shakes his head. "Ultimately, it is as Lily said. You must not worry about it. Rather, if you are in the mood to answer some questions..." He fidgets with his glasses again, pushing them up the bridge of his nose.
"...Do you know what was the trigger behind this? You may not know the answer, and that is alright. ...But do you know if it was 'them', or whether..."
He trails off, leaving the rest of his question hanging in the air. It wouldn't be the first time they'd seen someone with another 'self' that came to the fore in times of stress. Perhaps Xantia was 'devised' that way -- or perhaps it arose naturally. Having a personal weapon of war who could present normally much of the time would be a valuable tool, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia lowers her head, at Citan's correct assertion that there are others she could yet apologize to. That wouldn't be the first time either, considering her apology tour following the incident in Dazil. But that time, it had been better contained, and she was consciously aware of what was happening. Very different from this time, where she doesn't even know every detail about what she did. Even if she did spend the time figuring out who all she's wronged along the way... would an apology make anything better?
She feels relief - and then feels bad about that relief - when told not to worry about it. She won't forget it, but... there are other things that she has to do, things that may not make up for personal tragedies, but could prevent greater ones in the future. She has to stay focused on that, she'd drive herself crazy otherwise.
For now, however, she stays silent, until prompted by questions. It's not much to offer in return, but if there's anything she can answer... anything that can help to figure this out would surely benefit everyone involved.
"Less tired, yes," she starts with a nod, once again answering the easy part of Lily's questions first. "Even if I don't remember what I did, I can feel that whatever it is used a massive amount of Ether. The symptoms are similar to those other times I overdid it, in regards to Ether usage. ...And not notably worse than those other times."
She doesn't say it in so many words, but she understands the implications. She was out there for a week, and from what she's learned, she must have been using Ether quite intensively that entire time. The fact that she isn't showing signs of greater overexertion than she used to after a single great effort... it's evidence that something was drastically different, this time. Who can say just how permanently different.
Though this may be difficult to come to grips with, the matter of her memory is far more complicated still. She'd been thinking about how to best phrase it, and still came up short. But of course she would be asked, so she'll do her best to answer the matter of whether she regained any memories.
"...Yes and no."
Always a good start. She rubs her right temple, doing her best to put her thoughts into words.
"It's not... memories, exactly, more like... feelings, that I know I had at the time. That there's a way I'm 'meant' to do things. That I'm constantly lying to everyone, including myself. That... that everything is ultimately meaningless."
She grimaces, and for a moment, she looks absolutely miserable. Then she shakes her head, pushing past it, looking to Lily, perhaps expecting she might have had personal experience with whatever phenomenon this is.
"It's not my feelings, not at the moment. I don't know what made me feel that way, but I still have those feelings, just... lingering." More memories without context... except rather than knowledge, it's a state of mind that may once have been her own, but she can't consciously recall the reasons for.
Citan asks after the trigger. That, she does have a pretty good idea about, holding up her arms to present the twin bracers. "It's because of these, most likely. Azoth called it... he said I 'synchronized' with them. Fei told me what Xenia said... that by giving me my other bracer, it would be putting things in motion that can never be reversed. And I accepted that. But... I accepted it thinking it would lead to getting my memories back. I don't want to be in this sort of... half-state. And I really don't want to return to being that person. I just... want to understand her."
She shakes her head. She's starting to get upset, but she promised not to. Even though she pushes it back down, tries to focus on the facts... it's hard, and she finds herself speaking an apology anyway. "...I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I've been letting it happen. Even if I don't remember what happened when I lost control, I do remember what happened just before it. Each time, I... felt something like a tug at my mind. As if I was about to remember something. Since I wanted to remember, I welcomed that feeling... I surrendered my mind to it. I'm so stupid, I should have realized that's what was causing it to happen..."
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Lily... doesn't really care that much about the others to whom Xantia could apologize. She probably should, but she doesn't. It's not a concern for her. But Lily does share Citan's concerns otherwise. ...And his lack of information.
"Good," Lily says; that means she's recovering. "Hmm... So either your Etheric capacity has drastically increased, or... something is different about the amount of Ether you're using."
It could be either way. But memory?
Yes and no. Hmm. Feelings...
"Ah," Lily says. "I see. ...Yes. I understand."
At least some. Since she has had some experience with it, "...Feelings that aren't your own--or that are your own, but not of the 'you' you know--are hard to deal with. It takes reinforcing your own self-identity. It's hard work. But it is doable."
"Just because you once 'were' someone... doesn't mean that you are who they were, now. I've had to learn that over time. I'm not the same person Sharon Wyatt was, even if I might be Sharon Wyatt." It's just an example, but--
"...No," Lily says. "You thought you were chasing your highest priority. It only makes sense that you'd pursue it. But now, it's more complicated. There might have to be another approach."
She looks at Citan. Maybe it means...
"I think we have to get off the path 'prepared' for you. And onto your own path. We need to find more information, not just unlocked through your memories, but from the world itself."
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
He doesn't probe more into how Xantia is doing beyond what she's just said to them for the sheer fact that there's no reason to do that: Lily has asked most of the more immediate questions already. Instead, he's directed his questions in that different direction, mindful of the forces that steer Xantia.
"I see."
She explains what she can say -- what she can know of those feelings that awoke and took the stage, puppeting her so thoroughly that 'she' nearly could not return.
That everything is meaningless. That she's always lying. That the front she poses to the world is a false one.
His eyes behind the hard lenses of his glasses soften. "I do not think... that is an uncommon way of viewing the world," he answers quietly, even if the means behind those feelings is far from common.
Even if the other Xantia must have had her own reasons for feeling that way that another couldn't have shared.
...Possibly.
"So that is why... and you gained those fairly recently." He furrows his forehead as if in thought. Once the wheel of fate begins to turn, there is nothing that can stay its force. Yet...
"I wonder..." he says on Xantia's wish to understand her other 'her'. So that is what caused it -- if she struggled, she might be able to hold her ground. Or, as Lily puts it, if she maintained her own sense of self. But Xantia has fewer memories to hold onto than Lily has.
And, it should be noted, he privately has his own doubts about Lily, too.
Lily, though--
Has her own suggestion on what might be their next step.
"To remove herself from that path... and find another path... hmm," Citan muses, looking between the two of them. How much of what is transpiring with Xantia now is 'fated'? And how much might be altered? It is no easy thing for a human -- for any mortal -- to assess that, caught deep in time's web as things stand.
"I agree, we do need more information," he says at length. "We need to know more about what has happened in the past, yes, but we need to learn them from another source altogether. Until now, we have found little. But is it truly the case that the only ones who know Xantia's truth are her father and his associates?" Xenia, after all, is bound by her own rules.
"Is there no one who has met her before? Has she been able to act in silence until that moment everything changed?" he continues, unfolding his arms to gesture with outstretched arms. "...If that is so, then we must find her father and ask him ourselves. Indeed, we would have no other choice."
But Filgaia is a large world, and there are many places where a man might hide.
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Xantia can only shrug helplessly at Lily's theories regarding the workings of her Ether. How this was possible and why now? Well, she can only assume this too must have to do with the recovery of her other bracer. But she can't be exactly certain of how it works, and has misgivings about trying to put it to the test, unsure whether she could tap into that power without losing herself all over again.
As for reinforcing her self-identity... would that even be possible for her? That might be one of her biggest issues, having such a tenuous grasp of what her self-identity even is. It still feels like there's so many things self-evident to most everyone else that she just doesn't understand on some fundamental level. Trying to fit puzzle pieces into those gaps is perhaps not helping her hold onto who she is, yet it's something she must do to make progress.
There's only one silver lining that she can see. This too is based in theory, but it seems plausible enough to her. "Now that I have an idea about the way it feels... I'm hoping that I can stop it from happening again." She has to believe that. She needs to feel as if there's something she can do. She couldn't rationalize asking for trust otherwise.
With a slight nod, she continues, "I think I know what you're trying to say, about Sharon. And, for what it's worth... I'm almost certain now that it's a similar situation. That this is completely about memories of a previous 'me', and not, you know... a different side to me." There is no Xantia-Id, in other words. And she's not about to pretend there is. No deflecting any blame to someone other than herself.
Xenia had always made it sound like there'd been only one path, only one way things could go. Yet even if that could be somehow proven, Xantia would never accept that. She would reject the notion of there being no choices, or only bad ones - she would simply resolve to find a different, better option from those presented. Needless to say, finding another path sounds exactly like something she would enthusiastically agree with. Right now, however, her response is more subdued than usual.
"I have to admit... I'm not sure what my path should be, anymore. But... I'm going to try my best, to keep my options open. To not just... let myself get pulled into the one direction that feels right. ...That said... I still want to do everything I can to help. Right now, if it were up to me... I would challenge the Four Fields, for this power it supposedly takes to confront the Ten Wise Men. Unless you think that would be a bad idea?"
It's... more of a short term path, but that's the kind of paths that Xantia tends to focus on, that much hasn't changed. Especially since, as she adds with a nod to Citan, "As much as I'd like to look for things like that, I wouldn't know where to begin. Or... continue. I've been looking for someone, anyone who knows anything about me from before Jolen found me, for years. And I haven't been able to find any sort of trail leading to Herod either. I just don't know what's going on... all I know is, it's all pointless if Filgaia doesn't survive. And since I know a way I can help with that..."
She looks between both doctors, trying to keep neutral, but not really succeeding at an expression that doesn't come off as pleading. "...Is that okay? Am I well enough to be trusted?"
<Pose Tracker> Lily Keil has posed.
Not uncommon... Maybe not. But Lily doesn't favor that approach to the world, anyway. Xantia may not be able to answer her theories, but--Well, much as there are doubts about Lily, she understands the theory at the least. As for Sharon...
"Yes," Lily says. "If we can identify that much, it's different enough that we can work with it. And maybe, with that 'feeling', you can resist next time."
Maybe; Lily won't undermine her with doom and gloom, though.
"That's the key. Not just to go with whatever seems easy, or right... But to decide, for ourselves, with will, what path we will walk."
She considers. Citan has a good question, but--
"That's fine," Lily says. "I actually agree. We need to be stronger, to achieve our goals. We need to gain the necessary 'power'."
"So I'll go with you. If it turns out it happens again..."
"Well. It won't be easy, but we'll just have to help you anyway."
<Pose Tracker> Citan Uzuki has posed.
Self-identity is likely the largest issue that Xantia faces, in Citan's opinion. Lily was raised from early childhood as Lily. She has enough time and experience to potentially hold her ground in spite of herself. And even then, he has his concerns, about which he is keeping his own counsel. But Xantia has shallow roots and it is not difficult for her to be torn from her moorings.
"Hmm. You do not think so? Perhaps that is well," he muses, on the idea of her situation not quite being like Fei's own with Id and rather more like Lily's. "I wonder if your past self bequeathed her memory into those bracers in some capacity. Or, if it might be possible that your use of them is awaking 'her' from the depths of your mind. ...Perhaps the difference is merely academic," he concludes with a shrug. "Still, I cannot help but wonder."
At his heart, after all, he is a bit of an academic.
She wants to keep her options open.
"I think... that may be wise," he says. There is fate, and it cannot be shirked, yes-- but there is fate and then there is the idea that something is fated. Discerning the two is a difficult feat even for someone like himself. But it is too easy regardless to come to the conclusion that something is fated when it is not -- to close the mind to the idea of another way. "We cannot know what is possible or not just yet."
She wants to try the Fields. Is that a good idea? "As it so happens..." he starts to say, looking between the two of them, "I had thought it best to attempt the Fields, myself. So, if the both of us go with you, then there should not be any issue." He can't help but smile, if slightly. "...As Lily says, if it should happen again, then we shall handle it. There is no sense 'counting your chickens before they hatch', as they say! Perhaps your friend Azoth might want to make the attempt alongside us?"
There are some very obvious issues with that, certainly, but they do not -- to Citan's thinking -- strike against what he is attempting to do. Or, for that matter, what they are attempting.
"I admit that... that has been my finding as well," he says on the absence of a trail. "It is as if you appeared from nowhere, in fact! It makes me wonder..."
Even with Fei -- with Id -- there had been a trail that Citan had followed for two years before finding him. But with Xantia, it's as if the path had been wiped clean. Or as if she had begun, ex nihilo, the moment she'd been found by Jolen. The latter is ridiculous, the former more likely. But it makes him wonder what trick Herod is using to stay hidden. Is it possible that...?
Is she well enough to be trusted?
He nods. "If you should relapse, then we will simply take the necessary steps. For us, it is no matter."
<Pose Tracker> Xantia has posed.
Normally speaking, Xantia is a font of positivity. At times like this when she can't be, positivity from others is just what she needs. Lily's validation of what she believes does much to reassure her, theory though it may still be. And even if Citan is a little more academic about it, the conclusion still sounds positive enough to her.
It is true that many concerns and mysteries remain. It is sadly also true that there's no easy way to immediately dispel them. But that's exactly why hope is so important to latch onto. And so, when Lily and Citan don't just agree with what Xantia wants to do, but offer to come along, too? Xantia's eyes light up.
"Really, you will? That would be a huge help!" A huge relief, she was going to say, but changed her phrasing at the last second. Though it's probably not hard to tell that Xantia, despite asking for trust, finds it difficult to think herself worthy of trust at the moment. Until it can be proven whether or not she has better control over herself with what she now knows... being in the company of people who understand her situation and know the alarm signs does much to reassure her that, one way or another, the situation won't get so out of hand again.
Between that and the possibility of Azoth's company on top of it... dare she think that she might be able to enjoy herself again, sooner than she anticipated? Yes, of course she dares. She'll gladly grasp that hope tightly, with every fiber of her being.